2012: A Year in Review

Only three months young, Tommy Time has succeeded in becoming, in short, the bee's knees. I'll continue to treat its short time online as an entire year as I review the blog's triumphs in 2012. First, without further ado, the recipients of the Jam of the Year, Cunt of the Year, and Bitch of the Year awards, as voted by you!

Jam of the Year

For nearly three years, Ke$ha has been inspiring us to live life, drink Jack Daniels, and deck ourselves in glitter. In her latest smash hit, she reminds us to make the most of the present as if we're gonna die young. Given that we just survived a Mayan apocalypse, I can think of no better song worthy of Jam of the Year than "Die Young".

Cunt of the Year

 

Because the possession of cuntitude is only achieved by the world's most depraved, unstable individuals, it truly is hard to single out any one cunt. They're truly in a degenerate league of their own. You, my faithful readers, understand this, as you've selected not one, but TWO Cunts of the Year: Rihanna and Taylor Swift. We can only hope this isn't a sign that they will join forces and make 2013 a living hell for everyone.

Bitch of the Year

 

Best known for playing the fictional bitch Kelly Taylor in Beverly Hills, 90210, real-life bitch Jennie Garth has perfected the art of bitchery. Between on-set catfights and passive aggressive comments in the media, it's no wonder Jennie was not only the first Bitch of the Week, but 2012's Bitch of the Year, too. Well done, J!

Lastly, just for fun, I've compiled a list of the ten Tommy Time posts that have attracted the most traffic in the past three months. It's no surprise that people be lovin' them bitches and cunts of the week!

1. Bitch of the Week: Blair Waldorf
2. Cunt of the Week: Katherine Heigl the Ungrateful
3. Cunt of the Week: Christina Aguilera
4. Bitch of the Week: The High School Musical Golden Trio
5. Bitch of the Week: Jennie Garth, Queen of 9021-Oh Snap!
6. Bitch of the Week: Santana Lopez
7. Bitch of the Week: Emma Stone
8. Throwback Thursday: Tommy Picks the Best Songs by Disney Channel Stars
9. Tommy Picks 5 Sings Who Should Have Christmas Albums
10. Happy Birthday to Britney Spears: An Official Tommy Time Holiday

Have a safe and happy New Year!

Tommy Picks 20 Things to Get Over for 2013

The epitome of what to get over for 2013. And yes, this
picture is recent.

With the new year rapidly approaching and everybody deluding themselves into thinking they'll actually make some kind of major change to their lives, I think it's time to establish what we all need to just be over by the time 2013 is here. I've compiled a list of such things.

1.  Gangnam Style. Not sure why this was ever a thing, but let's just chalk it up to one of the several mistakes humanity blindly committed in 2012.
2. Taylor Swift. And whoever she's dating.
3. Yolo. If I hear it again, your one life won't last for much longer.
4. Your ex. Holy shit, I don't want to hear it anymore.
5. The world ending. I'm not putting up with this "Oh, now the world is gonna end in 2015" bullshit! The world didn't end. We're all still here. Hooray. Now shut the fuck up already!
6. Fifty Shades of Grey. Totally over it. Was never into it.
7. Rihanna. She'll likely release 3 new albums and countless singles this next year. Let's not give her any more #1s, okay? Similarly, she and Chris Brown will probably break-up and make-up 14 times. Let's not care, okay?
8. Pinterest. Face it, you're not as healthy, skinny, active, interesting, fashionable, funny, or unique as you think you are.
9. Vampires. With the Twilight saga finally behind us, let's finally abolish vampires from pop culture and end this morbid and nonsensical obsession with bloodsuckers once and for all. (Note: This does not apply to True Blood. That will forever be the only exception.)
10. Lindsay Lohan. Personal note to Lilo: Let's try not to get arrested this year.
11. "Call Me Maybe". It's not funny anymore.
12. Emma Watson. What the fuck, you guys. She's not that great.
13. Channing Tatum. For the same reasons as #12.
14. Honey Boo Boo. Remember when reality television was dominated by the Kardashians and a band of pregnant teenagers (sometimes, it was hard to tell the difference between the two.) Let's bring that back!
15. Miley Cyrus' hair. She's just being Miley!
16. Celebrity sex tapes. Unless this is one featuring Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively, no one cares.
17. "Jennifer Aniston's pregnant with Brad's triplets! Shocking details of the affair and her marriage to Justin to cover it up! Plus, what Courteney Cox has to say about it!" No.
18. Obama's nationality.
19. Singing competition shows. Unless Britney is a judge.
20. The Royal Family.

So there you have it. This year, don't make your New Year's resolution some diet or personal growth you can't possibly achieve; rather, vow to get over everything on this list. Then maybe, just maybe, there will peace on Earth at last.

25 Days of Christmas #25: "O Holy Night" by Lea Michele

Merry Christmas, everyone! I've saved the best for last in our 25 Days of Christmas countdown. This is, hands down, my favorite rendition of my favorite holiday song. Listen to Lea Michele, who has the voice of an angel, perform "O Holy Night". (It's more like, "O Holy Shit she has a good voice," am I right?)

25 Days of Christmas #24: "Carol of the Bells" by Jessica Simpson

Am I the only one who gets dizzy when listening to "Carol of the Bells"? I get some serious vertigo, which I sort of love. Here's the trippy holiday classic as sung by Jessica Simpson (because sometimes it's nice to just throw her a bone).

25 Days of Christmas #23: "I'll Be Home For Christmas" by Elvis Presley and Carrie Underwood

So, it seems like the new thing is to perform songs with dead people. Tupac, Michael Jackson, and now Elvis Presley... Nobody is off limits. Usually, it's creepy. But in the case of Elvis and Carrie Underwood's duet of "I'll Be Home For Christmas", it's a holiday miracle! Elvis' ex-wife Priscilla Presley personally picked Carrie to sing on the track, and I'm sure glad she did. This duet is proof of God's Santa's existence.

Tommy Picks 5 Singers Who Should Have Christmas Albums

In the midst of the 25 Days of Christmas countdown, it's important to acknowledge those truly amazing artists who don't have festive songs to bring us cheer during this holiday season. Here's a list of singers who I think need to release Christmas albums for the 2013 holiday season.

1, 2, 3 not only you and me.

1. The Legendary Miss Britney Spears
We're all aware of "My Only Wish (This Year)", Britney's holiday standard, as well as rumors that she planned to record a Christmas album back in the day, so what's wrong with praying that we someday get a super fun holiday album? Possible lyrics: "Santa's on the roof, the elves are jumping/In your lap the bass is pumping."

2. Lana Del Rey
It'd be such a treat to hear Lana Del Rey put her anti-feminist, damaged beauty queen persona against a winter wonderland backdrop. Possible lyrics: "Kiss me hard before you go/I got my red dress on/Under the mistletoe/In your Bugatti Veyron."

3. Nicki Minaj
As if I even need to explain the fucking epicness that would ensue if Her Minajesty hollered out some jingles. Possible lyrics: "I'm singing ho ho ho's/You fucking little hoes/Couldn't get a man if you was wearing mistletoes."

4. One Direction
Boy bands are back, bitches, and nobody would bring more tidings of comfort and joy than One Direction. Their Christmas album would combine my three greatest loves: the holidays, music geared towards tweens, and British culture. Possible lyrics: "This Christmas, I'm as cold as the snow/I see you with him and I can't let you go."

5. Ke$ha
What's Christmas without a little glitter? Quite simply, a Ke$ha Christmas album would end war and bestow upon us world peace for eternity. Possible lyrics: "Run, run, Rudolf, as fast as you can/Jump inside my fucking gold Trans Am/Forget the sleigh, I'll ride saddle back/Kicking with my girls and a bottle of Jack."

This Christmas, my only wish is that by next Christmas, all of these albums come to fruition. #pray

25 Days of Christmas #22: "Christmas Won't Be the Same Without You" by Plain White T's

Remember when the Plain White T's were a thing? Yeah, I barely do either. But when they did still have some cultural relativity, they released a Christmas song. (Fun side note: It was released on All Wrapped Up, a Disney Channel holiday album; didn't know what the Plain White T's were signed to Disney, did ya?) "Christmas Won't Be the Same Without You" is a fun modern pop song with some tidings of comfort and joy thrown into it, making it the perfect addition to the 25 Days of Christmas countdown.

25 Days of Christmas #21: "The Chipmunk Song" by Alvin & the Chipmunks

"The Chipmunk Song" is basically the epitome of Christmas music. It is so fucking adorable and anybody who says it's annoying is basic as all hell. Alvin, Simon, and Theodore are amongst the world's best fictional musicians, as well as the world's best fictional chipmunks (alongside Chip and Dale). Every time I listen to this song, I'm happy. So sit back and enjoy! And would someone get that Chipmunk his damn hula-hoop?!

25 Days of Christmas #20: "Santa Claus Lane" by Hilary Duff

My best friend Hilary Duff has an entire Christmas album, but nothing compares to the yuletide joy that is her rendition of "Santa Claus Lane".

What are you asking for this holiday season? A chance to meet Hilary Duff? That's awkward because I already had, so stay pressed.

25 Days of Christmas #19: "Oh Santa!" by Mariah Carey

Love. That is how I feel about this song. I can't even articulate the reasons why. It just is. I do know that the opening chant, "Oh, Santa's gonna come and you mine this Christmas! Santa's gonna come and make you mine, mine!" is the BEST holiday lyric of all time. But other than that, you'll have to listen to Mariah Carey's "Oh Santa!" to understand why it's so brillz.

25 Days of Christmas #18: "Christmases When You Were Mine" by Taylor Swift

She may be a cunt, but even cunts deserve to partake in holiday festivities, such as the Tommy Time 25 Days of Christmas countdown. Bringing her usual "you broke my little pink heart" bullshit to the Christmas season, here's Taylor Swift's original song, "Christmases When You Were Mine".

25 Days of Christmas #17: "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas" by Michael Bublé

 It's about high time that we all accept that Michael Bublé has an amazing voice and just owns the shit out of all Christmas songs. Personally, he's not my cup of tea (I prefer the holiday stylings of the collective Glee cast), but I couldn't not put him on this list. Here's my favorite MB holiday song, "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas", and boy is it!

25 Days of Christmas #16: "Hanukkah, Oh Hanukkah" by Mark Salling and Jacob Artist

This one's for the Jews! To commemorate the last day of Hanukkah, I thought it'd be fun to celebrate with a song that throws it back to the Old Testament. I didn't really know any besides the whole "dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made it out of clay" diddy and ain't nobody got time for that. Luckily, the Glee cast and their constant need to be progressive and inclusive always comes through for me. "Hanukkah, Oh Hanukkah" is too much fun and just makes you want to dance! Performed by Mark Salling and Jacob Artist, who portray Jewish half-brothers Puck and Jake, here's the Glee version of the Hebrew jingle. Mazel tov!

30 Reasons Why You're Not a True Britney Fan

She smells posers.

In today's world, it's hard to tell who's genuine and who's fake as fuck. One of the most colorful illustrations of this struggle is with the Britney fan. Obviously, you suck at life if you aren't a fan of the Queen of Pop. The trouble is, however, some people only pretend to be fans of Britney in order to avoid public persecution. What about YOU? Do you have what it takes to be a true fan, or are you just a poser? Let's see.

You are not a true Britney fan if...

1. Your favorite Britney song is "...Baby One More Time", "Oops!... I Did It Again", "Lucky", or "Toxic". If any of those are your favorite song, you are so basic and uninspired, it's embarrassing.
2. You didn't support her during the Dark Ages (2006-2008).
3. You have ever called yourself a little monster.
4. "My Only Wish (This Year)" is not one of your holiday music staples.
5. You don't acknowledge Blackout and Femme Fatale as not only her strongest albums, but some of the best albums of all time.
6. You try to insinuate that ...Baby One More Time is her best album to date.
7. You're unaware that Rihanna's "S&M" didn't go to #1 until Britney did the remix.
8. You've never been to a Britney Spears concert.
9. You've never seen The X Factor.
10. You don't know which music video the red jumpsuit is from. (It's "Oops!" in case you're one of them basic bitches.)
11. Your tumblr dashboard isn't full of Britney gifs.
12. You don't understand the importance of Starbucks, Cheetos, vanilla-scented candles, and Adele as they pertain to Britney.
13. You don't know who Jason Trawick is.
14. You took Justin Timberlake's side during the break-up.
15. You don't get the "Radar" joke.
16. You didn't even know there was a "Radar" joke until you read #15.
17. You think "Hit Me Baby One More Time" and "Dancing Till the World Ends" are the full titles of two of her songs.
18. You've ever been Team Christina.
19. You think she's a bad role model.
20. You think she's a bad mother.
21. The song title "Rebellion" means nothing to you.
22. You don't know who Sabi is.
23. You've never seen Crossroads.
24. You can't say which song "It's Britney, bitch" comes from.
25. You don't acknowledge the Madonna-Britney kiss as a passing of the torch from the former Queen of Pop to the current.
26. You don't know what "If U Seek Amy" means.
27. You didn't know that Rihanna's "Umbrella" and Lady Gaga's "Telephone" were both originally written for Britney, but she turned that shit down.
28. You don't think that December 2 should be a national holiday and Kentwood, Louisiana a national landmark.
29. You think "Soda Pop" is fun, catchy, and totally classic Britney.
30. You think The Original Doll is a nickname for whoever established The Pussycat Dolls.

There you have it. Thirty reasons why you may not be a true Britney fan. If you can say with absolute certainty that nothing on that list applies to you, congrats! Welcome to the family. However, if even one item describes you in the least bit, you can just go hang your head in shame. Ain't nobody got time for you.

25 Days of Christmas #15: "Silent Night" by Naya Rivera

Once again, the Glee cast knows what up. In what's one in like a bajillion songs about the day Jesus was born (I know, it's called Christmas for a reason, but we fucking get it already), "Silent Night"is the perfect song for anybody to show off their vocal chops, and that's exactly what Naya Rivera, who plays Bitch of the Week Santana Lopez on the show, does in her rendition from the cast's most recent holiday album! It ain't a silent night up in herr!

25 Days of Christmas #14: "Happy Xmas (War Is Over)" by Maroon 5

Written by John Lennon and Yoko Ono in 1971, "Happy Xmas (War Is Over)" is a protest song about the Vietnam War. It's such a nice little jam. My only qualm is that it perpetuates the atrocious abbreviation of Christmas. But just as the war is history, so is the original rendition of the song. Why listen to a Beatle sing when you can listen to the sultry voice of Adam Levine? I suppose a little reverence for the dead might be in order, so RIP John Lennon. You did a lot of cool things. But Adam Levine is kind of sort of but not really the 21st century version of you, so just relax.

25 Days of Christmas #13: "Greatest Time of Year" by Aly & AJ

Long before they completely and desperately faded into oblivion (wtf is hellcats?), Aly & AJ were the premiere Disney Channel sisters. Bitches even had a Christmas album, which is fitting since they're always talking about Jesus and bitching about how evolution shouldn't be taught in school (more on that during their scheduled Cunts of the Week post). Putting aside their blind religious babbling, Aly & AJ prove two things with "Greatest Time of Year": (1) they know how to make a great holiday jam; and (2) they have no grasp on the English language. Greatest time of year. Really?

25 Days of Christmas #12: "What Child Is This" by Carrie Underwood

Hol-fucking-ler to Carrie Underwood because bitch is making her second appearance on the 25 Days of Christmas countdown, this time with her cover of "What Child Is This". I love this song so very much, not because it's about Britney Jesus being born and stuff, but because it's so dramatic. It's the soap opera of Christmas carols, which I thoroughly appreciate, and I hope you do too!

25 Days of Christmas #11: "Christmas Wrapping" by Heather Morris

There's nothing I love more than a good pun, which is why the rap song "Christmas Wrapping" is too much fun. (Get it? Wrapping... rapping. Lol!) The song was written soon after the birth of New Wave music and is probably the only holiday song of that genre. Originally performed by the Waitresses, I decided I needed to remain true to Heather Morris, one member of the ever-versatile Glee cast. Enjoy her rendition of "Christmas Wrapping" from the show's second Christmas album.

25 Days of Christmas #10: "My Grown Up Christmas List" by Kelly Clarkson

Fun fact: "My Grown Up Christmas List", a song that talks about wishing for world peace and other such crap (lame!), was originally recorded by Natalie Cole and David Foster for his non-holiday album in 1990. It was Amy Grant who made it the Christmas classic that it is two years later. But since nobody cares about her, today you're more likely to hear Kelly Clarkson's version, and that's exactly the rendition I've posted. I do quite enjoy the song and I hope you do too!

25 Days of Christmas #9: "All I Need Is Love" by Cee Lo Green and the Muppets

When I heard that Cee Lo Green was releasing a Christmas album, I prayed that it would contain a holiday remix of "Fuck You". Unfortunately, this wasn't to be. HOWEVER, something even better came in its place: a duet between Mr. Green and the Muppets. Yup, like Alvin & the Chipmunks, Hannah Montana, and many other fictional characters before them, the Muppets have a recording career. For whatever reason, they've been in cahoots with Cee Lo ever since they paired up for a performance of "Fuck Forget You" at the 2011 Grammys. (Why Disney allowed this, I'll never know.) Putting aside Cee Lo's past explicit works and the allegations that he's a woman-beater, let's just drink eggnog and enjoy the cheery wonder that is "All I Need Is Love".

25 Days of Christmas #8: "Last Christmas" by Ashley Tisdale

"Last Christmas" is by far my favorite Christmas song. Whether it's the love-gone-wrong theme or the British uttering of "Happy Christmas," I just can't get enough! And while the original Wham! version is alright, there is no rendition so classic as that of Ashley Tisdale. Her cover of "Last Christmas" was her first release under her recording contract with Warner Bros. It isn't uncommon for new artists to release holiday material before delving into the mainstream careers, but do they usually do it with as much success as the Tiz? I think not. So this Christmas, please take the time to enjoy "Last Christmas".

25 Days of Christmas #7: "Christmas Lights" by Coldplay

 Coldplay suffers from the same handicap that ails Daughtry, Taylor Swift, and Nickelback. All their shit sounds the same. I guess if something works, why mess with it? The British band adds in some holiday flair to their usual sound in "Christmas Lights". Regardless of how they sound or how they (don't) grow as a band, this song is a fun jam to listen to as you haul out the holly, deck the halls, and do all your other festive shit! Enjoy!

25 Days of Christmas #6: "The First Noel" by Carrie Underwood

I'll be honest and say that the sixth song on the 25 Days of Christmas countdown isn't very fun on its own. However, when it comes flowing out of the golden pipes of the wonderful Carrie Underwood, it's a beautiful song that makes all non-Christians reconsider. Please, sit back and relax as Carrie does what she does best!

25 Days of Christmas #5: "My Only Wish (This Year)" by Britney Spears

The fifth song in the 25 Days of Christmas countdown is quite possibly the best holiday song ever, and that is because it's sung by one Britney Spears. Rumor has it Britney had planned to record a Christmas album in the early naughts, but as of today, "My Only Wish (This Year)" is the only holiday jam she's known to have recorded. So just listen to this and open your heart and mind to an enchantingly new world. I promise you'll be wishing B really did record that Christmas album!

25 Days of Christmas #4: "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" by the Glee Gals

On the fourth day of Christmas, I bring to you the first traditional song in the countdown: "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen". The song is old as dirt and is totally boring. BUT NOT WHEN GLEE DOES IT. Like many things in life, the Christmas Carol is much better once Lea Michele and company get their hands on it!

Jam of the Week: "Pimps and Hoes" by Rock Mafia and Miley Cyrus

Even though I'm giving you a Christmas jam for 25 days straight, there's no reason why Jam of the Week should be put on the back burner. This week's jam is none other than "Pimps and Hoes" by Rock Mafia and Miley Cyrus. This song was chosen for obvious reasons: there is absolutely nothing funnier than Miley singing a song called "Pimps and Hoes".

The song has yet to see its official release, but it has been on the internet for a good while now. You see, in addition to producing songs for Miley, Selena Gomez, and a slew of other Disney stars, the group Rock Mafia is attempting to launch its own career, and what better way to do so than with "Pimps and Hoes", alternately titled "Morning Sun"? Please enjoy this jam and Miley in all her autotuned glory, all you all you pimps and hoes!

25 Days of Christmas #3: "Little Saint Nick" by the Beach Boys

Oh, the Beach Boys. Remember when they were on Full House? For most people, that would be the highlight of their careers. (It certainly was for Candace Cameron, am I right?) But the Beach Boys were singing all about the California lifestyle long before that, and lucky for us, they had a Christmas song. "Little Saint Nick" hardly needs an introduction other than it's amazing!

Happy Birthday to Britney Spears: An Official Tommy Time Holiday

You want a piece of her?

Thirty-one years ago, the legendary Miss Britney Spears hit the scene like a meteor crashing down to Earth. Life would never be the same. Throughout her lifetime, Britney has redefined the music industry humanity. As I write this, tears stream down my face; I cannot even deal with the amazingness.

Oh Britney, how do you do it? How does one simply become the best-selling teenage singer of all time? How does one go about being the best-selling female artist of the 21st century? What method does one employ to sell over 100 million records worldwide? What does one have to do to get a star on the Walk of Fame at the ripe age of 21? I'm not sure how Britney has done it all, but I'm sure glad she did!

To commemorate Britney's 31st birthday, I officially name December 2 Britney Spears Day, the first official Tommy Time holiday. How fun! Congratulations and happy birthday to the Queen of Pop!

25 Days of Christmas #2: "Christmas (Baby, Please Come Home)" by Leighton Meester

Most modern Christmas songs don't celebrate Jesus and cannibalistic beliefs, but rather sing about lost love with a loose holiday theme. "Christmas (Baby, Please Come Home)" is absolutely no exception. The song was originally sung by Darlene Love in 1963, but I'm just not into that. Instead, I bring to you the Leighton Meester version. It's such a jam! Happy holidays!

25 Days of Christmas #1: "All I Want for Christmas is You" by Mariah Carey

 Now that it's officially Christmas, I decided that I should do something to celebrate. So voila! I bring to you the first of 25 Days of Christmas. Every day until the glorious holiday that commemorates the birth of Britney Spears Jesus, I will post a holiday song to get us all in the spirit!

What better song to kick off the countdown than Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas is You". While Mariah is annoying as all hell (nobody is obsessed with you, omg get a clue), there's no denying that this isn't a classic holiday jam. So, without further ado, Merry Christmas!

Bitch of the Week: Angelica Pickles

The ultimate bitch lifestyle.

If you're name is Angelica Pickles, you have two options: you can either let people bully you because you're name is lame or you can own that shit because your name is the best thing ever. At the young age of three, Angelica knew to take the latter route in Rugrats, one of the greatest cartoons of all time.

Angelica is a grade A bitch. No matter how mean she is to cousin Tommy and his ragtag group of friends, which included a ginger and two lopsided incestuous twins, they always wanted her approval. And who wouldn't? She gets everything she wants, usually a cookie; she has her parents, and most other adults, wrapped around her fingers; she knows how to defend her turf from the nuisance that is Susie Carmichael from down the street; hell, she even understands the value of a Barbie Cynthia doll over some stupid Godzilla knock-off. Simply put, Angelica is an inspiration, a Regina George in training, if you will.

Always the center of attention, Angelica serenades the gang.
Can we just look at how fucking pressed Susie is?

Angelica's bitchery is evident in almost every episode of the show. Remember the time she convinced Chuckie that a watermelon was going to grow inside him since he swallowed a seed? Or what about the time she broke Tommy's clown lamp but held a trial and tried to blame that shit on one of the babies? And who could forget when she stole Aunt Didi's identity to order delivery over the phone?

Angelica in one of many Christmas specials, proving that
bitchery is never seasonal.

Perhaps it was Rugrats in Paris in which Angelica was shining at her brightest. Bitch wanted a float in the Euro Reptarland parade and was willing to go to any lengths to fulfill that wish. So she promises to help Coco Labouche con Chuckie's dad into marrying her. Amazing, the refined bitchery of which Angelica was capable at such a young age. We should all look at her as a prodigy and an inspiration.

It's no wonder she went rogue, though. Imagine if your familial and social circles were constantly being bombarded by outsiders. First, Susie moves her sorry ass into the neighborhood and continually tries to wigsnatch Angelica. Then, Stu and Didi are unable to control themselves and soon enough Angelica has to deal with a new cousin, Dil, who is a HUGE pain in the ass. And then Chuckie gets an Asian stepsister named Kimi! KIMI! What the hell is that? Is that even a name?

Angelica has taught us many things, the most important of all being that you are never too young to be a bitch. I implore you all, as you start your families and raise your children, to encourage them to embrace this lifestyle. You won't be disappointed.

I couldn't not put this in here.

Cunt of the Week: Christina Aguilera

Too dirrty to clean my act up.

A wise man, aka me, once said that Christina Aguilera was "like the lovechild of Snooki and Miss Piggy." The singer, whose song "Your Body" is a former Jam of the Week, is an atrocity. The anti-Britney, and therefore the anti-Christ, has been cunting it up for fucking ever. Well guess what, bitch? The genie's out of the bottle. Because today, you're officially the Cunt of the Week.

How cute! Well, everyone except for Christina.

Christina began poisoning the minds of innocent Americans in 1991 when she joined The Mickey Mouse Club alongside Justin Timberlake, Ryan Gosling, and the legendary Miss Britney Spears. Even as a child she was a major pain in everyone's ass and she earned the nickname "the Diva" on set. Sure, they said it was because of her amazing vocal talents, but we all know it's because she was cunting it up like no other. Luckily, she faded into obscurity when the show was cancelled three years later. That is, until...

In 1998, Aguilera was so desperate for work that she had no choice but to go to her former employer, the Walt Disney Company. They were all like, "Not this bitch again." But she was like, "Yeah, I'm back" and forced them to let her sing "Reflection" for the film Mulan. Had they known that the song would launch Xtina into super stardom, I bet the Disney execs wouldn't have let her sing it. But we cannot prevent what we cannot predict.

Luckily, Britney Spears was beginning her own singing career at the same time (although she didn't have to go through Disney to do it). And while Britney was perfecting her adorably sexy Lolita act, Christina was just being a blunt slut with songs like "Genie in a Bottle" and "What a Girl Wants", in which she begged for us to rub all up on her barely-legal body.

It's called being a cunt.

But even that wasn't trashy enough for Floptina, as she made a point to re-invent her image and become an even bigger whore. Her song "Dirrty" (because two r's are better than one) became her life motto, and the world was subjected to an entire era of cuntitude. But don't worry, because she assured everybody that "I'm not just another bimbo."

It was around this time that everybody stopped caring about Christina. Did you know that Madonna kissed Xtina during the same performance in which she infamously locked lips with Britney Spears? Probably not. Nobody does.

Soon enough, however, Christina was bored again and realized that people don't respond well when she basically gives blowjobs on stage. So she decided to class up her act by becoming a Marilyn Monroe wannabe. I fully and solely blame Christina for launching this generation of girls' belief that Marilyn Monroe is the most inspirational woman who ever lived and for allowing said girls to think that if they post the same fucking MM quote in their Facebook status as someone else did ten minutes before, it somehow makes them special and deep.

In the past three years, Christina has released two albums: Bionic and Lotus. Never heard of them? Yeah, there's a reason. They're awful and they sold like four copies each. During this time, she somehow found some sucker to marry and father her child, got a divorce, fucked up the national anthem at the Super Bowl, got arrested for being drunk as fuck in public, embarrassed herself to no-end as the pressed judge on The Voice, and pretended to be an actress in Burlesque.

It's not secret that Christina has always been a cunt, and I'm thankful that people are finally starting to catch on. It gives me great pleasure to award her Cunt of the Week. I'll leave you with this. In her song "Beautiful", Christina sings "words can't bring you down." But damn, has she definitely tried! Click here to take a look at all the celebrities she's dissed and all the ones who have recounted the nasty things she's done to them!

Review: Liz & Dick

Is she high? They can't even photoshop her to sobriety.

This past holiday weekend, I gave thanks to Lifetime for providing me with the opportunity to watch Lindsay Lohan make her comeback in the highly coveted role of Elizabeth Taylor. You see, sometime last year, LizzieTay said, "It's my dream to have my life's story told on the silver screen with the aid of the most talented and respected actors Hollywood has to offer." So Lifetime, known for its cinematic mastery, said okay and cast Lilo, who is known the world over for her refined acting skill, reliability, and clean bill of health. And then Elizabeth Taylor died.

The film chronicles the controversial marriage of Taylor and Richard Burton (Grant Bowler), starting with their affair on the set of Cleopatra. What follows is an epic shitshow, with choppy scenes, crappy writing, and cringe-worthy acting. Lindsay did her best to keep Liz's faint British accent, but she couldn't stop herself from slipping back into her natural husky valley girl voice that kind of makes you wish the last Rihanna song you heard just annihilated your ability to hear once and for all. And while Richard was an actor trained in Shakespearean theater, I don't he really talked like he was from the fucking 1400s. "I've got an entire ocean in you." Yuck! The only thing you have with Lindsay is a brick of cocaine. #SorryBoutIt

As Elizabeth and Richard's affair progresses, they break ties with their respective spouses, which prompts Richard's wife to attempt suicide and guilt him into staying with her. So what does Lindsay as Liz do? The same thing. "I won't live without you!" she screams as she downs a handful of sleeping pills with a vodka chaser. "This shouldn't take too long." Nice.

Later, Liz takes a break from both her career and the affair. While attempting to bond with her children, she just screams, out of nowhere, "I'm bored! I'M SO BORED!" It truly is amazing how eloquently she conveyed the audience's opinions. And from there, everything is kind of a blur. At one point, Liz & Dick are living on a boat, slipping deeper into alcoholism, and calling each other fat (or, more specifically, "Miss Pudgy Digits"). They get divorced and then remarried in Botswana. And then divorced again.

Oh, and then this happened. Lol at the shitty aging make-up.

The most deplorable element of Liz & Dick, however, is its mockumentary aspect. Reality-style confessionals of the two titular characters are randomly interspersed throughout the film. The writer clearly didn't know how to convey the characters' emotions in the script's dialog, so he just decided to have them break the fourth wall and literally just tell the audience how they feel. How neat. It was all too confusing as well, as Lindsay and Grant are playing the characters at their ages in the beginning of the film, yet they're reminiscing about events that took place almost two decades later, like Dick's death. Is this some sort of quasi-heaven?

In all honesty, the film is not that bad. In the grand scheme of things, it's at least on par with much of what Lifetime usually barfs out. But everything was working against it. One of the most controversial stars today was portraying one of the most controversial stars in history. Everybody expected it to be memorable but also made up their minds ahead of time that it would be horrible. I'm not saying Lindsay deserves an Emmy for this, and her skill has definitely suffered in the hazy years between now and her Mean Girls hay day, but shouldn't we be commending her for at least attempting to get her life back on track?

Nah. This was total garbage and she should be ashamed of herself. You can bet your bottom dollar the Elizabeth Taylor is probably having a fucking seizure in her grave over this mess. I think Linday should star in a crappy CBS sitcom or something. That will keep her working consistently and (hopefully) out of rehab or jail and off the roads!

Jam of the Week: "Snake Charmer" by Jessica Lowndes

The current Jam of the Week also takes the title for being one of the most ridiculous tunes I've heard in a while. The song is "Snake Charmer" and the artist is Jessica Lowndes. You're probably thinking, wtf is a jessica lowndes? Well, she's the oval-faced bitch who plays Adrianna Tate-Duncan on 90210 (the uber shitty but incredibly addicting reboot, not the glorious original).

To understand why this song exists, we must first delve into the complex character that is Adrianna Tate-Duncan. (She has a hyphenated last name, so you know her life is just that complicated.) She begins the series as a former child actress with a serious drug addiction. By her seventeenth birthday, she's already gone to rehab and given up her baby for adoption. In the second season, Adrianna gets a second chance at fame when a foreign pop star named Javier asks her to tour with him. Unfortunately, they're involved in a car accident. Javier dies, and Adrianna doesn't even have a scratch on her. She's so uninjured, in fact, that she's able to steal Javier's book of song lyrics, which she uses to advance her solo career. Once her deception is discovered, she becomes the most hated woman in America (think Casey Anthony or Kristen Stewart). At this point, Adrianna gets a reality show.

By the fourth season, Adrianna is working as a waitress and it's as if she was never famous. But, as luck would have it, her new bf Dixon is also into music and together they start making waves in the industry. However, their partnership takes a bad turn and pretty soon Adrianna is back to her solo career, which, in a very Taylor Swift-esque move, she decides will be in country music. Um okay, because Beverly Hills bitches know so much about country music.

And here we are. Adrianna releases "Snake Charmer", which sounds like three awful dance songs rolled into one. It honestly makes no fucking sense. Like so much else on the show, the writers don't bother explaining why a country singer decided to release this song. So why is it Jam of the Week? Well, because it's so bad that it's actually kind of amazing. Take a listen and hear for yourself!

Bitch of the Week: Santana Lopez

If I were her, I'd throw slushies at
people too.

Glee has no shortage of bitches. From cruel coach Sue Sylvester to the selfish and vain Quinn Fabray, you can't throw a rock out a damn window at McKinley High without hitting a tried and true bitch. However, the bitchiest bitch of them all, and therefore the best one suited for Bitch of the Week, is Santana Lopez.

Santana is about as ghettoliciously bitchy as it gets. She explained her upbringing beautifully: "I'm from Lima Heights, I was raised on insults. That's how my abuela puts me to sleep at night, and she was not a nice lady. Did you know she tried to sell me once? And it wasn't until I got to kindergarten that I learned my name wasn't Garbage Face." Perhaps one day I'll write a dissertation on how bitchiness is hereditary, but for now, this will do.

In the beginning of the series, Santana was a bitchy cheerleader who, alongside Coach Sue, Quinn, and Brittany, plots to take down the glee club. But just because she was part of a four-woman conspiracy doesn't mean Santana didn't have her own agenda. The audience got their first taste of true bitch when Santana stole Puck from Quinn after some steaming sexting. ("Sexting?" Quinn asked. "Sexy texting!" Santana explained. "Seriously, what era are you from?")

Eventually, it came time to destroy the relationship between the glee co-captains, innocent but self-absorbed Rachel and dim-witted Finn, because if their romance crumbled, so would the entire club. Taking a page from the ultimate bitch's handbook, Santana decided to seduce Finn. "Everything about you screams 'virgin,'" she tells him. "You're about as sexy as a Cabbage Patch Kid. It's exhausting to look at you." When Santana wasn't busy plotting, she was keeping up with her daily bitchery, usually by harassing Rachel about her wardrobe and calling her Yentl, dwarf, midget, or whatever other fun nickname popped into her head. #inspiration

A Bitch and a Blonde.

As the series progressed, Santana was truly a bitch in heat, unable to remain celibate for long. She and Brittany embarked on a fling, and although Brittany wanted something more, Santana was in it purely for the sex. "I'm like a lizard. I need something warm beneath me or else I can't digest my food."

However, it wasn't until the writers began peeling back the many layers of Santana when I finally truly understood her and related to her. In a second season episode, she confessed: "I just try to be really, really honest with people when I think that they suck! You know? No one gets it." THANK YOU. Omg, welcome to the club! It's not our fault people can't handle the truth! Santana's allegiance to the truth can best be summed up in her quote from the episode "Born This Way":

Hold up, could we all just get real here for a second? I hear that Rachel has a bit of a schnoz. I mean I wouldn't know because like Medusa I try to avoid eye contact with her. But can we all just stop lying about how there aren't things we don't want to change about ourselves? I'm sure that Sam has been at the doctor's office and riffled through pamphlets on mouth reductions. I'll bet Artie's thought about getting his legs removed since he's not really using them anyway. And I'm definitely sure Tina has looked into getting an eye de-slanting.

Sorry haters can't handle her spilling some mad truth tea, okay!

Shit gets real when Santana starts coming to terms with her feelings for Brittany. "The only straight I am is straight up bitch." #holler While the two enjoy a steady relationship, Santana never let her personal happiness eclipse her responsibility of destroying the happiness of those around her.

As with most things Glee-related, Santana isn't as fun as she used to be. Hell, now that she's in college, she's barely on the show! But she will forever remain one of the bitchiest TV characters of all time. Love her!

Cunt of the Week: Amanda Bynes, Because It Was Only a Matter of Time

"Thaaaaat's me!"

If you're feeling down this holiday season, I suggest a healthy dosage of Cunt of the Week to ease your troubles, because this week's cunt is the most ridiculous person I've ever heard of.

Remember when Amanda Bynes was the shit? She was like Hilary Duff, but the Nickelodeon version. She was part of the bitchin' original cast of All That, headlined her own self-titled variety show, and showed her stuff in films like Big Fat Liar, She's the Man, and Hairspray. Well, as it turns out, like so many lovely ladies on our television screen, Amanda is a total cunt. Her cuntitude can best be conveyed in a timeline.

2002 - 2006: Amanda follows up her teenage success with a show called What I Like About You. For four years, Amanda reportedly had a huge ego, slutted in up like no other, and constantly antagonized her co-star Jennie Garth. Oh Mandy. Putting yourself in direct conflict with a former Bitch of the Week practically seals your fate as a cunt.

June 2010: Amanda announces that she's retiring from acting at the ripe age of 24. "Being an actress isn’t as fun as it may seem," she tweeted. "If I don’t love something anymore, I stop doing it. I don’t love acting anymore, so I’ve stopped doing it." AKA she can't find work and gives up. That is, until...

July 2010: Amanda declares that she's "unretired" only a month after calling it quits. Eyebrows were raised - oh, were they raised - but if anything, she just comes off as reckless and immature.

September 2010: Easy A, Amanda's final pre-retirement project, hits theaters. Although it's funny as fuck, Amanda has an inexplicable case of chipmunk cheeks. Wtf?

March 8, 2012: A police officer pulls Amanda over for talking on her cell phone while driving. He goes to his squad car to write the ticket, but the actress flees the scene before he can give it to her. Showing some semblance of responsibility, she picks up her citation at the police station later in the day.

April 6, 2012: Amanda is arrested for driving under the influence in West Hollywood after crashing into a police car. She refuses to let authorities take a blood test and later goes on to publicly claim that she was not drinking. Millions of 90s children lose their role model.

Literally, within 24 hours of being arrested, Amanda goes clubbing again, but is denied entry into The Stanford club because of her arrest.

April 10, 2012: Amanda is allegedly involved in a hit-and-run after swiping another car on the 101, fleeing the scene, and blowing through a red light.

She's probably scheduling a hair appointment. I would if
that was my hair.

April 12, 2012: Photographers catch Amanda texting while driving. And then she backs her car up a sidewalk. (Picture to the right.)

April 15, 2012: Amanda decides to hold up traffic on a busy West Hollywood street while attempting to make a 3-point turn. This is after she forgets to pay a valet earlier in the day.

May 4, 2012: A fucking police helicopter chases Amanda's ass after she allegedly committed a hit-and-run. When she is finally pulled over, she swears to the police that she didn't realize she had hit another car.

June 6, 2012: Shortly after being officially charged for her DUI, Amanda tweets President Obama and asks him to fire the cop that arrested her. Okay now. That is some Lindsay Lohan-level cray.

August 4, 2012: After a relatively quiet summer, Amanda hits yet another car and then flees the scene once she realizes she would have to exchange information with the victim. In her defense, this is the first car accident she doesn't run away from right away, so she probably doesn't know the proper protocol!

August 20, 2012: Amanda gets rear-ended. At least it's not her fault this time.

September 9, 2012: The roads of LA are safe once again, as Amanda's license is suspended because she can't drive for shit.

The same exact day her license is suspended, Amanda is pulled over for driving... with a suspended license... at night with no headlights.

At least she wore her glasses!

September 13, 2012: Paparazzi trail Amanda for hours as she drives with a suspended license and repeatedly takes pot hits from a pipe. (Picture to the left.)

That same night, Amanda whips up her special, which is getting into another car accident.

September 14, 2012: Amanda gets into another fucking car accident. She was driving with a suspended license. With a scarf around her head.

September 16, 2012: Amanda is pulled over for driving aimlessly around Burbank Airport, ticketed for driving with a suspended license, and her car is impounded.

September 17, 2012: Lindsay Lohan slams Amanda for being a total fuck-up. Wow... If Lindsay Lohan, who is probably the co-founder of the ALC (American League of Cunts) thinks you're even worse off than she is, you are absolutely fucked.

Meanwhile, Amanda shops at a West Hollywood clothing store and locks herself in a dressing room for almost two hours. When she finally emerges, she purchases several items, including a bathing suit she forgets she's wearing underneath her clothes. She then proceeds to sit in a Starbucks by herself for an additional three hours. Clearly, she had a lot to do that day.

September 18, 2012: Amanda decides that she doesn't want a single day to go by without her fucking something up, so she goes to a gym and partakes in a 50-minute spinning class. Eventually, she gets bored and starts wandering around the room aimlessly. And then she takes off her shirt, revealing a black lace bra, not a sports bra. And then she leaves to reapply her make-up for 10 minutes, at which point the instructor throws her sorry ass out.

September 19, 2012: Amanda insists, "I'm doing amazing" before saying that she's retired from acting again, plans to launch a fashion design, and then claiming that she doesn't drink. Ah, hellz naw!

September 21, 2012: After multiple attempts to reach out to their client, Amanda's manager, agent, and publicist all drop her. It's sad when even the people who get paid to keep celebrity's lives together don't even want to deal with her.

September 24, 2012: Amanda is spotted in New York City, taking her cuntitude coast-to-coast. She tells friends that her impromptu trip is so she can "be alone"... in one of the most populated cities in the country.

September 26, 2012: Still fucking shit up in the Big Apple, Amanda strikes again and locks herself in the bathroom of a cupcake shop. After 30 minutes, the employees and patrons grow concerned and start checking on her, but she doesn't reply. They call the police, who arrive 15 minutes to break down the door. Amanda then said, "Excuse me. I was doing my make-up." UMM...

Thankfully, Amanda's most recent issues have been within the confides of a courthouse. And that's not as fun as her getting into a car accident every day, so I'm not going to write about it. My point is, if you're feeling blue or just looking for a reason to be thankful, just be glad you ain't this bitch!

Penelope Taint is most certainly not be Amanda's number-one fan anymore, please.

Jam of the Week: "Scream & Shout" by will.i.am and Britney Spears

This week's Jam of the Week is "Scream & Shout" by will.i.am featuring the legendary Miss Britney Spears. If you've already heard the song, which leaked this weekend but doesn't receive its official release until later this week, you know that it's not the best song in the world. In fact it does a lot of things wrong. Firstly, it's by will.i.am, who is like a pressed version of Timbaland; he's barely tolerable in the Black Eyed Peas, but now he has a solo career? Secondly, the song is just bad. From its forgettable lyrics ("When you hear us in the club/You gotta turn this shit up" and "When we up in the club/All eyes on us") to its basic dance beat, the song does little to distinguish itself from everything else out there.

However, the one thing that this song does right, the one thing that earns "Scream & Shout" the title of Jam of the Week, is BRITNEY. True, she's not in the song a ton; true, she sings in a British accent for most of her solo; true, this song is so decidedly un-Britney that will.i.am could have had just about anyone else sing her part. But at the end of the day, it's Britney, bitch. She even says it in this song, too! So turn up the volume because we about to scream and shout with Britney!

Review: Paradise by Lana Del Rey

Explicit content indeed.

The summer of 2011 was quite eventful. With Britney Spears on tour, it was damn near impossible to focus on anything else. But it was during those hot months that the artist formerly known as Lizzie Grant starting making waves in the music scene. Lana Del Rey's debut single, "Video Games", put her on the map and she had many people buzzing that she was the savior of pop music; however, she's since experience the ugly side of fame. After two atrocious appearances on Saturday Night Live, critics brutally attacked her debut album Born to Die and wrote her off as quickly as they had originally embraced her.

But that shit ain't gonna keep Lana down. This week, she released her latest work, Paradise. Overall, the album lacks the diversity that made Born to Die so great (where's the quasi-rapping, Lana?), but proves that her debut album was more than just a fluke; she may be a little annoying, and incredibly haunting, but she is talented!

Paradise opens with former Jam of the Week "Ride". As I stated in that post, the song is quintessential Lana, as she sings about wandering through life, looking for love to give her a purpose. "Ride" sets up the album perfectly. "I've been trying too hard with one pretty song," she sings, most likely referencing the single that made her famous. I'm loving the autobiographical content, Lana.

"American", the second track, is one of Lana's prettiest songs. To be honest, I'm not sure what this song accomplishes other than expressing Lana's fondness for Americana, but something meaningful must exist within the lyric "Be young, be dope, be proud/Like an American," a line which is followed by excessive cooing. While I don't know what this song means, I know how it makes me feel, and it makes me feel like I should be rolling around in an American flag while high off shrooms.

"My pussy tastes like Pepsi-Cola," Lana sings at the top of "Cola", the funniest song on the album. The track tells the story of a teenage girl seducing an older married man, which a theme I can really support because it's hilarious. What else is comical? When she says, "Drugs suck it up/Like vanilla Icees/Don't treat me rough/Treat me really nicies." Lana's songs are no strangers to baby-talk, but this really takes the cake for its ridiculousness. After listening to this song, I ask you two questions: (1) Between "Cola" and "Diet Mountain Dew" from her debut album, what's up with Lana's cold pop fixation? And (2) What carbonated beverage does your pussy taste like?

"Body Electric" is the next song, and it opens with the lines, "Elvis is my daddy/Marilyn's my mother/Jesus is my bestest friend." The rest of the song is, unfortunately, a let down. The entire chorus consists of Lana simply saying, "I sing the body electric." What the fuck is the body electric? I'm not sure, but I don't like Lana making up shit to sing about.

Lana's cover of "Blue Velvet" is, quite frankly, disturbing. If you've seen any of Lana's H&M commercials, this is the song playing. It truly makes me feel as if I'm about to get married in some seedy motel or something. I don't like it. At all. Moving on.

"Gods & Monsters" is a great song, if for nothing else but its title. Keeping with the overall theme of the album, the song is about sex. "In the land of gods and monsters/I was an angel looking to get fucked hard," she sings. And apparently, she gets her wish, as additional lyrics go: "Fuck yeah, give it to me/This is heaven, what I truly want." I just wonder if she nailed a god or a monster.

The next song, "Yayo", makes me want to die. Seriously, even Lana sounds like the life is being drained from her as she sings. I'm not sure what a yayo is, but I'm applying the "Body Electric" principle here. I don't like songs about made-up shit!

The final song on the standard edition, "Bel Air" is wonderful because the music makes me feel like I'm driving down Wisteria Lane on a bright spring day. The song successfully conveys the opulence of its namesake, and I'm all for things about rich people.

If you get the album on iTunes, you'll be treated to the bonus track "Burning Desire". It might as well be titled "Ride Part II", as it is incredibly similar to the opening song, at least in theme. One one hand, this makes it a great finale for the album; on the other hand, it seems rather excessive.

In conclusion, Paradise is classic Lana. She exudes the same sex-crazed, love-starved fragility that was at the heart of Born to Die. It proves that Lana is more than a one-hit wonder, but also reminds us all, with its many flaws, that she isn't the savior of pop music as she was once heralded.

Bitch of the Week: Emma Stone

Lol.

One of the cardinal rules of being a Bitch of the Week is to not be a redhead. There are only three exceptions to this rule: Marcia Cross, Daphne Blake from Scooby-Doo, and Emma Stone. Today, I welcome the latter, a blonde-dyed-ginge, to the Bitch of the Week family.

Emma has come a long way since her debut film role in Superbad, which remains one of the dumbest movies I've ever seen. Who could forget the classic scene of her attempting to be sexy by wetting her crotch at a sorority car wash in The House Bunny? ("I can't expect everyone to have seen The House Bunny," she's said. "Oh God. I am having such waves of internal embarrassment, which now I'm admitting on a tape recorder. This is so one of the things I should keep in my head.") And Easy A is arguably one of the best teen comedies to ever grace this earth. ("I've still never seen it," she once confessed.)

However, fame didn't come overnight for Emma. "I was a stepsister in a local production of Cinderella," she said of her early career. "I had crazy red hair in a cone shape and lots of blue eye shadow. I had braces at the time, so whenever I smiled it was all red lipstick on my teeth, which was really attractive." Since then, between The Help, Crazy, Stupid, Love, and The Amazing Spider-Man, Emma has proven that she is a great actress, and everything that Lindsay Lohan was supposed to be.

We love you too!

Emma has also excelled in her personal life, as she landed Andrew Garfield. They just make the best couple. They're both funny, attractive, and well-dressed. One of my favorite activities is to search them on tumblr. I wish I was kidding, but I'm not. If they work really hard, they could be the next Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively (although, I think E&A have a better chance at survival).

Emma is young, as is her career, so she still has a lot of bitching up to do. But I think she's doing an excellent job and I hope her status as a Bitch of the Week gives her the encouragement to continue doing what she does best!