Cunt of the Week: Kristen Stewart

Always lively, always photogenic.

Is there anything more cunt-inducing than Twilight? Aside from the sheer beauty of Kellan Lutz, I can't think of a single good thing that was birthed from that shitty book-turned-film series. This is especially true when it comes to Kristen Stewart, who brought to life played Bella Swan in the movies.

In case you're wondering... Yes, Kristen Stewart does consider herself an actress, and she's paid an obscene amount of money for her so-called performances. If you're like me, you're wondering how the hell she ever got her big break. She's neither pretty nor talented, so what does she bring to the table? Well, it turns out that both her parents have been in the biz forever, so her sickening career is just a result of good connections.

It's true that KStew may have gotten her start in a nonspeaking role in the groundbreaking Disney Channel mermaid flick The Thirteenth Year, but it wasn't until the 2008 release of the first Twilight film that she became a pain in everybody's asses. As Bella, Kristen woodenly wandered around the screen and belched out her lines as if she had better things to do. As more and more of the vampire flicks hit the silver screen, Kristen only became more and more famous, and her real life romance with onscreen lover Robert Pattinson didn't help matters. That shit might have worked for Zac and Vanessa, but ain't nobody wanna see these two date in real life.

(Sidebar: Were we really expected to believe that characters played by the allegedly attractive Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner would fight over this troll? I personally don't buy it.)

Of course, perhaps Kristen's most notorious display of cuntitude occurred in July 2012, when Us Weekly published photos of Kristen's pale ass clinging onto her very married Snow White and the Huntsman director Rupert Saunders. In the months that followed, KStew was called "The Most Hated Woman in America." This was a really fun time for me, even though it appears that Robert and much of the public has since forgiven her. (She's even moving forward with a fucking Snow White sequel. Like wtf, seriously...)

For kicks, let's hear what Kristen has to say about herself, her career, and her life. Get ready for some ironic lawlz:

• "You can learn so much from bad things. I feel boring. I feel like, Why is everything so easy for me? I can't wait for something crazy to fucking happen to me. Just life. I want someone to fuck me over. Do you know what I mean?"
• "Good relationship advice for me trends to be being honest and knowing yourself. Don't be an asshole. Don't be mean. Don't take shit. Don't settle."
• "I do things very impulsively; I don't really like to plan things at all. If I am passionate about something then I will do it."
• "I think romance is anything honest. As long as it's honest, it's so disarming."
• "What you don't see are the cameras shoved in my face and the bizarre intrusive questions being asked, or the people falling over themselves, screaming and taunting to get a reaction. The photos are so... I feel like I'm looking at someone being raped."

Now that the Twilight saga is finally over (five fucking films later), I do hope that we don't hear too much of KStew in the future. She's not even the funny kind of hot mess who says stupid shit and gets into trouble. She's just really fucking annoying and, to be quite fucking honest, a cunt.

A Few Thoughts on the Oscars

Doin' it with class.

There's no way you don't know that the Oscars were last night. Even if you weren't aware of the ceremony itself, you sure as hell know it by another name, such as "OMG ADELE IS AMAZING! LOVE HER!" or "lol Jennifer fell! Aww she is so genuine!" But you haven't heard about the Oscars until you've heard my opinion on the grand affair. So let's jump right into it, shall we?

Snaps for Seth
Seth MacFarlane was an awesome host. Why the creator of some of TV's trashiest shows was asked to host the most prestigious award show in the industry, I'm not sure, but I was genuinely impressed with him. He wasn't roll-on-the-floor funny, and despite people's constant bitching, I think his jokes were tamer than they should could have been. Was I the only one who enjoyed the boob song? And he was looking pretty sharp in that tux of his. And that VOICE! From the creator of Family Guy?! Who knew!

It's about time someone called out Kate Winslet.

Kristen Stewart Crawls Out from Beneath Her Bridge
UMMMM. Who the hell invited Kristen Stewart? Better yet, why was Bella Swan presenting an award with Harry Potter? The second I saw KStew hobble on stage with her bedhead, I hoped people would start booing her. Remember when she was the most hated woman in America because she was a homewrecking whore? I guess now she's forgiven and can roll into the Oscars like its a casual Tuesday night trip to Walmart.

Innumerable tributes to Chicago
I realize that the theme of the Oscars was Music in Film, but I was pretty much done with the tributes to Chicago by number two. Yeah, yeah, it's a great film and one of the best musicals ever blah blah blah. Aren't there other musicals from years past to showcase? Better yet, shouldn't they focus on the music in this year's films?

Speaking of Chicago...

Nicole Kidman called. She wants her face back.

Get out of here, Renée Zellweger! You're drunk!
Seriously, this bitch was on horse tranquilizers. What the fuck was wrong with her? Not only did she look like a melted Sour Pouch Kid, but she could barely stand up straight and refused to read the winners. TWICE. Holy fuck.

Brave as Best Animated Film
Alright. Guess the Academy has decided to start recognizing utter shit as fine cinema. Whatever. 

The crack about the Kardashians
No.

The crack about Rihanna and Chris Brown
Yes.

Robert Downey, Jr. liked it.

Quentin Tarantino Thanks Himself
Not unlike Kristen Stewart, Quentin Tarantino looked like he came to the event hungover from his bachelor party. He then proceeded to basically only thank himself during his acceptance speech for Best Original Screenplay. (Special shout out to Jamie Foxx's facial expression while Tarantino basically shat on him and the other Django Unchained actors.) I'm not sure if I really hated the speech or really loved it. TBD that shit.

Jennifer Takes a Tumble
Mmhmm! That's what I'm talking about. JLaw continued being her awesome self by falling down on her way to accept her Oscar. But the best was yet to come. Her interviews with the press afterwards are gems. Watch them if you haven't.

Forever immortalized.

Anne Hathaway Continues to Annoy the Living Shit Out of Me
"It came true," Anne Hathaway said wistfully before thanking a laundry list of people while she accepted the award for Best Supporting Actress. From that moment on, I knew my hatred for her would grow by at least 50% by the end of her speech. And it did. When she started talking about the plights of her fictional character and relating it to the real world, I was done.

Adele Underwhelms But Makes Up for It
Eh. I mean, yeah her voice is amazing. And she's a vocalist, not a performer. But she looked bored up there on stage. I'm not asking her do full-blown choreography or anything, but she could have at least looked like she was having fun. But when she won her Oscar and was really adorable during her speech, or lack thereof, she was forgiven.

Hugh Jackman
Always right.

Little Girl from Beasts of the Southern Wild
Quvenzhané Wallis, it was cute the first time you cheered for yourself. But the second time? #overit

She dgafs about my opinion. And that's fine.

Michelle? Girl, whatchu doin?
Like most, I was really confused when Michelle Obama basically took over the Oscars at the end. She's awesome, for sure. But, like... why? Am I right?

Kristen Chenoweth 
It should be a golden rule that you cannot, CANNOT, have an awards show without Kristen Chenoweth. I loved her and Seth's musical number at the end as they tried to lift the spirits of the losers. But the whole time I was thinking about how that was rehearsed... So they must have known who won (or, who didn't win) before the show took place, right?

And there you have it. The best and the worst of the Oscars. If there's anything we can take from this, it's that Seth MacFarlane should host again next year, Anne Hathaway should retire, and Renée Zellweger should be in rehab.