Bitch of the Week: Nicki Minaj (Is Who You Ain't Fuckin' With)

Do you think that's her natural
hair color?

What do you get when you take Lil Wayne, trade in his penis for Kim Kardashian's ass, and throw her into Lady Gaga's dressing room? You get the reigning Bitch of the Week, Nicki fucking Minaj.

For those of you who don't know, Her Minajesty is arguably the most popular and successful female rapper of all time. Beginning in 2010, she was pretty much featured in more songs than Pitbull, Flo Rida, and Timbaland combined. Even more impressive is her solo career, which has spawned jams such as "Moment 4 Life", "Super Bass", and "Starships".

Nicki is the perfect candidate for Bitch of the Week for countless reasons. First of all, she has her own verb conjugation that is beyond, as evidenced by classic lyric "I beez in the trap;" a lesser rapper would have just said "I am in the trap," but Nicki knew das tacky. Nicki is always delivering innovative lyrics (or "spittin' mad rhymes," as I'm told they say on the streets). Let's look at some examples.

• "Kiss my ass and my anus, cuz it's finally famous."
• "You're like a candy store, and I'm a toddler."
• "If you could turn back time; Cher! You used to be here now you're gone; Nair!"
• "Ra, ra, like a dungeon dragon!"
• "I'm a bad bitch I'm a cunt/I'll kick that ho, punt/Force trauma, blunt/You play the back, bitch I'm in the front!"
• "If I had a dick, I would pull it out and piss on 'em!"

And as with most bitches, Nicki has some pressed haters. When Nicki was quickly becoming the alpha bitch of the hip-hop world, something called a lil kim came out of the woodwork and accused NM of swagger jacking: "If you are going to steal my swag, you gonna have to pay. Something gotta give. You help me, I help you. That's how it goes to me." Never one to take anyone's bullshit laying down, Nicki responded by saying:

She picked a fight with Foxy, then she picked a fight with Eva, then she picked a fight with Remy, then it was Mrs. Wallace, then it was Nicki Minaj. Every time you in the news, it’s 'cause you gettin' at somebody! Where’s your music? Put your music out, and when I see your name on Billboard, that’s when I’ll respond to you. Other than that, goodbye. It’s Barbie, bitch.

Not only did Nicki take a swipe at Lil Kim's lack of success, but she referred to herself in the third person, which only a true bitch can pull off!

But that's not all. Who can forget Nicki's feud with Mariah Carey while they co-judged the fifty-ninth twelfth season of American Idol? Their rivalry started covered much ground, from passive aggressive eye rolls to full-on death threats. But everyone knows that Mariah is a piggish hasbeen while Nicki reigns supreme.

Of course, I cannot in good conscience give Nicki Bitch of the Week without allowing her to share the title with Roman Zolanski, her evil gay twin brother that was born inside her while she was still in the womb. He's been the influence for some of her greatest songs, included "Roman Holiday" and former Jam of the Week "Roman's Revenge".

At the end of the day, only the Barbz and Ken Dolls (the fans of Nicki, named for her affinity for Barbie), will truly understand what makes Nicki a bitch. There's only so much of her merit I can articulate. To fully grasp it, you must delve into her music. I implore you to do so, if you haven't already.

20 Things You Didn't Know About The Lion King

1. The film was originally called King of the Jungle until Disney realized that lions don't actually live in the jungle. Well, shit.
2. The Lion King and Pocahontas were in production at the same time. Disney's most talented animators opted to work on the latter, believing it to be the more prestigious of the two. Given that the The Lion King was wildly more successful than Pocahontas, I'd say they were wrong.
3. The original plot of the film dealt with a power struggle between lions and baboons, who were led by Scar. Simba would have never left the kingdom, but instead would have become lazy and unlikable thanks to Scar's manipulation, thus making him easy to overthrow after his coming of age. Thankfully, this premise was heavily revised.
4. Although Disney heralded The Lion King as their first original story not based on an already-existing work, the filmmakers drew inspiration from Shakespeare's Hamlet, as well as from African folklore. The film elicited controversy over similarities with the 1960s Japanese anime television series Kimba the White Lion.
5. The "Be Prepared" scene was inspired by footage of Adolf Hitler.
6. Cheech & Chong were tapped to play the two speaking hyenas, and while Cheech Marin signed on to play Banzai, Tommy Chong was unavailable. Therefore, Shenzi was changed to a female role and Whoopi Goldberg was cast. Nathan Lane and Ernie Sabella originally auditioned for the hyenas, but the filmmakers liked them together so much that they cast them as Timon and Pumbaa.
7. Before Elton John was hired to compose the film's soundtrack, Disney and Tim Rice had reached out to ABBA.
8. Many of the characters' names are Swahili terms: Simba means lion; Pumbaa means simpleton, stupid, or carefree; Nala means gift; Sarabi means mirage; Shenzi means savage or uncouth; and Rafiki means friend. 
9. The soundtrack is the only animated film soundtrack to be certified Diamond by the RIAA, after achieving sales of over 10 million copies in the United States.
10. It took approximately three years to animate the two-and-a-half minute wildebeest stampede scene.
11. Original versions of "Hakuna Matata" delved into Timon's back-story, whereas the final version only deals with Pumbaa's.
12. "Can You Feel the Love Tonight" was originally supposed to be a comical duet between Timon and Pumbaa, rather than the Oscar-winning romantic ballad present in the film today.
13. The film is said to have racist and xenophobic undertones. While the kingdom is ruled by light-colored lions with American accents, Scar is darkly colored and speaks with a British accent. He and the hyenas, who are also darkly colored and speak with African-American and Latino voices, live in dark impoverished areas similar to inner-city ghettos. When they attempt to enter the kingdom illegally, Mufasa rushes to stop the "trouble at the borders." Once Scar and the hyenas overtake the kingdom, the once-prosperous land quickly goes to shit.
14. The film was the first to be made exclusively at Disney Studios in Florida.
15. Originally, Scar was not related to Mufasa, but the filmmakers decided that making him the outcast brother added more emotional depth to the story.
16. Pumbaa is the first Disney character to fart.
17. It took nine months for the film to be converted into 3D for its 2011 theatrical re-release.
18. The Lion King is the best selling home video of all time, with over 55 million copies sold (4.5 million on the first day alone.)
19. In the Broadway adaptation of the film, Rafiki is a girl, as director Julie Taymor felt that the story lacked a strong female lead. (Sorry, Nala...)
20. In earlier drafts of the script, Nala leaves the kingdom to escape Scar's romantic advances, rather than to find food as she does in the final version of the film. Scar's demented sexual fixation on Nala is present in the Broadway musical.

This or That: Beverly Hills, 90210 vs. Melrose Place

They even wore opposing colors.

 My obsession with Beverly Hills, 90210 and its subsequent spin-offs is hardly a secret. It's one of the most beautiful television franchises in history. And it's probably not a coincidence that its two best series, the original 90210 and its first spin-off Melrose Place, aired together in the 90s. Though they shared the same universe, the shows were vastly difference, so much so that they were constantly pitted against one another during their original broadcasts. This leaves us with one question: Which is better? Once again, Tommy Time's This or That is on the case.

Giving Credit Where Credit is Due

Beverly Hills, 90210 is the foundation of the entire franchise. Story-wise, if Kelly didn't get involved with an older man who lived in an apartment complex off of Melrose Avenue, there wouldn't have been a spin-off. Melrose Place owes BH90210 its life. Not only that, but the parent show revitalized the teen drama, showcasing adolescence in a realistic yet dramatic way never before seen on television, and was one of the first high school centric series to successfully transition into the college years. Melrose Place took a different tonal route (which I'll discuss later), but it didn't do anything that prior primetime soaps like Dallas didn't before it.

Awards and accolades

Neither show reaped up a plethora of awards, and both were snubbed by the Emmys. However, 90210 was nominated for 4 Golden Globes (2 for Best TV Drama and 2 for Jason Priestley as Best TV Drama Actor) while Heather Locklear and Laura Leighton were nominated a total of 5 times for their Melrose performances.

In 2007, Entertainment Weekly named 90210 the #20 classic in the new TV era, with Melrose trailing in at #51. The magazine also named the 90210 theme song as one of television's best and the guys' sideburns as one of the best pop culture fashion trends; Melrose failed to make either list. Both shows made an impact on TV, but it's clear that this round goes to 90210!

Just the numbers

90210 ran for an astounding 10 seasons; Melrose ran for 7. And while Melrose outperformed 90210 during the 1996-1997 broadcast season, it was the latter that won in the ratings. Additionally, the 90210 reboot lasted 5 seasons; Melrose's reboot was cancelled after just one. Without question, 90210 wins this round!

Star power

90210 took a bunch of unknown actors and turned them into superstars. Jason Priestley and Luke Perry were teen heartthrobs while Shannen Doherty, Jennie Garth, and Tori Spelling were notable tabloid fixtures. Along with co-stars Brian Austin Green, Tiffani-Amber Thiessen, and Hilary Swank, the West Bev alums are still household names.

Melrose didn't have nearly as much luck. Heather Locklear was already at the top of her game when she joined the cast, but only Marcia Cross and Kristen Davis emerged from the series with a notability that they still keep to some degree. Clearly, Melrose has nothing on the 9-0 zip. This round goes to 90210!

Quality

Both shows may have shared the same universe, but they couldn't have been more different. 90210 tended to have better performances and stayed as true to reality as it could; the rare outlandish plotline was more than compensated by amazing character development and a strong sense of continuity. Melrose is one of the soapiest shows I've seen. It's crazy storylines never serviced the characters but rather sought to jolt the audience. Different strokes for different folks, but I say this round goes to 90210!

Well, wow (as Amanda Bynes would say in reference to a hair cape). It sure looks like Melrose Place struck out, huh? Well, unlike previous This or Thats, there are no losers here. Both shows are amazing, but 90210 is just superior. If you haven't, I encourage you to watch both series. It's only 17 years worth of television. Totally doable.

Cunt of the Week: Kristen Stewart

Always lively, always photogenic.

Is there anything more cunt-inducing than Twilight? Aside from the sheer beauty of Kellan Lutz, I can't think of a single good thing that was birthed from that shitty book-turned-film series. This is especially true when it comes to Kristen Stewart, who brought to life played Bella Swan in the movies.

In case you're wondering... Yes, Kristen Stewart does consider herself an actress, and she's paid an obscene amount of money for her so-called performances. If you're like me, you're wondering how the hell she ever got her big break. She's neither pretty nor talented, so what does she bring to the table? Well, it turns out that both her parents have been in the biz forever, so her sickening career is just a result of good connections.

It's true that KStew may have gotten her start in a nonspeaking role in the groundbreaking Disney Channel mermaid flick The Thirteenth Year, but it wasn't until the 2008 release of the first Twilight film that she became a pain in everybody's asses. As Bella, Kristen woodenly wandered around the screen and belched out her lines as if she had better things to do. As more and more of the vampire flicks hit the silver screen, Kristen only became more and more famous, and her real life romance with onscreen lover Robert Pattinson didn't help matters. That shit might have worked for Zac and Vanessa, but ain't nobody wanna see these two date in real life.

(Sidebar: Were we really expected to believe that characters played by the allegedly attractive Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner would fight over this troll? I personally don't buy it.)

Of course, perhaps Kristen's most notorious display of cuntitude occurred in July 2012, when Us Weekly published photos of Kristen's pale ass clinging onto her very married Snow White and the Huntsman director Rupert Saunders. In the months that followed, KStew was called "The Most Hated Woman in America." This was a really fun time for me, even though it appears that Robert and much of the public has since forgiven her. (She's even moving forward with a fucking Snow White sequel. Like wtf, seriously...)

For kicks, let's hear what Kristen has to say about herself, her career, and her life. Get ready for some ironic lawlz:

• "You can learn so much from bad things. I feel boring. I feel like, Why is everything so easy for me? I can't wait for something crazy to fucking happen to me. Just life. I want someone to fuck me over. Do you know what I mean?"
• "Good relationship advice for me trends to be being honest and knowing yourself. Don't be an asshole. Don't be mean. Don't take shit. Don't settle."
• "I do things very impulsively; I don't really like to plan things at all. If I am passionate about something then I will do it."
• "I think romance is anything honest. As long as it's honest, it's so disarming."
• "What you don't see are the cameras shoved in my face and the bizarre intrusive questions being asked, or the people falling over themselves, screaming and taunting to get a reaction. The photos are so... I feel like I'm looking at someone being raped."

Now that the Twilight saga is finally over (five fucking films later), I do hope that we don't hear too much of KStew in the future. She's not even the funny kind of hot mess who says stupid shit and gets into trouble. She's just really fucking annoying and, to be quite fucking honest, a cunt.

Jam of the Week: "Blurred Lines" by Robin Thicke, T.I. & Pharrell

Robin Thicke sure knows how to make a good jam. For those of you who do not know, Robin is basically like a more soulful, nearly black Justin Timberlake. And when he teams up with T.I. and Pharrell, who you may recognize from Britney Spears' "Boys" or Daft Punk's "Get Lucky", magic happens.

Some classic lyrics from "Blurred Lines":

• "But you're a good girl/The way you grab me/Must wanna get nasty/Go ahead, get at me."
• "You wanna hug me/Hey, hey, hey/What rhymes with hug me?"
• "You the hottest bitch in this place."

You'll need to enjoy the song to truly enjoy its beauty.

Things Tommy Loves and Hates #1

They're each holding a knife behind their back.

Thing I Love #1: When Disney Channel Stars Get Risqué in Their Lyrics

Whether it's Selena Gomez using soft swear words on "Hit the Lights" or Miley meeting "sexy boys in every city" on "Permanent December", I've always loved when Disney Channel stars' lyrical content becomes mildly inappropriate for their target demographic. This is no truer than for Demi Lovato's album Unbroken, on which she sings about picking up guys in clubs, making waves in a bed in the shade, drinking champagne, and "thinking sober."

Thing I Hate #1: People Who Do Not Understand the Art of Instagram

There is nothing worse than basic bitches instawhoring themselves out. #justwokeup #nomakeup and #nofilter are amongst the hash tags I simply do not have time for, especially in regard to selfies. But perhaps the biggest and most insulting atrocity is when people share EVERY Instagram photo on Facebook. UM HELLO. They are two different and separate mediums. Occasionally it may be okay to cross over, but usually it is not! This is especially true when a bitch instagrams a shit load of photos and shares them all on Facebook at the same time, thus clogging MY newsfeeds on both fronts. Rude, inconsiderate, and downright tacky.

Jam of the Week: "Ooh La La" by Britney Spears

Whenever Britney hits the scene with a new jam, life becomes instantly more worth living. Girlfriend just released her track "Ooh La La" from the forthcoming Smurfs 2 film and it is killer.

The song is like Oops!... I Did It Again meets Blackout, if you can imagine a thing as beautiful as that. And while I wish it was a bit naughtier, it's still a fun and sweet song for the kids, and Britney manages to sneak in her signature double entendre in there! So sit back and get ready to actually LIVE.

And this is just a DEMO. According to Brit, the final version will be released on June 16.

So baby come with me and be my ooh la la...