Things Tommy Loves and Hates #10

I'd put a picture of the actual Bonnie & Clyde, but they frighten me.

Thing I Love #10: Bonnie & Clyde-Themed Songs

Bonnie and Clyde may have been terrible people (and awful bank robbers, as it turns out), but there's no denying that their legacy is purely fascinating. Countless fictional portrayals aside, I love when songs reference the dynamic duo. We all know Jay-Z and Beyoncé's "03 Bonnie & Clyde", but what about more subtle allusions, like Britney's "Criminal"? Mama, I'm in love with a criminal...

Thing I Hate #10: Loud Eaters

I'm sorry, are you chewing gum or firing a machine gun? Is that a cookie you're eating or a block of fucking cement? Ladies and gentlemen, close your damn mouths and minimize the amount I have to hear you satiate your appetite, because it really makes me lose mine.  

Jam of the Week: "Holy Grail" by Jay-Z & Justin Timberlake

Although I generally try to stay away from Jay-Z, it's hard to ignore him altogether, as he duets with some pretty fabulous people. This time around, it's Justin Timberlake on a song called "Holy Grail". It's been blasting on the radio all summer, and now it's finally getting Jam of the Week.

Now sit back, relax, listen to the music, and sip your cup 'til it runneth over.

Jam of the Week: "Young and Beautiful" by Lana Del Rey

If you're not yet aware of this fact, the soundtrack to The Great Gatsby is going to be fucking amazing. It features Beyoncé covering Amy Winehouse, Jack White covering U2, and original songs by artists like Florence & the Machine, Jay-Z, will.i.am, and of course, Lana "Love Me or I'll Die" Del Rey.

Lana's sultry vocals, cinematic and classical compositions, and lyrical obsession with wealth and glamor are the perfect fit for the film. "Young and Beautiful" is classic Lana (it's very "American" meets "Dark Paradise"), as she asks her man if he will still love her once her youth and beauty fade. Eventually, she pleads to God to let her lover come to Heaven with her. It doesn't make a lick of sense, and that's one of the many reasons I love this song. Enjoy!

Cunt of the Week: Beyoncé

Tyra, is that you?

Before everybody loses their shit, let me assert that I realize this is certainly one of the more controversial selections for Cunt of the Week. But let's all remember that having different opinions is one of the great things about being human! I won't deny that Beyoncé talented; however, I will object to her self-imposed alter ego Sasha Fierce and other such displays of narcissism. I won't trash her for no reason, but I will detail why she is so fucking overrated and, more importantly, why she's a cunt.

We all know Beyoncé got her start in Destiny's Child, which changed band members so much that it makes the Pussycat Dolls look like the most stable and consistent girl group in music history. So why have four women quit the band? It wasn't because they suddenly wanted quiet lives back on the farm in Kansas. No, it was because Beyoncé is a DIVA. And not the good kind of diva that she purports to be in her aptly-titled song, "Diva". She's just a raging cunt and most people can't stand to be around her. Even Michelle Williams, basic and pressed as she is, still talks shit about how awful Beyoncé is.

Though Destiny's Child might as well have been called Beyoncé Knowles & Co., Bey wasn't satisfied with being one of the most successful girl groups of all time. So she decided to embark on a solo career. #TotalCuntMove

All the while, she was dating Jay-Z. All I'm gonna say is that somebody should have put a stop to that shit ASAP. They are two of the biggest egos in the music industry and there aren't words to describe what happens when two people like them get together. Actually, there is a term for it. It's called Blue Ivy.

Beyoncé is undeniably successful as a solo artist. And I'll admit she's talented. "Crazy in Love" is a classic. "Single Ladies" is a jam. "Irreplaceable" is an anthem. But she has done nothing to reinvent the pop/R&B crossover world. Nothing she does is new, which would be fine if people didn't act like she was the goddamn mecca of music. And overtime, she has become increasingly less creative. She once contributed lyrics to every song on an album, but now contributes to barely half, most of which are major snoozers. What she lacks in artistry she makes up for with smoke and mirrors. She's not an artist, she's a performer. Which, again, would be fine if people recognized that.

My biggest problem with Queen B, as she's known to her fans, is not that everybody thinks she's so fucking great. It's that SHE thinks she's the greatest thing to bless this planet since Jesus the motherfucking Christ himself! Who the hell calls themselves Sasha Fierce? Who unnecessarily splits up their 11-song album onto two discs? What kind of sicko announces their pregnancy at an awards show in the middle of a tribute to Britney Spears?! Who stores everything used in their productions, even something as simple as a technical light, in a warehouse so nobody else can use it? What kind of person closes off half a hospital to have their one baby? (Screw the other expectant mothers, I guess.) And who not only lip syncs the national anthem at a presidential inauguration, but makes the grandiose gesture of ripping out her earpiece to fool people into thinking she's singing live, unaided by a track?

Beyoncé, that's who.

But the worst is yet to come. Check this shit out:

I don't feel like I have to please anyone. I feel free. I feel like I'm an adult. I'm grown. I can do what I want. I can say what I want. I can retire if I want. That's why I've worked hard.

THIS irked me to no end. Listen up, Beyoncé. Being an adult is not stomping around, doing and saying whatever you feel like. And you may have worked hard, but considering retirement at age 31 is beyond ridiculous. Yeah, you worked hard and just so happen to have made a gazillion dollars from it. But most people work much harder, and for much longer. And if music is really your passion, you should consider yourself lucky to still have a fan base that will support your career and allow you to continue living your dream. You wouldn't retire just because you have enough money to live off of for 70 lifetimes.

I know many of you are probably still shitting glitter from her Super Bowl performance, but I hope I successfully alerted you to some of the problems with her. It's only halfheartedly that I give her the Cunt of the Week; in truth, I think she's just overrated. But dgaf. She's getting it anyway!

Cunt of the Week: Rihanna, the Ultra-Cunt

Ugh. This bitch.

It has always been a goal of mine to make "cunt" a more socially acceptable word. My reasoning is that sometimes people can be such cunts, that there's really no other word to describe them. To aid me in this journey toward a society with more relaxed linguistics, I'll be condemning a new cunt each week. Without further ado, let's go to our first Cunt of the Week.

Who is more of a cunt that Rihanna? In case you live under a rock, Rihanna is a singer that Barbados got sick of and sent over to America as a practical joke. Since then, she's been known for pulling shitty album after shitty album out of her ass left and right and for being just an all-around cunt.

Why, you may ask, is Rihanna such a cunt? I'll tell you. Let's start with her so-called talent. A brilliant professor I once had described Rihanna's vocals so eloquently that I was completely blown away by her brevity, beauty, and accuracy. "Rihanna," my professor said. "The young woman who sounds like a dying mongoose." Preach! If Rihanna has any vocal ability, she's sure good at hiding it. Just take some nasally gawks, slap them against a flavor-of-the-month beat, and BAM! You got yourself a Rihanna song.

There's also the fact that she writes close to nothing. But come on guys, are you really surprised? She's far too busy smoking weed and ruining Jay-Z songs to actually write her own music. Lyrics such as "Where have you been/All my life, all my life/Where have you been, all my life/Where have you been, all my life/Where have you been, all my life/Where have you been, all my life" are so intricate and thought-provoking that they must have taken months to write, and that's time that Rihanna just does not have.

My next point begs the question: When's the last time you turned on the radio and didn't hear a Rihanna song? I know that I personally couldn't get through a single day last year without being audibly assaulted by "We Found Love". (Where exactly did she find love again? It's still not clear.) That's simply because Rihanna does not understand the importance of taking the time to hone her craft. Once her current single starts dipping in radio airplay, she releases her next single. Once her album is bled dry of singles, she records her next album. Her seventh album is currently slated for a November 2012 release; it will be her fourth album in three years.

I didn't always hate Rihanna. In fact, it wasn't until after the whole Chris Brown incident that I realized how fucking annoying she is. Now I'm not defending Chris, nor am I advocating violence of any kind, but I gotta admit, thinking about Rihanna has made my fist curl once or twice. Anyway, after the showdown, Chris went on to release some great jams while his life and anger management skills continued to circle the drain. Totally acceptable.

Meanwhile, Rihanna just turned into a massive cunt. Her music became "edgy" and "dark" and she changed her hair color more times than Taylor Swift changes boyfriends. Then for whatever reason, she reconciled with Chris and started recording duets with him like there was no tomorrow. And then, this summer, she had the audacity to proclaim her love for Chris in an interview with Oprah. If you haven't seen it, don't bother. It went something like this:

Opraaah, I just lav heem, Opraaah. He's da lav of my life, Opraaah.

Aside from her music and poor life decisions, Rihanna is a cunt for many other reasons. She's rather thuggish in nature, constantly picking Twitter fights and whatnot, and she seems totally oblivious to how much she sucks. Not only is she delusional enough to consider herself the Black Madonna, but she actually thinks her music is meaningful!

Nobody wearing that hooded sweater shitshow can be taken seriously.

Rihanna's songs leave me in tears, too. Sometimes the pain from blood pouring out my ears is just too much.

Full disclosure: While my hatred for Rihanna is as true as the day is long, I do own 23 of her songs (not counting her various duets with Jay-Z, Drake, Maroon 5, Coldplay, etc.). That's more than I would like to admit, but at the same time, it has become nearly impossible to function in today's world without a working knowledge of Rihanna's music.

However, I hope you are now enlightened enough to see what a shitty person and "artist" Rihanna is, if you hadn't yet reached that conclusion on your own. The next time she poisons the airwaves with her cat screetching, I know we'll all collectively be thinking, "Oh, Rihanna! What a cunt."