Cunt of the Week: Justin Bieber

Didn't hear me? I called you a cunt.

I've always aimed to make the Cunt of the Week award progressive, to make it attainable for anybody, regardless of race, religion, or gender. So, fourteen cunts in, I've finally selected the first of what I'm sure will be many male cunts. (Kind of an oxymoron, wouldn't you say?) And the culprit lucky recipient... Justin Bieber, because it seems like a smooth, easy transition.

Even if you live under a proverbial rock, you still know who Justin, often referred to as the Biebs, is. There's no escaping this prick, no matter how hard you try. Just when you think you're in the clear, BAM! Suddenly he's dating one of your favorite tween starlets, and then you really can't ignore him (but we'll get into that shit later). First and foremost, let me start by saying I don't get it. I just don't get why or how Justin has managed this level of fame or success. Merrily, however, I go on, because this cunt 'bout to get served. #mmhmm!

Justin was born in Canada, which I always imagine as just a cleaner version of America. I've never actually been to Canada, and after it cursed us with both Justin and Carly Rae Jepsen in the same three-year period, I don't ever plan to. Justin's mother was an unwed 17-year-old when she popped out the Bieber from her beaver, and if you ever watch the way she discusses motherhood in interviews, you'd think she gave birth to fucking Jesus or something.

Sometime in the mid-90s, God decided that he really dgafed when it came to making people, thus producing a generation of complete fucking idiots. Thus, by 2008, there was an entire army of uncultured, financially irresponsible, and apparently deaf preteens ready to launch Justin into stardom. They found his crappy YouTube videos and watched that shit on repeat. Pretty soon, manager and part-time pedo Scooter Braun caught wind of Justin's online popularity and, in a move that still makes little sense to me, brought him to Usher, who signed him to a recording contract.

What followed was the closest thing to an apocalypse this planet has ever seen.

Justin shot to super stardom, seemingly overnight. Whether they liked it or not, everybody knew the words to "Baby" (not like it was hard). The baby-faced singer and his swooshy haircut adorned many a locker. Bieber Fever was, like, a thing. He was on top of the world. But there was a catch... Puberty.

The world was buzzing. How would Justin manage once his balls dropped and his voice followed? Well, unfortunately for those of us who still respect humanity, he did just fine! He released a new crop of songs that were phenomenally better than his old shit. (The lower octaves suit him.) Still, as Christina Aguilera has proven, catchy club music does not excuse you from massive amounts of cuntitude.

With new music came a new personal image and a fresh attitude. Justin, who's barely legal today, started flipping off the paparazzi and saying things like "wussup man, how you doin?" and "it's like, whateva" despite being raised in middle-class suburbia. He started dating Selena Gomez, to which I took personal offense, and smoked weed like it was going out of style. Oh, and he started dressing like this to meet the Prime Minister of Canada:

I wouldn't even wear this to meet a prostitute.

He was no longer the adorable boy next door, but some pint-sized wankster wannabe. All the while, Justin advocated pro-life, even under the circumstances of rape, referred to homosexuality as a "decision," and, perhaps most offensively, shunned the VERY generous comparisons between him and Justin Timberlake.

And, only 3 years into his career, he's already whored himself out like no other. Let's take a look:

• His haircut in 2010 forced toymakers to change merchandise modeled after the Biebs, making it the most musical expensive haircut ever.
• He capitalized on his lesbian appearance by posing for an androgynous magazine.
• He's duetted with EVERYONE under the fucking sun, including Lucacris, Sean Kingston, Jaden Smith, Miley Cyrus, Big Sean, Drake, Nicki Minaj, Chris Brown, Usher, Mariah Carey, and Carley Rae Jepsen.
• Speaking of Carly Rae, even though she placed third on Canadian Idol in 2007 and had a decent career before "Call Me Maybe", the Biebs somehow managed to take credit for discovering her.

At only 18 years old, Justin Bieber has a lifetime of cunting it up ahead of him. Here's hoping that he eventually gets his shit together. But I'm not getting my hopes up.