Bitch of the Week: Pam from True Blood

Bitches live forever.

In anticipation of True Blood's triumphant return to television this weekend, I'm giving Bitch of the Week to none other than Pam, who brings her own vampirical sass to Bon Temps. For those of you that are too lily-livered to watch the sexy goriness of True Blood and don't know what it's about, the show follows a Louisiana community plagued with vampires, fairies, witches, werewolves, and other supernatural creatures.

Back in 1905, Pam was the madame of a San Francisco brothel. One night, she fell in love with Eric Northman, a vampire who saved her life. Fearing life as an old ex-whore, Pam attempted suicide so that Eric would turn her into one of his own. And it worked. (Classic bitch manipulation. Love it!)

Hot damn! ASkar in a top hot.

So those are pretty much the first few reasons why Pam is a grade-A bitch. Not only was she a sassy prostitute, but she managed to steal the heart of Eric, who's played by the most beautiful specimen in the world, Alexander Skarsgård. And that was just at the turn of the century! Naturally, in the 100+ years that followed, Pam bitched it up in countless ways for generations of mortals.

As Eric's right-hand woman and occasional lover, she helps him run Fangtasia, a popular vampire bar. It's a job she does well, but that doesn't mean she does it with much enthusiasm. You see, Pam's view on life is to be sarcastic, demeaning, and rude to almost everyone. This is especially true when Eric starts falling for some basic, irrelevant, gap-toothed, mind-reading fairy/waitress named Sookie. Let's look at some examples:

• On Sookie: "I am so over Sookie and her precious fairy vagina and her unbelievably stupid name."
• On the importance of deadlines: "I'll give you 24 hours to deliver that witch to me, and if you don't, I'll personally fuck, eat, and kill all three of you."
• On being a good friend: "I don't know what it is about me that makes people think I want to hear their problems. Maybe I smile too much. Maybe I wear too much pink. But please remember I can rip your throat out if I need to."
• On girl power: "Did I miss something? Are we girls now? Did we join a book club and read some queer chick lit memoirs and are bound together by estrogen or sisterhood or some other feminist drivel?"
• On redheads: "Don't play games with me, you little ginger bitch."
• On team work: "I'm wearin' a Walmart sweatsuit for y'all. If that is not a demonstration of team spirit, I don't know what is."
• On witches: "Let me kill this uppity Wiccan cunt."

Thank God True Blood is on HBO, so bitches like Pam don't have to abide by the restraints of television censorship and we can enjoy them in all their glory.

And there you have it. Thankfully Pam is a vampire and will live for posterity, so the world, albeit a fictional one, can enjoy her sass for ever.

This should be the mantra for all BoWs.