It's Getting Harder and Harder to Keep Up with the Kardashians

The Kardashian Kingdom

I miss the days when as long as you knew whether or not Kourtney and Scott were together, you were a Kardashian expert. I long for the episodes when going to Kim's house meant going to her chic townhouse, not a triple gated mansion in Beverly Hills. I'm nostalgic for the time when you didn't have to rely on TMZ, Perez Hilton, and other supplementary reading because the show covered just about everything you'd want to know.

Sadly, it's a different time for Kardashians, and by extension, their fans. They're one of the most famous and controversial families in the world, and they've been burned by the spotlight so many times that it seems like, for the first time since Kim's infamous sex tape leaked, they're playing it close to the vest.

In the words of Britney Spears, it's "another day, another drama" for the Kardashians. They're in the headlines every day, and it's not to see which sister wore it best. It's divorce, drugs, and other dirty deeds that even the most passionate fanatic can't possible keep up with. The current season of Keeping Up With the Kardashians is leaving us with more questions than answers, especially in regards to oft-alluded-to-but-never-explicitly-explained drama from when Bruce left his second wife for Kris. But now with this tabloid storm surrounding the family, we're even more in the dark than we realized.

First, there's Robert Kardashian's widow, who claims to have his journals, which reveal, among other things, that Kris Jenner physically abused her children and Khloé isn't his legitimate daughter. Obviously the notion that Kris is abusive is a little far fetched, and it's something the entire family has denied. But the theory that Khloé isn't a Kardashian by birth certainly doesn't fall on deaf ears. It's something even she's wondered on camera.

Speaking of Khloé, how shocking was it to hear about Lamar's drug problem? His addiction culminated in DUI charges in August and a reported trip to rehab. Besides cryptic tweets and a vague and likely scripted scene on the show, there aren't many clues as to how Khloé is dealing with her crippling marriage, although most signs point to divorce.

Aaaannd speaking of divorce, Kris and Bruce seem to be headed in that direction. After months of speculation, they announced their separation. Kris claims it amicable, but insiders say that's not the case. Kendall's reportedly on her father's side, but Kylie is Team Kardashian.

Then there's Kim, who's taking a backseat to the drama for the first time in her life. After giving birth to baby Nori (gag me), Kim and Kanye surprised us all by forgoing the expected tabloid baby pictures, for which they would have pocketed millions. In fact, Kanye is reportedly urging Kim to step away from the limelight permanently and settle down with him in Paris.

But I think the most important question of all is how is Rob?? Has he lost the weight? How's the sock line going? These are the questions that keep me up at night!

Cunt of the Week: Kris Humphries

Duh.

His ex-wife of 72 days may have just been crowned Bitch of the Week, but Kris Humphries' marital connections can't save him from his own cuntitude. So it's only appropriate that the Neanderthal is inducted as the Cunt of the Week.

We all remember the tragic split of Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush. Reggie was, like, the one. How could it end so abruptly? Maybe they fell out of love. Or maybe a relationship just didn't fit in with Kim's storyline for the season. No matter the reason, the relationship ended, and Kim followed it with brief romances with people like other athletes and her Australian bodyguard.

Meanwhile, Kris, or the Hump as Khloé called him, was playing basketball. (Does it matter for what team?) And in 2010, when he wasn't dragging his knuckles on the court, he was romancing the first lady of reality television. And then in 2011, Kris and Kim married. It was a lavish $10 million affair that was covered by a four-hour wedding special on E! (Keep that in mind as we move forward.)

From then on, Kris was featured heavily on the Kardashian's shows. Well, he was really only on Kourtney & Kim Take New York, because Kim filed for divorce almost immediately after filming, just 72 days after their wedding. But in that time, we saw his true colors:

• In the first episode, Kris leaves New York for Minnesota, because he's already overwhelmed by married life. True, that life included Kourtney, Scott, Mason, and an entire television career. But seriously, up and moving to a different state?
• In the fourth episode, Kris forces Scott to throw a boozy, female-filled party while Kim and Kourtney are out of town. And then he forces Scott to take the blame. Tsk tsk.
• In episode five, Kris pressures Kim's totally gay BFF to come out of the closet.
• In the sixth episode, Kris sneaks off to Toronto for a party while Kim is out of town.
• In the seventh episode, Khloé and Kourtney play pranks on Kris, and he gets incredibly pissed. Where's your sense of humor, sir?

True, the Kardashians basically kontrol the editing of their shows, so it's totally possible that Kim was made to look more sympathetic and Kris was villainized. But there's only so many ways you can manipulate the footage. You can't fabricate Kris' bad behavior, poor attitude, and disregard for his marriage. In his defense, he has tried to defend himself:

Chirp, chirp.

In actuality, Kris has since alleged that the entire marriage was a scam, a calculated plan to promote the Kardashian family brand. When Kim filed for divorce, he petitioned to reject her request, and instead insisted on an annulment on the grounds of fraud. He claimed that much of the show was fake in what became a very lengthy and very public trial.

I've already detailed my thoughts on some of Kris' allegations, but allow me to reiterate that nobody can make Kris look bad without his help. Not to mention, at any point during the television $10 million dollar wedding, didn't Kris come to the conclusion that it was all a hoax? Or did it really take him two months? Of course not. His claims were just his petty revenge against a woman who didn't want to stay married to him. And what's more, when Kim was pregnant, he still insisted on dragging her through the trial.

Well, it's clear who came out on top. Kim is still the reality queen and now has her own family. And Kris, well... Let's just say he should be thankful his marriage to Kim never got to the point where they would try for children. Given that he's several steps below the rest of us on the evolutionary ladder, it wouldn't have worked out.