Tommy Picks the Best Albums of 2013

As we barrel into 2014, it's important to look back on the previous year before we close the book on 2013 forever. In the last twelve months, we've gotten some tantalizing music (#jamsfordays) and I took the time to rank the 10 Best Albums of 2013. Avid Tommy Time readers shouldn't be surprised by the rankings at all.

Click through the slideshow to see if your favorite made the cut!

This or That (or That): The Miley/Demi/Selena Showdown of 2013

They're all pretty fucking content with themselves.

So basically for like all of 2013, I've been talking about how pretty much every pop princess is doing whatever it takes to be alpha bitch of the music scene. And while Britney is going to slay all these bitches come December 3, one cannot deny that there are several contenders deserving of second place.

Three horses in the running — Miley Cyrus, Demi Lovato, and Selena Gomez —are also involved in their own competition (or so I'd like to think) to see who can come out as the most successful Disney star. So, in a special edition of This or That, let's take a closer to look to see who came out on top.

Album sales & charts

• Demi debuted at #3 with 110,000 copies sold.
• Stars Dance debuted at #1 with 97,000 copies sold.
• Bangerz debuted at #1 with 270,000 copies sold.

While Demi managed to outsell Selena in their opening weeks, Selena reached the top position. But it doesn't matter, because Miley blew them both out of the water.

Single sales & charts

• "Heart Attack" reached #10 and has sold over 2 million copies.
• "Made in the USA" reached #80 and its sales haven't been released.
• "Come & Get It" reached #6 and has sold over 2 million copies.
• "Slow Down" reached #36 and has sold over 200,000 copies.
• "We Can't Stop" reached #2 and has sold over 2 million copies.
• "Wrecking Ball" reached #1 and has sold over 2 million copies.

So obviously Miley came out on top here, having two singles smash in both sales and charting.

Critical reception

• Demi received "mostly positive" reviews, scoring 64/100 on Metacritic, an aggregate of professional reviews.
• Stars Dance received "mixed" reviews, earning a score of 59/100.
• Bangerz had "mostly positive" reviews, scoring 62/100.

It's a marginal victory, but Demi seems to have pleased the critics most.

Tommy Time reception

• Demi: "Though Demi fails to take the singer forward in her musical journey, it proves to be a solid pop album. Those hoping for Taylor Swift-level personal details will be disappointed, but Lovatics will be more than satisfied, and Demi's impressive voice alone is enough to win over new converts."
• Stars Dance: "Stars Dance... [traps] Selena in the same anonymity and incohesiveness she struggled with earlier in her career. The final verdict: Selena gets major brownie points for her impressive musical risks, but that same ambition costs the album the presence of its star." 
• Bangerz: "Every song on Bangerz is a banger: a loud, colorful, trashy depiction of how the singer lives (or at least how she wants us to think she lives). But it's in that chaos that the album works; even when it's bad, it's so bad, it's almost good."

While I respected Miley and Selena for taking risks, I think Demi won out by playing it safe and creating the best album between the three of them.

So who came out on top? There's no denying that Miley, with the biggest sales and loudest headlines, is the most successful of the Disney darlings. It's history repeating itself, tbqfh, as you'll see below. I've taken the liberty of color coding the girls' chart positions from over the years so you have a visual of who's on top. (And to be generous, I've omitted Miley's releases as Hannah Montana.)

Album charts

• #1 Bangerz (2013)
• #1 Breakout (2008)
• #1 Here We Go Again (2009)
• #1 Meet Miley Cyrus (2007)
• #1 Stars Dance (2013)
• #2 Don't Forget (2008)
• #2 The Time of Our Lives (2009)
• #3 Can't Be Tamed (2010)
• #3 Demi (2013)
• #3 When the Sun Goes Down (2011)
• #4 Unbroken (2011)
• #4 A Year Without Rain (2010)
• #9 Kiss & Tell (2009)

Singles charts

• #1 "Wrecking Ball" (2013)
• #2 "Party in the USA" (2009)
• #2 "We Can't Stop" (2013)
• #4 "The Climb" (2009) 
• #6 "Come & Get It" (2013)
• #8 "Can't Be Tamed" (2010)
• #9 "7 Things" (2008)
• #9 "This Is Me" (2008)
• #10 "Heart Attack" (2013)
• #10 "See You Again" (2008) 
• #10 "Skyscraper" (2011)
• #15 "Here We Go Again" (2009)
• #16 "Give Your Heart a Break" (2012)
• #16 "When I Look at You" (2010)
• #18 "Hoedown Throwdown" (2009)
• #21 "Who Says" (2011)
• #22 "Love You Like a Love Song" (2011)
• #24 "Round & Round" (2010)
• #29 "Naturally" (2010)
• #35 "A Year Without Rain" (2010)
• #36 "Slow Down" (2013)
• #41 "Don't Forget" (2009)
• #43 "Get Back" (2008)
• #52 "La La Land" (2009)
• #68 "Start All Over" (2008) 
• #80 "Made in the USA" (2013)
• #82 "Falling Down" (2009) 
• #84 "Fly On the Wall" (2008)
• #103 "Hit the Lights" (2011)

Jam of the Week: "Heart by Heart" by Demi Lovato

Fresh off the soundtrack to that shitty monster-hunting film The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones, "Heart by Heart" is the next single in Demi's line of cardiology-themed songs (after "Give Your Heart a Break" and "Heart Attack", of course).

And since musically Demi can't really do any wrong, it's no surprise that this song is a smash. It's all about finding your soul mate and knowing somebody's "heart by heart." Yeah, it doesn't make much sense. But we love her anyway!

Best News of the Week: Demi Lovato Joins Glee, Will Slay You With Brilliant Covers

"Don't stop believin'!"

Glee just got a whole lot better!

After several days of speculation, Fox has officially announced that Demi Lovato is joining the cast of Glee for its upcoming fifth season, which kicks of September 26 with a two-part Beatles tribute. It's her first acting gig since she ditched Sonny With a Chance for rehab back in 2010.

Not much is known about the role except that she will be playing Dani, a fellow NYADA student, who befriends Rachel (Lea Michele) and Santana (Naya Rivera). Demi will reportedly duet with both Naya and Adam Lambert, who also joins the cast this season.

Demi's first appearance will be in the second part of the aforementioned Beatles tribute, after which the show will air its tribute episode to Cory Monteith and take an extended hiatus.

This is fucking amazing for multiple reasons. First of all, it means more Demi jams. I'm eager to hear what she'll sing! (Although it is a bit weird that she's coming onto the show now, after they covered one of her songs last season. That's a bit too meta for me.)

Secondly, Glee airs alongside The X Factor, on which Demi is still a judge, on Thursday nights, meaning Fox is clearly run by Lovatics. (But who am I kidding? Without Britney, there's no reason to watch The X Factor.)

So everybody just buckle the fuck up, because Demi is taking over.

A Few Thoughts on the Teen Choice Awards

I could cry at this glory.

The Teen Choice Awards are my absolute jam, simply because they pay tribute to the glossy, trashy pop culture that I find so appealing. This year's ceremony was especially enticing, for a myriad of reasons, which I will get into after the jump! #TearsForLeaAhead

Hosted by Teen Royalty
Fucking holla for whoever came up will the totally brill idea of having Darren Criss and Lucy Hale host the Teen Choice Awards. I can't think of a more attractive and charismatic pair of hosts, and I definitely think they should date each other (lest Darren come out of the closet and make all my dreams come true).

Harry Styles Gives Miley a Run for Her Money
Miley Cyrus may have been one of the first major celebrities to twerk what she's got, but it's clear that One Direction's Harry Styles is the true master of the art form.

Whistle while you twerk.

Rebel Wilson Rebels Against the Censors

Rebel Wilson is pretty much always flawless, and continued to be so when she accepted her award for Choice Comedy Movie Actress in a wetsuit. But the best part was when girlfriend made the following joke: "You know what's weird? When I found out that there was a band called One Direction, because that's the name I also gave my a--hole." Priceless.

Next year's host?

Demi Salutes the Stars and Stripes
"Made In the USA" is definitely one of the best jams off of Demi's most recent album, so I was so excited to hear her perform it live. Not only did she kill it, but she was assisted by drummer Nick Jonas, who has spent these past few Disney-free years solidifying his hunk status.

Ashton Kutcher Redefines Sexy... Literally
The always arrogant but always delicious Ashton Kutcher was the recipient of the Ultimate Choice Award, which he joked was "the grandpa award." While giving his tips for success, he said: "The sexiest thing in the entire world is being really smart, and being thoughtful, and being generous. Everything else is crap, I promise you! It's just crap that people try to sell to you to make you feel like less, so don't buy it." #PreachIt

  
Miley Cyrus Practically Strip Teases Before Accepting Her Award
When Miley won Choice Summer Song for "We Can't Stop", she apparently thought she was allowed to take her time. Not only does she drag little sis Noah on stage with her, but Miley danced for her fans before finally slinking her way to the mic to accept the award. It's hard to believe that only 4 years ago, she was pole dancing to "Party in the USA" at the 2009 Teen Choice Awards.

Lea Michele Dedicates Her Award to Cory
Making her first public appearance since Cory Monteith's death last month, Lea Michele accepted her award for Choice TV Actress in a Comedy. Not only did she look great, but she bravely and beautifully sang the praises of her late boyfriend, and I'll bet there wasn't a dry eye in the house!

It was a night of laughs, tears, and wtf's. But it was beautiful.

The Good, the Bad, and the Rihanna: Selena Gomez's Stars Dance is a Damn Hot Mess

Come and get it... July 23.

It's standard for most artists to take two years between albums, so when Selena Gomez announced a music hiatus, nobody thought much of it, even if it did break her three-albums-in-less-than-two-years streak. But since 2011's When the Sun Goes Down, Selena made the leap from 18 to 20, split with her band the Scene, partook in a highly publicized and reportedly tumultuous relationship with Justin Bieber, and distanced herself from her clean Disney days with a bikini-clad, bong-smoking role in Spring Breakers.

So it's not much of a surprise that Selena's first solo effort, Stars Dance, is quite a departure from her kid-friendly catalog. With its hip-hop, dubstep, and house music elements, it takes more musical risks by a Disney-helmed pop album since Hilary Duff's Dignity, a dance compilation released before the genre was commercially viable. Stars Dance presents a more sexually confident Selena, who seems more dependent on autotune now more than ever. And despite Selena's constant accreditation of Britney Spears as the biggest influence on the record, the Queen of Pop's impact is minimal at best. Instead, Stars Dance seems like it was assembled from a pile of leftover Rihanna tracks. (In the case of lead single "Come & Get It", this happens to be true.)

The result is, as the title of this review states, a damn hot mess. Never before has Selena disappointed so much. Her presence on the album is almost non-existent; instead, her weak vocals are processed to hell, and her producers create a slick and glossy package that she slaps her name on. Even her attempts to get personal seem anonymous (more on that later). Still, like is true with too many artists today, Selena's music never has to be good to be catchy, infectious, and, at times, fun, and Stars Dance is not without these moments.

The album opens with "Birthday", a candy-coated, dubstep-laden, rap-infused song on which Selena chants, "Tell 'em it's my birthday/When I party like that." It's like Gwen Stefani meets Rihanna, a fun, albeit quickly annoying, combination. And when Selena musters her best drunken sorority girl impression as she beltches out, "Party ooon, babyyyy" during the verse, one wishes this song was around in time for the Spring Breakers soundtrack.

Other songs also find Selena outside of her musical comfort zone. And sometimes it works. The Middle Eastern-inspired "Come & Get It", a former Jam of the Week, is the album's strongest track. "Save the Day", which is pure dance floor bliss, harkens back to Selena's days with the Scene. "Undercover" is also a highlight, and probably the album's most scandy track. On the song, Selena calls her man a "sexy machine," and declares: "I wanna find a place where we can be alone in the dark/And you can navigate me like a map that you know by heart." It's slinky, sexy, and the closest Selena has ever gotten to getting on Britney's level.

However, sometimes Selena's ambitious musical direction backfires. "Like a Champion" has Rihanna's name written all over it. Selena attacks the lyrics with a laughable Riri-esque accent, and the pitter-patter of those "rom pa pa poms" are ripped right from the Barbadian singer's signature reggae flair. And the numbing repetition of "Forget Forever", a retitled version of the previously-leaked "Rule the World", will have you longing for Rihanna's "We Found Love".

Similarly, "B.E.A.T." mimics another rising pop star. On the track, Selena sings, "I like the lights in my hand and the beat in my face." Does that line remind you of any Dev lyrics in particular? The rest of the album is just as dismissible. The trippy and heavily-autotuned "Stars Dance" and the vacant and familiar "Write Your Name" are both boring as hell.

Good or bad, what all these songs have in common is an airy superficiality. Only once does Selena delve beneath the surface. "Love Will Remember" is obviously about the collapse of her romance with Justin. But the album version of the song is without the alleged Bieber voicemail that was present when the track leaked last week. Without this personal touch, the song is robbed of its identity, and suddenly, the vulnerability of  "Love Will Remember" is about as convincing as that on "The Way I Loved You", a death-of-love song Selena tried to tackle when she was only 15 and hadn't even held hands with someone who wasn't named Jonas.

Even at its best, Stars Dance disappoints. While Miley Cyrus has recently dismissed her old music, and Demi Lovato has never developed the musical identity to match her amazing voice, Selena was lucky enough to perfect her artistry on When the Sun Goes Down, which is bubblegum pop at its finest. Stars Dance undoes this feat, trapping Selena in the same anonymity and incohesiveness she struggled with earlier in her career.

The final verdict: Selena gets major brownie points for her impressive musical risks, but that same ambition costs the album the presence of its star.

Demi Lovato May Be a Genius! This is the Best Worst Idea You'll Hear All Week!

Fresh-faced and feisty.

If you're a Lovatic, Smiler, Selenator, and Swifter, and you thought that life couldn't get any better, you might want to rethink that.

In a recent interview, Demi Lovato was asked who she would pick to be in a girl group with her. Her response?

It would never happen but I'd form a group featuring me, Miley, Selena, and Taylor. That would be pretty epic.

Um, YEAH it would. And not because the music would be good. (Let's face it: Demi's daddy issues + Taylor's bombastic romances + Miley's coke lines + Selena's Britney-wannabe beats = DISASTER.) But the in-group fighting would be to die for. There's already bad blood between the four of these girls, and while that may be water under the bridge for now, but it would quickly come flooding back (get it?) the second they had to work together.

I can't think of anything more I'd want to see in the tabloids. Come on, people! Let's make this happen. Taking suggestions for band names NOW!

And PS, if you're a hater of all four of these artists, just remember that as long as they're still solo, it could still be a lot worse!

Bitch of the Week: Miley Cyrus

Get on her level.

It takes a certain kind of person to be able to do whatever the fuck they want and have the only response be, "She's just being Miley!" That kind of person is a Bitch of the Week. In what I personally believe is a long overdue honor, Miley Cyrus is officially the reigning BoW.

Destiny Hope Cyrus was born to a one-hit wonder and his trophy wife in 1992. Why did she have this name, you're probably asking if you don't already know. Well, according to her parents, it was her destiny to bring hope to this world. Luckily, Miss Cyrus knew that her true destiny was to one-up her mullet-touting father and become one of the most successful teen idols of all time. I hardly have to tell you what that journey entailed, but here it is in a nutshell: a blonde wig, a plethora of controversies, and a whole lotta bitchery.

So why is Miley our Bitch of the Week? Let us count the ways.

1. Her jams

Like no other Disney star before or after her, Miley has turned out countless jams. "See You Again", "7 Things", "The Climb", "Party in the USA", "When I Look at You", "Can't Be Tamed", and her latest hit "We Can't Stop" are just a few of the many examples.

2. Her man

People can say that Miley's ugly, especially after her new haircut. But she's engaged to some prime eye candy. Of course, Miley's always had an envious love life. Her first publicized romance was with tween heartthrob Nick Jonas, and that's when the anti-Miley sentiment first originated.

I know how you feel, girl.

3. Her numerous controversies

Miley understands the art of bitchery like Taylor Swift understands how to lose a boyfriend. Since the age of 15, Miss Cyrus has had few controversy-free moments, which only solidifies were status as a Bitch of the Week. She's taken countless racy photos, whether they be scandy shower shots that flirt on the border of child pornography or the infamous Vanity Fair cover. She danced on a pole at the Teen Choice Awards and was video taped taking a hit of marijuana salvia from a bong. And let's not forget her leather-clad Can't Be Tamed days, or her more recent twerk-a-thons. Shit, Miley knows how to keep people talking than anyone else in the biz.

4. Her quotes

• "Pink isn't just a color, it's an attitude!"
• "It's ignorant not to talk to your kids about [sex] or not make it seem as magical or cool as it actually is. Kids have a TV, so they know what sex is. So educate them and let them know … it's a beautiful thing, and it is magic..."
• "Miley doesn't need to do anything but sit and chill and make music that I love, and make art that means something to me."
• "I wrote ["Liberty Walk"] for women that feel like they're stuck in abusive relationships, but it's a dance song. So you think that must be kind of a sad ballad, but it's a party song."
• "I almost feel like people think of me as dumb...I'm like, I'm smarter than you think. You know, I understand what you're trying to do. It's all a mind game and what not."
• "People thought I was gonna be this dumb white girl that was, like twerking around and had no real thoughts."

5. Her way of dealing with the paparazzi

6. She's doing shit that we all want done

She's leading the call for black emojis, which is something we could all benefit from, tbh.

7. She dgafs hardcore

Miley literally does not give a single fuck. Demi and Selena threaten her position as alpha bitch at Disney? Miley posts a YouTube video making fun of them. Parents complain that she's too slutty? She pulls a Hannah Montana and says nobody's perfect, and then sluts it up even more. The paparazzi get all up in her grill? She starts filming them to give them a taste of their own medicine. People diss her new haircut? She makes it even fuglier (see below).

There's a lot to love about Miley. She's the ultimate summer bitch, and I'm confident that she'll be bitching it up for years to come.

Uncanny.

Things Tommy Loves and Hates #1

They're each holding a knife behind their back.

Thing I Love #1: When Disney Channel Stars Get Risqué in Their Lyrics

Whether it's Selena Gomez using soft swear words on "Hit the Lights" or Miley meeting "sexy boys in every city" on "Permanent December", I've always loved when Disney Channel stars' lyrical content becomes mildly inappropriate for their target demographic. This is no truer than for Demi Lovato's album Unbroken, on which she sings about picking up guys in clubs, making waves in a bed in the shade, drinking champagne, and "thinking sober."

Thing I Hate #1: People Who Do Not Understand the Art of Instagram

There is nothing worse than basic bitches instawhoring themselves out. #justwokeup #nomakeup and #nofilter are amongst the hash tags I simply do not have time for, especially in regard to selfies. But perhaps the biggest and most insulting atrocity is when people share EVERY Instagram photo on Facebook. UM HELLO. They are two different and separate mediums. Occasionally it may be okay to cross over, but usually it is not! This is especially true when a bitch instagrams a shit load of photos and shares them all on Facebook at the same time, thus clogging MY newsfeeds on both fronts. Rude, inconsiderate, and downright tacky.

Review: Demi by, Well, Demi Lovato

"This time there's NO holding back," Demi Lovato tweeted in April 2012 as she began writing her fourth studio album. In the year that followed, the fallen Disney angel promised fans an ultra-autobiographical record. She even named the damn thing after herself, thus preparing the world for a musical shit storm of daddy issues, substance abuse, and self-harm.

Then, this past Monday, Demi encouraged fans to tweet the album's hashtagged song titles to unlock the tracks; the more they tweeted, the sooner the songs would arrive. Within two hours, Lovatics worldwide had officially unlocked Demi in its entirety, over a week before its official May 14 release date. Premature access to the album was definitely a gift from the gods, a refreshing pop splash in a rather dry spring of music releases. The album is fun and energetic, but one thing is evident right off that bat: it's not the introspective compilation the songstress made it out to be.

Of Demi's thirteen tracks, only the final two might be considered uniquely tailored to her personal life; on the stand-out track "Shouldn't Come Back", Demi sings about severing all ties with her negligent father, while "Warrior" clearly speaks to her experiences with bullying and low self esteem. Not every pop star has a bad relationship with her dad and a self confidence so low that she winds up in rehab for four months, so kudos to Demi for digging deep. The only problem? She's done both songs before on her last album: the former is thematically identical to "For the Love of a Daughter"; the latter is an instantly forgettable sequel to "Skyscraper".

And maybe that's not a bad thing. Demi's third album Unbroken might be her funnest, albeit her least cohesive. Its mosh pit of genres and heavy reliance on guest artists like Jason Derulo, Dev, and Timbaland may indicate a lack of any solid direction, but Unbroken successfully and tastefully differentiated the new, self-empowered Demi from her pre-rehab, "Sonny With a Chance" basic self.

Unfortunately, Demi doesn't continue on the same trajectory. As quite arguably the most underrated pop vocalist of our day, whose singing ability is frequently likened to that of Kelly Clarkson and Christina Aguilera, Demi sure limits herself to the Radio Disney scope. "Something That We're Not" sounds like a One Direction leftover and "Made in the USA" has Miley Cyrus' name written all over it, and not just because of her affinity for patriotic song titles. Even "Really Don't Care", a duet with Cher Lloyd, comes off as the kid sister to Icona Pop's "I Love It".

However, Demi still has a lot to recommend it. Its opening track "Heart Attack" is a former Jam of the Week, so you know that shit's legit. "Without the Love" and "Two Pieces" reaffirm Demi's status as a formidable pop star, and the aforementioned "Shouldn't Come Back" displays an emotional depth and vocal maturity that peers like Miley and Selena Gomez couldn't even begin to attempt.

Though Demi fails to take the singer forward in her musical journey, it proves to be a solid pop album. Those hoping for Taylor Swift-level personal details will be disappointed, but Lovatics will be more than satisfied, and Demi's impressive voice alone is enough to win over new converts.

This or That: Selena Gomez vs. Demi Lovato

Only one will be laughing in the end.

For about two solid years, Selena Gomez and Demi Lovato were the reigning teen queens of Disney Channel. Miley Cyrus was already making deals with the devil, so the position of Alpha Bitch at the Mouse House was wide open. For a while Semi, biffles since they met on the set of Barney & Friends, shared the title. But as time went on and the girls grew apart, it was clear, perhaps only to me, that there could only be one victor. Who will it be? Let's find out with Tommy Time's This or That.

Acting careers
I've already established that both Demi and Selena got their starts as toddlers on Barney & Friends, which I've never seen, but I imagine to be the poor man's Mickey Mouse Club. It took a while for either to achieve their Disney-level fame. Selena's turn came first in 2007. After guest starring in a few of the channel's most popular shows and landing roles in a couple of pilots that ultimately weren't picked up, Selena landed her breakout role in Wizards of Waverly Place. The popularity of the show led to a steady line of work for Selena and eventually a few starring roles in feature films. While some of these films are the devil's pornography, there's no denying Selena is successful. Additionally, while pigs will fly in the frozen tundra that is Hell before she gets an Academy Award, Selena is considerably more talented than most of her Disney peers.

Demi, on the other hand, would be nothing without Selena. Did you know that after Selena found herself in Disney executives' good favor, she asked them to consider hiring Demi? Yup, that's right. I imagine the first thing the big boss told Demi was to fix the gap between her two front teeth. In the meantime, they stuck her on that shitty two-minute long show As the Bell Rings. Luckily for Demi, however, she soon found herself in the lead roles of the TV musical movie Camp Rock and her very own show Sonny With a Chance. Although she would go on to star in Camp Rock 2 and Princess Protection Program (alongside Selena), Demi's acting career would never see the light of day outside the Mouse House. And that's probably a good thing, because she fucking sucked. This round goes to Selena!

Music careers
In accordance with Disney law, Demi and Selena launched recording careers. Demi is clearly the more talented vocalist and is a favorite among critics, who compare her to Kelly Clarkson and Christina Aguilera like there's no tomorrow. However, Selena is the more successful artist. She has sold almost over one million more albums than Demi and has enjoyed mainstream radio airplay since her second single, "Naturally", in 2010; it wasn't until 2012's "Give Your Heart a Break" that Demi finally broke the barrier from Radio Disney and entered the real world. So one has the talent, the other has the success. This round is a draw!

Personal lives
I've already assessed Demi Lovato's personal life once before, but allow me to recap. Bitch dated Joe Jonas, went fucking cray on cocaine, punched her back-up dancer, and went to rehab for an eating disorder, suicidal tendencies, and other such issues. She's currently rumored to be engaging in an on/off relationship with That 70's Show star Wilmer Valderrama, who may be a catch, but he's 13 years her senior. Gross!

Selena's personal life is drug-free, as far as we know. However, she gets major fines for being best friends with Taylor Swift, as well as for her dating history, which includes Nick Jonas, Taylor Lautner, and of course, Justin Bieber. I've lost a lot of respect for Selena in these past two years. This round is a draw, and not in a good way.

The Feud: Who was right and who was wrong?
It's no secret that Demi and Selena are no longer the best friends they used to be. Rumor has it that when Demi was circling the drain, Selena did her best to reach out but eventually gave up. As Selena grew closer to Taylor Swift, Demi grew closer to Miley, who had publicly made fun of Demi's gap-toothed smile only a year prior. Demi was so fucking pressed about Saylor's friendship that when a fan asked her how Selena was, she passive aggressively replied, "Ask Taylor." According to Demi, she and Selena hadn't spoken "in a while" until S reached out to her when she went to rehab. So Selena is obviously the better friend. This round goes to Selena.

Lightning round!

• Demi's first album was written and produced almost exclusively by the Jonas Brothers. Only a fool would put their musical debut in the hands of a mediocre-at-best boy band. Point for Selena!
• Selena was so insistent on not being a solo artist that she and Disney came up with a compromise: she could have a band so long as it was named after her. Thus, Selena Gomez & The Scene was born. However, as Selena transitioned from pop-rock to dance music, her band members became nothing but stage props. Now, for her fourth album, Selena will be completely Scene-less. All that arguing with the label for nothing. Point for Demi!
• Selena talks about how much she looks up to Britney Spears, but only Demi got to work with her on The X Factor. Point for Demi!
• Demi recorded "Skyscraper", a horrific song about her struggles that she had no hand in writing. Point for Selena!

Well, it would appear that the points are weighted very much in Selena's favor. Can you really say you're surprised? Demi might have the voice, but Selena has pretty much everything else. Congratulations, Selena! I love you like a love song.

Jam of the Week: "Love Me or Leave Me" by Kerli

Today's Jam of the Week is brought to us by Estonian pop star Kerli. That sentence along should be enough to validate my decision, but nevertheless, I'll go on. "Love Me or Leave Me" is sung from the perspective of a woman who sees the end of her relationship on the horizon and begs her lover to make a decision on its fate. It sounds like Sia meets Demi Lovato, so it's super fun. Enjoy!

Jam of the Week: "Heart Attack" by Demi Lovato

2013 promised to be the year in which several Disney starlets returned to music. Miley Cyrus, Hilary Duff, Selena Gomez, and Demi Lovato each announced that their fourth albums would be released at some point in the post-Mayan Apocalypse year. So far, however, only Demi has delivered.

"Heart Attack" is the lead single off her still-untitled album and boy is it a jam! It's not her best, but it's certainly the next logical step in her transition from Disney darling to mainstream pop star. (In case any of you are wondering, because I was, Demi is still signed to Disney's Hollywood Records.) She comes off as the next Kelly Clarkson, which is a nice identify for her to embrace after spending her first two albums in a directionless limbo.

So let Demi's palpitating single score your week. (And keep your fingers crossed that you'll see some other Disney starlets on Jam of the Week in the near future.)

Demi Lovato: Not a Cunt, Not Yet a Bitch

Demi desperately trying to be Miley.

Ever since the advent of Tommy Time's Bitch and Cunt of the Week, I've struggled to determine which title was best suited for Disney darling Demi Lovato. Not matter how much time I spend assessing the situation, I reach only one conclusion: Demi doesn't belong in either category; rather, she exists, quite possibly alone, in an in-between state. This post will explain why.

The story of how Demi rose to fame is nothing special. After Hilary Duff showed Disney Channel they could turn mediocre-at-best child actors into mediocre-at-best singers, the company began looking for anyone they could turn into a million-dollar brand. Existing assets like Raven were immediately put on the fast track for (often ill-fated) music careers. New stars were introduced in music-oriented programing, like Miley Cyrus in Hannah Montana, so the transition from actress to pop star would be seamless.

Everything people hate about Disney Channel.

So when Demi found herself cast in Camp Rock in 2008, she was clearly just another lucky victim of the Disney machine. At first, she was harmless. Sure, Camp Rock would never be as good as High School Musical, and Demi had some fugly ass bangs. But she would never be as bad as Miley, who was starting to shred her kid-friendly image one scandalous photo at a time, right?

For a while, it seemed that way. Demi was fortunate enough to have gotten "in" with the Jonas Brothers. (For whatever reason, in a pre-Bieber world, the girlfriends of teen heartthrobs were embraced by the fans, not threatened.) She was also biffles with fellow Disney starlet and Miley antithesis Selena Gomez, a friendship that culminated in the television movie Princess Protection Program. (Yes, it was as bad as it sounds.) At this time, Demi was still no where near cool enough to be a bitch, but was by no means a cunt.

Then came the pictures. Demi got her first taste of scandal when the tabloids went nuts over red carpet photos of the young starlet with what looked like scars on her wrists. Don't get me wrong; self-harming tendencies are seriously sad and by no means make her a cunt. However, when she blamed the scars on candy bracelets, I was starting to get over it. If you're going to lie about it, let's make it a little more believable. Last time I checked, candy bracelets don't draw blood.

One of the few times the Golden Trio was ever together.

Not too long after, Demi and Selena had a falling out. While Demi was partying hard with her Camp Rock 2 costars, Selena was slowly gaining fame outside of the Mouse House through her friendship with Taylor Swift and alleged romance with Taylor Lautner. The two were no longer seeing eye to eye, and Demi was clearly on a downward spiral of self-harm and self-indulgence.

In 2010, she reached rock bottom when she pulled out of a joint concert tour with the Jonas Brothers and entered a rehab facility for undisclosed physical and emotional issues. As you all know, word soon got out that Demi was indeed cutting herself, and that she also suffered from an eating disorder. She was released four months later. She used her experiences for good and spoke out against the bullying that caused the majority of her pain, which is commendable. The media celebrated her recovery, as they should.

However, what people fail to remember is that Demi was not only getting treated for bulimia and cutting, but also for a cocaine addiction. In fact, the only reason she went to rehab is because her back-up dancer reported Demi's little drug habit to their tour manager. When Demi responded by punching the dancer in the face, her people decided it was high time she got some help. I'm glad Demi is turning her darkest days into something positive, but it always pissed me off that everything else was swept under the rug. She was a victim, for sure, but she also had some 'splaining to do. #IMeanAmIRightOrAmIRight

Since then, however, Demi has really pulled a 180. Is there anyone who wouldn't agree that "Give Your Heart a Break" is a jam? She also proved to be a sassy, passionate, and insightful judge on The X Factor, and even conceded on more than one occasion that fellow judge Britney Spears was her superior. Clearly, she got her shit together.

In conclusion, Demi has had a checkered past. Despite the fact that she could sing circles around Miley or Selena, I've always found her less interesting. And after her monumental personal problems, I'll admit I didn't like her that much at all. #RihannaSyndrome But she's made it really hard to hate her in the past year, and I've definitely become a fan. However, she still lacks the badassness required to be Bitch of the Week. Maybe in the future she'll find herself on that prestigious list. Until then, this will have to do.

Tommy Picks 20 Things to Look Forward to in 2013

Ring it in!

Well, it's officially 2013. I've already posted a list of 20 things we need to get the fuck over as we leave 2012 behind. So now, on a more positive note, I've listed 20 things to look forward to for the next 12 months.

1. Britney Spears. Album 8. It's confirmed.
2. The Kimye Baby
3. Tina Fey and Amy Poehler hosting the Golden Globes
4. Oz: The Great and Powerful
5. 20-year high school reunion for the original Beverly Hills, 90210 gang. Make it happen. #TeamKelly
6. The Hunger Games: Catching Fire
7. The Miley Cyrus/Liam Hemsworth Wedding
8. One Direction's world tour. Am I going as of yet? No. Would I kill to go? Probably.
9. The return of Pretty Little Liars
10. The Man of Steel
11. Watching laughing at The Carrie Diaries as it falls flat on its ass
12. Gangster Squad. Love me some Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone!
13. Stricter gun control and gay marriage errywhere. (I know, serious things? #ugh)
14. Ryan Reynolds and anything he does.
15. Nicki Minaj and Mariah Carey catfights on American Idol
16. Seeing if Amanda Bynes' hit-and-runs outnumber Lindsay Lohan's arrests
17. Saving Mr. Banks. Tom Hanks plays Walt Disney. #sold
18. Albums 4 from Miley, Demi, Selena, and Hilary. Let's make it a fucking jam-packed year, ladies!
19. The Great Gatsby
20. Most importantly, this (hopefully) happening.

Happy New Year!!!

Throwback Thursday: Tommy Picks the Best Songs by Disney Channel Stars

Honestly, so true. But where's Christy Carlson Romano?

It's no secret that I have a weakness for Disney Channel stars. There's nothing I like more than a celebrity whose acting is so horrible, it's actually fun to watch, and who releases uber catchy, albeit cookie-cutter, jams at a Rihanna-like frequency. While I admittedly have no idea what fuckery has been going on with the Disney Channel in the past two years, I have at least a decade of treasured memories, most of which involve my favorite stars exploring music careers despite having a lack of talent and, in some cases, ambition.

So, without further ado, I present the top ten songs by Disney Channel stars.

10. "Double Dutch Bus" by Raven-Symoné
Fe Fi Fo Fum! Well I'll be done, here Raven comes! It's unclear to me if Raven's singing career actually ever existed, or if she was self-financing various music videos a la Rebecca Black and paying for ad space on Disney Channel to air them to millions of children around the country. Regardless of the legitimacy of her singing career, there's no denying that her cover of "Double Dutch Bus" isn't a jam. With lyrics such as "Wizzo izzay izzle in da double dizutch," you just know that you're taking a bus ride straight to audio heaven.

9. "Naturally" by Selena Gomez & The Scene
Remember when Selena Gomez was like, "I'm gonna have a music career but I'm not gonna be a solo artist. I'm gonna have a band because that makes it legit, unlike this Miley Cyrus bullshit"? Well, I'm paraphrasing, but the point is she made a big deal about not being a solo artist... So she proceeded to hire four (Five? Three? I don't even know) guys to literally do nothing. They don't write any songs and, given that Selena's jams are mostly synthetic dance songs, they probably don't even play instruments. No matter how screwed-up the formula is, it produced "Naturally", which launched Selena's music career and, three years later, has proven that it will NEVER get old. The music video leaves much to be desired, but the song more than makes up for it.

8. "See You Again" by Miley Cyrus
Despite her rather unfortunate career and hair-related decisions recently, Miley Cyrus is the pinnacle of Disney Channel stardom. Remember when she was basically running this shit like a club? Well, it all comes back to "See You Again". In 2007, after a year of Hannah Montana caca, Miley decided it was time to ditch the blonde wig and embark on musical journey all her own. The fact that this song was Miley's (14 at the time) first non-HM song should have been an indication of the salvia-smoking slut she would eventually blossom into. It's mature, but not explicitly inappropriate. Miley knew what was up! "See You Again" also gave birth to the beloved phrase, "She's just being Miley!" And indeed she is just being Miley. Indeed she is.

7. "Say OK" by Vanessa Hugens
Back when she still insisted on using her middle name, Vanessa Anne Hudgens was high on her High School Musical fame. Everyone wanted to sign her and her co-stars to record deals, and she knew she had to strike while the iron's hot. The result? "Say OK", a wonderful jam about being whiney and constantly needing reassurance and validation from a lover. (I'm assuming it's autobiographical.) The music video is just as much a treat as the song, as it acted as the "coming out" of Vanessa and Zac Efron as a couple. #RIPZanessa

6. "Send It On" by Disney's Friends for Change
Disney must have been feeling pretty bad about their ecological footprint, because in 2009, they gathered their biggest stars to sing about how we need to take better care of our planet. The theme of "Send It On" is buried in some weird message about shining lights. Nevertheless, it was the first and only time Miley, Selena, Demi Lovato, and the Jonas Brothers all collaborated on a song. (They were collectively billed as Disney's Friends for Change, which is just gross.) It's so deliciously wonderful to watch Miley play nice with Selena and Demi, as it was common knowledge at the time that they didn't get along. Equally as entertaining is how the stars are paired off: former lovers Miley and Nick, future lovers Demi and Joe, and then Selena and Kevin, the ones who can't sing.

5. "Give Your Heart a Break" by Demi Lovato
If anyone is the exception to the Disney mold, it's Demi Lovato. Not only does she have actual raw talent, but bitch is intense! She went to rehab for being an addict and all-around hot mess (more on that for her inevitable Cunt of the Week post). I have all of Demi's albums, as is the case with most of the people on this list, and I fell in love with "Give Your Heart a Break" when Unbroken came out over a year ago. Basically, I liked it before it was popular. #Hipsterology

4. "He Said She Said" by Ashley Tisdale
Similar to her High School Musical homegirl, Ashley Tisdale wasted no time milking the opportunities the movie's success afforded her. However, since she didn't sign with Disney's label Hollywood Records, she was allowed to be as big a slut as she wanted. In "He Said She Said", Ashley comes off as a Britney wannabe, but she makes it work. (It was so naughty, in fact, that she had to come out with a clean version so she could get airplay on the all-too-powerful Radio Disney.) The song is a lovely blend of Ashley rapping, "singing," and then cooing like a baby. Love it!

3. "So Yesterday" by Hilary Duff
Let's be honest: my best friend Hilary Duff has released many a jam over the years and it was hard to narrow it down to just one for this list. I selected "So Yesterday" because it says so much about life. "If it's over, let it go" is, like, the best advice. So while the song may not tell us what dreams are made of, encourage us to take a crazy chance, or rally us to wake up on a Saturday night, it certainly holds its own as an insatiable HilDuff jam. Also, just try not to enjoy the music video.

2. "Love You Like a Love Song" by Selena Gomez & The Scene
Making their second appearance on the list, Selena Gomez (and the Scene, I guess) proves that when the topic of love has been exhausted in innumerable songs, the best solution is to write a song about it. "Love You Like a Love Song" is pretty much one of the best songs ever written so when you're done being pressed as fuck, you can enjoy the music video. It's really fun!

1. "Party in the U.S.A." by Miley Cyrus
As if there was any doubt that this would be the top song! "Party in the U.S.A." is probably what was playing in God's head when he made the human race, because this song is the epitome of life. It's catchy, talks about cardigans, and even has a Britney reference. The best part of the song is its patriotic message. Yeah, it is a party in the U.S.A. Though my several attempts to get the song inducted as our country's national anthem have flopped, I will not rest until children all across this merry land are saluting the majestic flag, all decked in red, white, and blue, while singing, "Who's that chick that's rockin' kicks? She gotta be from out of town."