Things Tommy Loves and Hates #8

Once again, the Queen gets it.

Thing I Love #8: Fictional Love Triangles

Is there anything more delicious than when you're favorite characters are engulfed in a love triangle? I personally loved when two housewives were duking it out for the same Wisteria Lane hottie. Or when Bill and Eric (and everybody else, apparently) fights to the death for Sooki's fairy vagina. And I won't even go into the dissertation-worthy beauty that is the Brenda/Dylan/Kelly saga of Beverly Hills, 90210.

Thing I Hate #8: People Who Can't Spell "Prerogative"

Yes, it's a tricky word. And yes, I tend to hate most typos. But this one drives me absolutely nuts. It may be your pRerogative to spell shit wrong, but don't do it on my time.

Bitch of the Week: Pam from True Blood

Bitches live forever.

In anticipation of True Blood's triumphant return to television this weekend, I'm giving Bitch of the Week to none other than Pam, who brings her own vampirical sass to Bon Temps. For those of you that are too lily-livered to watch the sexy goriness of True Blood and don't know what it's about, the show follows a Louisiana community plagued with vampires, fairies, witches, werewolves, and other supernatural creatures.

Back in 1905, Pam was the madame of a San Francisco brothel. One night, she fell in love with Eric Northman, a vampire who saved her life. Fearing life as an old ex-whore, Pam attempted suicide so that Eric would turn her into one of his own. And it worked. (Classic bitch manipulation. Love it!)

Hot damn! ASkar in a top hot.

So those are pretty much the first few reasons why Pam is a grade-A bitch. Not only was she a sassy prostitute, but she managed to steal the heart of Eric, who's played by the most beautiful specimen in the world, Alexander Skarsgård. And that was just at the turn of the century! Naturally, in the 100+ years that followed, Pam bitched it up in countless ways for generations of mortals.

As Eric's right-hand woman and occasional lover, she helps him run Fangtasia, a popular vampire bar. It's a job she does well, but that doesn't mean she does it with much enthusiasm. You see, Pam's view on life is to be sarcastic, demeaning, and rude to almost everyone. This is especially true when Eric starts falling for some basic, irrelevant, gap-toothed, mind-reading fairy/waitress named Sookie. Let's look at some examples:

• On Sookie: "I am so over Sookie and her precious fairy vagina and her unbelievably stupid name."
• On the importance of deadlines: "I'll give you 24 hours to deliver that witch to me, and if you don't, I'll personally fuck, eat, and kill all three of you."
• On being a good friend: "I don't know what it is about me that makes people think I want to hear their problems. Maybe I smile too much. Maybe I wear too much pink. But please remember I can rip your throat out if I need to."
• On girl power: "Did I miss something? Are we girls now? Did we join a book club and read some queer chick lit memoirs and are bound together by estrogen or sisterhood or some other feminist drivel?"
• On redheads: "Don't play games with me, you little ginger bitch."
• On team work: "I'm wearin' a Walmart sweatsuit for y'all. If that is not a demonstration of team spirit, I don't know what is."
• On witches: "Let me kill this uppity Wiccan cunt."

Thank God True Blood is on HBO, so bitches like Pam don't have to abide by the restraints of television censorship and we can enjoy them in all their glory.

And there you have it. Thankfully Pam is a vampire and will live for posterity, so the world, albeit a fictional one, can enjoy her sass for ever.

This should be the mantra for all BoWs.

Tommy Picks 20 Things to Get Over for 2013

The epitome of what to get over for 2013. And yes, this
picture is recent.

With the new year rapidly approaching and everybody deluding themselves into thinking they'll actually make some kind of major change to their lives, I think it's time to establish what we all need to just be over by the time 2013 is here. I've compiled a list of such things.

1.  Gangnam Style. Not sure why this was ever a thing, but let's just chalk it up to one of the several mistakes humanity blindly committed in 2012.
2. Taylor Swift. And whoever she's dating.
3. Yolo. If I hear it again, your one life won't last for much longer.
4. Your ex. Holy shit, I don't want to hear it anymore.
5. The world ending. I'm not putting up with this "Oh, now the world is gonna end in 2015" bullshit! The world didn't end. We're all still here. Hooray. Now shut the fuck up already!
6. Fifty Shades of Grey. Totally over it. Was never into it.
7. Rihanna. She'll likely release 3 new albums and countless singles this next year. Let's not give her any more #1s, okay? Similarly, she and Chris Brown will probably break-up and make-up 14 times. Let's not care, okay?
8. Pinterest. Face it, you're not as healthy, skinny, active, interesting, fashionable, funny, or unique as you think you are.
9. Vampires. With the Twilight saga finally behind us, let's finally abolish vampires from pop culture and end this morbid and nonsensical obsession with bloodsuckers once and for all. (Note: This does not apply to True Blood. That will forever be the only exception.)
10. Lindsay Lohan. Personal note to Lilo: Let's try not to get arrested this year.
11. "Call Me Maybe". It's not funny anymore.
12. Emma Watson. What the fuck, you guys. She's not that great.
13. Channing Tatum. For the same reasons as #12.
14. Honey Boo Boo. Remember when reality television was dominated by the Kardashians and a band of pregnant teenagers (sometimes, it was hard to tell the difference between the two.) Let's bring that back!
15. Miley Cyrus' hair. She's just being Miley!
16. Celebrity sex tapes. Unless this is one featuring Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively, no one cares.
17. "Jennifer Aniston's pregnant with Brad's triplets! Shocking details of the affair and her marriage to Justin to cover it up! Plus, what Courteney Cox has to say about it!" No.
18. Obama's nationality.
19. Singing competition shows. Unless Britney is a judge.
20. The Royal Family.

So there you have it. This year, don't make your New Year's resolution some diet or personal growth you can't possibly achieve; rather, vow to get over everything on this list. Then maybe, just maybe, there will peace on Earth at last.