Cunt of the Week: Angelina Jolie

One of the few times you'll see her smiling.

Cunt of the Week Angelina Jolie belongs to a rare breed of cunt, one that masks its cuntitude behind critically-acclaimed performances and selfless charitable work. Obviously, individuals like Angelina are sick bitches who need to be committed. Unfortunately, Angelina is no stranger to the looney bin and it seems like no amount of psychotherapy will slay this dragon.

For those of you who are unaware, Angelina Jolie is a home-wrecking whore and collector of the finest infants Africa has to offer. She occasionally moonlights as an actress as well. She began cultivating her acting ambitions as a moody-as-fuck teenager. From age 14, she enjoyed experimenting with any drug she could find, running off with her boyfriend of the week (many of which lived with her and her mother -- nice), and playing with knives. She got along well with her mom, but couldn't forgive her father's infidelity (keep this in mind). She also felt alienated from her peers, particularly when she began attending Beverly Hills High School.

WAIT. You mean to tell me that this bitch got to go to Beverly Hills High, which is like my dream, and she spent the entire time complaining?! Omg. I can't.

As her career began to take off with Girl, Interrupted and other films I couldn't give two shits about, she decided that being bisexual would be a fun trend to set, so she did that. She also made out with her brother at the Academy Awards in 2000.

Around the same time as her career breakout, Angelina began dating Billy Bob Thornton. Ever the embodiment of class that everyone thinks she is, Angelina wasn't shy about the relationship and spoke publicly about how they had sex in limos on their way to premiere events. And there was something else... What was it? Oh yeah. They wore viles of one another's blood around their necks. Even vampires wouldn't be into that shit. The couple got married, probably shopped around the Sahara desert for a couple of kids, and then divorced three years later. I, like most, was shocked because if that wasn't a stable marriage, I can't tell you what is.

The most famous love triangle in history.

More famously, Angelina cunted it up on the set of Mr. & Mrs. Smith in 2004 and stole costar Brad Pitt from his then-wife, Jennifer Aniston. UMM. Isn't this the same bitch who complained about her dad cheating on her mom? Seems like Angie has a major case of BlackKettleitis. As if ruining one of Hollywood's golden marriages wasn't enough, Angelina decided to further inflate her own ego and insult the intelligence of the public by saying that she and Brad didn't fall in love until after he divorced Jen and would refuse to comment on the nature of their relationship thereafter, even though they were producing and adopting like 38 children all the while. #TeamJen

As far as we know, Brangelina is still going strong. They decided they wouldn't get married until everybody had the legal right to do so, but got bored with waiting for that and are currently planning a wedding. Here's hoping Brad gets cold feet and leaves this basic demonic bitch as the altar.

Still hoping to repair the damage done to her reputation when she decided to become a whore, Angelina does a bunch of charity work. Additionally, she tries desperately to cling to her youth, as her appearance is one of the few things that people like about her. Hers is the kind of beauty that make people like Octomom neglect their children and pay gross amounts of money to duplicate. It's nice to know Angie has such a positive influence.

And there you have it. Angelina Jolie: actress, humanitarian, and grade-A cunt. So the next time you're channel surfing and come across one of Angelina's movies, please change the channel to a Friends rerun. Let's stick it to the bitch!