Bitch of the Week: Kourtney Kardashian, the Ultimate Calabitch

Mirror, mirror on the wall,
Who's the biggest bitch of all?

The Kardashian family is built on a lineage of strong, independent Armenian bitches, so the fact that Kourtney Kardashian is the Bitch of the Week doesn't even require an explanation. But here it is anyway. Kourtney is the eldest of the Kardashian sisters, meaning she has been bitching it up since before Kim and Khloé even left the womb. For 33 years, Kourtney has been DGAFing hardcore about many things, particularly other people's feelings. She has built up a beautifully monotonous speaking pattern, which has given her the ability to conceal any emotion or sign of humanity that may be lying beneath the surface.

Kourtney had a relatively normal childhood, except she was rich as fuck and her parents were biffles with OJ Simpson. She then graduated from the University of Arizona with degrees in theatre arts and Spanish, but like a true bitch, Kourtney forsook those useless skills and opened up a chic boutique in Calabasas called DASH. And long before Kim's porno made the whole fam famous, Kourtney dipped her toe in the reality television waters by appearing in Filfthy Rich: Cattle Drive, which was just about a bunch of rich people's children competing for charity. I like everything about that except the whole charity aspect.

Kourtney passes down her bitchery to the next generation.

Since then, Kourtney and her sisters have all become major bitches and tabloid queens. But it's Kourtney who proved time and time again that she could outbitch her sisters any day of the week. She started dating Scott Disick, a metro douchbag and her personal sperm bank. Whether it's Scott's alcoholism and philandering tendencies or Kourtney's emotional unavailability, the couple's turbulent relationship has been well documented and serves to remind us all that a real bitch doesn't lead a boring life. (She even refused to give birth to her children in the typical plebeian manner and pulled those suckers out of her vadge all by herself!) In fact, she makes sure not a damn minute goes by that she's not in the living rooms of millions of Americans, prompting her to star in not only Keeping Up With the Kardashians, but also Kourtney and Khloé Take Miami and Kourtney and Kim Take New York as well. When's the last time you took two cities? Probably never, because you ain't Kourtney K.

To further prove what a grade A Bitch Kourt is, I've compiled a list of her best quotes:

• On working with photographer Ashley Paige: "Ashley Paige is insane. I'm ready to shove a taco up her ass."
• On self-reflection: "I think I have mental problems."
• On Kim crying after losing an expensive earring: "Kim, there are people that are dying."
• On food: "I'm such a bitch when I'm hungry, like stone cold biatch."
• On being a mother: "I remember one day I was kissing Mason and he spit up in my mouth and I loved it."
• On self-image: "Whenever I look at my old pictures… I look so ugly and my eyes look weird."

It's safe to assume that Kourtney will be a bitch for all of prosperity. Thankfully, there are about a dozen different Kardashian reality shows to capture her in all her glory!