Cunt of the Week: Lorde and Her Big Ass Mouth

Demonic cunt.

If you've been living under a rock for the past few months, you may not know who Lorde is. But chances are, you're overly familiar with her dull-as-dirt song "Royals", which is about being poor. While I admit the song was catchy at first, I quickly got over it.

Not only that, but this 17-year-old, bug-eyed New Zealander has a big mouth on her, and every time it opens, it spews out countless displays of cuntitude. She's too young to realize that she's making the same mistakes Christina Aguilera did early in her career: trash-talking her way straight into in irrelevance. Let's examine some of these moments, shall we?

Lorde's "Royals" was the song of the summer. But so was Selena Gomez's "Come & Get It". So what did Lorde have to say about her peer?

I'm a feminist and the theme of her song is, 'When you're ready, come and get it from me.' I'm sick of being of women being portrayed this way.

Thankfully, Selena responded and said that a feminist shouldn't be tearing down other women. But Lorde didn't stop there. She slammed Selena, as well as artists like Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift, once again by saying she was better than them because she didn't grow up in the industry.

The difference between those kids and me is I grew up completely normal and went to parties and had that experience. I am way less inclined to be like, "Look! I'm fucking mental!"

Omigod, you went to parties in high school? Gosh, how you've lived! She's also better than anyone who wins a singing competition reality show.

I’m glad I was allowed to develop and work on my talent, unlike many singers today who think the answer is starring on a reality or talent show. Shows like The X Factor or The Voice breed this idea that you get what you want the chancey way rather than by hard work.

Even Justin Bieber wasn't safe from her wrath.

The 'young people.' I feel like the influences that are there in the industry for people my age, like Justin Bieber or whatever, are just maybe not a very real depiction of what it's like to be a young person.

There's no arguing that Lorde borrows a lot from Lana Del Rey. Lorde is playing by the sonic rules that Lana invented. But Lorde takes issue with the superficiality of Lana's lyrics, which focus largely around lavish lifestyle.

All those references to expensive alcohol, beautiful clothes and beautiful cars – I was thinking, ‘This is so opulent, but it’s also bullshit.’

Lorde is so much deeper than that because she doesn't sing about that lifestyle. She sings about wanting it! And here's her throwing some more shade Lana's way.

I was just thinking it's so unhealthy for girls to be listening to, you know, 'I'm nothing without you.' This sort of shirt-tugging, desperate, 'don't leave me' stuff. That's not a good thing for young girls, even young people, to be listening to.

And some more...

Around the middle of last year I started listening to a lot of rap, like Nicki Minaj and Drake, as well as pop singers like Lana Del Rey. They all sing about such opulence, stuff that just didn't relate to me — or anyone that I knew. I began thinking, 'How are we listening to this? It's completely irrelevant. 

David Guetta is one of the most successful and respected producers in the industry. Some of the biggest names in music have worked with him, and he's also catapulted underrated singers into superstardom. But would Lorde ever work with him?

No! Fuck no! He's so gross.

There's also the time Lorde tried to discuss unrealistic expectations of female beauty in the media, but really just ended up likening herself to the "flawlessness" of Taylor Swift.

Taylor Swift is so flawless and so unattainable, and I don't think it's breeding anything good into young girls [who might think] 'I'm never going to be like Taylor Swift, why can't I be as pretty as Lorde?' That's fucking bullshit.

As if all of this isn't bad enough, Lorde crossed a major fucking line when she said:

I’ll never go off the rails like Britney, or do an Amy, because my upbringing was so normal. I can’t touch alcohol at my age and I’m not sure I even want to when I’m older. Six months ago, no one knew who I was and now fans chase my car. But I’m never going to change or let fame get the better of me.

Famous last words, bitch.

It's amazing how Lorde's cuntitude speaks for herself. And while she may make some interesting points, and while she's entitled to her opinions, there's nothing cute about a bratty teenager running her mouth as if it were in the name of feminism. When you have the #1 song in the country, you don't need to tear everybody else down to stay on top. It's cheap and the easiest way to shoot yourself in foot. What a cunt! Can't wait to see her fall.

Bitch of the Week: Nicki Minaj (Is Who You Ain't Fuckin' With)

Do you think that's her natural
hair color?

What do you get when you take Lil Wayne, trade in his penis for Kim Kardashian's ass, and throw her into Lady Gaga's dressing room? You get the reigning Bitch of the Week, Nicki fucking Minaj.

For those of you who don't know, Her Minajesty is arguably the most popular and successful female rapper of all time. Beginning in 2010, she was pretty much featured in more songs than Pitbull, Flo Rida, and Timbaland combined. Even more impressive is her solo career, which has spawned jams such as "Moment 4 Life", "Super Bass", and "Starships".

Nicki is the perfect candidate for Bitch of the Week for countless reasons. First of all, she has her own verb conjugation that is beyond, as evidenced by classic lyric "I beez in the trap;" a lesser rapper would have just said "I am in the trap," but Nicki knew das tacky. Nicki is always delivering innovative lyrics (or "spittin' mad rhymes," as I'm told they say on the streets). Let's look at some examples.

• "Kiss my ass and my anus, cuz it's finally famous."
• "You're like a candy store, and I'm a toddler."
• "If you could turn back time; Cher! You used to be here now you're gone; Nair!"
• "Ra, ra, like a dungeon dragon!"
• "I'm a bad bitch I'm a cunt/I'll kick that ho, punt/Force trauma, blunt/You play the back, bitch I'm in the front!"
• "If I had a dick, I would pull it out and piss on 'em!"

And as with most bitches, Nicki has some pressed haters. When Nicki was quickly becoming the alpha bitch of the hip-hop world, something called a lil kim came out of the woodwork and accused NM of swagger jacking: "If you are going to steal my swag, you gonna have to pay. Something gotta give. You help me, I help you. That's how it goes to me." Never one to take anyone's bullshit laying down, Nicki responded by saying:

She picked a fight with Foxy, then she picked a fight with Eva, then she picked a fight with Remy, then it was Mrs. Wallace, then it was Nicki Minaj. Every time you in the news, it’s 'cause you gettin' at somebody! Where’s your music? Put your music out, and when I see your name on Billboard, that’s when I’ll respond to you. Other than that, goodbye. It’s Barbie, bitch.

Not only did Nicki take a swipe at Lil Kim's lack of success, but she referred to herself in the third person, which only a true bitch can pull off!

But that's not all. Who can forget Nicki's feud with Mariah Carey while they co-judged the fifty-ninth twelfth season of American Idol? Their rivalry started covered much ground, from passive aggressive eye rolls to full-on death threats. But everyone knows that Mariah is a piggish hasbeen while Nicki reigns supreme.

Of course, I cannot in good conscience give Nicki Bitch of the Week without allowing her to share the title with Roman Zolanski, her evil gay twin brother that was born inside her while she was still in the womb. He's been the influence for some of her greatest songs, included "Roman Holiday" and former Jam of the Week "Roman's Revenge".

At the end of the day, only the Barbz and Ken Dolls (the fans of Nicki, named for her affinity for Barbie), will truly understand what makes Nicki a bitch. There's only so much of her merit I can articulate. To fully grasp it, you must delve into her music. I implore you to do so, if you haven't already.

Throwback Thursday: When American Idol Was a Thing

It's the apocalypse.

When Kelly Clarkson became the first American Idol eleven years ago, she changed the industry forever. Sure, she may flop as often as she succeeds, but her decade in the biz not only popularized the pop-rock genre, it proved that reality competition shows were viable means for finding the next American superstar.

It was a new era for American entertainment. Viewers in the millions would tune in twice (sometimes thrice) a week to see contestants sing it all or nothing and then vote for their favorites. For eight years, the show was the most-watched program in America, with the performance and results shows occupying the top two spots. Paula Abdul's dopey onscreen antics and Simon Cowell's controversial criticisms made daily headlines. Winners like Clarkson, Carrie Underwood, and Jordin Sparks experienced immediate successes after they were crowned champions. 

Fast forward twelve seasons to present day. Nobody watches American Idol, and those that do average 50.4 years old, almost two decades older than the show's average viewer back in the day. It's all about The Voice these days, and with Adam Levine around, it's not hard to see why. Where's the eye candy for American Idol? Randy Jackson? I don't think so.

Speaking of the judges, can we just have a moment of silence for Simon and Paula? The show was never the same after they left. Only Paula would show up to a taping, practically popping pills between slurred remarks, wiggle around in her chair, and claim that certain contestants had performed twice when in fact they hadn't. And without Simon, there is nobody to be deliciously evil to the hopefuls. Like, why is everybody building their confidence now? Quite frankly, most of them need to be knocked down a peg or two.

In Simon and Paula's places, we've seen songwriter Kara DioGuardi, Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler, professional singer/bitch Jennifer Lopez, and Ellen (honestly wtf tho). And currently, we have Keith Urban, Nicki Minaj, and Mariah Carey. Oh, and Randy. He's still there, too. The new judges aren't even done with their first year and there's already talks of replacing them.

And then there are the so-called winners. While early seasons produced a few snoozers (Ruben Studdard, Fantasia, etc.), they more than made up for it with not only Clarkson and Underwood, who are the only victors who will ever achieve legendary status tbh, but also with notable runners-ups, like Clay Aiken, Katharine McPhee, Kellie Pickler, Jennifer Hudson, and Chris Daughtry. Since Sparks's coronation in the sixth season, no American Idol has even made a splash in the music scene. Think about it: how many can you actually name? Last season's Phillip Phillips might be the only hope we have, but for all we know, he could be just a flash in the pan.

Basically, American Idol was once a beautiful centerpiece of this nation's culture, but now it's a whole lot of bullshit. I say we just cancel it and put Ryan Seacrest out of his misery.

Jam of the Week: "Roman's Revenge" by Nicki Minaj & Eminem

With a lack of new good music, Jam of the Week is admittedly becoming Jam of Weeks Past. While that will soon change, this week will continue the throwbacks with Nicki Minaj's "Roman Revenge". This is literally such a classic and basically tells you everything you need to know about Nicki's alter ego, Roman, her gay twin brother who was born inside of her. "Roman's Revenge" also has innumerable inspirational lyrics. Let's look at a few:

• "I'm a bad bitch, I'm a cunt/I'll kick that ho, punt/Force trauma, blunt/You play the back, bitch I'm in the front."
• "Raah, raah like a dungeon dragon."
• "Shoulda sent a thank you note, you little ho/Now Imma wrap your coffin with a bow."

Aside from the contextual lyrics, the song is infamous for starting the feud between Nicki Minaj and Lil Kim. Bitches ain't shit, am I right? So please enjoy the song (minus Eminem's verses because they kind of suck), and let out your inner Roman.

Tommy Picks 5 Duets That Need to Happen

#1 for sure.

Have you ever loved two artists so much that you think they'd make beautiful music together but then they never do?! This is my daily plight. In an effort to spread the word and also live out my musical fantasies, I've selected my top five dream duets.

5. Adele and Eminem
I swear to god, this would be so good. It could be like "Love the Way You Lie" except 100 times better because Rihanna wouldn't be involved. Can't you just hear Eminem rapping really angry lyrics and then Adele comes in and is all "Let the sky faaaall." It almost makes too much sense.

4. Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez
I'm sure I'm not alone in this particular fantasy. True, I dreamt this up when the Biebs and Selena were still together, but two former flames can still sing a song together! Rihanna and Chris Brown did it. Miley Cyrus and Nick Jonas did it. So why can't these two?

3. Carrie Underwood and Nicki Minaj
I'm totally serious about this one. I think Carrie is a little too classy to have Nicki sing on her song, so it would have to be Carrie lending her vocals to a Nicki track. Better yet, Nicki should just take "Before He Cheats" and remix the shit out of it.

2. Ke$ha and Macklemore
I'm not exactly Macklemore's #1 fan, but I recognize his potential, especially in becoming the male Ke$ha. And what better way to solidify the title than by dueting with Ke$ha, glitter and all? This is a fucking genius idea and I'd like royalties when it happens.

1. Britney Spears and Adam Levine
Okay. I totally had this idea long before Christina Haguilera poisoned Maroon 5's "Moves Like Jagger". Even after that overplayed train wreck, I don't think there's any reason why Adam Levine couldn't holler on over to Britney's eighth album and lend his beautiful, albeit high-pitched vocals to one of her many future smashes. I can hear it now. Omg. Life.

Tommy Picks 20 Things to Look Forward to in 2013

Ring it in!

Well, it's officially 2013. I've already posted a list of 20 things we need to get the fuck over as we leave 2012 behind. So now, on a more positive note, I've listed 20 things to look forward to for the next 12 months.

1. Britney Spears. Album 8. It's confirmed.
2. The Kimye Baby
3. Tina Fey and Amy Poehler hosting the Golden Globes
4. Oz: The Great and Powerful
5. 20-year high school reunion for the original Beverly Hills, 90210 gang. Make it happen. #TeamKelly
6. The Hunger Games: Catching Fire
7. The Miley Cyrus/Liam Hemsworth Wedding
8. One Direction's world tour. Am I going as of yet? No. Would I kill to go? Probably.
9. The return of Pretty Little Liars
10. The Man of Steel
11. Watching laughing at The Carrie Diaries as it falls flat on its ass
12. Gangster Squad. Love me some Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone!
13. Stricter gun control and gay marriage errywhere. (I know, serious things? #ugh)
14. Ryan Reynolds and anything he does.
15. Nicki Minaj and Mariah Carey catfights on American Idol
16. Seeing if Amanda Bynes' hit-and-runs outnumber Lindsay Lohan's arrests
17. Saving Mr. Banks. Tom Hanks plays Walt Disney. #sold
18. Albums 4 from Miley, Demi, Selena, and Hilary. Let's make it a fucking jam-packed year, ladies!
19. The Great Gatsby
20. Most importantly, this (hopefully) happening.

Happy New Year!!!

Tommy Picks 5 Singers Who Should Have Christmas Albums

In the midst of the 25 Days of Christmas countdown, it's important to acknowledge those truly amazing artists who don't have festive songs to bring us cheer during this holiday season. Here's a list of singers who I think need to release Christmas albums for the 2013 holiday season.

1, 2, 3 not only you and me.

1. The Legendary Miss Britney Spears
We're all aware of "My Only Wish (This Year)", Britney's holiday standard, as well as rumors that she planned to record a Christmas album back in the day, so what's wrong with praying that we someday get a super fun holiday album? Possible lyrics: "Santa's on the roof, the elves are jumping/In your lap the bass is pumping."

2. Lana Del Rey
It'd be such a treat to hear Lana Del Rey put her anti-feminist, damaged beauty queen persona against a winter wonderland backdrop. Possible lyrics: "Kiss me hard before you go/I got my red dress on/Under the mistletoe/In your Bugatti Veyron."

3. Nicki Minaj
As if I even need to explain the fucking epicness that would ensue if Her Minajesty hollered out some jingles. Possible lyrics: "I'm singing ho ho ho's/You fucking little hoes/Couldn't get a man if you was wearing mistletoes."

4. One Direction
Boy bands are back, bitches, and nobody would bring more tidings of comfort and joy than One Direction. Their Christmas album would combine my three greatest loves: the holidays, music geared towards tweens, and British culture. Possible lyrics: "This Christmas, I'm as cold as the snow/I see you with him and I can't let you go."

5. Ke$ha
What's Christmas without a little glitter? Quite simply, a Ke$ha Christmas album would end war and bestow upon us world peace for eternity. Possible lyrics: "Run, run, Rudolf, as fast as you can/Jump inside my fucking gold Trans Am/Forget the sleigh, I'll ride saddle back/Kicking with my girls and a bottle of Jack."

This Christmas, my only wish is that by next Christmas, all of these albums come to fruition. #pray

Jam of the Week: "Beauty and a Beat" by Justin Bieber

This week's jam is none other than "Beauty and a Beat" by youthful Canadian import Justin Bieber. I know what you may be thinking. Tommy, have you done lost your mind? You hate Justin Bieber! And you'd be right in thinking so. Once upon a time, I was so anti-Biebs that my distaste for him and his music may have rivaled my hatred for Rihanna.

Then everything changed, seemingly in the blink of an eye.

The Biebs transformed himself into a mini Justin Timberlake, which is always a plus in my book. Even though he rejects those comparisons, there's no denying the similarity between the two. Justin's baby-voiced music is long gone, and now he hollers with some great R&B-influenced club bangers, which is a classic genre. Additionally, Justin's main squeeze is Selena Gomez. If he's good enough for her, you're damn right he's good enough for everyone else.

"Beauty and a Beat" is Justin at his finest. Not only does its title spoof my fave fairy tale (the Biebs is just so punny!), but it features Nicki Minaj, resident bitch of the rap scene, who tastefully rhymes "wiener" with "Selener." There's nothing about this jam that isn't infectious and fun. I urge you to take a listen. There are so many goodies just waiting to be enjoyed!