25 Days of Christmas #3: "Little Saint Nick" by the Beach Boys

Oh, the Beach Boys. Remember when they were on Full House? For most people, that would be the highlight of their careers. (It certainly was for Candace Cameron, am I right?) But the Beach Boys were singing all about the California lifestyle long before that, and lucky for us, they had a Christmas song. "Little Saint Nick" hardly needs an introduction other than it's amazing!

Happy Birthday to Britney Spears: An Official Tommy Time Holiday

You want a piece of her?

Thirty-one years ago, the legendary Miss Britney Spears hit the scene like a meteor crashing down to Earth. Life would never be the same. Throughout her lifetime, Britney has redefined the music industry humanity. As I write this, tears stream down my face; I cannot even deal with the amazingness.

Oh Britney, how do you do it? How does one simply become the best-selling teenage singer of all time? How does one go about being the best-selling female artist of the 21st century? What method does one employ to sell over 100 million records worldwide? What does one have to do to get a star on the Walk of Fame at the ripe age of 21? I'm not sure how Britney has done it all, but I'm sure glad she did!

To commemorate Britney's 31st birthday, I officially name December 2 Britney Spears Day, the first official Tommy Time holiday. How fun! Congratulations and happy birthday to the Queen of Pop!

25 Days of Christmas #2: "Christmas (Baby, Please Come Home)" by Leighton Meester

Most modern Christmas songs don't celebrate Jesus and cannibalistic beliefs, but rather sing about lost love with a loose holiday theme. "Christmas (Baby, Please Come Home)" is absolutely no exception. The song was originally sung by Darlene Love in 1963, but I'm just not into that. Instead, I bring to you the Leighton Meester version. It's such a jam! Happy holidays!

25 Days of Christmas #1: "All I Want for Christmas is You" by Mariah Carey

 Now that it's officially Christmas, I decided that I should do something to celebrate. So voila! I bring to you the first of 25 Days of Christmas. Every day until the glorious holiday that commemorates the birth of Britney Spears Jesus, I will post a holiday song to get us all in the spirit!

What better song to kick off the countdown than Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas is You". While Mariah is annoying as all hell (nobody is obsessed with you, omg get a clue), there's no denying that this isn't a classic holiday jam. So, without further ado, Merry Christmas!

Bitch of the Week: Angelica Pickles

The ultimate bitch lifestyle.

If you're name is Angelica Pickles, you have two options: you can either let people bully you because you're name is lame or you can own that shit because your name is the best thing ever. At the young age of three, Angelica knew to take the latter route in Rugrats, one of the greatest cartoons of all time.

Angelica is a grade A bitch. No matter how mean she is to cousin Tommy and his ragtag group of friends, which included a ginger and two lopsided incestuous twins, they always wanted her approval. And who wouldn't? She gets everything she wants, usually a cookie; she has her parents, and most other adults, wrapped around her fingers; she knows how to defend her turf from the nuisance that is Susie Carmichael from down the street; hell, she even understands the value of a Barbie Cynthia doll over some stupid Godzilla knock-off. Simply put, Angelica is an inspiration, a Regina George in training, if you will.

Always the center of attention, Angelica serenades the gang.
Can we just look at how fucking pressed Susie is?

Angelica's bitchery is evident in almost every episode of the show. Remember the time she convinced Chuckie that a watermelon was going to grow inside him since he swallowed a seed? Or what about the time she broke Tommy's clown lamp but held a trial and tried to blame that shit on one of the babies? And who could forget when she stole Aunt Didi's identity to order delivery over the phone?

Angelica in one of many Christmas specials, proving that
bitchery is never seasonal.

Perhaps it was Rugrats in Paris in which Angelica was shining at her brightest. Bitch wanted a float in the Euro Reptarland parade and was willing to go to any lengths to fulfill that wish. So she promises to help Coco Labouche con Chuckie's dad into marrying her. Amazing, the refined bitchery of which Angelica was capable at such a young age. We should all look at her as a prodigy and an inspiration.

It's no wonder she went rogue, though. Imagine if your familial and social circles were constantly being bombarded by outsiders. First, Susie moves her sorry ass into the neighborhood and continually tries to wigsnatch Angelica. Then, Stu and Didi are unable to control themselves and soon enough Angelica has to deal with a new cousin, Dil, who is a HUGE pain in the ass. And then Chuckie gets an Asian stepsister named Kimi! KIMI! What the hell is that? Is that even a name?

Angelica has taught us many things, the most important of all being that you are never too young to be a bitch. I implore you all, as you start your families and raise your children, to encourage them to embrace this lifestyle. You won't be disappointed.

I couldn't not put this in here.

Cunt of the Week: Christina Aguilera

Too dirrty to clean my act up.

A wise man, aka me, once said that Christina Aguilera was "like the lovechild of Snooki and Miss Piggy." The singer, whose song "Your Body" is a former Jam of the Week, is an atrocity. The anti-Britney, and therefore the anti-Christ, has been cunting it up for fucking ever. Well guess what, bitch? The genie's out of the bottle. Because today, you're officially the Cunt of the Week.

How cute! Well, everyone except for Christina.

Christina began poisoning the minds of innocent Americans in 1991 when she joined The Mickey Mouse Club alongside Justin Timberlake, Ryan Gosling, and the legendary Miss Britney Spears. Even as a child she was a major pain in everyone's ass and she earned the nickname "the Diva" on set. Sure, they said it was because of her amazing vocal talents, but we all know it's because she was cunting it up like no other. Luckily, she faded into obscurity when the show was cancelled three years later. That is, until...

In 1998, Aguilera was so desperate for work that she had no choice but to go to her former employer, the Walt Disney Company. They were all like, "Not this bitch again." But she was like, "Yeah, I'm back" and forced them to let her sing "Reflection" for the film Mulan. Had they known that the song would launch Xtina into super stardom, I bet the Disney execs wouldn't have let her sing it. But we cannot prevent what we cannot predict.

Luckily, Britney Spears was beginning her own singing career at the same time (although she didn't have to go through Disney to do it). And while Britney was perfecting her adorably sexy Lolita act, Christina was just being a blunt slut with songs like "Genie in a Bottle" and "What a Girl Wants", in which she begged for us to rub all up on her barely-legal body.

It's called being a cunt.

But even that wasn't trashy enough for Floptina, as she made a point to re-invent her image and become an even bigger whore. Her song "Dirrty" (because two r's are better than one) became her life motto, and the world was subjected to an entire era of cuntitude. But don't worry, because she assured everybody that "I'm not just another bimbo."

It was around this time that everybody stopped caring about Christina. Did you know that Madonna kissed Xtina during the same performance in which she infamously locked lips with Britney Spears? Probably not. Nobody does.

Soon enough, however, Christina was bored again and realized that people don't respond well when she basically gives blowjobs on stage. So she decided to class up her act by becoming a Marilyn Monroe wannabe. I fully and solely blame Christina for launching this generation of girls' belief that Marilyn Monroe is the most inspirational woman who ever lived and for allowing said girls to think that if they post the same fucking MM quote in their Facebook status as someone else did ten minutes before, it somehow makes them special and deep.

In the past three years, Christina has released two albums: Bionic and Lotus. Never heard of them? Yeah, there's a reason. They're awful and they sold like four copies each. During this time, she somehow found some sucker to marry and father her child, got a divorce, fucked up the national anthem at the Super Bowl, got arrested for being drunk as fuck in public, embarrassed herself to no-end as the pressed judge on The Voice, and pretended to be an actress in Burlesque.

It's not secret that Christina has always been a cunt, and I'm thankful that people are finally starting to catch on. It gives me great pleasure to award her Cunt of the Week. I'll leave you with this. In her song "Beautiful", Christina sings "words can't bring you down." But damn, has she definitely tried! Click here to take a look at all the celebrities she's dissed and all the ones who have recounted the nasty things she's done to them!

Review: Liz & Dick

Is she high? They can't even photoshop her to sobriety.

This past holiday weekend, I gave thanks to Lifetime for providing me with the opportunity to watch Lindsay Lohan make her comeback in the highly coveted role of Elizabeth Taylor. You see, sometime last year, LizzieTay said, "It's my dream to have my life's story told on the silver screen with the aid of the most talented and respected actors Hollywood has to offer." So Lifetime, known for its cinematic mastery, said okay and cast Lilo, who is known the world over for her refined acting skill, reliability, and clean bill of health. And then Elizabeth Taylor died.

The film chronicles the controversial marriage of Taylor and Richard Burton (Grant Bowler), starting with their affair on the set of Cleopatra. What follows is an epic shitshow, with choppy scenes, crappy writing, and cringe-worthy acting. Lindsay did her best to keep Liz's faint British accent, but she couldn't stop herself from slipping back into her natural husky valley girl voice that kind of makes you wish the last Rihanna song you heard just annihilated your ability to hear once and for all. And while Richard was an actor trained in Shakespearean theater, I don't he really talked like he was from the fucking 1400s. "I've got an entire ocean in you." Yuck! The only thing you have with Lindsay is a brick of cocaine. #SorryBoutIt

As Elizabeth and Richard's affair progresses, they break ties with their respective spouses, which prompts Richard's wife to attempt suicide and guilt him into staying with her. So what does Lindsay as Liz do? The same thing. "I won't live without you!" she screams as she downs a handful of sleeping pills with a vodka chaser. "This shouldn't take too long." Nice.

Later, Liz takes a break from both her career and the affair. While attempting to bond with her children, she just screams, out of nowhere, "I'm bored! I'M SO BORED!" It truly is amazing how eloquently she conveyed the audience's opinions. And from there, everything is kind of a blur. At one point, Liz & Dick are living on a boat, slipping deeper into alcoholism, and calling each other fat (or, more specifically, "Miss Pudgy Digits"). They get divorced and then remarried in Botswana. And then divorced again.

Oh, and then this happened. Lol at the shitty aging make-up.

The most deplorable element of Liz & Dick, however, is its mockumentary aspect. Reality-style confessionals of the two titular characters are randomly interspersed throughout the film. The writer clearly didn't know how to convey the characters' emotions in the script's dialog, so he just decided to have them break the fourth wall and literally just tell the audience how they feel. How neat. It was all too confusing as well, as Lindsay and Grant are playing the characters at their ages in the beginning of the film, yet they're reminiscing about events that took place almost two decades later, like Dick's death. Is this some sort of quasi-heaven?

In all honesty, the film is not that bad. In the grand scheme of things, it's at least on par with much of what Lifetime usually barfs out. But everything was working against it. One of the most controversial stars today was portraying one of the most controversial stars in history. Everybody expected it to be memorable but also made up their minds ahead of time that it would be horrible. I'm not saying Lindsay deserves an Emmy for this, and her skill has definitely suffered in the hazy years between now and her Mean Girls hay day, but shouldn't we be commending her for at least attempting to get her life back on track?

Nah. This was total garbage and she should be ashamed of herself. You can bet your bottom dollar the Elizabeth Taylor is probably having a fucking seizure in her grave over this mess. I think Linday should star in a crappy CBS sitcom or something. That will keep her working consistently and (hopefully) out of rehab or jail and off the roads!