Tommy Picks 20 Things to Get Over for 2014

It's a well-known fact that I am against self-improvement, major lifestyle changes, and starting anew. But this is mostly for myself. For the greater good, I believe that we should greet the New Year without the cumbersome baggage of 2013. Here is a list of 20 things we just really need to get the fuck over before the ball drops.

1. The Power of Beyoncé. I thought it died down after the Superbowl, but leave it to this bitch to release an album out of fucking nowhere. I couldn't avoid her if I hid under a pile of rocks for all of time.
2. "The Fox". You know what? I don't give a shit what the fox says. It can shut the fuck up, and so can you.
3. The Voice. Everybody watches it, but my question is WHY?! None of the winners go on to be successful, so clearly people don't care enough about the acts. And the Adam/Christina banter can only do so much...
4. Boba. That shit is nastaaay! Also cancerous (although, what isn't?).
5. Gluten-free health shit.
6. Hatin' on Kimye. They may be ridiculous, but Kim and Kayne just had a baby. True, she indulges in the limelight and he talks out of his ass, but let's aim our hatred at celebrities who actually deserve it!
7. Pixar. Two summers in a row now, Pixar has failed me. Brave was a pile of duck shit and Monsters University was a major letdown. Meanwhile, Disney has been turning out fantastic movies like Frozen and gets nowhere near as much credit. Disney > Pixar, always.
8. The Jonas Brothers. I'm not exactly sure why the JoBros suddenly got a rise in popularity, but this is not 2007. Yes, they broke up, Nick got hot, and Joe tattled on his fellow Disney stars in a tell-all article, but this is the era of One Direction. Get outta here, JoBros!
9. "Omg Tom Daley is gay?!" Bitch, please. Like you did not see this one coming. And he's not gay, he's bi. We know this because he said he still "fancies" women, which made him sound really gay.
10. Miley Cyrus. As a former Bitch of the Week, Miley should be celebrated. But this obsession over her, positive or negative, is out of all fucking control.
11. Twerking. While we're on the topic of Miley, let's put to rest the issue of the dance move she sensationalized. Now that it's officially in the dictionary, don't you think we should just accept it and move past it?
12. Superhero spin-offs. I don't need 15 fucking movies with Robery Downey, Jr. as Ironman in it this year, thanks.
13. Florida. Damn, the sheer amount of bullshit that comes from that state is reason enough to annex the shit out of it. #tootles
14. Duck Dynasty. I struggle to find the appeal of this hick shit, but the more we discuss Phil Robertson's offensive remarks against the LGBT community, the more attention we bring to that fucking franchise! I am sorry, but I will NOT live in a country that takes pride in being gross. I just won't.
15. Long-ass movies. Films these days are unapologetically long; even the good ones could stand to trim a couple scenes. What's worse, if you wanna be up to speed with dem Oscar contendors, you lose like 45 hours of your damn life. Once a movie hits the two-hour mark, I better see some fucking credits roll.
16. Jelena. Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez are OVER. They are hopefully never (ever ever) getting back together. Let's stop linking every misdeed the Biebs does to his heartache. He is not pissing in a bucket because he misses his ex. He's just an asshole. Similarly, Selena did not just recently cancel the last leg of her tour to deal with the grief from a relationship that ended a year ago.
17. Game of Thrones. Honestly, let's move it along, people.
18. Lady Gaga. It's nice to see that the general public is starting to turn against her, but her 2013 was still far too successful for my liking.
19. That double standard. Why is it that when Zac Efron checks into rehab, he's commended for taking responsibility for his health, but when Selena Gomez was rumored to be checking in, people went ape shit and called her a train wreck? Just sayin'. #feminism
20. The sun. It was just too damn hot this year. That needs to not happen again. Thanks

Cheers! Here's to a better and brighter new year!

Jam of the Week: "Say Something" by A Great Big World & Christina Aguilera

 
The reigning Jam of the Week might seem mellow, but it's a jam no less. "Say Something" is the breakout hit of indie band A Great Big World. It's all about a reluctant break-up in which the singer begs his lover to "say something, I'm giving up on you."

The original version features just the band itself, but Christina Aguilera's presence on the re-release is what made the song such a big hit, and that's the version that wears the Jam of the Week crown.

One big question this song begs: is Christina's solo career over? Her last biggest hits, "Moves Like Jagger" and now this song, were with other bands, and neither Bionic or Lotus yielded any smashes. Just saying...

This or That: Christina Aguilera vs. Britney Spears

Pictured: treasure (left) and trash (right).

It's a rivalry as old as time. The skank vs. the sweetheart, the diva vs. the lolita, the voice vs. the x-factor. That's right. It's Christina Haguilera vs. the Legendary Miss Britney Spears. These two pop stars have been pitted against one another since their diaper days on The Mickey Mouse Club, and I think it's pretty clear to everyone just who came out on top. But for argument's sake, today's This or That will present my reasoning for just how one of these women is better than the other. Let's go!

Musical styles and influence
Britney is always ahead of the curve, setting trends with every song she releases. She's often credited as leading the revival in teen pop in the late 1990s. This blast of bubblegum pop would later allow artists such as Miley Cyrus, Selena Gomez, and Justin Bieber to start their music careers at an early age. With Britney's R&B influences and In the Zone's urban elements, B segued into electropop dance music, which has defined the later half of her career. Without her taking those reins, artists like Lady Gaga wouldn't have careers. And whether you love it or hate it, dubstep was first introduced into mainstream music by Britney's "Freakshow". Blackout was dubbed the most influential pop album of the decade by Rolling Stone, and it was also inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Britney's influence is massive and beyond reproach!

Christina's R&B influences and preference for low-profile producers helped her establish a unique identity that was pretty different from Britney's at first. And it worked, and her willingness to take risks produced the wonderfully jazz-infused Back to Basics album. But in recent years, Christina has had an identity crises. After dismissing autotune, her vocals on Bionic were notably computerized. (She later called the album "ahead of its time" after it flopped, but I just call it "shit.") Her most recent effort, Lotus, proved that she had finally caved in. She worked with the hottest producers and assembled a collection of the most reductive and formulaic dance songs you could imagine. There's a reason you're probably unaware that she released an album just last November. Obviously, this round goes to Britney!

Vocal talent
Everybody has to admit that Christina is the better vocalist. (Some even think she's black!) Britney has said, on numerous occasions, that she would like to have a voice like Christina's. While it's worth noting that Britney has an amazing voice, one that her music generally doesn't show, it's nowhere near Christina's level, and thus this round goes to Christina!

The wow factor
Slutty school girl, red latex, sheer bodysuit, albino snake, bejeweled skin, three-ring circus. What do all of these things have in common? They are elements of Britney's most memorable performances. Christina may have the better voice, but Britney has always been the better performer, and has contributed far more to pop culture iconography than Xtina could ever hope. This round goes to Britney!

Sales, numbers, and figures
Let's talk albums first. All but one of Britney's have gone to #1 in the US (Blackout hit #2). All of her albums have been certified platinum, with ...Baby One More Time and Oops!... I Did It Again both achieving the highest honor of diamond. Collectively, she has sold over 100 million albums worldwide. Only 2 of Christina's 7 albums have hit #1, and only 5 have gone platinum (the other 2 haven't even gone gold). Worldwide, she has sold 50 million albums, only have of what Britney's done.

Now let's talk singles. Both singers have boosted a surprisingly low five #1 US hits (including Britney's feature on "S&M" by Rihanna and Christina's features on "Lady Marmalade" and "Moves Like Jagger"). The only difference? The last time Christina hit #1 as a solo artist was in 2000 with "Come On Over Baby (All I Want Is You)". Britney had her last solo #1 in 2011 with "Hold It Against Me".

As for concert tours, let's just say this: Britney's Femme Fatale tour was amongst the top-selling global tours of 2011. Christina's last tour was cancelled due to lack of interest. All together now: this round goes to Britney!

The breakdowns
It's sad but true that unless Britney is going up against Lindsay Lohan or Amanda Bynes, she'll always have the burden of having had one of the biggest celebrity meltdowns ever. Between questionable parenting choices, alleged drug use, a messy divorce, and a shaved head, 2006-08 was not a great time for Brit. And even though she was never arrested like Christina was for being a damn hot mess in 2011, I have to be honest and give this round to Christina.

Lightning round!!!

•  The Voice routinely beats The X Factor in ratings. Point for Christina!
•  Everybody and their mother has come forward to say that meeting Christina was like meeting the devil himself, but Britney is constantly complimented for her sweet modesty and professionalism. Point for Britney!
• Britney doesn't exploit her children, but they're celebrities anyway, kind of in a Suri Cruise kind of way... What was Christina's kid's name again? Point for Britney!
• Madonna kissed both Britney and Christina onstage during the same performance, but only Britney's smooch made headlines. Did you even know that Christina was there? Point for Britney!
• Before P!nk, Lady Gaga, and Katy Perry started churning out songs about the underdog, Christina released "Beautiful", one of the more poignant empowerment songs for the disenfranchised. Britney's music might be more fun, but she's never recorded something this meaningful nor powerful. Point for Christina! 

It's not surprised that Britney emerges the victor. Obviously I wouldn't allow any other outcome, but the facts DO speak for themselves. If her recent album sales are anything to go by, Christina Haguilera doesn't exactly have an army of fans waiting to defend her, but don't bother trying anyway. Britney will always be queen. Thanks!

Tommy Picks the Best Songs by Former Cunts of the Week

Cunts as far as the eye can see.

While it would take an act of God for a Cunt of the Week to lose his or her title, I do recognize that it's a dubious term. Public figures (or those in your own lives!) can be such cunts but also contribute something amazing to society. And ain't that just life? Well, it's certainly not shocking that almost half of the former Cunts of the Week are from the music industry. (They can't all be Britneys, after all.) To prove the point I stated earlier, I am going to select the best jams by these musical cunts, because who am I to deny that Lady Gaga has a catchy song or two? Let's go!

Rihanna (Officially knighted cunted on September 26, 2012)

• "What's My Name?" ... I'm not sure what it is about this song, but I love it. I think it may have something to do with the fact that it was released back when my intense hatred for RiRi was a subdued intolerance. I also have a soft spot for Drake. And even though the repetitive lyrics of "Oh na na, what's my name?" get irritating (YOU'RE NAME IS FUCKING RIHANNA), this song is a jam.
• "Te Amo" ... After the whole Chris Brown beat down, Rihanna released some pretty dark tunes, including this one, in which she's the object of another woman's affections. It's a fun song with a pretty interesting message. (You might not be able to discern what that message is, however; Rihanna's Barbadian accent is on full blast here.)
• "S&M" ... It may be controversial, with an MTV-banned music video to boot, but this song is a pure and utter jam. The true party, however, started when Britney laid down some Rugrat-style vocals for the remix.

Taylor Swift (Cunted on October 10, 2012)

•  "Begin Again" ... God only knows which one of Taylor's fucks this song is about, but whoever it is, kudos to him for inspiring something good out of her for a change! The song is catchy and well-written. Best of all, it's about thinking love is a crock and then realizing that's not true once the next guy comes around; this is quite possibly her most autobiographical song to date.
• "Enchanted" ... In 2010, Taylor thought she could get away with releasing songs that clocked in around 6-7 minutes. Um, no. But one good jam came out of that batch of overinflated songs, and that's "Enchanted", which manages to both embody everything that's annoying about Tswift and somehow make it all less annoying.
• "Eyes Open" ... Why Taylor was the only artist on The Hunger Games soundtrack to get TWO songs, I'm not sure, but at least one of those songs is good, and that's this one!

Christina Aguilera (Cunted on November 28, 2012)

• "Woohoo" ... Any song that uses thin censorship while referring to genitalia instantly captures my attention. Just try and listen to this song without the lyrics "Licky licky, yum yum, what a great guy/K-kiss on my woohoo!/All over my woohoo!" getting stuck in your head! And when Nicki Minaj comes in with that rap! Ooh child!
• "Reflection" ... While Britney totally came out on top of her alleged feud with Xtina, both have a good number of 90s jams in their catalogs. The pinnacle of Christina's early career off of the Mulan soundtrack, and thereafter inspired many a school talent show performance.
• "Your Body" ... As a former Jam of the Week, this doesn't need an explanation.

Aly & AJ (Cunted on January 16, 2013)

• "Potential Break-Up Song" ... Their album needs just one, after all. While recording this jam, Aly & AJ must have finally realized that they weren't serious musicians and had a contract with fucking Disney Channel, because they abandoned their angsty acoustic crap for some autotuned dance floor BLISS. 
• "Rush" ... A lamer predecessor to Katy Perry's "Firework", "Rush" is all about not letting the haters get you down... And possibly a drug-induced rush. I'll leave it open for interpretation.
• "On the Ride" ... When I was younger, I honestly thought this was the best song on the planet. I'm pretty sure the thought, "Maybe this will win a Grammy," went through my head. My God. Thankfully that didn't happen. But it's still a fun song!

Justin Bieber (Cunted on February 6, 2013)

• "As Long As You Love Me" ... Although I was initially disappointed that this wasn't a Backstreet Boys cover, I grew to love this song. It's the first one that made me realize that maybe the Biebs had something worthwhile to listen to.
• "Beauty and a Beat" ... A former Jam of the Week with the poetic beauty of a wiener/Selena rhyme that more than explains why it's on this list.  #RIPJelena #AreTheyBackTogether? #LostAllTrack
•  "Overboard" ... So I'm not exactly sure what purpose this song serves, as a studio version has never been released, and we must make do with a live recording. But the fact that this a DUET WITH MILEY CYRUS makes it worth copious amounts of listens.

Beyoncé (Cunted on February 13, 2013)

•  "Irreplaceable" ... Who doesn't love this song? To the left, to the left. Mm, you tell him, girl! I'm not sure why she ever went on to record a Spanish version of the song, but the fact that she did just cements its universal popularity.
• "Halo" ... While Bey is far from an angel, this song is sweet and catchy. And remember when Glee mashed it up with "Walking on Sunshine"? Genius!
• "Check On It" ... Anybody who saw The Pink Panther knows what's up here. This was one of the first songs I ever put on my iPod, so it holds sentimental and nostalgic value for me.

Chris Brown (Cunted on March 27, 2013)

• "With You" ... Before he was a woman-beater who went on Twitter rants, assaulted the paparazzi, and threw television sets out of windows, Chris Brown was adorable and sweet, and "Forever" proves it. (And cue teenage girls who say things like "chris brown is so hawt i'd let him beat on me"... now.)
• "Look at Me Now" ... This song was shocking when it first came out. Chris Brown raps? Well, he does it well, or at least fast, here and I find it all very exciting!
• "Forever"... Vintage Breezy is the best, as far as he's concerned at least. I like to listen to this song while chewing Doublemint gum.

Lady Gaga (Cunted on April 17, 2013)

•  "The Edge of Glory" ... When Lady Gagme isn't trying to shove a rainbow flag down my throat whilst sporting an unflattering dress made of Kermit the Frog dolls, I can sort of see why people like her. "The Edge of Glory" is a fun and, dare I say, epic jam.
• "Paparazzi" ... The only thing better than this song is its music video, which features Alexander Skarsgard mmm.
• "Dance in the Dark" ... Always the champion for the underdog, Lady Gaga sings about self-conscious girls who like to have sex with the lights off. It's an interesting topic, one that I'm glad she explored, because the result was an irresistable jam.

The Pussycat Dolls (Cunted on May 8, 2013)

• "Jai Ho! (You Are My Destinty)" ... I've never seen Slumdog Millionaire, but I know that this song is originally from the film. Nevertheless, the Pussycat Dolls' version is so flawless that I'm sure it's better than the movie's.
• "I Hate This Part" ... One of my favorite musical themes is one in which the singer can sense the end of a relationship coming and go into denial. That's exactly what happens in this song and it's fucking genius. Stay pressed that this isn't your song.
• "Don't Cha" ... Who would I even be if I didn't include this song? It put the girl group on the map and has one of the most irresistible hooks of the 21st century: "Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me/Don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me." Classic.

And there you have it: proof that even the worst of cunts *coughcough*Rihanna*cough* can produce some thrilling songs. So don't be surprised if you see some of these singers' work as a Jam of the Week in the future!

30 Reasons Why You're Not a True Britney Fan

She smells posers.

In today's world, it's hard to tell who's genuine and who's fake as fuck. One of the most colorful illustrations of this struggle is with the Britney fan. Obviously, you suck at life if you aren't a fan of the Queen of Pop. The trouble is, however, some people only pretend to be fans of Britney in order to avoid public persecution. What about YOU? Do you have what it takes to be a true fan, or are you just a poser? Let's see.

You are not a true Britney fan if...

1. Your favorite Britney song is "...Baby One More Time", "Oops!... I Did It Again", "Lucky", or "Toxic". If any of those are your favorite song, you are so basic and uninspired, it's embarrassing.
2. You didn't support her during the Dark Ages (2006-2008).
3. You have ever called yourself a little monster.
4. "My Only Wish (This Year)" is not one of your holiday music staples.
5. You don't acknowledge Blackout and Femme Fatale as not only her strongest albums, but some of the best albums of all time.
6. You try to insinuate that ...Baby One More Time is her best album to date.
7. You're unaware that Rihanna's "S&M" didn't go to #1 until Britney did the remix.
8. You've never been to a Britney Spears concert.
9. You've never seen The X Factor.
10. You don't know which music video the red jumpsuit is from. (It's "Oops!" in case you're one of them basic bitches.)
11. Your tumblr dashboard isn't full of Britney gifs.
12. You don't understand the importance of Starbucks, Cheetos, vanilla-scented candles, and Adele as they pertain to Britney.
13. You don't know who Jason Trawick is.
14. You took Justin Timberlake's side during the break-up.
15. You don't get the "Radar" joke.
16. You didn't even know there was a "Radar" joke until you read #15.
17. You think "Hit Me Baby One More Time" and "Dancing Till the World Ends" are the full titles of two of her songs.
18. You've ever been Team Christina.
19. You think she's a bad role model.
20. You think she's a bad mother.
21. The song title "Rebellion" means nothing to you.
22. You don't know who Sabi is.
23. You've never seen Crossroads.
24. You can't say which song "It's Britney, bitch" comes from.
25. You don't acknowledge the Madonna-Britney kiss as a passing of the torch from the former Queen of Pop to the current.
26. You don't know what "If U Seek Amy" means.
27. You didn't know that Rihanna's "Umbrella" and Lady Gaga's "Telephone" were both originally written for Britney, but she turned that shit down.
28. You don't think that December 2 should be a national holiday and Kentwood, Louisiana a national landmark.
29. You think "Soda Pop" is fun, catchy, and totally classic Britney.
30. You think The Original Doll is a nickname for whoever established The Pussycat Dolls.

There you have it. Thirty reasons why you may not be a true Britney fan. If you can say with absolute certainty that nothing on that list applies to you, congrats! Welcome to the family. However, if even one item describes you in the least bit, you can just go hang your head in shame. Ain't nobody got time for you.

Cunt of the Week: Christina Aguilera

Too dirrty to clean my act up.

A wise man, aka me, once said that Christina Aguilera was "like the lovechild of Snooki and Miss Piggy." The singer, whose song "Your Body" is a former Jam of the Week, is an atrocity. The anti-Britney, and therefore the anti-Christ, has been cunting it up for fucking ever. Well guess what, bitch? The genie's out of the bottle. Because today, you're officially the Cunt of the Week.

How cute! Well, everyone except for Christina.

Christina began poisoning the minds of innocent Americans in 1991 when she joined The Mickey Mouse Club alongside Justin Timberlake, Ryan Gosling, and the legendary Miss Britney Spears. Even as a child she was a major pain in everyone's ass and she earned the nickname "the Diva" on set. Sure, they said it was because of her amazing vocal talents, but we all know it's because she was cunting it up like no other. Luckily, she faded into obscurity when the show was cancelled three years later. That is, until...

In 1998, Aguilera was so desperate for work that she had no choice but to go to her former employer, the Walt Disney Company. They were all like, "Not this bitch again." But she was like, "Yeah, I'm back" and forced them to let her sing "Reflection" for the film Mulan. Had they known that the song would launch Xtina into super stardom, I bet the Disney execs wouldn't have let her sing it. But we cannot prevent what we cannot predict.

Luckily, Britney Spears was beginning her own singing career at the same time (although she didn't have to go through Disney to do it). And while Britney was perfecting her adorably sexy Lolita act, Christina was just being a blunt slut with songs like "Genie in a Bottle" and "What a Girl Wants", in which she begged for us to rub all up on her barely-legal body.

It's called being a cunt.

But even that wasn't trashy enough for Floptina, as she made a point to re-invent her image and become an even bigger whore. Her song "Dirrty" (because two r's are better than one) became her life motto, and the world was subjected to an entire era of cuntitude. But don't worry, because she assured everybody that "I'm not just another bimbo."

It was around this time that everybody stopped caring about Christina. Did you know that Madonna kissed Xtina during the same performance in which she infamously locked lips with Britney Spears? Probably not. Nobody does.

Soon enough, however, Christina was bored again and realized that people don't respond well when she basically gives blowjobs on stage. So she decided to class up her act by becoming a Marilyn Monroe wannabe. I fully and solely blame Christina for launching this generation of girls' belief that Marilyn Monroe is the most inspirational woman who ever lived and for allowing said girls to think that if they post the same fucking MM quote in their Facebook status as someone else did ten minutes before, it somehow makes them special and deep.

In the past three years, Christina has released two albums: Bionic and Lotus. Never heard of them? Yeah, there's a reason. They're awful and they sold like four copies each. During this time, she somehow found some sucker to marry and father her child, got a divorce, fucked up the national anthem at the Super Bowl, got arrested for being drunk as fuck in public, embarrassed herself to no-end as the pressed judge on The Voice, and pretended to be an actress in Burlesque.

It's not secret that Christina has always been a cunt, and I'm thankful that people are finally starting to catch on. It gives me great pleasure to award her Cunt of the Week. I'll leave you with this. In her song "Beautiful", Christina sings "words can't bring you down." But damn, has she definitely tried! Click here to take a look at all the celebrities she's dissed and all the ones who have recounted the nasty things she's done to them!

Jam of the Week: "Your Body" by Christina Aguilera

If you were to look up the definition of "pressed" in the Tommy dictionary, you'd find a picture of Christina Aguilera. Not the dirrty Xtina, but the Floptina who looks like the lovechild of Snooki and Miss Piggy. She is so unbelievably basic that something tells me she might be Cunt of the Week soon.

But cunts can have jams, and oh, is "Your Body" a jam! After spending the past few years of her career flopping hardcore, Christina is back with a vengeance, and she's abandoned her former need to be different. In this song, there's very little that sets her apart from the dozens of other pop stars releasing dance floor anthems, and that's exactly how I like it! To hell with originality and individuality! #AllForOne

"Your Body" is particularly enjoyable because you don't need to know too many words. "All I want to do/Is love your body/Ooooooohhh/Tonight's your lucky night/I know you want it/Ooooooohhh," our songstress sings. While part of me is sad the lyrics aren't "fuck your body," which I swore I heard upon my first listening experience, I can deal. Sometimes you gotta think of the kids. Not that I ever do, but at least she does.

What makes this song even better is the music video, which showcases Christina in her natural habitat: various white trash locations, including a cheap motel, a seedy bar, and a trailer park. It's always nice to see celebrities returning to their roots. The music video also lots of colors and I like colors.

So while Christina may be a raging cunt, and while she'll never be Britney Spears, she sure knows how to release a good jam! Hope you enjoy, and remember: always love your body. (See, there are so many layers to this song, including a message about positive body image!)