It's Getting Harder and Harder to Keep Up with the Kardashians

The Kardashian Kingdom

I miss the days when as long as you knew whether or not Kourtney and Scott were together, you were a Kardashian expert. I long for the episodes when going to Kim's house meant going to her chic townhouse, not a triple gated mansion in Beverly Hills. I'm nostalgic for the time when you didn't have to rely on TMZ, Perez Hilton, and other supplementary reading because the show covered just about everything you'd want to know.

Sadly, it's a different time for Kardashians, and by extension, their fans. They're one of the most famous and controversial families in the world, and they've been burned by the spotlight so many times that it seems like, for the first time since Kim's infamous sex tape leaked, they're playing it close to the vest.

In the words of Britney Spears, it's "another day, another drama" for the Kardashians. They're in the headlines every day, and it's not to see which sister wore it best. It's divorce, drugs, and other dirty deeds that even the most passionate fanatic can't possible keep up with. The current season of Keeping Up With the Kardashians is leaving us with more questions than answers, especially in regards to oft-alluded-to-but-never-explicitly-explained drama from when Bruce left his second wife for Kris. But now with this tabloid storm surrounding the family, we're even more in the dark than we realized.

First, there's Robert Kardashian's widow, who claims to have his journals, which reveal, among other things, that Kris Jenner physically abused her children and Khloé isn't his legitimate daughter. Obviously the notion that Kris is abusive is a little far fetched, and it's something the entire family has denied. But the theory that Khloé isn't a Kardashian by birth certainly doesn't fall on deaf ears. It's something even she's wondered on camera.

Speaking of Khloé, how shocking was it to hear about Lamar's drug problem? His addiction culminated in DUI charges in August and a reported trip to rehab. Besides cryptic tweets and a vague and likely scripted scene on the show, there aren't many clues as to how Khloé is dealing with her crippling marriage, although most signs point to divorce.

Aaaannd speaking of divorce, Kris and Bruce seem to be headed in that direction. After months of speculation, they announced their separation. Kris claims it amicable, but insiders say that's not the case. Kendall's reportedly on her father's side, but Kylie is Team Kardashian.

Then there's Kim, who's taking a backseat to the drama for the first time in her life. After giving birth to baby Nori (gag me), Kim and Kanye surprised us all by forgoing the expected tabloid baby pictures, for which they would have pocketed millions. In fact, Kanye is reportedly urging Kim to step away from the limelight permanently and settle down with him in Paris.

But I think the most important question of all is how is Rob?? Has he lost the weight? How's the sock line going? These are the questions that keep me up at night!

Cunt of the Week: Kendall & Kylie Jenner

The poor man's Kardashians.

In 2007, something beautiful happened. Pseudo-celebrity Kim Kardashian's sex tape leaked, and just like that, Paris Hilton's camera-ready bestie became a star in her own right. It didn't take long for the E! Network to exploit that shit with Keeping Up with the Kardashians, which made Kim and her family mega-famous almost overnight. For the most part, this was a good thing. America was introduced to the monotonous and uncaring Kourtney, the loud and crude Khloé, and the controlling and mentally unstable Kris. However, with the good comes the bad, and we were also subjected to this weeks cunts, Kendall and Kylie Jenner.

At first, it wasn't that bad, because they were both under the age of 13 and kept in the background (save for a really disturbing episode when they attempted to re-enact Girls Gone Wild). But damn, as soon as those brats hit their teens, all fucking hell broke loose. Sometimes, Kylie would wear too much make-up, which would make Papa Bruce angry. Other times, Kendall would secretly get a dog, which would also infuriate Bruce. They both started having delusions of grandeur and started acting like they were the stars of the show. With every new season of the Kardashians would come a declaration from the half-wits that they would be getting more screen time.

And more screen time they got. Whether it was Kylie running away from home or Kendall casually jetting off to Las Vegas without her parents' knowledge to get a tattoo on the eve of her sixteenth birthday, it became damn near impossible to watch an episode of the show without these cunts fucking shit up. I'm sorry, but when I'm watching a show called Keeping Up with the KARDASHIANS, I except to be kept up with the KARDASHIANS, not two tweens who have deluded themselves into thinking they're an integral part of the show. What's worse is that the girls are professional models and, as was the case for The Hunger Games premiere, occasional reporters. They think they're full-blown celebrities. Ever checked out their instragrams? They post selfies like every 11 seconds. You don't even have to follow them to see their photos, because they frequently hack into their siblings' accounts and post additional selfies from there. It's a great time.

While the girls spend their time bitching and raiding their older sisters' closets, the sad truth is that they are sort of Kardashians, meaning they are somewhat immune from this title. Even still, I know that when any of us tune in to reality TV's royal family and we're forced to endure Kendall and Kylie, we'll be thinking, God, what cunts!