When Allegedly Good Movies End Up Sucking Ass: The Dark Knight Rises

Looking down into the hell that was my viewing experience.

Yeah, you heard me, Christopher Nolan!

I realize that The Dark Knight Rises plagued theaters three months ago, but my anger toward the film has yet to subside. Any atrocity that inflicts months-long damage certainly deserves to be commented on.

Like so many citizens of this blue planet, I was both ecstatic and somewhat skeptical of the concept of a rebooted Batman film series. It would take something out-of-this-world amazing to erase the stain that was Arnold Schwarzenegger and Uma Thurman playing an evil ice cream man and a drag queen with a plant fetish, respectively. But Christopher Nolan had a fresh vision for Gotham City and its famous citizens. In 2005's Batman Begins, he introduced a gritty and reality-based universe and it was just fantastic. The Dark Knight, which was released in 2008, was even better. These movies made a ton of money and everybody loved them. So naturally, this year's The Dark Knight Rises, the third and final film in the series, was one of the most anticipated cinematic events in a super long time.

Too bad it fucking blew ass.

There were so many things wrong with The Dark Knight Rises, starting with its title. What the FUCK does The Dark Knight Rises even mean? I don't recall seeing Batman (Christian Bale) rise from anything. What I remember is his debilitated ass being thrown in some underground prison in the middle of bumfuck nowhere and spending pretty much the whole movie there. If "rising" means he eventually managed the strength to get out of the hole, then fine, I'll permit that (even though it's complete bullshit). What I won't tolerate is having to watch him fail, struggle, and train to get out of that prison; it was literally the first movie all over again.

Then there's Nolan's commitment to keeping the film grounded in reality. That's funny, I can't recall the last time I went to the nearest city and saw someone flying around a fucking space ship like Batman does in this film. It's okay, though. Whatever sense of realism this film had is tossed out the window when the moment some environmental air-cleaning machine that somehow gets turned into a bomb comes into play. (I'm a little fuzzy on specific plot details; I spent the majority of my viewing contemplating the existence of God; I concluded that if there really was a god, I wouldn't have had to sit through this shit!)

Tom Hardy doing his usual: looking
pretty and acting like shit.

Who, you may ask, is turning air filters into bombs? Why, that would be Bane (Tom Hardy), this super muscular dude who pops out of nowhere to start shit. However, you didn't hear his plan to make these bombs from him, because you can't even understand what the fuck he's saying. You see, something's wrong with him, so he has this magical gas mask that alleviates some intense pain (yet another example of Nolan's uncanny ability to replicate the real world in his films.) Anyway, this mask prevents him from speaking clearly, so any scene he's in, he's usually making a bunch of raspy noises while grasping his lapel.

So while Batman is being useless as all fuck, rotting in a prison somewhere in the Middle East ("like, such as The Iraq"), Bane takes over all of Gotham City, blows up some bridges, releases some rapists and serial killers from prison, and generally just raises hell. Oh, and he makes that bomb I was talking about. I think he also robs a bank. Don't remember. I also don't remember why he's doing all this. I'm not sure if I ever knew to begin with. Like I said, he's pretty hard to understand.

However, the real fuckery starts when Catwoman (Anne Hathaway) rears her obnoxious head. The character is never actually referred to as Catwoman in the film itself; rather, she is called Selina Kyle. That make's sense, though. Space ships, air-cleaning bombs, and magical gas masks are totally fine, but a sociopathic jewel thief who calls herself Catwoman? That just crosses the line. The biggest problem here is the decision to cast Anne Hathaway. I've never been able to enjoy this bitch in anything other than The Princess Diaries, yet she insists on being in everything. I'm surprised she hasn't filmbombed the Twilight series yet.

Damn it, Anne! Go back to Genovia.

Casting aside, the "Not Catwoman" Catwoman character is one of the biggest cunts to hit the streets of Gotham City. Everything she says oozes with an "I'm a witty bitch and I'm ten times better than you" attitude. I usually live, love, and learn from these kinds of characters, but something about Catwoman just doesn't sit right with me. Is it the fact that she wears goggles that vaguely resemble cat ears when atop her head? Or is it the time when the aforementioned bomb is about to blow up the entire fucking city and she decides it's a good idea to make-out with Batman, who's trying to save all their asses? Perhaps it's her pathological role-playing?

No, I think my "okay, bitch" moment came when Catwoman is arrested and getting perp walked to her cell. When a male prisoner reaches out to touch her, she grabs his hand and does some acrobatic flip to twist his wrist. And the fucking prison guards just stand there and say "Oh, she'll be just fine here!" *Wink* *Cue laugh track* Like what the ever-loving fuck is this shit? You just let this crazy bitch flip around the prison and chalk it up to "She's just being Selina!"? I hate her.

Believe it or not, I've only begun to address my grievances with this monstrosity of a film. I also took issue with the annoying cop (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) that runs around and becomes Robin or something like that, as well as with that random ass bitch who's just kind of there (Marion Cotillard). Alas, these problems aren't even worth getting into. I think the issues I explored in greater detail more than illustrate what a disastrous clusterfuck this film was. All I can say is thank the heavens there won't be a fourth one!