Melissa Joan Hart Made Out with Ryan Reynolds; I Now Hate Her

Yikes... Maybe I'm not that jealous.

To ring in the weekend, here's something that will make you feel really old. Melissa Joan Hart, who starred in childhood classic Clarissa Explains All and Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, is 37 years old. Do your bones ache just thinking about that?


Well luckily, she wasn't always this old! Back when she was 19, MJH filmed the original Sabrina movie (which would eventually lead to the non-canonical TV show). This film also starred a pre-Sexiest Man Alive Ryan Reynolds.

And as Melissa revealed on Chelsea Lately, the two had a flirtatious friendship while on set, which resulting in a steamy make-out session on the last day of filming! Not only is this fucked up because Ryan was only 17 at the time, but it's also extremely unfair. Thankfully, this magical macking didn't foster a relationship that we know about. The worst part of it all, however, is that Melissa probably thinks she's on par with Scarlett Johansson and Blake Lively now. Gurl, plz.

Things Tommy Loves and Hates #2

God did good here.

Thing I Love #2: Ryan Reynolds

Enough said.

Thing I Hate #2: Ryan Reynolds Movies

Except The Proposal. That's a fucking classic.

This or That: Ryan Gosling vs. Ryan Reynolds

Only one can win.

In today's pop culture, there is not just one, but two Ryans that dominate. And while there may be room for both of them, Tommy Time's This or That only allows for one winner. So let's get started, shall we?

The Basics
Both Ryan Gosling and Ryan Reynolds are Canadian, so whether that's good or bad, it's ultimately innocuous. They're both charitable and have relatively clean records, but I'll deduct a point from each: RyGos for his DUI charge in 2005 and RyRey for most likely cheating on his wife with Blake Lively. Ryan Gosling gets a bonus point for having worked alongside a young Britney Spears on The Mickey Mouse Club, while Ryan Rodney Reynolds obviously has the better name. So what I'm getting at is this round is a draw!

Talent and career
Neither is exactly regarded as the actor of their generation, but Ryan Gosling is the more respected actor by far, and he even has the Oscar nomination to prove it. And I'd be damned if I didn't mention The Notebook somewhere in this post. Meanwhile, with films like Dick and The Proposal, Ryan Reynolds obviously has quite a few classics under his belt; however, other films like The Green Lantern do more than enough to undermine his career. This round goes to Gosling!

Looks
Personally, I'm #TeamReynolds here. And I'm not alone. Though both actors consistently rank on "most attractive celebrities" lists, RyRey is the only one who has nabbed the title of People's Sexiest Man Alive. But the "hey girl" status of Ryan Gosling's popularity, which is frankly out of fucking control, proves that he has quite a fan base. Still, my opinion is the most important here, so score one for Ryan Reynolds!

Personal lives
Both Ryans are private individuals and have dated some of the most beautiful and desired women in Hollywood. RyGos' many high-profile relationships have made me dizzy. Meanwhile, RyRey likes commitment and has only had three serious relationships throughout his fame. Currently, Ryan Gosling is with Eva Mendes, who I find incredibly annoying. Meanwhile, Ryan Reynolds is with Blake Lively, and that's some legit shit. This round goes to Ryan Reynolds!

Well, based on this scientific formula, it's clear that Ryan Reynolds is indeed the better Ryan. I hope RyGos fan girls have learned a valuable lesson here. Just because they have the same name, doesn't mean they're equals. Stay pressed.

Happy Valentine's Day! Tommy Picks the Best Celebrity Couples!

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone! I hope that your day is filled with merriment and romance. If you're like me, however, it won't be. For those of us who are single, there are two ways to handle this day of PDA: (1) be completely bitter and probably shave off two years of your life by being so depressed, or (2) admire super fun celebrity couples who just get it. Since Tommy Time is all about positivity (lol jk), I'm going with the second choice.

Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie
Rihanna & Chris Brown
Taylor Swift & [Fill in the blank]

Ha, just kidding. I couldn't resist. Okay, time to get real.

Any couple that brings Fred and Daphne to life
definitely deserves to be on this list.

Sarah Michelle Gellar & Freddie Prinze, Jr.
As we all well know, Hollywood and successful marriages rarely go hand in hand; however, Sarah Michelle Gellar and Freddie Prinze, Jr. have proven that it can be done. The couple met in 1997 while filming I Know What You Did Last Summer and have been inseparable since. They married in 2002, have appeared in four films together, including the Scooby Doo movies, and have two children, Charlotte and Rocky. How fun! I'm still waiting for a Cruel Intentions spin-off in which Kathryn is still turning tricks with her unsuspecting husband (played but none other than her real-life hubby).

Holler for a dollar.

Emma Stone & Andrew Garfield
Mm. Love these two! Ever since playing onscreen lovers in The Amazing Spider-Man, Emma Stone and Andrew Garfield have been the golden couple of young Hollywood. They're both talented, beautiful, and one of them is British! So this shit betta be foreva. Emma and Andrew are nothing but adorable, as they enjoy interrupting each other's E! News interviews and promoting charity while being stalked by the paparazzi (see above).

Surprisingly hard to find a good photo of
these two.

Ellen DeGeneres & Portia de Rossi
Remember when Ellen was a lesbian? Well, she still is! And she's still with her wife, Portia de Rossi. I'm not terribly familiar with Portia's acting resume, but we all know that Ellen is a barrel of fucking laughs and deserves a lifetime of happiness for bringing us daytime TV watchers such joy over the years. They're going on their fifth year of marriage and there's no doubt that their love will continue for many more decades. But not too many; did you know Ellen and Portia are 55 and 40, respectively? Damn. 

Not exactly representative of their love, but
I find the photograph fun to look at.

Blake Lively & Ryan Reynolds
The inclusion of Blake and Ryan on this list is quite precarious, I'll admit. After all, it wasn't that long ago that I was predicting their hush-hush marriage wouldn't last. But that was just wishful thinking on my part. Ryan Reynolds makes my list any day of the week, and Blake, dumb as she is, gets brownie points for being a major player in the Gossip Girl legacy. But they are SO ATTRACTIVE and SO PRIVATE (six months and still no wedding photos?!) that they deserve a long, healthy marriage.

Murica.

The Obamas
I usually avoid political stuff because who wants to read about that shit whilst checking out the latest Cunt of the Week? But I felt the need to be a little patriotic. After all, what list is complete without the President and First Lady repping America up in this bitch? It's so neat that they can be, like, really political and stuff but also be super fun. Somehow I don't think the Romneys would have pulled it off as well.

Reppin' the gays.

Neil Patrick Harris & David Burtka
With Neil Patrick Harris being as omnipresent as he is, it seemed foolish not to include him on this list. The How I Met Your Mother star has been with his partner David Burtka since 2004 and they are the fathers of twins Gideon and Harper. (If I ever met them in person, one of my first questions would be, "Why did you name your kids that?...") Small disagreements aside, Neil and David are definitely one of the best couples out there. If their constant appearances at every award show on earth means anything, it's that they have a long road together ahead of them!

Are they or aren't they?

Bonus: Leighton Meester & Adam Brody
This shit is hot off the presses, y'all! Earlier this month, the media went cray with reports that Leighton Meester and Adam Brody, who starred together in The Oranges, have been dating "for weeks." I'm a fan of both actors and this makes SO MUCH SENSE for them to be hook up that I'm almost kicking myself for not thinking of it earlier! Not much is known about their relationship, or if the reports are even true to begin with, but let's all suspend our disbelief for the sake of Saint Valentine or whoever the fuck this holiday is named for and pray that Leighton and Adam are indeed an item!

This list may be a little biased, and there are certainly other celebrity couples who are just as deserving of a spot on this prestigious compilation as the rest of 'em, but that's not important. What we should all take away from this is that if you're single this Valentine's Day, it's okay! Live vicariously through the beautiful love stories I have just told you. And if you're in a relationship, check yourself, okay? Because whatever you have will NEVER measure up to these seven couples.

Tommy Picks 20 Things to Look Forward to in 2013

Ring it in!

Well, it's officially 2013. I've already posted a list of 20 things we need to get the fuck over as we leave 2012 behind. So now, on a more positive note, I've listed 20 things to look forward to for the next 12 months.

1. Britney Spears. Album 8. It's confirmed.
2. The Kimye Baby
3. Tina Fey and Amy Poehler hosting the Golden Globes
4. Oz: The Great and Powerful
5. 20-year high school reunion for the original Beverly Hills, 90210 gang. Make it happen. #TeamKelly
6. The Hunger Games: Catching Fire
7. The Miley Cyrus/Liam Hemsworth Wedding
8. One Direction's world tour. Am I going as of yet? No. Would I kill to go? Probably.
9. The return of Pretty Little Liars
10. The Man of Steel
11. Watching laughing at The Carrie Diaries as it falls flat on its ass
12. Gangster Squad. Love me some Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone!
13. Stricter gun control and gay marriage errywhere. (I know, serious things? #ugh)
14. Ryan Reynolds and anything he does.
15. Nicki Minaj and Mariah Carey catfights on American Idol
16. Seeing if Amanda Bynes' hit-and-runs outnumber Lindsay Lohan's arrests
17. Saving Mr. Banks. Tom Hanks plays Walt Disney. #sold
18. Albums 4 from Miley, Demi, Selena, and Hilary. Let's make it a fucking jam-packed year, ladies!
19. The Great Gatsby
20. Most importantly, this (hopefully) happening.

Happy New Year!!!

Tommy Picks 20 Things to Get Over for 2013

The epitome of what to get over for 2013. And yes, this
picture is recent.

With the new year rapidly approaching and everybody deluding themselves into thinking they'll actually make some kind of major change to their lives, I think it's time to establish what we all need to just be over by the time 2013 is here. I've compiled a list of such things.

1.  Gangnam Style. Not sure why this was ever a thing, but let's just chalk it up to one of the several mistakes humanity blindly committed in 2012.
2. Taylor Swift. And whoever she's dating.
3. Yolo. If I hear it again, your one life won't last for much longer.
4. Your ex. Holy shit, I don't want to hear it anymore.
5. The world ending. I'm not putting up with this "Oh, now the world is gonna end in 2015" bullshit! The world didn't end. We're all still here. Hooray. Now shut the fuck up already!
6. Fifty Shades of Grey. Totally over it. Was never into it.
7. Rihanna. She'll likely release 3 new albums and countless singles this next year. Let's not give her any more #1s, okay? Similarly, she and Chris Brown will probably break-up and make-up 14 times. Let's not care, okay?
8. Pinterest. Face it, you're not as healthy, skinny, active, interesting, fashionable, funny, or unique as you think you are.
9. Vampires. With the Twilight saga finally behind us, let's finally abolish vampires from pop culture and end this morbid and nonsensical obsession with bloodsuckers once and for all. (Note: This does not apply to True Blood. That will forever be the only exception.)
10. Lindsay Lohan. Personal note to Lilo: Let's try not to get arrested this year.
11. "Call Me Maybe". It's not funny anymore.
12. Emma Watson. What the fuck, you guys. She's not that great.
13. Channing Tatum. For the same reasons as #12.
14. Honey Boo Boo. Remember when reality television was dominated by the Kardashians and a band of pregnant teenagers (sometimes, it was hard to tell the difference between the two.) Let's bring that back!
15. Miley Cyrus' hair. She's just being Miley!
16. Celebrity sex tapes. Unless this is one featuring Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively, no one cares.
17. "Jennifer Aniston's pregnant with Brad's triplets! Shocking details of the affair and her marriage to Justin to cover it up! Plus, what Courteney Cox has to say about it!" No.
18. Obama's nationality.
19. Singing competition shows. Unless Britney is a judge.
20. The Royal Family.

So there you have it. This year, don't make your New Year's resolution some diet or personal growth you can't possibly achieve; rather, vow to get over everything on this list. Then maybe, just maybe, there will peace on Earth at last.

Ryan Reynolds & Blake Lively: Why It Probably Won't Work Out

Behold, the world's most beautiful specimens.

Like so few others, I cried when I heard the news that Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively got married earlier this month. And while I couldn't be certain as to whether I was shedding those tears out of joy or depression, I knew one thing for sure: this marriage probably won't work out. And here's a few reasons why:

1. Green Lantern is the foundation of their relationship
Ryan and Blake first met while filming Green Lantern, which is undoubtedly the shittiest super hero film in recent history. This film had so many problems, starting with the fact that Blake was a brunette in it. #BlondesHaveMoreFun Additionally, the film attempted to be both a comic book spectacular and an action comedy. It was neither; I did not "ooh" nor "aah" nor lol. I was totally bored. I think the most fun I had during that viewing experience was when the film ended with a cliffhanger that set up for a potential sequel, because I laughed to myself and said, "Ain't nobody coming back for seconds." It turns out I wasn't alone; Green Lantern was a critical and commercial flop. If this film is the foundation of Ryan and Blake's marriage, we can count on a divorce by 2014.

2. Once a cheater...
While I wouldn't go as far as to accuse Ryan of adultery, it is a little suspicious that he divorced his first wife, Scarlet Johansson, soon after filming Green Lantern, only to begin dating Blake a few short months later. I wonder if the pattern will repeat itself when Ryan stars alongside another TV starlet like, say, Miley Cyrus or something.

3. Blake is an idiot
Ryan was engaged to Alanis Morissette and married to Scarlett Johansson, both of whom are very well-spoken and seemingly educated. I would probably put Blake at the opposite end of the spectrum. I've collected some quotes from Blake to illustrate my point:

• "I feel like a tranny a lot of the time." - Blake to Allure magazine
• "I eat cupcakes and I don't work out ... I don't even drink water. It's terrible." - Blake to Us Weekly magazine
• "I've kissed just three people in my life, other than stuff I've done for TV or movies. I know, I'm weird. I hope Brad Pitt doesn't hear this. He's never going to want to marry me." - Blake to OK! magazine

I'm hoping she's kidding, but I'm sure she's not. Ryan likes his women smart and it's only a matter of time before he gets fed up with her stupidity. Could she be any more of a Serena?

4. Beauty fades
Ryan and Blake are just both too damn beautiful and are probably the most attractive people of their respective genders. In that regard, they deserve one another because beautiful people are beautiful and should have beautiful lives that are beautiful. However, like with most things in life, beauty fades. We already know Blake is no stranger to plastic surgery (see below), but there's only so much you can do to combat the work of time. And Ryan's got nine years on Blake, so it's only a matter of time before he stops oozing sex appeal.

Blake's nose job: from beak to chic.

5. It just can't work!
I simply will not stand for it! I cannot fathom a world in which these two live happily ever after. If I could rewrite this whole sitch, you bet your bottom dollar I would make Ryan single. Let's face it: he's quite the catch, but his appeal instantly went up when he cut loose the ol' ball and chain that is ScarJo. As for Blake, I'd get her back with Penn Badgley. #DanAndSerena4Ever