Bitch of the Week: Heather Chandler

Preach!!!

If you haven't seen Heathers, you should stop reading right now because you're embarrassing and you need to watch the film asap! It's like Mean Girls but a lot darker and 80s. If you have seen the movie, you know it's about a group of choice bitches who all have the name Heather. There's Heather McNamara, a cheerleader who is dumb as all hell; Heather Duke, a bulimic played by a pre-90210 Shannen Doherty; and of course, Heather Chandler, the alpha bitch. (We know she's the queen bee because she has a red scrunchie.)

Heather is the ideal bitch. She's blonde, popular, and doesn't give compliments to anyone. She's also refreshingly aware of her status as a fucking legend amongst her peers: "They all want me as a friend or a fuck. I'm worshiped at Westerburg and I'm only a junior!" It's only natural that the other Heathers would want to ride on her coattails.

Oh yeah. There's also fucking Veronica, who you know is going to be a major cunt from the start because she doesn't have the right name and is played by Winona Ryder. Out of the goodness of her heart, Head Hancho Heather lets V into the group. "You wanted to be a member of the most powerful clique in school," she reminds her. "If I wasn't already the head of it, I'd want the same thing."

But that doesn't mean Veronica is spared from Heather's chic bitchery and commitment to honesty. None of her friends are! "Did you have a brain tumor for breakfast?" she asks a Heather after she requested to be red during a game of croquet. That's right, bitch plays croquet because that is some classy shit. "Grow up, Heather. Bulimia is so '87," she chastises the other Heather who's about to have a finger for dessert.

When Heather isn't busy giving her friends complexes or forging sex notes to mock the socially undesirable, she's attending college parties. In a lapse of judgment, she brings Veronica to one such party #evenbitchesmakemistakes. Naturally, Veronica is so embarrassing because she refuses to hook up with a guy and then throws up. Heather does not let this humiliation go unscathed:

You stupid fuck! I brought you to a Remington party and what's my thanks? It's on a hallway carpet. I got paid in puke. You were nothing before you met me. You were playing Barbies with Betty Finn. You were a Bluebird. You were a Brownie. You were a Girl Scout cookie.

But being so flawless doesn't go unpunished. For every true bitch, there's 100 pressed haters just waiting to watch her fall. So when Veronica befriends a trigger-happy loner named JD, they decide that Heather needs to die. And not in a John Tucker Must Die kind of way. Like actually die. They poison her with drain cleaner and she dies in an apparent suicide, taking out a fabulous glass coffee table with her.

RIP.

And that's all in the first 20 minutes! It takes a true bitch to make such an impact in only the first act of a movie. So well done, Heather! You'll always be the only Heather in my heart, even if Heather Duke tried to wear red after you died.