Tommy Picks 20 Things to Look Forward to in 2014

Happy New Year, everyone! As we herald in 2014, and hopefully get over everything that was wrong with last year, it's important that we embrace what lies ahead. After all, there's so much to look forward to in 2014, like...

1. Orange Is the New Black. Was last season's cliffhanger juicy or what?
2. Carrie Underwood's fifth album. There's no confirmation of a 2014 release, but the Queen of Country has said that her post-Sound of Music days will be devoted to working on new material.
3. The Hunger Games: Mocking Jay - Part I. Hopefully it continues the pattern and is even better than Catching Fire.
4. Possible reunions. The possibilities are endless and the rumors are rampant. I'd love to see fabulous reunions for Mean Girls, Desperate Housewives, Beverly Hills, 90210, and, of course, Friends.
5. Lea Michele's debut album.
6. Lana Del Rey's third album, UltraViolence.
7. Maleficent. It may star a former Cunt of the Week, and the trailer may have been disappointing, but everybody loves a Disney fairytale turned on its side!
8. Second rate Disney stars' return to music. 2013 was the year of Miley, Selena, and Demi. If rumors and vague statements are to be believed, 2014 may be the year of Ashley Tisdale and Hilary Duff.
9. Britney: Piece of Me. Vegas, here I come!
10. Noah. Even though I'm not really into Biblical stuff.
11. Darren Criss' debut album.
12. Girls. And Looking, which is touted as the Girls for gays.
13. The Amazing Spider-Man 2. Superhero films may bore me, but the first film in the Spider-Man reboot series was good enough to leave me wanting more. Plus I love me some Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone!
14. Pretty Little Liars. Now that we now EzrA's little secret, things are about to heat up!
15. The Muppets Most Wanted.
16. Seeing if the Superbowl is rescheduled because of snow.
17. Serena. This mysterious Depression-era film, which once again pairs Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence, has been quietly shelved many times, but will finally see its release this April. That doesn't bode well for its quality, but I'm still intrigued.
18. The inevitable break-up of One Direction's Zayn Malik and his fiancée Perrie Edwards. I will NOT let them get married.
19. Big Hero 6. It will be interesting to see how Disney animation handles superheroes.
20. Most importantly, all'a dis.

2013: A Year in Review

As we close out another year, it's important to celebrate the past twelve months we've spent with Tommy Time. Without further ado, here are your Jam of the Year, Cunt of the Year, and Bitch of the Year for 2013, as voted by you faithful readers...

Jam of the Year

It's no surprise that One Direction takes home the title, but it's puzzling that their new singles "Best Song Ever" and "Story of My Life", which were both nominated, were beat out by this album cut. Still, "Rock Me" is an epic and timeless jam full of thinly-veiled sexual innuendos. Doing us dirty proud, boys!

Cunt of the Year

Lady Gaga is, without a doubt, the biggest cunt in the music industry. Thankfully, you all recognized it. Together, we saw through the elaborate makeup, meat dresses, and equality anthems and saw this mediocre song-stealer for what she truly is. May all of Artpop's commercial and critical shortcomings haunt Lady Gag-me for all eternity.

Bitch of the Year

It's with an almost prohibitive reluctance that I thrust this honorable title among Jennifer Lawrence. As the comments on her Bitch of the Week post indicate, many readers fail to understand that the title is a sacred and celebratory one. Thus, I have no idea how those who voted for JLaw actually feel about her. That issue aside, Jennifer's saucy attitude and legend-in-the-making status are more than enough to secure the title. Well done!

And now, just for the sake of nostalgia, here are the most-viewed Tommy Time posts from 2013.

1. Where Are They Now?: Christy Carlson Romano
2. 20 Things You Didn't Know About Beverly Hills, 90210
3. Cunt of the Week: Justin Bieber
4. Bitch of the Week: Jennifer Lawrence
5. 20 Things You Didn't Know About Friends
6. Where Are They Now?: Lalaine
7. Bitch of the Week: Daisy Duck
8. Demi Lovato: Not a Cunt, Not Yet a Bitch
9. This or That: Selena Gomez vs. Demi Lovato
10. Go Call the Po-Lice! Go Call the Guv-uh-nuh! BRITNEY IS BACK TO WORK, BITCH!!!

Tommy Picks the Best Albums of 2013

As we barrel into 2014, it's important to look back on the previous year before we close the book on 2013 forever. In the last twelve months, we've gotten some tantalizing music (#jamsfordays) and I took the time to rank the 10 Best Albums of 2013. Avid Tommy Time readers shouldn't be surprised by the rankings at all.

Click through the slideshow to see if your favorite made the cut!

Jam of the Week: "Story of My Life" by One Direction

One Direction is back, y'all! And this time, they're getting super emotional.

"Story of My Life" is the band's latest single, off their upcoming album Midnight Memories omgicantwait. I've always preferred their faster songs, but this mid-tempo jam is simply to die for.

The song is all about that extra baggage we carry around and how the ones we love might not be able to handle it. It's deeper and more cynical than their previous work. Our boys are growing up!

Enjoy the song AND the music video, which is adorable and sad at the same time.

Things Tommy Loves and Hates #8

Choice reading.

Thing I Love #8: Limited Edition Magazines

There's nothing more satisfying than when your favorite supermarket tabloid offers a limited edition issue, usually devoted to a film, TV show, or celebrity, to titillate your inner fan boy/girl. They're usually full of fluffy interviews and fun pictures; rarely do they offer new insight, but it's still super fun.

This summer alone I picked up Us Weekly's special issues devoted to Pretty Little Liars and One Direction, but my love for these rare treats came in 2007 when People released its High School Musical 2 special.

Thing I Hate #8: Greek Life

Sorry, but I'm not at all sorry! I fucking hate Greek life and everything it stands for. When I first came to college, I had no problem with it whatsoever, but I knew it wasn't for me. But as I grew to realize how monstrous it is, I've become completely intolerant of it.

That said, I only take issue with the institution, not the people in it. That said, some of the worst people I have ever had the displeasure of meeting are in Greek life. THAT said, some of my dearest friends are in Greek life. It's a mixed bag for sure. But as a whole, the bag fucking sucks.

A Few Thoughts on the MTV Music Video Awards

This week, on "Hannah Montana"...

This year's MTV VMAs had everything. Miley Cyrus made everybody unformfortable. Lady Gaga gave everybody nightmares. And Taylor Swift told One Direction and their fans to shut the fuck up. If you're ready to get fucked in the brain, keep reading...

Chuck E. Cheese gone wild.

Miley's Just Being Miley... And the Smith Family Isn't Having It

Miley Cyrus was certainly blurring lines of basic human decency when she performed not only her hit "We Can't Stop", by also accompanied Robin Thicke on "Blurred Lines". And nobody thought it was more ratchet than Will Smith and his children.

"We Can't Stop"? No, you can stop now. Thanks.

And They Weren't The Only Ones

Here are some other audience reactions to Miley's performance.

Rihanna and One Direction are unimpressed.

And Drake is bored as hell.

But Don't Worry, That Didn't Stop Miley from Doing This...

Foam finger genitalia are totally in.

Here's the Full Performance, Because Everybody Should See It

Holy shit, it's like calm the fuck down. "We Can't Stop" is supposed to be a laid back (gross people might even say "chill") song. I don't need you screaming and twerking with fucking giant pink teddy bears. You're also not black, or a man, so yes, you can indeed fucking stop.

Get More: 2013 VMA, Artists.MTV, Music, Miley Cyrus

I Am Katy, Here Me Roar

I was under the impression that Katy Perry wasn't a strong live performer, but she rocked her first performance of her new hit "Roar". Wtf is a lady gaga?

Meanwhile, Lady Gaga Continues to Do Weird Shit Like This

I fucking hate her.

Macklemore Gets a Special Introduction

Even though I'm sick to fucking death of Macklemore's "Same Love", you gotta appreciate the message. And having Jason Collins, the first openly gay NBA star, introduce the song is a nice touch.

'N Sync Reunites... But It Sucks

Justin Timberlake (or the President of Pop, as we're apparently calling him) received the Michael Jackson Video Vangaurd Award, which is just the VMA's pretentious way of saying lifetime achievement aware. (Britney already won it, tbh...) And he performed a beautiful 17-minute long medley of his biggest hits, which of course took us back to 'N Sync. Lance Bass and all the other ones nobody cares about joined Justin on stage for about a minute or two to perform a half-assed version of "Bye Bye Bye". All over the world, 90s children were disappointed.

This is pretty much how long 'N Sync was on stage for.

Taylor Tells Directioners to Shut the Fuck Up

No, this is not a joke. While ex Harry Styles and the rest of One Direction were on stage presenting an award, the crowd went crazy. Taylor's reaction?

Shame on you, Miss Swift!

Why is Selena friends with this bitch again?

A Few Thoughts on the Teen Choice Awards

I could cry at this glory.

The Teen Choice Awards are my absolute jam, simply because they pay tribute to the glossy, trashy pop culture that I find so appealing. This year's ceremony was especially enticing, for a myriad of reasons, which I will get into after the jump! #TearsForLeaAhead

Hosted by Teen Royalty
Fucking holla for whoever came up will the totally brill idea of having Darren Criss and Lucy Hale host the Teen Choice Awards. I can't think of a more attractive and charismatic pair of hosts, and I definitely think they should date each other (lest Darren come out of the closet and make all my dreams come true).

Harry Styles Gives Miley a Run for Her Money
Miley Cyrus may have been one of the first major celebrities to twerk what she's got, but it's clear that One Direction's Harry Styles is the true master of the art form.

Whistle while you twerk.

Rebel Wilson Rebels Against the Censors

Rebel Wilson is pretty much always flawless, and continued to be so when she accepted her award for Choice Comedy Movie Actress in a wetsuit. But the best part was when girlfriend made the following joke: "You know what's weird? When I found out that there was a band called One Direction, because that's the name I also gave my a--hole." Priceless.

Next year's host?

Demi Salutes the Stars and Stripes
"Made In the USA" is definitely one of the best jams off of Demi's most recent album, so I was so excited to hear her perform it live. Not only did she kill it, but she was assisted by drummer Nick Jonas, who has spent these past few Disney-free years solidifying his hunk status.

Ashton Kutcher Redefines Sexy... Literally
The always arrogant but always delicious Ashton Kutcher was the recipient of the Ultimate Choice Award, which he joked was "the grandpa award." While giving his tips for success, he said: "The sexiest thing in the entire world is being really smart, and being thoughtful, and being generous. Everything else is crap, I promise you! It's just crap that people try to sell to you to make you feel like less, so don't buy it." #PreachIt

  
Miley Cyrus Practically Strip Teases Before Accepting Her Award
When Miley won Choice Summer Song for "We Can't Stop", she apparently thought she was allowed to take her time. Not only does she drag little sis Noah on stage with her, but Miley danced for her fans before finally slinking her way to the mic to accept the award. It's hard to believe that only 4 years ago, she was pole dancing to "Party in the USA" at the 2009 Teen Choice Awards.

Lea Michele Dedicates Her Award to Cory
Making her first public appearance since Cory Monteith's death last month, Lea Michele accepted her award for Choice TV Actress in a Comedy. Not only did she look great, but she bravely and beautifully sang the praises of her late boyfriend, and I'll bet there wasn't a dry eye in the house!

It was a night of laughs, tears, and wtf's. But it was beautiful.

Jam of the Week: "Best Song Ever" by One Direction

In anticipation of their new 3D concert movie (seeing it!), One Direction just released "Best Song Ever", which very well may be their best song ever. #TotallyMeta

What's even better is the music video, in which the 1D boys show off their Oscar-worthy acting chops. Zayn even crossdresses! It's a wonderful time for all. Enjoy!

Review: Demi by, Well, Demi Lovato

"This time there's NO holding back," Demi Lovato tweeted in April 2012 as she began writing her fourth studio album. In the year that followed, the fallen Disney angel promised fans an ultra-autobiographical record. She even named the damn thing after herself, thus preparing the world for a musical shit storm of daddy issues, substance abuse, and self-harm.

Then, this past Monday, Demi encouraged fans to tweet the album's hashtagged song titles to unlock the tracks; the more they tweeted, the sooner the songs would arrive. Within two hours, Lovatics worldwide had officially unlocked Demi in its entirety, over a week before its official May 14 release date. Premature access to the album was definitely a gift from the gods, a refreshing pop splash in a rather dry spring of music releases. The album is fun and energetic, but one thing is evident right off that bat: it's not the introspective compilation the songstress made it out to be.

Of Demi's thirteen tracks, only the final two might be considered uniquely tailored to her personal life; on the stand-out track "Shouldn't Come Back", Demi sings about severing all ties with her negligent father, while "Warrior" clearly speaks to her experiences with bullying and low self esteem. Not every pop star has a bad relationship with her dad and a self confidence so low that she winds up in rehab for four months, so kudos to Demi for digging deep. The only problem? She's done both songs before on her last album: the former is thematically identical to "For the Love of a Daughter"; the latter is an instantly forgettable sequel to "Skyscraper".

And maybe that's not a bad thing. Demi's third album Unbroken might be her funnest, albeit her least cohesive. Its mosh pit of genres and heavy reliance on guest artists like Jason Derulo, Dev, and Timbaland may indicate a lack of any solid direction, but Unbroken successfully and tastefully differentiated the new, self-empowered Demi from her pre-rehab, "Sonny With a Chance" basic self.

Unfortunately, Demi doesn't continue on the same trajectory. As quite arguably the most underrated pop vocalist of our day, whose singing ability is frequently likened to that of Kelly Clarkson and Christina Aguilera, Demi sure limits herself to the Radio Disney scope. "Something That We're Not" sounds like a One Direction leftover and "Made in the USA" has Miley Cyrus' name written all over it, and not just because of her affinity for patriotic song titles. Even "Really Don't Care", a duet with Cher Lloyd, comes off as the kid sister to Icona Pop's "I Love It".

However, Demi still has a lot to recommend it. Its opening track "Heart Attack" is a former Jam of the Week, so you know that shit's legit. "Without the Love" and "Two Pieces" reaffirm Demi's status as a formidable pop star, and the aforementioned "Shouldn't Come Back" displays an emotional depth and vocal maturity that peers like Miley and Selena Gomez couldn't even begin to attempt.

Though Demi fails to take the singer forward in her musical journey, it proves to be a solid pop album. Those hoping for Taylor Swift-level personal details will be disappointed, but Lovatics will be more than satisfied, and Demi's impressive voice alone is enough to win over new converts.

Jam of the Week: "Rock Me" by One Direction

Mm. The first Jam of the Week of 2013 is by the boy band wonder One Direction, fresh off their latest album Take Me Home. What I love most about this song is its overtly sexual double entendre. I mean, with lyrics like "I want you to rock me, rock me, rock me, yeah/I want you to hit the pedal, heavy metal/Show me you care," what else could they mean? If that's enough to convince you, there's the bridge, in which they chant "R-O-C-K me again" like a billion times. It's all very "If U Seek Amy" meets "Rock Me In", two classic Britney jams. No wonder I love this song so much!

Tommy Picks 20 Things to Look Forward to in 2013

Ring it in!

Well, it's officially 2013. I've already posted a list of 20 things we need to get the fuck over as we leave 2012 behind. So now, on a more positive note, I've listed 20 things to look forward to for the next 12 months.

1. Britney Spears. Album 8. It's confirmed.
2. The Kimye Baby
3. Tina Fey and Amy Poehler hosting the Golden Globes
4. Oz: The Great and Powerful
5. 20-year high school reunion for the original Beverly Hills, 90210 gang. Make it happen. #TeamKelly
6. The Hunger Games: Catching Fire
7. The Miley Cyrus/Liam Hemsworth Wedding
8. One Direction's world tour. Am I going as of yet? No. Would I kill to go? Probably.
9. The return of Pretty Little Liars
10. The Man of Steel
11. Watching laughing at The Carrie Diaries as it falls flat on its ass
12. Gangster Squad. Love me some Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone!
13. Stricter gun control and gay marriage errywhere. (I know, serious things? #ugh)
14. Ryan Reynolds and anything he does.
15. Nicki Minaj and Mariah Carey catfights on American Idol
16. Seeing if Amanda Bynes' hit-and-runs outnumber Lindsay Lohan's arrests
17. Saving Mr. Banks. Tom Hanks plays Walt Disney. #sold
18. Albums 4 from Miley, Demi, Selena, and Hilary. Let's make it a fucking jam-packed year, ladies!
19. The Great Gatsby
20. Most importantly, this (hopefully) happening.

Happy New Year!!!

Tommy Picks 5 Singers Who Should Have Christmas Albums

In the midst of the 25 Days of Christmas countdown, it's important to acknowledge those truly amazing artists who don't have festive songs to bring us cheer during this holiday season. Here's a list of singers who I think need to release Christmas albums for the 2013 holiday season.

1, 2, 3 not only you and me.

1. The Legendary Miss Britney Spears
We're all aware of "My Only Wish (This Year)", Britney's holiday standard, as well as rumors that she planned to record a Christmas album back in the day, so what's wrong with praying that we someday get a super fun holiday album? Possible lyrics: "Santa's on the roof, the elves are jumping/In your lap the bass is pumping."

2. Lana Del Rey
It'd be such a treat to hear Lana Del Rey put her anti-feminist, damaged beauty queen persona against a winter wonderland backdrop. Possible lyrics: "Kiss me hard before you go/I got my red dress on/Under the mistletoe/In your Bugatti Veyron."

3. Nicki Minaj
As if I even need to explain the fucking epicness that would ensue if Her Minajesty hollered out some jingles. Possible lyrics: "I'm singing ho ho ho's/You fucking little hoes/Couldn't get a man if you was wearing mistletoes."

4. One Direction
Boy bands are back, bitches, and nobody would bring more tidings of comfort and joy than One Direction. Their Christmas album would combine my three greatest loves: the holidays, music geared towards tweens, and British culture. Possible lyrics: "This Christmas, I'm as cold as the snow/I see you with him and I can't let you go."

5. Ke$ha
What's Christmas without a little glitter? Quite simply, a Ke$ha Christmas album would end war and bestow upon us world peace for eternity. Possible lyrics: "Run, run, Rudolf, as fast as you can/Jump inside my fucking gold Trans Am/Forget the sleigh, I'll ride saddle back/Kicking with my girls and a bottle of Jack."

This Christmas, my only wish is that by next Christmas, all of these albums come to fruition. #pray