Bitch of the Week: Emily Thorne

She a bad bitch.

She may be lost at sea with two bullet wounds in her gut, but there's no denying that Emily Thorne is and always will be Bitch of the Week material. Unfamiliar with the first bitchin' BoW of the New Year? Well, she's a mass manipulator and the center of the chess game of eternal fuckery that is Revenge.

To explain Revenge to someone who doesn't watch it is much like teacher a the blind how to color in the lines. Hell, explaining Revenge to someone who DOES watch the show isn't much easier. But with a title like that, you know it must breed bitches like no other. In the spirit of getting everyone on the same page, or at least in the same library, I'll take a stab at simplifying the fuck out of this sudsy storyline.

Emily Thorne was born Amanda Clarke, the apple of her beloved father David's eye. When she was a child, Emily saw her father carted off to jail for terrorism, and then murdered will he was in the slammer. Now, as an adult, Amanda has vowed to exact revenge upon the people who framed her father. With a new identity, she targets the two people most responsible, the patriarch and matriarch of America's most powerful family: Conrad Grayson, David's boss, and Victoria Grayson, David's mistress.

Essentially, it's The Count of Monte Cristo meets Gossip Girl. And as you can imagine, there's about a million other people involved, and just when you think you've finally caught on to what's going on, you realize that you're lost at sea.

Hey, that brings me back to my first point. You see, after taking down countless people who helped the Graysons frame her father, Emily was about to finally pull off the ultimate revenge we've all been waiting three seasons for: marry the eldest Grayson heir, Daniel, and then frame Victoria for her own murder. But something goes awry. Daniel finds out about Emily's lies (to a very limited extent), and shoots her in a drunken rage and now she's somewhere in the ocean.

The show returns from its winter hiatus this Sunday, and we'll finally learn Emily's fate. (Excuse me if I'm not shocked when she turns up alive... You know, being the fucking main character and all.)

So you know the basic plot of the show. But what makes Emily Thorne Bitch of the Week material? That's just it! To know why she's the ultimate bitch, and why she's setting the pace for all future BoWs in 2014, you have to watch the show. I'm not plugging, I'm just saying. Emily is cold, calculating, and brilliant. Her uncanny ability to manipulate everyone, predict their behavior, and set traps that they fall right into is something we should aspire to.

So cheers, Emily. When you wash up on the Hamptons shore, I hope you continue to be the devious bitch we all know and love

2013: A Year in Review

As we close out another year, it's important to celebrate the past twelve months we've spent with Tommy Time. Without further ado, here are your Jam of the Year, Cunt of the Year, and Bitch of the Year for 2013, as voted by you faithful readers...

Jam of the Year

It's no surprise that One Direction takes home the title, but it's puzzling that their new singles "Best Song Ever" and "Story of My Life", which were both nominated, were beat out by this album cut. Still, "Rock Me" is an epic and timeless jam full of thinly-veiled sexual innuendos. Doing us dirty proud, boys!

Cunt of the Year

Lady Gaga is, without a doubt, the biggest cunt in the music industry. Thankfully, you all recognized it. Together, we saw through the elaborate makeup, meat dresses, and equality anthems and saw this mediocre song-stealer for what she truly is. May all of Artpop's commercial and critical shortcomings haunt Lady Gag-me for all eternity.

Bitch of the Year

It's with an almost prohibitive reluctance that I thrust this honorable title among Jennifer Lawrence. As the comments on her Bitch of the Week post indicate, many readers fail to understand that the title is a sacred and celebratory one. Thus, I have no idea how those who voted for JLaw actually feel about her. That issue aside, Jennifer's saucy attitude and legend-in-the-making status are more than enough to secure the title. Well done!

And now, just for the sake of nostalgia, here are the most-viewed Tommy Time posts from 2013.

1. Where Are They Now?: Christy Carlson Romano
2. 20 Things You Didn't Know About Beverly Hills, 90210
3. Cunt of the Week: Justin Bieber
4. Bitch of the Week: Jennifer Lawrence
5. 20 Things You Didn't Know About Friends
6. Where Are They Now?: Lalaine
7. Bitch of the Week: Daisy Duck
8. Demi Lovato: Not a Cunt, Not Yet a Bitch
9. This or That: Selena Gomez vs. Demi Lovato
10. Go Call the Po-Lice! Go Call the Guv-uh-nuh! BRITNEY IS BACK TO WORK, BITCH!!!

Bitch of the Week: The Girls Next Door

#BetterThanYou

Bitch of the Week is traditionally awarded to one individual, but this week, the title is shared amongst a group of fierce bitches, the Girls Next Door. No, not the "cool babysitty" who lived kitty corner from you. I'm talking about the blindingly blonde, big breasted, bimbo brained Playboy bunnies that starred on the reality show The Girls Next Door.

The show followed Hugh Hefner's three girlfriends and their exploits while living in the Playboy Mansion. They were basically sorority girls who refused to grow up, but while that kind of shit annoys me to end, it totally works here. Let's take a closer look at the girls, shall we?

She knows all the tricks.

Firstly there's Holly Madison, Hef's number one girl (or former number one, but we'll get into that later). She's blonde and enjoys being domestic. It was obvious she didn't like sharing her "Puffin" with the other girls, but hey, she's the one that "got" to sleep in his bed. After the show ended, Holly revealed that she and Hef had been broken up for someone and maintained a fake relationship for the cameras. She then moved to Las Vegas, headlines her own burlesque show on the strip as well as her own reality show, and is now a mother.

Pretty much my mantra.

Then there's Bridget Marquardt, who is also blonde. As the "smart" one (she went to college or something), she's pretty fucking stupid. But that's fine, because she is also hilarious, but definitely the least famous girlfriend. Once she got the opportunity to film Bridget's Sexiest Beaches around the world, she was out of that mansion faster than you can say "c'mon ta my house, to my house, I'm gonna give you ca-an-dy!" Maybe she was the smart one!

Werk!

Lastly but not leastly, there's Kenda Wilkinson, the youngest and blondest of the girls. She marches to the beat of her own drummer and often think she's black. It's quite entertaining, and once she ditched Hef for hubby Hank Baskett, she continued her cray antics on her own show. She's now a mother, too. In fact, she might have two children.

So what makes these girls so wonderfully bitchy? Well, they made a fortune off of being pretty. They can't act, they can't sing, and they can't even really call themselves credible reality stars, because they never seemed in on the joke. They were simply good looking enough to enter the intriguing world of the Playboy Mansion, which then made them celebrities.

And what could be more bitchy than that? If you can make hella coinage for doing close to nothing, you are everything Bitch of the Week stands for. So well done, Holly, Bridget, and Kenda. Bitch on, ladies!

Bitch of the Week: Kitty Wilde

Full time diva.

The third season finale of Glee was a sad one, indeed. The show was barely on solid ground and it was about to go through a major rehaul that could make or break it. Half the New Directions graduated and departed for parts unknown. Finn forced Rachel to leave him behind and follow her dreams to New York while he enlisted in the army; she obliged because she knew it was time. At the time, nobody knew quite what it meant. Who was staying with the show? How would we keep up with characters who were dispersed across the country? But for me, the most important question was, will we keep Quinn Fabray?

The answer was, essentially, no. Dianna Agron reprised her devious role a meager three times in the fourth season and, in the midst of rumors that her frequent challenging of the show's creative direction got her ousted by head honcho Ryan Murphy, she hasn't been seen since. Unacceptable. BUT, thankfully the creative team behind Glee has realized they can't go far without a blonde, bitchy cheerleader in their ring.

Enter Kitty Wilde. Upon her debut in the season four premiere, Kitty is described a young Quinn Fabray, "except she's not pregnant, manic depressive, or in and out of a wheelchair." And indeed, she's a lot like Quinn. Dare I say, she's better? She's a thousand times meaner and can sing a hell of a lot more than Q.

At first, Kitty's friends with the glee kids, who are finally popular after winning nationals. But when they realize what a fabulous bitch she is, the pussies peace out. Whatever. Kitty don't care. She's got hottie Jake Puckerman on her arms. Until he leaves her for that cunt Marley for the same reasons her friends ditched her.

Kitty doesn't take this kind of bullshit sitting down and does what any bitch would. Step 1: repeatedly alter Marley's costumes for the school musical so that she'll think she's gaining weight. Step 2: suggest an eating disorder as a cure. And so continues the bulimia-induced love triangle that, unfortunately, Kitty doesn't win. But kudos to her for scoring glee alum Puck.

Eventually, the writers decided that Kitty shouldn't be a total raging bitch, so they softened her up a bit, paired her with Artie the paraplegic, and made her a supportive friend. I didn't like any of these changes, but I'm grateful that Kitty still retains her quick wit and bitchy quip. Here are some of my favorites:

• "My iced latte is too cold."
• "We could handle gimpy and the tarantula head and Richie Poor because you guys were national champs like us, but our invitation was not extended to pre-op Precious based on the novel Barf by Sapphire, and Mike and Molly's daughter, as part of our crew."
• "The Left Behind Club accepts everyone, even losers and lezzies."
• "See, [Jesus has] got an awesome dad named God who's throwing him a bitchin' party called Armageddon, where he's gonna get to kick off his sandals, dance a little bit, and judge the crap out of everybody."
• "To quote Shakespeare, 'There's no small parts, only fat actresses.'"
• "Now excuse me because just thinking about me and you dating makes me dryer than the cast of Hot in Cleveland."

Bitch of the Week: The Daughters of Triton

Strength in numbers.

With each passing day, it seems like the public fascination with Disney Princesses grows by two-fold. And don't get me wrong, I support that shit. But what about those Disney characters who are just as deserving of all the love? Specifically, what about the other princesses who are often ignored simply because they aren't part of the official line up? More specifically, what about the Daughters of King Triton?

As Ariel's other sisters, these six mermaids are all at least one step closer to the throne than Ariel, and are therefore are a little more royal than Ariel. But nobody cares because they don't have an interest in the human world. I bet they have pretty cool hobbies, but we'll never find out.

So what makes Aquata, Arista, Andrina, Atina, Alana, and Adella Bitch of the Week material? Well, let's start with their fun-as-fuck musical number in The Little Mermaid. It may be brief, but it shows that they all yearn for the limelight and command the stage, both of which are important traits for BoWs.

Secondly, there's their general appearance. Not to throw any shade at Ariel or anything, but girlfriend does not know how to match her shells to her fin. At least her sisters have that shit on lock, and they style their hair with chic sea accessories, something Ariel could also benefit from.

Over the years, we've learned a lot about these sisters, and much of that information contradicts one another. The eldest sister changes so often it's hard to keep track of, not that we can really remember which one is which anyway. The animated TV series randomly made one of the sisters overweight.

And The Little Mermaid 3: Ariel's Beginning really fucked things up when it attempted to give the sisters individual personalities. I mean, it was fun to learn that one of them is boy crazy and another doesn't like to dance, but that's just the tip of the iceberg. I want to know what makes these girls tick. What are their insecurities? What are their talents aside from singing? Were any of them touched as children? (It may seem irreverent, but it is important!)

While we'll never learn the answers to these questions, we can still celebrate what we know about these girls, which is that they are simply the bitchiest mermaids around. Ariel knew she couldn't take the heat so she got out of the ocean. Bow down to the Daughters of Triton!

Bitch of the Week: Tina Fey

Date night.

Tina Fey is the current Bitch of the Week and can we all say, FINALLY?! It's about time that the fucking Queen of Comedy got her Tommy Time dues.

I don't want to get the bras burning here, but Tina Fey has been a pioneering force for women in the entertainment industry, especially in the male-dominated world of comedy. Obviously, bitch got her start on Saturday Night Live as a writer in 1997 and was promoted to alpha bitch head writer two years later, becoming the show's first woman in the role.

Though she had appeared as an extra in previous sketches, Tina didn't become a main player for SNL until 2000, when she co-anchored the Weekend Update sketches with Jimmy Fallon. With Fallon's exit four years later, Tina was then paired with Amy Poehler. And the finest friendship in bitchstory was born.

In 2006, Tina departed SNL and went on to create and star in 30 Rock for seven seasons. But that didn't keep her away from the show that made her famous from long; who could forget her flawless Sarah Palin impressions?

Unfortunately, Tina's biography isn't nearly as funny or bitchy as the woman herself. So here's a little taste of why she's a Bitch of the Week in her own words...

• On stardom: "One day last week when I was writing, I was in my sweatpants, exhausted, and I realized I’d just eaten six Kit Kats in 10 minutes."
• On blondes: "Let’s admit it, yellow hair does have magic powers. You could put a blond wig on a hot-water heater and some dude would try to fuck it."
• On glasses: "Glasses would make anyone look smarter. You put glasses on Woody Harrelson in Indecent Proposal and he’s an architect. You put a pair of glasses on Denise Richards and she’s a paleontologist."
• On important social issues: "I feel about Photoshop the way some people feel about abortion. It is appalling and a tragic reflection on the moral decay of our society… unless I need it, in which case, everybody be cool."
• On other important social issues: "Gay people don’t actually try to convert people. That’s Jehovah’s Witnesses you’re thinking of."
• On the "women aren't funny" debate: "It’s one that now I feel free to opt out of because it’s just so boring. The fact that it’s still even talked about is just so, so boring and dumb."
• On Playboy bunnies: "I don’t know if you’ve noticed this, but every one of them — every single one — has those pencil-eraser nipples and an orangey-tanny body. I just don’t understand where the appeal is. If you’re going to be a whore, at least be original about it."
• On being named one of People's 50 Most Beautiful People: "I’ve been reading the ‘50 Most Beautiful People’ issue for years, and there’s always one person on the list who makes you think, ‘Give me a fucking break.’ This year, I’m proud to be that person."

Iconic.

Bitch of the Week: Heather Chandler

Preach!!!

If you haven't seen Heathers, you should stop reading right now because you're embarrassing and you need to watch the film asap! It's like Mean Girls but a lot darker and 80s. If you have seen the movie, you know it's about a group of choice bitches who all have the name Heather. There's Heather McNamara, a cheerleader who is dumb as all hell; Heather Duke, a bulimic played by a pre-90210 Shannen Doherty; and of course, Heather Chandler, the alpha bitch. (We know she's the queen bee because she has a red scrunchie.)

Heather is the ideal bitch. She's blonde, popular, and doesn't give compliments to anyone. She's also refreshingly aware of her status as a fucking legend amongst her peers: "They all want me as a friend or a fuck. I'm worshiped at Westerburg and I'm only a junior!" It's only natural that the other Heathers would want to ride on her coattails.

Oh yeah. There's also fucking Veronica, who you know is going to be a major cunt from the start because she doesn't have the right name and is played by Winona Ryder. Out of the goodness of her heart, Head Hancho Heather lets V into the group. "You wanted to be a member of the most powerful clique in school," she reminds her. "If I wasn't already the head of it, I'd want the same thing."

But that doesn't mean Veronica is spared from Heather's chic bitchery and commitment to honesty. None of her friends are! "Did you have a brain tumor for breakfast?" she asks a Heather after she requested to be red during a game of croquet. That's right, bitch plays croquet because that is some classy shit. "Grow up, Heather. Bulimia is so '87," she chastises the other Heather who's about to have a finger for dessert.

When Heather isn't busy giving her friends complexes or forging sex notes to mock the socially undesirable, she's attending college parties. In a lapse of judgment, she brings Veronica to one such party #evenbitchesmakemistakes. Naturally, Veronica is so embarrassing because she refuses to hook up with a guy and then throws up. Heather does not let this humiliation go unscathed:

You stupid fuck! I brought you to a Remington party and what's my thanks? It's on a hallway carpet. I got paid in puke. You were nothing before you met me. You were playing Barbies with Betty Finn. You were a Bluebird. You were a Brownie. You were a Girl Scout cookie.

But being so flawless doesn't go unpunished. For every true bitch, there's 100 pressed haters just waiting to watch her fall. So when Veronica befriends a trigger-happy loner named JD, they decide that Heather needs to die. And not in a John Tucker Must Die kind of way. Like actually die. They poison her with drain cleaner and she dies in an apparent suicide, taking out a fabulous glass coffee table with her.

RIP.

And that's all in the first 20 minutes! It takes a true bitch to make such an impact in only the first act of a movie. So well done, Heather! You'll always be the only Heather in my heart, even if Heather Duke tried to wear red after you died.

Bitch of the Week: Anderson Cooper

We should all be as lucky as that sloth.

The news can be boring as all fuck. However, give me a news anchor who's equal parts attractive and sassy, and I'm set. That recipe manifests itself in Anderson Cooper, this week's silver fox BoW. As the host of CNN's Anderson Cooper 360, the Coop reports important world news. But most importantly, he looks good doing it. In the daytime, he shows off his less serious side on his talk show, Anderson Live. And he looks good doing that, too.

To understand what makes Anderson such a good bitch, we must look at his past. Firstly, he's a Vanderbilt, which means he has money honey. Secondly, he was a child model, which means he was always beautiful. Thirdly, he's gay, and it's nice to have people like him on the team to balance out Boy George. (Anderson is so gay he provided a voice over narration for the Broadway show How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying.)

Since coming out of the closet last year, Anderson has been considerably more fun and therefore a better bitch. He frequently teams up with the likes of Kathy Griffin and Kelly Ripa for barrels of laughs, talks about his love for The Real Housewives of Atlanta, and calls out celebrities and other public figures on their bullshit during the Ridicu-list. Most deliciously, he's been linked to fellow bitch Andy Cohen, mostly because of the Instagrams below.

Hmm...

What a power couple they would make! Unfortunately, it doesn't seem like they're actually together. By we can dream, can't we?

There's honestly no part about Anderson that isn't perfectly bitchy. Even his name is the pinnacle of bitchery!

Bitch of the Week: Kim Kardashian

Stay pressed.

First Kourtney, then Khloé. Finally, Kim Kardashian gets to join the ranks of her sisters as Bitch of the Week. It's about fucking time! Often heralded as one of the stupidest people alive and the bane of pop culture, I would argue that Kim is one of the most intelligent and influential people to ever walk this earth because she understands the art of bitchery like she understands how to use a compass for baby-naming purposes.

At a young age, Kim knew that she was destined to not only make Armenians a pop culturally relevant race, but also to achieve the pinnacle of fame: being famous for just being you! Slowly but surely, Kim was making her way. Her dad was famous for getting OJ Simpson off the hook, her stepdad was an Olympic gold medalist, and she had a secret marriage under her belt at age 19. Bitch was concocting the perfect recipe for fame. Then came the Hilton era.

When frenemy Paris Hilton beat her to the punch with a sex tape and reality show, Kim knew she had to fight fire with fire. So she filmed her own sex tape, which led to her own reality show. And whereas Paris ditched sister Nicky, Kim understood there was strength in numbers, and took all 112 members of the Kardashian clan with her on her journey to stardom.

And the world has never been the same. With each passing year comes a new Kardashian spin-off and another reason that Kim is one of the most famous people on the planet. Now she's not only a socialite and reality star, but she's an actress, a singer, and most importantly, a businesswoman.

But chronicling Kim's successes cannot overshadow one very big failure: her marriage to neanderthal Kris Humphries, which infamously lasted 72 days. Should Kim have thought twice about marrying a guy with the same name as her own mother? Sure. But do I think it's fake? Absolutely not. As with most bitches, Kim abides by the rule that if something isn't working out to your liking, you quit!

Besides, if Kim didn't file for divorce, she wouldn't have been free to start a family with her male ego equivalent, Kanye West. Currently, Kim is in hiding so that her post-birth pictures will be worth more. Bitchery at it's finest.

Before we conclude, let's take a look at some fun quotes, shall we?

• On her love for the sun: "I love the sun but don't have time to get a good tan and keep it year-round, so I am a huge fan of tanning products."
• On her love for nephew Mason: "Let's just say that Mason is the best birth control ever. I'm definitely happy to wait for a while."
• On the one time Beliebers lost their shit: "Is that not ridiculous that people thought that Justin Bieber and I were on a vacation together, on a romantic vacation, in the bahamas, and I just happened to wear a gown as my swimsuit and red lips and he's dressed in a suit in the ocean? Seriously, who would walk to the beach like that?"
• On her proud heritage: "I am Armenian, so of course I am obsessed with laser hair removal! Arms, bikini, leg, underarms... my entire body is hairless!"
• On her career goals: "I want to be a teacher."
• On her preference for cable television vs. network: "The perfect date for me would be staying at home, making a big picnic in bed, eating Wotsits and cookies while watching cable TV." 
• On Paris Hilton: "If Paris Hilton thinks my butt looks gross, I really don't care. At least I have a butt."
• On global crises: "I hate when women wear the wrong foundation color. It might be the worst thing on the planet when they wear their makeup too light."
• On politics: "[Barack Obama] just seemed very firm about the change, and that's, like, his motto."

 And, of course, my personal favorite.

Bitch of the Week: Scarlett O'Hara

Fiddle dee dee.

Gone With the Wind has been called a lot of things: a masterpiece, an epic story of romance, one of the greatest films of all time, etc. If you ask me, I say it's a fascinating but overinflated wartime soap opera that glamorizes slavery but, more importantly, celebrates bitchery in its true form. Scarlett O'Hara, the film's protagonist, proves that you can still be a megabitch, even in the face of poverty, death, social upheaval, and hideously misguided fashion choices.

If you haven't seen the film, the entire premise centers around this: Scarlett learns that the man of her dreams, Ashley Wilkes, is engaged to Melanie Hamilton. "Not if I can help it," is essentially Scarlett's response, and what follows is a four-hour saga in which she blows through three marriages, nurses wounded soldiers, nearly starves to death, and single-handedly revives Tara, her desolate family plantation, all in hopes of winning Ashley in the end. All the while, Rhett Butler, a disgraced playboy of sorts, vies for her affection. But forget all that Civil War crap! Let's delve into Scarlett's undeniable bitchery.

When the film begins, Scarlett is living the dream on Tara. Her milkshake brings all the boys to the plantation, she's the center of attention at every party, and she exercises her bitch reflexes through non-stop bickering with a sassy house slave named, with such racial sensitivity, Mammy. Of course, with all the talk about a potential civil war, Scarlett is BORED AS HELL.

And even though Scarlett can have any man she wants, a man isn't anything to her if he isn't Ashley Wilkes. When Ashley rebuffs her romantic advances and marries Melanie as arranged, Scarlett snatches up Melanie's brother Charles and marries him faster than you can say "great balls of fire." Just as swiftly, the poor bastard goes to war and dies. (What can ya do?) Scarlett isn't phased. "My life is over," she assesses. "Nothing will ever happen to me anymore!"

Tired of mourning, Scarlett hits up the social scene in Atlanta, where she also works as nurse tending to wounded soldiers. Until she quits. "I'm going home," she says upon being asked to help with an amputation. "I've done enough." Home is hardly any different, as Scarlett promises Ashley that she'll care for an ailing and pregnant Melanie while he's off to war. Scarlett keeps her promise, but secretly plans to steal Ashley once he returns. #HomewreckersHaveMoreFun

A few Yankee invasions later, Scarlett, Melanie, the baby, and a basic bitch of a house slave named Prissy embark on the long journey back to Tara. With no food, their travels nearly kill them, and they arrive at the plantation to find that it's gone to shit. This is when S does her whole "As god is my witness, I'll never be hungry again!" spiel.

With no help from her reductive sisters, Scarlett brings the plantation back to prosperity and rewards herself by marrying her sister's beau, Frank Kennedy, whose general store and lumber mill make Scarlett very wealthy again. Of course, when Scarlett is nearly gang raped in a shantytown, Frank and his pals raid the impoverished community, and he dies. Oh well! C'est la vie.

Scarhett.

Now, after years of unrequited love, Rhett finally has his chance. Scarlett agrees to marry him, just for the fun of it, and they have a child, Bonnie. (At this point, I should mention that Scarhett, as I'm calling them, had crossed paths numerable times, and she repeatedly aroused him with her rejection.)

However, an embrace between Scarlett and Ashley sparks rumors that they're engaged in an illicit affair, which puts a damper on their marriage. There's also the fact that, like a true bitch, Scarlett didn't appreciate that Bonnie totally fucked up her figure, and now she doesn't want any more children. So in a drunken fit, Rhett rapes her. Then she gets pregnant. Then has a miscarriage. Then Bonnie dies. Then Melanie dies, and Scarlett finally realizes that Ashley was truly in love with his wife and never Scarlett. And Scarlett herself discovers that she truly loves Rhett. But it's all too late, as Rhett leaves her. She picks herself up once again, and like a champ, vows to get Rhett back. "After all," she tells herself. "Tomorrow's another day." And that's the end.

So, after Scarlett buries two husbands and both parents, survives war, near starvation, and povety, and endures rape, a miscarriage, the loss of her child, and assault, the only thing she learns is that she's been chasing the wrong guy. Gotta love this girl!

Carry on, my bitches.

Bitch of the Week: Miley Cyrus

Get on her level.

It takes a certain kind of person to be able to do whatever the fuck they want and have the only response be, "She's just being Miley!" That kind of person is a Bitch of the Week. In what I personally believe is a long overdue honor, Miley Cyrus is officially the reigning BoW.

Destiny Hope Cyrus was born to a one-hit wonder and his trophy wife in 1992. Why did she have this name, you're probably asking if you don't already know. Well, according to her parents, it was her destiny to bring hope to this world. Luckily, Miss Cyrus knew that her true destiny was to one-up her mullet-touting father and become one of the most successful teen idols of all time. I hardly have to tell you what that journey entailed, but here it is in a nutshell: a blonde wig, a plethora of controversies, and a whole lotta bitchery.

So why is Miley our Bitch of the Week? Let us count the ways.

1. Her jams

Like no other Disney star before or after her, Miley has turned out countless jams. "See You Again", "7 Things", "The Climb", "Party in the USA", "When I Look at You", "Can't Be Tamed", and her latest hit "We Can't Stop" are just a few of the many examples.

2. Her man

People can say that Miley's ugly, especially after her new haircut. But she's engaged to some prime eye candy. Of course, Miley's always had an envious love life. Her first publicized romance was with tween heartthrob Nick Jonas, and that's when the anti-Miley sentiment first originated.

I know how you feel, girl.

3. Her numerous controversies

Miley understands the art of bitchery like Taylor Swift understands how to lose a boyfriend. Since the age of 15, Miss Cyrus has had few controversy-free moments, which only solidifies were status as a Bitch of the Week. She's taken countless racy photos, whether they be scandy shower shots that flirt on the border of child pornography or the infamous Vanity Fair cover. She danced on a pole at the Teen Choice Awards and was video taped taking a hit of marijuana salvia from a bong. And let's not forget her leather-clad Can't Be Tamed days, or her more recent twerk-a-thons. Shit, Miley knows how to keep people talking than anyone else in the biz.

4. Her quotes

• "Pink isn't just a color, it's an attitude!"
• "It's ignorant not to talk to your kids about [sex] or not make it seem as magical or cool as it actually is. Kids have a TV, so they know what sex is. So educate them and let them know … it's a beautiful thing, and it is magic..."
• "Miley doesn't need to do anything but sit and chill and make music that I love, and make art that means something to me."
• "I wrote ["Liberty Walk"] for women that feel like they're stuck in abusive relationships, but it's a dance song. So you think that must be kind of a sad ballad, but it's a party song."
• "I almost feel like people think of me as dumb...I'm like, I'm smarter than you think. You know, I understand what you're trying to do. It's all a mind game and what not."
• "People thought I was gonna be this dumb white girl that was, like twerking around and had no real thoughts."

5. Her way of dealing with the paparazzi

6. She's doing shit that we all want done

She's leading the call for black emojis, which is something we could all benefit from, tbh.

7. She dgafs hardcore

Miley literally does not give a single fuck. Demi and Selena threaten her position as alpha bitch at Disney? Miley posts a YouTube video making fun of them. Parents complain that she's too slutty? She pulls a Hannah Montana and says nobody's perfect, and then sluts it up even more. The paparazzi get all up in her grill? She starts filming them to give them a taste of their own medicine. People diss her new haircut? She makes it even fuglier (see below).

There's a lot to love about Miley. She's the ultimate summer bitch, and I'm confident that she'll be bitching it up for years to come.

Uncanny.

Bitch of the Week: Pam from True Blood

Bitches live forever.

In anticipation of True Blood's triumphant return to television this weekend, I'm giving Bitch of the Week to none other than Pam, who brings her own vampirical sass to Bon Temps. For those of you that are too lily-livered to watch the sexy goriness of True Blood and don't know what it's about, the show follows a Louisiana community plagued with vampires, fairies, witches, werewolves, and other supernatural creatures.

Back in 1905, Pam was the madame of a San Francisco brothel. One night, she fell in love with Eric Northman, a vampire who saved her life. Fearing life as an old ex-whore, Pam attempted suicide so that Eric would turn her into one of his own. And it worked. (Classic bitch manipulation. Love it!)

Hot damn! ASkar in a top hot.

So those are pretty much the first few reasons why Pam is a grade-A bitch. Not only was she a sassy prostitute, but she managed to steal the heart of Eric, who's played by the most beautiful specimen in the world, Alexander Skarsgård. And that was just at the turn of the century! Naturally, in the 100+ years that followed, Pam bitched it up in countless ways for generations of mortals.

As Eric's right-hand woman and occasional lover, she helps him run Fangtasia, a popular vampire bar. It's a job she does well, but that doesn't mean she does it with much enthusiasm. You see, Pam's view on life is to be sarcastic, demeaning, and rude to almost everyone. This is especially true when Eric starts falling for some basic, irrelevant, gap-toothed, mind-reading fairy/waitress named Sookie. Let's look at some examples:

• On Sookie: "I am so over Sookie and her precious fairy vagina and her unbelievably stupid name."
• On the importance of deadlines: "I'll give you 24 hours to deliver that witch to me, and if you don't, I'll personally fuck, eat, and kill all three of you."
• On being a good friend: "I don't know what it is about me that makes people think I want to hear their problems. Maybe I smile too much. Maybe I wear too much pink. But please remember I can rip your throat out if I need to."
• On girl power: "Did I miss something? Are we girls now? Did we join a book club and read some queer chick lit memoirs and are bound together by estrogen or sisterhood or some other feminist drivel?"
• On redheads: "Don't play games with me, you little ginger bitch."
• On team work: "I'm wearin' a Walmart sweatsuit for y'all. If that is not a demonstration of team spirit, I don't know what is."
• On witches: "Let me kill this uppity Wiccan cunt."

Thank God True Blood is on HBO, so bitches like Pam don't have to abide by the restraints of television censorship and we can enjoy them in all their glory.

And there you have it. Thankfully Pam is a vampire and will live for posterity, so the world, albeit a fictional one, can enjoy her sass for ever.

This should be the mantra for all BoWs.

Bitch of the Week: Nicki Minaj (Is Who You Ain't Fuckin' With)

Do you think that's her natural
hair color?

What do you get when you take Lil Wayne, trade in his penis for Kim Kardashian's ass, and throw her into Lady Gaga's dressing room? You get the reigning Bitch of the Week, Nicki fucking Minaj.

For those of you who don't know, Her Minajesty is arguably the most popular and successful female rapper of all time. Beginning in 2010, she was pretty much featured in more songs than Pitbull, Flo Rida, and Timbaland combined. Even more impressive is her solo career, which has spawned jams such as "Moment 4 Life", "Super Bass", and "Starships".

Nicki is the perfect candidate for Bitch of the Week for countless reasons. First of all, she has her own verb conjugation that is beyond, as evidenced by classic lyric "I beez in the trap;" a lesser rapper would have just said "I am in the trap," but Nicki knew das tacky. Nicki is always delivering innovative lyrics (or "spittin' mad rhymes," as I'm told they say on the streets). Let's look at some examples.

• "Kiss my ass and my anus, cuz it's finally famous."
• "You're like a candy store, and I'm a toddler."
• "If you could turn back time; Cher! You used to be here now you're gone; Nair!"
• "Ra, ra, like a dungeon dragon!"
• "I'm a bad bitch I'm a cunt/I'll kick that ho, punt/Force trauma, blunt/You play the back, bitch I'm in the front!"
• "If I had a dick, I would pull it out and piss on 'em!"

And as with most bitches, Nicki has some pressed haters. When Nicki was quickly becoming the alpha bitch of the hip-hop world, something called a lil kim came out of the woodwork and accused NM of swagger jacking: "If you are going to steal my swag, you gonna have to pay. Something gotta give. You help me, I help you. That's how it goes to me." Never one to take anyone's bullshit laying down, Nicki responded by saying:

She picked a fight with Foxy, then she picked a fight with Eva, then she picked a fight with Remy, then it was Mrs. Wallace, then it was Nicki Minaj. Every time you in the news, it’s 'cause you gettin' at somebody! Where’s your music? Put your music out, and when I see your name on Billboard, that’s when I’ll respond to you. Other than that, goodbye. It’s Barbie, bitch.

Not only did Nicki take a swipe at Lil Kim's lack of success, but she referred to herself in the third person, which only a true bitch can pull off!

But that's not all. Who can forget Nicki's feud with Mariah Carey while they co-judged the fifty-ninth twelfth season of American Idol? Their rivalry started covered much ground, from passive aggressive eye rolls to full-on death threats. But everyone knows that Mariah is a piggish hasbeen while Nicki reigns supreme.

Of course, I cannot in good conscience give Nicki Bitch of the Week without allowing her to share the title with Roman Zolanski, her evil gay twin brother that was born inside her while she was still in the womb. He's been the influence for some of her greatest songs, included "Roman Holiday" and former Jam of the Week "Roman's Revenge".

At the end of the day, only the Barbz and Ken Dolls (the fans of Nicki, named for her affinity for Barbie), will truly understand what makes Nicki a bitch. There's only so much of her merit I can articulate. To fully grasp it, you must delve into her music. I implore you to do so, if you haven't already.

Bitch of the Week: Daisy Duck

Doin' it with sass cuz she's got a big ass.

In a world where animated cunts like Minnie Mouse reign supreme, it's important to celebrate the bitches who keep them in check. The current Bitch of the Week is Daisy Duck, the tragically underrated lady friend of Donald Duck. Sassy, loud, and self-absorbed, Daisy has all the makings of a textbook BoW.

Daisy always makes a grand entrance.

Originally introduced as Donna Duck in 1937, Daisy has been bitching it up with the best of them for decades. Whether she's fighting with Donald, annoying Minnie for her own amusement, or being too vain to comprehend the world around her, Daisy has bitchery down to a fine science. And it's a skill that has proven incredibly useful, as girlfriend has been marginalized time and time again.

You see, in the Disney world, there's this thing called the Fab Five. It's a collective title for the classic characters: Mickey, Minnie, Donald, Goofy, and Pluto. You may be asking yourself, Where's Daisy? That's a good fucking question because I have no idea. The simple truth is the party doesn't start until Daisy rolls in, so that fact that this so-called "Fab" Five thinks it can just ignore her is completely preposterous.

"Oh hey, Daisy! Just having fun without you. Fuck you!"

The most logical explanation for it all is that Daisy is simply too busy to hang around these clowns 24/7. Think about it: Donald's unchivalrous and temperamental demeanor must be exhausting, and being Minnie's best friend must take its toll as well, seeing as how Minnie is a self-centered, attention-seeking whore. In fact, Daisy is a saint for putting up with any of this bullshit at all! Still, she knows how to have a good time and not only add some color to the dull lives of her friends, but entertain millions around the world. I'll leave you with this, my absolutely favorite Daisy Duck cartoons (not as if there are a lot to choose from). Ladies and gentlemen, please enjoy "Daisy's Road Trip".

Bitch of the Week: Sharpay Evans

"I need fabulous."

How many of you can say that you drive a pink convertible, take up two customized lockers at school, and have a theme song entitled "Fabulous"? I'm guessing not a single one of you. That's because you're not Sharpay Evans, the ambitious and manipulative diva from the High School Musical triology. (Disclaimer: this article will hereby refuse to acknowledge the fourth film in the franchise, Sharpay's Fabulous Adventure. That's some real caca.) As if I even need to explain why she's getting Bitch of the Week, let's start with the fact that she's portrayed by former BoW Ashley Tisdale. That's a Tommy Time first, so this shit's historic. Aside from this feat, there are many other reasons, which we'll discuss below.

First off, Sharpay knows how to get shit done. Better yet, she knows how to get other people to get shit done for her. Her in-the-closet twin brother Ryan is always willing to do her bidding. Even when he has an attack of morality and sabotages her schemes, he always comes running back, usually in floral-print pants and knee-high boots. There's also Kelsey, East High's resident troll, who writes all of Sharpay's original musical numbers. And then there's the fucking Sharpettes. As annoying as they are, they're clearly willing to sacrifice individuality to serve their queen. Love it!

Secondly, Sharpay will do anything to be in the limelight. In High School Musical, it's moving the callbacks for the winter musical to eliminate her only competition, Troy and Gabriella. In High School Musical 2, it's seducing Troy with luxury and opportunity into ditching Gabriella and singing with her instead. In High School Musical 3: Senior Year, Sharpay gets Gabriella's sorry ass banished from East High so she can assume her rightful place as the spring musical's lead.

Thirdly, Sharpay is just a total bitch. I'll let her do the talking:

• On being a good person: "What did I do to deserve this? I've never lied, except when necessary, and I always bought mom and dad expensive gifts... using their credit card of course. I don't deserve this humiliation."
• On her classmates: "Do you want us to lose the Star Dazzle award to a bunch of dishwashers?" 
• On professionalism: "Oh we can hold hands around the campfire some other time! Right now we got a show to do."
• On her dear mother: "Don't you mention that backstabbing yogini to me!"

Need I say more?

Bitch of the Week: Regina George, the Alpha Bitch

The Bitch that started it all.

Regina George. Does this even require an explanation? The Bitch of the Week is Regina George. And you should just fucking understand what that means because Regina George is the epitome of the Bitch of the Week. But I'll go on, because no breath should be spared when it comes to celebrating a bitch.

In the world of Mean Girls, the Plastics reign supreme. And as the plastic pack master, Regina is la crème de la fucking crème of bitches. Her skills are boundless. From three-way phone calls to making her parents trade rooms with her, there's nothing Regina cannot do. Of course, her most notable triumph is the burn book and its subsequent distribution throughout school. Seriously, making the entire junior class think that they were talking mad shit about each other? #brava

As with many Mean Girls characters, Regina is full of the greatest one-liners, only hers are dripping in bitchery. Read and learn.

• "So you agree? You think you're really pretty?"
• "Get in, loser. We're going shopping." 
• "I love her. She's like a Martian."
• "I know she's kind of socially retarded and weird, but she's my friend. So just promise me you won't make fun of her."
• "I mean, I couldn't have a lesbian at my party. There were gonna be girls there in their bathing suits. I mean, right? She was a lesbian."
• "Because that vest was disgusting!"
• "I can't go to Taco Bell, I'm on an all-carb diet. God, Karen! You're so stupid."
• "Boo, you whore!"
• "Who does she think she is? I like invented her, you know what I mean?"

Clearly, bitchery comes to Regina as easily as breathing. Sure, she has her Achilles heal. I mean, it was way too easy for Cady to trick her into gaining weight. But then she survived being hit by a fucking bus. It goes to show you that you can knock a bitch down, but you can't keep her down. She's a bitchy as the best of 'em, and it's only appropriate that she enjoy her reign as the current Bitch of the Week.

Bitch of the Week: Betty White

Like you're really surprised!

If there's one thing I've learned, it's that people change. As such, many of our former Bitches of the Week may not be worthy of the title days, months, or years from now. Yes, only the baddest bitches withstand the test of time, and at 91 years old, I think it's safe to say that our next BoW will forever live in bitchery. It's Betty Fucking White.

Betty has been famous basically since Hollywood got started. She was a mega radio star but catapulted into fame with her roles in The Mary Tyler Moore Show and Golden Girls. Ever since then, errybody wants a piece of her. She be winning awards left and right, guest starring on shows up the wazoo, and writing books like crazy. She even has a calendar of her pictured with various animals. If that's not bitchery, I don't know what is.

Since Betty is so old, she can get away with doing and saying a bunch of shit that your average, pre-menopause bitch couldn't. And it just makes her all the more amazing. For example...

• "Why do people say 'grow some balls'? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding."
• "All creatures must learn to coexist. That’s why the brown bear and the field mouse can share their lives in harmony. Of course, they can’t mate or the mice would explode."
• "I may be a senior, but so what? I'm still hot."
• "I have a two-story house and a bad memory, so I'm up and down those stairs all the time. That's my exercise."
• "People have told me, 'Betty, Facebook is a great way to keep in touch with old friends.' At my age, if I wanted to keep in touch with old friends, I'd need a Ouija board."

Clearly, Betty is a classic bitch and you all can deal. She is fantastic and would totally win the Lifetime Achievement of Bitchery Award if I had one. (Idea!)

Bitch of the Week: Darren Criss

Bitchin' shades for a bitchin' Bitch of the Week.

The Bitch of the Week list is, contrary to what some basic and illiterate dumbasses think, an honor. It's an incredibly prestigious and selective collection of life's biggest badasses. God was having a good day when bitches like Jennie Garth, Kourtney Kardashian, and Chelsea Handler were born.

That said, every once in a while, even amongst the greatest bitches of all time and space, one individual somehow stands out. Darren Criss is that individual. And rather than attempt to fully articulate what makes him one of my personal favorite BOWs, I think it would be most effective to just list 'em. Let us count the ways.

• He makes Glee bearable. The show is currently a hot mess with a nice piece of eye candy who can sing like a canary. Without Darren, it would just be a hot mess.
• Every inch of him is perfection.
• He loves Disney, even enough to frequently cover "Part of Your World" at his concerts.
• He is incredibly generous with time when it comes to his fans.
• He's the mastermind behind the Harry Potter musical thing. Personally, dgaf. But it seems to bring people joy, so...
• He speaks Italian.
• He gave "Teenage Dream" new life.
• Before he was famous, he lived in San Francisco and Hawaii. And in case you're wondering, the ethnic combination that created his beauty is Chinese, Spanish, Filipino, and Irish.
• He does way more for the gay community that Chris Colfer (Kurt on Glee), who's actually gay.
• His talents are boundless. He plays basically every instrument and he's even on Broadway!
• He wears bow ties (only on Glee, but still). But he's a pretty swanky dresser in real life, too.
• He's not afraid to act a fool.
• He will star in Girl Most Likely with Kristen Wiig, which is like a wild fantasy come true.

If you're still not convinced...

How can you say no to this face?

Let's get some quotes up in this bitch, shall we?

• At the Deathly Hallows premiere: "There's been a terrible mistake. Someone really screwed up and let my nutty ass in here."
• On Kardashian Konfidential: "The Kardashians have a book? What the fuck?" (Clearly, he wasn't balking at the concept of the Kardashians as writers, but rather he was scandalized that he wasn't in the know about his fellow BOWs' projects.)
• On his amazing bod: "I feel bad for people who don't have my body."
• On the color purple: "Whether you're gay, straight, purple, orange, or dinosaur. I don't care."
• On... Well, I'm not sure: "Ahoy, everybody! Hello, um... This is Darren Criss and I just wanted to let you know that you're listening to... Fuck, what was it called?"

And there we have it. A bitch of a different hue. Don't worry, I'll resume to honoring classical bitches soon enough, but I felt like it was really important to get Darren Criss in on this action. Have a bitchin' weeking, everyone. And remember...

Demi Lovato: Not a Cunt, Not Yet a Bitch

Demi desperately trying to be Miley.

Ever since the advent of Tommy Time's Bitch and Cunt of the Week, I've struggled to determine which title was best suited for Disney darling Demi Lovato. Not matter how much time I spend assessing the situation, I reach only one conclusion: Demi doesn't belong in either category; rather, she exists, quite possibly alone, in an in-between state. This post will explain why.

The story of how Demi rose to fame is nothing special. After Hilary Duff showed Disney Channel they could turn mediocre-at-best child actors into mediocre-at-best singers, the company began looking for anyone they could turn into a million-dollar brand. Existing assets like Raven were immediately put on the fast track for (often ill-fated) music careers. New stars were introduced in music-oriented programing, like Miley Cyrus in Hannah Montana, so the transition from actress to pop star would be seamless.

Everything people hate about Disney Channel.

So when Demi found herself cast in Camp Rock in 2008, she was clearly just another lucky victim of the Disney machine. At first, she was harmless. Sure, Camp Rock would never be as good as High School Musical, and Demi had some fugly ass bangs. But she would never be as bad as Miley, who was starting to shred her kid-friendly image one scandalous photo at a time, right?

For a while, it seemed that way. Demi was fortunate enough to have gotten "in" with the Jonas Brothers. (For whatever reason, in a pre-Bieber world, the girlfriends of teen heartthrobs were embraced by the fans, not threatened.) She was also biffles with fellow Disney starlet and Miley antithesis Selena Gomez, a friendship that culminated in the television movie Princess Protection Program. (Yes, it was as bad as it sounds.) At this time, Demi was still no where near cool enough to be a bitch, but was by no means a cunt.

Then came the pictures. Demi got her first taste of scandal when the tabloids went nuts over red carpet photos of the young starlet with what looked like scars on her wrists. Don't get me wrong; self-harming tendencies are seriously sad and by no means make her a cunt. However, when she blamed the scars on candy bracelets, I was starting to get over it. If you're going to lie about it, let's make it a little more believable. Last time I checked, candy bracelets don't draw blood.

One of the few times the Golden Trio was ever together.

Not too long after, Demi and Selena had a falling out. While Demi was partying hard with her Camp Rock 2 costars, Selena was slowly gaining fame outside of the Mouse House through her friendship with Taylor Swift and alleged romance with Taylor Lautner. The two were no longer seeing eye to eye, and Demi was clearly on a downward spiral of self-harm and self-indulgence.

In 2010, she reached rock bottom when she pulled out of a joint concert tour with the Jonas Brothers and entered a rehab facility for undisclosed physical and emotional issues. As you all know, word soon got out that Demi was indeed cutting herself, and that she also suffered from an eating disorder. She was released four months later. She used her experiences for good and spoke out against the bullying that caused the majority of her pain, which is commendable. The media celebrated her recovery, as they should.

However, what people fail to remember is that Demi was not only getting treated for bulimia and cutting, but also for a cocaine addiction. In fact, the only reason she went to rehab is because her back-up dancer reported Demi's little drug habit to their tour manager. When Demi responded by punching the dancer in the face, her people decided it was high time she got some help. I'm glad Demi is turning her darkest days into something positive, but it always pissed me off that everything else was swept under the rug. She was a victim, for sure, but she also had some 'splaining to do. #IMeanAmIRightOrAmIRight

Since then, however, Demi has really pulled a 180. Is there anyone who wouldn't agree that "Give Your Heart a Break" is a jam? She also proved to be a sassy, passionate, and insightful judge on The X Factor, and even conceded on more than one occasion that fellow judge Britney Spears was her superior. Clearly, she got her shit together.

In conclusion, Demi has had a checkered past. Despite the fact that she could sing circles around Miley or Selena, I've always found her less interesting. And after her monumental personal problems, I'll admit I didn't like her that much at all. #RihannaSyndrome But she's made it really hard to hate her in the past year, and I've definitely become a fan. However, she still lacks the badassness required to be Bitch of the Week. Maybe in the future she'll find herself on that prestigious list. Until then, this will have to do.

Bitch of the Week: Spice Girls

Does anyone remember them looking this frightening?

Life was so much simpler back in the 90s. In those days, your biggest identity crisis could be solved by simply asking yourself which Spice Girl were you most like. There was one for everyone: Ginger, the fiery leader; Posh, the stuck-up diva; Scary, the loud and eccentric wild child; Sporty, the tomboy' and Baby, the innocent youngster. No matter which one you were, you were certainly ready to spice up your life. And now they're here to spice up Bitch of the Week!

The Spice Girls are probably best known for their song "Wannabe": "Yo, I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want," "If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends," etc. Don't even pretend like you don't know the words. (I'll excuse you if you don't remember the rap.) But they have so many classics that could really score your entire life. "Say You'll Be There", "2 Become 1", "Mama", "Spice Up Your Life", "Stop", and "Viva Forever" are just a few. Play any one of these songs and nostalgia and hijinks are sure to ensue.

If you weren't a fan of the Spice Girls, you were basically fucked, because these bitches were everywhere. They had best-selling albums, hit singles, video games, dolls, films, candy, and countless sponsorships with every company from Pepsi to Polaroid. The girls became British icons, both as individuals and as a group, and led to a surge of cultural girl power and a second British Wave in America, reaching an oversees population not seen from a UK band since the Beatles.

Putting aside their talent and public image, let's get to the real reason these gals are the collectively the Bitch of the Week. Like the Supremes, the Pussycat Dolls, and all other great girl groups, the Spice Girls had DRAMA. Reportedly, there was a lot of in-group fighting from Day 1, particularly between Geri Halliwell (Ginger) and Mel B (Scary). Also, Emma Bunton (Baby) was allegedly hooking with the band's manager, Simon Fuller (not so innocent after all!). During this time, Posh Spice became Victoria Beckham and became a mainstream celeb in her own right, leading to her four bandmates to get pressed as fuck. Meanwhile, Mel C (Sporty) wasn't doing shit.

All the while, the girls were embracing their alter egos and becoming cartoonish parodies of themselves. Geri was having none of this and left the group. The remaining four didn't work as well as the fab five and they disbanded soon after in 2000.

But as the lyrics go, friendship never ends. The girls, Geri included, reunited in 2007 for a greatest hits tour. And once more this past summer for a performance at the Closing Ceremonies of the Olympics. And this year, Viva Forever, a musical based on their music, will debut in London. The girls were there for us as kids, and they will continue to be here for us well into adulthood. It's safe to say that Spicemania is here to stay.

Too cool to dance? Some things never change.