Cunt of the Week: Christina Aguilera

Too dirrty to clean my act up.

A wise man, aka me, once said that Christina Aguilera was "like the lovechild of Snooki and Miss Piggy." The singer, whose song "Your Body" is a former Jam of the Week, is an atrocity. The anti-Britney, and therefore the anti-Christ, has been cunting it up for fucking ever. Well guess what, bitch? The genie's out of the bottle. Because today, you're officially the Cunt of the Week.

How cute! Well, everyone except for Christina.

Christina began poisoning the minds of innocent Americans in 1991 when she joined The Mickey Mouse Club alongside Justin Timberlake, Ryan Gosling, and the legendary Miss Britney Spears. Even as a child she was a major pain in everyone's ass and she earned the nickname "the Diva" on set. Sure, they said it was because of her amazing vocal talents, but we all know it's because she was cunting it up like no other. Luckily, she faded into obscurity when the show was cancelled three years later. That is, until...

In 1998, Aguilera was so desperate for work that she had no choice but to go to her former employer, the Walt Disney Company. They were all like, "Not this bitch again." But she was like, "Yeah, I'm back" and forced them to let her sing "Reflection" for the film Mulan. Had they known that the song would launch Xtina into super stardom, I bet the Disney execs wouldn't have let her sing it. But we cannot prevent what we cannot predict.

Luckily, Britney Spears was beginning her own singing career at the same time (although she didn't have to go through Disney to do it). And while Britney was perfecting her adorably sexy Lolita act, Christina was just being a blunt slut with songs like "Genie in a Bottle" and "What a Girl Wants", in which she begged for us to rub all up on her barely-legal body.

It's called being a cunt.

But even that wasn't trashy enough for Floptina, as she made a point to re-invent her image and become an even bigger whore. Her song "Dirrty" (because two r's are better than one) became her life motto, and the world was subjected to an entire era of cuntitude. But don't worry, because she assured everybody that "I'm not just another bimbo."

It was around this time that everybody stopped caring about Christina. Did you know that Madonna kissed Xtina during the same performance in which she infamously locked lips with Britney Spears? Probably not. Nobody does.

Soon enough, however, Christina was bored again and realized that people don't respond well when she basically gives blowjobs on stage. So she decided to class up her act by becoming a Marilyn Monroe wannabe. I fully and solely blame Christina for launching this generation of girls' belief that Marilyn Monroe is the most inspirational woman who ever lived and for allowing said girls to think that if they post the same fucking MM quote in their Facebook status as someone else did ten minutes before, it somehow makes them special and deep.

In the past three years, Christina has released two albums: Bionic and Lotus. Never heard of them? Yeah, there's a reason. They're awful and they sold like four copies each. During this time, she somehow found some sucker to marry and father her child, got a divorce, fucked up the national anthem at the Super Bowl, got arrested for being drunk as fuck in public, embarrassed herself to no-end as the pressed judge on The Voice, and pretended to be an actress in Burlesque.

It's not secret that Christina has always been a cunt, and I'm thankful that people are finally starting to catch on. It gives me great pleasure to award her Cunt of the Week. I'll leave you with this. In her song "Beautiful", Christina sings "words can't bring you down." But damn, has she definitely tried! Click here to take a look at all the celebrities she's dissed and all the ones who have recounted the nasty things she's done to them!