Bitch of the Week: Emily Thorne

She a bad bitch.

She may be lost at sea with two bullet wounds in her gut, but there's no denying that Emily Thorne is and always will be Bitch of the Week material. Unfamiliar with the first bitchin' BoW of the New Year? Well, she's a mass manipulator and the center of the chess game of eternal fuckery that is Revenge.

To explain Revenge to someone who doesn't watch it is much like teacher a the blind how to color in the lines. Hell, explaining Revenge to someone who DOES watch the show isn't much easier. But with a title like that, you know it must breed bitches like no other. In the spirit of getting everyone on the same page, or at least in the same library, I'll take a stab at simplifying the fuck out of this sudsy storyline.

Emily Thorne was born Amanda Clarke, the apple of her beloved father David's eye. When she was a child, Emily saw her father carted off to jail for terrorism, and then murdered will he was in the slammer. Now, as an adult, Amanda has vowed to exact revenge upon the people who framed her father. With a new identity, she targets the two people most responsible, the patriarch and matriarch of America's most powerful family: Conrad Grayson, David's boss, and Victoria Grayson, David's mistress.

Essentially, it's The Count of Monte Cristo meets Gossip Girl. And as you can imagine, there's about a million other people involved, and just when you think you've finally caught on to what's going on, you realize that you're lost at sea.

Hey, that brings me back to my first point. You see, after taking down countless people who helped the Graysons frame her father, Emily was about to finally pull off the ultimate revenge we've all been waiting three seasons for: marry the eldest Grayson heir, Daniel, and then frame Victoria for her own murder. But something goes awry. Daniel finds out about Emily's lies (to a very limited extent), and shoots her in a drunken rage and now she's somewhere in the ocean.

The show returns from its winter hiatus this Sunday, and we'll finally learn Emily's fate. (Excuse me if I'm not shocked when she turns up alive... You know, being the fucking main character and all.)

So you know the basic plot of the show. But what makes Emily Thorne Bitch of the Week material? That's just it! To know why she's the ultimate bitch, and why she's setting the pace for all future BoWs in 2014, you have to watch the show. I'm not plugging, I'm just saying. Emily is cold, calculating, and brilliant. Her uncanny ability to manipulate everyone, predict their behavior, and set traps that they fall right into is something we should aspire to.

So cheers, Emily. When you wash up on the Hamptons shore, I hope you continue to be the devious bitch we all know and love