Review: Liz & Dick

Is she high? They can't even photoshop her to sobriety.

This past holiday weekend, I gave thanks to Lifetime for providing me with the opportunity to watch Lindsay Lohan make her comeback in the highly coveted role of Elizabeth Taylor. You see, sometime last year, LizzieTay said, "It's my dream to have my life's story told on the silver screen with the aid of the most talented and respected actors Hollywood has to offer." So Lifetime, known for its cinematic mastery, said okay and cast Lilo, who is known the world over for her refined acting skill, reliability, and clean bill of health. And then Elizabeth Taylor died.

The film chronicles the controversial marriage of Taylor and Richard Burton (Grant Bowler), starting with their affair on the set of Cleopatra. What follows is an epic shitshow, with choppy scenes, crappy writing, and cringe-worthy acting. Lindsay did her best to keep Liz's faint British accent, but she couldn't stop herself from slipping back into her natural husky valley girl voice that kind of makes you wish the last Rihanna song you heard just annihilated your ability to hear once and for all. And while Richard was an actor trained in Shakespearean theater, I don't he really talked like he was from the fucking 1400s. "I've got an entire ocean in you." Yuck! The only thing you have with Lindsay is a brick of cocaine. #SorryBoutIt

As Elizabeth and Richard's affair progresses, they break ties with their respective spouses, which prompts Richard's wife to attempt suicide and guilt him into staying with her. So what does Lindsay as Liz do? The same thing. "I won't live without you!" she screams as she downs a handful of sleeping pills with a vodka chaser. "This shouldn't take too long." Nice.

Later, Liz takes a break from both her career and the affair. While attempting to bond with her children, she just screams, out of nowhere, "I'm bored! I'M SO BORED!" It truly is amazing how eloquently she conveyed the audience's opinions. And from there, everything is kind of a blur. At one point, Liz & Dick are living on a boat, slipping deeper into alcoholism, and calling each other fat (or, more specifically, "Miss Pudgy Digits"). They get divorced and then remarried in Botswana. And then divorced again.

Oh, and then this happened. Lol at the shitty aging make-up.

The most deplorable element of Liz & Dick, however, is its mockumentary aspect. Reality-style confessionals of the two titular characters are randomly interspersed throughout the film. The writer clearly didn't know how to convey the characters' emotions in the script's dialog, so he just decided to have them break the fourth wall and literally just tell the audience how they feel. How neat. It was all too confusing as well, as Lindsay and Grant are playing the characters at their ages in the beginning of the film, yet they're reminiscing about events that took place almost two decades later, like Dick's death. Is this some sort of quasi-heaven?

In all honesty, the film is not that bad. In the grand scheme of things, it's at least on par with much of what Lifetime usually barfs out. But everything was working against it. One of the most controversial stars today was portraying one of the most controversial stars in history. Everybody expected it to be memorable but also made up their minds ahead of time that it would be horrible. I'm not saying Lindsay deserves an Emmy for this, and her skill has definitely suffered in the hazy years between now and her Mean Girls hay day, but shouldn't we be commending her for at least attempting to get her life back on track?

Nah. This was total garbage and she should be ashamed of herself. You can bet your bottom dollar the Elizabeth Taylor is probably having a fucking seizure in her grave over this mess. I think Linday should star in a crappy CBS sitcom or something. That will keep her working consistently and (hopefully) out of rehab or jail and off the roads!