2012: A Year in Review

Only three months young, Tommy Time has succeeded in becoming, in short, the bee's knees. I'll continue to treat its short time online as an entire year as I review the blog's triumphs in 2012. First, without further ado, the recipients of the Jam of the Year, Cunt of the Year, and Bitch of the Year awards, as voted by you!

Jam of the Year

For nearly three years, Ke$ha has been inspiring us to live life, drink Jack Daniels, and deck ourselves in glitter. In her latest smash hit, she reminds us to make the most of the present as if we're gonna die young. Given that we just survived a Mayan apocalypse, I can think of no better song worthy of Jam of the Year than "Die Young".

Cunt of the Year

 

Because the possession of cuntitude is only achieved by the world's most depraved, unstable individuals, it truly is hard to single out any one cunt. They're truly in a degenerate league of their own. You, my faithful readers, understand this, as you've selected not one, but TWO Cunts of the Year: Rihanna and Taylor Swift. We can only hope this isn't a sign that they will join forces and make 2013 a living hell for everyone.

Bitch of the Year

 

Best known for playing the fictional bitch Kelly Taylor in Beverly Hills, 90210, real-life bitch Jennie Garth has perfected the art of bitchery. Between on-set catfights and passive aggressive comments in the media, it's no wonder Jennie was not only the first Bitch of the Week, but 2012's Bitch of the Year, too. Well done, J!

Lastly, just for fun, I've compiled a list of the ten Tommy Time posts that have attracted the most traffic in the past three months. It's no surprise that people be lovin' them bitches and cunts of the week!

1. Bitch of the Week: Blair Waldorf
2. Cunt of the Week: Katherine Heigl the Ungrateful
3. Cunt of the Week: Christina Aguilera
4. Bitch of the Week: The High School Musical Golden Trio
5. Bitch of the Week: Jennie Garth, Queen of 9021-Oh Snap!
6. Bitch of the Week: Santana Lopez
7. Bitch of the Week: Emma Stone
8. Throwback Thursday: Tommy Picks the Best Songs by Disney Channel Stars
9. Tommy Picks 5 Sings Who Should Have Christmas Albums
10. Happy Birthday to Britney Spears: An Official Tommy Time Holiday

Have a safe and happy New Year!

Tommy Picks 20 Things to Get Over for 2013

The epitome of what to get over for 2013. And yes, this
picture is recent.

With the new year rapidly approaching and everybody deluding themselves into thinking they'll actually make some kind of major change to their lives, I think it's time to establish what we all need to just be over by the time 2013 is here. I've compiled a list of such things.

1.  Gangnam Style. Not sure why this was ever a thing, but let's just chalk it up to one of the several mistakes humanity blindly committed in 2012.
2. Taylor Swift. And whoever she's dating.
3. Yolo. If I hear it again, your one life won't last for much longer.
4. Your ex. Holy shit, I don't want to hear it anymore.
5. The world ending. I'm not putting up with this "Oh, now the world is gonna end in 2015" bullshit! The world didn't end. We're all still here. Hooray. Now shut the fuck up already!
6. Fifty Shades of Grey. Totally over it. Was never into it.
7. Rihanna. She'll likely release 3 new albums and countless singles this next year. Let's not give her any more #1s, okay? Similarly, she and Chris Brown will probably break-up and make-up 14 times. Let's not care, okay?
8. Pinterest. Face it, you're not as healthy, skinny, active, interesting, fashionable, funny, or unique as you think you are.
9. Vampires. With the Twilight saga finally behind us, let's finally abolish vampires from pop culture and end this morbid and nonsensical obsession with bloodsuckers once and for all. (Note: This does not apply to True Blood. That will forever be the only exception.)
10. Lindsay Lohan. Personal note to Lilo: Let's try not to get arrested this year.
11. "Call Me Maybe". It's not funny anymore.
12. Emma Watson. What the fuck, you guys. She's not that great.
13. Channing Tatum. For the same reasons as #12.
14. Honey Boo Boo. Remember when reality television was dominated by the Kardashians and a band of pregnant teenagers (sometimes, it was hard to tell the difference between the two.) Let's bring that back!
15. Miley Cyrus' hair. She's just being Miley!
16. Celebrity sex tapes. Unless this is one featuring Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively, no one cares.
17. "Jennifer Aniston's pregnant with Brad's triplets! Shocking details of the affair and her marriage to Justin to cover it up! Plus, what Courteney Cox has to say about it!" No.
18. Obama's nationality.
19. Singing competition shows. Unless Britney is a judge.
20. The Royal Family.

So there you have it. This year, don't make your New Year's resolution some diet or personal growth you can't possibly achieve; rather, vow to get over everything on this list. Then maybe, just maybe, there will peace on Earth at last.

25 Days of Christmas #25: "O Holy Night" by Lea Michele

Merry Christmas, everyone! I've saved the best for last in our 25 Days of Christmas countdown. This is, hands down, my favorite rendition of my favorite holiday song. Listen to Lea Michele, who has the voice of an angel, perform "O Holy Night". (It's more like, "O Holy Shit she has a good voice," am I right?)

25 Days of Christmas #24: "Carol of the Bells" by Jessica Simpson

Am I the only one who gets dizzy when listening to "Carol of the Bells"? I get some serious vertigo, which I sort of love. Here's the trippy holiday classic as sung by Jessica Simpson (because sometimes it's nice to just throw her a bone).

25 Days of Christmas #23: "I'll Be Home For Christmas" by Elvis Presley and Carrie Underwood

So, it seems like the new thing is to perform songs with dead people. Tupac, Michael Jackson, and now Elvis Presley... Nobody is off limits. Usually, it's creepy. But in the case of Elvis and Carrie Underwood's duet of "I'll Be Home For Christmas", it's a holiday miracle! Elvis' ex-wife Priscilla Presley personally picked Carrie to sing on the track, and I'm sure glad she did. This duet is proof of God's Santa's existence.

Tommy Picks 5 Singers Who Should Have Christmas Albums

In the midst of the 25 Days of Christmas countdown, it's important to acknowledge those truly amazing artists who don't have festive songs to bring us cheer during this holiday season. Here's a list of singers who I think need to release Christmas albums for the 2013 holiday season.

1, 2, 3 not only you and me.

1. The Legendary Miss Britney Spears
We're all aware of "My Only Wish (This Year)", Britney's holiday standard, as well as rumors that she planned to record a Christmas album back in the day, so what's wrong with praying that we someday get a super fun holiday album? Possible lyrics: "Santa's on the roof, the elves are jumping/In your lap the bass is pumping."

2. Lana Del Rey
It'd be such a treat to hear Lana Del Rey put her anti-feminist, damaged beauty queen persona against a winter wonderland backdrop. Possible lyrics: "Kiss me hard before you go/I got my red dress on/Under the mistletoe/In your Bugatti Veyron."

3. Nicki Minaj
As if I even need to explain the fucking epicness that would ensue if Her Minajesty hollered out some jingles. Possible lyrics: "I'm singing ho ho ho's/You fucking little hoes/Couldn't get a man if you was wearing mistletoes."

4. One Direction
Boy bands are back, bitches, and nobody would bring more tidings of comfort and joy than One Direction. Their Christmas album would combine my three greatest loves: the holidays, music geared towards tweens, and British culture. Possible lyrics: "This Christmas, I'm as cold as the snow/I see you with him and I can't let you go."

5. Ke$ha
What's Christmas without a little glitter? Quite simply, a Ke$ha Christmas album would end war and bestow upon us world peace for eternity. Possible lyrics: "Run, run, Rudolf, as fast as you can/Jump inside my fucking gold Trans Am/Forget the sleigh, I'll ride saddle back/Kicking with my girls and a bottle of Jack."

This Christmas, my only wish is that by next Christmas, all of these albums come to fruition. #pray

25 Days of Christmas #22: "Christmas Won't Be the Same Without You" by Plain White T's

Remember when the Plain White T's were a thing? Yeah, I barely do either. But when they did still have some cultural relativity, they released a Christmas song. (Fun side note: It was released on All Wrapped Up, a Disney Channel holiday album; didn't know what the Plain White T's were signed to Disney, did ya?) "Christmas Won't Be the Same Without You" is a fun modern pop song with some tidings of comfort and joy thrown into it, making it the perfect addition to the 25 Days of Christmas countdown.

25 Days of Christmas #21: "The Chipmunk Song" by Alvin & the Chipmunks

"The Chipmunk Song" is basically the epitome of Christmas music. It is so fucking adorable and anybody who says it's annoying is basic as all hell. Alvin, Simon, and Theodore are amongst the world's best fictional musicians, as well as the world's best fictional chipmunks (alongside Chip and Dale). Every time I listen to this song, I'm happy. So sit back and enjoy! And would someone get that Chipmunk his damn hula-hoop?!

25 Days of Christmas #20: "Santa Claus Lane" by Hilary Duff

My best friend Hilary Duff has an entire Christmas album, but nothing compares to the yuletide joy that is her rendition of "Santa Claus Lane".

What are you asking for this holiday season? A chance to meet Hilary Duff? That's awkward because I already had, so stay pressed.

25 Days of Christmas #19: "Oh Santa!" by Mariah Carey

Love. That is how I feel about this song. I can't even articulate the reasons why. It just is. I do know that the opening chant, "Oh, Santa's gonna come and you mine this Christmas! Santa's gonna come and make you mine, mine!" is the BEST holiday lyric of all time. But other than that, you'll have to listen to Mariah Carey's "Oh Santa!" to understand why it's so brillz.

25 Days of Christmas #18: "Christmases When You Were Mine" by Taylor Swift

She may be a cunt, but even cunts deserve to partake in holiday festivities, such as the Tommy Time 25 Days of Christmas countdown. Bringing her usual "you broke my little pink heart" bullshit to the Christmas season, here's Taylor Swift's original song, "Christmases When You Were Mine".

25 Days of Christmas #17: "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas" by Michael Bublé

 It's about high time that we all accept that Michael Bublé has an amazing voice and just owns the shit out of all Christmas songs. Personally, he's not my cup of tea (I prefer the holiday stylings of the collective Glee cast), but I couldn't not put him on this list. Here's my favorite MB holiday song, "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas", and boy is it!

25 Days of Christmas #16: "Hanukkah, Oh Hanukkah" by Mark Salling and Jacob Artist

This one's for the Jews! To commemorate the last day of Hanukkah, I thought it'd be fun to celebrate with a song that throws it back to the Old Testament. I didn't really know any besides the whole "dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made it out of clay" diddy and ain't nobody got time for that. Luckily, the Glee cast and their constant need to be progressive and inclusive always comes through for me. "Hanukkah, Oh Hanukkah" is too much fun and just makes you want to dance! Performed by Mark Salling and Jacob Artist, who portray Jewish half-brothers Puck and Jake, here's the Glee version of the Hebrew jingle. Mazel tov!

30 Reasons Why You're Not a True Britney Fan

She smells posers.

In today's world, it's hard to tell who's genuine and who's fake as fuck. One of the most colorful illustrations of this struggle is with the Britney fan. Obviously, you suck at life if you aren't a fan of the Queen of Pop. The trouble is, however, some people only pretend to be fans of Britney in order to avoid public persecution. What about YOU? Do you have what it takes to be a true fan, or are you just a poser? Let's see.

You are not a true Britney fan if...

1. Your favorite Britney song is "...Baby One More Time", "Oops!... I Did It Again", "Lucky", or "Toxic". If any of those are your favorite song, you are so basic and uninspired, it's embarrassing.
2. You didn't support her during the Dark Ages (2006-2008).
3. You have ever called yourself a little monster.
4. "My Only Wish (This Year)" is not one of your holiday music staples.
5. You don't acknowledge Blackout and Femme Fatale as not only her strongest albums, but some of the best albums of all time.
6. You try to insinuate that ...Baby One More Time is her best album to date.
7. You're unaware that Rihanna's "S&M" didn't go to #1 until Britney did the remix.
8. You've never been to a Britney Spears concert.
9. You've never seen The X Factor.
10. You don't know which music video the red jumpsuit is from. (It's "Oops!" in case you're one of them basic bitches.)
11. Your tumblr dashboard isn't full of Britney gifs.
12. You don't understand the importance of Starbucks, Cheetos, vanilla-scented candles, and Adele as they pertain to Britney.
13. You don't know who Jason Trawick is.
14. You took Justin Timberlake's side during the break-up.
15. You don't get the "Radar" joke.
16. You didn't even know there was a "Radar" joke until you read #15.
17. You think "Hit Me Baby One More Time" and "Dancing Till the World Ends" are the full titles of two of her songs.
18. You've ever been Team Christina.
19. You think she's a bad role model.
20. You think she's a bad mother.
21. The song title "Rebellion" means nothing to you.
22. You don't know who Sabi is.
23. You've never seen Crossroads.
24. You can't say which song "It's Britney, bitch" comes from.
25. You don't acknowledge the Madonna-Britney kiss as a passing of the torch from the former Queen of Pop to the current.
26. You don't know what "If U Seek Amy" means.
27. You didn't know that Rihanna's "Umbrella" and Lady Gaga's "Telephone" were both originally written for Britney, but she turned that shit down.
28. You don't think that December 2 should be a national holiday and Kentwood, Louisiana a national landmark.
29. You think "Soda Pop" is fun, catchy, and totally classic Britney.
30. You think The Original Doll is a nickname for whoever established The Pussycat Dolls.

There you have it. Thirty reasons why you may not be a true Britney fan. If you can say with absolute certainty that nothing on that list applies to you, congrats! Welcome to the family. However, if even one item describes you in the least bit, you can just go hang your head in shame. Ain't nobody got time for you.

25 Days of Christmas #15: "Silent Night" by Naya Rivera

Once again, the Glee cast knows what up. In what's one in like a bajillion songs about the day Jesus was born (I know, it's called Christmas for a reason, but we fucking get it already), "Silent Night"is the perfect song for anybody to show off their vocal chops, and that's exactly what Naya Rivera, who plays Bitch of the Week Santana Lopez on the show, does in her rendition from the cast's most recent holiday album! It ain't a silent night up in herr!

25 Days of Christmas #14: "Happy Xmas (War Is Over)" by Maroon 5

Written by John Lennon and Yoko Ono in 1971, "Happy Xmas (War Is Over)" is a protest song about the Vietnam War. It's such a nice little jam. My only qualm is that it perpetuates the atrocious abbreviation of Christmas. But just as the war is history, so is the original rendition of the song. Why listen to a Beatle sing when you can listen to the sultry voice of Adam Levine? I suppose a little reverence for the dead might be in order, so RIP John Lennon. You did a lot of cool things. But Adam Levine is kind of sort of but not really the 21st century version of you, so just relax.

25 Days of Christmas #13: "Greatest Time of Year" by Aly & AJ

Long before they completely and desperately faded into oblivion (wtf is hellcats?), Aly & AJ were the premiere Disney Channel sisters. Bitches even had a Christmas album, which is fitting since they're always talking about Jesus and bitching about how evolution shouldn't be taught in school (more on that during their scheduled Cunts of the Week post). Putting aside their blind religious babbling, Aly & AJ prove two things with "Greatest Time of Year": (1) they know how to make a great holiday jam; and (2) they have no grasp on the English language. Greatest time of year. Really?

25 Days of Christmas #12: "What Child Is This" by Carrie Underwood

Hol-fucking-ler to Carrie Underwood because bitch is making her second appearance on the 25 Days of Christmas countdown, this time with her cover of "What Child Is This". I love this song so very much, not because it's about Britney Jesus being born and stuff, but because it's so dramatic. It's the soap opera of Christmas carols, which I thoroughly appreciate, and I hope you do too!

25 Days of Christmas #11: "Christmas Wrapping" by Heather Morris

There's nothing I love more than a good pun, which is why the rap song "Christmas Wrapping" is too much fun. (Get it? Wrapping... rapping. Lol!) The song was written soon after the birth of New Wave music and is probably the only holiday song of that genre. Originally performed by the Waitresses, I decided I needed to remain true to Heather Morris, one member of the ever-versatile Glee cast. Enjoy her rendition of "Christmas Wrapping" from the show's second Christmas album.

25 Days of Christmas #10: "My Grown Up Christmas List" by Kelly Clarkson

Fun fact: "My Grown Up Christmas List", a song that talks about wishing for world peace and other such crap (lame!), was originally recorded by Natalie Cole and David Foster for his non-holiday album in 1990. It was Amy Grant who made it the Christmas classic that it is two years later. But since nobody cares about her, today you're more likely to hear Kelly Clarkson's version, and that's exactly the rendition I've posted. I do quite enjoy the song and I hope you do too!

25 Days of Christmas #9: "All I Need Is Love" by Cee Lo Green and the Muppets

When I heard that Cee Lo Green was releasing a Christmas album, I prayed that it would contain a holiday remix of "Fuck You". Unfortunately, this wasn't to be. HOWEVER, something even better came in its place: a duet between Mr. Green and the Muppets. Yup, like Alvin & the Chipmunks, Hannah Montana, and many other fictional characters before them, the Muppets have a recording career. For whatever reason, they've been in cahoots with Cee Lo ever since they paired up for a performance of "Fuck Forget You" at the 2011 Grammys. (Why Disney allowed this, I'll never know.) Putting aside Cee Lo's past explicit works and the allegations that he's a woman-beater, let's just drink eggnog and enjoy the cheery wonder that is "All I Need Is Love".

25 Days of Christmas #8: "Last Christmas" by Ashley Tisdale

"Last Christmas" is by far my favorite Christmas song. Whether it's the love-gone-wrong theme or the British uttering of "Happy Christmas," I just can't get enough! And while the original Wham! version is alright, there is no rendition so classic as that of Ashley Tisdale. Her cover of "Last Christmas" was her first release under her recording contract with Warner Bros. It isn't uncommon for new artists to release holiday material before delving into the mainstream careers, but do they usually do it with as much success as the Tiz? I think not. So this Christmas, please take the time to enjoy "Last Christmas".

25 Days of Christmas #7: "Christmas Lights" by Coldplay

 Coldplay suffers from the same handicap that ails Daughtry, Taylor Swift, and Nickelback. All their shit sounds the same. I guess if something works, why mess with it? The British band adds in some holiday flair to their usual sound in "Christmas Lights". Regardless of how they sound or how they (don't) grow as a band, this song is a fun jam to listen to as you haul out the holly, deck the halls, and do all your other festive shit! Enjoy!

25 Days of Christmas #6: "The First Noel" by Carrie Underwood

I'll be honest and say that the sixth song on the 25 Days of Christmas countdown isn't very fun on its own. However, when it comes flowing out of the golden pipes of the wonderful Carrie Underwood, it's a beautiful song that makes all non-Christians reconsider. Please, sit back and relax as Carrie does what she does best!

25 Days of Christmas #5: "My Only Wish (This Year)" by Britney Spears

The fifth song in the 25 Days of Christmas countdown is quite possibly the best holiday song ever, and that is because it's sung by one Britney Spears. Rumor has it Britney had planned to record a Christmas album in the early naughts, but as of today, "My Only Wish (This Year)" is the only holiday jam she's known to have recorded. So just listen to this and open your heart and mind to an enchantingly new world. I promise you'll be wishing B really did record that Christmas album!

25 Days of Christmas #4: "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" by the Glee Gals

On the fourth day of Christmas, I bring to you the first traditional song in the countdown: "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen". The song is old as dirt and is totally boring. BUT NOT WHEN GLEE DOES IT. Like many things in life, the Christmas Carol is much better once Lea Michele and company get their hands on it!

Jam of the Week: "Pimps and Hoes" by Rock Mafia and Miley Cyrus

Even though I'm giving you a Christmas jam for 25 days straight, there's no reason why Jam of the Week should be put on the back burner. This week's jam is none other than "Pimps and Hoes" by Rock Mafia and Miley Cyrus. This song was chosen for obvious reasons: there is absolutely nothing funnier than Miley singing a song called "Pimps and Hoes".

The song has yet to see its official release, but it has been on the internet for a good while now. You see, in addition to producing songs for Miley, Selena Gomez, and a slew of other Disney stars, the group Rock Mafia is attempting to launch its own career, and what better way to do so than with "Pimps and Hoes", alternately titled "Morning Sun"? Please enjoy this jam and Miley in all her autotuned glory, all you all you pimps and hoes!

25 Days of Christmas #3: "Little Saint Nick" by the Beach Boys

Oh, the Beach Boys. Remember when they were on Full House? For most people, that would be the highlight of their careers. (It certainly was for Candace Cameron, am I right?) But the Beach Boys were singing all about the California lifestyle long before that, and lucky for us, they had a Christmas song. "Little Saint Nick" hardly needs an introduction other than it's amazing!

Happy Birthday to Britney Spears: An Official Tommy Time Holiday

You want a piece of her?

Thirty-one years ago, the legendary Miss Britney Spears hit the scene like a meteor crashing down to Earth. Life would never be the same. Throughout her lifetime, Britney has redefined the music industry humanity. As I write this, tears stream down my face; I cannot even deal with the amazingness.

Oh Britney, how do you do it? How does one simply become the best-selling teenage singer of all time? How does one go about being the best-selling female artist of the 21st century? What method does one employ to sell over 100 million records worldwide? What does one have to do to get a star on the Walk of Fame at the ripe age of 21? I'm not sure how Britney has done it all, but I'm sure glad she did!

To commemorate Britney's 31st birthday, I officially name December 2 Britney Spears Day, the first official Tommy Time holiday. How fun! Congratulations and happy birthday to the Queen of Pop!

25 Days of Christmas #2: "Christmas (Baby, Please Come Home)" by Leighton Meester

Most modern Christmas songs don't celebrate Jesus and cannibalistic beliefs, but rather sing about lost love with a loose holiday theme. "Christmas (Baby, Please Come Home)" is absolutely no exception. The song was originally sung by Darlene Love in 1963, but I'm just not into that. Instead, I bring to you the Leighton Meester version. It's such a jam! Happy holidays!

25 Days of Christmas #1: "All I Want for Christmas is You" by Mariah Carey

 Now that it's officially Christmas, I decided that I should do something to celebrate. So voila! I bring to you the first of 25 Days of Christmas. Every day until the glorious holiday that commemorates the birth of Britney Spears Jesus, I will post a holiday song to get us all in the spirit!

What better song to kick off the countdown than Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas is You". While Mariah is annoying as all hell (nobody is obsessed with you, omg get a clue), there's no denying that this isn't a classic holiday jam. So, without further ado, Merry Christmas!