Jam of the Week: "Cannonball" by Lea Michele

I've been waiting five years for Lea Michele to launch a solo career and that time has FINALLY come. Glee's leading lady has been working on her debut album for over a year now, and if its lead single and Jam of the Week, "Cannonball", is any indication, it's going to be amazing.

Lyrically, "Cannonball" is similar to "Roar", "Firework", and a slew of other Katy Perry songs in that it speaks about self-empowerment. But while Katy's songs are vague pick-me-ups, Leas "Cannonball" definitely seems to be about her overcoming her grief after Cory Monteith's death. It's spectacular, even if she does pronounce "cannon" a little oddly.

Have this ish on repeat.

Tommy Picks the Best Albums of 2013

As we barrel into 2014, it's important to look back on the previous year before we close the book on 2013 forever. In the last twelve months, we've gotten some tantalizing music (#jamsfordays) and I took the time to rank the 10 Best Albums of 2013. Avid Tommy Time readers shouldn't be surprised by the rankings at all.

Click through the slideshow to see if your favorite made the cut!

Bitch of the Week: Kitty Wilde

Full time diva.

The third season finale of Glee was a sad one, indeed. The show was barely on solid ground and it was about to go through a major rehaul that could make or break it. Half the New Directions graduated and departed for parts unknown. Finn forced Rachel to leave him behind and follow her dreams to New York while he enlisted in the army; she obliged because she knew it was time. At the time, nobody knew quite what it meant. Who was staying with the show? How would we keep up with characters who were dispersed across the country? But for me, the most important question was, will we keep Quinn Fabray?

The answer was, essentially, no. Dianna Agron reprised her devious role a meager three times in the fourth season and, in the midst of rumors that her frequent challenging of the show's creative direction got her ousted by head honcho Ryan Murphy, she hasn't been seen since. Unacceptable. BUT, thankfully the creative team behind Glee has realized they can't go far without a blonde, bitchy cheerleader in their ring.

Enter Kitty Wilde. Upon her debut in the season four premiere, Kitty is described a young Quinn Fabray, "except she's not pregnant, manic depressive, or in and out of a wheelchair." And indeed, she's a lot like Quinn. Dare I say, she's better? She's a thousand times meaner and can sing a hell of a lot more than Q.

At first, Kitty's friends with the glee kids, who are finally popular after winning nationals. But when they realize what a fabulous bitch she is, the pussies peace out. Whatever. Kitty don't care. She's got hottie Jake Puckerman on her arms. Until he leaves her for that cunt Marley for the same reasons her friends ditched her.

Kitty doesn't take this kind of bullshit sitting down and does what any bitch would. Step 1: repeatedly alter Marley's costumes for the school musical so that she'll think she's gaining weight. Step 2: suggest an eating disorder as a cure. And so continues the bulimia-induced love triangle that, unfortunately, Kitty doesn't win. But kudos to her for scoring glee alum Puck.

Eventually, the writers decided that Kitty shouldn't be a total raging bitch, so they softened her up a bit, paired her with Artie the paraplegic, and made her a supportive friend. I didn't like any of these changes, but I'm grateful that Kitty still retains her quick wit and bitchy quip. Here are some of my favorites:

• "My iced latte is too cold."
• "We could handle gimpy and the tarantula head and Richie Poor because you guys were national champs like us, but our invitation was not extended to pre-op Precious based on the novel Barf by Sapphire, and Mike and Molly's daughter, as part of our crew."
• "The Left Behind Club accepts everyone, even losers and lezzies."
• "See, [Jesus has] got an awesome dad named God who's throwing him a bitchin' party called Armageddon, where he's gonna get to kick off his sandals, dance a little bit, and judge the crap out of everybody."
• "To quote Shakespeare, 'There's no small parts, only fat actresses.'"
• "Now excuse me because just thinking about me and you dating makes me dryer than the cast of Hot in Cleveland."

Cunt of the Week: Tina Cohen-Chang

#notcute #tryingtoohard

Gleeks are quite possibly the hardest television fans to satisfy. In fact, nobody hates Glee more than gleeks. If you peruse through the interwebs, you'll find a myriad of complaints about the show. And as expected (or not, depending on how you look at it), a lot of them have to do with the Cunt of the Week, Tina Cohen-Chang. Why doesn't Tina have more solos? They've ruined Tina's character! She never gets any screen time. Blah blah fucking blah!

When the show begins, Tina is a friendless Asian goth who sings "I Kissed a Girl" and pulls a pelvic thrust/thigh slap during her audition for the glee club. Okay, that's fine. She gets in and starts speaking with a stutter. Again, it's whatever, neither here nor there. But then, Tina starts dating Artie, the paraplegic, and reveals that she doesn't actually have a stutter, and simply used it to keep others at bay. Artie breaks up with her but they reconcile. Soon after, she became a martyr for dressing however you want at McKinley. At this point, I was over Tina. But she wasn't a cunt. She was innocuous. She was, as Sue Sylvester put it, the Asian. And we were all fine with that.

It's not until the second season when she starts showing her true colors (lolz, a joke for gleeks). Her wardrobe goes from goth to punk. She breaks up with Artie and starts dating "other Asian," Mike Chang. By the third season, she's dressing like a fucking gogo dancer and bitches non-stop about not getting any solos. She constantly antagonizes the true star, Rachel Berry, though they become friends right before Rachel graduates. I know what you're thinking. What gives Tina the right to be such a heartbreaker?

In the fourth season, Tina's cuntitude is in full force. She literally bitches non-stop about solos and roles in musicals and all this other bullshit. Then she falls in love with Blaine, a very openly gay glee club member. On one hand, it's like, girl we've all been there. Who hasn't fallen for someone who couldn't possibly reciprocate the feeling? On the other hand, get it the fuck together, Tina. He's gay and wears bowties to school. Luckily, Tina eventually accepts this and settles for being his friend.

In the fifth season, Tina campaigns for prom queen but is total fucking cunt about it. She turns down a charitable invite to the dance by resident hottie Sam simply because he wasn't nominated for king. She's awful, which is why when she gets Carried and a bloody red slushi gets dumped on her when she accepts her crown, it's hard to feel bad for her. And after Finn dies (RIP Cory Monteith!), and Tina's biggest problem is she doesn't want to wear black to mourn the loss because she worked so hard to move past her goth days, you just want to cut the bitch.

Don't get me wrong. While I hate Tina, I feel bad for Jenna Ushkowitz, the actress who plays her. Jenna was one of the original cast members, and not only does she get shoved into the background more and more each time a new cast member is added, but they made her character a spiteful, callous cunt. Luckily the bitch is supposed to graduate soon, and we might finally be rid of Tina once and for all. One Glee problem down, 417 more to go.

Best News of the Week: Demi Lovato Joins Glee, Will Slay You With Brilliant Covers

"Don't stop believin'!"

Glee just got a whole lot better!

After several days of speculation, Fox has officially announced that Demi Lovato is joining the cast of Glee for its upcoming fifth season, which kicks of September 26 with a two-part Beatles tribute. It's her first acting gig since she ditched Sonny With a Chance for rehab back in 2010.

Not much is known about the role except that she will be playing Dani, a fellow NYADA student, who befriends Rachel (Lea Michele) and Santana (Naya Rivera). Demi will reportedly duet with both Naya and Adam Lambert, who also joins the cast this season.

Demi's first appearance will be in the second part of the aforementioned Beatles tribute, after which the show will air its tribute episode to Cory Monteith and take an extended hiatus.

This is fucking amazing for multiple reasons. First of all, it means more Demi jams. I'm eager to hear what she'll sing! (Although it is a bit weird that she's coming onto the show now, after they covered one of her songs last season. That's a bit too meta for me.)

Secondly, Glee airs alongside The X Factor, on which Demi is still a judge, on Thursday nights, meaning Fox is clearly run by Lovatics. (But who am I kidding? Without Britney, there's no reason to watch The X Factor.)

So everybody just buckle the fuck up, because Demi is taking over.

Throwback Thursday: Tommy Picks the Best of Glee, Season 3

Remember when the main cast had 400 people in it?

In the past few months, I've selected the best Glee performances of Seasons 1 and 2, and with the third season just around the corner, it's high time to continue the praise. The show's third season was more Broadway-heavy than its predecessors, but that doesn't mean there weren't some absolute jams. In fact, some of my favorite Glee songs come from this season. (The fact that Blaine sang like everything didn't hurt, either!) So let's delve into the Best of Glee, Season 3!



10. "Smooth Criminal" by Santana & Sebastian
After Madonna, Britney Spears, Rocky Horror Picture Show, and Fleetwood Mac got tribute episodes, it was only a matter of time that Michael Jackson would get his due. With an inflated number of musical performances (9 in just the one episode), the episode was sloppy and out of fucking control. But one thing did come out it. Santana had a sing-off with Warbler Sebastian and the result was a fantastic cover of my favorite MJ song, "Smooth Criminal".

9. "Fix You" by Will & the New Directions
Every time Glee touches Coldplay, it turns to gold. They tackled one of the band's biggest hits as Will proclaims hit love and devotion to Emma. And even though Mr. Schue barely gets to sing, he always hits it out of the park!

8. "Shake It Out" by Santana, Mercedes, & Tina
Because Glee doesn't like to leave any social issue untouched, they decided to incorporate domestic violence into a storyline. Coach Bieste, who is, to quote Gaston from Beauty and the Beast, roughly the size of a barge, is the victim of such abuse. Santana, Mercedes, and Tina figure that if they sing her a stripped down version of a Florence + the Machine song, everything will work out. The lesson is horrible, but the acoustic performance of "Shake It Out" is flawless.

7. "Cry" by Rachel
In Season 3, Rachel learned that she may not be as talented and confident as she thought after blowing her NYADA audition. To express her melancholy, Rachel sings a little known Kelly Clarkson song.

6. "Tongue Tied" by New Directions
One of the rare instances when the glee club doesn't perform a song onscreen, their rendition of "Tongue Tied" plays as the New Directions celebrate their win at Nationals. The song is perfect and features one of Cory Monteith's best vocal performances on the show.

5. "Roots Before Branches" by Rachel
Rachel solos are my absolute jam, so naturally I was pleased when Season 3 ended with one of Lea Michele's most powerful performances. After Finn breaks up with her for her own good, she bids Lima, Ohio goodbye and hops aboard a train to New York.

4. "Without You" by Rachel
Yup, another Rachel solo! Sorry about it, but this is absolutely flawless. David Guetta and Usher's "Without You" is already a jam, but take away the dance beat and let Lea Michele do her thing, and you have life.

3. "Rumour Has It/Someone Like You" by the Troubletones
Perhaps the biggest highlight of Season 3 was the storyline in which those members of New Directions who felt unappreciated split off and formed an all-girl rival club, the Troubletones. And who can forget their memorable mash-up of Adele's "Rumour Has It" and "Someone Like You"? Certainly not me.

2. "We Are Young" by New Directions
When the aforementioned Troubletones disbanded and rejoined the New Directions, they sang "We Are Young". Glee covered the song before the original version hit airwaves; in fact, Fun's version wouldn't have been successful if it weren't for this performance. What's more, Glee did it better.

1. "Cough Syrup" by Blaine
This is quite possibly my favorite Glee performance ever. Darren Criss' voice doesn't always hit its mark, but "Cough Syrup" is exemplary of just how good he can be. So just bask in all it's glory. (Fair warning: Blaine's performance is intercut with scenes a suicide attempt.)

The third season was hot mess, but it was filled with so many jams. I think this list accurately highlights the strongest performances. Stay tuned for the Best of Season 4 soon!

RIP Cory Monteith

It's always sad when people pass away before their time, and Cory Monteith is no exception. The Glee star, who has struggled with drug addiction since age 13, was found dead in his Vancouver hotel room July 13 at age 31. As a proud gleek since day one, I wanted to express my condolences the only way I know how.

Though Cory originally auditioned for Glee by playing the drums rather than singing, because he didn't think he was any good, his performances as the adorkable Finn Hudson have been some of the show's best. Here are my picks for the top songs Cory performed throughout his four years on the show.

"I'll Stand by You"

"Hello, I Love You"

"Jessie's Girl"

"Losing My Religion"

"She's Not There"

"Girls Just Wanna Have Fun"

"Tongue Tied"

"Don't Dream It's Over"

My prayers are with Cory's loved ones!

Things Tommy Loves and Hates #3

Basic bitch.

Thing I Love #3: News Anchor Fuck-Ups

It seems like every day now that a news anchor will drop an F-bomb on air, or worse, say something when they think the camera have stopped rolling.

Thing I Hate #3: Marley from Glee

If you're like me, you're unfortunately still watching Glee, so you know just how irritating Marley is. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, read up on her here.

The Cult of the Basic Bitch

"Basic bitch" is amongst my favorite terms in life. In just two short words, you can say so much about how irrelevant and idiotic someone is. (Please, do no confuse "basic bitch" with "other sister.") Yet some people still have trouble processing what the term means. Perhaps those individuals are basic bitches themselves? Regardless, it's time to get schooled, y'all. Let's delve into some examples.

5. Paris Brown
Paris Brown is a 17-year-old British teen who was hired as Britain's first youth commissioner. The move was a good faith effort to reach out to young people; however, it turns out Paris wasn't the ideal candidate. (As if her name didn't say that already.) Shortly after Paris received the job, The Mail on Sunday uncovered some of tweets. I've selected a few gems:

• "I am getting so drunk this saturday, so so painfully oh so unattractively drunk."
• "Everyone on Made in Chelsea looks like a fucking fag."
• "I can speak fucking english its the illegals on the other end that cant."

Now, so far Paris doesn't seem basic, she just seems nasty! But watch her on-air interview, in which she's sporting a poorly-executed Adele hairstyle and cites Urban Dictionary in her apology to the public.

Now THAT'S a basic bitch.

4. Sabi
If you've ever listened to "You Make Me Feel..." by Cobra Starship, then you know Sabi. She's that Rihanna copycat singing half the song. You might also recognize her from the Britney Spears classic "(Drop Dead) Beautiful", in which she rhymes "you" with "vegetables." Although she only appears in less than 30 seconds of the song, Sabi insisted on joining Brit for her Femme Fatale Tour and trying to milk whatever fame she could get from the experience. But it was just tacky and embarrassing. Can somebody say basic?
 
3. Katherine Mayfair
Desperate Housewives is an amazing show, but even it has its fair share of basic bitches. Case in point: Katherine Mayfair. When she joined the show in season four, Katherine was a passive aggressive cunt. She was needlessly rude and arrogant all for the sake of covering up her dirty little secret. (For real, who cares if your current daughter is a replacement for the one who died as a kid? Nobody liked Dylan anyway.) Come season five, she became whiny and lovesick, throwing herself at Mike when everybody knows that he and Susan were endgame. In season six, she went completely bonkers, dated a female stripper, and moved to Paris. By the time she returned to the show in its series finale, Katherine was back to her old tricks and was bragging about how much money she had. No matter the phase, one thing is certain: Katherine was always an unbearable, crusty shrew. But above all, she was BASIC.

2. This anonymous reader
Let me be clear. This website is called TOMMY TIME, which means it will most certainly be BIASED. I irrationally hate some things and blindly love others. With the This or That series, I will always ensure that my favorite comes out on top. Whenever I say I won't be biased, it's sarcastic, which anyone who isn't basic and has more than a few active brain cells would know. Unfortunately, one reader didn't understand and felt the need to comment on my Taylor Swift vs. Carrie Underwood post. His or her responses are to the right. Basic and flopish. Better luck next time!

Disclaimer: I honestly don't care what basic bitches have to say, but I appreciate the material!

1. Marley Rose
Are you still watching Glee? Chances are, you're not. And that's probably for the best, as the show has disintegrated into absolute chicken shit. A chief reason for such a decline in quality is Marley, an obnoxious newcomer who was expected to fill in for Lea Michele's Rachel but fell flat on her talentless ass. While Glee is known for its stereotypes, Marley is uniquely cliched. She's the annoying, weepy wallflower with a heart of gold. She's always the victim, so much so that she lets somebody trick her into having an eating disorder. (#TeamKitty tbh...) Even when she's leading two guys on at once, she somehow manages to be the victim. (But seriously, who is actually interested in this bitch?) Whether she's fucking up every song she sings or berating her boyfriend for liking Chris Brown's music, Marley is always being basic.

Basic bitch is such a broad term, and these five examples, while glowing, barely begin to provide an adequate definition. But it's a start, and I hope that y'all can now recognize the basic bitches in your own life and respond how you seem fit. Best of luck!

Throwback Thursday: Tommy Picks the Best of Glee, Season 2

It was all downhill from here.

Two months ago, I compiled a list of the top ten performances from the first season of Glee and expressed my sadness over its decline in quality. Season 2, while still miles ahead of what has since followed, marked the beginning of the end of Glee in terms of story quality. However, in my opinion, the season had the best music thus far. And Darren Criss, the best thing to happen to the show and life in general, joined the series this season as Blaine. So, yeah. Like a million bonus points. Let's see what made the cut in the Best of Glee, Season 2.

10. "Dog Days Are Over" by Tina, Mercedes, and the New Directions
Normally I run for the hills when I hear Tina is getting a solo or any unwarranted screen time. But I had nothing but love for her when she and Mercedes covered Florence + The Machine's "Dog Days Are Over". It's quite thematic for the band of underdogs, and it's more than appropriate that the two soloists are the group's unsung heroes.

9. "What I Did For Love" by Rachel
It's no secret I love me a dramatic Rachel duet. So fucking holler from left to right with "What I Did For Love", originally from the musical A Chorus Line.

8. "Friday" by Artie, Sam, and Puck
Leave it to Glee to take one of the worst songs that has ever been written and turn it into something great. Rebecca Black who?

7. "Forget You" by Holly
I'm usually not one for censored songs or Gwyneth Paltrow, but for whatever reason, both worked here. Substitute teacher Holly Holiday (Paltrow) shows the kids that glee club should be fun with her family-friendly rendition of Cee Lo Green's "Fuck You".

6. "Thriller/Heads Will Roll" by the New Directions
I think everybody on the planet cringed when they heard Glee would be tackling Michael Jackson's biggest hit. They threw up upon learning that it would be mashed-up with a relatively unknown song by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. But never underestimate the New Directions, because they proved nay-sayers wrong in one of their best performances of the season.

5. "Take Me or Leave Me" by Rachel and Mercedes
Mm, holler. If you know anything about me or this blog, you know that diva-offs are like CRACK. So when Rachel and Mercedes decided to settle their rivalry by singing Rent's "Take Me or Leave Me", the result was pure ecstacy.

4. "I Feel Pretty/Unpretty" by Rachel and Quinn
Quinn went the entire second season without a single solo. The closest she came was a duet with Rachel, but it was sure worth it. When Rachel contemplates getting a nose job, she asks Quinn to be model for her ideal look. And then they sang a sweet West Side Story/TLC mash-up that remains one of my favorites from the show overall.

3. "Toxic" by the New Directions
We all know I wasn't too receptive of either of Glee's tribute episodes to the great Britney Spears, but the one thing they didn't totally fuck up was their inventive arrangement of "Toxic". This is a must-hear if you're unfamiliar with it!

2. "Teenage Dream" by Blaine
There isn't a single thing about this that isn't FLAWLESS. I fucking love Blaine, I love Darren Criss, and I love Katy Perry, so this was orgasmic to me, and many others, I'm sure.

1. "Loser Like Me" by New Directions
The second season of Glee is so far the only one to feature original music. Most of these songs were either jokes ("Trouty Mouth") or throwaways ("Pretending"). But "Loser Like Me" does more than enough to prove how fun original songs can be. With themes of fighting for the underdog, this song is basically the anthem of the show and is super fun. It just had to be number one.

Musically, Glee was at its best in the second season, which made this list especially hard to compile; however, I'm fairly confident in my selections. Stay tuned for Season 3 some time down the line!

Bitch of the Week: Darren Criss

Bitchin' shades for a bitchin' Bitch of the Week.

The Bitch of the Week list is, contrary to what some basic and illiterate dumbasses think, an honor. It's an incredibly prestigious and selective collection of life's biggest badasses. God was having a good day when bitches like Jennie Garth, Kourtney Kardashian, and Chelsea Handler were born.

That said, every once in a while, even amongst the greatest bitches of all time and space, one individual somehow stands out. Darren Criss is that individual. And rather than attempt to fully articulate what makes him one of my personal favorite BOWs, I think it would be most effective to just list 'em. Let us count the ways.

• He makes Glee bearable. The show is currently a hot mess with a nice piece of eye candy who can sing like a canary. Without Darren, it would just be a hot mess.
• Every inch of him is perfection.
• He loves Disney, even enough to frequently cover "Part of Your World" at his concerts.
• He is incredibly generous with time when it comes to his fans.
• He's the mastermind behind the Harry Potter musical thing. Personally, dgaf. But it seems to bring people joy, so...
• He speaks Italian.
• He gave "Teenage Dream" new life.
• Before he was famous, he lived in San Francisco and Hawaii. And in case you're wondering, the ethnic combination that created his beauty is Chinese, Spanish, Filipino, and Irish.
• He does way more for the gay community that Chris Colfer (Kurt on Glee), who's actually gay.
• His talents are boundless. He plays basically every instrument and he's even on Broadway!
• He wears bow ties (only on Glee, but still). But he's a pretty swanky dresser in real life, too.
• He's not afraid to act a fool.
• He will star in Girl Most Likely with Kristen Wiig, which is like a wild fantasy come true.

If you're still not convinced...

How can you say no to this face?

Let's get some quotes up in this bitch, shall we?

• At the Deathly Hallows premiere: "There's been a terrible mistake. Someone really screwed up and let my nutty ass in here."
• On Kardashian Konfidential: "The Kardashians have a book? What the fuck?" (Clearly, he wasn't balking at the concept of the Kardashians as writers, but rather he was scandalized that he wasn't in the know about his fellow BOWs' projects.)
• On his amazing bod: "I feel bad for people who don't have my body."
• On the color purple: "Whether you're gay, straight, purple, orange, or dinosaur. I don't care."
• On... Well, I'm not sure: "Ahoy, everybody! Hello, um... This is Darren Criss and I just wanted to let you know that you're listening to... Fuck, what was it called?"

And there we have it. A bitch of a different hue. Don't worry, I'll resume to honoring classical bitches soon enough, but I felt like it was really important to get Darren Criss in on this action. Have a bitchin' weeking, everyone. And remember...

Throwback Thursday: Tommy Picks the Best of Glee, Season 1

The Glee cast back when the show wasn't a steaming pile of shit.

I haven't been shy about my flagging interest in Glee. Still, there are three things that keep me watching: (1) Darren Criss; (2) the plethora of bitchy characters; and (3) the music. I'll admit that they often perform songs too recent to be covered by anyone, and other times they just downright butcher classics. But this talented cast definitely has countless jams under its belt. I attempted to choose my favorite Glee songs of all time, but it just couldn't be done. So, here's the first installment: The Best of Glee, Season 1.
10. "I Say a Little Prayer" by Quinn
Everyone knows I have a soft spot for Quinn, so it's no wonder that her glee club debut landed her on this list. Though not the strongest singer of the bunch, Quinn never disappoints, as evidenced by her short but sweet rendition of "I Say a Little Prayer", complete with provocative dance moves and Santana and Brittany on back-up.

9. "Don't Stop Believing" by the New Directions
This is the anthem of life Glee. Performed in the pilot by the newly-formed New Directions, "Don't Stop Believing" is what launched the show into massive popularity, and held viewers over for the 4-month gap between the episode's original broadcast and the official start of the first season.

8. "Total Eclipse of the Heart" by Rachel, Finn, Puck, and Jesse
Remember when Rachel, who was bottom of McKinley High's barrel, somehow managed to juggle three guys at once? Yeah, I barely do, either. But that love-rectangle culminated in this ridiculous but super fun rendition of "Total Eclipse of the Heart".

7. "Take a Bow" by Rachel
For whatever reason, Glee decided early on that it was gonna cover Rihanna. I stifled my vomit, because I knew that they would out-perform that talentless cunt, no problem. And leave it to the great Lea Michele to sing the shit out of "Take a Bow". (Side note: You may not remember this song because it was before Rihanna became unbearably and whorishly present.)

6. "Alone" by Will and April
I know I'm not the only one who totally tunes out when Will Schuester sings. It's not that I don't like him, or that he's not talented, because he has a great voice. It's just because I usually don't give a fuck about what's going on with his life. That all changed when Kristen Chenoweth brought her skills to Glee as the hilarious but uber-talented April Rhodes. When they sang "Alone" at a karaoke bar, I was hooked.

5. "Halo/Walking on Sunshine" by the New Direction girls
Anybody who watches Glee knows that when they do mash-ups, it becomes LIFE. One of the very first mash-ups was of Beyoncé's "Halo" and the classic "Walking on Sunshine" by Katrina and the Waves, performed by the girls in a gender dispute. I can't remember who won the competition, but my vote goes to the ladies for this performance!

4. "Somebody to Love" by the New Directions
Back when Glee had group performances on the regular, they covered Queen's "Somebody to Love". Not only is it one of the best songs from the first season, but it's one of my favorite Glee songs of all time.

3. "Over the Rainbow" by Will
Keeping in mind what I just said about Will a few songs ago, it's a miracle that two of his performances have made it on this list. His rendition of "Over the Rainbow" was just beautiful, and the perfect cap to the first season.

2. "Don't Rain on My Parade" by Rachel
It's no secret I'm a huge Lea Michele fan and that I love me some Rachel solos. I had to limit myself to only a handful on this list, but there was no way "Don't Rain on My Parade" wouldn't make the cut. The song captures Lea in all her glory, and it's what won the glee club sectionals in the first season. Holla!

1. "Like a Prayer" by the New Directions
In their very first tribute episode, Glee performed some of Madonna's biggest hits. The episode is definitely amongst the show's best, and they managed to take the so-called Queen of Pop's songs and make them better. This is especially true for their rendition of "Like a Prayer", a song I personally had to analyze to hell in a class on religion in pop culture. But that's another story.

With over 100 songs performed in the first season alone, picking the top ten was definitely a challenge. I know you totally agree with my choices. Stay tuned for the second and third seasons!

25 Days of Christmas #25: "O Holy Night" by Lea Michele

Merry Christmas, everyone! I've saved the best for last in our 25 Days of Christmas countdown. This is, hands down, my favorite rendition of my favorite holiday song. Listen to Lea Michele, who has the voice of an angel, perform "O Holy Night". (It's more like, "O Holy Shit she has a good voice," am I right?)

25 Days of Christmas #16: "Hanukkah, Oh Hanukkah" by Mark Salling and Jacob Artist

This one's for the Jews! To commemorate the last day of Hanukkah, I thought it'd be fun to celebrate with a song that throws it back to the Old Testament. I didn't really know any besides the whole "dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made it out of clay" diddy and ain't nobody got time for that. Luckily, the Glee cast and their constant need to be progressive and inclusive always comes through for me. "Hanukkah, Oh Hanukkah" is too much fun and just makes you want to dance! Performed by Mark Salling and Jacob Artist, who portray Jewish half-brothers Puck and Jake, here's the Glee version of the Hebrew jingle. Mazel tov!

25 Days of Christmas #15: "Silent Night" by Naya Rivera

Once again, the Glee cast knows what up. In what's one in like a bajillion songs about the day Jesus was born (I know, it's called Christmas for a reason, but we fucking get it already), "Silent Night"is the perfect song for anybody to show off their vocal chops, and that's exactly what Naya Rivera, who plays Bitch of the Week Santana Lopez on the show, does in her rendition from the cast's most recent holiday album! It ain't a silent night up in herr!

25 Days of Christmas #11: "Christmas Wrapping" by Heather Morris

There's nothing I love more than a good pun, which is why the rap song "Christmas Wrapping" is too much fun. (Get it? Wrapping... rapping. Lol!) The song was written soon after the birth of New Wave music and is probably the only holiday song of that genre. Originally performed by the Waitresses, I decided I needed to remain true to Heather Morris, one member of the ever-versatile Glee cast. Enjoy her rendition of "Christmas Wrapping" from the show's second Christmas album.

25 Days of Christmas #4: "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" by the Glee Gals

On the fourth day of Christmas, I bring to you the first traditional song in the countdown: "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen". The song is old as dirt and is totally boring. BUT NOT WHEN GLEE DOES IT. Like many things in life, the Christmas Carol is much better once Lea Michele and company get their hands on it!

Bitch of the Week: Santana Lopez

If I were her, I'd throw slushies at
people too.

Glee has no shortage of bitches. From cruel coach Sue Sylvester to the selfish and vain Quinn Fabray, you can't throw a rock out a damn window at McKinley High without hitting a tried and true bitch. However, the bitchiest bitch of them all, and therefore the best one suited for Bitch of the Week, is Santana Lopez.

Santana is about as ghettoliciously bitchy as it gets. She explained her upbringing beautifully: "I'm from Lima Heights, I was raised on insults. That's how my abuela puts me to sleep at night, and she was not a nice lady. Did you know she tried to sell me once? And it wasn't until I got to kindergarten that I learned my name wasn't Garbage Face." Perhaps one day I'll write a dissertation on how bitchiness is hereditary, but for now, this will do.

In the beginning of the series, Santana was a bitchy cheerleader who, alongside Coach Sue, Quinn, and Brittany, plots to take down the glee club. But just because she was part of a four-woman conspiracy doesn't mean Santana didn't have her own agenda. The audience got their first taste of true bitch when Santana stole Puck from Quinn after some steaming sexting. ("Sexting?" Quinn asked. "Sexy texting!" Santana explained. "Seriously, what era are you from?")

Eventually, it came time to destroy the relationship between the glee co-captains, innocent but self-absorbed Rachel and dim-witted Finn, because if their romance crumbled, so would the entire club. Taking a page from the ultimate bitch's handbook, Santana decided to seduce Finn. "Everything about you screams 'virgin,'" she tells him. "You're about as sexy as a Cabbage Patch Kid. It's exhausting to look at you." When Santana wasn't busy plotting, she was keeping up with her daily bitchery, usually by harassing Rachel about her wardrobe and calling her Yentl, dwarf, midget, or whatever other fun nickname popped into her head. #inspiration

A Bitch and a Blonde.

As the series progressed, Santana was truly a bitch in heat, unable to remain celibate for long. She and Brittany embarked on a fling, and although Brittany wanted something more, Santana was in it purely for the sex. "I'm like a lizard. I need something warm beneath me or else I can't digest my food."

However, it wasn't until the writers began peeling back the many layers of Santana when I finally truly understood her and related to her. In a second season episode, she confessed: "I just try to be really, really honest with people when I think that they suck! You know? No one gets it." THANK YOU. Omg, welcome to the club! It's not our fault people can't handle the truth! Santana's allegiance to the truth can best be summed up in her quote from the episode "Born This Way":

Hold up, could we all just get real here for a second? I hear that Rachel has a bit of a schnoz. I mean I wouldn't know because like Medusa I try to avoid eye contact with her. But can we all just stop lying about how there aren't things we don't want to change about ourselves? I'm sure that Sam has been at the doctor's office and riffled through pamphlets on mouth reductions. I'll bet Artie's thought about getting his legs removed since he's not really using them anyway. And I'm definitely sure Tina has looked into getting an eye de-slanting.

Sorry haters can't handle her spilling some mad truth tea, okay!

Shit gets real when Santana starts coming to terms with her feelings for Brittany. "The only straight I am is straight up bitch." #holler While the two enjoy a steady relationship, Santana never let her personal happiness eclipse her responsibility of destroying the happiness of those around her.

As with most things Glee-related, Santana isn't as fun as she used to be. Hell, now that she's in college, she's barely on the show! But she will forever remain one of the bitchiest TV characters of all time. Love her!

Glee's Britney Spears Tribute: Britney 2.0? More Like Britney 2.No Thank You!

It's Britney, bitch.

Britney Spears evokes many different connotations, from queen of pop to mentally unstable hasbeen and everything in between. But to me, the legendary Miss Britney Spears means only one thing: God. That is why I was so incredibly appalled by Glee's latest tribute episode to the pop star.

The episode, entitled "Britney 2.0", focuses on Brittany (Heather Morris) losing her way and subsequently attempting to make a comeback, much like her idol Britney Spears. The episode's plotline paralleled Britney's highly publicized breakdown and included jabs at the infamous head-shaving incident and disastrous 2007 MTV Video Music Awards performance, among other gems from Britney's colorful past in the limelight. They made a complete mockery of her, taking cheap and easy shots at the lowest point in her life all the while failing to express the fragility, confusion, and vulnerability the singer was experiencing at the time.

As if that wasn't enough, the episode featured eight of Britney's hits, and only three of them were done well. Morris completely butchered "Gimme More" and "Hold It Against Me" by trying to replicate Britney's sound rather than make the songs her own. The result is one not unlike karaoke day at your local middle school. The acoustic rendition of "3" had potential until Tina (Jenna Ushkowitz) opened her mouth and decided not to hit a single note. She also tainted "Womanizer" with her vocals for absolutely no apparent reason other than to piss off anyone with ears. Show of hands: who actually wanted to hear Tina sing? Yeah, I didn't think so. She can stay silent in the background where she belongs.

Perhaps the most heinous performance was "Everytime", my personal Britney favorite. The song was performed by newbie Marly Rose (Melissa Benoist), who sings the lamenting ballad after ending a relationship with another new character that literally lasted half an episode. Why, please, was my favorite song wasted on a plotline about two characters I don't give a flying fuck about? What's worse is Benoist has absolutely no talent or conviction and is totally boring to watch and listen to. As far as I'm concerned, that Lea Michele wannabe bitch can sway in the background with Tina.

Luckily, the episode was somewhat redeemed with its covers of "Boys" and "(You Drive Me) Crazy", which were mashed up to unexpectedly great results with Justin Bieber's "Boyfriend" and Aerosmith's "Crazy", respectively. But the best performance, hands down, was the slinky rendition of "Oops! I Did It Again", performed by the always enjoyable Lea Michele, whom I commend for reminding everyone that you don't have to be pretty to be sexy! As a matter of fact, I've been listening to that shit on repeat while writing this. Watch the performance below and judge for yourself. If you didn't enjoy it, you didn't watch it right.

Maybe I'm being a little harsh, but Glee's egregious tribute to Britney wouldn't have been so problematic had it been the first tribute episode to Britney the show completely fucked up. Back in 2010, there was an episode entitled "Britney/Brittany", which was all about the Brittany character seeking inspiration from Britney. This episode benefited from Britney's involvement, who made various cameos hollering all over the screen and whatnot, and basically kissed her ass, which I appreciated. However, when they only performed five songs from Britney's extensive catalog (including "Me Against the Music" ... WTF?!) and decided to end the episode with Paramore's "Only Exception", I flipped a bitch. Who the FUCK wants to hear a Paramore song in a Britney-themed episode? Who the fuck wants to hear a Paramore song, period? "Not I," said basically everyone who saw the episode.

At the end of the day, Glee has really fallen by the wayside and is only a pale version of witty, charming beast it once was. Now, the franchise is overexposed and its audience is shrinking. The show can't afford to rip on people like Britney, especially not twice. Obviously, this is a sensitive topic for me, but I think my thoughts can be summed up best by Britney Spears herself.

Bravo! Couldn't have said it better myself.