Demi Lovato: Not a Cunt, Not Yet a Bitch

Demi desperately trying to be Miley.

Ever since the advent of Tommy Time's Bitch and Cunt of the Week, I've struggled to determine which title was best suited for Disney darling Demi Lovato. Not matter how much time I spend assessing the situation, I reach only one conclusion: Demi doesn't belong in either category; rather, she exists, quite possibly alone, in an in-between state. This post will explain why.

The story of how Demi rose to fame is nothing special. After Hilary Duff showed Disney Channel they could turn mediocre-at-best child actors into mediocre-at-best singers, the company began looking for anyone they could turn into a million-dollar brand. Existing assets like Raven were immediately put on the fast track for (often ill-fated) music careers. New stars were introduced in music-oriented programing, like Miley Cyrus in Hannah Montana, so the transition from actress to pop star would be seamless.

Everything people hate about Disney Channel.

So when Demi found herself cast in Camp Rock in 2008, she was clearly just another lucky victim of the Disney machine. At first, she was harmless. Sure, Camp Rock would never be as good as High School Musical, and Demi had some fugly ass bangs. But she would never be as bad as Miley, who was starting to shred her kid-friendly image one scandalous photo at a time, right?

For a while, it seemed that way. Demi was fortunate enough to have gotten "in" with the Jonas Brothers. (For whatever reason, in a pre-Bieber world, the girlfriends of teen heartthrobs were embraced by the fans, not threatened.) She was also biffles with fellow Disney starlet and Miley antithesis Selena Gomez, a friendship that culminated in the television movie Princess Protection Program. (Yes, it was as bad as it sounds.) At this time, Demi was still no where near cool enough to be a bitch, but was by no means a cunt.

Then came the pictures. Demi got her first taste of scandal when the tabloids went nuts over red carpet photos of the young starlet with what looked like scars on her wrists. Don't get me wrong; self-harming tendencies are seriously sad and by no means make her a cunt. However, when she blamed the scars on candy bracelets, I was starting to get over it. If you're going to lie about it, let's make it a little more believable. Last time I checked, candy bracelets don't draw blood.

One of the few times the Golden Trio was ever together.

Not too long after, Demi and Selena had a falling out. While Demi was partying hard with her Camp Rock 2 costars, Selena was slowly gaining fame outside of the Mouse House through her friendship with Taylor Swift and alleged romance with Taylor Lautner. The two were no longer seeing eye to eye, and Demi was clearly on a downward spiral of self-harm and self-indulgence.

In 2010, she reached rock bottom when she pulled out of a joint concert tour with the Jonas Brothers and entered a rehab facility for undisclosed physical and emotional issues. As you all know, word soon got out that Demi was indeed cutting herself, and that she also suffered from an eating disorder. She was released four months later. She used her experiences for good and spoke out against the bullying that caused the majority of her pain, which is commendable. The media celebrated her recovery, as they should.

However, what people fail to remember is that Demi was not only getting treated for bulimia and cutting, but also for a cocaine addiction. In fact, the only reason she went to rehab is because her back-up dancer reported Demi's little drug habit to their tour manager. When Demi responded by punching the dancer in the face, her people decided it was high time she got some help. I'm glad Demi is turning her darkest days into something positive, but it always pissed me off that everything else was swept under the rug. She was a victim, for sure, but she also had some 'splaining to do. #IMeanAmIRightOrAmIRight

Since then, however, Demi has really pulled a 180. Is there anyone who wouldn't agree that "Give Your Heart a Break" is a jam? She also proved to be a sassy, passionate, and insightful judge on The X Factor, and even conceded on more than one occasion that fellow judge Britney Spears was her superior. Clearly, she got her shit together.

In conclusion, Demi has had a checkered past. Despite the fact that she could sing circles around Miley or Selena, I've always found her less interesting. And after her monumental personal problems, I'll admit I didn't like her that much at all. #RihannaSyndrome But she's made it really hard to hate her in the past year, and I've definitely become a fan. However, she still lacks the badassness required to be Bitch of the Week. Maybe in the future she'll find herself on that prestigious list. Until then, this will have to do.

Throwback Thursday: Tommy Picks the Best of Britney, Part 2

Living legend, you can look but don't touch.

A few months ago, I attempted to condense Britney's vast and inspiring career into a list of her ten best singles. It was an incredibly difficult undertaking, to say the least, but it proved every bit as enlightening as it did daunting. As it stands, I think my list should be used as the golden standard for Britney's best singles.

But while songs like "Toxic" and "...Baby One More Time" are practically synonymous with the Queen of Pop's name, the simple truth is that Britney's career reaches far deeper than what you hear on the radio. Some of her best songs never get released as singles. So here, on this lovely Thursday, let's throw it back to the Best of Britney, Part 2: The Non-Singles. Like the first list, this wuddn't easy. But as a true Britneyologist, I was up for the challenge!


10. "Out From Under"
Over time, Britney's music has become considerably more synthesized. So when an acoustic gem like "Out From Under" pops up, Britney fans tend to hold it in high regard. The Circus track alludes to the singer's marriage to K-Fed, which we all know was not a cute situation. Still, it's nice to hear a vulnerable Britney express pain over the divorce. (You'll hear another attitude regarding the same subject later on the list.)

9. "What U See (Is What U Get)"
Even in her teens, Britney didn't put up with anybody's bullshit, and that's especially true for girls. In "What U See (Is What U Get)", the only Oops!... I Did It Again track to make the list, Britney tells her lover to take her as she is or gtfo. Such inspiration! I'm assuming the dude finally embraced Britney for who she is.

8. "Kill the Lights"
Circus is probably one of Britney's most controversial albums, not because of its thematic content, but because the public seemed to love it, while hardcore Britney fans rank it as one of her worst albums. When I think of Circus, I think of all the wasted opportunity for potential singles. "Kill the Lights", which tackles Britney's favorite theme of the downside of fame, is one of those songs that shoulda been a single but wasn't. I hope to rectify that injustice with its inclusion on this list.

7. "Shadow"
Britney ballads are so few and far between these days. Luckily, her earlier albums had plenty of slow jams to satisfy my need. "Shadow" is one of the few songs on In the Zone that doesn't have Britney singing about masturbation with disturbing breathing noises in the background. Instead, the song describes an emotionally absent lover, which is a refreshing change of pace for Brit.

6. "Freakshow"
"Make 'em clap when we perform," Britney sings in "Freakshow", a song that seems to be about getting a little too nasty on the dance floor. The Blackout track is often credited as being the first pop song to introduce dubstep into mainstream music. So, if you like dubstep, you can thank Brit; if you don't, you can't blame Brit. You just can't.

5. "Hot As Ice"
It's hard to describe Britney Spears. She just IS. However, I think this song does the best job at summing her up: she's cold as fire, hot as ice. And there's a fun black chorus singing in the background. "Holla if you hear me! Can I get a witness?"

4. "Inside Out"
Femme Fatale is an incredibly diverse album. Some songs are about sex with bad boys, some songs are about sex in clubs, and some songs are about sexual fetishes. "Inside Out" is about break-up sex and features fun references to past hits "...Baby One More Time" and "(You Drive Me) Crazy".

3. "Why Should I Be Sad"
Here's another take on the whole Britney/Kevin Federline break-up. "Why Should I Be Sad" chronicles the downfall of their relationship and paints K-Fed as a gold-digging philanderer. All the while, Britney wonders why she should cry over the end of a marriage that was pretty shitty to begin with. Psh, and she said she wasn't going to have any personal songs on Blackout. #girlplease

2. "Cinderella"
When Britney was not a girl, not yet a woman, she tried really hard to shred her family-friendly image (if it was ever there to begin with). She started the transition with the album Britney, which included songs like "Cinderella" that established her independence.

1. "How I Roll"
Femme Fatale is far more creative than people give it credit for, and songs like "How I Roll" exemplify this like no other. It's quite possibly the funnest song of all time. With lyrics like, "I wanna go/Downtown where my posse's at/Because I got/Nine lives like a kitty cat," it's bubbly, non-nonsensical, and pure bliss.

Voila. There you have it. The best Britney songs that many of you may not have heard. But this is just the tip of the iceberg, folks. I implore you all to check out the rest of Britney's albums for yourselves and you will discover a musical goldmine worth millions.

Britney Spears: New Hair, Don't Care

When we up in the club, all eyes on us.

It's the change heard round the world. No, Taylor Swift did not switch boyfriends. No, the CW did not swap 90210's time slot again. The change I speak of is a good one.

Sunday night, Britney hit up Elton John's Oscars viewing party with some new chocolately tresses. Doesn't she look stunning, everyone?

This isn't the first time the Queen of Pop has gone brunette. She's vacillated between blonde and brown since the beginning of her career. Most notably, she had nearly-black hair during her public breakdown all those years ago.

So what does this dye job mean? Well, Britney is currently hard at work on her eighth album and the astute journalists of Buzz Feed noticed the following pattern:

Science.

Holler at copious amounts of bitches right now. I'm so excited. #Blackout2.0? I think so!

A Few Thoughts on the Oscars

Doin' it with class.

There's no way you don't know that the Oscars were last night. Even if you weren't aware of the ceremony itself, you sure as hell know it by another name, such as "OMG ADELE IS AMAZING! LOVE HER!" or "lol Jennifer fell! Aww she is so genuine!" But you haven't heard about the Oscars until you've heard my opinion on the grand affair. So let's jump right into it, shall we?

Snaps for Seth
Seth MacFarlane was an awesome host. Why the creator of some of TV's trashiest shows was asked to host the most prestigious award show in the industry, I'm not sure, but I was genuinely impressed with him. He wasn't roll-on-the-floor funny, and despite people's constant bitching, I think his jokes were tamer than they should could have been. Was I the only one who enjoyed the boob song? And he was looking pretty sharp in that tux of his. And that VOICE! From the creator of Family Guy?! Who knew!

It's about time someone called out Kate Winslet.

Kristen Stewart Crawls Out from Beneath Her Bridge
UMMMM. Who the hell invited Kristen Stewart? Better yet, why was Bella Swan presenting an award with Harry Potter? The second I saw KStew hobble on stage with her bedhead, I hoped people would start booing her. Remember when she was the most hated woman in America because she was a homewrecking whore? I guess now she's forgiven and can roll into the Oscars like its a casual Tuesday night trip to Walmart.

Innumerable tributes to Chicago
I realize that the theme of the Oscars was Music in Film, but I was pretty much done with the tributes to Chicago by number two. Yeah, yeah, it's a great film and one of the best musicals ever blah blah blah. Aren't there other musicals from years past to showcase? Better yet, shouldn't they focus on the music in this year's films?

Speaking of Chicago...

Nicole Kidman called. She wants her face back.

Get out of here, Renée Zellweger! You're drunk!
Seriously, this bitch was on horse tranquilizers. What the fuck was wrong with her? Not only did she look like a melted Sour Pouch Kid, but she could barely stand up straight and refused to read the winners. TWICE. Holy fuck.

Brave as Best Animated Film
Alright. Guess the Academy has decided to start recognizing utter shit as fine cinema. Whatever. 

The crack about the Kardashians
No.

The crack about Rihanna and Chris Brown
Yes.

Robert Downey, Jr. liked it.

Quentin Tarantino Thanks Himself
Not unlike Kristen Stewart, Quentin Tarantino looked like he came to the event hungover from his bachelor party. He then proceeded to basically only thank himself during his acceptance speech for Best Original Screenplay. (Special shout out to Jamie Foxx's facial expression while Tarantino basically shat on him and the other Django Unchained actors.) I'm not sure if I really hated the speech or really loved it. TBD that shit.

Jennifer Takes a Tumble
Mmhmm! That's what I'm talking about. JLaw continued being her awesome self by falling down on her way to accept her Oscar. But the best was yet to come. Her interviews with the press afterwards are gems. Watch them if you haven't.

Forever immortalized.

Anne Hathaway Continues to Annoy the Living Shit Out of Me
"It came true," Anne Hathaway said wistfully before thanking a laundry list of people while she accepted the award for Best Supporting Actress. From that moment on, I knew my hatred for her would grow by at least 50% by the end of her speech. And it did. When she started talking about the plights of her fictional character and relating it to the real world, I was done.

Adele Underwhelms But Makes Up for It
Eh. I mean, yeah her voice is amazing. And she's a vocalist, not a performer. But she looked bored up there on stage. I'm not asking her do full-blown choreography or anything, but she could have at least looked like she was having fun. But when she won her Oscar and was really adorable during her speech, or lack thereof, she was forgiven.

Hugh Jackman
Always right.

Little Girl from Beasts of the Southern Wild
Quvenzhané Wallis, it was cute the first time you cheered for yourself. But the second time? #overit

She dgafs about my opinion. And that's fine.

Michelle? Girl, whatchu doin?
Like most, I was really confused when Michelle Obama basically took over the Oscars at the end. She's awesome, for sure. But, like... why? Am I right?

Kristen Chenoweth 
It should be a golden rule that you cannot, CANNOT, have an awards show without Kristen Chenoweth. I loved her and Seth's musical number at the end as they tried to lift the spirits of the losers. But the whole time I was thinking about how that was rehearsed... So they must have known who won (or, who didn't win) before the show took place, right?

And there you have it. The best and the worst of the Oscars. If there's anything we can take from this, it's that Seth MacFarlane should host again next year, Anne Hathaway should retire, and Renée Zellweger should be in rehab.

Jam of the Week: "Roman's Revenge" by Nicki Minaj & Eminem

With a lack of new good music, Jam of the Week is admittedly becoming Jam of Weeks Past. While that will soon change, this week will continue the throwbacks with Nicki Minaj's "Roman Revenge". This is literally such a classic and basically tells you everything you need to know about Nicki's alter ego, Roman, her gay twin brother who was born inside of her. "Roman's Revenge" also has innumerable inspirational lyrics. Let's look at a few:

• "I'm a bad bitch, I'm a cunt/I'll kick that ho, punt/Force trauma, blunt/You play the back, bitch I'm in the front."
• "Raah, raah like a dungeon dragon."
• "Shoulda sent a thank you note, you little ho/Now Imma wrap your coffin with a bow."

Aside from the contextual lyrics, the song is infamous for starting the feud between Nicki Minaj and Lil Kim. Bitches ain't shit, am I right? So please enjoy the song (minus Eminem's verses because they kind of suck), and let out your inner Roman.

This or That: Backstreet Boys vs. 'N Sync

Because I don't think they've ever been photographed together.

One Direction might dominate the boy band scene these days (wtf is the wanted), but errybody knows the golden standard for all-male pop groups rests solely in the long-debated issue of the Backstreet Boys vs. 'N Sync. It's time for Tommy Time to put a rest to this war in the third This or That!

Musical styles
The Backstreet Boys always tended to be a little tamer that 'N Sync. Their music was usually quintessential 90s pop, with a little rock and R&B lightly sprinkled here and there. They get kudos for constantly singing a cappella and harmonizing every chance they got. Meanwhile, 'N Sync's music skewed more toward the club crowd, and they often relied on hip-hop influences. That's about as descriptive as I'll get, because this is a moot point. Potato, patato. Technicalities aside, their musical styles were virtually identical. This round is a draw!

Public image
'N Sync always had more street cred back in the day, not that either group's music was permissible in da hood. The fact that Britney Spears often collaborated with the band and dated one of its members, who is now known as Justin Timberlake, means they skyrocket in bonus points here.

The Backstreet Boys tried hard to remove themselves from the boy band stereotype that New Kids on the Block had established. In fact, the band didn't consider themselves a boy band, but rather a white version of Boyz II Men. Yeah, I think they're the only ones who thought that. Furthermore, the only notable member the Backstreet Boys produced was Nick Carter, and that shit's not impressive. Twenty years later, the band is still going strong and even briefly combined forces with the New Kids to become, I shit you not, NKOTBSB.

I find the fact that they're still together a little embarrassing and the fact that, out of shear desperation, they teamed up with the very band they said they would never be like pathetic. Clearly, 'N Sync comes out on top!

Classic songs
Though it was often hard to tell which song came from which band, their credibility can be measure by how many of their songs have become classics over the years. (Keep in mind, what qualifies as "classic" is totally at my discretion.)

The Backstreet Boys have "Quit Playing Games (With My Heart)", "As Long As You Love Me", "I Want It That Way", "Larger Than Life", "The One", "Shape of My Heart", "The Call", and "It's Gotta Be You". That's a total of 8 songs.

'N Sync has "I Want You Back", "Tearing Up My Heart", "(God Must Have Spent) A Little More Time on You", "Bye Bye Bye", "It's Gonna Be Me", and "Pop". That's only 6 songs, so this round goes to the Backstreet Boys.

Sales, numbers, and figures
Simply put, the Backstreet Boys are the best selling boy band of all time, having sold over 130 million records worldwide. 'N Sync ranks at number 8, selling less than half that. So obviously this round goes to the Backstreet Boys.

So who's the better boy band? The Backstreet Boys! It's no surprise that my personal favorite comes out on top. I do love me some Justin Timberlake (Britney break-up drama aside), but even his involvement with 'N Sync can't compete with the timelessness that is Backstreet Boys. That being said, I sure as hell don't condone their still being a band. So that can stop. K thanks!

20 Things You Didn't Know About Disney's The Little Mermaid

1. Plans for Disney to adapt The Little Mermaid as an animated feature date back to the late 1930s, following the success of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. The film would have been an anthology of several Hans Christian Anderson fairy tales but was scrapped.
2. The character of Sebastian was originally named Clarence and was written as an English butler. It was songwriter Howard Ashman who proposed making him Jamaican. Imagine the lame ass version of "Under the Sea" Clarence would've give us...
3. "Part of Your World", often championed as the film's theme song, was almost cut, as test audiences felt it slowed down the story upon early screenings of the unfinished film. Voice actress Jodi Benson recorded the song in the dark to simulate an underwater feeling.
4. Ursula's design was based on a famous drag queen named Divine. Several actresses were considered for the role, including Bea Arthur and Roseanne, before Pat Carroll was eventually cast. Luckily, Roseanne made her animated Disney debut in the smash hit Home on the Range, which I'm sure everyone has seen and identifies as one of Disney's best films.
5. Over one million bubbles were drawn for the film, which was so artistically and technologically demanding that it required the most special effects for any Disney film since 1940's Fantasia at the time.
6. The Little Mermaid is the first film in the Disney Renaissance, a period from the late 1980s to early 2000s that revitalized the company after almost two decades of commercial and critical flops.
7. Mickey, Donald, and Goofy make appearances in the film. If you look closely, you can see them sitting in the audience during the Daughters of Triton concert. Kermit the Frog allegedly also appears in this scene, but I've personally never been able to find him.
8. In early drafts of the film's script, Ursula was King Triton's sister. Hints of this original plot are still present in the film, such as when an embittered Ursula reminisces about her days at the palace. The Broadway adaptation of the film utilizes the brother/sister plot; when their father, Poseidon, died, he bestowed upon Ursula the magic shell she uses to extract Ariel's voice and gave Triton, well, his triton.
9. The film is infamous for its controversial phallic imagery. Many viewers have reported that priest in the wedding scene appears to have an erection. Though Disney denied the claims, dismissing the bump as the priest's knee, the ambiguous animation was digitally removed from future releases of the film. Additionally, the castle on the original videotape cover was criticized for its phallic towers.
10. This is Ben Wright's final film. He voiced Grimsby, Eric's butler. When Wright was hired, producers had no idea that he was the voice of Roger in 101 Dalmatians. He had to tell them.
11. Ariel was deliberately given redhead to distinguish her from the main character in the mermaid film Splash, which was released just five years prior. Ironically, Disney almost passed on The Little Mermaid once more because of its similarities with the Splash sequel the company was developing.
12. Alyssa Milano was one of several inspirations for Ariel's design. At the time, Milano was a teenager starring on Who's the Boss?
13. Christopher Daniel Barnes was only 16 years old when he recorded his dialog for Prince Eric. He later voiced Prince Charming in the Cinderella sequels.
14. The Little Mermaid was the first animated feature nominated for a Golden Globe Best Picture award in any genre.
15. The film was the first Disney film to win an Academy Award since The Rescuers 13 years prior. It won Best Song ("Under the Sea") and Best Score.
16. A portrait of a couple bearing a striking resemblance to Aurora and Phillip from Sleeping Beauty hangs in Eric's castle during his first dinner with Ariel. Leave it to the cray Disneyphiles to theorize that Eric is a descendant of the royal couple.
17. Flounder does not resemble a flounder in the slightest. He is actually intended to be an Atlantic blue tang.
18. To capture the movement of Ariel's hair underwater, animators studied footage of Sally Ride in space.
19. The King and the Grand Duke from Cinderella appear at Eric and Vanessa's wedding.
20. Much of Ariel's land attire pays tribute to the Disney princesses who came before her. This is most obvious in her pink ballgown: the puffy shoulders come from Snow White; the long sleeves and neckline come from Aurora; the large skirt with layered fabric comes from Cinderella's ballgown, while the color comes from Cinderella's original dress that her stepsisters destroy.

Jam of the Week: "Permanent December" by Miley Cyrus

The current Jam of the Week is a throwback to 2010, when Miley Cyrus was solidifying her transition from Disney pop tart to scandalous sex queen. She did this by releasing Can't Be Tamed, an album littered with songs about sex, and dressing like a slut while promoting it.

In "Permanent December", arguably the album's peak, Miss Miley sings about realizing that she made a mistake on walking out on her man. With a very Ke$ha-esque rap and a dance beat dripping in nostalgic roller rink greatness, the song is just what you need to jump start your week. Enjoy!

Bitch of the Week: Spice Girls

Does anyone remember them looking this frightening?

Life was so much simpler back in the 90s. In those days, your biggest identity crisis could be solved by simply asking yourself which Spice Girl were you most like. There was one for everyone: Ginger, the fiery leader; Posh, the stuck-up diva; Scary, the loud and eccentric wild child; Sporty, the tomboy' and Baby, the innocent youngster. No matter which one you were, you were certainly ready to spice up your life. And now they're here to spice up Bitch of the Week!

The Spice Girls are probably best known for their song "Wannabe": "Yo, I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want," "If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends," etc. Don't even pretend like you don't know the words. (I'll excuse you if you don't remember the rap.) But they have so many classics that could really score your entire life. "Say You'll Be There", "2 Become 1", "Mama", "Spice Up Your Life", "Stop", and "Viva Forever" are just a few. Play any one of these songs and nostalgia and hijinks are sure to ensue.

If you weren't a fan of the Spice Girls, you were basically fucked, because these bitches were everywhere. They had best-selling albums, hit singles, video games, dolls, films, candy, and countless sponsorships with every company from Pepsi to Polaroid. The girls became British icons, both as individuals and as a group, and led to a surge of cultural girl power and a second British Wave in America, reaching an oversees population not seen from a UK band since the Beatles.

Putting aside their talent and public image, let's get to the real reason these gals are the collectively the Bitch of the Week. Like the Supremes, the Pussycat Dolls, and all other great girl groups, the Spice Girls had DRAMA. Reportedly, there was a lot of in-group fighting from Day 1, particularly between Geri Halliwell (Ginger) and Mel B (Scary). Also, Emma Bunton (Baby) was allegedly hooking with the band's manager, Simon Fuller (not so innocent after all!). During this time, Posh Spice became Victoria Beckham and became a mainstream celeb in her own right, leading to her four bandmates to get pressed as fuck. Meanwhile, Mel C (Sporty) wasn't doing shit.

All the while, the girls were embracing their alter egos and becoming cartoonish parodies of themselves. Geri was having none of this and left the group. The remaining four didn't work as well as the fab five and they disbanded soon after in 2000.

But as the lyrics go, friendship never ends. The girls, Geri included, reunited in 2007 for a greatest hits tour. And once more this past summer for a performance at the Closing Ceremonies of the Olympics. And this year, Viva Forever, a musical based on their music, will debut in London. The girls were there for us as kids, and they will continue to be here for us well into adulthood. It's safe to say that Spicemania is here to stay.

Too cool to dance? Some things never change.

Happy Valentine's Day! Tommy Picks the Best Celebrity Couples!

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone! I hope that your day is filled with merriment and romance. If you're like me, however, it won't be. For those of us who are single, there are two ways to handle this day of PDA: (1) be completely bitter and probably shave off two years of your life by being so depressed, or (2) admire super fun celebrity couples who just get it. Since Tommy Time is all about positivity (lol jk), I'm going with the second choice.

Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie
Rihanna & Chris Brown
Taylor Swift & [Fill in the blank]

Ha, just kidding. I couldn't resist. Okay, time to get real.

Any couple that brings Fred and Daphne to life
definitely deserves to be on this list.

Sarah Michelle Gellar & Freddie Prinze, Jr.
As we all well know, Hollywood and successful marriages rarely go hand in hand; however, Sarah Michelle Gellar and Freddie Prinze, Jr. have proven that it can be done. The couple met in 1997 while filming I Know What You Did Last Summer and have been inseparable since. They married in 2002, have appeared in four films together, including the Scooby Doo movies, and have two children, Charlotte and Rocky. How fun! I'm still waiting for a Cruel Intentions spin-off in which Kathryn is still turning tricks with her unsuspecting husband (played but none other than her real-life hubby).

Holler for a dollar.

Emma Stone & Andrew Garfield
Mm. Love these two! Ever since playing onscreen lovers in The Amazing Spider-Man, Emma Stone and Andrew Garfield have been the golden couple of young Hollywood. They're both talented, beautiful, and one of them is British! So this shit betta be foreva. Emma and Andrew are nothing but adorable, as they enjoy interrupting each other's E! News interviews and promoting charity while being stalked by the paparazzi (see above).

Surprisingly hard to find a good photo of
these two.

Ellen DeGeneres & Portia de Rossi
Remember when Ellen was a lesbian? Well, she still is! And she's still with her wife, Portia de Rossi. I'm not terribly familiar with Portia's acting resume, but we all know that Ellen is a barrel of fucking laughs and deserves a lifetime of happiness for bringing us daytime TV watchers such joy over the years. They're going on their fifth year of marriage and there's no doubt that their love will continue for many more decades. But not too many; did you know Ellen and Portia are 55 and 40, respectively? Damn. 

Not exactly representative of their love, but
I find the photograph fun to look at.

Blake Lively & Ryan Reynolds
The inclusion of Blake and Ryan on this list is quite precarious, I'll admit. After all, it wasn't that long ago that I was predicting their hush-hush marriage wouldn't last. But that was just wishful thinking on my part. Ryan Reynolds makes my list any day of the week, and Blake, dumb as she is, gets brownie points for being a major player in the Gossip Girl legacy. But they are SO ATTRACTIVE and SO PRIVATE (six months and still no wedding photos?!) that they deserve a long, healthy marriage.

Murica.

The Obamas
I usually avoid political stuff because who wants to read about that shit whilst checking out the latest Cunt of the Week? But I felt the need to be a little patriotic. After all, what list is complete without the President and First Lady repping America up in this bitch? It's so neat that they can be, like, really political and stuff but also be super fun. Somehow I don't think the Romneys would have pulled it off as well.

Reppin' the gays.

Neil Patrick Harris & David Burtka
With Neil Patrick Harris being as omnipresent as he is, it seemed foolish not to include him on this list. The How I Met Your Mother star has been with his partner David Burtka since 2004 and they are the fathers of twins Gideon and Harper. (If I ever met them in person, one of my first questions would be, "Why did you name your kids that?...") Small disagreements aside, Neil and David are definitely one of the best couples out there. If their constant appearances at every award show on earth means anything, it's that they have a long road together ahead of them!

Are they or aren't they?

Bonus: Leighton Meester & Adam Brody
This shit is hot off the presses, y'all! Earlier this month, the media went cray with reports that Leighton Meester and Adam Brody, who starred together in The Oranges, have been dating "for weeks." I'm a fan of both actors and this makes SO MUCH SENSE for them to be hook up that I'm almost kicking myself for not thinking of it earlier! Not much is known about their relationship, or if the reports are even true to begin with, but let's all suspend our disbelief for the sake of Saint Valentine or whoever the fuck this holiday is named for and pray that Leighton and Adam are indeed an item!

This list may be a little biased, and there are certainly other celebrity couples who are just as deserving of a spot on this prestigious compilation as the rest of 'em, but that's not important. What we should all take away from this is that if you're single this Valentine's Day, it's okay! Live vicariously through the beautiful love stories I have just told you. And if you're in a relationship, check yourself, okay? Because whatever you have will NEVER measure up to these seven couples.

Cunt of the Week: Beyoncé

Tyra, is that you?

Before everybody loses their shit, let me assert that I realize this is certainly one of the more controversial selections for Cunt of the Week. But let's all remember that having different opinions is one of the great things about being human! I won't deny that Beyoncé talented; however, I will object to her self-imposed alter ego Sasha Fierce and other such displays of narcissism. I won't trash her for no reason, but I will detail why she is so fucking overrated and, more importantly, why she's a cunt.

We all know Beyoncé got her start in Destiny's Child, which changed band members so much that it makes the Pussycat Dolls look like the most stable and consistent girl group in music history. So why have four women quit the band? It wasn't because they suddenly wanted quiet lives back on the farm in Kansas. No, it was because Beyoncé is a DIVA. And not the good kind of diva that she purports to be in her aptly-titled song, "Diva". She's just a raging cunt and most people can't stand to be around her. Even Michelle Williams, basic and pressed as she is, still talks shit about how awful Beyoncé is.

Though Destiny's Child might as well have been called Beyoncé Knowles & Co., Bey wasn't satisfied with being one of the most successful girl groups of all time. So she decided to embark on a solo career. #TotalCuntMove

All the while, she was dating Jay-Z. All I'm gonna say is that somebody should have put a stop to that shit ASAP. They are two of the biggest egos in the music industry and there aren't words to describe what happens when two people like them get together. Actually, there is a term for it. It's called Blue Ivy.

Beyoncé is undeniably successful as a solo artist. And I'll admit she's talented. "Crazy in Love" is a classic. "Single Ladies" is a jam. "Irreplaceable" is an anthem. But she has done nothing to reinvent the pop/R&B crossover world. Nothing she does is new, which would be fine if people didn't act like she was the goddamn mecca of music. And overtime, she has become increasingly less creative. She once contributed lyrics to every song on an album, but now contributes to barely half, most of which are major snoozers. What she lacks in artistry she makes up for with smoke and mirrors. She's not an artist, she's a performer. Which, again, would be fine if people recognized that.

My biggest problem with Queen B, as she's known to her fans, is not that everybody thinks she's so fucking great. It's that SHE thinks she's the greatest thing to bless this planet since Jesus the motherfucking Christ himself! Who the hell calls themselves Sasha Fierce? Who unnecessarily splits up their 11-song album onto two discs? What kind of sicko announces their pregnancy at an awards show in the middle of a tribute to Britney Spears?! Who stores everything used in their productions, even something as simple as a technical light, in a warehouse so nobody else can use it? What kind of person closes off half a hospital to have their one baby? (Screw the other expectant mothers, I guess.) And who not only lip syncs the national anthem at a presidential inauguration, but makes the grandiose gesture of ripping out her earpiece to fool people into thinking she's singing live, unaided by a track?

Beyoncé, that's who.

But the worst is yet to come. Check this shit out:

I don't feel like I have to please anyone. I feel free. I feel like I'm an adult. I'm grown. I can do what I want. I can say what I want. I can retire if I want. That's why I've worked hard.

THIS irked me to no end. Listen up, Beyoncé. Being an adult is not stomping around, doing and saying whatever you feel like. And you may have worked hard, but considering retirement at age 31 is beyond ridiculous. Yeah, you worked hard and just so happen to have made a gazillion dollars from it. But most people work much harder, and for much longer. And if music is really your passion, you should consider yourself lucky to still have a fan base that will support your career and allow you to continue living your dream. You wouldn't retire just because you have enough money to live off of for 70 lifetimes.

I know many of you are probably still shitting glitter from her Super Bowl performance, but I hope I successfully alerted you to some of the problems with her. It's only halfheartedly that I give her the Cunt of the Week; in truth, I think she's just overrated. But dgaf. She's getting it anyway!

20 Things You Didn't Know About Beverly Hills, 90210

This reeks of 90s.

1. Beverly Hills, 90210 was originally titled The Class of Beverly Hills. That shit just ain't catchy, and now 90210 is the most-recognized zip code by both Americans and foreigners.
2. Jennie Garth was the first actor cast in the series, landing the role of the spoiled and beautiful Kelly Taylor after five auditions. (Bullshit! Bitch should've gotten it when she walked through the door!)
3. Despite urban myth to the contrary, Tori Spelling insists that producers were well aware that she was the daughter of series creator Aaron Spelling when she auditioned, though she did use a fake name in hopes of avoiding special treatment. Tori originally tried out for the role of Kelly, but was instead cast as Donna, a role specifically created for her. When the series began, she only had a few lines per episode. It wasn't until the second season that audiences were subjected to her so-called acting.
4. Luke Perry, who originally auditioned for the role of Steve Sanders, was cast as Dylan McKay for a two-episode arc. Aaron Spelling liked him so much that he made Luke a series regular, despite the Fox network's reluctance.
5. Beverly Hills High School would not allow the show to use its name or location, thus producers created West Beverly High and filmed at Torrance High School, which was also used for Buffy the Vampire Slayer, She's All That, and Bring It On. Filming for the exterior scenes of the fictional California University took place at Occidental College.
6. Originally, the family-oriented drama depicted twins Brandon (Jason Priestley) and Brenda Walsh (Shannen Doherty) and their parents as they adjusted to the move from Minnesota to Beverly Hills, and each episode was a sort of a lesson of the week. Midway through the first season, however, the show began targeting a younger audience and focused more on the twins' group of friends. The first of these teen-driven episodes aired in February 1991, when other networks had suspended creative programming to cover the Gulf War. (At the time, Fox didn't have a news department. Wish they still didn't!) The show's new tone compounded with the temporary elimination of its competition led to a surge in ratings.
7. Starting with the second season, Fox capitalized on the show's success and ordered extended seasons of the show, airing as many 32 episodes per season instead of the traditional 22-24. Beverly Hills, 90210 often aired summer episodes, which no other show at the time was doing, thus attracting even more viewers. By this time, the show had solidified itself as a youth-driven soap opera, forever abandoning the original family-friendly concept.
8. Douglas Emerson, who portrayed Scott Scalon, was the first actor to be let go from the series. Both he and Brian Austin Green portrayed dorky underclassmen, but only Green caught the producers' eyes and received real storylines and more screentime. Emerson's character was killed off in the second season, a decision that reportedly stemmed from the network pressuring producers to cut costs.
9. Both Aaron Spelling and the Fox network wanted to make the high school years last as long as possible. Though the characters refer to themselves as juniors in the first season, the second season later became their official junior year, and from then on, the first season was retconned as sophomore year. Much to Spelling and Fox's chagrin, executive producer Charles Rosin constructed the third season as senior year in real time (college applications in the fall, prom in the spring, etc.). It wasn't until he agreed to send the characters to the same college that Spelling and Fox stopped protesting the transition out of high school.
10. Though Shannen Doherty's highly publicized personal troubles and onset squabbles with her costars, particularly Jennie Garth, are often cited for reasons behind her getting fired at the end of the fourth season, producer Larry Mollin says that the straw that broke the camel's back was when she cut her hair halfway through filming the season finale, thus throwing off the continuity of the scenes that had already been shot. At the cast's urging, Aaron Spelling released Shannen from her contract, though he later cast her in Charmed, from which she was also fired.
11. Tiffani Amber Thiessen, who joined the cast as Valerie following Shannen's departure, was dating Brian Austin Green at the time. Brian was not happy about the casting, as Thiessen's promiscuous character was often getting it on with the other male cast members. Several actresses were offered the role of Valerie, including Alicia Silverstone and Drew Barrymore. All I can say is praise Baby Jesus that Drew fucking Barrymore wasn't available to mumble Valerie's lines out her side mouth.
12. The gang's hangout spot, a diner called the Peach Pit, is modeled after the Apple Pan, an actual restaurant located in West Los Angeles.
13. Gabrielle Carteris was 29 when she was cast to play 16-year-old Andrea Zuckerman. When bitch got knocked up, reluctant producers had no choice but to write the pregnancy into the script. By this time, the age difference between Gabrielle and her co-stars was becoming increasingly apparent. Additionally, producers weren't satisfied with the performance of Mark Damon Espinoza, who played Jesse, Andrea's baby daddy. For these reasons, neither actor's contract was renewed after the fifth season.
14. Aaron Spelling was incredibly dedicated to protecting Tori's reputation, and by extension, the Donna character's as well. For this reason, Donna remained a virgin until her college graduation in the seventh season, despite the fact that Tori was a noTORIous slut behind the scenes. Additionally, audiences wrote in and called the character an idiot for staying with an abusive boyfriend, Ray (Jamie Walters), in the fifth and sixth seasons. Though Jamie was signed for an additional year on the series and the writers had planned to redeem his character, Aaron demanded that he be written off as soon as possible in order to protect Donna's character.
15. Dylan's father, Jack McKay (Josh Taylor), was killed off in a car explosion in the third season, but the scene was shot in a way so that the revelation of his survival could be used later on. However, Luke Perry left the show in the sixth season and the storyline was delayed until he returned at the end of the series. By this time, none of the writers who had implemented the original plot were on staff and the "Jack McKay is back from the dead" storyline was butchered and contradicted earlier events in the series.
16. The Brenda/Dylan/Kelly love triangle is one of the show's most iconic storylines and one of the most apparent. It spanned the entire ten seasons of the series, even after Doherty and Perry's departures, and continued into the current CW reboot.
17. While Shannen Doherty's departure led to a mild ratings decrease, it wasn't until both Jason Priestly and Tiffani Amber Thiessen left during the ninth season that the show experienced a major blow to its viewership, prompting Fox to make the tenth season its last.
18. By the end of the series, Jennie Garth, Ian Ziering, Brian Austin Green, and Tori Spelling were the only remaining members of the original cast. However, not a single actor appeared in all 296 episodes of the series.
19. Among the various Beverly Hills, 90210 spin-offs, Melrose Place (1992-1999) is the most famous. Its drastic and soapy tone proved immensely popular, and it overtook its parent series in success for most of its run. The show cemented Heather Locklear's status as a television superstar, and launched the careers of other actors, including Marcia Cross, who later brought her own brand of OCD craziness to Wisteria Lane on Desperate Housewives.
20. In 2008, 90210 premiered on The CW. The show is a reboot of the original and focuses on a new generation of West Beverly (and later, California University) students. One character, Erin Silver (Jessica Stroup), appears in the original series as the toddler half-sister to Kelly (Garth) and David (Green). Additionally, Garth, Doherty, and Spelling have all reprised their roles on the show. But besides a few characters and half a title, the new show has little in common with Beverly Hills, 90210. Seriously, watching them is like night and day.

Jam of the Week: "Nobody's Business" by Rihanna and Chris Brown

It's fucking February y'all. Love is in the air and Valentine's Day is around the corner. In celebration of this festival of affection, I'm letting the most stable and inspirational celebrity couple I know to provide us with the Jam of the Week. Put your hands together for Rihanna and Chris Brown.

In all seriousness, errybody knows I hate these two jackasses. But I have a pop culture addiction, and when two very controversial singers with a turbulent and violent relationship release a duet, I take notice. "Nobody's Business" is all about how their love ain't nobody's business. It's pretty powerful stuff with a great message: if you wanna get back together with the man who beat you to a pulp, threw a TV out of his dressing room window, and flies through the entire bipolar mood spectrum faster than Taylor Swift changes boyfriends, then SCREW THE HATERS. You just do what's right for you, okay?

Bitch of the Week: Jennifer Lawrence

Holla at a bitch.

The reigning Bitch of the Week is long overdue for the title. Jennifer Lawrence has been on the short list for quite a while, and I'm elated to finally get on this shit. With the Academy Awards just around the corner, the timing couldn't be better!

Born and raised in Kentucky, bitch started her acting career on The Bill Engvall Show. Roots like these aren't typically those which produce Bitches of the Week, but luckily Jennifer only spent three years on that shit before eventually getting her breakout role in 2010's Winter's Bone. In the film, Jennifer played a bitchin' hick who goes through a lot of shit in the backwoods meth ring to find out what happened to her father. She even eats a squirrel.

Of course, it wasn't until The Hunger Games that Jenny and her bow and arrow landed on most people's radars. And now with a million awards for her performance in Silver Linings Playbook, it seems like Jennifer is unstoppable. That's all good and dandy, but what really makes Jennifer a true bitch is her personality. She gives absolutely no fucks when it comes to life, and that's exactly how it should be.

Rather than tell you myself, I'll let JLaw do the talking:

• On exercising: "I hate saying 'I like exercising.' I want to punch people who say that in the face."
• On a bowl of fan questions: "I thought it was gonna be food. It's just... words."
• On meeting Catching Fire director Francis Lawrence: "Our first conversation was on the phone. I was in the bathtub, and I had to tell him that I was in the bathtub because I was afraid he would think I was, like, playing in the toilet when he heard water swishing around. [...] Then we had breakfast in Santa Monica, and I spit egg inside of his mouth when I was talking. Like, it went in. Into his mouth."
• On describing herself: "Very well-rounded, and practically perfect."
• On peeing: "I’m the fastest pee-er ever. I’m famous for it."

I understand this was an incredibly brief history of Jenny's bitchery, but I truly believe some things require no explanation. Right now, everybody has their eyes on this girl and we can all easily see why she's Bitch of the Week. If you're still not convinced, watch ANY of her interviews from late night television. It's life changing, seriously.

Throwback Thursday: Tommy Picks the Best of Desperate Housewives

Juicy.

It's been 9 months since America bid farewell to our favorite housewives. Seriously, it's been so long; I could have had a baby in that time. I mean, not really. But kind of. Now, Desperate Housewives is nothing but a memory. But I'm here to keep Susan, Lynette, Bree, Gabrielle, and company alive in our hearts forever by taking a stroll down memory Wisteria Lane with the top 10 This is What Made This Show Fucking Amazing's.

#TeamJuanita

10. Juanita Solis
On a show where the children were generally intolerable, Juanita Solis showed a bitch what's what several times. Sassy and supersized, Juanita is the only one who was a worthy opponent for her mother, the ever-bitchy Gabrielle. (So what if they weren't biologically related? #season7problems am I right?) She's also probably one of the only good things that came out of the five-year jump.

9. Katherine Goes Bonkers
It was the summer of 2009 and everyone was wondering just who was Mike Delfino's mystery bride? Was it the love of his life, or the new girlfriend? Well, when Desperate Housewives returned for its sixth season, Mike went with choice A and married Susan for the second time, sending Katherine into a tailspin. Bitch went legit cray. Like, "let me stab myself in the stomach and accuse Mike of attacking me" cray. Still, it was entertaining!

8. The Others
One of the greatest things about Desperate Housewives is that it kept its four stars for all eight seasons. We always had Susan, Lynette, Bree, and Gaby. But other characters definitely helped round out the cast. Between the four housewives, they had about 16 husbands and major boyfriends and at least two children a piece. Not to mention the revolving door of fifth housewives: Mary Alice, Edie, Betty, Katherine, Angie, and Renee. And of course, the other neighbors. Whether it was Mrs. McCluskey being candid as fuck or Bob and Lee sassing it up with the best of them, there was no shortage of fun on Wisteria Lane.

7. Bree and Gabrielle
If there was ever an odd couple on the show, it was Bree and Gabrielle. These bitches were polar opposites, and whenever their storylines intertwined, hijinks were sure to ensue. Remember when Gaby moved in with Bree when she and Carlos were having issues? Hilarious. Or when Chuck caught them stealing Alejandro's car? Doubly hilarious.

6. Flashbacks
I fucking love flashbacks. No matter how unnecessary they are or how much they screw up continuity, I just think they're a lot of fun. And Desperate Housewives certainly did not shy away from this particular narrative device. In fact, several episodes were devoted to flashbacks, most notably the season two finale that showed each woman on move-in day and the one hundredth episode that depicted how a previously-unseen handyman had affected each of their lives.

5. Lynette's Battle with Cancer
In its eight years, Desperate Housewives left no stone unturned. Health crises were a dime a dozen on Wisteria Lane, but when it came time to give one of the housewives cancer, nobody could have done it better than Felicity Huffman (Lynette). She brought both humor and heartache to the storyline, making it definitely one of the most memorable plots in the show's history.

Frenemies for life.

4. Susan and Edie
To continue the earlier theme of odd couples, Susan and Edie's relationship never ceased to crack me up. No matter how much they hated each other (and we're talking house-burning kinda hatred), they always seemed to get stuck with each other. Whether they were duking it out for Mike's affections, sleuthing around Mary Alice's house, or getting trapped in a basement together, they were constantly at each other's throats.

3. "Oh, Mary Alice. What did you do?"
There would be no Desperate Housewives if Mary Alice hadn't killed herself over some deep dark secret. Her death and the yearlong unraveling of the mysterious details surrounding it basically opened up the Pandora's Box of Wisteria Lane, allowing for eight seasons of utter chaos. The mystery was so intricate and well thought-out that it's no wonder subsequent seasons didn't measure up. Even better, Mary Alice's suicide continued to play a major role in the series for the rest of its run, particularly in the final two seasons.

2. Bree's Meltdown
The show's second season is the epitome of a sophomore slump. With most of the storylines lagging, even the yearly mystery, it was Bree's downward spiral that kept the audience enticed. After the passing of her husband, she dates the man whom she later discovers murdered him. Her son actively attempts to destroy her life, even sleeping with her boyfriend, while her daughter openly defies her and gets involved with the eerie family across the street. All the while, Bree is drinking away her problems and develops a serious case of alcoholism. Just when you thought she hit rock bottom, Bree would fall even further. But it was always entertaining. The show was always at its best when Bree was at her worst.

1. "Bang"
Desperate Housewives was known for its annual disaster episodes. Over the years, the residents of Wisteria Lane found themselves dealing with all sorts of cray shit, from a tornado to a nightclub fire and everything in between. The best disaster episode, and best episode of the show overall, was "Bang". The third season episode found several Wisterians held hostage in a grocery store. It is physically impossible to relax during this episode, no matter how many times you've seen it, because this is some edge-of-your-seat shit right here! From Carolyn's unhinged rants to Lynette's rage over Nora's death, there is nothing about this episode that isn't fucking amazing. And who doesn't tear up just a bit when the survivors finally emerge from the supermarket?

Obviously, Desperate Housewives is so much more than these ten things. It remains one of my favorite shows of all time and every Sunday, my body aches in anticipation for a new episode that won't come. Who knows, though. Maybe in the future we'll get a reunion special. Or a movie! Or a Desperate Housewives 2.0 with Julie, Danielle, a new group of girls taking over the lane? Think about it.

Kiss them goodbye.

Cunt of the Week: Justin Bieber

Didn't hear me? I called you a cunt.

I've always aimed to make the Cunt of the Week award progressive, to make it attainable for anybody, regardless of race, religion, or gender. So, fourteen cunts in, I've finally selected the first of what I'm sure will be many male cunts. (Kind of an oxymoron, wouldn't you say?) And the culprit lucky recipient... Justin Bieber, because it seems like a smooth, easy transition.

Even if you live under a proverbial rock, you still know who Justin, often referred to as the Biebs, is. There's no escaping this prick, no matter how hard you try. Just when you think you're in the clear, BAM! Suddenly he's dating one of your favorite tween starlets, and then you really can't ignore him (but we'll get into that shit later). First and foremost, let me start by saying I don't get it. I just don't get why or how Justin has managed this level of fame or success. Merrily, however, I go on, because this cunt 'bout to get served. #mmhmm!

Justin was born in Canada, which I always imagine as just a cleaner version of America. I've never actually been to Canada, and after it cursed us with both Justin and Carly Rae Jepsen in the same three-year period, I don't ever plan to. Justin's mother was an unwed 17-year-old when she popped out the Bieber from her beaver, and if you ever watch the way she discusses motherhood in interviews, you'd think she gave birth to fucking Jesus or something.

Sometime in the mid-90s, God decided that he really dgafed when it came to making people, thus producing a generation of complete fucking idiots. Thus, by 2008, there was an entire army of uncultured, financially irresponsible, and apparently deaf preteens ready to launch Justin into stardom. They found his crappy YouTube videos and watched that shit on repeat. Pretty soon, manager and part-time pedo Scooter Braun caught wind of Justin's online popularity and, in a move that still makes little sense to me, brought him to Usher, who signed him to a recording contract.

What followed was the closest thing to an apocalypse this planet has ever seen.

Justin shot to super stardom, seemingly overnight. Whether they liked it or not, everybody knew the words to "Baby" (not like it was hard). The baby-faced singer and his swooshy haircut adorned many a locker. Bieber Fever was, like, a thing. He was on top of the world. But there was a catch... Puberty.

The world was buzzing. How would Justin manage once his balls dropped and his voice followed? Well, unfortunately for those of us who still respect humanity, he did just fine! He released a new crop of songs that were phenomenally better than his old shit. (The lower octaves suit him.) Still, as Christina Aguilera has proven, catchy club music does not excuse you from massive amounts of cuntitude.

With new music came a new personal image and a fresh attitude. Justin, who's barely legal today, started flipping off the paparazzi and saying things like "wussup man, how you doin?" and "it's like, whateva" despite being raised in middle-class suburbia. He started dating Selena Gomez, to which I took personal offense, and smoked weed like it was going out of style. Oh, and he started dressing like this to meet the Prime Minister of Canada:

I wouldn't even wear this to meet a prostitute.

He was no longer the adorable boy next door, but some pint-sized wankster wannabe. All the while, Justin advocated pro-life, even under the circumstances of rape, referred to homosexuality as a "decision," and, perhaps most offensively, shunned the VERY generous comparisons between him and Justin Timberlake.

And, only 3 years into his career, he's already whored himself out like no other. Let's take a look:

• His haircut in 2010 forced toymakers to change merchandise modeled after the Biebs, making it the most musical expensive haircut ever.
• He capitalized on his lesbian appearance by posing for an androgynous magazine.
• He's duetted with EVERYONE under the fucking sun, including Lucacris, Sean Kingston, Jaden Smith, Miley Cyrus, Big Sean, Drake, Nicki Minaj, Chris Brown, Usher, Mariah Carey, and Carley Rae Jepsen.
• Speaking of Carly Rae, even though she placed third on Canadian Idol in 2007 and had a decent career before "Call Me Maybe", the Biebs somehow managed to take credit for discovering her.

At only 18 years old, Justin Bieber has a lifetime of cunting it up ahead of him. Here's hoping that he eventually gets his shit together. But I'm not getting my hopes up.

Jam of the Week: "I Got You" by Leona Lewis

I'm not normally a fan of the songstress who brings us this week's jam. Leona Lewis always sounds like she's getting groped by a ghost and I'm majorly over it. You can't even kill her because all she'll do is bleed love and then we're stuck with another fucking song that never leaves the radio.

Luckily for Ms. Lewis, there is one song of hers that I can tolerate. "I Got You" is all about being there for your lover even when the relationship is at its end. Whatever. I just like it because it's catchy!

Special shout-out to Selena Gomez's "I Got U", which has an even better message: it's all about how Selena is playing tricks on a boy. Love it!

Tommy Picks 5 Duets That Need to Happen

#1 for sure.

Have you ever loved two artists so much that you think they'd make beautiful music together but then they never do?! This is my daily plight. In an effort to spread the word and also live out my musical fantasies, I've selected my top five dream duets.

5. Adele and Eminem
I swear to god, this would be so good. It could be like "Love the Way You Lie" except 100 times better because Rihanna wouldn't be involved. Can't you just hear Eminem rapping really angry lyrics and then Adele comes in and is all "Let the sky faaaall." It almost makes too much sense.

4. Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez
I'm sure I'm not alone in this particular fantasy. True, I dreamt this up when the Biebs and Selena were still together, but two former flames can still sing a song together! Rihanna and Chris Brown did it. Miley Cyrus and Nick Jonas did it. So why can't these two?

3. Carrie Underwood and Nicki Minaj
I'm totally serious about this one. I think Carrie is a little too classy to have Nicki sing on her song, so it would have to be Carrie lending her vocals to a Nicki track. Better yet, Nicki should just take "Before He Cheats" and remix the shit out of it.

2. Ke$ha and Macklemore
I'm not exactly Macklemore's #1 fan, but I recognize his potential, especially in becoming the male Ke$ha. And what better way to solidify the title than by dueting with Ke$ha, glitter and all? This is a fucking genius idea and I'd like royalties when it happens.

1. Britney Spears and Adam Levine
Okay. I totally had this idea long before Christina Haguilera poisoned Maroon 5's "Moves Like Jagger". Even after that overplayed train wreck, I don't think there's any reason why Adam Levine couldn't holler on over to Britney's eighth album and lend his beautiful, albeit high-pitched vocals to one of her many future smashes. I can hear it now. Omg. Life.