Tommy Picks 20 Things to Get Over for 2014

It's a well-known fact that I am against self-improvement, major lifestyle changes, and starting anew. But this is mostly for myself. For the greater good, I believe that we should greet the New Year without the cumbersome baggage of 2013. Here is a list of 20 things we just really need to get the fuck over before the ball drops.

1. The Power of Beyoncé. I thought it died down after the Superbowl, but leave it to this bitch to release an album out of fucking nowhere. I couldn't avoid her if I hid under a pile of rocks for all of time.
2. "The Fox". You know what? I don't give a shit what the fox says. It can shut the fuck up, and so can you.
3. The Voice. Everybody watches it, but my question is WHY?! None of the winners go on to be successful, so clearly people don't care enough about the acts. And the Adam/Christina banter can only do so much...
4. Boba. That shit is nastaaay! Also cancerous (although, what isn't?).
5. Gluten-free health shit.
6. Hatin' on Kimye. They may be ridiculous, but Kim and Kayne just had a baby. True, she indulges in the limelight and he talks out of his ass, but let's aim our hatred at celebrities who actually deserve it!
7. Pixar. Two summers in a row now, Pixar has failed me. Brave was a pile of duck shit and Monsters University was a major letdown. Meanwhile, Disney has been turning out fantastic movies like Frozen and gets nowhere near as much credit. Disney > Pixar, always.
8. The Jonas Brothers. I'm not exactly sure why the JoBros suddenly got a rise in popularity, but this is not 2007. Yes, they broke up, Nick got hot, and Joe tattled on his fellow Disney stars in a tell-all article, but this is the era of One Direction. Get outta here, JoBros!
9. "Omg Tom Daley is gay?!" Bitch, please. Like you did not see this one coming. And he's not gay, he's bi. We know this because he said he still "fancies" women, which made him sound really gay.
10. Miley Cyrus. As a former Bitch of the Week, Miley should be celebrated. But this obsession over her, positive or negative, is out of all fucking control.
11. Twerking. While we're on the topic of Miley, let's put to rest the issue of the dance move she sensationalized. Now that it's officially in the dictionary, don't you think we should just accept it and move past it?
12. Superhero spin-offs. I don't need 15 fucking movies with Robery Downey, Jr. as Ironman in it this year, thanks.
13. Florida. Damn, the sheer amount of bullshit that comes from that state is reason enough to annex the shit out of it. #tootles
14. Duck Dynasty. I struggle to find the appeal of this hick shit, but the more we discuss Phil Robertson's offensive remarks against the LGBT community, the more attention we bring to that fucking franchise! I am sorry, but I will NOT live in a country that takes pride in being gross. I just won't.
15. Long-ass movies. Films these days are unapologetically long; even the good ones could stand to trim a couple scenes. What's worse, if you wanna be up to speed with dem Oscar contendors, you lose like 45 hours of your damn life. Once a movie hits the two-hour mark, I better see some fucking credits roll.
16. Jelena. Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez are OVER. They are hopefully never (ever ever) getting back together. Let's stop linking every misdeed the Biebs does to his heartache. He is not pissing in a bucket because he misses his ex. He's just an asshole. Similarly, Selena did not just recently cancel the last leg of her tour to deal with the grief from a relationship that ended a year ago.
17. Game of Thrones. Honestly, let's move it along, people.
18. Lady Gaga. It's nice to see that the general public is starting to turn against her, but her 2013 was still far too successful for my liking.
19. That double standard. Why is it that when Zac Efron checks into rehab, he's commended for taking responsibility for his health, but when Selena Gomez was rumored to be checking in, people went ape shit and called her a train wreck? Just sayin'. #feminism
20. The sun. It was just too damn hot this year. That needs to not happen again. Thanks

Cheers! Here's to a better and brighter new year!

Jam of the Week: "Pom Poms" by the Jonas Brothers (No, This Is Not an April Fools Joke)

This Jam of the Week celebrates the highly-anticipated reunion of the Jonas Brothers, who have not released new music together since 2009. "Pom Poms" is the group's first single free from Disney's reigns, so it's appropriately a little more sexual. With lyrics like "I love it when your hands are free/Baby, put your pom poms down for me," it's a little too steamy for the JoBros. Tone it down thaaanks.

It's still a jam, though. So enjoy!

This or That: Selena Gomez vs. Demi Lovato

Only one will be laughing in the end.

For about two solid years, Selena Gomez and Demi Lovato were the reigning teen queens of Disney Channel. Miley Cyrus was already making deals with the devil, so the position of Alpha Bitch at the Mouse House was wide open. For a while Semi, biffles since they met on the set of Barney & Friends, shared the title. But as time went on and the girls grew apart, it was clear, perhaps only to me, that there could only be one victor. Who will it be? Let's find out with Tommy Time's This or That.

Acting careers
I've already established that both Demi and Selena got their starts as toddlers on Barney & Friends, which I've never seen, but I imagine to be the poor man's Mickey Mouse Club. It took a while for either to achieve their Disney-level fame. Selena's turn came first in 2007. After guest starring in a few of the channel's most popular shows and landing roles in a couple of pilots that ultimately weren't picked up, Selena landed her breakout role in Wizards of Waverly Place. The popularity of the show led to a steady line of work for Selena and eventually a few starring roles in feature films. While some of these films are the devil's pornography, there's no denying Selena is successful. Additionally, while pigs will fly in the frozen tundra that is Hell before she gets an Academy Award, Selena is considerably more talented than most of her Disney peers.

Demi, on the other hand, would be nothing without Selena. Did you know that after Selena found herself in Disney executives' good favor, she asked them to consider hiring Demi? Yup, that's right. I imagine the first thing the big boss told Demi was to fix the gap between her two front teeth. In the meantime, they stuck her on that shitty two-minute long show As the Bell Rings. Luckily for Demi, however, she soon found herself in the lead roles of the TV musical movie Camp Rock and her very own show Sonny With a Chance. Although she would go on to star in Camp Rock 2 and Princess Protection Program (alongside Selena), Demi's acting career would never see the light of day outside the Mouse House. And that's probably a good thing, because she fucking sucked. This round goes to Selena!

Music careers
In accordance with Disney law, Demi and Selena launched recording careers. Demi is clearly the more talented vocalist and is a favorite among critics, who compare her to Kelly Clarkson and Christina Aguilera like there's no tomorrow. However, Selena is the more successful artist. She has sold almost over one million more albums than Demi and has enjoyed mainstream radio airplay since her second single, "Naturally", in 2010; it wasn't until 2012's "Give Your Heart a Break" that Demi finally broke the barrier from Radio Disney and entered the real world. So one has the talent, the other has the success. This round is a draw!

Personal lives
I've already assessed Demi Lovato's personal life once before, but allow me to recap. Bitch dated Joe Jonas, went fucking cray on cocaine, punched her back-up dancer, and went to rehab for an eating disorder, suicidal tendencies, and other such issues. She's currently rumored to be engaging in an on/off relationship with That 70's Show star Wilmer Valderrama, who may be a catch, but he's 13 years her senior. Gross!

Selena's personal life is drug-free, as far as we know. However, she gets major fines for being best friends with Taylor Swift, as well as for her dating history, which includes Nick Jonas, Taylor Lautner, and of course, Justin Bieber. I've lost a lot of respect for Selena in these past two years. This round is a draw, and not in a good way.

The Feud: Who was right and who was wrong?
It's no secret that Demi and Selena are no longer the best friends they used to be. Rumor has it that when Demi was circling the drain, Selena did her best to reach out but eventually gave up. As Selena grew closer to Taylor Swift, Demi grew closer to Miley, who had publicly made fun of Demi's gap-toothed smile only a year prior. Demi was so fucking pressed about Saylor's friendship that when a fan asked her how Selena was, she passive aggressively replied, "Ask Taylor." According to Demi, she and Selena hadn't spoken "in a while" until S reached out to her when she went to rehab. So Selena is obviously the better friend. This round goes to Selena.

Lightning round!

• Demi's first album was written and produced almost exclusively by the Jonas Brothers. Only a fool would put their musical debut in the hands of a mediocre-at-best boy band. Point for Selena!
• Selena was so insistent on not being a solo artist that she and Disney came up with a compromise: she could have a band so long as it was named after her. Thus, Selena Gomez & The Scene was born. However, as Selena transitioned from pop-rock to dance music, her band members became nothing but stage props. Now, for her fourth album, Selena will be completely Scene-less. All that arguing with the label for nothing. Point for Demi!
• Selena talks about how much she looks up to Britney Spears, but only Demi got to work with her on The X Factor. Point for Demi!
• Demi recorded "Skyscraper", a horrific song about her struggles that she had no hand in writing. Point for Selena!

Well, it would appear that the points are weighted very much in Selena's favor. Can you really say you're surprised? Demi might have the voice, but Selena has pretty much everything else. Congratulations, Selena! I love you like a love song.

Demi Lovato: Not a Cunt, Not Yet a Bitch

Demi desperately trying to be Miley.

Ever since the advent of Tommy Time's Bitch and Cunt of the Week, I've struggled to determine which title was best suited for Disney darling Demi Lovato. Not matter how much time I spend assessing the situation, I reach only one conclusion: Demi doesn't belong in either category; rather, she exists, quite possibly alone, in an in-between state. This post will explain why.

The story of how Demi rose to fame is nothing special. After Hilary Duff showed Disney Channel they could turn mediocre-at-best child actors into mediocre-at-best singers, the company began looking for anyone they could turn into a million-dollar brand. Existing assets like Raven were immediately put on the fast track for (often ill-fated) music careers. New stars were introduced in music-oriented programing, like Miley Cyrus in Hannah Montana, so the transition from actress to pop star would be seamless.

Everything people hate about Disney Channel.

So when Demi found herself cast in Camp Rock in 2008, she was clearly just another lucky victim of the Disney machine. At first, she was harmless. Sure, Camp Rock would never be as good as High School Musical, and Demi had some fugly ass bangs. But she would never be as bad as Miley, who was starting to shred her kid-friendly image one scandalous photo at a time, right?

For a while, it seemed that way. Demi was fortunate enough to have gotten "in" with the Jonas Brothers. (For whatever reason, in a pre-Bieber world, the girlfriends of teen heartthrobs were embraced by the fans, not threatened.) She was also biffles with fellow Disney starlet and Miley antithesis Selena Gomez, a friendship that culminated in the television movie Princess Protection Program. (Yes, it was as bad as it sounds.) At this time, Demi was still no where near cool enough to be a bitch, but was by no means a cunt.

Then came the pictures. Demi got her first taste of scandal when the tabloids went nuts over red carpet photos of the young starlet with what looked like scars on her wrists. Don't get me wrong; self-harming tendencies are seriously sad and by no means make her a cunt. However, when she blamed the scars on candy bracelets, I was starting to get over it. If you're going to lie about it, let's make it a little more believable. Last time I checked, candy bracelets don't draw blood.

One of the few times the Golden Trio was ever together.

Not too long after, Demi and Selena had a falling out. While Demi was partying hard with her Camp Rock 2 costars, Selena was slowly gaining fame outside of the Mouse House through her friendship with Taylor Swift and alleged romance with Taylor Lautner. The two were no longer seeing eye to eye, and Demi was clearly on a downward spiral of self-harm and self-indulgence.

In 2010, she reached rock bottom when she pulled out of a joint concert tour with the Jonas Brothers and entered a rehab facility for undisclosed physical and emotional issues. As you all know, word soon got out that Demi was indeed cutting herself, and that she also suffered from an eating disorder. She was released four months later. She used her experiences for good and spoke out against the bullying that caused the majority of her pain, which is commendable. The media celebrated her recovery, as they should.

However, what people fail to remember is that Demi was not only getting treated for bulimia and cutting, but also for a cocaine addiction. In fact, the only reason she went to rehab is because her back-up dancer reported Demi's little drug habit to their tour manager. When Demi responded by punching the dancer in the face, her people decided it was high time she got some help. I'm glad Demi is turning her darkest days into something positive, but it always pissed me off that everything else was swept under the rug. She was a victim, for sure, but she also had some 'splaining to do. #IMeanAmIRightOrAmIRight

Since then, however, Demi has really pulled a 180. Is there anyone who wouldn't agree that "Give Your Heart a Break" is a jam? She also proved to be a sassy, passionate, and insightful judge on The X Factor, and even conceded on more than one occasion that fellow judge Britney Spears was her superior. Clearly, she got her shit together.

In conclusion, Demi has had a checkered past. Despite the fact that she could sing circles around Miley or Selena, I've always found her less interesting. And after her monumental personal problems, I'll admit I didn't like her that much at all. #RihannaSyndrome But she's made it really hard to hate her in the past year, and I've definitely become a fan. However, she still lacks the badassness required to be Bitch of the Week. Maybe in the future she'll find herself on that prestigious list. Until then, this will have to do.

Throwback Thursday: Tommy Picks the Best Songs by Disney Channel Stars

Honestly, so true. But where's Christy Carlson Romano?

It's no secret that I have a weakness for Disney Channel stars. There's nothing I like more than a celebrity whose acting is so horrible, it's actually fun to watch, and who releases uber catchy, albeit cookie-cutter, jams at a Rihanna-like frequency. While I admittedly have no idea what fuckery has been going on with the Disney Channel in the past two years, I have at least a decade of treasured memories, most of which involve my favorite stars exploring music careers despite having a lack of talent and, in some cases, ambition.

So, without further ado, I present the top ten songs by Disney Channel stars.

10. "Double Dutch Bus" by Raven-Symoné
Fe Fi Fo Fum! Well I'll be done, here Raven comes! It's unclear to me if Raven's singing career actually ever existed, or if she was self-financing various music videos a la Rebecca Black and paying for ad space on Disney Channel to air them to millions of children around the country. Regardless of the legitimacy of her singing career, there's no denying that her cover of "Double Dutch Bus" isn't a jam. With lyrics such as "Wizzo izzay izzle in da double dizutch," you just know that you're taking a bus ride straight to audio heaven.

9. "Naturally" by Selena Gomez & The Scene
Remember when Selena Gomez was like, "I'm gonna have a music career but I'm not gonna be a solo artist. I'm gonna have a band because that makes it legit, unlike this Miley Cyrus bullshit"? Well, I'm paraphrasing, but the point is she made a big deal about not being a solo artist... So she proceeded to hire four (Five? Three? I don't even know) guys to literally do nothing. They don't write any songs and, given that Selena's jams are mostly synthetic dance songs, they probably don't even play instruments. No matter how screwed-up the formula is, it produced "Naturally", which launched Selena's music career and, three years later, has proven that it will NEVER get old. The music video leaves much to be desired, but the song more than makes up for it.

8. "See You Again" by Miley Cyrus
Despite her rather unfortunate career and hair-related decisions recently, Miley Cyrus is the pinnacle of Disney Channel stardom. Remember when she was basically running this shit like a club? Well, it all comes back to "See You Again". In 2007, after a year of Hannah Montana caca, Miley decided it was time to ditch the blonde wig and embark on musical journey all her own. The fact that this song was Miley's (14 at the time) first non-HM song should have been an indication of the salvia-smoking slut she would eventually blossom into. It's mature, but not explicitly inappropriate. Miley knew what was up! "See You Again" also gave birth to the beloved phrase, "She's just being Miley!" And indeed she is just being Miley. Indeed she is.

7. "Say OK" by Vanessa Hugens
Back when she still insisted on using her middle name, Vanessa Anne Hudgens was high on her High School Musical fame. Everyone wanted to sign her and her co-stars to record deals, and she knew she had to strike while the iron's hot. The result? "Say OK", a wonderful jam about being whiney and constantly needing reassurance and validation from a lover. (I'm assuming it's autobiographical.) The music video is just as much a treat as the song, as it acted as the "coming out" of Vanessa and Zac Efron as a couple. #RIPZanessa

6. "Send It On" by Disney's Friends for Change
Disney must have been feeling pretty bad about their ecological footprint, because in 2009, they gathered their biggest stars to sing about how we need to take better care of our planet. The theme of "Send It On" is buried in some weird message about shining lights. Nevertheless, it was the first and only time Miley, Selena, Demi Lovato, and the Jonas Brothers all collaborated on a song. (They were collectively billed as Disney's Friends for Change, which is just gross.) It's so deliciously wonderful to watch Miley play nice with Selena and Demi, as it was common knowledge at the time that they didn't get along. Equally as entertaining is how the stars are paired off: former lovers Miley and Nick, future lovers Demi and Joe, and then Selena and Kevin, the ones who can't sing.

5. "Give Your Heart a Break" by Demi Lovato
If anyone is the exception to the Disney mold, it's Demi Lovato. Not only does she have actual raw talent, but bitch is intense! She went to rehab for being an addict and all-around hot mess (more on that for her inevitable Cunt of the Week post). I have all of Demi's albums, as is the case with most of the people on this list, and I fell in love with "Give Your Heart a Break" when Unbroken came out over a year ago. Basically, I liked it before it was popular. #Hipsterology

4. "He Said She Said" by Ashley Tisdale
Similar to her High School Musical homegirl, Ashley Tisdale wasted no time milking the opportunities the movie's success afforded her. However, since she didn't sign with Disney's label Hollywood Records, she was allowed to be as big a slut as she wanted. In "He Said She Said", Ashley comes off as a Britney wannabe, but she makes it work. (It was so naughty, in fact, that she had to come out with a clean version so she could get airplay on the all-too-powerful Radio Disney.) The song is a lovely blend of Ashley rapping, "singing," and then cooing like a baby. Love it!

3. "So Yesterday" by Hilary Duff
Let's be honest: my best friend Hilary Duff has released many a jam over the years and it was hard to narrow it down to just one for this list. I selected "So Yesterday" because it says so much about life. "If it's over, let it go" is, like, the best advice. So while the song may not tell us what dreams are made of, encourage us to take a crazy chance, or rally us to wake up on a Saturday night, it certainly holds its own as an insatiable HilDuff jam. Also, just try not to enjoy the music video.

2. "Love You Like a Love Song" by Selena Gomez & The Scene
Making their second appearance on the list, Selena Gomez (and the Scene, I guess) proves that when the topic of love has been exhausted in innumerable songs, the best solution is to write a song about it. "Love You Like a Love Song" is pretty much one of the best songs ever written so when you're done being pressed as fuck, you can enjoy the music video. It's really fun!

1. "Party in the U.S.A." by Miley Cyrus
As if there was any doubt that this would be the top song! "Party in the U.S.A." is probably what was playing in God's head when he made the human race, because this song is the epitome of life. It's catchy, talks about cardigans, and even has a Britney reference. The best part of the song is its patriotic message. Yeah, it is a party in the U.S.A. Though my several attempts to get the song inducted as our country's national anthem have flopped, I will not rest until children all across this merry land are saluting the majestic flag, all decked in red, white, and blue, while singing, "Who's that chick that's rockin' kicks? She gotta be from out of town."

Cunt of the Week: Taylor Swift, Giving Country a Bad Name

Bitch will take any award thrown her way,
even if it's Cunt of the Week.

Cunts come in all shapes, sizes, colors, and musical genres. Taylor Swift is this week's cunt. She's what some may call a country singer, but I like to call her either a glorified Miley Cyrus or a cheap Carrie Underwood knock-off; either one fits, just take your pick! Let's learn a little bit more about Taylor and the underlying reasons for her cuntitude will surely speak for themselves.

Like all true country artists, Taylor was born and raised in Pennsylvania. She spent her entire childhood bitching about how she didn't have a record deal. She also dealt with a shitload of heartbreak, probably because she's clingy and clueless as fuck. At some point, she started pussyfooting around in Nashville and was frustrated with how slowly success was coming her way. Sorry, Taylor. Excuse the record labels that didn't want to invest time, money, and energy into a frizzy-haired 13-year-old with an obnoxious whimper for a singing voice. Eventually, the stars aligned and she signed with Big Machine Records, a brand new independent label. She couldn't believe that they were willing to take such a gamble and sign her! Yeah, because it's so unimaginable that a no-name label without any other singers on its rosters would be desperate enough to sign you, you stupid bitch. Then Taylor became a huge international superstar, seemingly overnight, and made music that can most accurately be described as country by Radio Disney's standards.

Taylor has conjured up a musical persona that's incredibly annoying. She's a dainty little princess with the emotional maturity of a 15-year-old and a fragile heart that you can break just by looking at her. Most of her songs deal with mean boys or unrequited love. She likes to write songs about specific lovers and then call them out either directly in the lyrics (Drew, the poor bastard, in "Teardrops On My Guitar") or on national television (anyone famous with a penis). Because, you know, that's the mature thing to do. Most importantly, Taylor likes to remind everyone that she's the victim in every situation. Going off that, let's take a look at the slut's romantic history.

This crazy girlfriend meme was partially inspired by Taylor.

• In 2008, she dated a Jonas Brother. It doesn't matter which one, but it was Joe, for the sake of accuracy. Obviously shit is gonna go down when you're dating Joe Jonas, who was like the Justin Bieber of 2007-08. Well, Joe got real tired of Taylor's inability to be anything other than a cunt and broke up with her in what she claims was a 27-second phone call. (I say that's about 10 seconds too long!) Rather than swallow her pride and be the mature adult she purports to be, Taylor went on Ellen and called him out on it. That merciless cat-eyed bitch!
• The following year, Taylor dated Taylor Lautner. The duo met while filming Valentine's Day. (Yes, Tswift moonlights as an actress, which is an entirely different problem.) Anyone with half a brain could have said, "Hey, Taylor. How 'bout you not date someone with the same fucking name as you." But the little harlot was so obsessed with the cute nickname Tay Squared that she went for it anyway. Then she discovered she had to have a lot more in common with a man than a name, so the relationship fizzled out.
• Two shakes of a lamb's tail later, Taylor was suddenly dating John Mayer, 12 years her senior. This relationship illustrates how truly desperate and idiotic Taylor is. Not only is John fucking disgusting, but he also proved what an asshole he was in his relationships with Jessica Simpson, Jennifer Aniston, etc. Well, imagine nobody's surprise when this romance went up in flames. Poor little Taylor wrote a song called "Dear John" and confessed her heartache. "Don't you think I was too young messed with/The girl in the dress cried the whole way home," she sings. Boo hoo! I have some lyrics of my own, and they go like this: "You should've known better, bitch!" (Thank you.)
• The slutwagon in which Taylor travels brought her to the doorstep of Jake Gyllenhaal next. I got over this shit so fast I barely even acknowledge it happened at all. All I know is that this relationship inspired "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together", one of Taylor's worst song to date. Earth to Taylor, you delusional bitch: nobody wants to get back together with you. Like, ever.

Currently, Taylor is crashing weddings and annoying the fuck out the Kennedy family because she's convinced herself that she's dating RFK Jr.'s son, Conor. So anybody who submits to the belief that Taylor is America's sweetheart and a good role model, please review her fuck list and you'll see she's no better than a serial slut in cowboy boots!

Miss Swift is also biffles with Selena Gomez. One might ask, "Say, Taylor. Why don't you have any friends your own age?" That's probably because people Taylor's age don't like to pretend they're fighting dragons in castles. Even Selena is probably getting tired of that bullshit. Still, Taylor managed to squeeze her ass into the E! News special devoted to Selena. She recounted the hilarious adventures they've had together as great friends. If you missed it, it went something like this:

Selena and I went to a college football game. We just wanted to blend in because we're so famous and didn't want to pull focus from the game. But we were like, how do we fit in? Because neither of us go to college because college is for idiots and we're famous, so we had no idea how the plebeians behave in public. So we got all the college garb and wore it but we totally stood out. We didn't know people don't wear college paraphernalia from head to toe, lol! It was sooo awkward. I know this is a special about Selena, so sorry for taking up like 8 goddamn minutes about one insignificant anecdote that probably only happened in my head. Joe Jonas broke up with me in a 27-second phone call. Also, I'm from Pennsylvania, so southern shit is really near and dear to my heart.

It's fuckery like this that makes me think Kanye West had the right idea. #AmIRight? Currently, Taylor is prepping for the release of her fourth album, Red. In an effort to prove what a true country singer she is, she's incorporated autotune and dubstep into the album. I shit you not. It's there. And when you hear it, you know you'll be thinking, What a cunt!