This or That: Beverly Hills, 90210 vs. Melrose Place

They even wore opposing colors.

 My obsession with Beverly Hills, 90210 and its subsequent spin-offs is hardly a secret. It's one of the most beautiful television franchises in history. And it's probably not a coincidence that its two best series, the original 90210 and its first spin-off Melrose Place, aired together in the 90s. Though they shared the same universe, the shows were vastly difference, so much so that they were constantly pitted against one another during their original broadcasts. This leaves us with one question: Which is better? Once again, Tommy Time's This or That is on the case.

Giving Credit Where Credit is Due

Beverly Hills, 90210 is the foundation of the entire franchise. Story-wise, if Kelly didn't get involved with an older man who lived in an apartment complex off of Melrose Avenue, there wouldn't have been a spin-off. Melrose Place owes BH90210 its life. Not only that, but the parent show revitalized the teen drama, showcasing adolescence in a realistic yet dramatic way never before seen on television, and was one of the first high school centric series to successfully transition into the college years. Melrose Place took a different tonal route (which I'll discuss later), but it didn't do anything that prior primetime soaps like Dallas didn't before it.

Awards and accolades

Neither show reaped up a plethora of awards, and both were snubbed by the Emmys. However, 90210 was nominated for 4 Golden Globes (2 for Best TV Drama and 2 for Jason Priestley as Best TV Drama Actor) while Heather Locklear and Laura Leighton were nominated a total of 5 times for their Melrose performances.

In 2007, Entertainment Weekly named 90210 the #20 classic in the new TV era, with Melrose trailing in at #51. The magazine also named the 90210 theme song as one of television's best and the guys' sideburns as one of the best pop culture fashion trends; Melrose failed to make either list. Both shows made an impact on TV, but it's clear that this round goes to 90210!

Just the numbers

90210 ran for an astounding 10 seasons; Melrose ran for 7. And while Melrose outperformed 90210 during the 1996-1997 broadcast season, it was the latter that won in the ratings. Additionally, the 90210 reboot lasted 5 seasons; Melrose's reboot was cancelled after just one. Without question, 90210 wins this round!

Star power

90210 took a bunch of unknown actors and turned them into superstars. Jason Priestley and Luke Perry were teen heartthrobs while Shannen Doherty, Jennie Garth, and Tori Spelling were notable tabloid fixtures. Along with co-stars Brian Austin Green, Tiffani-Amber Thiessen, and Hilary Swank, the West Bev alums are still household names.

Melrose didn't have nearly as much luck. Heather Locklear was already at the top of her game when she joined the cast, but only Marcia Cross and Kristen Davis emerged from the series with a notability that they still keep to some degree. Clearly, Melrose has nothing on the 9-0 zip. This round goes to 90210!

Quality

Both shows may have shared the same universe, but they couldn't have been more different. 90210 tended to have better performances and stayed as true to reality as it could; the rare outlandish plotline was more than compensated by amazing character development and a strong sense of continuity. Melrose is one of the soapiest shows I've seen. It's crazy storylines never serviced the characters but rather sought to jolt the audience. Different strokes for different folks, but I say this round goes to 90210!

Well, wow (as Amanda Bynes would say in reference to a hair cape). It sure looks like Melrose Place struck out, huh? Well, unlike previous This or Thats, there are no losers here. Both shows are amazing, but 90210 is just superior. If you haven't, I encourage you to watch both series. It's only 17 years worth of television. Totally doable.

A Look Back on 90210: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

The Class of Beverly Hills.

Tonight, 90210 airs its final episode, thus officially closing the book on its five-year run. The show, a reboot of the original and far superior Beverly Hills, 90210, was once the CW's flagship program, but has spent the last two years just flagging. Join me as I bid farewell to everybody's favorite zip code and take a look back on every aspect of a show past its prime: the good, the bad, and ugly.

The Good

United they stand. Unlike its parent series, 90210 managed to keep its core gang together for the entire series. Early reports of on-set squabbles proved to be false, as the cast got along just as well as their onscreen counterparts. Seems like they learned from Shannen Doherty's mistakes.

Devious bitches. Catty backstabbers were a dime a dozen in Beverly Hills. Adrianna (Jessica Lowndes), Naomi (AnnaLynne McCord), Jen (Sara Foster), and Vanessa (Arielle Kebbel) are just a few 90210 vixens who did whatever it took to get what they want.

Blasts from the past. 90210 wasn't shy about delving into the franchise's DNA. Not only was main character Silver (Jessica Stroup) introduced in the original series as an infant, but Jennie Garth, Shannen Doherty, Tori Spelling, Anne Gillespie, and Joe E. Tata all reprised their famous roles, giving us updates on all the shit that went down in the 8-year gap between series.

Three's a crowd. While no love triangle will ever beat the notorious decade-long Brenda/Dylan/Kelly saga, the new 90210 came close several times, most notably with Adrianna/Navid/Silver. Adrianna and Navid (Michael Steger) were a considerably stable couple for the first three seasons until Silver intervened. What followed was a year of pill-swapping, baby-stealing, trash-talking rivalry. That's some juicy dramz and that shit gets the Tommy Time seal of approval.

The Beverly Hills of Tomorrow. The original series may have touched upon the social issues like racism, antisemitism, and homophobia, but its core cast almost exclusively belonged to the straight, white, Christian majority. The new series was considerably more progressive: Dixon (Tristan Wilds) was black; Navid represented the large Persian population of the real-world Beverly Hills; and Teddy (Trevor Donovan) came out as gay after a lifetime of womanizing. They even had a Wiccan in Ivy (Gillian Zinser)!

The Bad

No parents? No problem! In the series' early days, the parents played an integral role in its storylines. However, slowly but surely, they began to disappear. Some died, some fled the country, and some were simply just negligent. Moving to Paris was another popular parental method of exit.

Everybody's famous, rich, and successful. These kids sure took advantage of living in the city of angels. Before their 21st birthdays, the gang achieved a level of success everybody else could only dream of. Annie (Shenae Grimes) inherited an actress' entire estate, established a charity, and became a best-selling author. Dixon was a much buzzed-about music producer who set up his own record label. Naomi became a high-profile event planner and the local press's "Beverly Hills bad girl." Liam had a successful stint as a model and action movie star after running a bar at age 18. Even Ivy was so talented a surfer that she was being solicited to go tour the world.

The most indulgent, however, was Adrianna, who started the series as a former child star and struggling actress, became a pop singer, then got a reality show after the world discovered she stole her songs from her dead partner. Then she became a country singer, then a pop star again, then a songwriter, and now she's a pop star again. What have you done with your life?

Silver gets cancer, so she decides to have a baby. Perhaps the most ludicrous storyline is one in which Silver discovers that she has a cancer gene and will need to have her ovaries removed. At the ripe age of 19, she decides to have a baby, because it's now or never. Over a season later, we've seen her struggle to find a donor, almost lose ownership of her eggs, and deal with one bitch of a surrogate, but there's still no baby.

Special Guest Star [fill in the blank]. The CW seemed to love shelling out money for random-ass celebrities to hit up the 90210. Kim and Khloé Kardashian, Nelly, Snoop Dogg, Joe Jonas, LaToya Jackson, Taio Cruz, Olly Murs, Tegan and Sara, Sammy Adams, Denise Richards, and Rita Ora are just a few of the renowned actors to appear on the show.

Back in style. I'm all for paying homage to the original 90210, but the CW reboot often took it too far, creating near carbon copies of storylines from the original series. For example, Dixon's gambling problem was identical to Brandon's (Jason Priestley), and Naomi unknowingly got herself inducted in a cult just like Kelly did.

The Ugly
  
Naomi's crying face.

Clearly, each episode of 90210 is hit or miss. I'm surprised that a show that does as much wrong as it does right has stayed on the air for so long, but I've truly enjoyed these past five years of fuckery. It it with a bittersweet heart that I say goodbye to Beverly Hills. RIP 90210.

PS I'll take the Beverly Hills, 90210 20-year high school reunion special now plzzz.

Tommy Picks 7 Women Who Should've Been Desperate Housewives

Who should join the ranks?

Nearly a year has passed since Desperate Housewives went off the air and we were forced to say goodbye to Wisteria Lane forever. Susan, Lynette, Bree, and Gabrielle brought plenty of laughs and dramz to the neighborhood for eight seasons, but there was always a revolving door of fifth housewives. And while Edie, Katherine, and the like were great supporting housewives, I always thought there were some missed opportunities for some of television's soapiest, bitchiest women to strut their stuff on Wisteria Lane. Let's discuss this, shall we?

Susan Lucci

• Known for: Her long stint as Erica Kane on All My Children, a character TV Guide named the most famous in soap opera history.
• What she did instead: Spent 31 years on All My Children.
• Ideal role: An actress past her prime who returns to her roots in Fairview.

Heather Locklear

• Known for: Her critically acclaimed performance of the devious Amanda Woodward on Melrose Place, which also starred Marcia Cross (Bree) and Doug Savant (Tom).
• What she did instead: Co-starred in a Hilary Duff movie and generally became a boozy, pill-popping hot mess.
• Ideal role: Karl Mayer's new wife. The couple moves to the Lane and she becomes one of the girls, despite initial tension with Susan.
• Bonus: Heather was originally under consideration for the role of Susan.

Brooke Shields

• Known for: Sort of being an actress and having a weird-ass friendship with Michael Jackson.
• What she did instead: Starred in Lipstick Jungle and played Hannah Montana's dead mom in a few episodes of the Disney sitcom.
• Ideal role: Bob and Lee's trashy live-in surrogate.

Lucy Liu

• Known for: Her role as the ill-tempered Ling Woo on Ally McBeal.
• What she did instead: Flopped around from show to show and lent her voice to the Tinkerbell movies.
• Ideal role: Wisteria Lane's only Asian housewife whose family is at the center of the show's yearly mystery.

Jennie Garth

• Known for: Bitching it up for ten years as Kelly Taylor on Beverly Hills, 90210.
• What she did instead: Starred in What I Like About You, reprised her famous role for the 90210 reboot, and appeared in a Lifetime movie about AIDS.
• Ideal role: An uptight soccer mom who manages to make enemies with all of the women.

Laura Leighton

• Known for: Her memorable portrayal of brat-turned-vixen Sydney Andrews on both Melrose Place series.
• What she did instead: Played a mom on Pretty Little Liars.
• Ideal role: Bree's sister who moves to the hood and brings with her a dark secret about their family.
• Bonus: Laura is married to Doug Savant in real life, so it would've been an MP/real-life family reunion.

Betty White

• Known for: Being a television legend (The Mary Tyler Moore Show, Golden Girls) and an all-around bitchin' old lady.
• What she did instead: What didn't she do?
• Ideal role: Mrs. McCluskey's mother, the only woman who could out-sass her daughter.
• Bonus: Desperate Housewives creator Marc Cherry was a writer and producer on Golden Girls.

Cunt of the Week: Shannen Doherty

You can take the girl out of Beverly Hills... And then you realize she
shouldn't have ever been there in the first place.

As Jennie Garth was Tommy Time's first ever Bitch of the Week, it seems only appropriate that I give her ultimate foe, Shannen Doherty, Cunt of the Week. And oh is ShanDo a cunt. Her first major act of cuntitude is her name. An E and no O's? Mm. But it wasn't until the 1990s, when she was cast as Brenda Walsh in Beverly Hills, 90210, that the name Shannen Doherty became a household synonym with "major cunt-ass bitch." (Imagine the fun you could have by telling someone you hate that he/she is such a Shannen Doherty, and they would have no idea what you were talking about!)

Shannen's time as Brenda Walsh, who was a cunt in her own right, lasted only four seasons. By this time, everybody was sick and tired of her bullshit. Her inflated ego took a blow when the Walsh-centric drama was revamped into an ensemble teen drama and she was forced to share the spotlight with the supporting cast. She didn't hold back when it came to expressing her dissatisfaction.

The increased focus on the ensemble cast strained Shannen's already-tumultuous relationships with her co-stars, particularly Jennie. The girls' feud was notorious, and according to Tori Spelling, they frequently fought over wardrobe and even got into a fist fight once. Think Jennie's just as much to blame? She's not. Shannen was also known to argue with Gabrielle Carteris and break into Jason Priestley's dressing room. On one occasion, she allegedly crashed a car on set and blamed it on Ian Ziering. Even her on-screen boyfriend Luke Perry allegedly requested to work with Shannen as little as possible. Shannen had shown her true cunting colors and everybody hated her, as they should. So after she rebelliously cut her hair mid-episode, thus throwing off continuity, nobody spoke up when Aaron Spelling decided to fire her.

All of this was in ADDITION to Shannen's other monumental personal problems, including frequent and fleeting engagements, a secret and bizarre last-minute marriage, bar fights, evictions, a lawsuit for bouncing over 70 checks, and accusations from a former fiancé that the actress held him at gunpoint and threatened to hire men to sodomize him in her front yard.

Shannen was universally hated, on and off-screen, and her career took a hit. In quite possibly his biggest regret, however, Aaron Spelling gave her a second chance and cast the troubled cunt in his supernatural series Charmed. But it seems like Shannen didn't learn her lesson, because she began duking it out with co-star Alyssa Milano right off the bat. In 2001, after three seasons of on-set drama, Alyssa reportedly threatened to quit unless Shannen was fired. Guess who came out the victor of that ultimatum? That's right: Alyssa. Once again, Shannen was packing her proverbial bags and was on her way out of another Spelling Production.

Since then, Shannen seems to have cleaned up her act. She has admitted to being a pain to work with, and for instigating most of the on-set tension with her co-stars. Still, her career is practically non-existent. While she reprised her role as Brenda Walsh for a season of the new 90210 fourteen years after getting fired from the original show, she's basically been reduced to a part-time reality star who makes television movies called Gretly: The Witch Hunter. So, just let that sink in.

No matter what she does now, ShanDo will never be able to undo over a decade's worth of cuntitude. If there's a lesson to be learned in all of this, it's that you should never go up against Jennie Garth. You will lose and your life will be ruined.

20 Things You Didn't Know About Beverly Hills, 90210

This reeks of 90s.

1. Beverly Hills, 90210 was originally titled The Class of Beverly Hills. That shit just ain't catchy, and now 90210 is the most-recognized zip code by both Americans and foreigners.
2. Jennie Garth was the first actor cast in the series, landing the role of the spoiled and beautiful Kelly Taylor after five auditions. (Bullshit! Bitch should've gotten it when she walked through the door!)
3. Despite urban myth to the contrary, Tori Spelling insists that producers were well aware that she was the daughter of series creator Aaron Spelling when she auditioned, though she did use a fake name in hopes of avoiding special treatment. Tori originally tried out for the role of Kelly, but was instead cast as Donna, a role specifically created for her. When the series began, she only had a few lines per episode. It wasn't until the second season that audiences were subjected to her so-called acting.
4. Luke Perry, who originally auditioned for the role of Steve Sanders, was cast as Dylan McKay for a two-episode arc. Aaron Spelling liked him so much that he made Luke a series regular, despite the Fox network's reluctance.
5. Beverly Hills High School would not allow the show to use its name or location, thus producers created West Beverly High and filmed at Torrance High School, which was also used for Buffy the Vampire Slayer, She's All That, and Bring It On. Filming for the exterior scenes of the fictional California University took place at Occidental College.
6. Originally, the family-oriented drama depicted twins Brandon (Jason Priestley) and Brenda Walsh (Shannen Doherty) and their parents as they adjusted to the move from Minnesota to Beverly Hills, and each episode was a sort of a lesson of the week. Midway through the first season, however, the show began targeting a younger audience and focused more on the twins' group of friends. The first of these teen-driven episodes aired in February 1991, when other networks had suspended creative programming to cover the Gulf War. (At the time, Fox didn't have a news department. Wish they still didn't!) The show's new tone compounded with the temporary elimination of its competition led to a surge in ratings.
7. Starting with the second season, Fox capitalized on the show's success and ordered extended seasons of the show, airing as many 32 episodes per season instead of the traditional 22-24. Beverly Hills, 90210 often aired summer episodes, which no other show at the time was doing, thus attracting even more viewers. By this time, the show had solidified itself as a youth-driven soap opera, forever abandoning the original family-friendly concept.
8. Douglas Emerson, who portrayed Scott Scalon, was the first actor to be let go from the series. Both he and Brian Austin Green portrayed dorky underclassmen, but only Green caught the producers' eyes and received real storylines and more screentime. Emerson's character was killed off in the second season, a decision that reportedly stemmed from the network pressuring producers to cut costs.
9. Both Aaron Spelling and the Fox network wanted to make the high school years last as long as possible. Though the characters refer to themselves as juniors in the first season, the second season later became their official junior year, and from then on, the first season was retconned as sophomore year. Much to Spelling and Fox's chagrin, executive producer Charles Rosin constructed the third season as senior year in real time (college applications in the fall, prom in the spring, etc.). It wasn't until he agreed to send the characters to the same college that Spelling and Fox stopped protesting the transition out of high school.
10. Though Shannen Doherty's highly publicized personal troubles and onset squabbles with her costars, particularly Jennie Garth, are often cited for reasons behind her getting fired at the end of the fourth season, producer Larry Mollin says that the straw that broke the camel's back was when she cut her hair halfway through filming the season finale, thus throwing off the continuity of the scenes that had already been shot. At the cast's urging, Aaron Spelling released Shannen from her contract, though he later cast her in Charmed, from which she was also fired.
11. Tiffani Amber Thiessen, who joined the cast as Valerie following Shannen's departure, was dating Brian Austin Green at the time. Brian was not happy about the casting, as Thiessen's promiscuous character was often getting it on with the other male cast members. Several actresses were offered the role of Valerie, including Alicia Silverstone and Drew Barrymore. All I can say is praise Baby Jesus that Drew fucking Barrymore wasn't available to mumble Valerie's lines out her side mouth.
12. The gang's hangout spot, a diner called the Peach Pit, is modeled after the Apple Pan, an actual restaurant located in West Los Angeles.
13. Gabrielle Carteris was 29 when she was cast to play 16-year-old Andrea Zuckerman. When bitch got knocked up, reluctant producers had no choice but to write the pregnancy into the script. By this time, the age difference between Gabrielle and her co-stars was becoming increasingly apparent. Additionally, producers weren't satisfied with the performance of Mark Damon Espinoza, who played Jesse, Andrea's baby daddy. For these reasons, neither actor's contract was renewed after the fifth season.
14. Aaron Spelling was incredibly dedicated to protecting Tori's reputation, and by extension, the Donna character's as well. For this reason, Donna remained a virgin until her college graduation in the seventh season, despite the fact that Tori was a noTORIous slut behind the scenes. Additionally, audiences wrote in and called the character an idiot for staying with an abusive boyfriend, Ray (Jamie Walters), in the fifth and sixth seasons. Though Jamie was signed for an additional year on the series and the writers had planned to redeem his character, Aaron demanded that he be written off as soon as possible in order to protect Donna's character.
15. Dylan's father, Jack McKay (Josh Taylor), was killed off in a car explosion in the third season, but the scene was shot in a way so that the revelation of his survival could be used later on. However, Luke Perry left the show in the sixth season and the storyline was delayed until he returned at the end of the series. By this time, none of the writers who had implemented the original plot were on staff and the "Jack McKay is back from the dead" storyline was butchered and contradicted earlier events in the series.
16. The Brenda/Dylan/Kelly love triangle is one of the show's most iconic storylines and one of the most apparent. It spanned the entire ten seasons of the series, even after Doherty and Perry's departures, and continued into the current CW reboot.
17. While Shannen Doherty's departure led to a mild ratings decrease, it wasn't until both Jason Priestly and Tiffani Amber Thiessen left during the ninth season that the show experienced a major blow to its viewership, prompting Fox to make the tenth season its last.
18. By the end of the series, Jennie Garth, Ian Ziering, Brian Austin Green, and Tori Spelling were the only remaining members of the original cast. However, not a single actor appeared in all 296 episodes of the series.
19. Among the various Beverly Hills, 90210 spin-offs, Melrose Place (1992-1999) is the most famous. Its drastic and soapy tone proved immensely popular, and it overtook its parent series in success for most of its run. The show cemented Heather Locklear's status as a television superstar, and launched the careers of other actors, including Marcia Cross, who later brought her own brand of OCD craziness to Wisteria Lane on Desperate Housewives.
20. In 2008, 90210 premiered on The CW. The show is a reboot of the original and focuses on a new generation of West Beverly (and later, California University) students. One character, Erin Silver (Jessica Stroup), appears in the original series as the toddler half-sister to Kelly (Garth) and David (Green). Additionally, Garth, Doherty, and Spelling have all reprised their roles on the show. But besides a few characters and half a title, the new show has little in common with Beverly Hills, 90210. Seriously, watching them is like night and day.

The Cult of the Frenemy

We love them. We hate them. We all have them.

Who else could I be talking about other than the frenemy? A frenemy, for those basic bitches who don't know, is that one friend you want to kill but tolerate for whatever reason. The best frenemyships have a wicked sense of rivalry as well. Biffles one minute, mortal enemies the next. It's a beautiful thing. Let's look at some examples, shall we?

Who wore it best? The answer is neither, but let's just say
Kelly because she didn't wear the fugly gloves.

5. Brenda Walsh and Kelly Taylor
Imagine you've just moved to Beverly Hills from Bumfuck, Minnesota and instantly befriend the most popular girl in school. Sounds too good to be true, right? It is. Brenda Walsh learned that life just isn't that easy in Beverly Hills, 90210. She became fast friends with Kelly Taylor, who wasn't outwardly bitchy but definitely showed little to no consideration for others. Pretty soon, however, their friendship took a sour turn and evolved into frenemyhood.

Whether she's leaving Brenda stranded at the beach without a ride or sleeping with her boyfriend, Kelly proved that she truly dgafed when it came to her friend's feelings. That's not to say Brenda is innocent. She took a serious toll on Kelly just by being her gross, obnoxious self, and commented on how stuck-up and spoiled Kelly was on a near-episodic basis. Despite the constant downs, the girls remained friends, even in the 90210 reboot, on which they also continued arguing.

Brenda and Kelly's frenemyhood is unique, however, because the characters were played by real-life frenemies Shannen Doherty and Bitch of the Year Jennie Garth. It's common knowledge that the actresses did not get along, but since then, they've each individually stated that they've "renewed" their friendship and got along "most" of the time on set. We all know that ain't true. #TeamJennie

Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and
your frenemies as close as possible.

4. Judy Garland and Lana Turner
Proving that this phenomenon is as old as time, Judy Garland and Lana Turner began their frenemyship in the dark ages of the 1930s. Both actresses were signed to MGM as teenagers and were forced to deal with one another 24/7, whether they were working on a film together or not. By most accounts, they got along fairly well and there was little animosity. There was, however, some mad jealousy on JGar's part. Judy, openly criticized for her looks, was forever branded the platonic girl next door and was given roles that suited this image. Meanwhile, the beautiful Lana was lionized into a sex symbol.

Judy had a major inferiority complex when it came to Lana, which was only fueled by the men they shared. Lana had an affair with their mutual costar, Mickey Rooney, for whom Judy had strong feelings. Later, Lana eloped unexpectedly with Judy's boyfriend, bandleader Artie Shaw. A regular friendship would have ended by this point. However, like true frenemies, the women remained friends for the remainder of their lives, even though Lana's beauty withstood the test of time while Judy became considerably more trollish. If there's something to be learned here, it's that good-looking people really do have it better. Good news for me!

3. Angelica Pickles and Susie Carmichael
In her Bitch of the Week article, I detailed why Angelica Pickles is just the most. Good girl Susie Carmichael from down the street couldn't keep up, so they could never be friends. They could, however, be frenemies. No longer babies, but far away from the world of adulthood, the 3-year-olds were constantly forced to be with one another at neighborhood gatherings, pre-school, etc. Angelica and Susie turned everything into a competition, even winning the loyalty of the babies. Because Angelica's only skill was her bitchery, she often lost. But she always put up a good fight! And what's important is that the girls remained friends, as seen in the atrocious Rugrats spin-off All Grown Up.

For more on Angelica and Susie's frenemyship, watch this short yet amazing clip from The Rugrats Movie.

2. Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian
There are no better frenemies than those that are also famous socialites. This scientifically proven fact is perhaps best illustrated by Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian. There was a time when the girls were just friends, but that was back when Paris was the iconic blonde of her generation and Kim hadn't yet learned how to pluck her eyebrows.

Paris made a rookie mistake of teaching Kim her ways. Once Kim's sex tape was floating around the internet, her star shined even brighter than Paris' when she made the same move. Kim then hollered with a reality show, the famed Keeping Up with the Kardashians, just as Paris had done with The Simple Life. The difference? Kim was smart and enlisted her family as her costars. Paris went with the unreliable selection of another frenemy, Nicole Richie, so it's no wonder that didn't last long. The golden rule of frenemyhood is never work with a frenemy. #duh

The joke is on Paris, however. Between a clothing store chain, countless perfumes, 4 reality shows, a 72-day marriage, and a much-hyped-about baby on the way, Kim is far more famous and overexposed than Paris ever was. The two debutantes still claim to be on good terms with one another, except for occasional hijinks, like the time Paris said Kim had a butt like cottage cheese.

Delusions of grandeur: one of the warning signs of a frenemy.

Frenemies may also have
homosexual tendencies.

1. Serena Van Der Woodsen and Blair Waldorf
No show in the history of television has better demonstrated the cult of the frenemy better than Gossip Girl, which basically chronicles the frenemyship of Upper East Side teens Serena Van Der Woodsen and Blair Waldorf. The former breezes through life despite her attempts to rehabilitate* her image; the latter is a narcissist who works for everything she gets. The two couldn't be more unalike, and therefore could never be just plain ol' friend friends. Thus, they were frenemies!

The show begins with Serena returning from a year of boarding school, during which time she chose to cut off all contact with Blair and their friends. Naturally, Blair took over as the "it" girl and head bitch in their social circle and was none-too-pleased that Serena had made a comeback. What ensued was six years of the most beautiful frenemyship known to man. As friends, they supported one another unconditionally, helped the other achieve her goals, and schemed to take down mutual foes. As enemies, they fought over boys, social status, and loyalty. In some of their best arguments, they attempted the thwart the other's chances at getting into college, and at one point Blair even banished Serena from New York City when S refused to rekindle their friendship.

* Perhaps a poor choice of words, given that she's a fucking coke addict.

So there you have it. Five flawless examples of frenemies. We can learn something from each of these dynamic duos, because we all have frenemies. If you think you don't, you're either delusional as fuck or just plain stupid. Either way, you're screwed because you don't know how to handle LIFE.

2012: A Year in Review

Only three months young, Tommy Time has succeeded in becoming, in short, the bee's knees. I'll continue to treat its short time online as an entire year as I review the blog's triumphs in 2012. First, without further ado, the recipients of the Jam of the Year, Cunt of the Year, and Bitch of the Year awards, as voted by you!

Jam of the Year

For nearly three years, Ke$ha has been inspiring us to live life, drink Jack Daniels, and deck ourselves in glitter. In her latest smash hit, she reminds us to make the most of the present as if we're gonna die young. Given that we just survived a Mayan apocalypse, I can think of no better song worthy of Jam of the Year than "Die Young".

Cunt of the Year

 

Because the possession of cuntitude is only achieved by the world's most depraved, unstable individuals, it truly is hard to single out any one cunt. They're truly in a degenerate league of their own. You, my faithful readers, understand this, as you've selected not one, but TWO Cunts of the Year: Rihanna and Taylor Swift. We can only hope this isn't a sign that they will join forces and make 2013 a living hell for everyone.

Bitch of the Year

 

Best known for playing the fictional bitch Kelly Taylor in Beverly Hills, 90210, real-life bitch Jennie Garth has perfected the art of bitchery. Between on-set catfights and passive aggressive comments in the media, it's no wonder Jennie was not only the first Bitch of the Week, but 2012's Bitch of the Year, too. Well done, J!

Lastly, just for fun, I've compiled a list of the ten Tommy Time posts that have attracted the most traffic in the past three months. It's no surprise that people be lovin' them bitches and cunts of the week!

1. Bitch of the Week: Blair Waldorf
2. Cunt of the Week: Katherine Heigl the Ungrateful
3. Cunt of the Week: Christina Aguilera
4. Bitch of the Week: The High School Musical Golden Trio
5. Bitch of the Week: Jennie Garth, Queen of 9021-Oh Snap!
6. Bitch of the Week: Santana Lopez
7. Bitch of the Week: Emma Stone
8. Throwback Thursday: Tommy Picks the Best Songs by Disney Channel Stars
9. Tommy Picks 5 Sings Who Should Have Christmas Albums
10. Happy Birthday to Britney Spears: An Official Tommy Time Holiday

Have a safe and happy New Year!

Cunt of the Week: Amanda Bynes, Because It Was Only a Matter of Time

"Thaaaaat's me!"

If you're feeling down this holiday season, I suggest a healthy dosage of Cunt of the Week to ease your troubles, because this week's cunt is the most ridiculous person I've ever heard of.

Remember when Amanda Bynes was the shit? She was like Hilary Duff, but the Nickelodeon version. She was part of the bitchin' original cast of All That, headlined her own self-titled variety show, and showed her stuff in films like Big Fat Liar, She's the Man, and Hairspray. Well, as it turns out, like so many lovely ladies on our television screen, Amanda is a total cunt. Her cuntitude can best be conveyed in a timeline.

2002 - 2006: Amanda follows up her teenage success with a show called What I Like About You. For four years, Amanda reportedly had a huge ego, slutted in up like no other, and constantly antagonized her co-star Jennie Garth. Oh Mandy. Putting yourself in direct conflict with a former Bitch of the Week practically seals your fate as a cunt.

June 2010: Amanda announces that she's retiring from acting at the ripe age of 24. "Being an actress isn’t as fun as it may seem," she tweeted. "If I don’t love something anymore, I stop doing it. I don’t love acting anymore, so I’ve stopped doing it." AKA she can't find work and gives up. That is, until...

July 2010: Amanda declares that she's "unretired" only a month after calling it quits. Eyebrows were raised - oh, were they raised - but if anything, she just comes off as reckless and immature.

September 2010: Easy A, Amanda's final pre-retirement project, hits theaters. Although it's funny as fuck, Amanda has an inexplicable case of chipmunk cheeks. Wtf?

March 8, 2012: A police officer pulls Amanda over for talking on her cell phone while driving. He goes to his squad car to write the ticket, but the actress flees the scene before he can give it to her. Showing some semblance of responsibility, she picks up her citation at the police station later in the day.

April 6, 2012: Amanda is arrested for driving under the influence in West Hollywood after crashing into a police car. She refuses to let authorities take a blood test and later goes on to publicly claim that she was not drinking. Millions of 90s children lose their role model.

Literally, within 24 hours of being arrested, Amanda goes clubbing again, but is denied entry into The Stanford club because of her arrest.

April 10, 2012: Amanda is allegedly involved in a hit-and-run after swiping another car on the 101, fleeing the scene, and blowing through a red light.

She's probably scheduling a hair appointment. I would if
that was my hair.

April 12, 2012: Photographers catch Amanda texting while driving. And then she backs her car up a sidewalk. (Picture to the right.)

April 15, 2012: Amanda decides to hold up traffic on a busy West Hollywood street while attempting to make a 3-point turn. This is after she forgets to pay a valet earlier in the day.

May 4, 2012: A fucking police helicopter chases Amanda's ass after she allegedly committed a hit-and-run. When she is finally pulled over, she swears to the police that she didn't realize she had hit another car.

June 6, 2012: Shortly after being officially charged for her DUI, Amanda tweets President Obama and asks him to fire the cop that arrested her. Okay now. That is some Lindsay Lohan-level cray.

August 4, 2012: After a relatively quiet summer, Amanda hits yet another car and then flees the scene once she realizes she would have to exchange information with the victim. In her defense, this is the first car accident she doesn't run away from right away, so she probably doesn't know the proper protocol!

August 20, 2012: Amanda gets rear-ended. At least it's not her fault this time.

September 9, 2012: The roads of LA are safe once again, as Amanda's license is suspended because she can't drive for shit.

The same exact day her license is suspended, Amanda is pulled over for driving... with a suspended license... at night with no headlights.

At least she wore her glasses!

September 13, 2012: Paparazzi trail Amanda for hours as she drives with a suspended license and repeatedly takes pot hits from a pipe. (Picture to the left.)

That same night, Amanda whips up her special, which is getting into another car accident.

September 14, 2012: Amanda gets into another fucking car accident. She was driving with a suspended license. With a scarf around her head.

September 16, 2012: Amanda is pulled over for driving aimlessly around Burbank Airport, ticketed for driving with a suspended license, and her car is impounded.

September 17, 2012: Lindsay Lohan slams Amanda for being a total fuck-up. Wow... If Lindsay Lohan, who is probably the co-founder of the ALC (American League of Cunts) thinks you're even worse off than she is, you are absolutely fucked.

Meanwhile, Amanda shops at a West Hollywood clothing store and locks herself in a dressing room for almost two hours. When she finally emerges, she purchases several items, including a bathing suit she forgets she's wearing underneath her clothes. She then proceeds to sit in a Starbucks by herself for an additional three hours. Clearly, she had a lot to do that day.

September 18, 2012: Amanda decides that she doesn't want a single day to go by without her fucking something up, so she goes to a gym and partakes in a 50-minute spinning class. Eventually, she gets bored and starts wandering around the room aimlessly. And then she takes off her shirt, revealing a black lace bra, not a sports bra. And then she leaves to reapply her make-up for 10 minutes, at which point the instructor throws her sorry ass out.

September 19, 2012: Amanda insists, "I'm doing amazing" before saying that she's retired from acting again, plans to launch a fashion design, and then claiming that she doesn't drink. Ah, hellz naw!

September 21, 2012: After multiple attempts to reach out to their client, Amanda's manager, agent, and publicist all drop her. It's sad when even the people who get paid to keep celebrity's lives together don't even want to deal with her.

September 24, 2012: Amanda is spotted in New York City, taking her cuntitude coast-to-coast. She tells friends that her impromptu trip is so she can "be alone"... in one of the most populated cities in the country.

September 26, 2012: Still fucking shit up in the Big Apple, Amanda strikes again and locks herself in the bathroom of a cupcake shop. After 30 minutes, the employees and patrons grow concerned and start checking on her, but she doesn't reply. They call the police, who arrive 15 minutes to break down the door. Amanda then said, "Excuse me. I was doing my make-up." UMM...

Thankfully, Amanda's most recent issues have been within the confides of a courthouse. And that's not as fun as her getting into a car accident every day, so I'm not going to write about it. My point is, if you're feeling blue or just looking for a reason to be thankful, just be glad you ain't this bitch!

Penelope Taint is most certainly not be Amanda's number-one fan anymore, please.

Bitch of the Week: Jennie Garth, Queen of 9021-Oh Snap!

Still ruling the 90210 zip code after all these years.

Happy Friday! The weekend is finally upon us, and what better way to celebrate its arrival than with the Bitch of the Week. You may be questioning what exactly is the difference between Bitch of the Week and Cunt of the Week. The answer is simple: while a Cunt of the Week is someone who just sucks ass, a Bitch of the Week rocks the shit out of life. It's a highly prestigious title, and it gives me great honor to present it to the great Jennie Garth.

Photographic proof that Jennie has been
making the ultimate bitch face since 1992.

Jennie rose to fame in the 90s while starring in Beverly Hills, 90210 as Kelly Taylor, a self-absorbed bitch with a slutty reputation to boot. Anyone who knows me will tell you that any character fitting such a description is usually my fave, so I was instantly drawn to Kelly, and to Jennie by default. Though Kelly was originally a supporting role on the show, playing second fiddle to a couple of flannel-clad twins from the Mid West, it didn't take Jennie long to outshine the resident hag, who is occasionally referred to as Shannen Doherty, and become the show's female lead. There was so much alleged tension between Jennie and Shannen as the former's character began eclipsing the latter's that it was reportedly one important factor in Shannen losing her job. Other reasons include her excessive partying and legendary cuntitude. Jennie & Co. would have none of that! Here's Jennie being passive aggressive as fuck about Shannen's departure to Entertainment Weekly:

We were friends at work, and I miss her most of the time. We were all uncertain about how it would be (without her). But now that we're back, it's like she was never here.

Beautifully said, J! But like a true bitch, Jennie didn't go without feuding for long. When Tiffani Amber Thiessen dragged her sorry ass from Saved by the Bell to BH90210 for the fifth season, Jennie let that Brenda Walsh wannabe know her place immediately. While the women eventually became friends, Jennie soon shut her out again. Loving the whole "keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer and then banish them" attitude! The cat fight is still making headlines as of this past May, which is just too delicious!

Soon enough, Jennie was queen of the set, basically carrying the whole fucking show by herself and continued to do so for ten seasons. (Let's face it, it's not like Ian Ziering and Tori Spelling could really do shit.) So important was Jennie's portrayal of Kelly that she even launched an entire fucking spin-off, the famed Melrose Place, and would later reprise her role in the 2008 90210 reboot. Can you imagine having the foundation of an entire franchise on your shoulders? Of course not. You ain't Jennie Garth!

Since the BH90210's finale in 2000, Jennie's career has flagged quite a bit, but that hasn't stopped her from being the ultimate bitch. She starred in the underrated sitcom What I Like About You from 2002 to 2006, during which time Jennie reportedly got into yet another feud with her co-star, a pre-meltdown Amanda Bynes. Then she danced the shit out of Dancing With the Stars in 2007 and reached the semi-finals. (Side note: Shannen Doherty also did the show and was eliminated in the first week. Lol!) That same year, she taught me and my entire health class all we needed to know about AIDS in the Lifetime movie Girl Positive. Oh, and she was also married to that Twilight guy for a bit. They had a couple of kids and then he cheated on her. Guess some men can't handle a true bitch!

It's clear that Jennie Garth is, has always been, and will continue to be a bitch. Whether it's picking fights with co-stars or just being an all-around BAMF, Jennie knows who she is and she is not apologizing for it. You go, girl!