Tommy Picks 20 Things to Look Forward to in 2014

Happy New Year, everyone! As we herald in 2014, and hopefully get over everything that was wrong with last year, it's important that we embrace what lies ahead. After all, there's so much to look forward to in 2014, like...

1. Orange Is the New Black. Was last season's cliffhanger juicy or what?
2. Carrie Underwood's fifth album. There's no confirmation of a 2014 release, but the Queen of Country has said that her post-Sound of Music days will be devoted to working on new material.
3. The Hunger Games: Mocking Jay - Part I. Hopefully it continues the pattern and is even better than Catching Fire.
4. Possible reunions. The possibilities are endless and the rumors are rampant. I'd love to see fabulous reunions for Mean Girls, Desperate Housewives, Beverly Hills, 90210, and, of course, Friends.
5. Lea Michele's debut album.
6. Lana Del Rey's third album, UltraViolence.
7. Maleficent. It may star a former Cunt of the Week, and the trailer may have been disappointing, but everybody loves a Disney fairytale turned on its side!
8. Second rate Disney stars' return to music. 2013 was the year of Miley, Selena, and Demi. If rumors and vague statements are to be believed, 2014 may be the year of Ashley Tisdale and Hilary Duff.
9. Britney: Piece of Me. Vegas, here I come!
10. Noah. Even though I'm not really into Biblical stuff.
11. Darren Criss' debut album.
12. Girls. And Looking, which is touted as the Girls for gays.
13. The Amazing Spider-Man 2. Superhero films may bore me, but the first film in the Spider-Man reboot series was good enough to leave me wanting more. Plus I love me some Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone!
14. Pretty Little Liars. Now that we now EzrA's little secret, things are about to heat up!
15. The Muppets Most Wanted.
16. Seeing if the Superbowl is rescheduled because of snow.
17. Serena. This mysterious Depression-era film, which once again pairs Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence, has been quietly shelved many times, but will finally see its release this April. That doesn't bode well for its quality, but I'm still intrigued.
18. The inevitable break-up of One Direction's Zayn Malik and his fiancée Perrie Edwards. I will NOT let them get married.
19. Big Hero 6. It will be interesting to see how Disney animation handles superheroes.
20. Most importantly, all'a dis.

Tommy Picks 20 Things to Get Over for 2014

It's a well-known fact that I am against self-improvement, major lifestyle changes, and starting anew. But this is mostly for myself. For the greater good, I believe that we should greet the New Year without the cumbersome baggage of 2013. Here is a list of 20 things we just really need to get the fuck over before the ball drops.

1. The Power of Beyoncé. I thought it died down after the Superbowl, but leave it to this bitch to release an album out of fucking nowhere. I couldn't avoid her if I hid under a pile of rocks for all of time.
2. "The Fox". You know what? I don't give a shit what the fox says. It can shut the fuck up, and so can you.
3. The Voice. Everybody watches it, but my question is WHY?! None of the winners go on to be successful, so clearly people don't care enough about the acts. And the Adam/Christina banter can only do so much...
4. Boba. That shit is nastaaay! Also cancerous (although, what isn't?).
5. Gluten-free health shit.
6. Hatin' on Kimye. They may be ridiculous, but Kim and Kayne just had a baby. True, she indulges in the limelight and he talks out of his ass, but let's aim our hatred at celebrities who actually deserve it!
7. Pixar. Two summers in a row now, Pixar has failed me. Brave was a pile of duck shit and Monsters University was a major letdown. Meanwhile, Disney has been turning out fantastic movies like Frozen and gets nowhere near as much credit. Disney > Pixar, always.
8. The Jonas Brothers. I'm not exactly sure why the JoBros suddenly got a rise in popularity, but this is not 2007. Yes, they broke up, Nick got hot, and Joe tattled on his fellow Disney stars in a tell-all article, but this is the era of One Direction. Get outta here, JoBros!
9. "Omg Tom Daley is gay?!" Bitch, please. Like you did not see this one coming. And he's not gay, he's bi. We know this because he said he still "fancies" women, which made him sound really gay.
10. Miley Cyrus. As a former Bitch of the Week, Miley should be celebrated. But this obsession over her, positive or negative, is out of all fucking control.
11. Twerking. While we're on the topic of Miley, let's put to rest the issue of the dance move she sensationalized. Now that it's officially in the dictionary, don't you think we should just accept it and move past it?
12. Superhero spin-offs. I don't need 15 fucking movies with Robery Downey, Jr. as Ironman in it this year, thanks.
13. Florida. Damn, the sheer amount of bullshit that comes from that state is reason enough to annex the shit out of it. #tootles
14. Duck Dynasty. I struggle to find the appeal of this hick shit, but the more we discuss Phil Robertson's offensive remarks against the LGBT community, the more attention we bring to that fucking franchise! I am sorry, but I will NOT live in a country that takes pride in being gross. I just won't.
15. Long-ass movies. Films these days are unapologetically long; even the good ones could stand to trim a couple scenes. What's worse, if you wanna be up to speed with dem Oscar contendors, you lose like 45 hours of your damn life. Once a movie hits the two-hour mark, I better see some fucking credits roll.
16. Jelena. Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez are OVER. They are hopefully never (ever ever) getting back together. Let's stop linking every misdeed the Biebs does to his heartache. He is not pissing in a bucket because he misses his ex. He's just an asshole. Similarly, Selena did not just recently cancel the last leg of her tour to deal with the grief from a relationship that ended a year ago.
17. Game of Thrones. Honestly, let's move it along, people.
18. Lady Gaga. It's nice to see that the general public is starting to turn against her, but her 2013 was still far too successful for my liking.
19. That double standard. Why is it that when Zac Efron checks into rehab, he's commended for taking responsibility for his health, but when Selena Gomez was rumored to be checking in, people went ape shit and called her a train wreck? Just sayin'. #feminism
20. The sun. It was just too damn hot this year. That needs to not happen again. Thanks

Cheers! Here's to a better and brighter new year!

Tommy Picks the Best Albums of 2013

As we barrel into 2014, it's important to look back on the previous year before we close the book on 2013 forever. In the last twelve months, we've gotten some tantalizing music (#jamsfordays) and I took the time to rank the 10 Best Albums of 2013. Avid Tommy Time readers shouldn't be surprised by the rankings at all.

Click through the slideshow to see if your favorite made the cut!

Tommy Picks the Top 5 Disney Princesses

Disney's Frozen will hit theaters this holiday weekend, and its two protagonists, Anna and Elsa, will then be inducted into the over-exploited-yet-somehow-still-prestigious Disney Princess line. These bitches are gonna bring the total to 13 motherfucking princesses. Yeah, and in case you're wondering, Merida is in the fucking line-up.

Let's be honest. That shit is begging to be ranked. So, without further ado, here are Tommy Time's picks for the top 5 Disney Princesses.

5.  Cinderella

Even though people like to argue that personality didn't exist in a Disney princess pre-1989, Cinderella was being sassy as fuck way back in the 50s. Girlfriend did her chores, but always with a biting sass and defiance that just lit up the room. Not to mention she was always looking out for the underdog and talked smack behind everybody's back. Well done, C!

4. Ariel

Flippin' your fins might not get you that far, but it sure makes for a bitchin' good time! As fickle and gullible as she may be, she knows how to have a good time, seahorsin' around and shit. She's always dta (down to adventure) and she still manages to be somewhat fun in the sequel, even though she has Melody as a cunt of a daughter.

3. Tiana

Fuck southern hospitality! With Tiana, you'll get a cup of truth tea so hot it'll burn the roof of your mouth. Coming in at number 3 is the frog princess herself. Even though I totally objected to her amphibian form, Tiana is like the Belle 2.0, because she discovers the value of inner beauty and all that shit, but she neither willingly sell her freedom for men nor engages in bestiality.

2. Jasmine

While I struggle to relate to Jasmine's desire to be poor, I can definitely get on board with her sass. She walks around with her fucking pet tiger, totally owning her body like #whowantsit, but doesn't let men treat her like a prize to be won! On top of all that, she has a flying carpet and a genie at her disposal, so she can pretty much just do whatever the fuck she wants.

1. Aurora

Every modern-day feminist claims that Aurora is too passive, but let's be fucking real for a second. Aurora is the alpha bitch in terms of Disney characters. She's blonde, beautiful, and royal as fuck. But she also lived the first 16 years of her life in seclusion and poverty, meaning she's also humble. And can we just acknowledge that she nabbed the hottest prince and gets to spend all her time sleeping? Don't hate her cuz you ain't her, biiiitch.

And there you have it: the only ranking that matters. Here's hoping that Anna and Elsa give these girls a run for their money!

Throwback Thursday: Tommy Picks the Best of Britney, Part 3

Watch your finger, boy. You might get burned.

While I we eagerly await the commencement of Britney's new musical era, I'll continue to celebrate the Queen of Pop and all her glory. And what better way than to throw it back to her previous feats? You may recall that I previously selected her top ten singles, and then her top ten non-single songs. What more could I do, you ask?

Well, you're forgetting about the bonus tracks! Whether it's a deluxe edition or an international release, all of Britney's albums have additional songs that don't make the standard cut. It's criminal, really, because a lot of these songs are better than her biggest hits but go unnoticed by the masses. And this list will hopefully remedy that!

10. "Get Back"
"Catch me if you can, don't move too slow," Britney teases flawlessly as she slays your entire life. Continuing the amazingness that is Blackout, "Get Back" was only available on the Japanese edition of the album, and damn are they lucky, because this is a true smash. It's all about inviting a guy to the dance floor, but warning him that if he can't take the heat, he needa step the fuck off.

9. "Don't Hang Up"
One of several Britney songs about phone sex (yes, there are multiple), "Don't Hang Up" seems out of place on In the Zone upon first listen. It sounds sweet, like something Brit would've sang back in her pigtail days; it's not as overtly sexual as, say, "Breath On Me". But with lyrics like, "Pillow is all I have to hold... Without you, I still wanna take you there" and "Don't hang up 'til I'm finished with you," it's clear this international bonus track is naughtier than it lets on.

8. "Quicksand"
It almost sickens me to include this song on the list, as it was written by Lady Gaga. But "Quicksand" is a rare occasion when a post-breakdown Britney sings about emotion rather than sex. In the song, Britney vows to hold on to her significant other, even thought they're "sinking like quicksand." Holler to European iTunes users who were blessed with this song on their Circus downloads.

7. "Before the Goodbye"
Have you ever heard of a dance ballad? Me either, until Selena Gomez's "A Year Without Rain" was described as such. A dance ballad is exactly what it sounds like, and "Before the Goodbye", off of the Spain release of Britney, is the perfect example. Lyrically, the song is about an emotionally absent lover. Ignore the words and you have a fun dance beat perfect for the clubs!

6. "Selfish"
The deluxe edition of Femme Fatale was literally the best thing to happen to humanity in 2011. A jam-packed album extended by four new tracks? Fucking holler. On "Selfish", Britney makes her lover her bitch because tonight is all about her. "Boom boom, baby, pick you up in my Mercedes," she sings iconically and everybody who owns a Mercedes shits themselves with excitement.

5. "Walk On By"
Remember when Britney was still innocent enough to sing about angels? "Walk On By", taken from the UK special edition of Oops!... I Did It Again, is a little over the top, as Britney says her boy toy's face reminds her "of a higher place" and "angels cry" every time he walks on by, but just TRY to listen to this and not say, "Aww! Baby Britney!"

4. "Autumn Goodbye"
Anyone who says Britney can't sing needs to listen to songs like "Autumn Goodbye" and get a fucking reality check. True, Britney rarely pushes her vocal limits these days, but girlfriend was only 15 when she recorded this song, and that kind of talent never goes away. The ...Baby One More Time Japanese bonus track is all about the end of summer love, and it's definitely a highlight in Britney's career in my opinion.

3. "I Run Away"
This lists seems to suggest that Britney delegates heartbreak to foreign releases, and the trend continues with "I Run Away", an exclusive track from the Spain release of Britney. It's another dance ballad, but this time Britney sings about a lover who suddenly leaves her. "Let's pretend that I moved on/And I'll tell myself that life goes on without you," she cries. Whoever would break up with Britney is a fucking idiot.

2. "Amnesia"
Fans in the UK were treated to this Circus treat. "Amnesia" tells the story about a girl getting tongue-tied in the midst of a major hottie, and totally forgetting she's already taken. But she likes the new guy better, so she's just gonna tell her man "he should just effin' go." #PREACH Britney deserves nothing but the best.

1. "He About to Lose Me"
This Femme Fatale deluxe edition track continues the vague theme of adultery. Not only is "He About to Lose Me" one of my favorite songs on the album, but it's one of my favorite Britney songs period. It's all about flirting with the temptation to cheat on a withdrawn boyfriend. In this version, Britney chooses to remain faithful. #OnThatFidelityGrind

BAM! What a flawless list, tbqfh. I hope this list implores you to explore your favorite artist's catalog. You'd be amazed what songs are out there that you probably don't know about, and you might discover a new life jam.

But Britney > your fave. Sorry.

Throwback Thursday: Tommy Picks the Best of Glee, Season 3

Remember when the main cast had 400 people in it?

In the past few months, I've selected the best Glee performances of Seasons 1 and 2, and with the third season just around the corner, it's high time to continue the praise. The show's third season was more Broadway-heavy than its predecessors, but that doesn't mean there weren't some absolute jams. In fact, some of my favorite Glee songs come from this season. (The fact that Blaine sang like everything didn't hurt, either!) So let's delve into the Best of Glee, Season 3!



10. "Smooth Criminal" by Santana & Sebastian
After Madonna, Britney Spears, Rocky Horror Picture Show, and Fleetwood Mac got tribute episodes, it was only a matter of time that Michael Jackson would get his due. With an inflated number of musical performances (9 in just the one episode), the episode was sloppy and out of fucking control. But one thing did come out it. Santana had a sing-off with Warbler Sebastian and the result was a fantastic cover of my favorite MJ song, "Smooth Criminal".

9. "Fix You" by Will & the New Directions
Every time Glee touches Coldplay, it turns to gold. They tackled one of the band's biggest hits as Will proclaims hit love and devotion to Emma. And even though Mr. Schue barely gets to sing, he always hits it out of the park!

8. "Shake It Out" by Santana, Mercedes, & Tina
Because Glee doesn't like to leave any social issue untouched, they decided to incorporate domestic violence into a storyline. Coach Bieste, who is, to quote Gaston from Beauty and the Beast, roughly the size of a barge, is the victim of such abuse. Santana, Mercedes, and Tina figure that if they sing her a stripped down version of a Florence + the Machine song, everything will work out. The lesson is horrible, but the acoustic performance of "Shake It Out" is flawless.

7. "Cry" by Rachel
In Season 3, Rachel learned that she may not be as talented and confident as she thought after blowing her NYADA audition. To express her melancholy, Rachel sings a little known Kelly Clarkson song.

6. "Tongue Tied" by New Directions
One of the rare instances when the glee club doesn't perform a song onscreen, their rendition of "Tongue Tied" plays as the New Directions celebrate their win at Nationals. The song is perfect and features one of Cory Monteith's best vocal performances on the show.

5. "Roots Before Branches" by Rachel
Rachel solos are my absolute jam, so naturally I was pleased when Season 3 ended with one of Lea Michele's most powerful performances. After Finn breaks up with her for her own good, she bids Lima, Ohio goodbye and hops aboard a train to New York.

4. "Without You" by Rachel
Yup, another Rachel solo! Sorry about it, but this is absolutely flawless. David Guetta and Usher's "Without You" is already a jam, but take away the dance beat and let Lea Michele do her thing, and you have life.

3. "Rumour Has It/Someone Like You" by the Troubletones
Perhaps the biggest highlight of Season 3 was the storyline in which those members of New Directions who felt unappreciated split off and formed an all-girl rival club, the Troubletones. And who can forget their memorable mash-up of Adele's "Rumour Has It" and "Someone Like You"? Certainly not me.

2. "We Are Young" by New Directions
When the aforementioned Troubletones disbanded and rejoined the New Directions, they sang "We Are Young". Glee covered the song before the original version hit airwaves; in fact, Fun's version wouldn't have been successful if it weren't for this performance. What's more, Glee did it better.

1. "Cough Syrup" by Blaine
This is quite possibly my favorite Glee performance ever. Darren Criss' voice doesn't always hit its mark, but "Cough Syrup" is exemplary of just how good he can be. So just bask in all it's glory. (Fair warning: Blaine's performance is intercut with scenes a suicide attempt.)

The third season was hot mess, but it was filled with so many jams. I think this list accurately highlights the strongest performances. Stay tuned for the Best of Season 4 soon!

Tommy Picks the Most Frustrating Desperate Housewives Plot Holes

Scarlet fever.

Over a year after it aired its last episode, Desperate Housewives still remains one of my favorite shows of all time. With its dark humor, over-the-top drama, and never-ending army of bitches, I often felt that it was written specifically for me. But for all its glory, the show was not without its problems. The writers never seemed to shy away from rewriting history or just flat out contradicting themselves. Here are some of the more frustrating plot holes I've noticed.

Age is just a number

Desperate Housewives is far from the only show to screw up the ages of its characters; in fact, unless the main characters are in school, you can almost count on show writers to whimsically tack on or chop off a few years on a previously established age. This was a common occurrence on Wisteria Lane, especially once the five-year jump was added into the mix.

Perhaps the most egregious age-related error is that although MJ is born first, Juanita is eventually stated as being older than him. (Maybe the writers thought it was preposterous that a girl who looked 12 was supposed to be playing a 4 year old.)

The curious case of Orson Hodge

Season 3 presented fans with one of the best mysteries on the show: what happened to Alma Hodge, what happened to that whore Monique, and how are the two related? At the center of this chaos was Orson Hodge, Bree's new husband. Eventually, we learned that Alma, his wife, faked her own disappearance to punish him for his affair with Monique. But there was one problem.

When Orson was introduced at the end of Season 2, he was visiting a mute woman in a mental hospital, where Bree happened to have checked in. Originally, the plan was to have Orson and the mysterious women be con artists, but this was scrapped in favor for the Alma storyline. BUT THEY NEVER EXPLAINED WHO THE WOMAN IN THE HOSPITAL WAS. They never even mentioned her. It's an end that it far too loose for my liking.

While we're on the topic of Orson, let's discuss his apparent undiagnosed bipolar disorder. I swear, at the beginning of every season, the writers must have asked themselves, "Will Orson be good or evil this season?" He went from a suspected murderer (Season 3), to a devoted husband (Season 4), to a jealous klepto (Season 5), to a blackmailer (Season 6), to a respectful ex (Season 7),  to a manipulative killer (Season 8). It was all too exhausting.

Oh Tom Scavo, what did you do?

Betrayal is second nature to the residents of Wisteria Lane, so even Tom and Lynette's strong, grounded marriage wasn't safe. In Season 1, the couple learns that Tom's father is having an affair. Lynette warns Tom that if he ever cheated on her, she wouldn't be as forgiving as his mother was. This prompts Tom to confide in his father about something bad that he did.

But we never learn what that bad thing was. The behind-the-scenes story is that Tom was going to have an affair until the writers decided that the show needed at one stable marriage. Fans have tried to retcon the plot hole by saying that Tom's secret was that he hired his ex-girlfriend or had a secret kid, but I'd like to think he was referring to his fling with Lynette's best college gal pal, Renee, which was revealed in Season 7. All I can say is that I'm glad these two ended up together.

Don't call my name, don't call my name, Alejandro!

Season 8 was the perfect way to conclude the series. Instead of the housewives piecing together information about a mysterious new neighbor, they banded together to cover up the accidental death of Alejandro, Gabrielle's abusive ex-stepfather. It was such an intriguing storyline, but one riddled with plot holes. First, there's the fact that early on in the season, the women learn that a missing persons report has been filed for Alejandro; however, when Susan visits his wife and daughter, they don't seem too concerned that he's gone, as he leaves for extended periods of time. #FatherOfTheYear

Taking a stroll down memory lane

Critical moments in the lives of our favorite housewives are revisited time and time again through flashbacks, and while they may not always contradict one another, these retellings certainly don't solidify a clear sense of continuity. Here are just a few:

• How many different ways did Susan discover that Karl was cheating on her? There's the version where she finds lipstick on his collar, or another time when she discovers his mistress' bra in his glove box. In one version, Edie tips her off; in another, Karl comes clean himself. Sometimes Susan kicks him out and sometimes he leaves on his own accord.
• We've seen Gabrielle move into her house a million different ways, and each time she has a different attitude, a different "first encounter" with the other housewives, and a different hairstyle.
• Mary Alice's suicide has been covered in great detail, and as the most pivotal moment in the entire series, you'd think they would pay careful attention when dealing with it. But that is not so, as whenever a character needed more depth, the writers would pretend like he or she had spoken to Mary Alice just prior to her pulling the trigger (see: Lynette, Eli the handyman, etc.). I mean, my lord, you'd think the whole damn neighborhood stopped by that day.

Ah, so many problems. And this is only the tip of the iceberg! As a DH addict, inconsistencies like these used to make me bonkers. But having a year to get over it, I realize that not only does every show have gaping plot holes, but that they shouldn't take away from the brilliance of the show.

RIP Cory Monteith

It's always sad when people pass away before their time, and Cory Monteith is no exception. The Glee star, who has struggled with drug addiction since age 13, was found dead in his Vancouver hotel room July 13 at age 31. As a proud gleek since day one, I wanted to express my condolences the only way I know how.

Though Cory originally auditioned for Glee by playing the drums rather than singing, because he didn't think he was any good, his performances as the adorkable Finn Hudson have been some of the show's best. Here are my picks for the top songs Cory performed throughout his four years on the show.

"I'll Stand by You"

"Hello, I Love You"

"Jessie's Girl"

"Losing My Religion"

"She's Not There"

"Girls Just Wanna Have Fun"

"Tongue Tied"

"Don't Dream It's Over"

My prayers are with Cory's loved ones!

Throwback Thursday: Tommy Picks the Best of Carrie Underwood

America's Sweetheart.

This blog definitely has a Britney Spearsian slant when it comes to music, but she's not the only singer who has captured my soul with her sweet tunes. Carrie Underwood, the very Queen of Country, is second in my heart. To pay tribute, let's throw it back to the best singles Carrie has released in the past 8 years since winning the American Idol title.
10. "Two Black Cadillacs"
Though I've already established that Carrie and Taylor Swift are nothing alike, comparisons continue. But while Taylor continues singing about her first kiss, Carrie is tackling darker and edgier topics. In "Two Black Cadillacs", two women plot to kill the man who wrong them both. The Stephen King inspired music video takes it to a whole different level.

9. "Good Girl"
Calling out bad boys for the dogs they are is one of Carrie's favorite musical themes. On "Good Girl", she warns a hopeless romantic about dating one of these guys. The song is one of Carrie's most successful, and for good reason. She sounds better than ever! "He's no good, girl/No good for you..."

8. "Wasted"
"Wasted" opens Carrie's first album, Some Hearts, and it's the perfect tune to set her recording career in motion. The song focuses on a couple and their addictions, his to the bottle and hers to love. It's a dark narrative, like so many of Carrie's songs. The only thing that would make it better if it were autobiographical!

7. "I'll Stand by You"
Back in its heyday, American Idol could do no wrong. So when it began its annual "Idol Gives Back", a show that features special guest performances to raise money to combat poverty both domestically and abroad, it was all the rage. Back in 2007, Carrie graced the Idol stage once more with her cover of the Pretenders' "I'll Stand by You". The song was only available on iTunes for a short period of time, and all profits went to charity, but it remains one of Carrie's best-performing songs to date. (And it has a super cute and sad music video!)

6. "Just a Dream"
"Just a Dream" is to Carrie what "Everytime" is to Britney. This is easily Carrie's most haunting songs, one in which we're led to believe that the protagonist is getting ready for her wedding, but she's actually on her way to her fiance's funeral. Isn't that sad?! (Fun fact: In high school, I used this song for a project about death, and my teacher laughed.)

5. "See You Again"
Body counts are high in Carrie's song catalog, and "See You Again" is no exception! In the song, Carrie sings to dearly departed one, and longs for the moment when they are reunited in heaven. It's a refreshingly optimistic outlook on tragedy: "I will see you again/This is not where it ends/I will carry you with me/Until I see you again." This jam was one of three songs Carrie penned in 2010 for The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader; "There's a Place for Us" was chosen for the film instead, and "See You Again" ended up on Carrie's fourth album Blown Away.

4. "I Told You So"
As she proved week after week during her time on American Idol, Carrie can take a song and make it her own. When she recorded Randy Travis' "I Told You So" for her second album, it was obviously much better than the washed-up alcoholic's rendition. And though they eventually recorded a duet, Carrie's solo version is better. And the chart numbers back it up. Carrie's reached #9 in the US; Randy's never charted.

3. "Cowboy Casanova"
The superior predecessor to "Good Girl", "Cowboy Casanova" is all about calling out a cheater on his philandering bullshit! And although cowboy is just part of the country music vernacular, the song was released soon after Carrie's split from Dallas Cowboy Tony Romo. She's since denied that he inspired the song, but one does have to wonder if Tony's the snake with blue eyes leaning up against the record machine...

2. "Blown Away"
This is perhaps Carrie's darkest songs, so it's no wonder it placed so highly on this countdown. "Blown Away" tells the story of a girl and her abusive father. When a tornado comes swirling their way, she locks herself in the cellar and leaves her father to die. "Some called it taking shelter, but she called it sweet revenge." That's amazing. And the video is equally fantastic, with Carrie's sub-par acting ability coupled with some Wizard of Oz imagery.

1. "Before He Cheats"
Ah, the song that started it all. Although not her first single, "Before He Cheats" solidified Carrie as a tent pole in country music and a viable pop music crossover act. Not only that, but it's also the most successful song by an American Idol alum ever. #TakeThatKelly! Not bad for a song about keying your boyfriend's car that references a "white trash version of Shania karaoke!"

Phew! That wasn't easy, but I was totally up for the challenge. I hope Carrie fans are pleased with my selections (I don't know why you wouldn't be!), and if you don't know much about Carrie's music, it's high time to get familiar because you're doing everything wrong.

Tommy Picks the Best Songs by Former Cunts of the Week

Cunts as far as the eye can see.

While it would take an act of God for a Cunt of the Week to lose his or her title, I do recognize that it's a dubious term. Public figures (or those in your own lives!) can be such cunts but also contribute something amazing to society. And ain't that just life? Well, it's certainly not shocking that almost half of the former Cunts of the Week are from the music industry. (They can't all be Britneys, after all.) To prove the point I stated earlier, I am going to select the best jams by these musical cunts, because who am I to deny that Lady Gaga has a catchy song or two? Let's go!

Rihanna (Officially knighted cunted on September 26, 2012)

• "What's My Name?" ... I'm not sure what it is about this song, but I love it. I think it may have something to do with the fact that it was released back when my intense hatred for RiRi was a subdued intolerance. I also have a soft spot for Drake. And even though the repetitive lyrics of "Oh na na, what's my name?" get irritating (YOU'RE NAME IS FUCKING RIHANNA), this song is a jam.
• "Te Amo" ... After the whole Chris Brown beat down, Rihanna released some pretty dark tunes, including this one, in which she's the object of another woman's affections. It's a fun song with a pretty interesting message. (You might not be able to discern what that message is, however; Rihanna's Barbadian accent is on full blast here.)
• "S&M" ... It may be controversial, with an MTV-banned music video to boot, but this song is a pure and utter jam. The true party, however, started when Britney laid down some Rugrat-style vocals for the remix.

Taylor Swift (Cunted on October 10, 2012)

•  "Begin Again" ... God only knows which one of Taylor's fucks this song is about, but whoever it is, kudos to him for inspiring something good out of her for a change! The song is catchy and well-written. Best of all, it's about thinking love is a crock and then realizing that's not true once the next guy comes around; this is quite possibly her most autobiographical song to date.
• "Enchanted" ... In 2010, Taylor thought she could get away with releasing songs that clocked in around 6-7 minutes. Um, no. But one good jam came out of that batch of overinflated songs, and that's "Enchanted", which manages to both embody everything that's annoying about Tswift and somehow make it all less annoying.
• "Eyes Open" ... Why Taylor was the only artist on The Hunger Games soundtrack to get TWO songs, I'm not sure, but at least one of those songs is good, and that's this one!

Christina Aguilera (Cunted on November 28, 2012)

• "Woohoo" ... Any song that uses thin censorship while referring to genitalia instantly captures my attention. Just try and listen to this song without the lyrics "Licky licky, yum yum, what a great guy/K-kiss on my woohoo!/All over my woohoo!" getting stuck in your head! And when Nicki Minaj comes in with that rap! Ooh child!
• "Reflection" ... While Britney totally came out on top of her alleged feud with Xtina, both have a good number of 90s jams in their catalogs. The pinnacle of Christina's early career off of the Mulan soundtrack, and thereafter inspired many a school talent show performance.
• "Your Body" ... As a former Jam of the Week, this doesn't need an explanation.

Aly & AJ (Cunted on January 16, 2013)

• "Potential Break-Up Song" ... Their album needs just one, after all. While recording this jam, Aly & AJ must have finally realized that they weren't serious musicians and had a contract with fucking Disney Channel, because they abandoned their angsty acoustic crap for some autotuned dance floor BLISS. 
• "Rush" ... A lamer predecessor to Katy Perry's "Firework", "Rush" is all about not letting the haters get you down... And possibly a drug-induced rush. I'll leave it open for interpretation.
• "On the Ride" ... When I was younger, I honestly thought this was the best song on the planet. I'm pretty sure the thought, "Maybe this will win a Grammy," went through my head. My God. Thankfully that didn't happen. But it's still a fun song!

Justin Bieber (Cunted on February 6, 2013)

• "As Long As You Love Me" ... Although I was initially disappointed that this wasn't a Backstreet Boys cover, I grew to love this song. It's the first one that made me realize that maybe the Biebs had something worthwhile to listen to.
• "Beauty and a Beat" ... A former Jam of the Week with the poetic beauty of a wiener/Selena rhyme that more than explains why it's on this list.  #RIPJelena #AreTheyBackTogether? #LostAllTrack
•  "Overboard" ... So I'm not exactly sure what purpose this song serves, as a studio version has never been released, and we must make do with a live recording. But the fact that this a DUET WITH MILEY CYRUS makes it worth copious amounts of listens.

Beyoncé (Cunted on February 13, 2013)

•  "Irreplaceable" ... Who doesn't love this song? To the left, to the left. Mm, you tell him, girl! I'm not sure why she ever went on to record a Spanish version of the song, but the fact that she did just cements its universal popularity.
• "Halo" ... While Bey is far from an angel, this song is sweet and catchy. And remember when Glee mashed it up with "Walking on Sunshine"? Genius!
• "Check On It" ... Anybody who saw The Pink Panther knows what's up here. This was one of the first songs I ever put on my iPod, so it holds sentimental and nostalgic value for me.

Chris Brown (Cunted on March 27, 2013)

• "With You" ... Before he was a woman-beater who went on Twitter rants, assaulted the paparazzi, and threw television sets out of windows, Chris Brown was adorable and sweet, and "Forever" proves it. (And cue teenage girls who say things like "chris brown is so hawt i'd let him beat on me"... now.)
• "Look at Me Now" ... This song was shocking when it first came out. Chris Brown raps? Well, he does it well, or at least fast, here and I find it all very exciting!
• "Forever"... Vintage Breezy is the best, as far as he's concerned at least. I like to listen to this song while chewing Doublemint gum.

Lady Gaga (Cunted on April 17, 2013)

•  "The Edge of Glory" ... When Lady Gagme isn't trying to shove a rainbow flag down my throat whilst sporting an unflattering dress made of Kermit the Frog dolls, I can sort of see why people like her. "The Edge of Glory" is a fun and, dare I say, epic jam.
• "Paparazzi" ... The only thing better than this song is its music video, which features Alexander Skarsgard mmm.
• "Dance in the Dark" ... Always the champion for the underdog, Lady Gaga sings about self-conscious girls who like to have sex with the lights off. It's an interesting topic, one that I'm glad she explored, because the result was an irresistable jam.

The Pussycat Dolls (Cunted on May 8, 2013)

• "Jai Ho! (You Are My Destinty)" ... I've never seen Slumdog Millionaire, but I know that this song is originally from the film. Nevertheless, the Pussycat Dolls' version is so flawless that I'm sure it's better than the movie's.
• "I Hate This Part" ... One of my favorite musical themes is one in which the singer can sense the end of a relationship coming and go into denial. That's exactly what happens in this song and it's fucking genius. Stay pressed that this isn't your song.
• "Don't Cha" ... Who would I even be if I didn't include this song? It put the girl group on the map and has one of the most irresistible hooks of the 21st century: "Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me/Don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me." Classic.

And there you have it: proof that even the worst of cunts *coughcough*Rihanna*cough* can produce some thrilling songs. So don't be surprised if you see some of these singers' work as a Jam of the Week in the future!

Tommy Picks 7 Women Who Should've Been Desperate Housewives

Who should join the ranks?

Nearly a year has passed since Desperate Housewives went off the air and we were forced to say goodbye to Wisteria Lane forever. Susan, Lynette, Bree, and Gabrielle brought plenty of laughs and dramz to the neighborhood for eight seasons, but there was always a revolving door of fifth housewives. And while Edie, Katherine, and the like were great supporting housewives, I always thought there were some missed opportunities for some of television's soapiest, bitchiest women to strut their stuff on Wisteria Lane. Let's discuss this, shall we?

Susan Lucci

• Known for: Her long stint as Erica Kane on All My Children, a character TV Guide named the most famous in soap opera history.
• What she did instead: Spent 31 years on All My Children.
• Ideal role: An actress past her prime who returns to her roots in Fairview.

Heather Locklear

• Known for: Her critically acclaimed performance of the devious Amanda Woodward on Melrose Place, which also starred Marcia Cross (Bree) and Doug Savant (Tom).
• What she did instead: Co-starred in a Hilary Duff movie and generally became a boozy, pill-popping hot mess.
• Ideal role: Karl Mayer's new wife. The couple moves to the Lane and she becomes one of the girls, despite initial tension with Susan.
• Bonus: Heather was originally under consideration for the role of Susan.

Brooke Shields

• Known for: Sort of being an actress and having a weird-ass friendship with Michael Jackson.
• What she did instead: Starred in Lipstick Jungle and played Hannah Montana's dead mom in a few episodes of the Disney sitcom.
• Ideal role: Bob and Lee's trashy live-in surrogate.

Lucy Liu

• Known for: Her role as the ill-tempered Ling Woo on Ally McBeal.
• What she did instead: Flopped around from show to show and lent her voice to the Tinkerbell movies.
• Ideal role: Wisteria Lane's only Asian housewife whose family is at the center of the show's yearly mystery.

Jennie Garth

• Known for: Bitching it up for ten years as Kelly Taylor on Beverly Hills, 90210.
• What she did instead: Starred in What I Like About You, reprised her famous role for the 90210 reboot, and appeared in a Lifetime movie about AIDS.
• Ideal role: An uptight soccer mom who manages to make enemies with all of the women.

Laura Leighton

• Known for: Her memorable portrayal of brat-turned-vixen Sydney Andrews on both Melrose Place series.
• What she did instead: Played a mom on Pretty Little Liars.
• Ideal role: Bree's sister who moves to the hood and brings with her a dark secret about their family.
• Bonus: Laura is married to Doug Savant in real life, so it would've been an MP/real-life family reunion.

Betty White

• Known for: Being a television legend (The Mary Tyler Moore Show, Golden Girls) and an all-around bitchin' old lady.
• What she did instead: What didn't she do?
• Ideal role: Mrs. McCluskey's mother, the only woman who could out-sass her daughter.
• Bonus: Desperate Housewives creator Marc Cherry was a writer and producer on Golden Girls.

Throwback Thursday: Tommy Picks the Best of Glee, Season 2

It was all downhill from here.

Two months ago, I compiled a list of the top ten performances from the first season of Glee and expressed my sadness over its decline in quality. Season 2, while still miles ahead of what has since followed, marked the beginning of the end of Glee in terms of story quality. However, in my opinion, the season had the best music thus far. And Darren Criss, the best thing to happen to the show and life in general, joined the series this season as Blaine. So, yeah. Like a million bonus points. Let's see what made the cut in the Best of Glee, Season 2.

10. "Dog Days Are Over" by Tina, Mercedes, and the New Directions
Normally I run for the hills when I hear Tina is getting a solo or any unwarranted screen time. But I had nothing but love for her when she and Mercedes covered Florence + The Machine's "Dog Days Are Over". It's quite thematic for the band of underdogs, and it's more than appropriate that the two soloists are the group's unsung heroes.

9. "What I Did For Love" by Rachel
It's no secret I love me a dramatic Rachel duet. So fucking holler from left to right with "What I Did For Love", originally from the musical A Chorus Line.

8. "Friday" by Artie, Sam, and Puck
Leave it to Glee to take one of the worst songs that has ever been written and turn it into something great. Rebecca Black who?

7. "Forget You" by Holly
I'm usually not one for censored songs or Gwyneth Paltrow, but for whatever reason, both worked here. Substitute teacher Holly Holiday (Paltrow) shows the kids that glee club should be fun with her family-friendly rendition of Cee Lo Green's "Fuck You".

6. "Thriller/Heads Will Roll" by the New Directions
I think everybody on the planet cringed when they heard Glee would be tackling Michael Jackson's biggest hit. They threw up upon learning that it would be mashed-up with a relatively unknown song by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. But never underestimate the New Directions, because they proved nay-sayers wrong in one of their best performances of the season.

5. "Take Me or Leave Me" by Rachel and Mercedes
Mm, holler. If you know anything about me or this blog, you know that diva-offs are like CRACK. So when Rachel and Mercedes decided to settle their rivalry by singing Rent's "Take Me or Leave Me", the result was pure ecstacy.

4. "I Feel Pretty/Unpretty" by Rachel and Quinn
Quinn went the entire second season without a single solo. The closest she came was a duet with Rachel, but it was sure worth it. When Rachel contemplates getting a nose job, she asks Quinn to be model for her ideal look. And then they sang a sweet West Side Story/TLC mash-up that remains one of my favorites from the show overall.

3. "Toxic" by the New Directions
We all know I wasn't too receptive of either of Glee's tribute episodes to the great Britney Spears, but the one thing they didn't totally fuck up was their inventive arrangement of "Toxic". This is a must-hear if you're unfamiliar with it!

2. "Teenage Dream" by Blaine
There isn't a single thing about this that isn't FLAWLESS. I fucking love Blaine, I love Darren Criss, and I love Katy Perry, so this was orgasmic to me, and many others, I'm sure.

1. "Loser Like Me" by New Directions
The second season of Glee is so far the only one to feature original music. Most of these songs were either jokes ("Trouty Mouth") or throwaways ("Pretending"). But "Loser Like Me" does more than enough to prove how fun original songs can be. With themes of fighting for the underdog, this song is basically the anthem of the show and is super fun. It just had to be number one.

Musically, Glee was at its best in the second season, which made this list especially hard to compile; however, I'm fairly confident in my selections. Stay tuned for Season 3 some time down the line!