Review: The Bling Ring

Calabitchin'.

Without a doubt, The Bling Ring was my personally most anticipated film of 2013, but it really shouldn't have been. It's directed by Sofia Coppola, whose cinematic creativity fails (Marie Antoinette) as often as it succeeds (Lost in Translation). Emma Watson is its star (or at least appeared to be at one point; more on that later), and I'm not particularly fond of her. And as the film's release drew near, it became alarmingly evident that this might not be a fictional retelling of the celebrity burglaries so much as an attempt at social satire, a la Spring Breakers, which we all know was some real horse shit. Despite all of this, I still looked forward to it and saw it opening night upon its June 21 wide release. But even two days later, I'm still unsure of what to make of the film.

If you followed the real-life Bling Ring in the news back in 2010 like I did, then you already know that the film focuses on a group of Calabasas teenagers that burglarized the homes of some of Hollywood's biggest stars with incredible ease and, for nearly a year, no consequence. The film primarily follows Marc (Israel Broussard), a shy and insecure teenager who befriends Rebecca (Katie Chang), his fashion-forward classmate, at Indian Hills High, an alternative school for troubled kids. Together, they rob cars and friends' homes, but they soon set their sights on more ambitious targets: stars like Orlando Bloom, Lindsay Lohan, and Paris Hilton, whose house they burgle more than once. Their only tool is the internet, which tells them the celebrity's addresses and whereabouts. Eventually their circle expands to include several of their fame-hungry friends, including Nicki (Emma Watson), a fictionalized version of reality star and Cunt of the Week Alexis Neiers.

Most of the film is a continuous loop of robbing and partying, robbing and partying, robbing and partying. It would be incredibly repetitive, but that is in fact how these kids spent their time, and much of the monotony is broken up by shots like the one in which we see Audrina Patridge's full house and watch from a distance as Rebecca and Marc snoop from room to room. Scenes like this are unforgiving portrayals of the utter invasion of privacy, painting the characters as the criminals they are.

Simultaneously basic and pressed.

But it's not as if Coppola attempts to make her "protagonists" likable or really even human. They're simply symbols of the hunger for fame and fortune. As such, nothing is really required by the actors, but their hollow performances are still intriguing. Only Watson, however, manages to add depth to lines like "Your butt looks awesome." But perhaps that's because she has an unfair advantage; a good portion of her dialog is lifted from direct quotes of Neiers' from interviews or her reality show. (If you watched Pretty Wild, you'll love how its most ridiculous scenes are re-enacted in the film; but no, that unfortunately does not include the infamous Nancy Jo phone call.)

The main point of the film, however, is that it is a satire. Just as Spring Breakers poked fun at teenage superficiality and the spring break mentality, The Bling Ring satirizes our culture's obsession with celebrities and social media (after all, the bandits get through Facebook). But the film barely makes this point, forgoing commentary on the vapid materialism in favor of faithfully telling the story as it actually happens. Because The Bling Ring can't decide if it's a satire or a biopic, it mostly comes off as a move about bored, airheaded teens misbehaving.

That said, the film has a much more sound narrative structure than Spring Breakers, and it's arguably the darker film. You leave the theater feeling guilty, because all of us are guilty of the same fascination with fame and wealth, maybe not enough to steal, but certainly to a lesser degree. Because this message doesn't quite land, only those familiar with the real Bling Ring, or interested in their story, should see the movie. Otherwise, don't give it a second thought.

Tommy Picks 20 Things to Get Over for 2013

The epitome of what to get over for 2013. And yes, this
picture is recent.

With the new year rapidly approaching and everybody deluding themselves into thinking they'll actually make some kind of major change to their lives, I think it's time to establish what we all need to just be over by the time 2013 is here. I've compiled a list of such things.

1.  Gangnam Style. Not sure why this was ever a thing, but let's just chalk it up to one of the several mistakes humanity blindly committed in 2012.
2. Taylor Swift. And whoever she's dating.
3. Yolo. If I hear it again, your one life won't last for much longer.
4. Your ex. Holy shit, I don't want to hear it anymore.
5. The world ending. I'm not putting up with this "Oh, now the world is gonna end in 2015" bullshit! The world didn't end. We're all still here. Hooray. Now shut the fuck up already!
6. Fifty Shades of Grey. Totally over it. Was never into it.
7. Rihanna. She'll likely release 3 new albums and countless singles this next year. Let's not give her any more #1s, okay? Similarly, she and Chris Brown will probably break-up and make-up 14 times. Let's not care, okay?
8. Pinterest. Face it, you're not as healthy, skinny, active, interesting, fashionable, funny, or unique as you think you are.
9. Vampires. With the Twilight saga finally behind us, let's finally abolish vampires from pop culture and end this morbid and nonsensical obsession with bloodsuckers once and for all. (Note: This does not apply to True Blood. That will forever be the only exception.)
10. Lindsay Lohan. Personal note to Lilo: Let's try not to get arrested this year.
11. "Call Me Maybe". It's not funny anymore.
12. Emma Watson. What the fuck, you guys. She's not that great.
13. Channing Tatum. For the same reasons as #12.
14. Honey Boo Boo. Remember when reality television was dominated by the Kardashians and a band of pregnant teenagers (sometimes, it was hard to tell the difference between the two.) Let's bring that back!
15. Miley Cyrus' hair. She's just being Miley!
16. Celebrity sex tapes. Unless this is one featuring Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively, no one cares.
17. "Jennifer Aniston's pregnant with Brad's triplets! Shocking details of the affair and her marriage to Justin to cover it up! Plus, what Courteney Cox has to say about it!" No.
18. Obama's nationality.
19. Singing competition shows. Unless Britney is a judge.
20. The Royal Family.

So there you have it. This year, don't make your New Year's resolution some diet or personal growth you can't possibly achieve; rather, vow to get over everything on this list. Then maybe, just maybe, there will peace on Earth at last.