A haircut like this practically begs for Cunt of the Week.
Paige McCullers from Pretty Little Liars is the latest cunt to join the famed Cunt of the Week club. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the show, it centers around four teenage girls who try to solve the murder of their best friend Alison while dodging bullets (both literal and figurative) sent their way by a mysterious blackmailer called A. One of our primary antagonists is Emily Fields (Shay Mitchell), who is arguably the prettiest of all the liars. Emily succeeds mostly in two things: (1) being a lesbian, and (2) fucking up absolutely everything because she is incredibly stupid.
The only character on the show who is more of a lesbian and more of a screw-up that Emily is her on-and-off girlfriend, Paige, portrayed by Lindsey Shaw. (Sorry, Maya comes in third place.) Don't know who Lindsey Shaw is? Kill yourself! She rose to fame playing budding lesbian Moze on Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide. Good shit.
Paige is initially introduced in Pretty Little Liars as Emily's homophobic nemesis. "We all know what team you really play for," she snaps. (You see, Paige is incredibly original.) She and Emily are constantly duking it out for captain of the swim team. At one point, Paige tries to drown Emily. #Justified
Eventually, things get really heated, which thrilled me, because I love shit revolving around sports. Eventually, Paige shows up at Emily's doorstep in the pouring rain and apologizes for being such a major cunt. On her way home, she gets in a bicycle accident. That's right. A junior in high school rides her bike across the entire fucking town in the middle of a hail storm. Ever heard of a car, bitch? Later, Paige and Emily go for a "casual swim" together whilst Selena Gomez's "I Won't Apologize" plays. If you haven't heard it, give it a listen. It's the perfect song for lesbians.
At this point, Paige isn't out of the closet but she's certainly reaching for the doorknob. All it takes is her father to embarrass her at school and she comes FLYING out, practically raping an unexpecting Emily in her car. I'm pretty sure it was raining then, too. As time passes, Paige continues to be a raging cunt while Emily bounces between Paige and every other lesbian in Rosewood. First Paige is like, "Yeah, I'm a lesbian." Then she's like, "Nope. I'm straight as an arrow." Then she's all like, "Yeah, maybe." In actuality, she says: "Sorry, Emily — I’m not looking to join a club and ride down Main Street on a rainbow chopper." And then she kind of goes away for a while.
By the third season, Paige is solidifying her position as the biggest cunt in town. (And with Ella around, that's hard to do.) Not only does she take advantage of an intoxicated Emily, but Paige gets drunk and makes a fool of herself at Jenna's birthday party.
Then this happens.
Later that season, Emily's friends suspect that Paige might be A, since she's psycho as all fuck and basically tried to kill Alison back in the day. You see, they had an intense rivalry because Alison would always call Paige "pig skin." #TeamAli
They soon eliminate that theory. I'm not sure how. A lot of crap happens on this show and it's hard to keep track of. But after that, they welcome Paige in as part of the gang and she's always there. I'm sorry, but if I suspected someone of having been a murderer, I don't know if I'd be buddy-buddy with them even after my suspicions were invalidated. Not only that, but why would Paige want to hang out with people who once thought she killed their best friend?!
Most recently, Paige decides to dispel lesbian stereotypes and show up to a Halloween party in a tuxedo. Then she fights off a costumed A who is trying to choke Spencer (one of the liars). You know what this means... She's gained even more of their trust and will practically be the fifth fucking pretty little liar! Ugh.
So, in summary. Paige is a cunt because she has pig skin and she took out her internal struggles on innocent, albeit annoying, lesbians like Emily. Then she became a rapist.
Fannequins unite! To add some color to this desolate Monday, I've selected "We Own the Night" by Jessie and the Toy Boys as the Jam of the Week. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the band, it consists of lead singer Jessie Malakouti and a bunch of mannequins (the boy toys).
I first fell in love with Jessie and the Boy Toys when I stumbled upon one of their songs several years ago. Then, in June 2011, I saw them in concert when they opened up for the legendary Miss Britney Spears. As the saying goes, if Britney deems somebody worthy of opening for her on tour, you best listen to 'em!
"We Own the Night" is the perfect jam to get you through the week. With lyrics like "Hey! You ready for the rock show?/Hey! Bling bling in a limo/We boom boom like an echo/Come come come to the floor, yo," there is no shortage of Eurotrash dance floor energy here!
If the song sounds familiar to you, it's probably because it was used to advertise The CW's fall line-up a few years back.
What time is it? Bitch of the Week time! Or in this case, bitches of the week. That's right: this time around, Zac Efron, Vanessa Hudgens, and Ashley Tisdale are working hand-in-hand to prove that sometimes the best bitchery comes from teamwork.
High School Musical is credited for many things, including boosting Disney Channel to a new level of popularity, making musicals cool again, and for defining tween pop culture for three years. Everybody loved the trilogy, and if you didn't, well you can just go fuck yourself. Most notably, however, the film series launched the careers of the three aforementioned bitches. (Wtf is a corbin bleu?) They were so influential for like 3 years, and while their respective careers may have fizzled out, their bitchery has remained in tact. Let's take a closer look at the individuals.
Just Zac.
Zac Efron Well, fuck. All you have to do is look at Zac Efronto know why he is just all kinds of right. Disney Channel's first legit heartthrob, Zac could spend the rest of his life getting by on his looks. Even though that would be the bitchy thing to do, he's committed to his craft, which I guess is pretty respectable. He tries his best to be a dramatic actor while still playing to an audience of teenagers and desperate single women in their late 20s. That's how he ended up in a Nicholas Sparks movie. As far as I'm concerned, Zac can do whatever the hell he wants and I'll still buy a ticket.
The good guy also knows who he is and has stood by his morals while dealing with a little thing called fame. "I'll never try to put on a fake image," he has said. "I'm just Zac." Oh, and that's all we want you to be, Zac! Mr. Efron has a lot of courage, braving criticisms on his legitimacy as an actor as well as rampant gay rumors in order to star in all three High School Musical films, as well as Hairspray. You have to respect a bitch who doesn't take shit from anybody else.
Vanessa Hudgens Mmhmm, I know what you're thinking. But no, this is not a mistake. Baby V will not be getting Cunt of the Week, despite the fact that her name is listed in the thesaurus as a synonym for cunt. Because of her tireless contributions to the best musical trilogy in history, I'll spin her cuntitude into bitchery. For starters, Vanessa had to have done something right to land Zac Efron. She's pretty and all, but also whiny as fuck. Or so it appears. And she's like not a real person. I remember reading interviews with all the stars of the film. They were asked what their favorite food was. While most answered sushi or pizza, Vanessa answered Flaming Hot Cheetos. Um... Well, alright.
Bitch or cunt?
Then there's the whole nude picture thing. That was totally fine. She apologized, so it was like whatever. It was for Zac, meant to be private, etc. Then it happened again. This is when, like a true bitch, she claimed the photos were taken when she was underage and had that shit taken down. Ladies and gents, that's the way to handle a nude photo scandal!
Personally, I think V is just the ultimate troll. She just does shit for the sake of stirring the pot, which is a total bitch thing to do. The key to accepting Vanessa as a bitch is to just find the humor in what she does and says. For example:
On her career ambitions: "I'd like to win an Oscar."
On her hobbies: "I just love lip gloss."
On fashion: "I love funky styles. Not preppy or rock, just funky!"
On her fans: "Right now, I do not like kids at all. I mean, I love my fans and everything, but when you have kids following you around all day, it's like, "Ugh, kids!" Maybe that will change when I get older."
Other bitches ain't shit.
Ashley Tisdale Ah, yes. Ashley Tisdale, my personal fave of the bunch. Where to start with Ashley? Real talk: For about a year, I was a Tizbyterian, meaning I followed Ashley Tisdale religiously. I thought she was just the greatest thing since sliced bread. And who can blame me? She was the best thing about The Suite Life, and she played Sharpay Evans in HSM, and that's about as bitchy as Disney will let you get. Then she proceeded to launch a music career with jams such as "He Said She Said", "Be Good To Me", and "It's Alright, It's OK". There was no shortage of reasons to convert. I even devoted part of a fucking school project to her.
Since then, however, I got over it. #Britneyology This is mostly because the Tiz has made some rather unfortunate career decisions. Hellcats, anybody? And she also abandoned her music career to focus on acting, which is like Santa getting high on meth on Christmas instead of delivering presents. Still, Ashley retains the bitchiness that made me fall in love with her in the first place, so we good now. Here are some fun quotes illustrating her bitchiness:
"I don't drink and I don't smoke. It's a personal preference."
"I love pink, it's so girly!"
"Zac Efron would make us feel guilty for eating big dinners. He'd say 'Do you really want to eat all those carbs?' It was like, thanks a lot!" (Oh Zac, you bitch!)
So while these three stars' career may have wavered, and while we'll probably never get High School Musical: The College Years, it's safe to say Zac, Vanessa, and Ashley will always be the G-rated bitches they were meant to be. Or R-rated, in Vanessa's case.
To the Jews, there's only the Old Testament. To Christians, there's a sequel and that shit's called the Bible. To Mormons, there's a third book (which I only know because of The Book of Mormon #SorryI'mNotSorry). But to Britneyologists, there's a fourth book and in its entirety, it reads: "It's Britney, bitch." That's right, Britney is pretty much like Jesus fucking Christ himself. Think about it: just as he died for our sins, Britney paid for our insatiable obsession with celebrities. I can't think of a more beautifully poetic analogy.
To celebrate Britney's many talents, which range from singing jam after jam to turning water into Starbucks coffee, I've compiled a list of the best Britney Spears singles (note: I limited myself to singles not songs; shit would get cray). Naturally, there isn't such a thing as a bad Britney song, so this was really hard. But I was up for the challenge!
10. "Gimme More" "Gimme More" has an interesting reputation. It's best known for introducing the line "It's Britney, bitch," which is still a pop culture phenomenon. However, its success was overshadowed by Britney's disastrous personal life, a lackluster career comeback, a boring music video, and the infamous VMA performance. Still, with its provocative lyrics and catchy hooks, the song is a classic and deserves to make the top ten.
9. "3" I totally wanted to make this #3 on the list, but I had to prioritize my religious integrity over my OCD. In "3", Britney proves that counting can be fun. Why should sex be restricted to two individuals? Why not three? Or four... on the floor? It's a spiritual question that only the legendary Miss Britney Spears dares to ask.She also uses folk band Peter, Paul, and Mary as sexual slang which is fucking hilarious. Additionally, the music video is simple and understated: a refreshing change of pace for the singer. Kudos all over, B!
8. "Piece of Me" She's Miss American Dream since she was 17, and now everybody's up her ass trying to get a piece of her. It don't get anymore autobiographical than this. While Britney has dealt with the topics of fame and paparazzi on numerous occasions, she did it best with "Piece of Me". While the music video leaves much to be desired (it was filmed at the peak of her breakdown, so yeah...), the song is a smash.
7. "...Baby One More Time" How could the song that launched Britney into super stardom not make the cut? For over a decade, people wondered what exactly "hit me baby one more time" meant. While many agreed that it was sexual slang, there was no concrete evidence. Some Debbie Downers even suggested it was about domestic violence. #ugh More important than the complex mysterious surrounding the song's deep meaning is the iconic music video that accompanied it. Britney's record label originally wanted the clip to be animated and portray her as a super hero. "Hell fucking naw, y'all" was her response. Instead, Britney conceptualized the slutty school girl idea all on her own and history was made. Concurrently, the music video satisfied the sexual fantasies of innumerable Japanese businessmen.
6. "Hold It Against Me" Britney is no stranger to double entendres ("If U Seek Amy" anyone?), so if she said she wants your body now, would you hold it against her? This song holds a special place in my heart, as I listened to it on repeat for like 3 weeks and it exceeded 200 plays in my iTunes within three days. A lesser Britneyologist would be embarrassed, but I'm damn proud! On top of that, the music video is killer and reflects Britney's life and career in a super artistic way. Pop it like a hood!
5. "Circus" In 2008, all eyes were on Britney. After a messy divorce, endless custody battle, stalled career, and a very public meltdown, everybody was curious as to whether or not the pop princess could make a comeback. There were nay-sayers for sure, but Britney put those cunts to shame when she released her sixth album, Circus. Its titular song is a personal favorite of mine and is just one of many jams that reflect her life as a superstar, with lyrics such as "All eyes on me/In the center of the ring/Just like a circus."
4. "Oops!... I Did It Again" And did it again she did! In what is arguably her most famous song, Britney perfects her Lolita act, once again portraying the virginal whore that she played so well in the early years of her career. Britney is a serial heartbreaker, and you know what? Anyone who can pull of a red latex catsuit can be whatever the hell they want! The song's Titanic reference is just as famous as the music video's extraterrestrial setting. There's no shortage of fun here!
3. "Toxic" This hardly requires an explanation. "Toxic" is quite possible Britney's best known song, and for obvious reasons. It's as creepy and unnerving as it is catchy and classic Britney. Screw feminism, because Britney is all about getting drunk on love at first sight, to which I say "holla." Plus the music video is definitely Britney's best and is one of the most influential music videos in modern pop music. Hell, even Lana Del Rey is all about that shit. Personally, I think this song is a great Halloween jam! 'Tis the season, am I right? 2. "Till the World Ends" It's an apocolypse. The world is fucking ending. Whatcha gonna do? Well, if you're Britney Spears, you're going out in style. Bitch knows that the only way to spend the last minutes in this world as we know it is to get all nasty in an underground party filled with only attractive people. "Till the World Ends" is an undeniably perfect dance floor anthem. And why wouldn't it be? It was written by Ke$ha, who later joined Britney and Nicki Minaj in a killer remix. It's also the theme song for the new version of Twister, so you know it's a timeless classic. 1. "Everytime" For those who say Britney isn't talented, I bring to you her finest song and #1 on my countdown. Britney wrote all the lyrics to "Everytime" by herself and the result is a beautifully chilling ballad chronicling her break-up from Justin Timberlake. (wtf is cry me a river?) Not only is the song Britney's most popular ballad, but its music video received significant attention for its religious imagery and its predictions of the singer's future struggles with fame. She really is like Jesus!
Like I said, this was super hard. If your favorite didn't make the cut, it was probably very close. Just for fun... Runner-ups included "If U Seek Amy", "Lucky", "Stronger", "Break the Ice", "Sometimes", "I'm a Slave 4 U", and "(You Drive Me) Crazy".
Oh man, am I over this week's Cunt of the Week? Katherine Heigl has unfortunately been forever ingrained in the public consciousness. However, if you're unfamiliar with the name, it may be because you know her better as the ungrateful cunt who trashes everything that makes her famous.
Katherine started her career in the 90s, most notably with the Disney Channel movie Wish Upon a Star. Yup, that's her. I was disgusted when I learned that, as well. While that will forever be the pinnacle of her career in my mind, her true breaktout came in 2005 when she landed the role of Dr. Izzie Stevens on Grey's Anatomy. As her character's name was Izzie, you just knew some annoying shit was about to go down.
I never committed to the series, but apparently Katherine did well, earning an Emmy and SAG Award in addition to various other accolades. Fun story: When she won her Emmy, Katherine, being the basic bitch that she is, said "shit" during the live broadcast and also whined about someone pronouncing her name wrong. I remember watching this and not knowing who she was. "Who the fuck is this bitch?" I believe were my exact words. Luckily, it wasn't all fun and games for Katherine. Around the time of Grey's premiere, she starred in Zyzzyx Road. Never heard of it? Yeah, it only made $30 at the box office and is considered the lowest grossing film of all time. Ha!
Come on. How can this not be the most desirable woman in America?
Nevertheless, Katherine's successful stint as a model-turned-doctor on the medical drama launched her into stardom. Despite being a chain smoker and looking a decade older than she actually was, she was consistently ranked as one of the most desirable women in men's magazines. In 2007, she starred in Knocked Up as a television journalist who lowers her standards and sleeps with Seth Rogen. The movie was a huge success. This is where Katherine first made her cuntitude so evident. Ever the feminist, Katherine called Knocked Up "a little sexist," explaining that it "paints the women as shrews, as humorless and uptight, and it paints the men as lovable, goofy, fun-loving guys." Um... Did you ever think that you're just so fucking unlikable as a human being that it's impossible for you to portray any of your characters as anything other than shrews? Probably not. Thankfully, the public did not react well to these comments and called Katherine an ungrateful hypocrite, among other things. She tried to backpedal her statement, but ain't nobody got time for her bullshit.
The cunt struck again in 2009 when Katherine withdrew her name from Emmy submissions, claiming that she had not been given good enough material on that season of Grey's Anatomy to warrant a nomination. UM... (1) Perhaps it wasn't the material that was lacking, but your ability as a fucking actor; (2) Maybe you should thank your lucky stars that despite your atrocious so-called acting, you got an Emmy nomination out of it anyway. Katherine had hoped to pass off this fuckery as an act of professional integrity, but everybody understood that it was a passive aggressive attack on the show that made her famous. Showrunner Shondra Rhimes stated that while she wasn't offended by Katherine's decision, the lack of what Katherine would consider Emmy-worthy material was due to the fact that Katherine herself had requested a light work load to focus on her film career. Yeah, because if you're not given challenging material on Grey's Anatomy, you're sure to find it on films such as 27 Dresses, The Ugly Truth, and Killers.
In the 2009-10 season of Grey's Anatomy, Izzie Stevens appeared only sporadically, despite ABC's announcement that Katherine was expected to remain on board for the entire season. Being the class act that she is, Katherine stopped showing up for work halfway through the season without warning. Bitch was immediately let go from her contract. Honestly, what a professional. We should all be more like Katherine. Earlier this year, Katherine expressed interest in returning to the show. #Desperate #Flop
There are many ways to be cunts, but the worst cunts are those who are ungrateful for the blessings in their life. In other words, don't look a gift cunt in its mouth.
Until recently, I subscribed to the popular belief that Hayden Panettiere is super annoying; they don't call her Hayden Pain-in-the-ass for nothing! However, that all changed when I tuned into Nashville, a new show on ABC. The series stars Connie Britton as Rayna James, a country superstar whose career begins to stall. Hayden plays Juliette Barnes, a country-pop crossover artist and teen sensation. Her hobbies include being a royal bitch, snatching Rayna's wig, and sleeping with people to get what she wants. Obviously, I'm all about her! And on top of being great, the character is clearly an unflattering parody of Taylor Swift, which makes her even better!
As Nashville is a music-centric show, the cast releases original songs for each episode. Today, Jam of the Week goes country! Enjoy Hayden's "Love Like Mine", which manages to be better than half the shit Taylor Swift releases. I challenge you not to enjoy this jam!
He can rest easy knowing that his reality TV legacy has forever damaged the collective American IQ.
It's a horrible misconception in today's society that men cannot be bitches. To remedy this baseless double standard, I've decided to award Bitch of the Week to a man. Kudos to Andy Cohen for becoming the first dude to get the title.
In case you're unfamiliar with Andy, he's a gay Jew who took over the Bravo network. He is not at all unlike Oprah. Except he's not black or a lesbian. He's the mastermind behind The Real Housewives franchise and hosts all of the reunions, during which he enjoys starting shit between the easily irritable women.
How many other people can say they gave fame to a previously unnoticed breed of catty upper class women? If it weren't for him, we wouldn't have guidettes flipping their shit (and sometimes, tables), former prostitutes just off of their nineteenth engagement, Paris Hilton's alcoholic aunts bickering all the fucking time, or batshit crazy New York socialites who believe their hypocrisy and pathological lying prove their ever-evolving nature.
Eventually, Andy decided to just give himself his own show, like any other bitch would. It's called Watch What Happens Live. It's basically him wearing appropriately flamboyant outfits, drinking, and making fun of people, usually with a B-list celebrity at his side. There is nothing about that of which I disapprove.
Andy quite possibly might be the bitch of life, because he already has an Emmy and is friends with all the right celebrities. The only thing that could possibly make him more awesome is if he were responsible for the Kardashian empire. Sorry, those kudos go to Ryan Seacrest. Still, Andy knows what it takes to be a Bitch of the Week and he will never stop. So, bravo! (Lol.)
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