Tommy Picks 20 Things to Get Over for 2014

It's a well-known fact that I am against self-improvement, major lifestyle changes, and starting anew. But this is mostly for myself. For the greater good, I believe that we should greet the New Year without the cumbersome baggage of 2013. Here is a list of 20 things we just really need to get the fuck over before the ball drops.

1. The Power of Beyoncé. I thought it died down after the Superbowl, but leave it to this bitch to release an album out of fucking nowhere. I couldn't avoid her if I hid under a pile of rocks for all of time.
2. "The Fox". You know what? I don't give a shit what the fox says. It can shut the fuck up, and so can you.
3. The Voice. Everybody watches it, but my question is WHY?! None of the winners go on to be successful, so clearly people don't care enough about the acts. And the Adam/Christina banter can only do so much...
4. Boba. That shit is nastaaay! Also cancerous (although, what isn't?).
5. Gluten-free health shit.
6. Hatin' on Kimye. They may be ridiculous, but Kim and Kayne just had a baby. True, she indulges in the limelight and he talks out of his ass, but let's aim our hatred at celebrities who actually deserve it!
7. Pixar. Two summers in a row now, Pixar has failed me. Brave was a pile of duck shit and Monsters University was a major letdown. Meanwhile, Disney has been turning out fantastic movies like Frozen and gets nowhere near as much credit. Disney > Pixar, always.
8. The Jonas Brothers. I'm not exactly sure why the JoBros suddenly got a rise in popularity, but this is not 2007. Yes, they broke up, Nick got hot, and Joe tattled on his fellow Disney stars in a tell-all article, but this is the era of One Direction. Get outta here, JoBros!
9. "Omg Tom Daley is gay?!" Bitch, please. Like you did not see this one coming. And he's not gay, he's bi. We know this because he said he still "fancies" women, which made him sound really gay.
10. Miley Cyrus. As a former Bitch of the Week, Miley should be celebrated. But this obsession over her, positive or negative, is out of all fucking control.
11. Twerking. While we're on the topic of Miley, let's put to rest the issue of the dance move she sensationalized. Now that it's officially in the dictionary, don't you think we should just accept it and move past it?
12. Superhero spin-offs. I don't need 15 fucking movies with Robery Downey, Jr. as Ironman in it this year, thanks.
13. Florida. Damn, the sheer amount of bullshit that comes from that state is reason enough to annex the shit out of it. #tootles
14. Duck Dynasty. I struggle to find the appeal of this hick shit, but the more we discuss Phil Robertson's offensive remarks against the LGBT community, the more attention we bring to that fucking franchise! I am sorry, but I will NOT live in a country that takes pride in being gross. I just won't.
15. Long-ass movies. Films these days are unapologetically long; even the good ones could stand to trim a couple scenes. What's worse, if you wanna be up to speed with dem Oscar contendors, you lose like 45 hours of your damn life. Once a movie hits the two-hour mark, I better see some fucking credits roll.
16. Jelena. Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez are OVER. They are hopefully never (ever ever) getting back together. Let's stop linking every misdeed the Biebs does to his heartache. He is not pissing in a bucket because he misses his ex. He's just an asshole. Similarly, Selena did not just recently cancel the last leg of her tour to deal with the grief from a relationship that ended a year ago.
17. Game of Thrones. Honestly, let's move it along, people.
18. Lady Gaga. It's nice to see that the general public is starting to turn against her, but her 2013 was still far too successful for my liking.
19. That double standard. Why is it that when Zac Efron checks into rehab, he's commended for taking responsibility for his health, but when Selena Gomez was rumored to be checking in, people went ape shit and called her a train wreck? Just sayin'. #feminism
20. The sun. It was just too damn hot this year. That needs to not happen again. Thanks

Cheers! Here's to a better and brighter new year!

Cunt of the Week: Gabriella Montez

Always feeling sorry for herself.

She may be played by a Bitch of the Week, but Gabriella Montez is nothing short of a cunt. Naturally, those of us who were fans of the High School Musical trilogy were #TeamSharpay, and if you weren't, you're wrong. Why is that? Well, let's assess the situation, shall we?

In the first film, Gabriella brings a fucking book to a New Year's Eve party. She just really likes to read, you guys. Because she's losing herself in Pride & Prejudice or some shit, she's caught off guard when she's involuntarily hoisted on stage to sing a duet with a pre-dental surgery Zac Efron aka Troy Bolton. Of course she falls madly in love, cyber stalks him, finds out he lives in Albuquerque, and forces her mother to move there.

Troy, the hotshot at East High, is naturally uncomfortable hanging out with a self-professed "freaky genius girl," but Gabriella has no shame. She practically holds a gun to his head, coercing him to audition for the winter musicale with her. This doesn't sit well with resident theater bitch Sharpay and her incestuous and/or gay twin Ryan. A rivalry is born, and it's a rivalry that Gabriella, in all her cunt ways, wins.

Gabriella and Troy securing the lead roles in the musical vastly alters the social scene at East High. And Miss Montez doesn't care that she basically turned a whole fucking school on its head, because...

She pulls the same shit in the second movie! Gabriella, Troy, and their whole goddamn class start working at Sharpay's family's country club. G says she didn't know that the Evans family owned the place, but I have a hard time believing Sharpay didn't strut through the hallways dropping comments like "you'll never be country club material; I'd know because I own one" on the daily.

Gabriella and her shitty Shirley Temple haircut fuck up the social order at the country club too. Rather than letting Sharpay and Ryan rightfully claim the prize at the Midsummer Night Talent Show (#nepotism), she rallies together the whole service crew to put on a show. I'm sorry, but is this bitch the fucking Malcolm X for the Lava Springs staff or something? She can take a fucking SEAT.

As Gabriella becomes a senior in the third film, her cunting only gets worse. Even though she gets into Stanford EARLY (like they want her to start taking classes before she graduates high school, since that actually happens and all...), she considers going to community classes.

Everybody gives their two cents on the matter, but Gabriella decides she's still not as much in the center of attention as she would like to be, so she runs away to Stanford. Then when she realizes nobody gives a shit that she's gone, she comes back unannounced to star in the fucking musical, stealing the spotlight from Sharpay for the third time!

So unfortunately, Gabriella doesn't get what she deserves. The only downside for her is that Troy doesn't go to the same college as her. Meanwhile, what does Sharpay get? An assistant job at the high school and a shitty spin-off sequel.

Let's consider this a sobering life lesson, ladies and gentlemen. Life is short, and often unfair. So let us not spend it letting cunts like Gabriella get what they want. Down with them all!

20 Things You Didn't Know About High School Musical

What time is it?

1. The first film's soundtrack was the best-selling album of 2006 in the United States.
2. Peter Barsocchini, who wrote all three films, named the character Gabriella after his own daughter.
3. Hunter Parrish, who later went on to star in Weeds, and Sterling Knight of Sonny With a Chance both auditioned for the role of Troy. Zac Efron had previously auditioned for a pilot for Disney Channel before being cast in High School Musical. For the first film, Drew Seeley provided Troy's singing voice, but Zac did his own singing in the subsequent films.
4. Ashley Tisdale auditioned for Sharpay at the last minute. Though executives were already familiar with her, they didn't think she could play mean based on her performance on The Suite Life of Zack & Cody. For her portrayal of Sharpay, Ashley channeled Rachel McAdam's performance in Mean Girls.
5. High School Musical 2 premiered with over 17 million viewers, making it both the most-watched cable TV movie as well as the most-watched basic cable broadcast of all time.
6. To compensate for the PR nightmare that was Vanessa Hudgens' nude photo scandal, Disney slashed her paycheck for the third film, and both Zac and Ashley were paid more. Sucks to suck!
7. Corbin Bleu auditioned for the role of Ryan before getting cast as Chad.
8. Disney Channel had tried to get writer Peter Barsocchini to set the script in middle school, but he insisted that nobody would want to watch that shit!
9. There was a "no yawning" rule on the set of the first film; anybody yawning had to put a quarter in the yawning jar. Lord Jesus.
10. The first movie was filmed at East High School in Salt Lake City during the summer, when school was out of session. The second movie filmed all of its school scenes when East High was out for spring break. When the third movie came around, East High was in session and closed several of its hallways off to its actual students to accommodate filming. #publicschoolproblems
11. Monique Coleman, who played Taylor, did not know how to swim and was nervous to jump into the pool during the finale of the second film. She said that she received enormous support from the cast and crew, particularly Corbin, who jumped with her. If you're wondering why you've never seen Taylor jump into the pool, it's because after ALL OF THAT, it ultimately wasn't shown in the film.
12. After the success of the first film, Disney offered recording contracts to all of its main stars with Hollywood Records. Only Vanessa and Corbin inked a deal. Ashley opted to sign with Warner Bros., as she hoped to make music for an older crowd that Disney tweenboppers. 
13. With "What I've Been Looking For" and "Bop to the Top", Ashley became the first female artist in history to debut on the Billboard Hot 100 with two songs simultaneously.
14. The first film was to include a duet between Coach Bolton and Ms. Darbus. I think I speak for the entire world when I say that whoever decided to cut it before filming began is a gift from God.
15. High School Musical wasn't intended to be the film's title, but by the time production wrapped, a better title hadn't been thought of, and Disney hesitantly went along with the simple but catchy title.
16. High School Musical 2 was the first Disney Channel Original Movie to be advertised outside of the Disney Channel on networks like ABC and USA.
17. Upon its initial announcement, the third film was to be titled Haunted High School Musical and focus on a Halloween plot... Mm.
18. Jemma McKenzie-Brown, Matt Prokop, and Justin Martin were all cast in their roles for the third film with the expectation that they would carry on the series afterwards. However, after everybody realized how shitty they were, the three newbies were effectively fired from the fourth film, which would have focused on East High's rivalry with West High. The fourth film never materialized, but the fuckery that was Sharpay's Fabulous Adventure happened instead.
19. Selena Gomez was offered the role of Tiara Gold for the third film but turned it down. She later stated that she felt it would be a good opportunity for somebody else. Miley Cyrus, who has a cameo in the second film, was also allegedly tapped for the role.
20. In 2010, Disney was developing a musical comedy series called Madison High. Though it would have remained separate from the film series, the character of Ms. Darbus would link the two universes. Thankfully, Disney Channel didn't pick up the series.

Throwback Thursday: Tommy Picks the Best Songs by Disney Channel Stars

Honestly, so true. But where's Christy Carlson Romano?

It's no secret that I have a weakness for Disney Channel stars. There's nothing I like more than a celebrity whose acting is so horrible, it's actually fun to watch, and who releases uber catchy, albeit cookie-cutter, jams at a Rihanna-like frequency. While I admittedly have no idea what fuckery has been going on with the Disney Channel in the past two years, I have at least a decade of treasured memories, most of which involve my favorite stars exploring music careers despite having a lack of talent and, in some cases, ambition.

So, without further ado, I present the top ten songs by Disney Channel stars.

10. "Double Dutch Bus" by Raven-Symoné
Fe Fi Fo Fum! Well I'll be done, here Raven comes! It's unclear to me if Raven's singing career actually ever existed, or if she was self-financing various music videos a la Rebecca Black and paying for ad space on Disney Channel to air them to millions of children around the country. Regardless of the legitimacy of her singing career, there's no denying that her cover of "Double Dutch Bus" isn't a jam. With lyrics such as "Wizzo izzay izzle in da double dizutch," you just know that you're taking a bus ride straight to audio heaven.

9. "Naturally" by Selena Gomez & The Scene
Remember when Selena Gomez was like, "I'm gonna have a music career but I'm not gonna be a solo artist. I'm gonna have a band because that makes it legit, unlike this Miley Cyrus bullshit"? Well, I'm paraphrasing, but the point is she made a big deal about not being a solo artist... So she proceeded to hire four (Five? Three? I don't even know) guys to literally do nothing. They don't write any songs and, given that Selena's jams are mostly synthetic dance songs, they probably don't even play instruments. No matter how screwed-up the formula is, it produced "Naturally", which launched Selena's music career and, three years later, has proven that it will NEVER get old. The music video leaves much to be desired, but the song more than makes up for it.

8. "See You Again" by Miley Cyrus
Despite her rather unfortunate career and hair-related decisions recently, Miley Cyrus is the pinnacle of Disney Channel stardom. Remember when she was basically running this shit like a club? Well, it all comes back to "See You Again". In 2007, after a year of Hannah Montana caca, Miley decided it was time to ditch the blonde wig and embark on musical journey all her own. The fact that this song was Miley's (14 at the time) first non-HM song should have been an indication of the salvia-smoking slut she would eventually blossom into. It's mature, but not explicitly inappropriate. Miley knew what was up! "See You Again" also gave birth to the beloved phrase, "She's just being Miley!" And indeed she is just being Miley. Indeed she is.

7. "Say OK" by Vanessa Hugens
Back when she still insisted on using her middle name, Vanessa Anne Hudgens was high on her High School Musical fame. Everyone wanted to sign her and her co-stars to record deals, and she knew she had to strike while the iron's hot. The result? "Say OK", a wonderful jam about being whiney and constantly needing reassurance and validation from a lover. (I'm assuming it's autobiographical.) The music video is just as much a treat as the song, as it acted as the "coming out" of Vanessa and Zac Efron as a couple. #RIPZanessa

6. "Send It On" by Disney's Friends for Change
Disney must have been feeling pretty bad about their ecological footprint, because in 2009, they gathered their biggest stars to sing about how we need to take better care of our planet. The theme of "Send It On" is buried in some weird message about shining lights. Nevertheless, it was the first and only time Miley, Selena, Demi Lovato, and the Jonas Brothers all collaborated on a song. (They were collectively billed as Disney's Friends for Change, which is just gross.) It's so deliciously wonderful to watch Miley play nice with Selena and Demi, as it was common knowledge at the time that they didn't get along. Equally as entertaining is how the stars are paired off: former lovers Miley and Nick, future lovers Demi and Joe, and then Selena and Kevin, the ones who can't sing.

5. "Give Your Heart a Break" by Demi Lovato
If anyone is the exception to the Disney mold, it's Demi Lovato. Not only does she have actual raw talent, but bitch is intense! She went to rehab for being an addict and all-around hot mess (more on that for her inevitable Cunt of the Week post). I have all of Demi's albums, as is the case with most of the people on this list, and I fell in love with "Give Your Heart a Break" when Unbroken came out over a year ago. Basically, I liked it before it was popular. #Hipsterology

4. "He Said She Said" by Ashley Tisdale
Similar to her High School Musical homegirl, Ashley Tisdale wasted no time milking the opportunities the movie's success afforded her. However, since she didn't sign with Disney's label Hollywood Records, she was allowed to be as big a slut as she wanted. In "He Said She Said", Ashley comes off as a Britney wannabe, but she makes it work. (It was so naughty, in fact, that she had to come out with a clean version so she could get airplay on the all-too-powerful Radio Disney.) The song is a lovely blend of Ashley rapping, "singing," and then cooing like a baby. Love it!

3. "So Yesterday" by Hilary Duff
Let's be honest: my best friend Hilary Duff has released many a jam over the years and it was hard to narrow it down to just one for this list. I selected "So Yesterday" because it says so much about life. "If it's over, let it go" is, like, the best advice. So while the song may not tell us what dreams are made of, encourage us to take a crazy chance, or rally us to wake up on a Saturday night, it certainly holds its own as an insatiable HilDuff jam. Also, just try not to enjoy the music video.

2. "Love You Like a Love Song" by Selena Gomez & The Scene
Making their second appearance on the list, Selena Gomez (and the Scene, I guess) proves that when the topic of love has been exhausted in innumerable songs, the best solution is to write a song about it. "Love You Like a Love Song" is pretty much one of the best songs ever written so when you're done being pressed as fuck, you can enjoy the music video. It's really fun!

1. "Party in the U.S.A." by Miley Cyrus
As if there was any doubt that this would be the top song! "Party in the U.S.A." is probably what was playing in God's head when he made the human race, because this song is the epitome of life. It's catchy, talks about cardigans, and even has a Britney reference. The best part of the song is its patriotic message. Yeah, it is a party in the U.S.A. Though my several attempts to get the song inducted as our country's national anthem have flopped, I will not rest until children all across this merry land are saluting the majestic flag, all decked in red, white, and blue, while singing, "Who's that chick that's rockin' kicks? She gotta be from out of town."

Bitch of the Week: The High School Musical Golden Trio

Bitches on parade.

What time is it? Bitch of the Week time! Or in this case, bitches of the week. That's right: this time around, Zac Efron, Vanessa Hudgens, and Ashley Tisdale are working hand-in-hand to prove that sometimes the best bitchery comes from teamwork.

High School Musical is credited for many things, including boosting Disney Channel to a new level of popularity, making musicals cool again, and for defining tween pop culture for three years. Everybody loved the trilogy, and if you didn't, well you can just go fuck yourself. Most notably, however, the film series launched the careers of the three aforementioned bitches. (Wtf is a corbin bleu?) They were so influential for like 3 years, and while their respective careers may have fizzled out, their bitchery has remained in tact. Let's take a closer look at the individuals.

Just Zac.

Zac Efron
Well, fuck. All you have to do is look at Zac Efron to know why he is just all kinds of right. Disney Channel's first legit heartthrob, Zac could spend the rest of his life getting by on his looks. Even though that would be the bitchy thing to do, he's committed to his craft, which I guess is pretty respectable. He tries his best to be a dramatic actor while still playing to an audience of teenagers and desperate single women in their late 20s. That's how he ended up in a Nicholas Sparks movie. As far as I'm concerned, Zac can do whatever the hell he wants and I'll still buy a ticket.

The good guy also knows who he is and has stood by his morals while dealing with a little thing called fame. "I'll never try to put on a fake image," he has said. "I'm just Zac." Oh, and that's all we want you to be, Zac! Mr. Efron has a lot of courage, braving criticisms on his legitimacy as an actor as well as rampant gay rumors in order to star in all three High School Musical films, as well as Hairspray. You have to respect a bitch who doesn't take shit from anybody else.

Vanessa Hudgens
Mmhmm, I know what you're thinking. But no, this is not a mistake. Baby V will not be getting Cunt of the Week, despite the fact that her name is listed in the thesaurus as a synonym for cunt. Because of her tireless contributions to the best musical trilogy in history, I'll spin her cuntitude into bitchery. For starters, Vanessa had to have done something right to land Zac Efron. She's pretty and all, but also whiny as fuck. Or so it appears. And she's like not a real person. I remember reading interviews with all the stars of the film. They were asked what their favorite food was. While most answered sushi or pizza, Vanessa answered Flaming Hot Cheetos. Um... Well, alright.

Bitch or cunt?

Then there's the whole nude picture thing. That was totally fine. She apologized, so it was like whatever. It was for Zac, meant to be private, etc. Then it happened again. This is when, like a true bitch, she claimed the photos were taken when she was underage and had that shit taken down. Ladies and gents, that's the way to handle a nude photo scandal!

Personally, I think V is just the ultimate troll. She just does shit for the sake of stirring the pot, which is a total bitch thing to do. The key to accepting Vanessa as a bitch is to just find the humor in what she does and says. For example:

• On her career ambitions: "I'd like to win an Oscar."
• On her hobbies: "I just love lip gloss."
• On fashion: "I love funky styles. Not preppy or rock, just funky!"
• On her fans: "Right now, I do not like kids at all. I mean, I love my fans and everything, but when you have kids following you around all day, it's like, "Ugh, kids!" Maybe that will change when I get older."

Other bitches ain't shit.

Ashley Tisdale
Ah, yes. Ashley Tisdale, my personal fave of the bunch. Where to start with Ashley? Real talk: For about a year, I was a Tizbyterian, meaning I followed Ashley Tisdale religiously. I thought she was just the greatest thing since sliced bread. And who can blame me? She was the best thing about The Suite Life, and she played Sharpay Evans in HSM, and that's about as bitchy as Disney will let you get. Then she proceeded to launch a music career with jams such as "He Said She Said", "Be Good To Me", and "It's Alright, It's OK". There was no shortage of reasons to convert. I even devoted part of a fucking school project to her.

Since then, however, I got over it. #Britneyology This is mostly because the Tiz has made some rather unfortunate career decisions. Hellcats, anybody? And she also abandoned her music career to focus on acting, which is like Santa getting high on meth on Christmas instead of delivering presents. Still, Ashley retains the bitchiness that made me fall in love with her in the first place, so we good now. Here are some fun quotes illustrating her bitchiness:

• "I don't drink and I don't smoke. It's a personal preference."
• "I love pink, it's so girly!"
• "Zac Efron would make us feel guilty for eating big dinners. He'd say 'Do you really want to eat all those carbs?' It was like, thanks a lot!" (Oh Zac, you bitch!)

So while these three stars' career may have wavered, and while we'll probably never get High School Musical: The College Years, it's safe to say Zac, Vanessa, and Ashley will always be the G-rated bitches they were meant to be. Or R-rated, in Vanessa's case.