A Few Thoughts on the Oscars

Doin' it with class.

There's no way you don't know that the Oscars were last night. Even if you weren't aware of the ceremony itself, you sure as hell know it by another name, such as "OMG ADELE IS AMAZING! LOVE HER!" or "lol Jennifer fell! Aww she is so genuine!" But you haven't heard about the Oscars until you've heard my opinion on the grand affair. So let's jump right into it, shall we?

Snaps for Seth
Seth MacFarlane was an awesome host. Why the creator of some of TV's trashiest shows was asked to host the most prestigious award show in the industry, I'm not sure, but I was genuinely impressed with him. He wasn't roll-on-the-floor funny, and despite people's constant bitching, I think his jokes were tamer than they should could have been. Was I the only one who enjoyed the boob song? And he was looking pretty sharp in that tux of his. And that VOICE! From the creator of Family Guy?! Who knew!

It's about time someone called out Kate Winslet.

Kristen Stewart Crawls Out from Beneath Her Bridge
UMMMM. Who the hell invited Kristen Stewart? Better yet, why was Bella Swan presenting an award with Harry Potter? The second I saw KStew hobble on stage with her bedhead, I hoped people would start booing her. Remember when she was the most hated woman in America because she was a homewrecking whore? I guess now she's forgiven and can roll into the Oscars like its a casual Tuesday night trip to Walmart.

Innumerable tributes to Chicago
I realize that the theme of the Oscars was Music in Film, but I was pretty much done with the tributes to Chicago by number two. Yeah, yeah, it's a great film and one of the best musicals ever blah blah blah. Aren't there other musicals from years past to showcase? Better yet, shouldn't they focus on the music in this year's films?

Speaking of Chicago...

Nicole Kidman called. She wants her face back.

Get out of here, Renée Zellweger! You're drunk!
Seriously, this bitch was on horse tranquilizers. What the fuck was wrong with her? Not only did she look like a melted Sour Pouch Kid, but she could barely stand up straight and refused to read the winners. TWICE. Holy fuck.

Brave as Best Animated Film
Alright. Guess the Academy has decided to start recognizing utter shit as fine cinema. Whatever. 

The crack about the Kardashians
No.

The crack about Rihanna and Chris Brown
Yes.

Robert Downey, Jr. liked it.

Quentin Tarantino Thanks Himself
Not unlike Kristen Stewart, Quentin Tarantino looked like he came to the event hungover from his bachelor party. He then proceeded to basically only thank himself during his acceptance speech for Best Original Screenplay. (Special shout out to Jamie Foxx's facial expression while Tarantino basically shat on him and the other Django Unchained actors.) I'm not sure if I really hated the speech or really loved it. TBD that shit.

Jennifer Takes a Tumble
Mmhmm! That's what I'm talking about. JLaw continued being her awesome self by falling down on her way to accept her Oscar. But the best was yet to come. Her interviews with the press afterwards are gems. Watch them if you haven't.

Forever immortalized.

Anne Hathaway Continues to Annoy the Living Shit Out of Me
"It came true," Anne Hathaway said wistfully before thanking a laundry list of people while she accepted the award for Best Supporting Actress. From that moment on, I knew my hatred for her would grow by at least 50% by the end of her speech. And it did. When she started talking about the plights of her fictional character and relating it to the real world, I was done.

Adele Underwhelms But Makes Up for It
Eh. I mean, yeah her voice is amazing. And she's a vocalist, not a performer. But she looked bored up there on stage. I'm not asking her do full-blown choreography or anything, but she could have at least looked like she was having fun. But when she won her Oscar and was really adorable during her speech, or lack thereof, she was forgiven.

Hugh Jackman
Always right.

Little Girl from Beasts of the Southern Wild
Quvenzhané Wallis, it was cute the first time you cheered for yourself. But the second time? #overit

She dgafs about my opinion. And that's fine.

Michelle? Girl, whatchu doin?
Like most, I was really confused when Michelle Obama basically took over the Oscars at the end. She's awesome, for sure. But, like... why? Am I right?

Kristen Chenoweth 
It should be a golden rule that you cannot, CANNOT, have an awards show without Kristen Chenoweth. I loved her and Seth's musical number at the end as they tried to lift the spirits of the losers. But the whole time I was thinking about how that was rehearsed... So they must have known who won (or, who didn't win) before the show took place, right?

And there you have it. The best and the worst of the Oscars. If there's anything we can take from this, it's that Seth MacFarlane should host again next year, Anne Hathaway should retire, and Renée Zellweger should be in rehab.

Happy Valentine's Day! Tommy Picks the Best Celebrity Couples!

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone! I hope that your day is filled with merriment and romance. If you're like me, however, it won't be. For those of us who are single, there are two ways to handle this day of PDA: (1) be completely bitter and probably shave off two years of your life by being so depressed, or (2) admire super fun celebrity couples who just get it. Since Tommy Time is all about positivity (lol jk), I'm going with the second choice.

Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie
Rihanna & Chris Brown
Taylor Swift & [Fill in the blank]

Ha, just kidding. I couldn't resist. Okay, time to get real.

Any couple that brings Fred and Daphne to life
definitely deserves to be on this list.

Sarah Michelle Gellar & Freddie Prinze, Jr.
As we all well know, Hollywood and successful marriages rarely go hand in hand; however, Sarah Michelle Gellar and Freddie Prinze, Jr. have proven that it can be done. The couple met in 1997 while filming I Know What You Did Last Summer and have been inseparable since. They married in 2002, have appeared in four films together, including the Scooby Doo movies, and have two children, Charlotte and Rocky. How fun! I'm still waiting for a Cruel Intentions spin-off in which Kathryn is still turning tricks with her unsuspecting husband (played but none other than her real-life hubby).

Holler for a dollar.

Emma Stone & Andrew Garfield
Mm. Love these two! Ever since playing onscreen lovers in The Amazing Spider-Man, Emma Stone and Andrew Garfield have been the golden couple of young Hollywood. They're both talented, beautiful, and one of them is British! So this shit betta be foreva. Emma and Andrew are nothing but adorable, as they enjoy interrupting each other's E! News interviews and promoting charity while being stalked by the paparazzi (see above).

Surprisingly hard to find a good photo of
these two.

Ellen DeGeneres & Portia de Rossi
Remember when Ellen was a lesbian? Well, she still is! And she's still with her wife, Portia de Rossi. I'm not terribly familiar with Portia's acting resume, but we all know that Ellen is a barrel of fucking laughs and deserves a lifetime of happiness for bringing us daytime TV watchers such joy over the years. They're going on their fifth year of marriage and there's no doubt that their love will continue for many more decades. But not too many; did you know Ellen and Portia are 55 and 40, respectively? Damn. 

Not exactly representative of their love, but
I find the photograph fun to look at.

Blake Lively & Ryan Reynolds
The inclusion of Blake and Ryan on this list is quite precarious, I'll admit. After all, it wasn't that long ago that I was predicting their hush-hush marriage wouldn't last. But that was just wishful thinking on my part. Ryan Reynolds makes my list any day of the week, and Blake, dumb as she is, gets brownie points for being a major player in the Gossip Girl legacy. But they are SO ATTRACTIVE and SO PRIVATE (six months and still no wedding photos?!) that they deserve a long, healthy marriage.

Murica.

The Obamas
I usually avoid political stuff because who wants to read about that shit whilst checking out the latest Cunt of the Week? But I felt the need to be a little patriotic. After all, what list is complete without the President and First Lady repping America up in this bitch? It's so neat that they can be, like, really political and stuff but also be super fun. Somehow I don't think the Romneys would have pulled it off as well.

Reppin' the gays.

Neil Patrick Harris & David Burtka
With Neil Patrick Harris being as omnipresent as he is, it seemed foolish not to include him on this list. The How I Met Your Mother star has been with his partner David Burtka since 2004 and they are the fathers of twins Gideon and Harper. (If I ever met them in person, one of my first questions would be, "Why did you name your kids that?...") Small disagreements aside, Neil and David are definitely one of the best couples out there. If their constant appearances at every award show on earth means anything, it's that they have a long road together ahead of them!

Are they or aren't they?

Bonus: Leighton Meester & Adam Brody
This shit is hot off the presses, y'all! Earlier this month, the media went cray with reports that Leighton Meester and Adam Brody, who starred together in The Oranges, have been dating "for weeks." I'm a fan of both actors and this makes SO MUCH SENSE for them to be hook up that I'm almost kicking myself for not thinking of it earlier! Not much is known about their relationship, or if the reports are even true to begin with, but let's all suspend our disbelief for the sake of Saint Valentine or whoever the fuck this holiday is named for and pray that Leighton and Adam are indeed an item!

This list may be a little biased, and there are certainly other celebrity couples who are just as deserving of a spot on this prestigious compilation as the rest of 'em, but that's not important. What we should all take away from this is that if you're single this Valentine's Day, it's okay! Live vicariously through the beautiful love stories I have just told you. And if you're in a relationship, check yourself, okay? Because whatever you have will NEVER measure up to these seven couples.

Tommy Picks 20 Things to Get Over for 2013

The epitome of what to get over for 2013. And yes, this
picture is recent.

With the new year rapidly approaching and everybody deluding themselves into thinking they'll actually make some kind of major change to their lives, I think it's time to establish what we all need to just be over by the time 2013 is here. I've compiled a list of such things.

1.  Gangnam Style. Not sure why this was ever a thing, but let's just chalk it up to one of the several mistakes humanity blindly committed in 2012.
2. Taylor Swift. And whoever she's dating.
3. Yolo. If I hear it again, your one life won't last for much longer.
4. Your ex. Holy shit, I don't want to hear it anymore.
5. The world ending. I'm not putting up with this "Oh, now the world is gonna end in 2015" bullshit! The world didn't end. We're all still here. Hooray. Now shut the fuck up already!
6. Fifty Shades of Grey. Totally over it. Was never into it.
7. Rihanna. She'll likely release 3 new albums and countless singles this next year. Let's not give her any more #1s, okay? Similarly, she and Chris Brown will probably break-up and make-up 14 times. Let's not care, okay?
8. Pinterest. Face it, you're not as healthy, skinny, active, interesting, fashionable, funny, or unique as you think you are.
9. Vampires. With the Twilight saga finally behind us, let's finally abolish vampires from pop culture and end this morbid and nonsensical obsession with bloodsuckers once and for all. (Note: This does not apply to True Blood. That will forever be the only exception.)
10. Lindsay Lohan. Personal note to Lilo: Let's try not to get arrested this year.
11. "Call Me Maybe". It's not funny anymore.
12. Emma Watson. What the fuck, you guys. She's not that great.
13. Channing Tatum. For the same reasons as #12.
14. Honey Boo Boo. Remember when reality television was dominated by the Kardashians and a band of pregnant teenagers (sometimes, it was hard to tell the difference between the two.) Let's bring that back!
15. Miley Cyrus' hair. She's just being Miley!
16. Celebrity sex tapes. Unless this is one featuring Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively, no one cares.
17. "Jennifer Aniston's pregnant with Brad's triplets! Shocking details of the affair and her marriage to Justin to cover it up! Plus, what Courteney Cox has to say about it!" No.
18. Obama's nationality.
19. Singing competition shows. Unless Britney is a judge.
20. The Royal Family.

So there you have it. This year, don't make your New Year's resolution some diet or personal growth you can't possibly achieve; rather, vow to get over everything on this list. Then maybe, just maybe, there will peace on Earth at last.