Tommy Picks 20 Things to Get Over for 2014

It's a well-known fact that I am against self-improvement, major lifestyle changes, and starting anew. But this is mostly for myself. For the greater good, I believe that we should greet the New Year without the cumbersome baggage of 2013. Here is a list of 20 things we just really need to get the fuck over before the ball drops.

1. The Power of Beyoncé. I thought it died down after the Superbowl, but leave it to this bitch to release an album out of fucking nowhere. I couldn't avoid her if I hid under a pile of rocks for all of time.
2. "The Fox". You know what? I don't give a shit what the fox says. It can shut the fuck up, and so can you.
3. The Voice. Everybody watches it, but my question is WHY?! None of the winners go on to be successful, so clearly people don't care enough about the acts. And the Adam/Christina banter can only do so much...
4. Boba. That shit is nastaaay! Also cancerous (although, what isn't?).
5. Gluten-free health shit.
6. Hatin' on Kimye. They may be ridiculous, but Kim and Kayne just had a baby. True, she indulges in the limelight and he talks out of his ass, but let's aim our hatred at celebrities who actually deserve it!
7. Pixar. Two summers in a row now, Pixar has failed me. Brave was a pile of duck shit and Monsters University was a major letdown. Meanwhile, Disney has been turning out fantastic movies like Frozen and gets nowhere near as much credit. Disney > Pixar, always.
8. The Jonas Brothers. I'm not exactly sure why the JoBros suddenly got a rise in popularity, but this is not 2007. Yes, they broke up, Nick got hot, and Joe tattled on his fellow Disney stars in a tell-all article, but this is the era of One Direction. Get outta here, JoBros!
9. "Omg Tom Daley is gay?!" Bitch, please. Like you did not see this one coming. And he's not gay, he's bi. We know this because he said he still "fancies" women, which made him sound really gay.
10. Miley Cyrus. As a former Bitch of the Week, Miley should be celebrated. But this obsession over her, positive or negative, is out of all fucking control.
11. Twerking. While we're on the topic of Miley, let's put to rest the issue of the dance move she sensationalized. Now that it's officially in the dictionary, don't you think we should just accept it and move past it?
12. Superhero spin-offs. I don't need 15 fucking movies with Robery Downey, Jr. as Ironman in it this year, thanks.
13. Florida. Damn, the sheer amount of bullshit that comes from that state is reason enough to annex the shit out of it. #tootles
14. Duck Dynasty. I struggle to find the appeal of this hick shit, but the more we discuss Phil Robertson's offensive remarks against the LGBT community, the more attention we bring to that fucking franchise! I am sorry, but I will NOT live in a country that takes pride in being gross. I just won't.
15. Long-ass movies. Films these days are unapologetically long; even the good ones could stand to trim a couple scenes. What's worse, if you wanna be up to speed with dem Oscar contendors, you lose like 45 hours of your damn life. Once a movie hits the two-hour mark, I better see some fucking credits roll.
16. Jelena. Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez are OVER. They are hopefully never (ever ever) getting back together. Let's stop linking every misdeed the Biebs does to his heartache. He is not pissing in a bucket because he misses his ex. He's just an asshole. Similarly, Selena did not just recently cancel the last leg of her tour to deal with the grief from a relationship that ended a year ago.
17. Game of Thrones. Honestly, let's move it along, people.
18. Lady Gaga. It's nice to see that the general public is starting to turn against her, but her 2013 was still far too successful for my liking.
19. That double standard. Why is it that when Zac Efron checks into rehab, he's commended for taking responsibility for his health, but when Selena Gomez was rumored to be checking in, people went ape shit and called her a train wreck? Just sayin'. #feminism
20. The sun. It was just too damn hot this year. That needs to not happen again. Thanks

Cheers! Here's to a better and brighter new year!

Things Tommy Loves and Hates #10

I'd put a picture of the actual Bonnie & Clyde, but they frighten me.

Thing I Love #10: Bonnie & Clyde-Themed Songs

Bonnie and Clyde may have been terrible people (and awful bank robbers, as it turns out), but there's no denying that their legacy is purely fascinating. Countless fictional portrayals aside, I love when songs reference the dynamic duo. We all know Jay-Z and Beyoncé's "03 Bonnie & Clyde", but what about more subtle allusions, like Britney's "Criminal"? Mama, I'm in love with a criminal...

Thing I Hate #10: Loud Eaters

I'm sorry, are you chewing gum or firing a machine gun? Is that a cookie you're eating or a block of fucking cement? Ladies and gentlemen, close your damn mouths and minimize the amount I have to hear you satiate your appetite, because it really makes me lose mine.  

Tommy Picks the Best Songs by Former Cunts of the Week

Cunts as far as the eye can see.

While it would take an act of God for a Cunt of the Week to lose his or her title, I do recognize that it's a dubious term. Public figures (or those in your own lives!) can be such cunts but also contribute something amazing to society. And ain't that just life? Well, it's certainly not shocking that almost half of the former Cunts of the Week are from the music industry. (They can't all be Britneys, after all.) To prove the point I stated earlier, I am going to select the best jams by these musical cunts, because who am I to deny that Lady Gaga has a catchy song or two? Let's go!

Rihanna (Officially knighted cunted on September 26, 2012)

• "What's My Name?" ... I'm not sure what it is about this song, but I love it. I think it may have something to do with the fact that it was released back when my intense hatred for RiRi was a subdued intolerance. I also have a soft spot for Drake. And even though the repetitive lyrics of "Oh na na, what's my name?" get irritating (YOU'RE NAME IS FUCKING RIHANNA), this song is a jam.
• "Te Amo" ... After the whole Chris Brown beat down, Rihanna released some pretty dark tunes, including this one, in which she's the object of another woman's affections. It's a fun song with a pretty interesting message. (You might not be able to discern what that message is, however; Rihanna's Barbadian accent is on full blast here.)
• "S&M" ... It may be controversial, with an MTV-banned music video to boot, but this song is a pure and utter jam. The true party, however, started when Britney laid down some Rugrat-style vocals for the remix.

Taylor Swift (Cunted on October 10, 2012)

•  "Begin Again" ... God only knows which one of Taylor's fucks this song is about, but whoever it is, kudos to him for inspiring something good out of her for a change! The song is catchy and well-written. Best of all, it's about thinking love is a crock and then realizing that's not true once the next guy comes around; this is quite possibly her most autobiographical song to date.
• "Enchanted" ... In 2010, Taylor thought she could get away with releasing songs that clocked in around 6-7 minutes. Um, no. But one good jam came out of that batch of overinflated songs, and that's "Enchanted", which manages to both embody everything that's annoying about Tswift and somehow make it all less annoying.
• "Eyes Open" ... Why Taylor was the only artist on The Hunger Games soundtrack to get TWO songs, I'm not sure, but at least one of those songs is good, and that's this one!

Christina Aguilera (Cunted on November 28, 2012)

• "Woohoo" ... Any song that uses thin censorship while referring to genitalia instantly captures my attention. Just try and listen to this song without the lyrics "Licky licky, yum yum, what a great guy/K-kiss on my woohoo!/All over my woohoo!" getting stuck in your head! And when Nicki Minaj comes in with that rap! Ooh child!
• "Reflection" ... While Britney totally came out on top of her alleged feud with Xtina, both have a good number of 90s jams in their catalogs. The pinnacle of Christina's early career off of the Mulan soundtrack, and thereafter inspired many a school talent show performance.
• "Your Body" ... As a former Jam of the Week, this doesn't need an explanation.

Aly & AJ (Cunted on January 16, 2013)

• "Potential Break-Up Song" ... Their album needs just one, after all. While recording this jam, Aly & AJ must have finally realized that they weren't serious musicians and had a contract with fucking Disney Channel, because they abandoned their angsty acoustic crap for some autotuned dance floor BLISS. 
• "Rush" ... A lamer predecessor to Katy Perry's "Firework", "Rush" is all about not letting the haters get you down... And possibly a drug-induced rush. I'll leave it open for interpretation.
• "On the Ride" ... When I was younger, I honestly thought this was the best song on the planet. I'm pretty sure the thought, "Maybe this will win a Grammy," went through my head. My God. Thankfully that didn't happen. But it's still a fun song!

Justin Bieber (Cunted on February 6, 2013)

• "As Long As You Love Me" ... Although I was initially disappointed that this wasn't a Backstreet Boys cover, I grew to love this song. It's the first one that made me realize that maybe the Biebs had something worthwhile to listen to.
• "Beauty and a Beat" ... A former Jam of the Week with the poetic beauty of a wiener/Selena rhyme that more than explains why it's on this list.  #RIPJelena #AreTheyBackTogether? #LostAllTrack
•  "Overboard" ... So I'm not exactly sure what purpose this song serves, as a studio version has never been released, and we must make do with a live recording. But the fact that this a DUET WITH MILEY CYRUS makes it worth copious amounts of listens.

Beyoncé (Cunted on February 13, 2013)

•  "Irreplaceable" ... Who doesn't love this song? To the left, to the left. Mm, you tell him, girl! I'm not sure why she ever went on to record a Spanish version of the song, but the fact that she did just cements its universal popularity.
• "Halo" ... While Bey is far from an angel, this song is sweet and catchy. And remember when Glee mashed it up with "Walking on Sunshine"? Genius!
• "Check On It" ... Anybody who saw The Pink Panther knows what's up here. This was one of the first songs I ever put on my iPod, so it holds sentimental and nostalgic value for me.

Chris Brown (Cunted on March 27, 2013)

• "With You" ... Before he was a woman-beater who went on Twitter rants, assaulted the paparazzi, and threw television sets out of windows, Chris Brown was adorable and sweet, and "Forever" proves it. (And cue teenage girls who say things like "chris brown is so hawt i'd let him beat on me"... now.)
• "Look at Me Now" ... This song was shocking when it first came out. Chris Brown raps? Well, he does it well, or at least fast, here and I find it all very exciting!
• "Forever"... Vintage Breezy is the best, as far as he's concerned at least. I like to listen to this song while chewing Doublemint gum.

Lady Gaga (Cunted on April 17, 2013)

•  "The Edge of Glory" ... When Lady Gagme isn't trying to shove a rainbow flag down my throat whilst sporting an unflattering dress made of Kermit the Frog dolls, I can sort of see why people like her. "The Edge of Glory" is a fun and, dare I say, epic jam.
• "Paparazzi" ... The only thing better than this song is its music video, which features Alexander Skarsgard mmm.
• "Dance in the Dark" ... Always the champion for the underdog, Lady Gaga sings about self-conscious girls who like to have sex with the lights off. It's an interesting topic, one that I'm glad she explored, because the result was an irresistable jam.

The Pussycat Dolls (Cunted on May 8, 2013)

• "Jai Ho! (You Are My Destinty)" ... I've never seen Slumdog Millionaire, but I know that this song is originally from the film. Nevertheless, the Pussycat Dolls' version is so flawless that I'm sure it's better than the movie's.
• "I Hate This Part" ... One of my favorite musical themes is one in which the singer can sense the end of a relationship coming and go into denial. That's exactly what happens in this song and it's fucking genius. Stay pressed that this isn't your song.
• "Don't Cha" ... Who would I even be if I didn't include this song? It put the girl group on the map and has one of the most irresistible hooks of the 21st century: "Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me/Don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me." Classic.

And there you have it: proof that even the worst of cunts *coughcough*Rihanna*cough* can produce some thrilling songs. So don't be surprised if you see some of these singers' work as a Jam of the Week in the future!

Cunt of the Week: Lady Gaga

Ugh. I just can't.

In the music industry, cunts are a dime a dozen. This is perhaps best illustrated by the battle for who will surpass Madonna as the Queen of Pop. While Britney is the obvious successor, basic bitches like Katy Perry, Rihanna, and Beyoncé think they stand a chance. The only person who has come close to swiping the title is none other than this Cunt of the Week, Lady Gaga.

For those of you who don't remember who Lady Gag-a is (because she's thankfully fallen of the radar in the past year or so), allow me to refresh your memory. She's Cyndi Lauper and Elton John's lovechild who grew up to become a self-important singing gypsy. Ever since she hit the music scene in 2008, she's proven to be nothing more than an absolute cunt. The biggest problem with Lady G is the fact that everybody thinks she's the fucking mecca of pop music. Her songs are so inspirational, she is so unique, and she is so talented. Except not. That is all bullshit. And here's why.

First off, she's not all that inspiring. Between P!nk raising her glass for the under dogs and Selena Gomez shutting down anybody who says you're not perfect, empowering pop anthems are an inescapable trend. Lady Gaga is perhaps the premier engineer of such tunes. "Dance in the Dark" speaks about body image, "Americana" touches upon immigration, and of course "Born This Way" is a shout-out to the gays. But at what point do these messages stop becoming meaningful and start becoming trite? I can't say for sure, but I know for fucking sure that Lady Gaga passed that point ages ago. Maybe her songs offer hope to the downtrodden, but she exploits social issues and her fanbase to make her music even more successful than it already is and das tacky. Sorry, Little Monsters, but y'all just her prop.

Secondly, Lady Gaga is a lot of things, but unique is not one of them. Sure, she may be the first person to wear a dress made out of Kermit the Frog dolls or arrive at the Grammys in a fucking egg, but her very being is a collection of shit she's stolen from other artists. From her blonde yellow hair that has been trademarked by Cyndi Lauper for decades to her music videos that scream Michael Jackson, nothing about Lady Gag-me's artistry is special. And as if I have to say it, almost every move she makes is taken from Madonna's playbook. (Please listen to "Born This Way" and then Madonna's 1989 hit "Express Yourself" to HEAR the similarities.)

Lastly, I'll evaluate Lady Gaga's talent. Sure, she has a nice voice, and she clearly knows how to pen a jam or two. But if you take away her soap box, crazy costumes, and alienating personality, her skills are underwhelming. There's nothing she can do that her peers cannot. You may say Britney is less talented, but at least she sets the trends in pop music. (Rolling Stone didn't name Blackout the most influential pop album of the past five years for shits and giggles.) Lady Gaga is always behind the curve.

Lady Gaga is not the pop engineer everybody thinks she is. In fact, she's the most reductive, redundant, irrelevant cunt on the block. I'll leave you with this graphic, which displays Lady Gaga's only lasting impact on the industry.

One list Britney will never be on.

Cunt of the Week: Beyoncé

Tyra, is that you?

Before everybody loses their shit, let me assert that I realize this is certainly one of the more controversial selections for Cunt of the Week. But let's all remember that having different opinions is one of the great things about being human! I won't deny that Beyoncé talented; however, I will object to her self-imposed alter ego Sasha Fierce and other such displays of narcissism. I won't trash her for no reason, but I will detail why she is so fucking overrated and, more importantly, why she's a cunt.

We all know Beyoncé got her start in Destiny's Child, which changed band members so much that it makes the Pussycat Dolls look like the most stable and consistent girl group in music history. So why have four women quit the band? It wasn't because they suddenly wanted quiet lives back on the farm in Kansas. No, it was because Beyoncé is a DIVA. And not the good kind of diva that she purports to be in her aptly-titled song, "Diva". She's just a raging cunt and most people can't stand to be around her. Even Michelle Williams, basic and pressed as she is, still talks shit about how awful Beyoncé is.

Though Destiny's Child might as well have been called Beyoncé Knowles & Co., Bey wasn't satisfied with being one of the most successful girl groups of all time. So she decided to embark on a solo career. #TotalCuntMove

All the while, she was dating Jay-Z. All I'm gonna say is that somebody should have put a stop to that shit ASAP. They are two of the biggest egos in the music industry and there aren't words to describe what happens when two people like them get together. Actually, there is a term for it. It's called Blue Ivy.

Beyoncé is undeniably successful as a solo artist. And I'll admit she's talented. "Crazy in Love" is a classic. "Single Ladies" is a jam. "Irreplaceable" is an anthem. But she has done nothing to reinvent the pop/R&B crossover world. Nothing she does is new, which would be fine if people didn't act like she was the goddamn mecca of music. And overtime, she has become increasingly less creative. She once contributed lyrics to every song on an album, but now contributes to barely half, most of which are major snoozers. What she lacks in artistry she makes up for with smoke and mirrors. She's not an artist, she's a performer. Which, again, would be fine if people recognized that.

My biggest problem with Queen B, as she's known to her fans, is not that everybody thinks she's so fucking great. It's that SHE thinks she's the greatest thing to bless this planet since Jesus the motherfucking Christ himself! Who the hell calls themselves Sasha Fierce? Who unnecessarily splits up their 11-song album onto two discs? What kind of sicko announces their pregnancy at an awards show in the middle of a tribute to Britney Spears?! Who stores everything used in their productions, even something as simple as a technical light, in a warehouse so nobody else can use it? What kind of person closes off half a hospital to have their one baby? (Screw the other expectant mothers, I guess.) And who not only lip syncs the national anthem at a presidential inauguration, but makes the grandiose gesture of ripping out her earpiece to fool people into thinking she's singing live, unaided by a track?

Beyoncé, that's who.

But the worst is yet to come. Check this shit out:

I don't feel like I have to please anyone. I feel free. I feel like I'm an adult. I'm grown. I can do what I want. I can say what I want. I can retire if I want. That's why I've worked hard.

THIS irked me to no end. Listen up, Beyoncé. Being an adult is not stomping around, doing and saying whatever you feel like. And you may have worked hard, but considering retirement at age 31 is beyond ridiculous. Yeah, you worked hard and just so happen to have made a gazillion dollars from it. But most people work much harder, and for much longer. And if music is really your passion, you should consider yourself lucky to still have a fan base that will support your career and allow you to continue living your dream. You wouldn't retire just because you have enough money to live off of for 70 lifetimes.

I know many of you are probably still shitting glitter from her Super Bowl performance, but I hope I successfully alerted you to some of the problems with her. It's only halfheartedly that I give her the Cunt of the Week; in truth, I think she's just overrated. But dgaf. She's getting it anyway!

Throwback Thursday: Tommy Picks the Best of Glee, Season 1

The Glee cast back when the show wasn't a steaming pile of shit.

I haven't been shy about my flagging interest in Glee. Still, there are three things that keep me watching: (1) Darren Criss; (2) the plethora of bitchy characters; and (3) the music. I'll admit that they often perform songs too recent to be covered by anyone, and other times they just downright butcher classics. But this talented cast definitely has countless jams under its belt. I attempted to choose my favorite Glee songs of all time, but it just couldn't be done. So, here's the first installment: The Best of Glee, Season 1.
10. "I Say a Little Prayer" by Quinn
Everyone knows I have a soft spot for Quinn, so it's no wonder that her glee club debut landed her on this list. Though not the strongest singer of the bunch, Quinn never disappoints, as evidenced by her short but sweet rendition of "I Say a Little Prayer", complete with provocative dance moves and Santana and Brittany on back-up.

9. "Don't Stop Believing" by the New Directions
This is the anthem of life Glee. Performed in the pilot by the newly-formed New Directions, "Don't Stop Believing" is what launched the show into massive popularity, and held viewers over for the 4-month gap between the episode's original broadcast and the official start of the first season.

8. "Total Eclipse of the Heart" by Rachel, Finn, Puck, and Jesse
Remember when Rachel, who was bottom of McKinley High's barrel, somehow managed to juggle three guys at once? Yeah, I barely do, either. But that love-rectangle culminated in this ridiculous but super fun rendition of "Total Eclipse of the Heart".

7. "Take a Bow" by Rachel
For whatever reason, Glee decided early on that it was gonna cover Rihanna. I stifled my vomit, because I knew that they would out-perform that talentless cunt, no problem. And leave it to the great Lea Michele to sing the shit out of "Take a Bow". (Side note: You may not remember this song because it was before Rihanna became unbearably and whorishly present.)

6. "Alone" by Will and April
I know I'm not the only one who totally tunes out when Will Schuester sings. It's not that I don't like him, or that he's not talented, because he has a great voice. It's just because I usually don't give a fuck about what's going on with his life. That all changed when Kristen Chenoweth brought her skills to Glee as the hilarious but uber-talented April Rhodes. When they sang "Alone" at a karaoke bar, I was hooked.

5. "Halo/Walking on Sunshine" by the New Direction girls
Anybody who watches Glee knows that when they do mash-ups, it becomes LIFE. One of the very first mash-ups was of Beyoncé's "Halo" and the classic "Walking on Sunshine" by Katrina and the Waves, performed by the girls in a gender dispute. I can't remember who won the competition, but my vote goes to the ladies for this performance!

4. "Somebody to Love" by the New Directions
Back when Glee had group performances on the regular, they covered Queen's "Somebody to Love". Not only is it one of the best songs from the first season, but it's one of my favorite Glee songs of all time.

3. "Over the Rainbow" by Will
Keeping in mind what I just said about Will a few songs ago, it's a miracle that two of his performances have made it on this list. His rendition of "Over the Rainbow" was just beautiful, and the perfect cap to the first season.

2. "Don't Rain on My Parade" by Rachel
It's no secret I'm a huge Lea Michele fan and that I love me some Rachel solos. I had to limit myself to only a handful on this list, but there was no way "Don't Rain on My Parade" wouldn't make the cut. The song captures Lea in all her glory, and it's what won the glee club sectionals in the first season. Holla!

1. "Like a Prayer" by the New Directions
In their very first tribute episode, Glee performed some of Madonna's biggest hits. The episode is definitely amongst the show's best, and they managed to take the so-called Queen of Pop's songs and make them better. This is especially true for their rendition of "Like a Prayer", a song I personally had to analyze to hell in a class on religion in pop culture. But that's another story.

With over 100 songs performed in the first season alone, picking the top ten was definitely a challenge. I know you totally agree with my choices. Stay tuned for the second and third seasons!