This or That (or That): The Miley/Demi/Selena Showdown of 2013

They're all pretty fucking content with themselves.

So basically for like all of 2013, I've been talking about how pretty much every pop princess is doing whatever it takes to be alpha bitch of the music scene. And while Britney is going to slay all these bitches come December 3, one cannot deny that there are several contenders deserving of second place.

Three horses in the running — Miley Cyrus, Demi Lovato, and Selena Gomez —are also involved in their own competition (or so I'd like to think) to see who can come out as the most successful Disney star. So, in a special edition of This or That, let's take a closer to look to see who came out on top.

Album sales & charts

• Demi debuted at #3 with 110,000 copies sold.
• Stars Dance debuted at #1 with 97,000 copies sold.
• Bangerz debuted at #1 with 270,000 copies sold.

While Demi managed to outsell Selena in their opening weeks, Selena reached the top position. But it doesn't matter, because Miley blew them both out of the water.

Single sales & charts

• "Heart Attack" reached #10 and has sold over 2 million copies.
• "Made in the USA" reached #80 and its sales haven't been released.
• "Come & Get It" reached #6 and has sold over 2 million copies.
• "Slow Down" reached #36 and has sold over 200,000 copies.
• "We Can't Stop" reached #2 and has sold over 2 million copies.
• "Wrecking Ball" reached #1 and has sold over 2 million copies.

So obviously Miley came out on top here, having two singles smash in both sales and charting.

Critical reception

• Demi received "mostly positive" reviews, scoring 64/100 on Metacritic, an aggregate of professional reviews.
• Stars Dance received "mixed" reviews, earning a score of 59/100.
• Bangerz had "mostly positive" reviews, scoring 62/100.

It's a marginal victory, but Demi seems to have pleased the critics most.

Tommy Time reception

• Demi: "Though Demi fails to take the singer forward in her musical journey, it proves to be a solid pop album. Those hoping for Taylor Swift-level personal details will be disappointed, but Lovatics will be more than satisfied, and Demi's impressive voice alone is enough to win over new converts."
• Stars Dance: "Stars Dance... [traps] Selena in the same anonymity and incohesiveness she struggled with earlier in her career. The final verdict: Selena gets major brownie points for her impressive musical risks, but that same ambition costs the album the presence of its star." 
• Bangerz: "Every song on Bangerz is a banger: a loud, colorful, trashy depiction of how the singer lives (or at least how she wants us to think she lives). But it's in that chaos that the album works; even when it's bad, it's so bad, it's almost good."

While I respected Miley and Selena for taking risks, I think Demi won out by playing it safe and creating the best album between the three of them.

So who came out on top? There's no denying that Miley, with the biggest sales and loudest headlines, is the most successful of the Disney darlings. It's history repeating itself, tbqfh, as you'll see below. I've taken the liberty of color coding the girls' chart positions from over the years so you have a visual of who's on top. (And to be generous, I've omitted Miley's releases as Hannah Montana.)

Album charts

• #1 Bangerz (2013)
• #1 Breakout (2008)
• #1 Here We Go Again (2009)
• #1 Meet Miley Cyrus (2007)
• #1 Stars Dance (2013)
• #2 Don't Forget (2008)
• #2 The Time of Our Lives (2009)
• #3 Can't Be Tamed (2010)
• #3 Demi (2013)
• #3 When the Sun Goes Down (2011)
• #4 Unbroken (2011)
• #4 A Year Without Rain (2010)
• #9 Kiss & Tell (2009)

Singles charts

• #1 "Wrecking Ball" (2013)
• #2 "Party in the USA" (2009)
• #2 "We Can't Stop" (2013)
• #4 "The Climb" (2009) 
• #6 "Come & Get It" (2013)
• #8 "Can't Be Tamed" (2010)
• #9 "7 Things" (2008)
• #9 "This Is Me" (2008)
• #10 "Heart Attack" (2013)
• #10 "See You Again" (2008) 
• #10 "Skyscraper" (2011)
• #15 "Here We Go Again" (2009)
• #16 "Give Your Heart a Break" (2012)
• #16 "When I Look at You" (2010)
• #18 "Hoedown Throwdown" (2009)
• #21 "Who Says" (2011)
• #22 "Love You Like a Love Song" (2011)
• #24 "Round & Round" (2010)
• #29 "Naturally" (2010)
• #35 "A Year Without Rain" (2010)
• #36 "Slow Down" (2013)
• #41 "Don't Forget" (2009)
• #43 "Get Back" (2008)
• #52 "La La Land" (2009)
• #68 "Start All Over" (2008) 
• #80 "Made in the USA" (2013)
• #82 "Falling Down" (2009) 
• #84 "Fly On the Wall" (2008)
• #103 "Hit the Lights" (2011)

This or That: Christina Aguilera vs. Britney Spears

Pictured: treasure (left) and trash (right).

It's a rivalry as old as time. The skank vs. the sweetheart, the diva vs. the lolita, the voice vs. the x-factor. That's right. It's Christina Haguilera vs. the Legendary Miss Britney Spears. These two pop stars have been pitted against one another since their diaper days on The Mickey Mouse Club, and I think it's pretty clear to everyone just who came out on top. But for argument's sake, today's This or That will present my reasoning for just how one of these women is better than the other. Let's go!

Musical styles and influence
Britney is always ahead of the curve, setting trends with every song she releases. She's often credited as leading the revival in teen pop in the late 1990s. This blast of bubblegum pop would later allow artists such as Miley Cyrus, Selena Gomez, and Justin Bieber to start their music careers at an early age. With Britney's R&B influences and In the Zone's urban elements, B segued into electropop dance music, which has defined the later half of her career. Without her taking those reins, artists like Lady Gaga wouldn't have careers. And whether you love it or hate it, dubstep was first introduced into mainstream music by Britney's "Freakshow". Blackout was dubbed the most influential pop album of the decade by Rolling Stone, and it was also inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Britney's influence is massive and beyond reproach!

Christina's R&B influences and preference for low-profile producers helped her establish a unique identity that was pretty different from Britney's at first. And it worked, and her willingness to take risks produced the wonderfully jazz-infused Back to Basics album. But in recent years, Christina has had an identity crises. After dismissing autotune, her vocals on Bionic were notably computerized. (She later called the album "ahead of its time" after it flopped, but I just call it "shit.") Her most recent effort, Lotus, proved that she had finally caved in. She worked with the hottest producers and assembled a collection of the most reductive and formulaic dance songs you could imagine. There's a reason you're probably unaware that she released an album just last November. Obviously, this round goes to Britney!

Vocal talent
Everybody has to admit that Christina is the better vocalist. (Some even think she's black!) Britney has said, on numerous occasions, that she would like to have a voice like Christina's. While it's worth noting that Britney has an amazing voice, one that her music generally doesn't show, it's nowhere near Christina's level, and thus this round goes to Christina!

The wow factor
Slutty school girl, red latex, sheer bodysuit, albino snake, bejeweled skin, three-ring circus. What do all of these things have in common? They are elements of Britney's most memorable performances. Christina may have the better voice, but Britney has always been the better performer, and has contributed far more to pop culture iconography than Xtina could ever hope. This round goes to Britney!

Sales, numbers, and figures
Let's talk albums first. All but one of Britney's have gone to #1 in the US (Blackout hit #2). All of her albums have been certified platinum, with ...Baby One More Time and Oops!... I Did It Again both achieving the highest honor of diamond. Collectively, she has sold over 100 million albums worldwide. Only 2 of Christina's 7 albums have hit #1, and only 5 have gone platinum (the other 2 haven't even gone gold). Worldwide, she has sold 50 million albums, only have of what Britney's done.

Now let's talk singles. Both singers have boosted a surprisingly low five #1 US hits (including Britney's feature on "S&M" by Rihanna and Christina's features on "Lady Marmalade" and "Moves Like Jagger"). The only difference? The last time Christina hit #1 as a solo artist was in 2000 with "Come On Over Baby (All I Want Is You)". Britney had her last solo #1 in 2011 with "Hold It Against Me".

As for concert tours, let's just say this: Britney's Femme Fatale tour was amongst the top-selling global tours of 2011. Christina's last tour was cancelled due to lack of interest. All together now: this round goes to Britney!

The breakdowns
It's sad but true that unless Britney is going up against Lindsay Lohan or Amanda Bynes, she'll always have the burden of having had one of the biggest celebrity meltdowns ever. Between questionable parenting choices, alleged drug use, a messy divorce, and a shaved head, 2006-08 was not a great time for Brit. And even though she was never arrested like Christina was for being a damn hot mess in 2011, I have to be honest and give this round to Christina.

Lightning round!!!

•  The Voice routinely beats The X Factor in ratings. Point for Christina!
•  Everybody and their mother has come forward to say that meeting Christina was like meeting the devil himself, but Britney is constantly complimented for her sweet modesty and professionalism. Point for Britney!
• Britney doesn't exploit her children, but they're celebrities anyway, kind of in a Suri Cruise kind of way... What was Christina's kid's name again? Point for Britney!
• Madonna kissed both Britney and Christina onstage during the same performance, but only Britney's smooch made headlines. Did you even know that Christina was there? Point for Britney!
• Before P!nk, Lady Gaga, and Katy Perry started churning out songs about the underdog, Christina released "Beautiful", one of the more poignant empowerment songs for the disenfranchised. Britney's music might be more fun, but she's never recorded something this meaningful nor powerful. Point for Christina! 

It's not surprised that Britney emerges the victor. Obviously I wouldn't allow any other outcome, but the facts DO speak for themselves. If her recent album sales are anything to go by, Christina Haguilera doesn't exactly have an army of fans waiting to defend her, but don't bother trying anyway. Britney will always be queen. Thanks!

This or That: Beverly Hills, 90210 vs. Melrose Place

They even wore opposing colors.

 My obsession with Beverly Hills, 90210 and its subsequent spin-offs is hardly a secret. It's one of the most beautiful television franchises in history. And it's probably not a coincidence that its two best series, the original 90210 and its first spin-off Melrose Place, aired together in the 90s. Though they shared the same universe, the shows were vastly difference, so much so that they were constantly pitted against one another during their original broadcasts. This leaves us with one question: Which is better? Once again, Tommy Time's This or That is on the case.

Giving Credit Where Credit is Due

Beverly Hills, 90210 is the foundation of the entire franchise. Story-wise, if Kelly didn't get involved with an older man who lived in an apartment complex off of Melrose Avenue, there wouldn't have been a spin-off. Melrose Place owes BH90210 its life. Not only that, but the parent show revitalized the teen drama, showcasing adolescence in a realistic yet dramatic way never before seen on television, and was one of the first high school centric series to successfully transition into the college years. Melrose Place took a different tonal route (which I'll discuss later), but it didn't do anything that prior primetime soaps like Dallas didn't before it.

Awards and accolades

Neither show reaped up a plethora of awards, and both were snubbed by the Emmys. However, 90210 was nominated for 4 Golden Globes (2 for Best TV Drama and 2 for Jason Priestley as Best TV Drama Actor) while Heather Locklear and Laura Leighton were nominated a total of 5 times for their Melrose performances.

In 2007, Entertainment Weekly named 90210 the #20 classic in the new TV era, with Melrose trailing in at #51. The magazine also named the 90210 theme song as one of television's best and the guys' sideburns as one of the best pop culture fashion trends; Melrose failed to make either list. Both shows made an impact on TV, but it's clear that this round goes to 90210!

Just the numbers

90210 ran for an astounding 10 seasons; Melrose ran for 7. And while Melrose outperformed 90210 during the 1996-1997 broadcast season, it was the latter that won in the ratings. Additionally, the 90210 reboot lasted 5 seasons; Melrose's reboot was cancelled after just one. Without question, 90210 wins this round!

Star power

90210 took a bunch of unknown actors and turned them into superstars. Jason Priestley and Luke Perry were teen heartthrobs while Shannen Doherty, Jennie Garth, and Tori Spelling were notable tabloid fixtures. Along with co-stars Brian Austin Green, Tiffani-Amber Thiessen, and Hilary Swank, the West Bev alums are still household names.

Melrose didn't have nearly as much luck. Heather Locklear was already at the top of her game when she joined the cast, but only Marcia Cross and Kristen Davis emerged from the series with a notability that they still keep to some degree. Clearly, Melrose has nothing on the 9-0 zip. This round goes to 90210!

Quality

Both shows may have shared the same universe, but they couldn't have been more different. 90210 tended to have better performances and stayed as true to reality as it could; the rare outlandish plotline was more than compensated by amazing character development and a strong sense of continuity. Melrose is one of the soapiest shows I've seen. It's crazy storylines never serviced the characters but rather sought to jolt the audience. Different strokes for different folks, but I say this round goes to 90210!

Well, wow (as Amanda Bynes would say in reference to a hair cape). It sure looks like Melrose Place struck out, huh? Well, unlike previous This or Thats, there are no losers here. Both shows are amazing, but 90210 is just superior. If you haven't, I encourage you to watch both series. It's only 17 years worth of television. Totally doable.

This or That: Selena Gomez vs. Demi Lovato

Only one will be laughing in the end.

For about two solid years, Selena Gomez and Demi Lovato were the reigning teen queens of Disney Channel. Miley Cyrus was already making deals with the devil, so the position of Alpha Bitch at the Mouse House was wide open. For a while Semi, biffles since they met on the set of Barney & Friends, shared the title. But as time went on and the girls grew apart, it was clear, perhaps only to me, that there could only be one victor. Who will it be? Let's find out with Tommy Time's This or That.

Acting careers
I've already established that both Demi and Selena got their starts as toddlers on Barney & Friends, which I've never seen, but I imagine to be the poor man's Mickey Mouse Club. It took a while for either to achieve their Disney-level fame. Selena's turn came first in 2007. After guest starring in a few of the channel's most popular shows and landing roles in a couple of pilots that ultimately weren't picked up, Selena landed her breakout role in Wizards of Waverly Place. The popularity of the show led to a steady line of work for Selena and eventually a few starring roles in feature films. While some of these films are the devil's pornography, there's no denying Selena is successful. Additionally, while pigs will fly in the frozen tundra that is Hell before she gets an Academy Award, Selena is considerably more talented than most of her Disney peers.

Demi, on the other hand, would be nothing without Selena. Did you know that after Selena found herself in Disney executives' good favor, she asked them to consider hiring Demi? Yup, that's right. I imagine the first thing the big boss told Demi was to fix the gap between her two front teeth. In the meantime, they stuck her on that shitty two-minute long show As the Bell Rings. Luckily for Demi, however, she soon found herself in the lead roles of the TV musical movie Camp Rock and her very own show Sonny With a Chance. Although she would go on to star in Camp Rock 2 and Princess Protection Program (alongside Selena), Demi's acting career would never see the light of day outside the Mouse House. And that's probably a good thing, because she fucking sucked. This round goes to Selena!

Music careers
In accordance with Disney law, Demi and Selena launched recording careers. Demi is clearly the more talented vocalist and is a favorite among critics, who compare her to Kelly Clarkson and Christina Aguilera like there's no tomorrow. However, Selena is the more successful artist. She has sold almost over one million more albums than Demi and has enjoyed mainstream radio airplay since her second single, "Naturally", in 2010; it wasn't until 2012's "Give Your Heart a Break" that Demi finally broke the barrier from Radio Disney and entered the real world. So one has the talent, the other has the success. This round is a draw!

Personal lives
I've already assessed Demi Lovato's personal life once before, but allow me to recap. Bitch dated Joe Jonas, went fucking cray on cocaine, punched her back-up dancer, and went to rehab for an eating disorder, suicidal tendencies, and other such issues. She's currently rumored to be engaging in an on/off relationship with That 70's Show star Wilmer Valderrama, who may be a catch, but he's 13 years her senior. Gross!

Selena's personal life is drug-free, as far as we know. However, she gets major fines for being best friends with Taylor Swift, as well as for her dating history, which includes Nick Jonas, Taylor Lautner, and of course, Justin Bieber. I've lost a lot of respect for Selena in these past two years. This round is a draw, and not in a good way.

The Feud: Who was right and who was wrong?
It's no secret that Demi and Selena are no longer the best friends they used to be. Rumor has it that when Demi was circling the drain, Selena did her best to reach out but eventually gave up. As Selena grew closer to Taylor Swift, Demi grew closer to Miley, who had publicly made fun of Demi's gap-toothed smile only a year prior. Demi was so fucking pressed about Saylor's friendship that when a fan asked her how Selena was, she passive aggressively replied, "Ask Taylor." According to Demi, she and Selena hadn't spoken "in a while" until S reached out to her when she went to rehab. So Selena is obviously the better friend. This round goes to Selena.

Lightning round!

• Demi's first album was written and produced almost exclusively by the Jonas Brothers. Only a fool would put their musical debut in the hands of a mediocre-at-best boy band. Point for Selena!
• Selena was so insistent on not being a solo artist that she and Disney came up with a compromise: she could have a band so long as it was named after her. Thus, Selena Gomez & The Scene was born. However, as Selena transitioned from pop-rock to dance music, her band members became nothing but stage props. Now, for her fourth album, Selena will be completely Scene-less. All that arguing with the label for nothing. Point for Demi!
• Selena talks about how much she looks up to Britney Spears, but only Demi got to work with her on The X Factor. Point for Demi!
• Demi recorded "Skyscraper", a horrific song about her struggles that she had no hand in writing. Point for Selena!

Well, it would appear that the points are weighted very much in Selena's favor. Can you really say you're surprised? Demi might have the voice, but Selena has pretty much everything else. Congratulations, Selena! I love you like a love song.

This or That: Ryan Gosling vs. Ryan Reynolds

Only one can win.

In today's pop culture, there is not just one, but two Ryans that dominate. And while there may be room for both of them, Tommy Time's This or That only allows for one winner. So let's get started, shall we?

The Basics
Both Ryan Gosling and Ryan Reynolds are Canadian, so whether that's good or bad, it's ultimately innocuous. They're both charitable and have relatively clean records, but I'll deduct a point from each: RyGos for his DUI charge in 2005 and RyRey for most likely cheating on his wife with Blake Lively. Ryan Gosling gets a bonus point for having worked alongside a young Britney Spears on The Mickey Mouse Club, while Ryan Rodney Reynolds obviously has the better name. So what I'm getting at is this round is a draw!

Talent and career
Neither is exactly regarded as the actor of their generation, but Ryan Gosling is the more respected actor by far, and he even has the Oscar nomination to prove it. And I'd be damned if I didn't mention The Notebook somewhere in this post. Meanwhile, with films like Dick and The Proposal, Ryan Reynolds obviously has quite a few classics under his belt; however, other films like The Green Lantern do more than enough to undermine his career. This round goes to Gosling!

Looks
Personally, I'm #TeamReynolds here. And I'm not alone. Though both actors consistently rank on "most attractive celebrities" lists, RyRey is the only one who has nabbed the title of People's Sexiest Man Alive. But the "hey girl" status of Ryan Gosling's popularity, which is frankly out of fucking control, proves that he has quite a fan base. Still, my opinion is the most important here, so score one for Ryan Reynolds!

Personal lives
Both Ryans are private individuals and have dated some of the most beautiful and desired women in Hollywood. RyGos' many high-profile relationships have made me dizzy. Meanwhile, RyRey likes commitment and has only had three serious relationships throughout his fame. Currently, Ryan Gosling is with Eva Mendes, who I find incredibly annoying. Meanwhile, Ryan Reynolds is with Blake Lively, and that's some legit shit. This round goes to Ryan Reynolds!

Well, based on this scientific formula, it's clear that Ryan Reynolds is indeed the better Ryan. I hope RyGos fan girls have learned a valuable lesson here. Just because they have the same name, doesn't mean they're equals. Stay pressed.

This or That: Backstreet Boys vs. 'N Sync

Because I don't think they've ever been photographed together.

One Direction might dominate the boy band scene these days (wtf is the wanted), but errybody knows the golden standard for all-male pop groups rests solely in the long-debated issue of the Backstreet Boys vs. 'N Sync. It's time for Tommy Time to put a rest to this war in the third This or That!

Musical styles
The Backstreet Boys always tended to be a little tamer that 'N Sync. Their music was usually quintessential 90s pop, with a little rock and R&B lightly sprinkled here and there. They get kudos for constantly singing a cappella and harmonizing every chance they got. Meanwhile, 'N Sync's music skewed more toward the club crowd, and they often relied on hip-hop influences. That's about as descriptive as I'll get, because this is a moot point. Potato, patato. Technicalities aside, their musical styles were virtually identical. This round is a draw!

Public image
'N Sync always had more street cred back in the day, not that either group's music was permissible in da hood. The fact that Britney Spears often collaborated with the band and dated one of its members, who is now known as Justin Timberlake, means they skyrocket in bonus points here.

The Backstreet Boys tried hard to remove themselves from the boy band stereotype that New Kids on the Block had established. In fact, the band didn't consider themselves a boy band, but rather a white version of Boyz II Men. Yeah, I think they're the only ones who thought that. Furthermore, the only notable member the Backstreet Boys produced was Nick Carter, and that shit's not impressive. Twenty years later, the band is still going strong and even briefly combined forces with the New Kids to become, I shit you not, NKOTBSB.

I find the fact that they're still together a little embarrassing and the fact that, out of shear desperation, they teamed up with the very band they said they would never be like pathetic. Clearly, 'N Sync comes out on top!

Classic songs
Though it was often hard to tell which song came from which band, their credibility can be measure by how many of their songs have become classics over the years. (Keep in mind, what qualifies as "classic" is totally at my discretion.)

The Backstreet Boys have "Quit Playing Games (With My Heart)", "As Long As You Love Me", "I Want It That Way", "Larger Than Life", "The One", "Shape of My Heart", "The Call", and "It's Gotta Be You". That's a total of 8 songs.

'N Sync has "I Want You Back", "Tearing Up My Heart", "(God Must Have Spent) A Little More Time on You", "Bye Bye Bye", "It's Gonna Be Me", and "Pop". That's only 6 songs, so this round goes to the Backstreet Boys.

Sales, numbers, and figures
Simply put, the Backstreet Boys are the best selling boy band of all time, having sold over 130 million records worldwide. 'N Sync ranks at number 8, selling less than half that. So obviously this round goes to the Backstreet Boys.

So who's the better boy band? The Backstreet Boys! It's no surprise that my personal favorite comes out on top. I do love me some Justin Timberlake (Britney break-up drama aside), but even his involvement with 'N Sync can't compete with the timelessness that is Backstreet Boys. That being said, I sure as hell don't condone their still being a band. So that can stop. K thanks!

This or That: Cinderella vs. Snow White

Who's the fairest of them all?

When it comes to Disney princesses, people seem to think of Snow White and Cinderella as the epitome of the term, which is weird, considering they're two of the shittiest princesses out there. But it got me thinking, what is it about these two that makes them the quintessential princesses? Even more important, WHAT IS IT THAT MAKES ONE BETTER THAN THE OTHER?! Once again, I'm here to answer that burning question with This or That!

Personality
A pre-1980s Disney princess having a personality is like the Black Eyed Peas having a good song. It simply does not happen. However, there are a few traces of characteristics in both Snow White and Cinderella. Snow White is stupid as shit. Pretty much everything scares her, from a friendly prince singing along to her melodies to a fucking tree. And she turns everything into a goddamn song. I don't think she has a word of spoken dialog in the entire film. Cinderella is a little more bearable, but is a major hypocrite. Right after singing about how fucking great dreams are in "A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes", she yells at her dog for dreaming about chasing Lucifer the cat. Still, she has the sense of humor to talk shit about her stepfamily behind their backs. Furthermore, Cinderella can't even hold onto her shit and Snow White can't even eat an apple without passing the fuck out. Both of these bitches ain't shit, but this round goes to Cinderella.

Physical appearance
Cinderella's got the classic blonde look going for her. And girlfriend knows how to work any outfit, from unflattering rags to a bitchin' ballgown and the glass slippers to boot. Meanwhile, Snow White just can't seem to find the outfit that compliments her black hair and pasty skin. And wtf is up with her dress? Doesn't she realize that there are more than just the primary colors? The round goes to Cinderella.

Friends
Cinderella's sidekicks include some talking mice, as well as some birds and a dog, who can't talk, for whatever reason. She also has an elderly Fairy Godmother, but what good is that bitch when her magic has an expiration date? It's Snow Whites seven little friends who steal the show. I'm all about Doc, Grumpy, Happy, Bashful, Sneezy, Sleepy, and Dopey, as we all should be. On top of that, Snow White also has an army of forest animals ready to do her chores for her. Love it! This round goes to Snow White.

Foes
I've already expressed my love for Cinderella's wicked stepmother and ugly stepsisters. Lady Tremaine, Anastasia, and Drizella are awesome because they're not actually evil, just rude and passive aggressive as fuck, which is one of my personal favorite pastimes. Meanwhile, the Evil Queen doesn't make a lick of sense to me. She may have a cool magic mirror, but she is so fucking pressed that Snow White is better looking than her that she turns herself into an ugly ass old hag. What this accomplishes, I'm not quite sure. And is killing Snow White really necessary? I know she's annoying and all, but Lady T and her daughters were just as jealous of Cinderella, but at least they knew there was a fine line between keepin' her fugly and killing her. This round goes to Cinderella!

The prince
Snow White's prince, simply known as "The Prince," is a fucking creep. He stalks Snow White and then basically rapes her when she's dead. And as if his kiss is magical enough to wake her up. Puh-leaze. On top of all that, he looks like a girl. Cinderella's Prince Charming, however, is sassy as fuck, as evidenced by his excessive yawning during the ball. Though Prince Phillip would smoke these two bastards in a second, it's clear that this round goes to Cinderella!

"Ain't nobody got time for that."

Even Snow White is too good for this.

Other factors

• Cinderella has a soft, endearing voice. Snow White sounds like Minnie Mouse on speed. Point for Cinderella!
• Snow White is portrayed by Cunt of the Week Ginnifer Goodwin in Once Upon a Time. Point for Cinderella!
• Snow White will always have the distinction of being the first Disney Princess. So, pity point for Snow White!

And there you have it. Snow White might have the better sidekicks, but there aren't enough dwarfs in the world to compensate for all her shortcomings. Meanwhile, Cinderella showed a bitch what's what, so I declare her the winner!

This or That: Taylor Swift vs. Carrie Underwood

Carrie be like, "Okay, bitch. Calm down."

For whatever reason, Carrie Underwood and Taylor Swift are constantly compared to one another by the media and the public. As far as I'm concerned, the two singers are worlds apart. Even Carrie herself is baffled by this bullshit. I'm sure you're all aware that I have a certain obsession with one of these artists and a certain disdain for the other; however, I'm willing to (try and) put aside all biases while I dissect these comparisons and declare a winner in Tommy Time's first ever This or That! (Because I love conflict and starting shit. It's a hobby.)

Musical styles
Both Taylor and Carrie consider themselves country artists, and while both dabble in other genres, only Carrie's music remains rooted in legit country music in terms of structure and lyrical content. Taylor, on the other hand, is primarily a pop artist who occasionally brings in some elements of country. I'll remind you of her recent hit, "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together" (as if you could ever forget its endless radio airplay). The song sounds exactly like any other pop song out there, and it should. It was co-written by Max Martin, who is best known for his work with Britney Spears, N Sync, Kelly Clarkson, and Katy Perry. Notice how there's not a single country artist on that list? The song even needed a country remix to play on country radio, which is just sad. Similarly, Taylor's "Red" experiments with autotune while "I Knew You Were Trouble" is littered with dubstep. Sorry, bitch, but that ain't country. This round goes to Carrie!

Talent
Anybody who would even dare insinuate that Taylor is a better vocalist than Carrie can go fuck themselves because they're obviously deaf and/or just plain stupid. Carrie's voice is the closest thing on this Earth to an angel singing. Taylor sounds like an 11-year-old with the flu. However, snaps for Taylor for writing all of her own songs. While Carrie has written some of her own biggest hits, she's never penned an entire album by herself like Taylor did with Speak Now. So one's the better vocalist, and other is the better, or at least more frequent songwriter. They each bring something to the table, so this round is a draw!

Sales, numbers, and figures
Carrie's singles perform better on country radio, but as a crossover artist, Taylor's singles outperform Carrie's across the board. Carrie's best selling album Some Hearts outsold Taylor's best selling effort Fearless. However, Taylor's overall album sales outpace Carrie's by almost 4 million. Similarly, Taylor's digital song sales dwarf Carrie's 2 to 1 while her tour sales outnumber Carrie's 3 to 1. Clearly, this round goes to Taylor!

Personal lives
In her 7 years of fame, Carrie has only been linked to 3 men, including Mike Fisher, her husband of almost 3 years. Taylor, on the other hand, has reportedly been linked to at least 13 individuals since 2009 and still maintains that she's sweet, innocent, pure, and most importantly, the victim. (Also, kudos to Carrie for landing Gossip Girl actor Chace Crawford. What a catch! Most of Taylor's boyfriends have been janky as fuck.) This round goes to Carrie!

There you have it. While Taylor might be the more popular artist (which is odd considering the public's disdain for her seems to have skyrocketed in the past year), Carrie is obviously way better. I knew from the start this argument was a waste of time, but hopefully Taylorphiles can learn a thing or two here. Until next time, stay pressed.