Jam of the Week: "Parachute" by Cheryl Cole

The Jam of the Week is courtesy of one of my favorite British imports, Cheryl Cole. In "Parachute", she talks about a love that will last, despite the fact that everybody wants to see it fail. Released in 2010, the song is a bit of a throwback, but it's just unoriginal enough to be appropriate any year. Enjoy!

Throwback Thursday: When American Idol Was a Thing

It's the apocalypse.

When Kelly Clarkson became the first American Idol eleven years ago, she changed the industry forever. Sure, she may flop as often as she succeeds, but her decade in the biz not only popularized the pop-rock genre, it proved that reality competition shows were viable means for finding the next American superstar.

It was a new era for American entertainment. Viewers in the millions would tune in twice (sometimes thrice) a week to see contestants sing it all or nothing and then vote for their favorites. For eight years, the show was the most-watched program in America, with the performance and results shows occupying the top two spots. Paula Abdul's dopey onscreen antics and Simon Cowell's controversial criticisms made daily headlines. Winners like Clarkson, Carrie Underwood, and Jordin Sparks experienced immediate successes after they were crowned champions. 

Fast forward twelve seasons to present day. Nobody watches American Idol, and those that do average 50.4 years old, almost two decades older than the show's average viewer back in the day. It's all about The Voice these days, and with Adam Levine around, it's not hard to see why. Where's the eye candy for American Idol? Randy Jackson? I don't think so.

Speaking of the judges, can we just have a moment of silence for Simon and Paula? The show was never the same after they left. Only Paula would show up to a taping, practically popping pills between slurred remarks, wiggle around in her chair, and claim that certain contestants had performed twice when in fact they hadn't. And without Simon, there is nobody to be deliciously evil to the hopefuls. Like, why is everybody building their confidence now? Quite frankly, most of them need to be knocked down a peg or two.

In Simon and Paula's places, we've seen songwriter Kara DioGuardi, Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler, professional singer/bitch Jennifer Lopez, and Ellen (honestly wtf tho). And currently, we have Keith Urban, Nicki Minaj, and Mariah Carey. Oh, and Randy. He's still there, too. The new judges aren't even done with their first year and there's already talks of replacing them.

And then there are the so-called winners. While early seasons produced a few snoozers (Ruben Studdard, Fantasia, etc.), they more than made up for it with not only Clarkson and Underwood, who are the only victors who will ever achieve legendary status tbh, but also with notable runners-ups, like Clay Aiken, Katharine McPhee, Kellie Pickler, Jennifer Hudson, and Chris Daughtry. Since Sparks's coronation in the sixth season, no American Idol has even made a splash in the music scene. Think about it: how many can you actually name? Last season's Phillip Phillips might be the only hope we have, but for all we know, he could be just a flash in the pan.

Basically, American Idol was once a beautiful centerpiece of this nation's culture, but now it's a whole lot of bullshit. I say we just cancel it and put Ryan Seacrest out of his misery.

20 Things You Didn't Know About Friends

Friends 4 lyf.

1. Friends was originally titled Insomnia Cafe. Before the final title was settled upon, the show was also known as Once Upon a Time in West Village, Across the Hall, Six of One, and Friends Like Us. Lez be honest, nobody would have watched it if it had any of those titles.
2. Thousands of actors applied to audition for the six main roles, but only 75 actually read for each part. The role of Ross was written specifically for David Schwimmer. Courteney Cox auditioned for Rachel but convinced producers that she was better suited to play Monica. Jennifer Aniston also auditioned for both Rachel and Monica and was cast as the former. Producers were hesitant to hire Matt LeBlanc after he made Joey dim and heartfelt during his audition, but NBC insisted they cast him. The characters of Phoebe and Chandler were originally intended to play supporting roles in the group's dynamics, but they were added to the core group once Lisa Kudrow and Matthew Perry were cast.
3. Jon Cryer of Two and Half Men auditioned for Chandler via video, as he was in New York at the time, but the tape did not arrive in Los Angeles in time for him to be considered.
4. Chandler was originally going to be gay, while the writers also intended to have Monica and Joey romantically involved with one another.
5. The cast filmed the opening water fountain sequence at 4am one morning. They were asked to lip sync to the show's theme song, "I'll Be There" by the Rembrandts, but as the song had not been recorded, the actors were simply given the lyrics.
6. For all ten seasons, the six stars ensured that they were treated as an ensemble cast and that one actor did not dominate over the others. They negotiated their salaries collectively, and Aniston and Schwimmer took pay reductions so that all six cast members received the same salary. (That salary for each actor, by the way, started at $22,500 per episode in season one and ended at $1 million per episode for the final two seasons.)
7. The show's massive popularity has manifested itself in various cultural phenomena. Aniston's hairstyle in the first season was nicknamed "The Rachel" for her character and is still imitated worldwide. Joey's pick-up line, "How you doin'?" is now commonly used in Western English slang. The show also popularized the term "friend zone" and the usage of "so" as an intensifier. Additionally, television couples who engage in on-and-off romances are often called the "Ross and Rachel" of the show.
8. NBC was initially reluctant to have the gang's hangout spot be a coffee shop, as they considered it too "hip." Central Perk has since inspired numerous real-world coffee shops around the world.
9. The network also insisted that the characters were too young and asked the writers to add an older character to provide guidance and advice to the friends. The writers obliged and added Pat the Cop, but NBC eventually relented and the character was dropped before the pilot was filmed.
10. Tom Selleck portrayed Monica's on-and-off boyfriend Richard throughout the show's run. While filming his entrances, the audience would usually greet him with a standing ovation, rendering the footage unusable and prompting excessive re-shoots without the studio audience.
11. The show is often credited as depicting the first portrayal of gay marriage on mainstream American television. "The One with the Lesbian Wedding" aired in 1996, and though NBC expected the episode to generate controversy and negative press, only two network affiliates (one in Texas, the other in Ohio) refused to air the episode, and the network only received four telephone complaints after the episode was broadcast.
12. James Michael Tyler, who plays Gunther, was originally just an extra but was kept on because he was the only one who knew how to work the set's cappuccino machine. Over the course of the ten seasons, Gunther became one of the series' most memorable recurring characters.
13. Kudrow originally played the role of Ursula, an inept waitress who frequently forgets orders, on Mad About You. The series' creators liked the character so much that they made her Phoebe's twin sister in Friends.
14. Bruce Willis' two-episode arc on Friends was a result of a bet he made with Perry on the set of The Whole Nine Yards. As per the bet's conditions, Willis appeared free of charge.
15. Aniston and LeBlanc objected to their characters' romance in the eighth season, which forced the writers to wrap up the storyline quickly.
16. From the third season onward, Friends filmed at Warner Bros. Studios on Stage 24, which has since been officially renamed "The Friends Stage."
17. Cox is the only regular cast member who did not receive an Emmy Award nomination for her work on the show. Kudrow and Aniston are the only ones who actually won the award.
18. The tenth season almost never happened, with the show's creative team and actors renewing their contracts only days before the ninth season finale aired. The final season was shortened as per Aniston's request that production be wrapped by January 2004 so she could focus on her film career.
19. To diffuse any potential spoilers or plot point leaks from the series finale, the show's creators instigated a rumor that three different endings had been filmed, when in fact only one had.
20. With 52.5 million viewers, the May 6, 2004 series finale is the fourth-most watched television finale in history, following M*A*S*H, Cheers, and Seinfeld. The finale is the second-most watched episode of the series; "The One After the Superbowl" raked in just 0.4 million more viewers on its 1996 broadcast.

Jam of the Week: "Young and Beautiful" by Lana Del Rey

If you're not yet aware of this fact, the soundtrack to The Great Gatsby is going to be fucking amazing. It features Beyoncé covering Amy Winehouse, Jack White covering U2, and original songs by artists like Florence & the Machine, Jay-Z, will.i.am, and of course, Lana "Love Me or I'll Die" Del Rey.

Lana's sultry vocals, cinematic and classical compositions, and lyrical obsession with wealth and glamor are the perfect fit for the film. "Young and Beautiful" is classic Lana (it's very "American" meets "Dark Paradise"), as she asks her man if he will still love her once her youth and beauty fade. Eventually, she pleads to God to let her lover come to Heaven with her. It doesn't make a lick of sense, and that's one of the many reasons I love this song. Enjoy!

Tommy Picks 7 Women Who Should've Been Desperate Housewives

Who should join the ranks?

Nearly a year has passed since Desperate Housewives went off the air and we were forced to say goodbye to Wisteria Lane forever. Susan, Lynette, Bree, and Gabrielle brought plenty of laughs and dramz to the neighborhood for eight seasons, but there was always a revolving door of fifth housewives. And while Edie, Katherine, and the like were great supporting housewives, I always thought there were some missed opportunities for some of television's soapiest, bitchiest women to strut their stuff on Wisteria Lane. Let's discuss this, shall we?

Susan Lucci

• Known for: Her long stint as Erica Kane on All My Children, a character TV Guide named the most famous in soap opera history.
• What she did instead: Spent 31 years on All My Children.
• Ideal role: An actress past her prime who returns to her roots in Fairview.

Heather Locklear

• Known for: Her critically acclaimed performance of the devious Amanda Woodward on Melrose Place, which also starred Marcia Cross (Bree) and Doug Savant (Tom).
• What she did instead: Co-starred in a Hilary Duff movie and generally became a boozy, pill-popping hot mess.
• Ideal role: Karl Mayer's new wife. The couple moves to the Lane and she becomes one of the girls, despite initial tension with Susan.
• Bonus: Heather was originally under consideration for the role of Susan.

Brooke Shields

• Known for: Sort of being an actress and having a weird-ass friendship with Michael Jackson.
• What she did instead: Starred in Lipstick Jungle and played Hannah Montana's dead mom in a few episodes of the Disney sitcom.
• Ideal role: Bob and Lee's trashy live-in surrogate.

Lucy Liu

• Known for: Her role as the ill-tempered Ling Woo on Ally McBeal.
• What she did instead: Flopped around from show to show and lent her voice to the Tinkerbell movies.
• Ideal role: Wisteria Lane's only Asian housewife whose family is at the center of the show's yearly mystery.

Jennie Garth

• Known for: Bitching it up for ten years as Kelly Taylor on Beverly Hills, 90210.
• What she did instead: Starred in What I Like About You, reprised her famous role for the 90210 reboot, and appeared in a Lifetime movie about AIDS.
• Ideal role: An uptight soccer mom who manages to make enemies with all of the women.

Laura Leighton

• Known for: Her memorable portrayal of brat-turned-vixen Sydney Andrews on both Melrose Place series.
• What she did instead: Played a mom on Pretty Little Liars.
• Ideal role: Bree's sister who moves to the hood and brings with her a dark secret about their family.
• Bonus: Laura is married to Doug Savant in real life, so it would've been an MP/real-life family reunion.

Betty White

• Known for: Being a television legend (The Mary Tyler Moore Show, Golden Girls) and an all-around bitchin' old lady.
• What she did instead: What didn't she do?
• Ideal role: Mrs. McCluskey's mother, the only woman who could out-sass her daughter.
• Bonus: Desperate Housewives creator Marc Cherry was a writer and producer on Golden Girls.

Bitch of the Week: Sharpay Evans

"I need fabulous."

How many of you can say that you drive a pink convertible, take up two customized lockers at school, and have a theme song entitled "Fabulous"? I'm guessing not a single one of you. That's because you're not Sharpay Evans, the ambitious and manipulative diva from the High School Musical triology. (Disclaimer: this article will hereby refuse to acknowledge the fourth film in the franchise, Sharpay's Fabulous Adventure. That's some real caca.) As if I even need to explain why she's getting Bitch of the Week, let's start with the fact that she's portrayed by former BoW Ashley Tisdale. That's a Tommy Time first, so this shit's historic. Aside from this feat, there are many other reasons, which we'll discuss below.

First off, Sharpay knows how to get shit done. Better yet, she knows how to get other people to get shit done for her. Her in-the-closet twin brother Ryan is always willing to do her bidding. Even when he has an attack of morality and sabotages her schemes, he always comes running back, usually in floral-print pants and knee-high boots. There's also Kelsey, East High's resident troll, who writes all of Sharpay's original musical numbers. And then there's the fucking Sharpettes. As annoying as they are, they're clearly willing to sacrifice individuality to serve their queen. Love it!

Secondly, Sharpay will do anything to be in the limelight. In High School Musical, it's moving the callbacks for the winter musical to eliminate her only competition, Troy and Gabriella. In High School Musical 2, it's seducing Troy with luxury and opportunity into ditching Gabriella and singing with her instead. In High School Musical 3: Senior Year, Sharpay gets Gabriella's sorry ass banished from East High so she can assume her rightful place as the spring musical's lead.

Thirdly, Sharpay is just a total bitch. I'll let her do the talking:

• On being a good person: "What did I do to deserve this? I've never lied, except when necessary, and I always bought mom and dad expensive gifts... using their credit card of course. I don't deserve this humiliation."
• On her classmates: "Do you want us to lose the Star Dazzle award to a bunch of dishwashers?" 
• On professionalism: "Oh we can hold hands around the campfire some other time! Right now we got a show to do."
• On her dear mother: "Don't you mention that backstabbing yogini to me!"

Need I say more?

Cunt of the Week: Lady Gaga

Ugh. I just can't.

In the music industry, cunts are a dime a dozen. This is perhaps best illustrated by the battle for who will surpass Madonna as the Queen of Pop. While Britney is the obvious successor, basic bitches like Katy Perry, Rihanna, and Beyoncé think they stand a chance. The only person who has come close to swiping the title is none other than this Cunt of the Week, Lady Gaga.

For those of you who don't remember who Lady Gag-a is (because she's thankfully fallen of the radar in the past year or so), allow me to refresh your memory. She's Cyndi Lauper and Elton John's lovechild who grew up to become a self-important singing gypsy. Ever since she hit the music scene in 2008, she's proven to be nothing more than an absolute cunt. The biggest problem with Lady G is the fact that everybody thinks she's the fucking mecca of pop music. Her songs are so inspirational, she is so unique, and she is so talented. Except not. That is all bullshit. And here's why.

First off, she's not all that inspiring. Between P!nk raising her glass for the under dogs and Selena Gomez shutting down anybody who says you're not perfect, empowering pop anthems are an inescapable trend. Lady Gaga is perhaps the premier engineer of such tunes. "Dance in the Dark" speaks about body image, "Americana" touches upon immigration, and of course "Born This Way" is a shout-out to the gays. But at what point do these messages stop becoming meaningful and start becoming trite? I can't say for sure, but I know for fucking sure that Lady Gaga passed that point ages ago. Maybe her songs offer hope to the downtrodden, but she exploits social issues and her fanbase to make her music even more successful than it already is and das tacky. Sorry, Little Monsters, but y'all just her prop.

Secondly, Lady Gaga is a lot of things, but unique is not one of them. Sure, she may be the first person to wear a dress made out of Kermit the Frog dolls or arrive at the Grammys in a fucking egg, but her very being is a collection of shit she's stolen from other artists. From her blonde yellow hair that has been trademarked by Cyndi Lauper for decades to her music videos that scream Michael Jackson, nothing about Lady Gag-me's artistry is special. And as if I have to say it, almost every move she makes is taken from Madonna's playbook. (Please listen to "Born This Way" and then Madonna's 1989 hit "Express Yourself" to HEAR the similarities.)

Lastly, I'll evaluate Lady Gaga's talent. Sure, she has a nice voice, and she clearly knows how to pen a jam or two. But if you take away her soap box, crazy costumes, and alienating personality, her skills are underwhelming. There's nothing she can do that her peers cannot. You may say Britney is less talented, but at least she sets the trends in pop music. (Rolling Stone didn't name Blackout the most influential pop album of the past five years for shits and giggles.) Lady Gaga is always behind the curve.

Lady Gaga is not the pop engineer everybody thinks she is. In fact, she's the most reductive, redundant, irrelevant cunt on the block. I'll leave you with this graphic, which displays Lady Gaga's only lasting impact on the industry.

One list Britney will never be on.

Jam of the Week: "Masterpiece" by Madonna

The current Jam of the Week is a bit of a throwback to 2012. Madonna's "Masterpiece" talks about being in love with somebody who is virtually untouchable. It is my absolute favorite Madonna song (in general, I think she's kinda sucky). And I'm not the only one who thinks so. It won the Golden Globe for Best Original Song. Enjoy!

The Cult of the Basic Bitch

"Basic bitch" is amongst my favorite terms in life. In just two short words, you can say so much about how irrelevant and idiotic someone is. (Please, do no confuse "basic bitch" with "other sister.") Yet some people still have trouble processing what the term means. Perhaps those individuals are basic bitches themselves? Regardless, it's time to get schooled, y'all. Let's delve into some examples.

5. Paris Brown
Paris Brown is a 17-year-old British teen who was hired as Britain's first youth commissioner. The move was a good faith effort to reach out to young people; however, it turns out Paris wasn't the ideal candidate. (As if her name didn't say that already.) Shortly after Paris received the job, The Mail on Sunday uncovered some of tweets. I've selected a few gems:

• "I am getting so drunk this saturday, so so painfully oh so unattractively drunk."
• "Everyone on Made in Chelsea looks like a fucking fag."
• "I can speak fucking english its the illegals on the other end that cant."

Now, so far Paris doesn't seem basic, she just seems nasty! But watch her on-air interview, in which she's sporting a poorly-executed Adele hairstyle and cites Urban Dictionary in her apology to the public.

Now THAT'S a basic bitch.

4. Sabi
If you've ever listened to "You Make Me Feel..." by Cobra Starship, then you know Sabi. She's that Rihanna copycat singing half the song. You might also recognize her from the Britney Spears classic "(Drop Dead) Beautiful", in which she rhymes "you" with "vegetables." Although she only appears in less than 30 seconds of the song, Sabi insisted on joining Brit for her Femme Fatale Tour and trying to milk whatever fame she could get from the experience. But it was just tacky and embarrassing. Can somebody say basic?
 
3. Katherine Mayfair
Desperate Housewives is an amazing show, but even it has its fair share of basic bitches. Case in point: Katherine Mayfair. When she joined the show in season four, Katherine was a passive aggressive cunt. She was needlessly rude and arrogant all for the sake of covering up her dirty little secret. (For real, who cares if your current daughter is a replacement for the one who died as a kid? Nobody liked Dylan anyway.) Come season five, she became whiny and lovesick, throwing herself at Mike when everybody knows that he and Susan were endgame. In season six, she went completely bonkers, dated a female stripper, and moved to Paris. By the time she returned to the show in its series finale, Katherine was back to her old tricks and was bragging about how much money she had. No matter the phase, one thing is certain: Katherine was always an unbearable, crusty shrew. But above all, she was BASIC.

2. This anonymous reader
Let me be clear. This website is called TOMMY TIME, which means it will most certainly be BIASED. I irrationally hate some things and blindly love others. With the This or That series, I will always ensure that my favorite comes out on top. Whenever I say I won't be biased, it's sarcastic, which anyone who isn't basic and has more than a few active brain cells would know. Unfortunately, one reader didn't understand and felt the need to comment on my Taylor Swift vs. Carrie Underwood post. His or her responses are to the right. Basic and flopish. Better luck next time!

Disclaimer: I honestly don't care what basic bitches have to say, but I appreciate the material!

1. Marley Rose
Are you still watching Glee? Chances are, you're not. And that's probably for the best, as the show has disintegrated into absolute chicken shit. A chief reason for such a decline in quality is Marley, an obnoxious newcomer who was expected to fill in for Lea Michele's Rachel but fell flat on her talentless ass. While Glee is known for its stereotypes, Marley is uniquely cliched. She's the annoying, weepy wallflower with a heart of gold. She's always the victim, so much so that she lets somebody trick her into having an eating disorder. (#TeamKitty tbh...) Even when she's leading two guys on at once, she somehow manages to be the victim. (But seriously, who is actually interested in this bitch?) Whether she's fucking up every song she sings or berating her boyfriend for liking Chris Brown's music, Marley is always being basic.

Basic bitch is such a broad term, and these five examples, while glowing, barely begin to provide an adequate definition. But it's a start, and I hope that y'all can now recognize the basic bitches in your own life and respond how you seem fit. Best of luck!

Why Lindsay Lohan Will Never Be Cunt of the Week

It's like the evolution of mankind.

This week, Lindsay Lohan made headlines for actually showing up to her interview with David Letterman, because after six arrests, a few theft accusations, countless hospitalizations and trips to rehab, and an atrocious cameo on Glee, it's breaking news if Lilo is doing something right for a change.

Many have wondered why Lindsay, in all her infamy, hasn't gotten Cunt of the Week yet. (I mean, she's basically like the original Amanda Bynes.) She's definitely been on the short list for some time, but the simple truth is I just cannot bring myself to give her the title. Why?

Maybe I'm nostalgic. Between Mean Girls, The Parent Trap, and Get a Clue, Lilo has provided our generation with many classics. Maybe I take pity on her. In all honesty, making fun of Lindsay Lohan in such a way would be like asking Helen Keller to sort marbles by color. But I think the real reason she will never be Cunt of the Week is because I still have HOPE that she can turn her shit around.

In the aforementioned David Letterman interview, Lindsay was, by no stretch of the imagination, her old self, but she was humorous and willing to make fun of herself. And though she called herself a "victim" at one point, she took responsibility for her troubles and said she considered her impending trip to rehab (May 2, y'all) a "blessing." Whether or not she's telling the truth remains to be seen, but I'd like to think that she is!

Or maybe she's just a better actress than we thought.

Nah. We've all seen Liz & Dick.

Jam of the Week: "Come & Get It" by Selena Gomez

It's official: 2013 is the Year of the Maturing Disney Star. Between Jonas Brothers' sexual lyrics to Demi Lovato stepping into Kelly Clarkson's shoes, the child stars of yesteryear are growing up fast. Add to that list Selena Gomez, whose new Scene-less single "Come & Get It" adds a little Indian spice to her usual dance pop bliss to create a JAM, one that helps solidify the adult image she's so desperate to obtain.

I'll admit, it took me a while to warm up to "Come & Get It", which is allegedly written about ex-beau Justin Bieber. But once I was hooked, I was hooked. And it's miles ahead of the previously leaked material from her "debut solo" album.

20 Things You Didn't Know About Donald Duck

#TeamDonald

1. Donald Duck has appeared in more films than Mickey Mouse, as his temper makes him much more versatile than Mickey the kiss-ass. Additionally, he's the fifth-most published comic book character ever, behind Superman, Batman, Spider-Man, and Wolverine.
2. Walt Disney had wanted to create a comedic foil for Mickey, but it wasn't until he heard Clarence Nash's voice on a radio program that he came up with Donald. Clarence voiced the character for 50 years until his death. He was also the original voice for Daisy, Huey, Dewey, and Louie.
3. Not only is Donald the mascot for the University of Oregon, but he was officially made an honorary alumnus in 1984 for his 50th birthday.
4. Donald has quite a history with the American military. Many of Donald's appearances during World War II were in propaganda films, including the incredibly disturbing but Oscar-winning Der Fuehrer's Face. Also, Walt Disney also authorized the cartoon duck to be the mascot for the US Coast Guard.
5. Donald is especially popular in Germany (a little awk, considering #3), where he is written as being more sophisticated and philosophical than he is in America.
6. One of the original ride ideas for Disneyland was a Donald-themed bumper boat ride, but it was scrapped. But how fun would that have been?!
7. In the 70s, Donald found himself in hot water, as there was a debate over his morality in Finland. Tight-ass conservatives didn't appreciate his lack of trousers and shacking up with his girlfriend out of wedlock.
8. His middle name is Fauntleroy.
9. At least two cartoons, both from the 1950s, present Donald and Daisy as a married couple.
10. The term Donaldism refers to an extreme Disney fandom, especially for Donald, but for other Disney characters as well. The term originated in Norway.
11. Though Donald's longtime girlfriend is Daisy Duck, his first love was Donna Duck, introduced in 1937. According to some sources, Daisy and Donna are the same character; in 1999, the Walt Disney Company acknowledged that Daisy was originally introduced as Donna. However, in 1951, both Donna and Daisy appeared in a comic strip as rivals for Donald's affections. #Daisyftw
12. Because of his starring roles in Saludos Amigos and The Three Caballeros, Donald is synonymous with Disney's relationship to Latin American culture. The films came as a result of World War II. Before the United States entered the war, Disney could not export films to European markets; thus, Walt looked to new markets south of the border.
13. Like Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck has undergone various redesigns in the decades past, the most obvious being in 1936. The objective for these cosmetic overhauls was to make the characters more expressive and adorable.
14. Walt Disney always intended Donald to represent what we as humans are, whereas Mickey represents who we should be.
15. Donald has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.
16. He has his own brand of orange juice, which was first released in 1940.
17. Walt's wife, Lillian, hated Donald and found his voice annoying.
18. Donald has a sister named Della, who is the mother of Huey, Dewey, and Louie. She officially gets the Worst Mom Ever Award considering she's never fucking around to take care of her own children.
19. In some cartoons, Donald is said to have been born on Friday the 13th (specifically March 13), which provides a reason for his exceedingly bad luck. His license plate has also read '313'.
20. Donald appears in a deleted scene of the film Chicken Little.

C U Next Tuesday: When Cunts Strike Again, the Amanda Bynes Edition

For what it's worth, her new look got the Kim
Kardashian stamp of approval.

Back in November, Amanda Bynes received Cunt of the Week for her arrest, bizarre public behavior, and near-weekly automobile accidents. While she was certainly deserving of the title at the time, I wonder if it was perhaps premature, as Mandy has gone even more cray in the months since.

Not only has Amanda gotten herself a ghetto fab makeover (see above), she has been tweeting up the wazoo and each tweet is more curious than the last. And, in an unexpected turn of events, she's been tweeting straight up cray shit for years now. So, in the spirit of keeping up with the cunts, I'm sharing with you the Best of Amanda Bynes' Tweets. There's a lot of them, but they're quick, so I encourage you to read them all. From asking Drake to murder her vagina to discussing creepers and hair capes, these are fucking hilarious. Enjoy!

• Looking pudgy and I broke my nail #GirlProblems
• I want @drake to murder my vagina
• If I'm not following you on twitter, I hate you
• I created the phrase lly & lololol. *proud*
• I like when Drake says "Everything is Kosher" in his new song OVER because A. That's a clever way of saying everything is good B. Judaism
• Only read my twitter for photos of me!
• Please don't take paparazzi photos of me I like taking my own!
• Fear is pain arising from the anticipation of evil.
• He's Rocking That Incest Face
• When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth.
• I like black men I'm very attracted to them just fyi
• FYI if any girls are mad that I like "chocolate" they need to seriously get OVER it. sorry, you can't have all the chocolate for yourself :)
• SO quit hating on me because i'm VANILLA and i like CHOCOLATE, ok? because it just makes you look like a hater :) thanks so much, bye!!!! :)
• i like my hair cape wavy or straight it just can't be dull #period  
• hair cape = hip way of referring to your hair
• Let's talk about hair capes and different ways you can show someone you like their hair cape
• "well wow your hair cape sure shines now doesn't it"
• "you sure did a good job styling that hair cape"
• Ok that's enough about hair capes for now
• "if you like it so much why don't u marry it?" - childhood saying
• i want a husband
• i wanna be a wife
• I have a 1 track mind
• I've got marriage on my mind :)
• creepers have twisted minds they full on disgust me BARF BAG CITY is where they should move to
• Get your minds out of the gutter creepers and quick move to barf bag city I bet you'll love it there being that you are nasty and disgusting
• and creepers, most importantly, do not forget to STFU
• creepers know who they are
• creepers disgust me
• someone with a perverted mind is a creeper in my book
• Creepers should stfu
• I stay away from creepers
• When I find out someone has a nasty twisted mind I refer to them as a creeper = someone that has a nasty twisted mind
• Legitimate newspapers and magazines etc only print the truth and that's why I read them
• Hey @BarackObama... I don't drink. Please fire the cop who arrested me. I also don't hit and run. The end.
• I think jeans look good on everyone they are just plain sexy to me
• those are my thoughts on jeans
• I enjoy reading and writing love quotes
• If you don't motivate me and you seem cruel I'll unfollow you
• if I think you could possibly be a creeper I'll unfollow you
• If you're unfunny enough I'll unfollow you
• my family calls me chicky but everybody else calls me amanda which I like
• I am so sure of myself it will scare you
• I like being called chicky too
• Are you a person place or thing chances are if you're reading this you're a person think about that everyone :)
• I've never written the movies & tv shows I've been apart of I've only acted like the characters the producers or directors wanted me to play
• Being an actress isn't as fun as it may seem
• If I don't love something anymore I stop doing it
• I don't love acting anymore so I've stopped doing it
• I know 24 is a young age to retire but you heard it here first I've #retired
• i've unretired
• OG = original girl
• BF = boyfriend
• GF = girlfriend
• my favorite artist =  my favorite musician
• super boo = your one true love
• tats = tattoos
• book = something you can read (if you don't know that there is no hope for you)
• For future reference: illolrnaifg = I'm literally laughing out loud right now and it feels great
• film = movie
• scrumptious = delicious
• lol = laugh out loud
• sick = cool
• dope = cool
• ill = cool
• brb = be right back
• fyi = for your information
• btw = by the way
• stfu = shut the fuck up
• Herstory
• #earthy
• If the fact that I twitter random words I like bothers you then I won't like you
• #fronter
• my movies and tv shows are on DVD aka Blu-ray Disc watch them they're really good
• Shout out to all the #divas we're amazing and should be treated like princess every day if you ask me
• #cuddle
• I'll have you know, I am hilarious

THAT'S NOT ALL, FOLKS!

Amanda's Hairspray co-star Nikki Blonsky recently tweeted the actress: "Hey girl I texted you hit be back live u boo boo!!! Xoxo" and Amanda responded with:

• If I'm not following you on twitter Quit acting like you know me.
• When you write me on twitter and I ignore you it's because I plan on ignoring you on twitter and in life forever.

 RAR!

You certainly are hilarious, Mandy. Or should I say Chicky? Whatever your name is, just keep tweeting, girl!

Jam of the Week: "Pom Poms" by the Jonas Brothers (No, This Is Not an April Fools Joke)

This Jam of the Week celebrates the highly-anticipated reunion of the Jonas Brothers, who have not released new music together since 2009. "Pom Poms" is the group's first single free from Disney's reigns, so it's appropriately a little more sexual. With lyrics like "I love it when your hands are free/Baby, put your pom poms down for me," it's a little too steamy for the JoBros. Tone it down thaaanks.

It's still a jam, though. So enjoy!