2013: A Year in Review

As we close out another year, it's important to celebrate the past twelve months we've spent with Tommy Time. Without further ado, here are your Jam of the Year, Cunt of the Year, and Bitch of the Year for 2013, as voted by you faithful readers...

Jam of the Year

It's no surprise that One Direction takes home the title, but it's puzzling that their new singles "Best Song Ever" and "Story of My Life", which were both nominated, were beat out by this album cut. Still, "Rock Me" is an epic and timeless jam full of thinly-veiled sexual innuendos. Doing us dirty proud, boys!

Cunt of the Year

Lady Gaga is, without a doubt, the biggest cunt in the music industry. Thankfully, you all recognized it. Together, we saw through the elaborate makeup, meat dresses, and equality anthems and saw this mediocre song-stealer for what she truly is. May all of Artpop's commercial and critical shortcomings haunt Lady Gag-me for all eternity.

Bitch of the Year

It's with an almost prohibitive reluctance that I thrust this honorable title among Jennifer Lawrence. As the comments on her Bitch of the Week post indicate, many readers fail to understand that the title is a sacred and celebratory one. Thus, I have no idea how those who voted for JLaw actually feel about her. That issue aside, Jennifer's saucy attitude and legend-in-the-making status are more than enough to secure the title. Well done!

And now, just for the sake of nostalgia, here are the most-viewed Tommy Time posts from 2013.

1. Where Are They Now?: Christy Carlson Romano
2. 20 Things You Didn't Know About Beverly Hills, 90210
3. Cunt of the Week: Justin Bieber
4. Bitch of the Week: Jennifer Lawrence
5. 20 Things You Didn't Know About Friends
6. Where Are They Now?: Lalaine
7. Bitch of the Week: Daisy Duck
8. Demi Lovato: Not a Cunt, Not Yet a Bitch
9. This or That: Selena Gomez vs. Demi Lovato
10. Go Call the Po-Lice! Go Call the Guv-uh-nuh! BRITNEY IS BACK TO WORK, BITCH!!!

Cunt of the Week: Merida

If you had the chance to be a cunt, wouldja?

The general public seems genuinely incapable of finding anything wrong with Pixar films, but let me assure you, the flaws are rampant. So in the summer of 2012, when I wasted 93 fucking minutes of my precious time watching the studio's "next hit" Brave, I was beyond pissed. The film, heralded as Pixar's first with a female lead, sucked some serious ass. There was hardly any plot, the antagonist was almost non-existent, and the main character was a cunt for the books.

Merida is a 16-year-old Scottish princess who prefers to run around in the dirt rather than live a life of luxury. So essentially, right off the bat, this bitch is on my bad side. When she's not busy playing bow and arrow, she likes defying her parents by refusing to get married. Considering this movie is practically set in the beginning of time, and pretty much every other Disney princess gets married at 16, I don't know what the fuck her problem is. Sure, maybe she's a free spirit. But she's also a fucking princess with an entire fucking kingdom to rule. She has certain responsibilities. Rebelling against those responsibilities and putting her own desires ahead of the good of the people doesn't make her a powerful woman, it makes her a selfish, raging cunt.

So then Merida decides, Fine, if I can't have my way, I'll just place a fucking curse on my mom. So she wanders around the woods, following some gross floating blobs of light, and stumbles upon a witch (an elderly Boo, if you're one of those Pixar conspiracy theorists). She asks the witch to change her mother's mind, but instead, the curse turns the Queen into a monstrous bear, which just so happens to resemble the creature that once attacked the family and ate off the King's leg. Awesome. Way to go, Merida!

The rest of the movie revolves around Merida's slapstick attempt to keep her mother's transformation a secret. In short, it's basically an elongated, bad episode of Wizards of Waverly Place, but at least the Disney sitcom had the always delightful Selena Gomez to keep me entertained. Merida is far from delightful.

Somehow the curse is broken. I forget how. Who cares? It culminates in a nude mother-daughter scene. And Merida is fucking celebrated for all the fuckery she caused. OKAY. Because that's fair.

I personally prefer the "After."

As if the movie wasn't bad enough, controversy arouse when Merida was redesigned upon her induction into the Disney Princess line-up. (You can see the comparison above.) Critics noted that she was made skinnier and just generally sexier. Feminists flipped their shit. Now I consider myself a feminist, but this is a fucking CARTOON CHARACTER people!! Jesus Christ. The amount of drama this animated redheaded shit managed to start just proves what a cunt she is.

Here's hoping there's never a fucking Brave 2 or I will flip my shit.

Cunt of the Week: Lorde and Her Big Ass Mouth

Demonic cunt.

If you've been living under a rock for the past few months, you may not know who Lorde is. But chances are, you're overly familiar with her dull-as-dirt song "Royals", which is about being poor. While I admit the song was catchy at first, I quickly got over it.

Not only that, but this 17-year-old, bug-eyed New Zealander has a big mouth on her, and every time it opens, it spews out countless displays of cuntitude. She's too young to realize that she's making the same mistakes Christina Aguilera did early in her career: trash-talking her way straight into in irrelevance. Let's examine some of these moments, shall we?

Lorde's "Royals" was the song of the summer. But so was Selena Gomez's "Come & Get It". So what did Lorde have to say about her peer?

I'm a feminist and the theme of her song is, 'When you're ready, come and get it from me.' I'm sick of being of women being portrayed this way.

Thankfully, Selena responded and said that a feminist shouldn't be tearing down other women. But Lorde didn't stop there. She slammed Selena, as well as artists like Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift, once again by saying she was better than them because she didn't grow up in the industry.

The difference between those kids and me is I grew up completely normal and went to parties and had that experience. I am way less inclined to be like, "Look! I'm fucking mental!"

Omigod, you went to parties in high school? Gosh, how you've lived! She's also better than anyone who wins a singing competition reality show.

I’m glad I was allowed to develop and work on my talent, unlike many singers today who think the answer is starring on a reality or talent show. Shows like The X Factor or The Voice breed this idea that you get what you want the chancey way rather than by hard work.

Even Justin Bieber wasn't safe from her wrath.

The 'young people.' I feel like the influences that are there in the industry for people my age, like Justin Bieber or whatever, are just maybe not a very real depiction of what it's like to be a young person.

There's no arguing that Lorde borrows a lot from Lana Del Rey. Lorde is playing by the sonic rules that Lana invented. But Lorde takes issue with the superficiality of Lana's lyrics, which focus largely around lavish lifestyle.

All those references to expensive alcohol, beautiful clothes and beautiful cars – I was thinking, ‘This is so opulent, but it’s also bullshit.’

Lorde is so much deeper than that because she doesn't sing about that lifestyle. She sings about wanting it! And here's her throwing some more shade Lana's way.

I was just thinking it's so unhealthy for girls to be listening to, you know, 'I'm nothing without you.' This sort of shirt-tugging, desperate, 'don't leave me' stuff. That's not a good thing for young girls, even young people, to be listening to.

And some more...

Around the middle of last year I started listening to a lot of rap, like Nicki Minaj and Drake, as well as pop singers like Lana Del Rey. They all sing about such opulence, stuff that just didn't relate to me — or anyone that I knew. I began thinking, 'How are we listening to this? It's completely irrelevant. 

David Guetta is one of the most successful and respected producers in the industry. Some of the biggest names in music have worked with him, and he's also catapulted underrated singers into superstardom. But would Lorde ever work with him?

No! Fuck no! He's so gross.

There's also the time Lorde tried to discuss unrealistic expectations of female beauty in the media, but really just ended up likening herself to the "flawlessness" of Taylor Swift.

Taylor Swift is so flawless and so unattainable, and I don't think it's breeding anything good into young girls [who might think] 'I'm never going to be like Taylor Swift, why can't I be as pretty as Lorde?' That's fucking bullshit.

As if all of this isn't bad enough, Lorde crossed a major fucking line when she said:

I’ll never go off the rails like Britney, or do an Amy, because my upbringing was so normal. I can’t touch alcohol at my age and I’m not sure I even want to when I’m older. Six months ago, no one knew who I was and now fans chase my car. But I’m never going to change or let fame get the better of me.

Famous last words, bitch.

It's amazing how Lorde's cuntitude speaks for herself. And while she may make some interesting points, and while she's entitled to her opinions, there's nothing cute about a bratty teenager running her mouth as if it were in the name of feminism. When you have the #1 song in the country, you don't need to tear everybody else down to stay on top. It's cheap and the easiest way to shoot yourself in foot. What a cunt! Can't wait to see her fall.

Cunt of the Week: Tina Cohen-Chang

#notcute #tryingtoohard

Gleeks are quite possibly the hardest television fans to satisfy. In fact, nobody hates Glee more than gleeks. If you peruse through the interwebs, you'll find a myriad of complaints about the show. And as expected (or not, depending on how you look at it), a lot of them have to do with the Cunt of the Week, Tina Cohen-Chang. Why doesn't Tina have more solos? They've ruined Tina's character! She never gets any screen time. Blah blah fucking blah!

When the show begins, Tina is a friendless Asian goth who sings "I Kissed a Girl" and pulls a pelvic thrust/thigh slap during her audition for the glee club. Okay, that's fine. She gets in and starts speaking with a stutter. Again, it's whatever, neither here nor there. But then, Tina starts dating Artie, the paraplegic, and reveals that she doesn't actually have a stutter, and simply used it to keep others at bay. Artie breaks up with her but they reconcile. Soon after, she became a martyr for dressing however you want at McKinley. At this point, I was over Tina. But she wasn't a cunt. She was innocuous. She was, as Sue Sylvester put it, the Asian. And we were all fine with that.

It's not until the second season when she starts showing her true colors (lolz, a joke for gleeks). Her wardrobe goes from goth to punk. She breaks up with Artie and starts dating "other Asian," Mike Chang. By the third season, she's dressing like a fucking gogo dancer and bitches non-stop about not getting any solos. She constantly antagonizes the true star, Rachel Berry, though they become friends right before Rachel graduates. I know what you're thinking. What gives Tina the right to be such a heartbreaker?

In the fourth season, Tina's cuntitude is in full force. She literally bitches non-stop about solos and roles in musicals and all this other bullshit. Then she falls in love with Blaine, a very openly gay glee club member. On one hand, it's like, girl we've all been there. Who hasn't fallen for someone who couldn't possibly reciprocate the feeling? On the other hand, get it the fuck together, Tina. He's gay and wears bowties to school. Luckily, Tina eventually accepts this and settles for being his friend.

In the fifth season, Tina campaigns for prom queen but is total fucking cunt about it. She turns down a charitable invite to the dance by resident hottie Sam simply because he wasn't nominated for king. She's awful, which is why when she gets Carried and a bloody red slushi gets dumped on her when she accepts her crown, it's hard to feel bad for her. And after Finn dies (RIP Cory Monteith!), and Tina's biggest problem is she doesn't want to wear black to mourn the loss because she worked so hard to move past her goth days, you just want to cut the bitch.

Don't get me wrong. While I hate Tina, I feel bad for Jenna Ushkowitz, the actress who plays her. Jenna was one of the original cast members, and not only does she get shoved into the background more and more each time a new cast member is added, but they made her character a spiteful, callous cunt. Luckily the bitch is supposed to graduate soon, and we might finally be rid of Tina once and for all. One Glee problem down, 417 more to go.

Cunt of the Week: Kris Humphries

Duh.

His ex-wife of 72 days may have just been crowned Bitch of the Week, but Kris Humphries' marital connections can't save him from his own cuntitude. So it's only appropriate that the Neanderthal is inducted as the Cunt of the Week.

We all remember the tragic split of Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush. Reggie was, like, the one. How could it end so abruptly? Maybe they fell out of love. Or maybe a relationship just didn't fit in with Kim's storyline for the season. No matter the reason, the relationship ended, and Kim followed it with brief romances with people like other athletes and her Australian bodyguard.

Meanwhile, Kris, or the Hump as Khloé called him, was playing basketball. (Does it matter for what team?) And in 2010, when he wasn't dragging his knuckles on the court, he was romancing the first lady of reality television. And then in 2011, Kris and Kim married. It was a lavish $10 million affair that was covered by a four-hour wedding special on E! (Keep that in mind as we move forward.)

From then on, Kris was featured heavily on the Kardashian's shows. Well, he was really only on Kourtney & Kim Take New York, because Kim filed for divorce almost immediately after filming, just 72 days after their wedding. But in that time, we saw his true colors:

• In the first episode, Kris leaves New York for Minnesota, because he's already overwhelmed by married life. True, that life included Kourtney, Scott, Mason, and an entire television career. But seriously, up and moving to a different state?
• In the fourth episode, Kris forces Scott to throw a boozy, female-filled party while Kim and Kourtney are out of town. And then he forces Scott to take the blame. Tsk tsk.
• In episode five, Kris pressures Kim's totally gay BFF to come out of the closet.
• In the sixth episode, Kris sneaks off to Toronto for a party while Kim is out of town.
• In the seventh episode, Khloé and Kourtney play pranks on Kris, and he gets incredibly pissed. Where's your sense of humor, sir?

True, the Kardashians basically kontrol the editing of their shows, so it's totally possible that Kim was made to look more sympathetic and Kris was villainized. But there's only so many ways you can manipulate the footage. You can't fabricate Kris' bad behavior, poor attitude, and disregard for his marriage. In his defense, he has tried to defend himself:

Chirp, chirp.

In actuality, Kris has since alleged that the entire marriage was a scam, a calculated plan to promote the Kardashian family brand. When Kim filed for divorce, he petitioned to reject her request, and instead insisted on an annulment on the grounds of fraud. He claimed that much of the show was fake in what became a very lengthy and very public trial.

I've already detailed my thoughts on some of Kris' allegations, but allow me to reiterate that nobody can make Kris look bad without his help. Not to mention, at any point during the television $10 million dollar wedding, didn't Kris come to the conclusion that it was all a hoax? Or did it really take him two months? Of course not. His claims were just his petty revenge against a woman who didn't want to stay married to him. And what's more, when Kim was pregnant, he still insisted on dragging her through the trial.

Well, it's clear who came out on top. Kim is still the reality queen and now has her own family. And Kris, well... Let's just say he should be thankful his marriage to Kim never got to the point where they would try for children. Given that he's several steps below the rest of us on the evolutionary ladder, it wouldn't have worked out.

Cunt of the Week: Ella Montgomery

"I'm a pretty little liar, too!"

To all Pretty Little Liars fans, there are three incredibly important questions: (1) Who is A?; (2) Who murdered Ali, if she is in fact dead?; and (3) Why is Ella Montgomery such a fucking cunt? I'll attempt to break it down for everyone so we can all get on the same page and collectively pray that the next corpse that Rosewood PD finds is wearing a pantsuit.

The writers of PLL get some sort of sick joy out of writing characters off for extended periods of time (like Jenna and her 20-episode eye surgery) or just pretending like they're there when they aren't (like the mysterious case of Mike in Season 3). As such, the parents of the lying quartet appear sporadically, but only Aria's mother Ella manages to do it so fucking obnoxiously.

When the show starts, the Montgomery clan returns to Rosewood after a year in Iceland. Why they were in Iceland of all places is anybody's guess. I bet it was Ella's decision, so no wonder it was complete shit, like everything else she does. At first, she's just the harmless mom with her black pantsuits and long hair that she never bothers to style or cut in any flattering way. But when she learns that hubby Byron had an affair, she up and leaves. "Screw the kids!" is essentially her mindset.

While she's gone, everything turns to shit. Byron starts hitting on Hanna's mom, who is so far out of his league they're playing completely different sports. And their son Mike is being moody as all hell and breaking into people's homes for fun. And Aria is playing junior detective with her rag tag group of friends whilst fucking her English teacher. Does Ella care? Nope. Not as long as she continue perverting the youth of Rosewood. That's right. She's a teacher. At Aria's high school. More on that later.

#MomOfTheYear

Eventually Ella and Byron patch things up and everyone's happy. Except Mike, because he's still being a pissy little fucker. I totally thought he was gonna come out as a card-carrying Friend of Dorothy, but it turns out he's just temperamental. (Probably for the best. I'm not sure we could handle both him and Emily flying out of the closet at the same time.) Ella decides it's time to actually do her fucking job and confront Mike. When she does, he pushes her out his way. "Don't tell your father," she begs Aria. Don't tell your father? Yeah, that's a good idea, Ella. Your son is a fucking psycho and your entire family is still fragile since you moved your sorry selfish ass out of the house, but yeah, let's start keeping secrets from one another!

I wish Mike pushed her harder.

Next thing we know, Ella and Byron are divorced. I don't even remember why. Who fucking cares? Too much shit goes on in this show. So they're divorced and then Ella starts online dating under the screen name "Hot Momma." After everyone tossed their tacos at the insinuation that Ella is hot, she starts dating the much younger owner of the local coffee shop. But as always, she keeps the relationship on the DL because she wants to protect her children...

That's why she has a date with Coffee House Dude while on her lunch break. At her place of work. The high school. ARIA'S high school. DURING SCHOOL HOURS. Yup, she just has a fucking picnic with this coffee-grinding sack of shit in her classroom. And this is after she hangs up possible outfits for the date in her classroom, where, you know, students are coming in and out and probably don't wanna take a fucking vote on what she's gonna wear. (I'm almost certain she goes with the pantsuit.) As you can imagine, Aria walks in on their date and they are SO EMBARRASSED AND ASHAMED.

So then Ella gets attacked by some bees. I forget why, but it was part of A's plans. And then she moves to Europe with Coffee House Dude because she loves to abandon her family.

This is what she tells herself every time she moves out of the house.

So whether you're a fan of the show or not, you have to agree that Ella is a major cunt. She's a secret-keeping, home wrecking, self-centered cougar without an ounce of fashion sense. Here's hoping that she never comes back from Europe. Or better, that Ezra, Mona, Jenna, Melissa, or any other alleged member of the A team slits Ella's fucking throat.

"Yeah, all the students want me."

Cunt of the Week: Adrienne Bailon

I didn't know trash bags counted as swimwear.

Our reigning Cunt of the Week is none other than Adrienne Bailon, whom you might better know as the Latina Cheetah Girl or the name on Rob Kardashian's ribcage. The trouble is, Adrienne did so well for so long. Sure, she made some mistakes along the way, but I would never have gone as far as to call her a cunt. Until yesterday when she committed perhaps the most egregious of Tommy Time crimes. But we'll get to that in a bit.

Adrienne Bailon was part of the girl group 3LW, which was basically a wannabe Destiny's Child, only there was more diversity and less talent. The group also included fellow future Cheetah Girl Kiely Williams and some basic bitch named Naturi Naughton. After a few modest hits, Naturi quit when she and the other girls were involved in an altercation involving KFC food. I shit you not. That anecdote, in all its racism, is true. And I bet it was Adrienne who through the first drumstick.

Naturi's departure pretty much spelled the end for 3LW, and Adrienne and Kiely went on to star in The Cheetah Girls. Adrienne played the whiny, pressed-as-fuck Chanel, who wore faux fur vests and constantly tried to dethrone Raven as alpha bitch of the fictional cheetahlicious girl group, which eventually became a Raven-less real-life pop group with Adrienne, Kiely, and Sabrina Bryan. But you can guess where that took them: not very fucking far. When your group's first album is called Cheetahlicious Christmas, you know you're doomed.

Here's where shit goes down and Adrienne started showing her true cunt colors. After two failed group efforts, she somehow thought she'd be better off going solo! Not so, bitch. Not so. In case you're wondering, Adrienne's debut album has been four years in the making and it's nowhere closer to getting done than it was when it started. So naturally, to keep herself in the limelight, Adrienne decided she was also a television personality and tried to get herself as a guest host on every talk show imaginable.

And when that wasn't enough, bitch thought she could marry into the Kardashian family! That's right! She took one look at Kim K and was like, "Yeah, me too!" She somehow convinced Rob Kardashian to date her, which he did, and he even got a Texas-sized tattoo of her name. Obviously, he wasn't in his right mind, and reality television cameras were there to capture Adrienne in all her cuntitude.

There was the time she forced the Kardashians to tone it down for her conservative family, the time she had the nerve to give Kourtney acting advice, or my personal favorite, the time when she told Rob that she would be leaving in a few weeks to film The Cheetah Girls 3 in India for three months. #GirlfriendOfTheYear. Thankfully, the relationship ended soon after. Rumor has it that Rob cheated, but who can blame him!

[Side note: sometime during all this hoopla, bitch had some nude pictures leak in a horribly misguided attempt to be Vanessa Hudgens.]

But all these acts of fuckery are just bitch shit. Here's where it gets REALLY cunty. Continuing her habit of not doing anything worthwhile, Adrienne is apparently one of the hosts of The Real, a talk show you just know is gonna get canceled soon enough. This week, she took a major swipe at the Legendary Miss Britney Spears. She said:

Britney Spears needs to call Miley Cyrus' stylist ASAP! I worked with her on X Factor. I'm not gonna lie, you guys. She can't hold a conversation! Like they have somebody feed her what she's supposed to say.

Luckily, some of the other hosts, including one of the Mowry twins, came to Brit's defense.

All I have to say to Miss Bailon is this: did it ever occur to you that Britney has no idea who the fuck you are and has nothing to say to your sorry ass?

After facing the wrath of the Britney Army, Adrienne tweeted this:

LMAO... Some folks can't handle being REAL. #ItAintForEverybody
— Adrienne Bailon (@Adrienne_Bailon) August 6, 2013

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is a surefire way to get Cunt of the Week. Well done, Adrienne!

Mm.

Cunt of the Week: Mariah Carey

Are you nauseous yet?

I don't know what is it about Mariah Carey that makes my skin crawl. Maybe it's because she has her head shoved too far up her own ass. Or perhaps it's because she's the closest thing we have to a real live Miss Piggy. But mostly it's because she's a raging cunt, and as such, she's getting Cunt of the Week.

Mariah has been in the music biz since your grandparents came out of the womb. And ever since then, her name has been synonymous with the term "diva," and not in the good way. Let's take a closer look.

• She's married to Nick Canon.
• She doesn't wear flat shoes. "My feet repel them," she has said.
• She's 43 now, but who's counting? Certainly not her. "Honestly, I don't even have birthdays. I call them anniversaries. It really is about how young you feel. I'm eternally 12." (Or 43.)
• Her diva demands include 11 body guards to shield her from other diners in restaurants and assistants specifically designated to test staircases and cover Mariah's bad angles from the cameras. She's been known to demand antique tables flown in from New York for fan signings, as well as request pink carpets, 20 white kittens, 100 white doves, and butterflies. For her dressing room, there shall be "no busy patterns; black, dark grey, cream, dark pink are all fine."
• In 2001, she showed up on MTV's TRL unannounced, passed out ice cream to the audience, and said "If you don’t have ice cream in your life, sometimes you just might go a little bit crazy." This was before she started stripping for the cameras.
• That same year, she released her star vehicle film Glitter, which was panned by critics and bombed at the box office. In 2010, Mariah blamed its lack of success on 9/11 rather than just admitting that nobody gave a flying pig shit about the movie.
• She insured her legs for $1 billion.
• I'm surprised she doesn't insure her voice, because these are the lengths she goes to in order to protect it: "I'll have 20 humidifiers around the bed. Basically, it's like sleeping in a steam room. The bed is all toweling cloth, the ceiling is sloped so the water can't fall on my head, and it drips down to my side. My TV is behind glass."
• She often cancels early interviews because she's "not a morning person," and insists that they be pre-recorded so she can cut out parts she doesn't like.
• Ever the egotists, she and Nick listen to her music during sex. When she's away, he'll masturbate to her songs, particularly "Hero", which is all about finding your inner strength during times of self-doubt. Oh yeah, that's hot.
• There was the whole Nicki Minaj feud, and #TeamNicki tbqfh... 
• She won't speak to anyone for two days before a concert and communicates solely via notes. But even that's too strenuous, and she's looking into getting a voice machine like Stephen Hawking. I'm sure that those around her are grateful for those two days when they can have some peace and quiet.
• In May, she shut down Disneyland to have her vows renewed. Because that's not selfish.
• She arrived 90 minutes late to an awards show because of a broken nail.
• While discussing her current single, "#Beautiful", Mariah stated: "It’s genre-less… It’s not following a trend. That’s the best thing about this record in my opinion, because having to follow trends is not what’s fun about making music." Mariah HATES trends, you guys. That's why there's a hashtag in the song's title.
• After pushing back the original July 23 release date of her upcoming album, Mariah said: "While making this album, I got so immersed in the creative process that I just don't feel I would be doing it justice to release it on 7/23. I'd rather not exclude meaningful songs." Firstly, it's never a good sign when an album gets pushed back. It usually means that it sucks. Secondly, how does postponing its release to record new songs help to include the "meaningful" songs she's so interested in protecting? 

Believe it or not, this is just the tip of the iceberg, folks. The girl's two decades of cuntitude leaves much to be explored. I implore you to do so, if you can stomach it. If not, just rest assured knowing that for every person who praises Mariah's vocals and divalicious behavior, there are 10 more who can't wait to call her out for being such a cunt.

Cunt of the Week: Alexis Neiers

Life is hard when you're a poor little rich girl living in the Valley, just seconds away from the glitz and glam of the City of Angels. The troubled group of teenagers, who are now known as the Bling Ring, thought that this was unfair, and sought after thrill and fame by robbing the homes of celebrities like Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, and Rachel Bilson. Of all the Bling Ring's culprits, Alexis Neiers is probably the most infamous, having been the star of her own reality show at the time of her arrest. And so, in anticipation of the release of The Bling Ring, a film based on the group's escapades, I'm awarding Ms. Neiers Cunt of the Week.

And unlike the massive swarm of basic bitches who are "totally looking forward to seeing The Bling Ring like omg Emma Watsonnnnnn," I've been following this shit from the beginning. I remember reading about the celebrity burglaries and how they might be related. I recall with such clarity as I sat in the bank and received my E! News text alert that a group of pressed delinquents were arrested for the crimes. And I watched Alexis' E! reality show Pretty Wild for its entire nine-episode run.

Alexis began filming her Pretty Wild in the summer of 2009, which is conveniently when she was arrested for her alleged involvement in the Bling Ring's activities. So the show, which was originally supposed to focus on the Neiers family, and specifically the party lives of Alexis and her unofficially adopted sister Tess, ended up chronicling the trials and tribulations of the family amidst the arrest and impending trial. Of course, Alexis wasn't actually living with her family at the time of filming like the show suggests. She was staying in the Best Western hotel, getting high every day. In her own words:

Oh yeah. People think I was living with my family, but I was living at a Best Western on Franklin and Vine. I was smoking 20 80-mg oxys a day, I was doing tons of cocaine, I was panhandling for drugs. I had an over-$10,000-a-week drug habit. What you were seeing on TV was not what was really going on.

Wow. What a life! But let's backtrack, shall we?

Alexis was a troubled young lass long before her name made headlines. After getting kicked out of her home for smoking OxyContin and her school for being an all-around hot mess, Alexis was sent to the Indian Hills High School for fuck-ups. That's where she befriended Rachel Lee and Nick Prugo, the masterminds behind the Bling Ring. It's unclear just how involved Alexis was in the group's activities; she was only ever charged with robbing Orland Bloom's house, and has since claimed that she was drunk and didn't know what was going on...

Well, luckily that shit didn't fly with the courts, and Alexis' Kardashian-wannabe ass was sentenced to 6 months in jail and 3 years probation. But like Paris, Lindsay, Khloé, and all the other socialites who came before her, Alexis only served a fraction of her sentence. Guess she finally got the celebrity treatment she so desperately sought after.

Since her time in prison and a subsequent trip to rehab, Alexis has sobered up and is married with a baby. She has spoken openly about her past several times and seems to have turned her life around. I really do commend her for that. But I still think she's a cunt. And I'll leave you with the best moment from television history.

Cunt of the Week: The Sprouse Twins

Excuse me while I vomit.

UMMM. Do you fucking SEE the picture above? That is what Dylan and Cole Sprouse actually look like today. I'm completely nauseous. You used to be able to differentiate them by simply saying Dylan was the chunky one and Cole was the twiggy one. Now you have to say Cole's the one with the fucking ponytail and Dylan is the wannaBieber. This picture alone should validate my choice of the Sprouse Twins as Cunt of the Week, but because I'm so dedicated to making sure their credentials are widely known, I'll press on. Dylan and Cole aren't really active cunts. It's in their passive obnoxiousness that makes them cunts.

Your earliest memory of the Sprouse Twins (or, as their clothing line would have you call them, the Sprouse Bros) is as their joint role in Big Daddy with Adam Sandler. For whatever reasons, only Cole scored the next big role as Ben Gellar on Friends. Of course, the "twinning" brothers didn't achieve fame until they starred on The Suite Life of Zack & Cody. On the Disney sitcom, they played two twins (shocker!) who lived in a hotel with a ragtag bunch of fuck-ups played by Ashley Tisdale & Co.

Throughout the six total years on the show and its subsequent spin-off The Suite Life on Deck, it appeared as though the Sprouse Twins liked to play several games: (1) let's see who can be the worst actor; (2) let's see how long we can grow out our hair before it becomes completely and indescribably ratchet; and (3) let's see if we can still get away with identity-swapping storylines if one of us is twice the size of the other.

Luckily since The Suite Life's finale in 2011, Dylan and Cole have been virtually absent from television screens across the globe. But that hasn't stopped them from cunting it up like no other! They currently attend New York University (after deferring acceptance for a year... like who does that at NYU?) In the meantime, Cole ran his own blog on Tumblr and interacted with fans for a few months in late 2012 before revealing that it was all just an experiment to see how people would feel about being observed... I'm not sure I get it, but I do know that his fans we PISSED. I was mostly just surprised that he still had fans.

Really? Cuz I'm fucking not.

Cunt of the Week: Kristen Stewart

Always lively, always photogenic.

Is there anything more cunt-inducing than Twilight? Aside from the sheer beauty of Kellan Lutz, I can't think of a single good thing that was birthed from that shitty book-turned-film series. This is especially true when it comes to Kristen Stewart, who brought to life played Bella Swan in the movies.

In case you're wondering... Yes, Kristen Stewart does consider herself an actress, and she's paid an obscene amount of money for her so-called performances. If you're like me, you're wondering how the hell she ever got her big break. She's neither pretty nor talented, so what does she bring to the table? Well, it turns out that both her parents have been in the biz forever, so her sickening career is just a result of good connections.

It's true that KStew may have gotten her start in a nonspeaking role in the groundbreaking Disney Channel mermaid flick The Thirteenth Year, but it wasn't until the 2008 release of the first Twilight film that she became a pain in everybody's asses. As Bella, Kristen woodenly wandered around the screen and belched out her lines as if she had better things to do. As more and more of the vampire flicks hit the silver screen, Kristen only became more and more famous, and her real life romance with onscreen lover Robert Pattinson didn't help matters. That shit might have worked for Zac and Vanessa, but ain't nobody wanna see these two date in real life.

(Sidebar: Were we really expected to believe that characters played by the allegedly attractive Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner would fight over this troll? I personally don't buy it.)

Of course, perhaps Kristen's most notorious display of cuntitude occurred in July 2012, when Us Weekly published photos of Kristen's pale ass clinging onto her very married Snow White and the Huntsman director Rupert Saunders. In the months that followed, KStew was called "The Most Hated Woman in America." This was a really fun time for me, even though it appears that Robert and much of the public has since forgiven her. (She's even moving forward with a fucking Snow White sequel. Like wtf, seriously...)

For kicks, let's hear what Kristen has to say about herself, her career, and her life. Get ready for some ironic lawlz:

• "You can learn so much from bad things. I feel boring. I feel like, Why is everything so easy for me? I can't wait for something crazy to fucking happen to me. Just life. I want someone to fuck me over. Do you know what I mean?"
• "Good relationship advice for me trends to be being honest and knowing yourself. Don't be an asshole. Don't be mean. Don't take shit. Don't settle."
• "I do things very impulsively; I don't really like to plan things at all. If I am passionate about something then I will do it."
• "I think romance is anything honest. As long as it's honest, it's so disarming."
• "What you don't see are the cameras shoved in my face and the bizarre intrusive questions being asked, or the people falling over themselves, screaming and taunting to get a reaction. The photos are so... I feel like I'm looking at someone being raped."

Now that the Twilight saga is finally over (five fucking films later), I do hope that we don't hear too much of KStew in the future. She's not even the funny kind of hot mess who says stupid shit and gets into trouble. She's just really fucking annoying and, to be quite fucking honest, a cunt.

Cunt of the Week: The Pussycat Dolls (The Ones Who Aren't Nicole Scherzinger)

Pussycat walk.

Pop Quiz: How many Pussycat Dolls can you name? If you're pop culture savvy, you'll know at least Nicole Scherzinger. But do you know any others? Do you even know how many there are? Hopefully, the answer to both those questions is "no."

And THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is why the Pussycat Dolls are getting Cunt of the Week. Before we delve into more specific reasoning, let me answer the question above. Since the group's musical debut in 2003, twenty-six different girls have called themselves Pussycat Dolls. TWENTY-SIX. And most stayed on for less than a year.

Now, let's backtrack. The Pussycat Dolls was originally a burlesque dance group created by a woman named Robin Antin in 1995. Christina Applegate and Carmen Electra were amongst some of the dancers in the group's early days. Slowly, the Pussycat Dolls began taking over. Bitches were in Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle, P!nk music videos, and racy spreads in mags like Playboy and Maxim. They were on the prowl, and as any Disney Channel star will tell you, the next lesson in World Domination 101 is getting a recording contract.

And in 2003, that's exactly what happened. The Pussycat Dolls, headed by Nicole, hit the music scene. With jams like "Don't Cha", "Stickwitu", and "Buttons", they were a refreshing presence in the ever-changing pop music landscape of the early 2000s. As the girls geared up for 2008 follow-up album, which yielded "When I Grow Up" and "I Hate This Part", they did some major re-shuffling. Basic bitches were replaced by simplistic bitches. And nobody noticed. PCD, as they call themselves, even did a fucking reality show in which they searched for the next Pussycat Doll. But whoever won either quit or was kicked out the group before she even got into the recording studio (a phrase I use metaphorically, because as we'll learn...)

Nicole was doing all the work. She recorded all of the lead vocals, as well as the back-up vocals. The other dolls didn't even step foot in the studio. According to Nicole, they didn't even hear the songs until she had already finished recorded them. In fact, she tried several times to do a solo album (which she eventually did in 2011), but was forced to halt progress on it and use many of her solo songs for the Pussycat Dolls.

Shit truly hit the fan, however, when Nicole started getting credited separately from her so-called band mates; their 2010 single "Jai Ho! (You Are My Destiny)" was released by "The Pussycat Dolls, featuring Nicole Scherzinger." At this point, the other girls were incredibly pressed and started talking to the press like little brats. They even called Nicole out in the middle of concert: "Thank you for supporting me, even if I'm not featured," Basic Bitch #9 Melody Thornton said in 2009 concert performance. "You know what I'm saying?"

Yeah, we know what you're saying. You're saying you're a massive cunt.

To make my point more poignantly, allow me liken PCD's situation to school projects. We all hate that shit, right? Because you always end up doing ALL the fucking work while your group mates sit around with their thumbs up their asses and then reap the benefits of all your hard work when the teacher gives you all an 'A'. Well here's poor Nicole, working her ass off to record six girls' worth of vocals, launches them all to international stardom, and then she has to share the spotlight with a band of ungrateful cunts, who throw fits when Nicole is finally recognized in the way she deserves.

Luckily, the group disbanded in 2010 and has yet to make a comeback. Robin Antin claims she is actively looking for a new crop of girls, but Nicole Scherzinger and any of the other twenty-five hoes who were attached to the group at one point or another won't be a part of that.

So, I implore all of you, my faithful readers, to listen to the Pussycat Dolls, enjoy the undeniable jams they've provided us, and say to yourself, "Wow, that Nicole sure is great!"

Cunt of the Week: Lady Gaga

Ugh. I just can't.

In the music industry, cunts are a dime a dozen. This is perhaps best illustrated by the battle for who will surpass Madonna as the Queen of Pop. While Britney is the obvious successor, basic bitches like Katy Perry, Rihanna, and Beyoncé think they stand a chance. The only person who has come close to swiping the title is none other than this Cunt of the Week, Lady Gaga.

For those of you who don't remember who Lady Gag-a is (because she's thankfully fallen of the radar in the past year or so), allow me to refresh your memory. She's Cyndi Lauper and Elton John's lovechild who grew up to become a self-important singing gypsy. Ever since she hit the music scene in 2008, she's proven to be nothing more than an absolute cunt. The biggest problem with Lady G is the fact that everybody thinks she's the fucking mecca of pop music. Her songs are so inspirational, she is so unique, and she is so talented. Except not. That is all bullshit. And here's why.

First off, she's not all that inspiring. Between P!nk raising her glass for the under dogs and Selena Gomez shutting down anybody who says you're not perfect, empowering pop anthems are an inescapable trend. Lady Gaga is perhaps the premier engineer of such tunes. "Dance in the Dark" speaks about body image, "Americana" touches upon immigration, and of course "Born This Way" is a shout-out to the gays. But at what point do these messages stop becoming meaningful and start becoming trite? I can't say for sure, but I know for fucking sure that Lady Gaga passed that point ages ago. Maybe her songs offer hope to the downtrodden, but she exploits social issues and her fanbase to make her music even more successful than it already is and das tacky. Sorry, Little Monsters, but y'all just her prop.

Secondly, Lady Gaga is a lot of things, but unique is not one of them. Sure, she may be the first person to wear a dress made out of Kermit the Frog dolls or arrive at the Grammys in a fucking egg, but her very being is a collection of shit she's stolen from other artists. From her blonde yellow hair that has been trademarked by Cyndi Lauper for decades to her music videos that scream Michael Jackson, nothing about Lady Gag-me's artistry is special. And as if I have to say it, almost every move she makes is taken from Madonna's playbook. (Please listen to "Born This Way" and then Madonna's 1989 hit "Express Yourself" to HEAR the similarities.)

Lastly, I'll evaluate Lady Gaga's talent. Sure, she has a nice voice, and she clearly knows how to pen a jam or two. But if you take away her soap box, crazy costumes, and alienating personality, her skills are underwhelming. There's nothing she can do that her peers cannot. You may say Britney is less talented, but at least she sets the trends in pop music. (Rolling Stone didn't name Blackout the most influential pop album of the past five years for shits and giggles.) Lady Gaga is always behind the curve.

Lady Gaga is not the pop engineer everybody thinks she is. In fact, she's the most reductive, redundant, irrelevant cunt on the block. I'll leave you with this graphic, which displays Lady Gaga's only lasting impact on the industry.

One list Britney will never be on.

Cunt of the Week: Chris Brown

Stings, don't it?

It was only a matter of time before Chris Brown received the title of Cunt of the Week. With Rihanna being the first recipient and Justin Bieber recently opening up the award to all genders, Chris just seemed like the next logical choice. Of course, I hardly have to tell you what's so cunty about him. But where's the fun in holding back?

Chris Brown didn't start off so bad. In fact, he was pretty clean cut when he first hit (too soon?) the scene. He signed with Jive Records in 2005, a decision he made based on the label's success with artists like Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake. Clearly, Chris possessed what we in the biz call common sense. If you're able to recognize Britney has the ideal everything career, you might just deserve to follow in her footsteps.

Chris was making great progress with his career, releasing jams such as "Gimme That" and "Kiss Kiss", scoring the occasional acting gig, and maintaining a squeaky clean rep. Hell, he was like Usher and vintage Michael Jackson rolled into one. He was great. He was on top. Nothing could stop him!

But then...

On February 8, 2009, Chris beat the shit out of Rihanna. Like real bad. Overnight, Chris became Public Enemy #1. (Rihanna maybe should have become some sort of martyr, but nobody seemed to care too much about her.) His reputation was ruined and his career was ruined. I, like most of us, could do nothing but ask HOW. How could this baby-faced singer sing something so sentimental as "With You" and then also be a woman-beater?

But before anybody could really assess the sitch, Chris did some immediate damage control. He made a few heavily scripted and severely unconvincing video messages to the public and broke down while performing a cover of "Man in the Mirror". It was all pretty transparent, but at least he was trying. It was all probably for the best, except for when he compared himself and RiRi to Romeo and Juliet, because that's fucking disgusting to say, even for a non-violent person. Most disturbing, however, was the slew of teenage girls who said shit like:

Chris Brown is sooo hawt! I'd let him hit me!

That actually happened. Like, there was a news story on it. And if those are the kinds of fans you have, you bet your ass you're a cunt.

Now, if this was a one-time mistake for Chris, I supposed that he maybe wouldn't have gotten Cunt of the Week. After all, he's not the first celebrity to make a mistake, and if Rihanna can forgive him, beaver first, why can't the rest of us? But the thing is, Chris kept cunting it up. Let's see how...

• He and Rihanna are currently together again. It's fucking stupid on both their parts, but why Chris was able to tolerate her in the first place, I'll never know.
• He goes on endless Twitter rants and public tirades, throwing around racist and homophobic slurs like they're going out of style.
• In March 2011, he threw a TV out of his dressing room window after filming an interview for Good Morning America.
• That same month, nude pictures of him hit the internet. Shit, even Rihanna has yet to be that classless.
• Also that month, he bleached his hair and looked like a total douche. March 2011 was a big month for Chris.
• In June 2012, he got into an altercation with Drake at a New York bar.
• In September 2012, he got a neck tattoo that looks suspiciously like a bruised Rihanna post-smackdown.
• In February 2013, he allegedly assaulted Frank Ocean.

It's clear that Chris Brown is nowhere near finding his path to recovery. Sure, he's still successful, but he's arguably the most hated man in America and has done little to fix his reputation. Maybe if we stopped buying his music, he'd realize he had to clean up his act. Until then, however, I hope that the next time you hear him on the radio, you think to yourself, What a cunt!

P.S. Let this be a lesson to us all. If you hate a bitch, blog about it. Don't hit her!

Cunt of the Week: Kendall & Kylie Jenner

The poor man's Kardashians.

In 2007, something beautiful happened. Pseudo-celebrity Kim Kardashian's sex tape leaked, and just like that, Paris Hilton's camera-ready bestie became a star in her own right. It didn't take long for the E! Network to exploit that shit with Keeping Up with the Kardashians, which made Kim and her family mega-famous almost overnight. For the most part, this was a good thing. America was introduced to the monotonous and uncaring Kourtney, the loud and crude Khloé, and the controlling and mentally unstable Kris. However, with the good comes the bad, and we were also subjected to this weeks cunts, Kendall and Kylie Jenner.

At first, it wasn't that bad, because they were both under the age of 13 and kept in the background (save for a really disturbing episode when they attempted to re-enact Girls Gone Wild). But damn, as soon as those brats hit their teens, all fucking hell broke loose. Sometimes, Kylie would wear too much make-up, which would make Papa Bruce angry. Other times, Kendall would secretly get a dog, which would also infuriate Bruce. They both started having delusions of grandeur and started acting like they were the stars of the show. With every new season of the Kardashians would come a declaration from the half-wits that they would be getting more screen time.

And more screen time they got. Whether it was Kylie running away from home or Kendall casually jetting off to Las Vegas without her parents' knowledge to get a tattoo on the eve of her sixteenth birthday, it became damn near impossible to watch an episode of the show without these cunts fucking shit up. I'm sorry, but when I'm watching a show called Keeping Up with the KARDASHIANS, I except to be kept up with the KARDASHIANS, not two tweens who have deluded themselves into thinking they're an integral part of the show. What's worse is that the girls are professional models and, as was the case for The Hunger Games premiere, occasional reporters. They think they're full-blown celebrities. Ever checked out their instragrams? They post selfies like every 11 seconds. You don't even have to follow them to see their photos, because they frequently hack into their siblings' accounts and post additional selfies from there. It's a great time.

While the girls spend their time bitching and raiding their older sisters' closets, the sad truth is that they are sort of Kardashians, meaning they are somewhat immune from this title. Even still, I know that when any of us tune in to reality TV's royal family and we're forced to endure Kendall and Kylie, we'll be thinking, God, what cunts!

Cunt of the Week: Shannen Doherty

You can take the girl out of Beverly Hills... And then you realize she
shouldn't have ever been there in the first place.

As Jennie Garth was Tommy Time's first ever Bitch of the Week, it seems only appropriate that I give her ultimate foe, Shannen Doherty, Cunt of the Week. And oh is ShanDo a cunt. Her first major act of cuntitude is her name. An E and no O's? Mm. But it wasn't until the 1990s, when she was cast as Brenda Walsh in Beverly Hills, 90210, that the name Shannen Doherty became a household synonym with "major cunt-ass bitch." (Imagine the fun you could have by telling someone you hate that he/she is such a Shannen Doherty, and they would have no idea what you were talking about!)

Shannen's time as Brenda Walsh, who was a cunt in her own right, lasted only four seasons. By this time, everybody was sick and tired of her bullshit. Her inflated ego took a blow when the Walsh-centric drama was revamped into an ensemble teen drama and she was forced to share the spotlight with the supporting cast. She didn't hold back when it came to expressing her dissatisfaction.

The increased focus on the ensemble cast strained Shannen's already-tumultuous relationships with her co-stars, particularly Jennie. The girls' feud was notorious, and according to Tori Spelling, they frequently fought over wardrobe and even got into a fist fight once. Think Jennie's just as much to blame? She's not. Shannen was also known to argue with Gabrielle Carteris and break into Jason Priestley's dressing room. On one occasion, she allegedly crashed a car on set and blamed it on Ian Ziering. Even her on-screen boyfriend Luke Perry allegedly requested to work with Shannen as little as possible. Shannen had shown her true cunting colors and everybody hated her, as they should. So after she rebelliously cut her hair mid-episode, thus throwing off continuity, nobody spoke up when Aaron Spelling decided to fire her.

All of this was in ADDITION to Shannen's other monumental personal problems, including frequent and fleeting engagements, a secret and bizarre last-minute marriage, bar fights, evictions, a lawsuit for bouncing over 70 checks, and accusations from a former fiancé that the actress held him at gunpoint and threatened to hire men to sodomize him in her front yard.

Shannen was universally hated, on and off-screen, and her career took a hit. In quite possibly his biggest regret, however, Aaron Spelling gave her a second chance and cast the troubled cunt in his supernatural series Charmed. But it seems like Shannen didn't learn her lesson, because she began duking it out with co-star Alyssa Milano right off the bat. In 2001, after three seasons of on-set drama, Alyssa reportedly threatened to quit unless Shannen was fired. Guess who came out the victor of that ultimatum? That's right: Alyssa. Once again, Shannen was packing her proverbial bags and was on her way out of another Spelling Production.

Since then, Shannen seems to have cleaned up her act. She has admitted to being a pain to work with, and for instigating most of the on-set tension with her co-stars. Still, her career is practically non-existent. While she reprised her role as Brenda Walsh for a season of the new 90210 fourteen years after getting fired from the original show, she's basically been reduced to a part-time reality star who makes television movies called Gretly: The Witch Hunter. So, just let that sink in.

No matter what she does now, ShanDo will never be able to undo over a decade's worth of cuntitude. If there's a lesson to be learned in all of this, it's that you should never go up against Jennie Garth. You will lose and your life will be ruined.

Demi Lovato: Not a Cunt, Not Yet a Bitch

Demi desperately trying to be Miley.

Ever since the advent of Tommy Time's Bitch and Cunt of the Week, I've struggled to determine which title was best suited for Disney darling Demi Lovato. Not matter how much time I spend assessing the situation, I reach only one conclusion: Demi doesn't belong in either category; rather, she exists, quite possibly alone, in an in-between state. This post will explain why.

The story of how Demi rose to fame is nothing special. After Hilary Duff showed Disney Channel they could turn mediocre-at-best child actors into mediocre-at-best singers, the company began looking for anyone they could turn into a million-dollar brand. Existing assets like Raven were immediately put on the fast track for (often ill-fated) music careers. New stars were introduced in music-oriented programing, like Miley Cyrus in Hannah Montana, so the transition from actress to pop star would be seamless.

Everything people hate about Disney Channel.

So when Demi found herself cast in Camp Rock in 2008, she was clearly just another lucky victim of the Disney machine. At first, she was harmless. Sure, Camp Rock would never be as good as High School Musical, and Demi had some fugly ass bangs. But she would never be as bad as Miley, who was starting to shred her kid-friendly image one scandalous photo at a time, right?

For a while, it seemed that way. Demi was fortunate enough to have gotten "in" with the Jonas Brothers. (For whatever reason, in a pre-Bieber world, the girlfriends of teen heartthrobs were embraced by the fans, not threatened.) She was also biffles with fellow Disney starlet and Miley antithesis Selena Gomez, a friendship that culminated in the television movie Princess Protection Program. (Yes, it was as bad as it sounds.) At this time, Demi was still no where near cool enough to be a bitch, but was by no means a cunt.

Then came the pictures. Demi got her first taste of scandal when the tabloids went nuts over red carpet photos of the young starlet with what looked like scars on her wrists. Don't get me wrong; self-harming tendencies are seriously sad and by no means make her a cunt. However, when she blamed the scars on candy bracelets, I was starting to get over it. If you're going to lie about it, let's make it a little more believable. Last time I checked, candy bracelets don't draw blood.

One of the few times the Golden Trio was ever together.

Not too long after, Demi and Selena had a falling out. While Demi was partying hard with her Camp Rock 2 costars, Selena was slowly gaining fame outside of the Mouse House through her friendship with Taylor Swift and alleged romance with Taylor Lautner. The two were no longer seeing eye to eye, and Demi was clearly on a downward spiral of self-harm and self-indulgence.

In 2010, she reached rock bottom when she pulled out of a joint concert tour with the Jonas Brothers and entered a rehab facility for undisclosed physical and emotional issues. As you all know, word soon got out that Demi was indeed cutting herself, and that she also suffered from an eating disorder. She was released four months later. She used her experiences for good and spoke out against the bullying that caused the majority of her pain, which is commendable. The media celebrated her recovery, as they should.

However, what people fail to remember is that Demi was not only getting treated for bulimia and cutting, but also for a cocaine addiction. In fact, the only reason she went to rehab is because her back-up dancer reported Demi's little drug habit to their tour manager. When Demi responded by punching the dancer in the face, her people decided it was high time she got some help. I'm glad Demi is turning her darkest days into something positive, but it always pissed me off that everything else was swept under the rug. She was a victim, for sure, but she also had some 'splaining to do. #IMeanAmIRightOrAmIRight

Since then, however, Demi has really pulled a 180. Is there anyone who wouldn't agree that "Give Your Heart a Break" is a jam? She also proved to be a sassy, passionate, and insightful judge on The X Factor, and even conceded on more than one occasion that fellow judge Britney Spears was her superior. Clearly, she got her shit together.

In conclusion, Demi has had a checkered past. Despite the fact that she could sing circles around Miley or Selena, I've always found her less interesting. And after her monumental personal problems, I'll admit I didn't like her that much at all. #RihannaSyndrome But she's made it really hard to hate her in the past year, and I've definitely become a fan. However, she still lacks the badassness required to be Bitch of the Week. Maybe in the future she'll find herself on that prestigious list. Until then, this will have to do.

Cunt of the Week: Beyoncé

Tyra, is that you?

Before everybody loses their shit, let me assert that I realize this is certainly one of the more controversial selections for Cunt of the Week. But let's all remember that having different opinions is one of the great things about being human! I won't deny that Beyoncé talented; however, I will object to her self-imposed alter ego Sasha Fierce and other such displays of narcissism. I won't trash her for no reason, but I will detail why she is so fucking overrated and, more importantly, why she's a cunt.

We all know Beyoncé got her start in Destiny's Child, which changed band members so much that it makes the Pussycat Dolls look like the most stable and consistent girl group in music history. So why have four women quit the band? It wasn't because they suddenly wanted quiet lives back on the farm in Kansas. No, it was because Beyoncé is a DIVA. And not the good kind of diva that she purports to be in her aptly-titled song, "Diva". She's just a raging cunt and most people can't stand to be around her. Even Michelle Williams, basic and pressed as she is, still talks shit about how awful Beyoncé is.

Though Destiny's Child might as well have been called Beyoncé Knowles & Co., Bey wasn't satisfied with being one of the most successful girl groups of all time. So she decided to embark on a solo career. #TotalCuntMove

All the while, she was dating Jay-Z. All I'm gonna say is that somebody should have put a stop to that shit ASAP. They are two of the biggest egos in the music industry and there aren't words to describe what happens when two people like them get together. Actually, there is a term for it. It's called Blue Ivy.

Beyoncé is undeniably successful as a solo artist. And I'll admit she's talented. "Crazy in Love" is a classic. "Single Ladies" is a jam. "Irreplaceable" is an anthem. But she has done nothing to reinvent the pop/R&B crossover world. Nothing she does is new, which would be fine if people didn't act like she was the goddamn mecca of music. And overtime, she has become increasingly less creative. She once contributed lyrics to every song on an album, but now contributes to barely half, most of which are major snoozers. What she lacks in artistry she makes up for with smoke and mirrors. She's not an artist, she's a performer. Which, again, would be fine if people recognized that.

My biggest problem with Queen B, as she's known to her fans, is not that everybody thinks she's so fucking great. It's that SHE thinks she's the greatest thing to bless this planet since Jesus the motherfucking Christ himself! Who the hell calls themselves Sasha Fierce? Who unnecessarily splits up their 11-song album onto two discs? What kind of sicko announces their pregnancy at an awards show in the middle of a tribute to Britney Spears?! Who stores everything used in their productions, even something as simple as a technical light, in a warehouse so nobody else can use it? What kind of person closes off half a hospital to have their one baby? (Screw the other expectant mothers, I guess.) And who not only lip syncs the national anthem at a presidential inauguration, but makes the grandiose gesture of ripping out her earpiece to fool people into thinking she's singing live, unaided by a track?

Beyoncé, that's who.

But the worst is yet to come. Check this shit out:

I don't feel like I have to please anyone. I feel free. I feel like I'm an adult. I'm grown. I can do what I want. I can say what I want. I can retire if I want. That's why I've worked hard.

THIS irked me to no end. Listen up, Beyoncé. Being an adult is not stomping around, doing and saying whatever you feel like. And you may have worked hard, but considering retirement at age 31 is beyond ridiculous. Yeah, you worked hard and just so happen to have made a gazillion dollars from it. But most people work much harder, and for much longer. And if music is really your passion, you should consider yourself lucky to still have a fan base that will support your career and allow you to continue living your dream. You wouldn't retire just because you have enough money to live off of for 70 lifetimes.

I know many of you are probably still shitting glitter from her Super Bowl performance, but I hope I successfully alerted you to some of the problems with her. It's only halfheartedly that I give her the Cunt of the Week; in truth, I think she's just overrated. But dgaf. She's getting it anyway!

Cunt of the Week: Justin Bieber

Didn't hear me? I called you a cunt.

I've always aimed to make the Cunt of the Week award progressive, to make it attainable for anybody, regardless of race, religion, or gender. So, fourteen cunts in, I've finally selected the first of what I'm sure will be many male cunts. (Kind of an oxymoron, wouldn't you say?) And the culprit lucky recipient... Justin Bieber, because it seems like a smooth, easy transition.

Even if you live under a proverbial rock, you still know who Justin, often referred to as the Biebs, is. There's no escaping this prick, no matter how hard you try. Just when you think you're in the clear, BAM! Suddenly he's dating one of your favorite tween starlets, and then you really can't ignore him (but we'll get into that shit later). First and foremost, let me start by saying I don't get it. I just don't get why or how Justin has managed this level of fame or success. Merrily, however, I go on, because this cunt 'bout to get served. #mmhmm!

Justin was born in Canada, which I always imagine as just a cleaner version of America. I've never actually been to Canada, and after it cursed us with both Justin and Carly Rae Jepsen in the same three-year period, I don't ever plan to. Justin's mother was an unwed 17-year-old when she popped out the Bieber from her beaver, and if you ever watch the way she discusses motherhood in interviews, you'd think she gave birth to fucking Jesus or something.

Sometime in the mid-90s, God decided that he really dgafed when it came to making people, thus producing a generation of complete fucking idiots. Thus, by 2008, there was an entire army of uncultured, financially irresponsible, and apparently deaf preteens ready to launch Justin into stardom. They found his crappy YouTube videos and watched that shit on repeat. Pretty soon, manager and part-time pedo Scooter Braun caught wind of Justin's online popularity and, in a move that still makes little sense to me, brought him to Usher, who signed him to a recording contract.

What followed was the closest thing to an apocalypse this planet has ever seen.

Justin shot to super stardom, seemingly overnight. Whether they liked it or not, everybody knew the words to "Baby" (not like it was hard). The baby-faced singer and his swooshy haircut adorned many a locker. Bieber Fever was, like, a thing. He was on top of the world. But there was a catch... Puberty.

The world was buzzing. How would Justin manage once his balls dropped and his voice followed? Well, unfortunately for those of us who still respect humanity, he did just fine! He released a new crop of songs that were phenomenally better than his old shit. (The lower octaves suit him.) Still, as Christina Aguilera has proven, catchy club music does not excuse you from massive amounts of cuntitude.

With new music came a new personal image and a fresh attitude. Justin, who's barely legal today, started flipping off the paparazzi and saying things like "wussup man, how you doin?" and "it's like, whateva" despite being raised in middle-class suburbia. He started dating Selena Gomez, to which I took personal offense, and smoked weed like it was going out of style. Oh, and he started dressing like this to meet the Prime Minister of Canada:

I wouldn't even wear this to meet a prostitute.

He was no longer the adorable boy next door, but some pint-sized wankster wannabe. All the while, Justin advocated pro-life, even under the circumstances of rape, referred to homosexuality as a "decision," and, perhaps most offensively, shunned the VERY generous comparisons between him and Justin Timberlake.

And, only 3 years into his career, he's already whored himself out like no other. Let's take a look:

• His haircut in 2010 forced toymakers to change merchandise modeled after the Biebs, making it the most musical expensive haircut ever.
• He capitalized on his lesbian appearance by posing for an androgynous magazine.
• He's duetted with EVERYONE under the fucking sun, including Lucacris, Sean Kingston, Jaden Smith, Miley Cyrus, Big Sean, Drake, Nicki Minaj, Chris Brown, Usher, Mariah Carey, and Carley Rae Jepsen.
• Speaking of Carly Rae, even though she placed third on Canadian Idol in 2007 and had a decent career before "Call Me Maybe", the Biebs somehow managed to take credit for discovering her.

At only 18 years old, Justin Bieber has a lifetime of cunting it up ahead of him. Here's hoping that he eventually gets his shit together. But I'm not getting my hopes up.