Cunt of the Week: Taylor Swift, Giving Country a Bad Name

Bitch will take any award thrown her way,
even if it's Cunt of the Week.

Cunts come in all shapes, sizes, colors, and musical genres. Taylor Swift is this week's cunt. She's what some may call a country singer, but I like to call her either a glorified Miley Cyrus or a cheap Carrie Underwood knock-off; either one fits, just take your pick! Let's learn a little bit more about Taylor and the underlying reasons for her cuntitude will surely speak for themselves.

Like all true country artists, Taylor was born and raised in Pennsylvania. She spent her entire childhood bitching about how she didn't have a record deal. She also dealt with a shitload of heartbreak, probably because she's clingy and clueless as fuck. At some point, she started pussyfooting around in Nashville and was frustrated with how slowly success was coming her way. Sorry, Taylor. Excuse the record labels that didn't want to invest time, money, and energy into a frizzy-haired 13-year-old with an obnoxious whimper for a singing voice. Eventually, the stars aligned and she signed with Big Machine Records, a brand new independent label. She couldn't believe that they were willing to take such a gamble and sign her! Yeah, because it's so unimaginable that a no-name label without any other singers on its rosters would be desperate enough to sign you, you stupid bitch. Then Taylor became a huge international superstar, seemingly overnight, and made music that can most accurately be described as country by Radio Disney's standards.

Taylor has conjured up a musical persona that's incredibly annoying. She's a dainty little princess with the emotional maturity of a 15-year-old and a fragile heart that you can break just by looking at her. Most of her songs deal with mean boys or unrequited love. She likes to write songs about specific lovers and then call them out either directly in the lyrics (Drew, the poor bastard, in "Teardrops On My Guitar") or on national television (anyone famous with a penis). Because, you know, that's the mature thing to do. Most importantly, Taylor likes to remind everyone that she's the victim in every situation. Going off that, let's take a look at the slut's romantic history.

This crazy girlfriend meme was partially inspired by Taylor.

• In 2008, she dated a Jonas Brother. It doesn't matter which one, but it was Joe, for the sake of accuracy. Obviously shit is gonna go down when you're dating Joe Jonas, who was like the Justin Bieber of 2007-08. Well, Joe got real tired of Taylor's inability to be anything other than a cunt and broke up with her in what she claims was a 27-second phone call. (I say that's about 10 seconds too long!) Rather than swallow her pride and be the mature adult she purports to be, Taylor went on Ellen and called him out on it. That merciless cat-eyed bitch!
• The following year, Taylor dated Taylor Lautner. The duo met while filming Valentine's Day. (Yes, Tswift moonlights as an actress, which is an entirely different problem.) Anyone with half a brain could have said, "Hey, Taylor. How 'bout you not date someone with the same fucking name as you." But the little harlot was so obsessed with the cute nickname Tay Squared that she went for it anyway. Then she discovered she had to have a lot more in common with a man than a name, so the relationship fizzled out.
• Two shakes of a lamb's tail later, Taylor was suddenly dating John Mayer, 12 years her senior. This relationship illustrates how truly desperate and idiotic Taylor is. Not only is John fucking disgusting, but he also proved what an asshole he was in his relationships with Jessica Simpson, Jennifer Aniston, etc. Well, imagine nobody's surprise when this romance went up in flames. Poor little Taylor wrote a song called "Dear John" and confessed her heartache. "Don't you think I was too young messed with/The girl in the dress cried the whole way home," she sings. Boo hoo! I have some lyrics of my own, and they go like this: "You should've known better, bitch!" (Thank you.)
• The slutwagon in which Taylor travels brought her to the doorstep of Jake Gyllenhaal next. I got over this shit so fast I barely even acknowledge it happened at all. All I know is that this relationship inspired "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together", one of Taylor's worst song to date. Earth to Taylor, you delusional bitch: nobody wants to get back together with you. Like, ever.

Currently, Taylor is crashing weddings and annoying the fuck out the Kennedy family because she's convinced herself that she's dating RFK Jr.'s son, Conor. So anybody who submits to the belief that Taylor is America's sweetheart and a good role model, please review her fuck list and you'll see she's no better than a serial slut in cowboy boots!

Miss Swift is also biffles with Selena Gomez. One might ask, "Say, Taylor. Why don't you have any friends your own age?" That's probably because people Taylor's age don't like to pretend they're fighting dragons in castles. Even Selena is probably getting tired of that bullshit. Still, Taylor managed to squeeze her ass into the E! News special devoted to Selena. She recounted the hilarious adventures they've had together as great friends. If you missed it, it went something like this:

Selena and I went to a college football game. We just wanted to blend in because we're so famous and didn't want to pull focus from the game. But we were like, how do we fit in? Because neither of us go to college because college is for idiots and we're famous, so we had no idea how the plebeians behave in public. So we got all the college garb and wore it but we totally stood out. We didn't know people don't wear college paraphernalia from head to toe, lol! It was sooo awkward. I know this is a special about Selena, so sorry for taking up like 8 goddamn minutes about one insignificant anecdote that probably only happened in my head. Joe Jonas broke up with me in a 27-second phone call. Also, I'm from Pennsylvania, so southern shit is really near and dear to my heart.

It's fuckery like this that makes me think Kanye West had the right idea. #AmIRight? Currently, Taylor is prepping for the release of her fourth album, Red. In an effort to prove what a true country singer she is, she's incorporated autotune and dubstep into the album. I shit you not. It's there. And when you hear it, you know you'll be thinking, What a cunt!