Tommy Picks 20 Things to Look Forward to in 2014

Happy New Year, everyone! As we herald in 2014, and hopefully get over everything that was wrong with last year, it's important that we embrace what lies ahead. After all, there's so much to look forward to in 2014, like...

1. Orange Is the New Black. Was last season's cliffhanger juicy or what?
2. Carrie Underwood's fifth album. There's no confirmation of a 2014 release, but the Queen of Country has said that her post-Sound of Music days will be devoted to working on new material.
3. The Hunger Games: Mocking Jay - Part I. Hopefully it continues the pattern and is even better than Catching Fire.
4. Possible reunions. The possibilities are endless and the rumors are rampant. I'd love to see fabulous reunions for Mean Girls, Desperate Housewives, Beverly Hills, 90210, and, of course, Friends.
5. Lea Michele's debut album.
6. Lana Del Rey's third album, UltraViolence.
7. Maleficent. It may star a former Cunt of the Week, and the trailer may have been disappointing, but everybody loves a Disney fairytale turned on its side!
8. Second rate Disney stars' return to music. 2013 was the year of Miley, Selena, and Demi. If rumors and vague statements are to be believed, 2014 may be the year of Ashley Tisdale and Hilary Duff.
9. Britney: Piece of Me. Vegas, here I come!
10. Noah. Even though I'm not really into Biblical stuff.
11. Darren Criss' debut album.
12. Girls. And Looking, which is touted as the Girls for gays.
13. The Amazing Spider-Man 2. Superhero films may bore me, but the first film in the Spider-Man reboot series was good enough to leave me wanting more. Plus I love me some Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone!
14. Pretty Little Liars. Now that we now EzrA's little secret, things are about to heat up!
15. The Muppets Most Wanted.
16. Seeing if the Superbowl is rescheduled because of snow.
17. Serena. This mysterious Depression-era film, which once again pairs Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence, has been quietly shelved many times, but will finally see its release this April. That doesn't bode well for its quality, but I'm still intrigued.
18. The inevitable break-up of One Direction's Zayn Malik and his fiancée Perrie Edwards. I will NOT let them get married.
19. Big Hero 6. It will be interesting to see how Disney animation handles superheroes.
20. Most importantly, all'a dis.

Tommy Picks the Best Albums of 2013

As we barrel into 2014, it's important to look back on the previous year before we close the book on 2013 forever. In the last twelve months, we've gotten some tantalizing music (#jamsfordays) and I took the time to rank the 10 Best Albums of 2013. Avid Tommy Time readers shouldn't be surprised by the rankings at all.

Click through the slideshow to see if your favorite made the cut!

Things Tommy Loves and Hates #10

I'd put a picture of the actual Bonnie & Clyde, but they frighten me.

Thing I Love #10: Bonnie & Clyde-Themed Songs

Bonnie and Clyde may have been terrible people (and awful bank robbers, as it turns out), but there's no denying that their legacy is purely fascinating. Countless fictional portrayals aside, I love when songs reference the dynamic duo. We all know Jay-Z and Beyoncé's "03 Bonnie & Clyde", but what about more subtle allusions, like Britney's "Criminal"? Mama, I'm in love with a criminal...

Thing I Hate #10: Loud Eaters

I'm sorry, are you chewing gum or firing a machine gun? Is that a cookie you're eating or a block of fucking cement? Ladies and gentlemen, close your damn mouths and minimize the amount I have to hear you satiate your appetite, because it really makes me lose mine.  

Cunt of the Week: Lorde and Her Big Ass Mouth

Demonic cunt.

If you've been living under a rock for the past few months, you may not know who Lorde is. But chances are, you're overly familiar with her dull-as-dirt song "Royals", which is about being poor. While I admit the song was catchy at first, I quickly got over it.

Not only that, but this 17-year-old, bug-eyed New Zealander has a big mouth on her, and every time it opens, it spews out countless displays of cuntitude. She's too young to realize that she's making the same mistakes Christina Aguilera did early in her career: trash-talking her way straight into in irrelevance. Let's examine some of these moments, shall we?

Lorde's "Royals" was the song of the summer. But so was Selena Gomez's "Come & Get It". So what did Lorde have to say about her peer?

I'm a feminist and the theme of her song is, 'When you're ready, come and get it from me.' I'm sick of being of women being portrayed this way.

Thankfully, Selena responded and said that a feminist shouldn't be tearing down other women. But Lorde didn't stop there. She slammed Selena, as well as artists like Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift, once again by saying she was better than them because she didn't grow up in the industry.

The difference between those kids and me is I grew up completely normal and went to parties and had that experience. I am way less inclined to be like, "Look! I'm fucking mental!"

Omigod, you went to parties in high school? Gosh, how you've lived! She's also better than anyone who wins a singing competition reality show.

I’m glad I was allowed to develop and work on my talent, unlike many singers today who think the answer is starring on a reality or talent show. Shows like The X Factor or The Voice breed this idea that you get what you want the chancey way rather than by hard work.

Even Justin Bieber wasn't safe from her wrath.

The 'young people.' I feel like the influences that are there in the industry for people my age, like Justin Bieber or whatever, are just maybe not a very real depiction of what it's like to be a young person.

There's no arguing that Lorde borrows a lot from Lana Del Rey. Lorde is playing by the sonic rules that Lana invented. But Lorde takes issue with the superficiality of Lana's lyrics, which focus largely around lavish lifestyle.

All those references to expensive alcohol, beautiful clothes and beautiful cars – I was thinking, ‘This is so opulent, but it’s also bullshit.’

Lorde is so much deeper than that because she doesn't sing about that lifestyle. She sings about wanting it! And here's her throwing some more shade Lana's way.

I was just thinking it's so unhealthy for girls to be listening to, you know, 'I'm nothing without you.' This sort of shirt-tugging, desperate, 'don't leave me' stuff. That's not a good thing for young girls, even young people, to be listening to.

And some more...

Around the middle of last year I started listening to a lot of rap, like Nicki Minaj and Drake, as well as pop singers like Lana Del Rey. They all sing about such opulence, stuff that just didn't relate to me — or anyone that I knew. I began thinking, 'How are we listening to this? It's completely irrelevant. 

David Guetta is one of the most successful and respected producers in the industry. Some of the biggest names in music have worked with him, and he's also catapulted underrated singers into superstardom. But would Lorde ever work with him?

No! Fuck no! He's so gross.

There's also the time Lorde tried to discuss unrealistic expectations of female beauty in the media, but really just ended up likening herself to the "flawlessness" of Taylor Swift.

Taylor Swift is so flawless and so unattainable, and I don't think it's breeding anything good into young girls [who might think] 'I'm never going to be like Taylor Swift, why can't I be as pretty as Lorde?' That's fucking bullshit.

As if all of this isn't bad enough, Lorde crossed a major fucking line when she said:

I’ll never go off the rails like Britney, or do an Amy, because my upbringing was so normal. I can’t touch alcohol at my age and I’m not sure I even want to when I’m older. Six months ago, no one knew who I was and now fans chase my car. But I’m never going to change or let fame get the better of me.

Famous last words, bitch.

It's amazing how Lorde's cuntitude speaks for herself. And while she may make some interesting points, and while she's entitled to her opinions, there's nothing cute about a bratty teenager running her mouth as if it were in the name of feminism. When you have the #1 song in the country, you don't need to tear everybody else down to stay on top. It's cheap and the easiest way to shoot yourself in foot. What a cunt! Can't wait to see her fall.

Britney Jean is Triumphant

Since announcing her eighth album, Britney Spears has promised that it would be her most personal one yet. With this reputation preceding it, one would expect Britney Jean to delve intimately into her public meltdown or divulge juicy details behind her split from Jason Trawick earlier this year, but that's not the case. The album is not an autobiography; instead, it's a musical experimentation on which Britney takes risks and distances herself from her previous body of work.

At this point in her career, Britney has nothing to prove. While pop tarts like Lady Gaga, Rihanna, and Miley Cyrus compete to be the raunchiest and most provocative singer out there, concurrently letting whatever talent they have fall to the wayside, Britney is letting her music speak for itself, completely gimmick-free.

Britney Jean is very much like the singer's other self-titled album, Britney (2001), in that it's a transitional album. But while her third album took the "not yet a girl, not yet a woman" from teen queen to the dance diva, delivering club-ready jams with which she has since become synonymous, Britney Jean exposes a vulnerable, more mature side of the icon that could signify a major turning point in her career. It fits, given that she'll turn 32 the day before the album's December 3 release.

The album opens up with an airy mid-tempo called "Alien", one of its strongest tracks. "There was a time I was one of a kind/Lost in a world of me, myself, and I," she coos at the beginning of the space-age song. Upon first listen, "Alien" seems to talk about Britney finding herself in a lover, but the track could easily be a commentary on the singer's fame. After all, what Britney album would be complete without its own "Lucky" or "Piece of Me"?

Singles "Work Bitch" and "Perfume" follow the opener, and their interaction speaks to the album's versatility. The former is an aggressive, bass-heavy club banger devoid of any melodic substance; the latter is a vulnerable 80s-inspired ballad about insecurity and jealousy in a relationship. Together, they span the diverse pop spectrum Britney has covered in her career, but still manage to be fresh and unlike anything the singer has put out before or anything you're likely to hear on the radio.

The next track, "It Should Be Easy", marks the third time Britney has teamed up with will.i.am. The robotic dance song is fun and surprisingly sentimental, but it also proves that the two singers are quickly becoming a tiresome duo.

The fifth song, the T.I.-assisted "Tik Tik Boom", is energizing and extremely catchy; in short, it's a true jam. When Britney harps, "Not too slow and not too quick/Baby make me tik tik boom!", the song immediately demands radio airplay. "Body Ache", crafted by David Guetta, is the perfect successor. It's a simmering mid-tempo on which Britney wants to dance to the night away.

"Til It's Gone", another top speed dance song, is probably the most forgettable song on the album, especially as it follows two prime dance tracks that leaves it in the dust. "Passenger", the guitar-driven, Katy Perry-penned track, follows. Britney letting her hair down while her lover take the wheel: "I've never been a passenger, no/But we'll see more without a map." There's so much potential in this song; not only could it be a hit single, but it could open the door for a pop-rock oriented album in the future.

One of the most bizarre tracks on the album is "Chillin' With You", Britney's duet with sister Jamie Lynn. It's equal parts synthetic and twangy, a unique combination that stands out, but probably not in the way it's supposed to. "Don't Cry", which opens with a haunting Western whistle, closes the album as Britney bids her lover a last goodbye. Still, it's hard not to think of this song as Britney's farewell to her fans. "Pack my bags, can't take no more/Adios, I'm out the door/Hide your tears and dry your eyes/Cause I don't wanna see you cry," she sings. With her Las Vegas residency, we shouldn't expect another album from Britney for another few years, but a longer hiatus wouldn't come as a surprise.

At 10 tracks, the standard edition of Britney Jean is much too short. But every song is unique in its own right, and together, they prove that a legend of Britney's standing doesn't need to cater to the demands of the beat-hungry public. This isn't the album of a pop star, this is the album of a true artist.

Jam of the Week: "Perfume" by Britney Spears

Sorry if you're still recovering from "Work Bitch" slaying your life but Britney is back and she's going to bulldoze you with more jams! Girlfriend just dropped "Perfume", the second single off her upcoming album Britney Jean.

Britney promised this album would be her most personal yet, and "Perfume" seems to be a step in the right direction. Co-written by Britney and Sia, the song is dripping in paranoia and insecurity, as the singer worries that her man's ex is moving in on him.

"I hide it well, hope you can't tell, but I hope she smells my perfume," Britney sings flawlessly while making history for being fucking unstoppable and you cry because it's so beautiful and you'll never do anything as great with your life.

Now that the song's out, we can look forward to the new music video #hellaFantasyproductplacement! And of course Britney Jean, which drops on December 3!!

Blessed be this song!

It's Britney, Witch!

Britney Spears participated this GIF-tastic Halloween video and it's #lulz all around.

Miley's New Album Bangerz Is Full of A-List Collabs, Liam Hemsworth, and Bangerz... But Is That a Good Thing?

RIP Hannah Montana

By the end of this year, some of the biggest women in music will have released new material, making 2013 the Hunger Games of pop music. And in this age of crowded radio airwaves, talent is not enough to win. Maybe that's why these pop princesses think if they show enough skin and cross enough lines, they're true artists. Nobody is guiltier of practicing this philosophy than Miley Cyrus, whose foam-fingering, tongue-wagging, ass-twerking debauchery has been the hottest topic on the planet for the past few months. Bangerz, her first album in three years and fourth overall, is the musical embodiment of her recent public transformation, which she has aptly labeled a "strategic hot mess."

But controversy does not equal talent, and while Bangerz is more or less unmistakably Miley, it's hard to ignore the fact that her new musical identity, which she swears is completely genuine, is a calculated cocktail made up of the best parts of Britney Spears, Lady Gaga, Ke$ha, and Rihanna. At it's best, Bangerz showcases what the Disney darling has picked up from these women. At its worst, the album feels like a massive hangover. And though she fails in her efforts to be the ultra pop star and the album just might have what it takes to turn the singer into an actualized musician.

Oddly enough, the album opens with the ballad "Adore You", an undeniably romantic ode to Liam Hemsworth, "holy matrimony" and all. The song does a good job of preparing the listener for the innumerable lyrics clearly aimed at her ex-fiancé; however, it completely buries the lead. Even the second track, "We Can't Stop", is too tame sonically, although it does capture the carefree, smoked-out content that dictates the rest of the album.

The third track, "SMS (Bangerz)", a cheery rap-off with Britney Spears, sets the pace for what follows. The song is disjointed and loud, but when Britney comes in and is all, "Catwalk, slick talk, flirting with them big dogs," she instantly puts Miley's Ke$ha-wannabe speak-singing to shame. Miss Cyrus attempts unabashed rapping on "Do My Thang", on which she proclaims, "I'm a southern belle, crazier than hell." If anything, the song is a good argument that Miley should never rap again.

"#GETITRIGHT" is Miley's attempt at Daft Punk's "Get Lucky", and oddly enough, both were crafted by Pharrell. In it, the singer exudes the same confidence she did while humping a wrecking ball completely naked: "I'm dancing in the mirror/I feel like I got no panties on/I wish that I could feel ya/So hurry, hang up that damn phone."

Every once in a while, Miley tosses out dramatic ballads. While "Wrecking Ball", the singer's first domestic number one single, stands out well on its own, it becomes quickly jaded and repetitive on the album when tracks like "Adore You", "Maybe You're Right", and "My Darlin'" capture the same sound and emotions.

Only twice on the album does Miley get experimental (a generous term for deviating slightly from her peers), and it yields mixed results. The Nelly-featured "4x4" is merrily infused with country elements. The duo takes on Bonnie & Clyde personas as they let their Southern twang run as wild as the high-speed chase they sing about. On "FU", Miley attempts to emulate Adele against a French Montana-produced EDM backdrop as she belts out, "I got two, two two letters for you/One of them's F and the other one's U". It's easily the most uninspired and blood-curdling song on the album.

Every song on Bangerz is a banger: a loud, colorful, trashy depiction of how the singer lives (or at least how she wants us to think she lives). But it's in that chaos that the album works; even when it's bad, it's so bad, it's almost good. Miley isn't doing anything that hasn't been done before her, and Bangerz is hardly the artistic statement she thinks it is, but this very well may be the record that legitimizes Miley as anything but Hannah Montana gone bad.

Things Tommy Loves and Hates #8

Once again, the Queen gets it.

Thing I Love #8: Fictional Love Triangles

Is there anything more delicious than when you're favorite characters are engulfed in a love triangle? I personally loved when two housewives were duking it out for the same Wisteria Lane hottie. Or when Bill and Eric (and everybody else, apparently) fights to the death for Sooki's fairy vagina. And I won't even go into the dissertation-worthy beauty that is the Brenda/Dylan/Kelly saga of Beverly Hills, 90210.

Thing I Hate #8: People Who Can't Spell "Prerogative"

Yes, it's a tricky word. And yes, I tend to hate most typos. But this one drives me absolutely nuts. It may be your pRerogative to spell shit wrong, but don't do it on my time.

Jam of the Week: "Work Bitch" by Britney Spears

As if you couldn't have guessed...

Go Call the Po-Lice! Go Call the Guv-uh-nah! BRITNEY IS BACK TO WORK, BITCH!!!

Lady Gaga, the applause is over. Miley, it's time to stop. And "Roar"? More like "whimper." All the kiddies need to take a seat because the Queen has returned!!!

Britney Spears has finally blessed us with "Work Bitch", the first single off of her upcoming eighth album. And let me tell you, it's magical. She is back in full force, British accent and all, and this time, she's kicking ass and taking names.

The song itself is sort of a spiritual successor to "Scream & Shout", but it's lightyears better than that because it doesn't have will.i.am #sorryboutit.

"You want a hot body? You want a Bugatti? You want a Maserati? You better work, bitch!" she teases as she spills truth tea and floods the lives of pop tarts like Lady Gag-me and Katy Perry. That's right, the song serves as a remind that in a time when any Tom, Dick, and Harry Christina, Selena, and Rihanna thinks they have what it takes to rule the pop charts, there's only Britney, and you'll have to work if you ever wanna get like her.

Flawless. Iconic. Legendary.

Sorry you can't relate...

Coming for you!

Throwback Thursday: Tommy Picks the Best of Britney, Part 3

Watch your finger, boy. You might get burned.

While I we eagerly await the commencement of Britney's new musical era, I'll continue to celebrate the Queen of Pop and all her glory. And what better way than to throw it back to her previous feats? You may recall that I previously selected her top ten singles, and then her top ten non-single songs. What more could I do, you ask?

Well, you're forgetting about the bonus tracks! Whether it's a deluxe edition or an international release, all of Britney's albums have additional songs that don't make the standard cut. It's criminal, really, because a lot of these songs are better than her biggest hits but go unnoticed by the masses. And this list will hopefully remedy that!

10. "Get Back"
"Catch me if you can, don't move too slow," Britney teases flawlessly as she slays your entire life. Continuing the amazingness that is Blackout, "Get Back" was only available on the Japanese edition of the album, and damn are they lucky, because this is a true smash. It's all about inviting a guy to the dance floor, but warning him that if he can't take the heat, he needa step the fuck off.

9. "Don't Hang Up"
One of several Britney songs about phone sex (yes, there are multiple), "Don't Hang Up" seems out of place on In the Zone upon first listen. It sounds sweet, like something Brit would've sang back in her pigtail days; it's not as overtly sexual as, say, "Breath On Me". But with lyrics like, "Pillow is all I have to hold... Without you, I still wanna take you there" and "Don't hang up 'til I'm finished with you," it's clear this international bonus track is naughtier than it lets on.

8. "Quicksand"
It almost sickens me to include this song on the list, as it was written by Lady Gaga. But "Quicksand" is a rare occasion when a post-breakdown Britney sings about emotion rather than sex. In the song, Britney vows to hold on to her significant other, even thought they're "sinking like quicksand." Holler to European iTunes users who were blessed with this song on their Circus downloads.

7. "Before the Goodbye"
Have you ever heard of a dance ballad? Me either, until Selena Gomez's "A Year Without Rain" was described as such. A dance ballad is exactly what it sounds like, and "Before the Goodbye", off of the Spain release of Britney, is the perfect example. Lyrically, the song is about an emotionally absent lover. Ignore the words and you have a fun dance beat perfect for the clubs!

6. "Selfish"
The deluxe edition of Femme Fatale was literally the best thing to happen to humanity in 2011. A jam-packed album extended by four new tracks? Fucking holler. On "Selfish", Britney makes her lover her bitch because tonight is all about her. "Boom boom, baby, pick you up in my Mercedes," she sings iconically and everybody who owns a Mercedes shits themselves with excitement.

5. "Walk On By"
Remember when Britney was still innocent enough to sing about angels? "Walk On By", taken from the UK special edition of Oops!... I Did It Again, is a little over the top, as Britney says her boy toy's face reminds her "of a higher place" and "angels cry" every time he walks on by, but just TRY to listen to this and not say, "Aww! Baby Britney!"

4. "Autumn Goodbye"
Anyone who says Britney can't sing needs to listen to songs like "Autumn Goodbye" and get a fucking reality check. True, Britney rarely pushes her vocal limits these days, but girlfriend was only 15 when she recorded this song, and that kind of talent never goes away. The ...Baby One More Time Japanese bonus track is all about the end of summer love, and it's definitely a highlight in Britney's career in my opinion.

3. "I Run Away"
This lists seems to suggest that Britney delegates heartbreak to foreign releases, and the trend continues with "I Run Away", an exclusive track from the Spain release of Britney. It's another dance ballad, but this time Britney sings about a lover who suddenly leaves her. "Let's pretend that I moved on/And I'll tell myself that life goes on without you," she cries. Whoever would break up with Britney is a fucking idiot.

2. "Amnesia"
Fans in the UK were treated to this Circus treat. "Amnesia" tells the story about a girl getting tongue-tied in the midst of a major hottie, and totally forgetting she's already taken. But she likes the new guy better, so she's just gonna tell her man "he should just effin' go." #PREACH Britney deserves nothing but the best.

1. "He About to Lose Me"
This Femme Fatale deluxe edition track continues the vague theme of adultery. Not only is "He About to Lose Me" one of my favorite songs on the album, but it's one of my favorite Britney songs period. It's all about flirting with the temptation to cheat on a withdrawn boyfriend. In this version, Britney chooses to remain faithful. #OnThatFidelityGrind

BAM! What a flawless list, tbqfh. I hope this list implores you to explore your favorite artist's catalog. You'd be amazed what songs are out there that you probably don't know about, and you might discover a new life jam.

But Britney > your fave. Sorry.

What You Maybe Didn't Know About Britney's Singles

All eyes on me.

The Britney Army has their eyes on September 17, the heavily rumored date for the lead single from Britney's next album. (A countdown on Britney's official website promises something big will happen on that day.) In anticipation of the song that will likely slay us all, here is a fun fact for each of Britney's timeless jams.

1. "...Baby One More Time" was originally written for TLC, but they rejected it. Britney fell in love with the song the minute she heard the demo, and her label lauded it as well, only requesting that "hit me" be removed from the title.
2. "Sometimes" was the subject of a lawsuit when songwriter Steve Wallace claimed he had written the song in 1990 but didn't copyright it until 2003, four years after Britney registered her own copyright for it. Emails Wallace produced in court in which Britney admitted to having stolen the song were considered fake, and Steve lost the lawsuit. #Don'tMessWithBritney
3. "(You Drive Me) Crazy" was remixed for its single release, and "The Stop! Remix" was included on the soundtrack for the 1999 film Drive Me Crazy. The film's stars, Melissa Joan Hart and Adrian Grenier, appear in the song's music video.
4. Britney recorded three versions of "Born to Make You Happy". The first contained lyrics that she deemed too inappropriate for her target audience. After the song was rewritten, Britney recorded two sets of vocals; the second were used for the official album version of the song, while the first were used as a bonus remix.
5. The music video for "From the Bottom of My Broken Heart" was meant to rehaul Britney's naughty school girl image. Her record label wanted a story-oriented and emotionally-driven clip with no choreography.
6. With a budget of $750,000 (over $1 million when adjusted for inflation), "Oops!... I Did It Again" remains one of the most expensive music videos of all time.
7. "Lucky" is frequently cited by critics as one of Britney's finest moments and is often credited with predicting her later struggles with fame.
8. "Stronger" is allegedly aimed at Britney's management and label, who were criticized by the media for micromanaging her career at the time.
9. "Don't Let Me Be the Last to Know" was written by Shania Twain. 
10. The albino Burmese python Britney danced with while flawlessly performing "I'm a Slave 4 U" at the 2001 MTV Music Awards is named Banana. Britney was reportedly terrified of the snake but went ahead with the performance anyway.
11. Though the album version of "Overprotected" was released, music video and all, Britney's label quickly commissioned a hop-hop remix and a new video, hoping it would improve the song's commercial performance.
12. "I'm Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman" was originally recorded for the Crossroads soundtrack but used for Britney's third album instead.
13. While promoting the single release of her version of "I Love Rock 'n' Roll", Britney mistakenly attributed the song to Pat Benatar instead of Joan Jett. #awkward
14. "Anticipating" was only released in France.
15. Like "I'm a Slave 4 U", "Boys" was originally written for Janet Jackson, who is one of Britney's biggest influences. In the song, Britney sings "get nasty," which alludes to Janet's hit single "Nasty".
16. "Me Against the Music" was never intended to feature Madonna, but after Britney played a finished version of the track for her, Madonna added in her own verses.
17. "Toxic", which was originally offered to Kylie Minogue, won Britney her first Grammy.
18. Britney wrote the lyrics to "Everytime" by herself. While it is common knowledge that the song focuses on her former relationship with Justin Timberlake, Britney wrote it in direct response to his music video for "Cry Me a River", which featured a Britney lookalike, and several interviews in which Justin divulged private details of their relationship.
19. Britney suffered a knee injury on the set of the music video for "Outrageous" and had to undergo arthroscopic surgery. As a result, the video, which featured scenes with Snoop Dogg, was never completed.
20. Both Kevin Federline and Britney's brother Bryan make appearances in the music video for "My Prerogative".
21. Britney had to fight with her record label to get "Do Somethin'" released as a single.
22. Britney is the sole writer credited for "Someday (I Will Understand)", a song about feeling empowered as a pregnant woman, which she penned two weeks before learning she was expecting her first child.
23. The original version of "And Then We Kiss" was recorded for In the Zone, but it didn't make the cut. It was considered once again for the Britney & Kevin: Chaotic EP, but was left out for unknown reasons. A remixed version of the song appears on B in the Mix: The Remixes in 2005, and the original version leaked online six years later.
24. Britney initially did not want to include the line, "It's Britney, bitch," on "Gimme More".
25. Bloodyshy & Avant wrote "Piece of Me" after witnessing the singer's relationship with the paparazzi firsthand, even though they were aware of an "unwritten rule" that the label would not accept songs regarding Britney's personal life.
26. "Break the Ice" was selected as the third single from Blackout after it won 39% of votes in a fan poll.
27. "Womanizer" is Britney's best selling digital single in the United States.
28. Entire sequences of Britney walking the tight rope in the "Circus" music video were never included in the final cut.
29. "If U Seek Amy" is by far Britney's most controversial song, as a bunch of tight-ass motherfuckers couldn't handle its double entendre. As a result, the version you're most likely to hear on the radio is "If U See Amy".
30. "Radar" appears on both Blackout and Circus. Originally intended to be released as a single from Blackout, those plans were scrapped and it was released as a single from Circus in order to fulfill contractual obligations with the song's producers.
31. Britney broke hella records with "3", and at the time of the release, it was the first song in three years and first non-American Idol song in eleven years to debut at #1 on the Billboard Hot 100.
32. "Hold It Against Me" was originally written for Katy Perry, but its writers decided it was better suite for Britney.
33. "Till the World Ends" not only features Ke$ha on its remix, but was also written by the "Tik Tok" singer as well.
34. When Britney lent her vocals to the remixed version of Rihanna's "S&M", it marked the first time the singer was ever featured on another artist's song. Bitch plays hard to get!
35. "I Wanna Go" was selected as the third single off of Femme Fatale after receiving 38% of fan votes in an online poll.
36. The music video for "Criminal" stars Britney's then-boyfriend Jason Trawick.
37. "Scream & Shout" is one of three known songs recorded by Britney and will.i.am. The other two, "Big Fat Bass" and another track, were both recorded for Femme Fatale, but only the former made the cut. will.i.am is the executive producer of Britney's upcoming album, so expect more collaborations between the two.
38. Britney's management and label advised her not to record "Ooh La La" for The Smurfs 2, but she insisted because her sons were such big fans of the film.

Spilling That Truth Tea

Cunt of the Week: Adrienne Bailon

I didn't know trash bags counted as swimwear.

Our reigning Cunt of the Week is none other than Adrienne Bailon, whom you might better know as the Latina Cheetah Girl or the name on Rob Kardashian's ribcage. The trouble is, Adrienne did so well for so long. Sure, she made some mistakes along the way, but I would never have gone as far as to call her a cunt. Until yesterday when she committed perhaps the most egregious of Tommy Time crimes. But we'll get to that in a bit.

Adrienne Bailon was part of the girl group 3LW, which was basically a wannabe Destiny's Child, only there was more diversity and less talent. The group also included fellow future Cheetah Girl Kiely Williams and some basic bitch named Naturi Naughton. After a few modest hits, Naturi quit when she and the other girls were involved in an altercation involving KFC food. I shit you not. That anecdote, in all its racism, is true. And I bet it was Adrienne who through the first drumstick.

Naturi's departure pretty much spelled the end for 3LW, and Adrienne and Kiely went on to star in The Cheetah Girls. Adrienne played the whiny, pressed-as-fuck Chanel, who wore faux fur vests and constantly tried to dethrone Raven as alpha bitch of the fictional cheetahlicious girl group, which eventually became a Raven-less real-life pop group with Adrienne, Kiely, and Sabrina Bryan. But you can guess where that took them: not very fucking far. When your group's first album is called Cheetahlicious Christmas, you know you're doomed.

Here's where shit goes down and Adrienne started showing her true cunt colors. After two failed group efforts, she somehow thought she'd be better off going solo! Not so, bitch. Not so. In case you're wondering, Adrienne's debut album has been four years in the making and it's nowhere closer to getting done than it was when it started. So naturally, to keep herself in the limelight, Adrienne decided she was also a television personality and tried to get herself as a guest host on every talk show imaginable.

And when that wasn't enough, bitch thought she could marry into the Kardashian family! That's right! She took one look at Kim K and was like, "Yeah, me too!" She somehow convinced Rob Kardashian to date her, which he did, and he even got a Texas-sized tattoo of her name. Obviously, he wasn't in his right mind, and reality television cameras were there to capture Adrienne in all her cuntitude.

There was the time she forced the Kardashians to tone it down for her conservative family, the time she had the nerve to give Kourtney acting advice, or my personal favorite, the time when she told Rob that she would be leaving in a few weeks to film The Cheetah Girls 3 in India for three months. #GirlfriendOfTheYear. Thankfully, the relationship ended soon after. Rumor has it that Rob cheated, but who can blame him!

[Side note: sometime during all this hoopla, bitch had some nude pictures leak in a horribly misguided attempt to be Vanessa Hudgens.]

But all these acts of fuckery are just bitch shit. Here's where it gets REALLY cunty. Continuing her habit of not doing anything worthwhile, Adrienne is apparently one of the hosts of The Real, a talk show you just know is gonna get canceled soon enough. This week, she took a major swipe at the Legendary Miss Britney Spears. She said:

Britney Spears needs to call Miley Cyrus' stylist ASAP! I worked with her on X Factor. I'm not gonna lie, you guys. She can't hold a conversation! Like they have somebody feed her what she's supposed to say.

Luckily, some of the other hosts, including one of the Mowry twins, came to Brit's defense.

All I have to say to Miss Bailon is this: did it ever occur to you that Britney has no idea who the fuck you are and has nothing to say to your sorry ass?

After facing the wrath of the Britney Army, Adrienne tweeted this:

LMAO... Some folks can't handle being REAL. #ItAintForEverybody
— Adrienne Bailon (@Adrienne_Bailon) August 6, 2013

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is a surefire way to get Cunt of the Week. Well done, Adrienne!

Mm.

The Good, the Bad, and the Rihanna: Selena Gomez's Stars Dance is a Damn Hot Mess

Come and get it... July 23.

It's standard for most artists to take two years between albums, so when Selena Gomez announced a music hiatus, nobody thought much of it, even if it did break her three-albums-in-less-than-two-years streak. But since 2011's When the Sun Goes Down, Selena made the leap from 18 to 20, split with her band the Scene, partook in a highly publicized and reportedly tumultuous relationship with Justin Bieber, and distanced herself from her clean Disney days with a bikini-clad, bong-smoking role in Spring Breakers.

So it's not much of a surprise that Selena's first solo effort, Stars Dance, is quite a departure from her kid-friendly catalog. With its hip-hop, dubstep, and house music elements, it takes more musical risks by a Disney-helmed pop album since Hilary Duff's Dignity, a dance compilation released before the genre was commercially viable. Stars Dance presents a more sexually confident Selena, who seems more dependent on autotune now more than ever. And despite Selena's constant accreditation of Britney Spears as the biggest influence on the record, the Queen of Pop's impact is minimal at best. Instead, Stars Dance seems like it was assembled from a pile of leftover Rihanna tracks. (In the case of lead single "Come & Get It", this happens to be true.)

The result is, as the title of this review states, a damn hot mess. Never before has Selena disappointed so much. Her presence on the album is almost non-existent; instead, her weak vocals are processed to hell, and her producers create a slick and glossy package that she slaps her name on. Even her attempts to get personal seem anonymous (more on that later). Still, like is true with too many artists today, Selena's music never has to be good to be catchy, infectious, and, at times, fun, and Stars Dance is not without these moments.

The album opens with "Birthday", a candy-coated, dubstep-laden, rap-infused song on which Selena chants, "Tell 'em it's my birthday/When I party like that." It's like Gwen Stefani meets Rihanna, a fun, albeit quickly annoying, combination. And when Selena musters her best drunken sorority girl impression as she beltches out, "Party ooon, babyyyy" during the verse, one wishes this song was around in time for the Spring Breakers soundtrack.

Other songs also find Selena outside of her musical comfort zone. And sometimes it works. The Middle Eastern-inspired "Come & Get It", a former Jam of the Week, is the album's strongest track. "Save the Day", which is pure dance floor bliss, harkens back to Selena's days with the Scene. "Undercover" is also a highlight, and probably the album's most scandy track. On the song, Selena calls her man a "sexy machine," and declares: "I wanna find a place where we can be alone in the dark/And you can navigate me like a map that you know by heart." It's slinky, sexy, and the closest Selena has ever gotten to getting on Britney's level.

However, sometimes Selena's ambitious musical direction backfires. "Like a Champion" has Rihanna's name written all over it. Selena attacks the lyrics with a laughable Riri-esque accent, and the pitter-patter of those "rom pa pa poms" are ripped right from the Barbadian singer's signature reggae flair. And the numbing repetition of "Forget Forever", a retitled version of the previously-leaked "Rule the World", will have you longing for Rihanna's "We Found Love".

Similarly, "B.E.A.T." mimics another rising pop star. On the track, Selena sings, "I like the lights in my hand and the beat in my face." Does that line remind you of any Dev lyrics in particular? The rest of the album is just as dismissible. The trippy and heavily-autotuned "Stars Dance" and the vacant and familiar "Write Your Name" are both boring as hell.

Good or bad, what all these songs have in common is an airy superficiality. Only once does Selena delve beneath the surface. "Love Will Remember" is obviously about the collapse of her romance with Justin. But the album version of the song is without the alleged Bieber voicemail that was present when the track leaked last week. Without this personal touch, the song is robbed of its identity, and suddenly, the vulnerability of  "Love Will Remember" is about as convincing as that on "The Way I Loved You", a death-of-love song Selena tried to tackle when she was only 15 and hadn't even held hands with someone who wasn't named Jonas.

Even at its best, Stars Dance disappoints. While Miley Cyrus has recently dismissed her old music, and Demi Lovato has never developed the musical identity to match her amazing voice, Selena was lucky enough to perfect her artistry on When the Sun Goes Down, which is bubblegum pop at its finest. Stars Dance undoes this feat, trapping Selena in the same anonymity and incohesiveness she struggled with earlier in her career.

The final verdict: Selena gets major brownie points for her impressive musical risks, but that same ambition costs the album the presence of its star.

This or That: Christina Aguilera vs. Britney Spears

Pictured: treasure (left) and trash (right).

It's a rivalry as old as time. The skank vs. the sweetheart, the diva vs. the lolita, the voice vs. the x-factor. That's right. It's Christina Haguilera vs. the Legendary Miss Britney Spears. These two pop stars have been pitted against one another since their diaper days on The Mickey Mouse Club, and I think it's pretty clear to everyone just who came out on top. But for argument's sake, today's This or That will present my reasoning for just how one of these women is better than the other. Let's go!

Musical styles and influence
Britney is always ahead of the curve, setting trends with every song she releases. She's often credited as leading the revival in teen pop in the late 1990s. This blast of bubblegum pop would later allow artists such as Miley Cyrus, Selena Gomez, and Justin Bieber to start their music careers at an early age. With Britney's R&B influences and In the Zone's urban elements, B segued into electropop dance music, which has defined the later half of her career. Without her taking those reins, artists like Lady Gaga wouldn't have careers. And whether you love it or hate it, dubstep was first introduced into mainstream music by Britney's "Freakshow". Blackout was dubbed the most influential pop album of the decade by Rolling Stone, and it was also inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Britney's influence is massive and beyond reproach!

Christina's R&B influences and preference for low-profile producers helped her establish a unique identity that was pretty different from Britney's at first. And it worked, and her willingness to take risks produced the wonderfully jazz-infused Back to Basics album. But in recent years, Christina has had an identity crises. After dismissing autotune, her vocals on Bionic were notably computerized. (She later called the album "ahead of its time" after it flopped, but I just call it "shit.") Her most recent effort, Lotus, proved that she had finally caved in. She worked with the hottest producers and assembled a collection of the most reductive and formulaic dance songs you could imagine. There's a reason you're probably unaware that she released an album just last November. Obviously, this round goes to Britney!

Vocal talent
Everybody has to admit that Christina is the better vocalist. (Some even think she's black!) Britney has said, on numerous occasions, that she would like to have a voice like Christina's. While it's worth noting that Britney has an amazing voice, one that her music generally doesn't show, it's nowhere near Christina's level, and thus this round goes to Christina!

The wow factor
Slutty school girl, red latex, sheer bodysuit, albino snake, bejeweled skin, three-ring circus. What do all of these things have in common? They are elements of Britney's most memorable performances. Christina may have the better voice, but Britney has always been the better performer, and has contributed far more to pop culture iconography than Xtina could ever hope. This round goes to Britney!

Sales, numbers, and figures
Let's talk albums first. All but one of Britney's have gone to #1 in the US (Blackout hit #2). All of her albums have been certified platinum, with ...Baby One More Time and Oops!... I Did It Again both achieving the highest honor of diamond. Collectively, she has sold over 100 million albums worldwide. Only 2 of Christina's 7 albums have hit #1, and only 5 have gone platinum (the other 2 haven't even gone gold). Worldwide, she has sold 50 million albums, only have of what Britney's done.

Now let's talk singles. Both singers have boosted a surprisingly low five #1 US hits (including Britney's feature on "S&M" by Rihanna and Christina's features on "Lady Marmalade" and "Moves Like Jagger"). The only difference? The last time Christina hit #1 as a solo artist was in 2000 with "Come On Over Baby (All I Want Is You)". Britney had her last solo #1 in 2011 with "Hold It Against Me".

As for concert tours, let's just say this: Britney's Femme Fatale tour was amongst the top-selling global tours of 2011. Christina's last tour was cancelled due to lack of interest. All together now: this round goes to Britney!

The breakdowns
It's sad but true that unless Britney is going up against Lindsay Lohan or Amanda Bynes, she'll always have the burden of having had one of the biggest celebrity meltdowns ever. Between questionable parenting choices, alleged drug use, a messy divorce, and a shaved head, 2006-08 was not a great time for Brit. And even though she was never arrested like Christina was for being a damn hot mess in 2011, I have to be honest and give this round to Christina.

Lightning round!!!

•  The Voice routinely beats The X Factor in ratings. Point for Christina!
•  Everybody and their mother has come forward to say that meeting Christina was like meeting the devil himself, but Britney is constantly complimented for her sweet modesty and professionalism. Point for Britney!
• Britney doesn't exploit her children, but they're celebrities anyway, kind of in a Suri Cruise kind of way... What was Christina's kid's name again? Point for Britney!
• Madonna kissed both Britney and Christina onstage during the same performance, but only Britney's smooch made headlines. Did you even know that Christina was there? Point for Britney!
• Before P!nk, Lady Gaga, and Katy Perry started churning out songs about the underdog, Christina released "Beautiful", one of the more poignant empowerment songs for the disenfranchised. Britney's music might be more fun, but she's never recorded something this meaningful nor powerful. Point for Christina! 

It's not surprised that Britney emerges the victor. Obviously I wouldn't allow any other outcome, but the facts DO speak for themselves. If her recent album sales are anything to go by, Christina Haguilera doesn't exactly have an army of fans waiting to defend her, but don't bother trying anyway. Britney will always be queen. Thanks!

Why Heidi Montag's Album Isn't as Bad as You'd Think (And Yes, This Pains Me to Admit)

Ratchet.

Most of you are probably unaware, but in 2010, The Hills star Heidi Montag released an album. And... it wasn't bad. Dare I say, it was almost good. I'll get into that later, but let me preface this reasoning by first explaining that I detest Heidi, as should the rest of the air-breathing population. So naturally, when I heard the reality starlet was headed into the recording studio, I feared the worst.

Nothing Heidi did in the months leading up to her album's release indicated that it would be anything but utter shit. She married ratchet fucktard Spencer Pratt, got 10 plastic surgeries in one day, and released the ear-splitting buzz single "Higher" (only click the link if you have a high tolerance for pain). But perhaps most offensively, she got her hand on a Britney Spears demo, recorded over it, and leaked it to the public in an effort to convince everyone she had collaborated with one of the biggest pop stars on the planet. And on the eve of the album's release, when Heidi revealed that she had personally funded the $2 million project and was confident that she would get all the money back after one week of release, I laughed at her just like everybody else.

And then Superficial, as the album was aptly titled, was released. And I was surprised at how good it was. Don't get me wrong, there is absolutely no talent her. Heidi's vocals are autotuned to hell, and I can still only just tolerate them. The songs are uninspired and reductive (one track, "Blackout", was even written by a 9-year-old Taylor Momsen). But Heidi set out to make a fun dance mix and that's exactly what she did. The album's opening tracks, "Look How I'm Doing" and "Turn Ya Head", could have easily been top 40 hits if they were sung by anybody else. My personal favorite, "I'll Do It", is undeniably fun while  "Love It or Leave It" should have been a Britney record. Other highlights include the dance jam "More is More" and the titular "Superficial".

So remember the whole "don't judge a book by its cover" saying? This definitely applies here. With Superficial, that was only ever digitally released, you do get what you think: a collection of vapid songs that embody everything that's wrong with the pop music industry. But that doesn't mean they aren't fun!

PS If you're just loving these jams, you should also check out "Body Language", which Heidi performed at the Miss Universe pageant to a TV audience of nearly one billion, "Bionic". Neither made the album, but they're some of her best.

Jam of the Week: "Ooh La La" by Britney Spears

Whenever Britney hits the scene with a new jam, life becomes instantly more worth living. Girlfriend just released her track "Ooh La La" from the forthcoming Smurfs 2 film and it is killer.

The song is like Oops!... I Did It Again meets Blackout, if you can imagine a thing as beautiful as that. And while I wish it was a bit naughtier, it's still a fun and sweet song for the kids, and Britney manages to sneak in her signature double entendre in there! So sit back and get ready to actually LIVE.

And this is just a DEMO. According to Brit, the final version will be released on June 16.

So baby come with me and be my ooh la la...

Cunt of the Week: Lady Gaga

Ugh. I just can't.

In the music industry, cunts are a dime a dozen. This is perhaps best illustrated by the battle for who will surpass Madonna as the Queen of Pop. While Britney is the obvious successor, basic bitches like Katy Perry, Rihanna, and Beyoncé think they stand a chance. The only person who has come close to swiping the title is none other than this Cunt of the Week, Lady Gaga.

For those of you who don't remember who Lady Gag-a is (because she's thankfully fallen of the radar in the past year or so), allow me to refresh your memory. She's Cyndi Lauper and Elton John's lovechild who grew up to become a self-important singing gypsy. Ever since she hit the music scene in 2008, she's proven to be nothing more than an absolute cunt. The biggest problem with Lady G is the fact that everybody thinks she's the fucking mecca of pop music. Her songs are so inspirational, she is so unique, and she is so talented. Except not. That is all bullshit. And here's why.

First off, she's not all that inspiring. Between P!nk raising her glass for the under dogs and Selena Gomez shutting down anybody who says you're not perfect, empowering pop anthems are an inescapable trend. Lady Gaga is perhaps the premier engineer of such tunes. "Dance in the Dark" speaks about body image, "Americana" touches upon immigration, and of course "Born This Way" is a shout-out to the gays. But at what point do these messages stop becoming meaningful and start becoming trite? I can't say for sure, but I know for fucking sure that Lady Gaga passed that point ages ago. Maybe her songs offer hope to the downtrodden, but she exploits social issues and her fanbase to make her music even more successful than it already is and das tacky. Sorry, Little Monsters, but y'all just her prop.

Secondly, Lady Gaga is a lot of things, but unique is not one of them. Sure, she may be the first person to wear a dress made out of Kermit the Frog dolls or arrive at the Grammys in a fucking egg, but her very being is a collection of shit she's stolen from other artists. From her blonde yellow hair that has been trademarked by Cyndi Lauper for decades to her music videos that scream Michael Jackson, nothing about Lady Gag-me's artistry is special. And as if I have to say it, almost every move she makes is taken from Madonna's playbook. (Please listen to "Born This Way" and then Madonna's 1989 hit "Express Yourself" to HEAR the similarities.)

Lastly, I'll evaluate Lady Gaga's talent. Sure, she has a nice voice, and she clearly knows how to pen a jam or two. But if you take away her soap box, crazy costumes, and alienating personality, her skills are underwhelming. There's nothing she can do that her peers cannot. You may say Britney is less talented, but at least she sets the trends in pop music. (Rolling Stone didn't name Blackout the most influential pop album of the past five years for shits and giggles.) Lady Gaga is always behind the curve.

Lady Gaga is not the pop engineer everybody thinks she is. In fact, she's the most reductive, redundant, irrelevant cunt on the block. I'll leave you with this graphic, which displays Lady Gaga's only lasting impact on the industry.

One list Britney will never be on.