Tommy Picks the Best Albums of 2013

As we barrel into 2014, it's important to look back on the previous year before we close the book on 2013 forever. In the last twelve months, we've gotten some tantalizing music (#jamsfordays) and I took the time to rank the 10 Best Albums of 2013. Avid Tommy Time readers shouldn't be surprised by the rankings at all.

Click through the slideshow to see if your favorite made the cut!

Jam of the Week: "TKO" by Justin Timberlake

Everybody should still be listening to "Work Bitch" on repeat, tbh...

But in the spirit of keeping Jam of the Week alive, I'll honor "TKO" by Justin Timberlake. (I know, I know. Following Britney with Justin? Das tacky. But what can you do? A jam is a jam.)

The second single off of The 20/20 Experience - Part 2 of 2, which is just around the corner, "TKO" combines the fresh funk of new Justin with the pure pop bliss of vintage JT. So that's a fucking win.

And for those of you who aren't boxing fans, like me, a TKO is a "technical knock-out." So that might change your perception of the song. Enjoy!

What You Maybe Didn't Know About Britney's Singles

All eyes on me.

The Britney Army has their eyes on September 17, the heavily rumored date for the lead single from Britney's next album. (A countdown on Britney's official website promises something big will happen on that day.) In anticipation of the song that will likely slay us all, here is a fun fact for each of Britney's timeless jams.

1. "...Baby One More Time" was originally written for TLC, but they rejected it. Britney fell in love with the song the minute she heard the demo, and her label lauded it as well, only requesting that "hit me" be removed from the title.
2. "Sometimes" was the subject of a lawsuit when songwriter Steve Wallace claimed he had written the song in 1990 but didn't copyright it until 2003, four years after Britney registered her own copyright for it. Emails Wallace produced in court in which Britney admitted to having stolen the song were considered fake, and Steve lost the lawsuit. #Don'tMessWithBritney
3. "(You Drive Me) Crazy" was remixed for its single release, and "The Stop! Remix" was included on the soundtrack for the 1999 film Drive Me Crazy. The film's stars, Melissa Joan Hart and Adrian Grenier, appear in the song's music video.
4. Britney recorded three versions of "Born to Make You Happy". The first contained lyrics that she deemed too inappropriate for her target audience. After the song was rewritten, Britney recorded two sets of vocals; the second were used for the official album version of the song, while the first were used as a bonus remix.
5. The music video for "From the Bottom of My Broken Heart" was meant to rehaul Britney's naughty school girl image. Her record label wanted a story-oriented and emotionally-driven clip with no choreography.
6. With a budget of $750,000 (over $1 million when adjusted for inflation), "Oops!... I Did It Again" remains one of the most expensive music videos of all time.
7. "Lucky" is frequently cited by critics as one of Britney's finest moments and is often credited with predicting her later struggles with fame.
8. "Stronger" is allegedly aimed at Britney's management and label, who were criticized by the media for micromanaging her career at the time.
9. "Don't Let Me Be the Last to Know" was written by Shania Twain. 
10. The albino Burmese python Britney danced with while flawlessly performing "I'm a Slave 4 U" at the 2001 MTV Music Awards is named Banana. Britney was reportedly terrified of the snake but went ahead with the performance anyway.
11. Though the album version of "Overprotected" was released, music video and all, Britney's label quickly commissioned a hop-hop remix and a new video, hoping it would improve the song's commercial performance.
12. "I'm Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman" was originally recorded for the Crossroads soundtrack but used for Britney's third album instead.
13. While promoting the single release of her version of "I Love Rock 'n' Roll", Britney mistakenly attributed the song to Pat Benatar instead of Joan Jett. #awkward
14. "Anticipating" was only released in France.
15. Like "I'm a Slave 4 U", "Boys" was originally written for Janet Jackson, who is one of Britney's biggest influences. In the song, Britney sings "get nasty," which alludes to Janet's hit single "Nasty".
16. "Me Against the Music" was never intended to feature Madonna, but after Britney played a finished version of the track for her, Madonna added in her own verses.
17. "Toxic", which was originally offered to Kylie Minogue, won Britney her first Grammy.
18. Britney wrote the lyrics to "Everytime" by herself. While it is common knowledge that the song focuses on her former relationship with Justin Timberlake, Britney wrote it in direct response to his music video for "Cry Me a River", which featured a Britney lookalike, and several interviews in which Justin divulged private details of their relationship.
19. Britney suffered a knee injury on the set of the music video for "Outrageous" and had to undergo arthroscopic surgery. As a result, the video, which featured scenes with Snoop Dogg, was never completed.
20. Both Kevin Federline and Britney's brother Bryan make appearances in the music video for "My Prerogative".
21. Britney had to fight with her record label to get "Do Somethin'" released as a single.
22. Britney is the sole writer credited for "Someday (I Will Understand)", a song about feeling empowered as a pregnant woman, which she penned two weeks before learning she was expecting her first child.
23. The original version of "And Then We Kiss" was recorded for In the Zone, but it didn't make the cut. It was considered once again for the Britney & Kevin: Chaotic EP, but was left out for unknown reasons. A remixed version of the song appears on B in the Mix: The Remixes in 2005, and the original version leaked online six years later.
24. Britney initially did not want to include the line, "It's Britney, bitch," on "Gimme More".
25. Bloodyshy & Avant wrote "Piece of Me" after witnessing the singer's relationship with the paparazzi firsthand, even though they were aware of an "unwritten rule" that the label would not accept songs regarding Britney's personal life.
26. "Break the Ice" was selected as the third single from Blackout after it won 39% of votes in a fan poll.
27. "Womanizer" is Britney's best selling digital single in the United States.
28. Entire sequences of Britney walking the tight rope in the "Circus" music video were never included in the final cut.
29. "If U Seek Amy" is by far Britney's most controversial song, as a bunch of tight-ass motherfuckers couldn't handle its double entendre. As a result, the version you're most likely to hear on the radio is "If U See Amy".
30. "Radar" appears on both Blackout and Circus. Originally intended to be released as a single from Blackout, those plans were scrapped and it was released as a single from Circus in order to fulfill contractual obligations with the song's producers.
31. Britney broke hella records with "3", and at the time of the release, it was the first song in three years and first non-American Idol song in eleven years to debut at #1 on the Billboard Hot 100.
32. "Hold It Against Me" was originally written for Katy Perry, but its writers decided it was better suite for Britney.
33. "Till the World Ends" not only features Ke$ha on its remix, but was also written by the "Tik Tok" singer as well.
34. When Britney lent her vocals to the remixed version of Rihanna's "S&M", it marked the first time the singer was ever featured on another artist's song. Bitch plays hard to get!
35. "I Wanna Go" was selected as the third single off of Femme Fatale after receiving 38% of fan votes in an online poll.
36. The music video for "Criminal" stars Britney's then-boyfriend Jason Trawick.
37. "Scream & Shout" is one of three known songs recorded by Britney and will.i.am. The other two, "Big Fat Bass" and another track, were both recorded for Femme Fatale, but only the former made the cut. will.i.am is the executive producer of Britney's upcoming album, so expect more collaborations between the two.
38. Britney's management and label advised her not to record "Ooh La La" for The Smurfs 2, but she insisted because her sons were such big fans of the film.

Jam of the Week: "Holy Grail" by Jay-Z & Justin Timberlake

Although I generally try to stay away from Jay-Z, it's hard to ignore him altogether, as he duets with some pretty fabulous people. This time around, it's Justin Timberlake on a song called "Holy Grail". It's been blasting on the radio all summer, and now it's finally getting Jam of the Week.

Now sit back, relax, listen to the music, and sip your cup 'til it runneth over.

Jam of the Week: "Let the Groove Get In" by Justin Timberlake

It's no secret that I was initially disappointed with Justin Timberlake's lackluster return to the music scene after a six-year hiatus. "Suit & Tie" deterred me from his new material so much that I avoided The 20/20 Experience like the fucking plague.

However, I recently GOT THE ENTIRE ALBUM because I didn't like being left out and the never-ending airplay of "Mirrors" made me think that maybe there was something more to JT's album. And boy is there! In general, The 20/20 Experience is better when played sequentially, and thus stand-out tracks are hard to pick. But the spicy Latin-infused "Let the Groove Get In" is super fun, and if it didn't already score your Cinco de Mayo, let it be the soundtrack to this coming week.

This or That: Backstreet Boys vs. 'N Sync

Because I don't think they've ever been photographed together.

One Direction might dominate the boy band scene these days (wtf is the wanted), but errybody knows the golden standard for all-male pop groups rests solely in the long-debated issue of the Backstreet Boys vs. 'N Sync. It's time for Tommy Time to put a rest to this war in the third This or That!

Musical styles
The Backstreet Boys always tended to be a little tamer that 'N Sync. Their music was usually quintessential 90s pop, with a little rock and R&B lightly sprinkled here and there. They get kudos for constantly singing a cappella and harmonizing every chance they got. Meanwhile, 'N Sync's music skewed more toward the club crowd, and they often relied on hip-hop influences. That's about as descriptive as I'll get, because this is a moot point. Potato, patato. Technicalities aside, their musical styles were virtually identical. This round is a draw!

Public image
'N Sync always had more street cred back in the day, not that either group's music was permissible in da hood. The fact that Britney Spears often collaborated with the band and dated one of its members, who is now known as Justin Timberlake, means they skyrocket in bonus points here.

The Backstreet Boys tried hard to remove themselves from the boy band stereotype that New Kids on the Block had established. In fact, the band didn't consider themselves a boy band, but rather a white version of Boyz II Men. Yeah, I think they're the only ones who thought that. Furthermore, the only notable member the Backstreet Boys produced was Nick Carter, and that shit's not impressive. Twenty years later, the band is still going strong and even briefly combined forces with the New Kids to become, I shit you not, NKOTBSB.

I find the fact that they're still together a little embarrassing and the fact that, out of shear desperation, they teamed up with the very band they said they would never be like pathetic. Clearly, 'N Sync comes out on top!

Classic songs
Though it was often hard to tell which song came from which band, their credibility can be measure by how many of their songs have become classics over the years. (Keep in mind, what qualifies as "classic" is totally at my discretion.)

The Backstreet Boys have "Quit Playing Games (With My Heart)", "As Long As You Love Me", "I Want It That Way", "Larger Than Life", "The One", "Shape of My Heart", "The Call", and "It's Gotta Be You". That's a total of 8 songs.

'N Sync has "I Want You Back", "Tearing Up My Heart", "(God Must Have Spent) A Little More Time on You", "Bye Bye Bye", "It's Gonna Be Me", and "Pop". That's only 6 songs, so this round goes to the Backstreet Boys.

Sales, numbers, and figures
Simply put, the Backstreet Boys are the best selling boy band of all time, having sold over 130 million records worldwide. 'N Sync ranks at number 8, selling less than half that. So obviously this round goes to the Backstreet Boys.

So who's the better boy band? The Backstreet Boys! It's no surprise that my personal favorite comes out on top. I do love me some Justin Timberlake (Britney break-up drama aside), but even his involvement with 'N Sync can't compete with the timelessness that is Backstreet Boys. That being said, I sure as hell don't condone their still being a band. So that can stop. K thanks!

Cunt of the Week: Justin Bieber

Didn't hear me? I called you a cunt.

I've always aimed to make the Cunt of the Week award progressive, to make it attainable for anybody, regardless of race, religion, or gender. So, fourteen cunts in, I've finally selected the first of what I'm sure will be many male cunts. (Kind of an oxymoron, wouldn't you say?) And the culprit lucky recipient... Justin Bieber, because it seems like a smooth, easy transition.

Even if you live under a proverbial rock, you still know who Justin, often referred to as the Biebs, is. There's no escaping this prick, no matter how hard you try. Just when you think you're in the clear, BAM! Suddenly he's dating one of your favorite tween starlets, and then you really can't ignore him (but we'll get into that shit later). First and foremost, let me start by saying I don't get it. I just don't get why or how Justin has managed this level of fame or success. Merrily, however, I go on, because this cunt 'bout to get served. #mmhmm!

Justin was born in Canada, which I always imagine as just a cleaner version of America. I've never actually been to Canada, and after it cursed us with both Justin and Carly Rae Jepsen in the same three-year period, I don't ever plan to. Justin's mother was an unwed 17-year-old when she popped out the Bieber from her beaver, and if you ever watch the way she discusses motherhood in interviews, you'd think she gave birth to fucking Jesus or something.

Sometime in the mid-90s, God decided that he really dgafed when it came to making people, thus producing a generation of complete fucking idiots. Thus, by 2008, there was an entire army of uncultured, financially irresponsible, and apparently deaf preteens ready to launch Justin into stardom. They found his crappy YouTube videos and watched that shit on repeat. Pretty soon, manager and part-time pedo Scooter Braun caught wind of Justin's online popularity and, in a move that still makes little sense to me, brought him to Usher, who signed him to a recording contract.

What followed was the closest thing to an apocalypse this planet has ever seen.

Justin shot to super stardom, seemingly overnight. Whether they liked it or not, everybody knew the words to "Baby" (not like it was hard). The baby-faced singer and his swooshy haircut adorned many a locker. Bieber Fever was, like, a thing. He was on top of the world. But there was a catch... Puberty.

The world was buzzing. How would Justin manage once his balls dropped and his voice followed? Well, unfortunately for those of us who still respect humanity, he did just fine! He released a new crop of songs that were phenomenally better than his old shit. (The lower octaves suit him.) Still, as Christina Aguilera has proven, catchy club music does not excuse you from massive amounts of cuntitude.

With new music came a new personal image and a fresh attitude. Justin, who's barely legal today, started flipping off the paparazzi and saying things like "wussup man, how you doin?" and "it's like, whateva" despite being raised in middle-class suburbia. He started dating Selena Gomez, to which I took personal offense, and smoked weed like it was going out of style. Oh, and he started dressing like this to meet the Prime Minister of Canada:

I wouldn't even wear this to meet a prostitute.

He was no longer the adorable boy next door, but some pint-sized wankster wannabe. All the while, Justin advocated pro-life, even under the circumstances of rape, referred to homosexuality as a "decision," and, perhaps most offensively, shunned the VERY generous comparisons between him and Justin Timberlake.

And, only 3 years into his career, he's already whored himself out like no other. Let's take a look:

• His haircut in 2010 forced toymakers to change merchandise modeled after the Biebs, making it the most musical expensive haircut ever.
• He capitalized on his lesbian appearance by posing for an androgynous magazine.
• He's duetted with EVERYONE under the fucking sun, including Lucacris, Sean Kingston, Jaden Smith, Miley Cyrus, Big Sean, Drake, Nicki Minaj, Chris Brown, Usher, Mariah Carey, and Carley Rae Jepsen.
• Speaking of Carly Rae, even though she placed third on Canadian Idol in 2007 and had a decent career before "Call Me Maybe", the Biebs somehow managed to take credit for discovering her.

At only 18 years old, Justin Bieber has a lifetime of cunting it up ahead of him. Here's hoping that he eventually gets his shit together. But I'm not getting my hopes up.

20 Things You Didn't Know About Britney Spears

Bow down.

1. For "...Baby One More Time", record label execs originally wanted an animated music video about Britney fighting robots. She told them it was a bad idea and pitched them the now-iconic Catholic school girl theme we see in the video today. Filming took place at Venice High School, where films like Grease and Heathers were also shot. Britney later called the cartoon robot idea the worst advice she's ever gotten.
2. Britney is the only person to perform live with both Madonna and Michael Jackson, and thanks to MJ kicking the bucket, she always will be.
3. The song "Umbrella" was originally written for Britney, but she rejected it and it was then given to Rihanna. (If only she took it... Would we be living in a Rihanna-less utopia today?!)
4. Britney's debut album was originally going to be similar to Sheryl Crow's music, but she ultimately decided to go in the pop direction and recorded most of ...Baby One More Time in Sweden.
5. In 2007, Britney embarked on a 6-date House of Blues concert tour under the pseudonym of The M+Ms. Once the public learned that the act was Britney, all the shows sold out. Tickets originally cost $35 but were scalped for as much as $500. Britney's set contained five songs. That's right! People coughed up half a grand to see the queen perform for 13 minutes!
6. Britney was in talks to join a girl group called Innosense when she was signed as a solo artist in 1997 instead. (wtf is innosence?)
7. Released during her highly publicized meltdown, Blackout is one of Britney's most critically-acclaimed albums and her only one to be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. It is also the album over which she had the most creative control, as she served as executive producer. #Blackout2.0
8. Before she was Lady Gaga, Stefani Germanotta was a songwriter for Britney, who recorded "Telephone" for her sixth album Circus but ultimately decided not to use it. So basically one of Lady G's biggest songs is a Britney leftover. Love it!
9. Britney's third album was self-titled because the singer said it reflected where she was in her life at the time; however, as Britney's release coincided with that of her film Crossroads, it was used as a de facto soundtrack for the movie. As a result, much of the album's personal material was scrapped in favor of songs that appeared in the film, such as the cover of "I Love Rock N Roll".
10. Britney was originally considered for the role of Daisy Duke in the film adaptation of The Dukes of Hazzard, but it ultimately went to Jessica Simpson. Thank God. That movie was a train wreck.
11. During the four years between In The Zone and Blackout, Britney recorded an entire album entitled The Original Doll. However, the album, which would have contained stripped down songs, was shelved for unknown reasons.
12. Britney's sons, Sean and Jayden, have been nicknamed French Fry and Tater Tot by the media.
13. Britney was the inspiration for the film Country Star, which chronicles the comeback of a fallen country star.
14. ClearChannel, the largest owner of radio stations in America, was so disgruntled when Britney chose Pepsi to sponsor her Dream Within a Dream tour over them that they banned her music from its stations for several years. For this reason, many of Britney's singles underperformed; she did not follow-up 1998's "...Baby One More Time" with another #1 in the U.S. until "Womanizer" ten years later.
15. Britney wrote "Everytime" after seeing ex-boyfriend Justin Timberlake's music video for "Cry Me a River", which features a Spears lookalike.
16. "Hold It Against Me" was originally written with Katy Perry in mind, until songwriters Max Martin and Dr. Luke decided it was better suited for Britney.
17. Britney was the sixth person to reach 10 million followers on Twitter.
18. Britney's film Crossroads was written by Shonda Rhymes, who later went on to create Grey's Anatomy.
19. Like many celebrities, Britney often travels under fake names. Some of these have included Mrs. Diana Prince, Queen of the Fairy Dance, and Mrs. Abra Cadabra.
20. Britney's debut album was originally going to be self-titled, but Jive Records wanted to capitalize on the success its lead single, "...Baby One More Time", was experiencing by naming the album after it. Oops!... I Did It Again was originally called Sunflower but was changed for the same reason. (Bonus: the reason "...Baby One More Time" appears as it does is because Jive feared that its full title, "Hit Me Baby One More Time", would be misconstrued as domestic violence.)

You Know What's Definitely NOT the Jam of the Week?

Justin Timberlake's "Suit and Tie". After a six-year hiatus, JT has finally made his much-anticipated return to music. But with loungey shit like this, ain't nobody gonna listen.

#tears

30 Reasons Why You're Not a True Britney Fan

She smells posers.

In today's world, it's hard to tell who's genuine and who's fake as fuck. One of the most colorful illustrations of this struggle is with the Britney fan. Obviously, you suck at life if you aren't a fan of the Queen of Pop. The trouble is, however, some people only pretend to be fans of Britney in order to avoid public persecution. What about YOU? Do you have what it takes to be a true fan, or are you just a poser? Let's see.

You are not a true Britney fan if...

1. Your favorite Britney song is "...Baby One More Time", "Oops!... I Did It Again", "Lucky", or "Toxic". If any of those are your favorite song, you are so basic and uninspired, it's embarrassing.
2. You didn't support her during the Dark Ages (2006-2008).
3. You have ever called yourself a little monster.
4. "My Only Wish (This Year)" is not one of your holiday music staples.
5. You don't acknowledge Blackout and Femme Fatale as not only her strongest albums, but some of the best albums of all time.
6. You try to insinuate that ...Baby One More Time is her best album to date.
7. You're unaware that Rihanna's "S&M" didn't go to #1 until Britney did the remix.
8. You've never been to a Britney Spears concert.
9. You've never seen The X Factor.
10. You don't know which music video the red jumpsuit is from. (It's "Oops!" in case you're one of them basic bitches.)
11. Your tumblr dashboard isn't full of Britney gifs.
12. You don't understand the importance of Starbucks, Cheetos, vanilla-scented candles, and Adele as they pertain to Britney.
13. You don't know who Jason Trawick is.
14. You took Justin Timberlake's side during the break-up.
15. You don't get the "Radar" joke.
16. You didn't even know there was a "Radar" joke until you read #15.
17. You think "Hit Me Baby One More Time" and "Dancing Till the World Ends" are the full titles of two of her songs.
18. You've ever been Team Christina.
19. You think she's a bad role model.
20. You think she's a bad mother.
21. The song title "Rebellion" means nothing to you.
22. You don't know who Sabi is.
23. You've never seen Crossroads.
24. You can't say which song "It's Britney, bitch" comes from.
25. You don't acknowledge the Madonna-Britney kiss as a passing of the torch from the former Queen of Pop to the current.
26. You don't know what "If U Seek Amy" means.
27. You didn't know that Rihanna's "Umbrella" and Lady Gaga's "Telephone" were both originally written for Britney, but she turned that shit down.
28. You don't think that December 2 should be a national holiday and Kentwood, Louisiana a national landmark.
29. You think "Soda Pop" is fun, catchy, and totally classic Britney.
30. You think The Original Doll is a nickname for whoever established The Pussycat Dolls.

There you have it. Thirty reasons why you may not be a true Britney fan. If you can say with absolute certainty that nothing on that list applies to you, congrats! Welcome to the family. However, if even one item describes you in the least bit, you can just go hang your head in shame. Ain't nobody got time for you.