Bitch of the Week: Kathryn Merteuil

Before Gossip Girl, there was Kathryn Merteuil.

Where does one start with a Bitch of the Week like Kathryn Merteuil? She's a schemer, a discreet slut, and a cocaine addict. Those are all the makings for the perfect bitch. But let's start from the beginning, shall we? The year was 1999 and a teenexploitative adaptation of Dangerous Liaisons was underway. Cruel Intentions focused on Kathryn and her equally-as-sinister stepbrother, Sebastian Velmont (Ryan Philippe).

"You and I are two of a kind. At least I have
the guts to admit it."

The glorious Sarah Michelle Gellar brings to life Kathryn, whose evil nature is hidden beneath a gentle smile and student body presidency. Fresh off a dumping from Court Reynolds, Kathryn plots revenge on the new object of her ex-beau's affections, the naive and socially inept Cecile Caldwell (Selma Blair). Her plan of attack? Transform Cecile into a major slut so that Court won't find her as appealing. She enlists Sebastian's help in doing so. Meanwhile, the devious duo have a concurrent bet. If Sebastian fails in his pursuit to uncork and pork goody two-shoes Annette Hargrove (Reese Witherspoon), his prized car is Kathryn's; however, if he is successful, Kathryn will sleep with him.

Oh yeah, that's the best part of it all! Sebastian and Kathryn aren't only stepsiblings, but they're also lovers and have done just about everything except good ol' fashion fornication. And who can blame her? What else is a bored little rich girl in the late 90s to do during the summer?

As the film's plot unfolds, Kathryn continues to spin her web of lies and deceit, and even double-crosses Sebastian in the process. She also says a lot of hilarious and inspirational shit:

• "Everybody loves me, and I intend to keep it that way."
• "Unfortunately, our Don Juan is moving at the speed of a Special Olympics hurdler."
• "I hate it when things don't go my way. It makes me so horny."
• "I'm the Marcia fucking Brady of the Upper East Side, and sometimes I want to kill myself."
• "You were very much in love with her. And you're still in love with her. But it amused me to make you ashamed of it."
• "Don't you get it? You're a toy, Sebastian. A little toy I like to play with."

And my personal favorite...

But what I love most about Kathryn is not her quick wit. It's not her unparalleled ability to scheme and destroy the lives of others. It's not even the fact that her crucifix necklace doubles as a vile of cocaine. It's the simple truth of her ultimately dgafing when it comes to anything or anyone else other than herself. I find this lifestyle so inspiring and educational that I even have a picture of Kathryn on my door. No joke.

There exists a Cruel Intentions 2 in which Amy Adams gives her half-assed attempt at a prequel Kathryn. Even more atrociously, Cruel Intentions 3 states that Kathryn was shipped off to some California rehab center. This is all bullshit. (1) Nobody but SMG could pull off Kathryn. (2) Kathryn would never let anybody banish her to a cocaine-less hellhole. No. Kathryn is forever the Queen Bitch, and if we all follow her example, then we will know paradise.