Tommy Picks 7 Women Who Should've Been Desperate Housewives

Who should join the ranks?

Nearly a year has passed since Desperate Housewives went off the air and we were forced to say goodbye to Wisteria Lane forever. Susan, Lynette, Bree, and Gabrielle brought plenty of laughs and dramz to the neighborhood for eight seasons, but there was always a revolving door of fifth housewives. And while Edie, Katherine, and the like were great supporting housewives, I always thought there were some missed opportunities for some of television's soapiest, bitchiest women to strut their stuff on Wisteria Lane. Let's discuss this, shall we?

Susan Lucci

• Known for: Her long stint as Erica Kane on All My Children, a character TV Guide named the most famous in soap opera history.
• What she did instead: Spent 31 years on All My Children.
• Ideal role: An actress past her prime who returns to her roots in Fairview.

Heather Locklear

• Known for: Her critically acclaimed performance of the devious Amanda Woodward on Melrose Place, which also starred Marcia Cross (Bree) and Doug Savant (Tom).
• What she did instead: Co-starred in a Hilary Duff movie and generally became a boozy, pill-popping hot mess.
• Ideal role: Karl Mayer's new wife. The couple moves to the Lane and she becomes one of the girls, despite initial tension with Susan.
• Bonus: Heather was originally under consideration for the role of Susan.

Brooke Shields

• Known for: Sort of being an actress and having a weird-ass friendship with Michael Jackson.
• What she did instead: Starred in Lipstick Jungle and played Hannah Montana's dead mom in a few episodes of the Disney sitcom.
• Ideal role: Bob and Lee's trashy live-in surrogate.

Lucy Liu

• Known for: Her role as the ill-tempered Ling Woo on Ally McBeal.
• What she did instead: Flopped around from show to show and lent her voice to the Tinkerbell movies.
• Ideal role: Wisteria Lane's only Asian housewife whose family is at the center of the show's yearly mystery.

Jennie Garth

• Known for: Bitching it up for ten years as Kelly Taylor on Beverly Hills, 90210.
• What she did instead: Starred in What I Like About You, reprised her famous role for the 90210 reboot, and appeared in a Lifetime movie about AIDS.
• Ideal role: An uptight soccer mom who manages to make enemies with all of the women.

Laura Leighton

• Known for: Her memorable portrayal of brat-turned-vixen Sydney Andrews on both Melrose Place series.
• What she did instead: Played a mom on Pretty Little Liars.
• Ideal role: Bree's sister who moves to the hood and brings with her a dark secret about their family.
• Bonus: Laura is married to Doug Savant in real life, so it would've been an MP/real-life family reunion.

Betty White

• Known for: Being a television legend (The Mary Tyler Moore Show, Golden Girls) and an all-around bitchin' old lady.
• What she did instead: What didn't she do?
• Ideal role: Mrs. McCluskey's mother, the only woman who could out-sass her daughter.
• Bonus: Desperate Housewives creator Marc Cherry was a writer and producer on Golden Girls.

Bitch of the Week: Betty White

Like you're really surprised!

If there's one thing I've learned, it's that people change. As such, many of our former Bitches of the Week may not be worthy of the title days, months, or years from now. Yes, only the baddest bitches withstand the test of time, and at 91 years old, I think it's safe to say that our next BoW will forever live in bitchery. It's Betty Fucking White.

Betty has been famous basically since Hollywood got started. She was a mega radio star but catapulted into fame with her roles in The Mary Tyler Moore Show and Golden Girls. Ever since then, errybody wants a piece of her. She be winning awards left and right, guest starring on shows up the wazoo, and writing books like crazy. She even has a calendar of her pictured with various animals. If that's not bitchery, I don't know what is.

Since Betty is so old, she can get away with doing and saying a bunch of shit that your average, pre-menopause bitch couldn't. And it just makes her all the more amazing. For example...

• "Why do people say 'grow some balls'? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding."
• "All creatures must learn to coexist. That’s why the brown bear and the field mouse can share their lives in harmony. Of course, they can’t mate or the mice would explode."
• "I may be a senior, but so what? I'm still hot."
• "I have a two-story house and a bad memory, so I'm up and down those stairs all the time. That's my exercise."
• "People have told me, 'Betty, Facebook is a great way to keep in touch with old friends.' At my age, if I wanted to keep in touch with old friends, I'd need a Ouija board."

Clearly, Betty is a classic bitch and you all can deal. She is fantastic and would totally win the Lifetime Achievement of Bitchery Award if I had one. (Idea!)