Tommy Picks the Best Songs by Former Cunts of the Week

Cunts as far as the eye can see.

While it would take an act of God for a Cunt of the Week to lose his or her title, I do recognize that it's a dubious term. Public figures (or those in your own lives!) can be such cunts but also contribute something amazing to society. And ain't that just life? Well, it's certainly not shocking that almost half of the former Cunts of the Week are from the music industry. (They can't all be Britneys, after all.) To prove the point I stated earlier, I am going to select the best jams by these musical cunts, because who am I to deny that Lady Gaga has a catchy song or two? Let's go!

Rihanna (Officially knighted cunted on September 26, 2012)

• "What's My Name?" ... I'm not sure what it is about this song, but I love it. I think it may have something to do with the fact that it was released back when my intense hatred for RiRi was a subdued intolerance. I also have a soft spot for Drake. And even though the repetitive lyrics of "Oh na na, what's my name?" get irritating (YOU'RE NAME IS FUCKING RIHANNA), this song is a jam.
• "Te Amo" ... After the whole Chris Brown beat down, Rihanna released some pretty dark tunes, including this one, in which she's the object of another woman's affections. It's a fun song with a pretty interesting message. (You might not be able to discern what that message is, however; Rihanna's Barbadian accent is on full blast here.)
• "S&M" ... It may be controversial, with an MTV-banned music video to boot, but this song is a pure and utter jam. The true party, however, started when Britney laid down some Rugrat-style vocals for the remix.

Taylor Swift (Cunted on October 10, 2012)

•  "Begin Again" ... God only knows which one of Taylor's fucks this song is about, but whoever it is, kudos to him for inspiring something good out of her for a change! The song is catchy and well-written. Best of all, it's about thinking love is a crock and then realizing that's not true once the next guy comes around; this is quite possibly her most autobiographical song to date.
• "Enchanted" ... In 2010, Taylor thought she could get away with releasing songs that clocked in around 6-7 minutes. Um, no. But one good jam came out of that batch of overinflated songs, and that's "Enchanted", which manages to both embody everything that's annoying about Tswift and somehow make it all less annoying.
• "Eyes Open" ... Why Taylor was the only artist on The Hunger Games soundtrack to get TWO songs, I'm not sure, but at least one of those songs is good, and that's this one!

Christina Aguilera (Cunted on November 28, 2012)

• "Woohoo" ... Any song that uses thin censorship while referring to genitalia instantly captures my attention. Just try and listen to this song without the lyrics "Licky licky, yum yum, what a great guy/K-kiss on my woohoo!/All over my woohoo!" getting stuck in your head! And when Nicki Minaj comes in with that rap! Ooh child!
• "Reflection" ... While Britney totally came out on top of her alleged feud with Xtina, both have a good number of 90s jams in their catalogs. The pinnacle of Christina's early career off of the Mulan soundtrack, and thereafter inspired many a school talent show performance.
• "Your Body" ... As a former Jam of the Week, this doesn't need an explanation.

Aly & AJ (Cunted on January 16, 2013)

• "Potential Break-Up Song" ... Their album needs just one, after all. While recording this jam, Aly & AJ must have finally realized that they weren't serious musicians and had a contract with fucking Disney Channel, because they abandoned their angsty acoustic crap for some autotuned dance floor BLISS. 
• "Rush" ... A lamer predecessor to Katy Perry's "Firework", "Rush" is all about not letting the haters get you down... And possibly a drug-induced rush. I'll leave it open for interpretation.
• "On the Ride" ... When I was younger, I honestly thought this was the best song on the planet. I'm pretty sure the thought, "Maybe this will win a Grammy," went through my head. My God. Thankfully that didn't happen. But it's still a fun song!

Justin Bieber (Cunted on February 6, 2013)

• "As Long As You Love Me" ... Although I was initially disappointed that this wasn't a Backstreet Boys cover, I grew to love this song. It's the first one that made me realize that maybe the Biebs had something worthwhile to listen to.
• "Beauty and a Beat" ... A former Jam of the Week with the poetic beauty of a wiener/Selena rhyme that more than explains why it's on this list.  #RIPJelena #AreTheyBackTogether? #LostAllTrack
•  "Overboard" ... So I'm not exactly sure what purpose this song serves, as a studio version has never been released, and we must make do with a live recording. But the fact that this a DUET WITH MILEY CYRUS makes it worth copious amounts of listens.

Beyoncé (Cunted on February 13, 2013)

•  "Irreplaceable" ... Who doesn't love this song? To the left, to the left. Mm, you tell him, girl! I'm not sure why she ever went on to record a Spanish version of the song, but the fact that she did just cements its universal popularity.
• "Halo" ... While Bey is far from an angel, this song is sweet and catchy. And remember when Glee mashed it up with "Walking on Sunshine"? Genius!
• "Check On It" ... Anybody who saw The Pink Panther knows what's up here. This was one of the first songs I ever put on my iPod, so it holds sentimental and nostalgic value for me.

Chris Brown (Cunted on March 27, 2013)

• "With You" ... Before he was a woman-beater who went on Twitter rants, assaulted the paparazzi, and threw television sets out of windows, Chris Brown was adorable and sweet, and "Forever" proves it. (And cue teenage girls who say things like "chris brown is so hawt i'd let him beat on me"... now.)
• "Look at Me Now" ... This song was shocking when it first came out. Chris Brown raps? Well, he does it well, or at least fast, here and I find it all very exciting!
• "Forever"... Vintage Breezy is the best, as far as he's concerned at least. I like to listen to this song while chewing Doublemint gum.

Lady Gaga (Cunted on April 17, 2013)

•  "The Edge of Glory" ... When Lady Gagme isn't trying to shove a rainbow flag down my throat whilst sporting an unflattering dress made of Kermit the Frog dolls, I can sort of see why people like her. "The Edge of Glory" is a fun and, dare I say, epic jam.
• "Paparazzi" ... The only thing better than this song is its music video, which features Alexander Skarsgard mmm.
• "Dance in the Dark" ... Always the champion for the underdog, Lady Gaga sings about self-conscious girls who like to have sex with the lights off. It's an interesting topic, one that I'm glad she explored, because the result was an irresistable jam.

The Pussycat Dolls (Cunted on May 8, 2013)

• "Jai Ho! (You Are My Destinty)" ... I've never seen Slumdog Millionaire, but I know that this song is originally from the film. Nevertheless, the Pussycat Dolls' version is so flawless that I'm sure it's better than the movie's.
• "I Hate This Part" ... One of my favorite musical themes is one in which the singer can sense the end of a relationship coming and go into denial. That's exactly what happens in this song and it's fucking genius. Stay pressed that this isn't your song.
• "Don't Cha" ... Who would I even be if I didn't include this song? It put the girl group on the map and has one of the most irresistible hooks of the 21st century: "Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me/Don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me." Classic.

And there you have it: proof that even the worst of cunts *coughcough*Rihanna*cough* can produce some thrilling songs. So don't be surprised if you see some of these singers' work as a Jam of the Week in the future!

Cunt of the Week: Chris Brown

Stings, don't it?

It was only a matter of time before Chris Brown received the title of Cunt of the Week. With Rihanna being the first recipient and Justin Bieber recently opening up the award to all genders, Chris just seemed like the next logical choice. Of course, I hardly have to tell you what's so cunty about him. But where's the fun in holding back?

Chris Brown didn't start off so bad. In fact, he was pretty clean cut when he first hit (too soon?) the scene. He signed with Jive Records in 2005, a decision he made based on the label's success with artists like Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake. Clearly, Chris possessed what we in the biz call common sense. If you're able to recognize Britney has the ideal everything career, you might just deserve to follow in her footsteps.

Chris was making great progress with his career, releasing jams such as "Gimme That" and "Kiss Kiss", scoring the occasional acting gig, and maintaining a squeaky clean rep. Hell, he was like Usher and vintage Michael Jackson rolled into one. He was great. He was on top. Nothing could stop him!

But then...

On February 8, 2009, Chris beat the shit out of Rihanna. Like real bad. Overnight, Chris became Public Enemy #1. (Rihanna maybe should have become some sort of martyr, but nobody seemed to care too much about her.) His reputation was ruined and his career was ruined. I, like most of us, could do nothing but ask HOW. How could this baby-faced singer sing something so sentimental as "With You" and then also be a woman-beater?

But before anybody could really assess the sitch, Chris did some immediate damage control. He made a few heavily scripted and severely unconvincing video messages to the public and broke down while performing a cover of "Man in the Mirror". It was all pretty transparent, but at least he was trying. It was all probably for the best, except for when he compared himself and RiRi to Romeo and Juliet, because that's fucking disgusting to say, even for a non-violent person. Most disturbing, however, was the slew of teenage girls who said shit like:

Chris Brown is sooo hawt! I'd let him hit me!

That actually happened. Like, there was a news story on it. And if those are the kinds of fans you have, you bet your ass you're a cunt.

Now, if this was a one-time mistake for Chris, I supposed that he maybe wouldn't have gotten Cunt of the Week. After all, he's not the first celebrity to make a mistake, and if Rihanna can forgive him, beaver first, why can't the rest of us? But the thing is, Chris kept cunting it up. Let's see how...

• He and Rihanna are currently together again. It's fucking stupid on both their parts, but why Chris was able to tolerate her in the first place, I'll never know.
• He goes on endless Twitter rants and public tirades, throwing around racist and homophobic slurs like they're going out of style.
• In March 2011, he threw a TV out of his dressing room window after filming an interview for Good Morning America.
• That same month, nude pictures of him hit the internet. Shit, even Rihanna has yet to be that classless.
• Also that month, he bleached his hair and looked like a total douche. March 2011 was a big month for Chris.
• In June 2012, he got into an altercation with Drake at a New York bar.
• In September 2012, he got a neck tattoo that looks suspiciously like a bruised Rihanna post-smackdown.
• In February 2013, he allegedly assaulted Frank Ocean.

It's clear that Chris Brown is nowhere near finding his path to recovery. Sure, he's still successful, but he's arguably the most hated man in America and has done little to fix his reputation. Maybe if we stopped buying his music, he'd realize he had to clean up his act. Until then, however, I hope that the next time you hear him on the radio, you think to yourself, What a cunt!

P.S. Let this be a lesson to us all. If you hate a bitch, blog about it. Don't hit her!

A Few Thoughts on the Oscars

Doin' it with class.

There's no way you don't know that the Oscars were last night. Even if you weren't aware of the ceremony itself, you sure as hell know it by another name, such as "OMG ADELE IS AMAZING! LOVE HER!" or "lol Jennifer fell! Aww she is so genuine!" But you haven't heard about the Oscars until you've heard my opinion on the grand affair. So let's jump right into it, shall we?

Snaps for Seth
Seth MacFarlane was an awesome host. Why the creator of some of TV's trashiest shows was asked to host the most prestigious award show in the industry, I'm not sure, but I was genuinely impressed with him. He wasn't roll-on-the-floor funny, and despite people's constant bitching, I think his jokes were tamer than they should could have been. Was I the only one who enjoyed the boob song? And he was looking pretty sharp in that tux of his. And that VOICE! From the creator of Family Guy?! Who knew!

It's about time someone called out Kate Winslet.

Kristen Stewart Crawls Out from Beneath Her Bridge
UMMMM. Who the hell invited Kristen Stewart? Better yet, why was Bella Swan presenting an award with Harry Potter? The second I saw KStew hobble on stage with her bedhead, I hoped people would start booing her. Remember when she was the most hated woman in America because she was a homewrecking whore? I guess now she's forgiven and can roll into the Oscars like its a casual Tuesday night trip to Walmart.

Innumerable tributes to Chicago
I realize that the theme of the Oscars was Music in Film, but I was pretty much done with the tributes to Chicago by number two. Yeah, yeah, it's a great film and one of the best musicals ever blah blah blah. Aren't there other musicals from years past to showcase? Better yet, shouldn't they focus on the music in this year's films?

Speaking of Chicago...

Nicole Kidman called. She wants her face back.

Get out of here, Renée Zellweger! You're drunk!
Seriously, this bitch was on horse tranquilizers. What the fuck was wrong with her? Not only did she look like a melted Sour Pouch Kid, but she could barely stand up straight and refused to read the winners. TWICE. Holy fuck.

Brave as Best Animated Film
Alright. Guess the Academy has decided to start recognizing utter shit as fine cinema. Whatever. 

The crack about the Kardashians
No.

The crack about Rihanna and Chris Brown
Yes.

Robert Downey, Jr. liked it.

Quentin Tarantino Thanks Himself
Not unlike Kristen Stewart, Quentin Tarantino looked like he came to the event hungover from his bachelor party. He then proceeded to basically only thank himself during his acceptance speech for Best Original Screenplay. (Special shout out to Jamie Foxx's facial expression while Tarantino basically shat on him and the other Django Unchained actors.) I'm not sure if I really hated the speech or really loved it. TBD that shit.

Jennifer Takes a Tumble
Mmhmm! That's what I'm talking about. JLaw continued being her awesome self by falling down on her way to accept her Oscar. But the best was yet to come. Her interviews with the press afterwards are gems. Watch them if you haven't.

Forever immortalized.

Anne Hathaway Continues to Annoy the Living Shit Out of Me
"It came true," Anne Hathaway said wistfully before thanking a laundry list of people while she accepted the award for Best Supporting Actress. From that moment on, I knew my hatred for her would grow by at least 50% by the end of her speech. And it did. When she started talking about the plights of her fictional character and relating it to the real world, I was done.

Adele Underwhelms But Makes Up for It
Eh. I mean, yeah her voice is amazing. And she's a vocalist, not a performer. But she looked bored up there on stage. I'm not asking her do full-blown choreography or anything, but she could have at least looked like she was having fun. But when she won her Oscar and was really adorable during her speech, or lack thereof, she was forgiven.

Hugh Jackman
Always right.

Little Girl from Beasts of the Southern Wild
Quvenzhané Wallis, it was cute the first time you cheered for yourself. But the second time? #overit

She dgafs about my opinion. And that's fine.

Michelle? Girl, whatchu doin?
Like most, I was really confused when Michelle Obama basically took over the Oscars at the end. She's awesome, for sure. But, like... why? Am I right?

Kristen Chenoweth 
It should be a golden rule that you cannot, CANNOT, have an awards show without Kristen Chenoweth. I loved her and Seth's musical number at the end as they tried to lift the spirits of the losers. But the whole time I was thinking about how that was rehearsed... So they must have known who won (or, who didn't win) before the show took place, right?

And there you have it. The best and the worst of the Oscars. If there's anything we can take from this, it's that Seth MacFarlane should host again next year, Anne Hathaway should retire, and Renée Zellweger should be in rehab.

Jam of the Week: "Nobody's Business" by Rihanna and Chris Brown

It's fucking February y'all. Love is in the air and Valentine's Day is around the corner. In celebration of this festival of affection, I'm letting the most stable and inspirational celebrity couple I know to provide us with the Jam of the Week. Put your hands together for Rihanna and Chris Brown.

In all seriousness, errybody knows I hate these two jackasses. But I have a pop culture addiction, and when two very controversial singers with a turbulent and violent relationship release a duet, I take notice. "Nobody's Business" is all about how their love ain't nobody's business. It's pretty powerful stuff with a great message: if you wanna get back together with the man who beat you to a pulp, threw a TV out of his dressing room window, and flies through the entire bipolar mood spectrum faster than Taylor Swift changes boyfriends, then SCREW THE HATERS. You just do what's right for you, okay?

Tommy Picks 20 Things to Get Over for 2013

The epitome of what to get over for 2013. And yes, this
picture is recent.

With the new year rapidly approaching and everybody deluding themselves into thinking they'll actually make some kind of major change to their lives, I think it's time to establish what we all need to just be over by the time 2013 is here. I've compiled a list of such things.

1.  Gangnam Style. Not sure why this was ever a thing, but let's just chalk it up to one of the several mistakes humanity blindly committed in 2012.
2. Taylor Swift. And whoever she's dating.
3. Yolo. If I hear it again, your one life won't last for much longer.
4. Your ex. Holy shit, I don't want to hear it anymore.
5. The world ending. I'm not putting up with this "Oh, now the world is gonna end in 2015" bullshit! The world didn't end. We're all still here. Hooray. Now shut the fuck up already!
6. Fifty Shades of Grey. Totally over it. Was never into it.
7. Rihanna. She'll likely release 3 new albums and countless singles this next year. Let's not give her any more #1s, okay? Similarly, she and Chris Brown will probably break-up and make-up 14 times. Let's not care, okay?
8. Pinterest. Face it, you're not as healthy, skinny, active, interesting, fashionable, funny, or unique as you think you are.
9. Vampires. With the Twilight saga finally behind us, let's finally abolish vampires from pop culture and end this morbid and nonsensical obsession with bloodsuckers once and for all. (Note: This does not apply to True Blood. That will forever be the only exception.)
10. Lindsay Lohan. Personal note to Lilo: Let's try not to get arrested this year.
11. "Call Me Maybe". It's not funny anymore.
12. Emma Watson. What the fuck, you guys. She's not that great.
13. Channing Tatum. For the same reasons as #12.
14. Honey Boo Boo. Remember when reality television was dominated by the Kardashians and a band of pregnant teenagers (sometimes, it was hard to tell the difference between the two.) Let's bring that back!
15. Miley Cyrus' hair. She's just being Miley!
16. Celebrity sex tapes. Unless this is one featuring Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively, no one cares.
17. "Jennifer Aniston's pregnant with Brad's triplets! Shocking details of the affair and her marriage to Justin to cover it up! Plus, what Courteney Cox has to say about it!" No.
18. Obama's nationality.
19. Singing competition shows. Unless Britney is a judge.
20. The Royal Family.

So there you have it. This year, don't make your New Year's resolution some diet or personal growth you can't possibly achieve; rather, vow to get over everything on this list. Then maybe, just maybe, there will peace on Earth at last.

Cunt of the Week: Rihanna, the Ultra-Cunt

Ugh. This bitch.

It has always been a goal of mine to make "cunt" a more socially acceptable word. My reasoning is that sometimes people can be such cunts, that there's really no other word to describe them. To aid me in this journey toward a society with more relaxed linguistics, I'll be condemning a new cunt each week. Without further ado, let's go to our first Cunt of the Week.

Who is more of a cunt that Rihanna? In case you live under a rock, Rihanna is a singer that Barbados got sick of and sent over to America as a practical joke. Since then, she's been known for pulling shitty album after shitty album out of her ass left and right and for being just an all-around cunt.

Why, you may ask, is Rihanna such a cunt? I'll tell you. Let's start with her so-called talent. A brilliant professor I once had described Rihanna's vocals so eloquently that I was completely blown away by her brevity, beauty, and accuracy. "Rihanna," my professor said. "The young woman who sounds like a dying mongoose." Preach! If Rihanna has any vocal ability, she's sure good at hiding it. Just take some nasally gawks, slap them against a flavor-of-the-month beat, and BAM! You got yourself a Rihanna song.

There's also the fact that she writes close to nothing. But come on guys, are you really surprised? She's far too busy smoking weed and ruining Jay-Z songs to actually write her own music. Lyrics such as "Where have you been/All my life, all my life/Where have you been, all my life/Where have you been, all my life/Where have you been, all my life/Where have you been, all my life" are so intricate and thought-provoking that they must have taken months to write, and that's time that Rihanna just does not have.

My next point begs the question: When's the last time you turned on the radio and didn't hear a Rihanna song? I know that I personally couldn't get through a single day last year without being audibly assaulted by "We Found Love". (Where exactly did she find love again? It's still not clear.) That's simply because Rihanna does not understand the importance of taking the time to hone her craft. Once her current single starts dipping in radio airplay, she releases her next single. Once her album is bled dry of singles, she records her next album. Her seventh album is currently slated for a November 2012 release; it will be her fourth album in three years.

I didn't always hate Rihanna. In fact, it wasn't until after the whole Chris Brown incident that I realized how fucking annoying she is. Now I'm not defending Chris, nor am I advocating violence of any kind, but I gotta admit, thinking about Rihanna has made my fist curl once or twice. Anyway, after the showdown, Chris went on to release some great jams while his life and anger management skills continued to circle the drain. Totally acceptable.

Meanwhile, Rihanna just turned into a massive cunt. Her music became "edgy" and "dark" and she changed her hair color more times than Taylor Swift changes boyfriends. Then for whatever reason, she reconciled with Chris and started recording duets with him like there was no tomorrow. And then, this summer, she had the audacity to proclaim her love for Chris in an interview with Oprah. If you haven't seen it, don't bother. It went something like this:

Opraaah, I just lav heem, Opraaah. He's da lav of my life, Opraaah.

Aside from her music and poor life decisions, Rihanna is a cunt for many other reasons. She's rather thuggish in nature, constantly picking Twitter fights and whatnot, and she seems totally oblivious to how much she sucks. Not only is she delusional enough to consider herself the Black Madonna, but she actually thinks her music is meaningful!

Nobody wearing that hooded sweater shitshow can be taken seriously.

Rihanna's songs leave me in tears, too. Sometimes the pain from blood pouring out my ears is just too much.

Full disclosure: While my hatred for Rihanna is as true as the day is long, I do own 23 of her songs (not counting her various duets with Jay-Z, Drake, Maroon 5, Coldplay, etc.). That's more than I would like to admit, but at the same time, it has become nearly impossible to function in today's world without a working knowledge of Rihanna's music.

However, I hope you are now enlightened enough to see what a shitty person and "artist" Rihanna is, if you hadn't yet reached that conclusion on your own. The next time she poisons the airwaves with her cat screetching, I know we'll all collectively be thinking, "Oh, Rihanna! What a cunt."