It's Getting Harder and Harder to Keep Up with the Kardashians

The Kardashian Kingdom

I miss the days when as long as you knew whether or not Kourtney and Scott were together, you were a Kardashian expert. I long for the episodes when going to Kim's house meant going to her chic townhouse, not a triple gated mansion in Beverly Hills. I'm nostalgic for the time when you didn't have to rely on TMZ, Perez Hilton, and other supplementary reading because the show covered just about everything you'd want to know.

Sadly, it's a different time for Kardashians, and by extension, their fans. They're one of the most famous and controversial families in the world, and they've been burned by the spotlight so many times that it seems like, for the first time since Kim's infamous sex tape leaked, they're playing it close to the vest.

In the words of Britney Spears, it's "another day, another drama" for the Kardashians. They're in the headlines every day, and it's not to see which sister wore it best. It's divorce, drugs, and other dirty deeds that even the most passionate fanatic can't possible keep up with. The current season of Keeping Up With the Kardashians is leaving us with more questions than answers, especially in regards to oft-alluded-to-but-never-explicitly-explained drama from when Bruce left his second wife for Kris. But now with this tabloid storm surrounding the family, we're even more in the dark than we realized.

First, there's Robert Kardashian's widow, who claims to have his journals, which reveal, among other things, that Kris Jenner physically abused her children and Khloé isn't his legitimate daughter. Obviously the notion that Kris is abusive is a little far fetched, and it's something the entire family has denied. But the theory that Khloé isn't a Kardashian by birth certainly doesn't fall on deaf ears. It's something even she's wondered on camera.

Speaking of Khloé, how shocking was it to hear about Lamar's drug problem? His addiction culminated in DUI charges in August and a reported trip to rehab. Besides cryptic tweets and a vague and likely scripted scene on the show, there aren't many clues as to how Khloé is dealing with her crippling marriage, although most signs point to divorce.

Aaaannd speaking of divorce, Kris and Bruce seem to be headed in that direction. After months of speculation, they announced their separation. Kris claims it amicable, but insiders say that's not the case. Kendall's reportedly on her father's side, but Kylie is Team Kardashian.

Then there's Kim, who's taking a backseat to the drama for the first time in her life. After giving birth to baby Nori (gag me), Kim and Kanye surprised us all by forgoing the expected tabloid baby pictures, for which they would have pocketed millions. In fact, Kanye is reportedly urging Kim to step away from the limelight permanently and settle down with him in Paris.

But I think the most important question of all is how is Rob?? Has he lost the weight? How's the sock line going? These are the questions that keep me up at night!

Cunt of the Week: Kris Humphries

Duh.

His ex-wife of 72 days may have just been crowned Bitch of the Week, but Kris Humphries' marital connections can't save him from his own cuntitude. So it's only appropriate that the Neanderthal is inducted as the Cunt of the Week.

We all remember the tragic split of Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush. Reggie was, like, the one. How could it end so abruptly? Maybe they fell out of love. Or maybe a relationship just didn't fit in with Kim's storyline for the season. No matter the reason, the relationship ended, and Kim followed it with brief romances with people like other athletes and her Australian bodyguard.

Meanwhile, Kris, or the Hump as Khloé called him, was playing basketball. (Does it matter for what team?) And in 2010, when he wasn't dragging his knuckles on the court, he was romancing the first lady of reality television. And then in 2011, Kris and Kim married. It was a lavish $10 million affair that was covered by a four-hour wedding special on E! (Keep that in mind as we move forward.)

From then on, Kris was featured heavily on the Kardashian's shows. Well, he was really only on Kourtney & Kim Take New York, because Kim filed for divorce almost immediately after filming, just 72 days after their wedding. But in that time, we saw his true colors:

• In the first episode, Kris leaves New York for Minnesota, because he's already overwhelmed by married life. True, that life included Kourtney, Scott, Mason, and an entire television career. But seriously, up and moving to a different state?
• In the fourth episode, Kris forces Scott to throw a boozy, female-filled party while Kim and Kourtney are out of town. And then he forces Scott to take the blame. Tsk tsk.
• In episode five, Kris pressures Kim's totally gay BFF to come out of the closet.
• In the sixth episode, Kris sneaks off to Toronto for a party while Kim is out of town.
• In the seventh episode, Khloé and Kourtney play pranks on Kris, and he gets incredibly pissed. Where's your sense of humor, sir?

True, the Kardashians basically kontrol the editing of their shows, so it's totally possible that Kim was made to look more sympathetic and Kris was villainized. But there's only so many ways you can manipulate the footage. You can't fabricate Kris' bad behavior, poor attitude, and disregard for his marriage. In his defense, he has tried to defend himself:

Chirp, chirp.

In actuality, Kris has since alleged that the entire marriage was a scam, a calculated plan to promote the Kardashian family brand. When Kim filed for divorce, he petitioned to reject her request, and instead insisted on an annulment on the grounds of fraud. He claimed that much of the show was fake in what became a very lengthy and very public trial.

I've already detailed my thoughts on some of Kris' allegations, but allow me to reiterate that nobody can make Kris look bad without his help. Not to mention, at any point during the television $10 million dollar wedding, didn't Kris come to the conclusion that it was all a hoax? Or did it really take him two months? Of course not. His claims were just his petty revenge against a woman who didn't want to stay married to him. And what's more, when Kim was pregnant, he still insisted on dragging her through the trial.

Well, it's clear who came out on top. Kim is still the reality queen and now has her own family. And Kris, well... Let's just say he should be thankful his marriage to Kim never got to the point where they would try for children. Given that he's several steps below the rest of us on the evolutionary ladder, it wouldn't have worked out.

Bitch of the Week: Kim Kardashian

Stay pressed.

First Kourtney, then Khloé. Finally, Kim Kardashian gets to join the ranks of her sisters as Bitch of the Week. It's about fucking time! Often heralded as one of the stupidest people alive and the bane of pop culture, I would argue that Kim is one of the most intelligent and influential people to ever walk this earth because she understands the art of bitchery like she understands how to use a compass for baby-naming purposes.

At a young age, Kim knew that she was destined to not only make Armenians a pop culturally relevant race, but also to achieve the pinnacle of fame: being famous for just being you! Slowly but surely, Kim was making her way. Her dad was famous for getting OJ Simpson off the hook, her stepdad was an Olympic gold medalist, and she had a secret marriage under her belt at age 19. Bitch was concocting the perfect recipe for fame. Then came the Hilton era.

When frenemy Paris Hilton beat her to the punch with a sex tape and reality show, Kim knew she had to fight fire with fire. So she filmed her own sex tape, which led to her own reality show. And whereas Paris ditched sister Nicky, Kim understood there was strength in numbers, and took all 112 members of the Kardashian clan with her on her journey to stardom.

And the world has never been the same. With each passing year comes a new Kardashian spin-off and another reason that Kim is one of the most famous people on the planet. Now she's not only a socialite and reality star, but she's an actress, a singer, and most importantly, a businesswoman.

But chronicling Kim's successes cannot overshadow one very big failure: her marriage to neanderthal Kris Humphries, which infamously lasted 72 days. Should Kim have thought twice about marrying a guy with the same name as her own mother? Sure. But do I think it's fake? Absolutely not. As with most bitches, Kim abides by the rule that if something isn't working out to your liking, you quit!

Besides, if Kim didn't file for divorce, she wouldn't have been free to start a family with her male ego equivalent, Kanye West. Currently, Kim is in hiding so that her post-birth pictures will be worth more. Bitchery at it's finest.

Before we conclude, let's take a look at some fun quotes, shall we?

• On her love for the sun: "I love the sun but don't have time to get a good tan and keep it year-round, so I am a huge fan of tanning products."
• On her love for nephew Mason: "Let's just say that Mason is the best birth control ever. I'm definitely happy to wait for a while."
• On the one time Beliebers lost their shit: "Is that not ridiculous that people thought that Justin Bieber and I were on a vacation together, on a romantic vacation, in the bahamas, and I just happened to wear a gown as my swimsuit and red lips and he's dressed in a suit in the ocean? Seriously, who would walk to the beach like that?"
• On her proud heritage: "I am Armenian, so of course I am obsessed with laser hair removal! Arms, bikini, leg, underarms... my entire body is hairless!"
• On her career goals: "I want to be a teacher."
• On her preference for cable television vs. network: "The perfect date for me would be staying at home, making a big picnic in bed, eating Wotsits and cookies while watching cable TV." 
• On Paris Hilton: "If Paris Hilton thinks my butt looks gross, I really don't care. At least I have a butt."
• On global crises: "I hate when women wear the wrong foundation color. It might be the worst thing on the planet when they wear their makeup too light."
• On politics: "[Barack Obama] just seemed very firm about the change, and that's, like, his motto."

 And, of course, my personal favorite.

Can We Talk About This Ford Ad?

I bet Kris is behind this.

Now I'm not a big car person. If it works, great! I'll take it. But Ford's most recent ad campaign has me excited in a way I never thought automobiles would.

JWT India has produced several images for the Ford Figo's "leave your worries behind" slogan, and one such picture (above) pokes fun at a historically infamous celebrity feud. It show Paris Hilton in the drivers seat of the car with Kim, Kourtney, and Khloé Kardashian bound and gagged in the trunk. Hilarious! Aside from the rather rude caricature of Khloé, I think the ad is fucking phenomenal. So topical, so smart. I'm in love.

Of course, a bunch of people got super pissed about it and since Ford has no backbone, the company issued an apology and removed the ads from digital distribution. Too bad, I would have totally purchased the car solely based of this campaign, and I'm sure I'm not alone.

Kim K's Divorce Drama Prompts the Question: Does Reality TV Really Need to Be Real?

True love.

This morning, news broke that Keeping Up With the Kardashians producer Russel Jay's deposition could ruin Kim Kardashian's case in her never-ending divorce proceedings with Kris Humphries. In his depo, Jay reveals that Kim knew about Kris' "surprise" proposal beforehand and reshot her reaction. (No duh. You'd have to be a fucking moron to think her apathetic, not-at-all-shocked reaction was genuine.) Jay also alleges that Kim uses "tear sticks" to cry on camera and that some scenes were created from scratch.

Though Jay's deposition prove that Kris partook in a false representation of his relationship with Kim, Kris' lawyers will inevitably use it as an attack on Kim's character to further their argument that the marriage was fraudulent and that she "tricked" him into it. (He is pretty dumb, so...)

This sucks for Kim, but what I'm more interested in is the PUBLIC'S reaction to this. Whether or not Kim's marriage was for realz, I don't understand why people get so pissy when reality television proves to be fake. Yes, the name is a bit deceiving; reality programming implies that it's real. And it is. It's real people in real situations. The catch is that those real people are performing as parodies of themselves and those situations may or may not be created by producers.

Each week, we see the the 30 to 60 best minutes of every 50-plus hours of filming. That's what makes it interesting. Nobody would actually tune into a show that followed somebody in their natural everyday life, no matter who that person is -- it would be totally boring! Reality stars ham it up for the audience, and reality programming is not a whole lot different than scripted shows in that regard.

So instead of bitching about how "fake" the Kardashians/bachelors/teen moms/Jersey Shore degenerates are, just appreciate them for the entertainment value. Follow Kim and Kris' rocky divorce as you would a soap opera. Watch Khloé's cray antics as if they were a sitcom. Indulge in Kourtney's monotony like you would a documentary on the formation of the Rocky Mountains. In short: get over it! Am I right?

Cunt of the Week: Kendall & Kylie Jenner

The poor man's Kardashians.

In 2007, something beautiful happened. Pseudo-celebrity Kim Kardashian's sex tape leaked, and just like that, Paris Hilton's camera-ready bestie became a star in her own right. It didn't take long for the E! Network to exploit that shit with Keeping Up with the Kardashians, which made Kim and her family mega-famous almost overnight. For the most part, this was a good thing. America was introduced to the monotonous and uncaring Kourtney, the loud and crude Khloé, and the controlling and mentally unstable Kris. However, with the good comes the bad, and we were also subjected to this weeks cunts, Kendall and Kylie Jenner.

At first, it wasn't that bad, because they were both under the age of 13 and kept in the background (save for a really disturbing episode when they attempted to re-enact Girls Gone Wild). But damn, as soon as those brats hit their teens, all fucking hell broke loose. Sometimes, Kylie would wear too much make-up, which would make Papa Bruce angry. Other times, Kendall would secretly get a dog, which would also infuriate Bruce. They both started having delusions of grandeur and started acting like they were the stars of the show. With every new season of the Kardashians would come a declaration from the half-wits that they would be getting more screen time.

And more screen time they got. Whether it was Kylie running away from home or Kendall casually jetting off to Las Vegas without her parents' knowledge to get a tattoo on the eve of her sixteenth birthday, it became damn near impossible to watch an episode of the show without these cunts fucking shit up. I'm sorry, but when I'm watching a show called Keeping Up with the KARDASHIANS, I except to be kept up with the KARDASHIANS, not two tweens who have deluded themselves into thinking they're an integral part of the show. What's worse is that the girls are professional models and, as was the case for The Hunger Games premiere, occasional reporters. They think they're full-blown celebrities. Ever checked out their instragrams? They post selfies like every 11 seconds. You don't even have to follow them to see their photos, because they frequently hack into their siblings' accounts and post additional selfies from there. It's a great time.

While the girls spend their time bitching and raiding their older sisters' closets, the sad truth is that they are sort of Kardashians, meaning they are somewhat immune from this title. Even still, I know that when any of us tune in to reality TV's royal family and we're forced to endure Kendall and Kylie, we'll be thinking, God, what cunts!

Bitch of the Week: Khloé Kardashian

We all know she rarely looks like this.

It's about high time we got ourselves another Kardashian up in this bitch. Bitch of the Week, that is. Khloé is the youngest Kardashian kid, unless you count Rob, which most people don't. But her fewer years on Earth hasn't made her any less bitchy. In fact, Kim couldn't even hold a candle to Khlo, and with Kourtney popping out children like a Pez dispenser pops out candy, Khloé is being groomed to be the family's Ultrabitch.

Khloé spent her entire childhood being known as the ugly, fat sister. Any weak-minded, faint-hearted unbitch would go completely bonkers if they were in her shoes. But not Khloé. She sat back and let her sisters get all the attention. Ever the calculating mastermind, she was waiting for the right time. And that time came in 2007 when Kim's sex tape leaked all over the fucking place and the entire family was offered their own reality show. Koko, as she's known, knew that this was her opportunity to outshine her sisters and show America what a bitch she truly is.

In 2009, Khloé showed her bitchiest colors when she married basketball pro Lamar Odom exactly one month after meeting him. And despite tabloid rumors to the contrary, the couple seems to still be going strong. That's right, the marriage is going on four years. Hear that, Kim? FOUR YEARS.

This isn't to say that Khloé hasn't had her trials and tribulations. Her struggles to have a child has been well-documented on her various reality shows and several of her father's ex-wives have come out of the woodwork claiming that Khloé isn't Robert Kardashian's biological daughter. She also was arrested for a DUI (but like a pro bitch, she only served three hours of her 30-day sentence). Additionally, she's been sued a shitload of times.

But she never lets that get her down. For every obstacle she comes across, Khloé launches another DASH store. She combats the sticks and stones with unnecessary products like a unisex fragrance or a novel.

She did this, too.

To further illustrate Khloé's bitchery, here are some fun quotes:

• On Kim's relationship with Reggie Bush: "Seriously, the Bush and the Tush, that was like iconic for me."
• On life: "Hi guys. Shake your tits! Oh yeah, they jiggle, baby."
• On the human body: "I have a nipple obsession and personally love when women show their nipples— perhaps I was a member of a nudist colony in my last life."
• On golfing: "I think maybe I could hit them better if they were black balls."
• On bitchery: "Sometimes a bitch snaps."

Say what you want about Khloé Kardashian. Say she's fat or ugly or the worst Kardashian sister. But don't ever say she's not a bitch. Because, actually, she's Bitch of the Week. She even has a fucking accent in her name, and that's about as bitchy as it gets. Deal with it.

Bitch of the Week: Kourtney Kardashian, the Ultimate Calabitch

Mirror, mirror on the wall,
Who's the biggest bitch of all?

The Kardashian family is built on a lineage of strong, independent Armenian bitches, so the fact that Kourtney Kardashian is the Bitch of the Week doesn't even require an explanation. But here it is anyway. Kourtney is the eldest of the Kardashian sisters, meaning she has been bitching it up since before Kim and Khloé even left the womb. For 33 years, Kourtney has been DGAFing hardcore about many things, particularly other people's feelings. She has built up a beautifully monotonous speaking pattern, which has given her the ability to conceal any emotion or sign of humanity that may be lying beneath the surface.

Kourtney had a relatively normal childhood, except she was rich as fuck and her parents were biffles with OJ Simpson. She then graduated from the University of Arizona with degrees in theatre arts and Spanish, but like a true bitch, Kourtney forsook those useless skills and opened up a chic boutique in Calabasas called DASH. And long before Kim's porno made the whole fam famous, Kourtney dipped her toe in the reality television waters by appearing in Filfthy Rich: Cattle Drive, which was just about a bunch of rich people's children competing for charity. I like everything about that except the whole charity aspect.

Kourtney passes down her bitchery to the next generation.

Since then, Kourtney and her sisters have all become major bitches and tabloid queens. But it's Kourtney who proved time and time again that she could outbitch her sisters any day of the week. She started dating Scott Disick, a metro douchbag and her personal sperm bank. Whether it's Scott's alcoholism and philandering tendencies or Kourtney's emotional unavailability, the couple's turbulent relationship has been well documented and serves to remind us all that a real bitch doesn't lead a boring life. (She even refused to give birth to her children in the typical plebeian manner and pulled those suckers out of her vadge all by herself!) In fact, she makes sure not a damn minute goes by that she's not in the living rooms of millions of Americans, prompting her to star in not only Keeping Up With the Kardashians, but also Kourtney and Khloé Take Miami and Kourtney and Kim Take New York as well. When's the last time you took two cities? Probably never, because you ain't Kourtney K.

To further prove what a grade A Bitch Kourt is, I've compiled a list of her best quotes:

• On working with photographer Ashley Paige: "Ashley Paige is insane. I'm ready to shove a taco up her ass."
• On self-reflection: "I think I have mental problems."
• On Kim crying after losing an expensive earring: "Kim, there are people that are dying."
• On food: "I'm such a bitch when I'm hungry, like stone cold biatch."
• On being a mother: "I remember one day I was kissing Mason and he spit up in my mouth and I loved it."
• On self-image: "Whenever I look at my old pictures… I look so ugly and my eyes look weird."

It's safe to assume that Kourtney will be a bitch for all of prosperity. Thankfully, there are about a dozen different Kardashian reality shows to capture her in all her glory!