The Cult of the Other Sister

For hours now, I have been fascinated by the societal phenomenon known as the other sister. This term refers to the sister of someone super famous and successful. The other sister is typically a major flop at life and pressed as fuck when it comes to her sister's fabulous life. I've compiled a list of the most notably pressed other sisters to help give the term legs.

Haylie sucks in her stomach. If looking skinnier
than Hilary is all she can get, then so be it!

1. Haylie Duff
Imagine being the older sister to the girl who revolutionized Disney Channel at the ripe age of 13 and remained famous well into adulthood for doing close to nothing else. This is the plight of Haylie Duff, whom you may know better as "Hilary's embarrassingly desperate sister." It's so easy to forget that Haylie is also in show business. Her career highlights include a supporting role in the overrated film Napoleon Dynamite and covering "Our Lips Are Sealed" with Hilary. Other than that, Haylie has mostly just stayed behind the scenes, writing and producing songs for her sister while Hilary soaks up all the attention and fame.

Most of Haylie's attempts to secure acting roles have been met with the response "Oh, we thought you were Hilary. Umm. Don't call us, we'll call you." She even tried to get her own recording career started, until Paris Hilton stole her song and people decided that they just didn't want to deal with Haylie anymore. C'est la vie! Just think, Haylie, had you been born just two years later, you could have been Lizzie McGuire!

I know what you're thinking. No, this is not
Paris taking her horse out to the pasture.
That's her sister, Nicky!

2. Nicky Hilton
Speaking of Paris Hilton, did you forget that she had a sister? I often do. In fact, the only thing I really knew about Nicky is that she got screwed in the name department. (Imagine having a sister named Paris while you're saddled with a name like Nicky, which just sounds like a bunch of gibberish!) Anyway, through my research, I learned something new: Nicky is actually younger than Paris. I always assumed she was older; she sure looks like it!

While Paris and Nicky stumbled into the spotlight together in the early 2000s, Paris swiftly realized that Nicky was holding her back, probably because she's about as interesting as a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. So Paris went ahead without her sister, made a sex tape, got a reality show, and the rest is history. Nicky was so pressed that she got a quickie Las Vegas marriage in 2004, hoping to earn some attention. Her plan didn't work out, and neither did her marriage, in case you were curious, which I'm sure you weren't. It's safe to assume that Nicky will spend the rest of her life in a Hilton Hotel room while Paris bathes in the spotlight. What's funny is that the Hilton sisters also have two brothers. At least Nicky can say she's more famous than them!

Who's that basic bitch standing next to Anne?

3. Mary Boleyn
Other sisters have been plaguing humanity throughout history. A really long time ago, King Henry VIII was fucking, marrying, and killing any seemingly fertile woman that came his way. One such slore was Anne Boleyn, his second wife whose marriage to Hank basically changed the face of England for all eternity. But whatever. More importantly, Anne was a grade A bitch, if her portrayal in The Other Boleyn Girl is anything to go by. #NotHereForHistoricalAccuracy Even more importantly, she had a sister named Mary, who was about as basic and pressed as they come.

Mary tried so hard to be like Anne, but she never did anything right. Anne's coy flirting and teasing eventually got her a throne and a tiara. Meanwhile, Mary put out for any king who glanced her way and all she got were a couple of bastard children who received no special royal treatment. Mary had such severe other sister syndrome that for centuries nobody cared about her, if they even knew she existed at all. In fact, nobody even knew when the hell she was born. It was only recently that people started giving a flying fuck about her, but that's mostly because our society has gotten more interested in King Henry, Anne, and the Tudor era in general and Mary was just kind of there (not at all unlike how Kevin Jonas is just kind of there with Nick and Joe, but that's for another day). The only good thing Mary had going for her is that she didn't get her head chopped off like Anne did. Then again, what a fabulously dramatic way to peace out. You go, Anne!

The Spears sisters before they both fucked up.

4. Jamie Lynn Spears
While Jamie Lynn Spears is a pressed other sister through and through, I would almost classify her as her own breed. Unlike the other basic bitches on this list, I actually like Jamie Lynn! But that doesn't change the fact that every decision she's ever made seems like a calculated plan to outshine her sister, the legendary Miss Britney Spears. Jamie Lynn has been pressed since birth, mostly due to the fact that Britney got an actual name and all she got was a hybrid of her father and mother's names (Jamie and Lynn, respectively). Then, as Britney became the greatest thing to grace this desolate planet, Jamie Lynn was like, "Wait, me too!" Here's a run down of what happened next:

• Britney got her start on The Mickey Mouse Club, so naturally Jamie Lynn had to squeeze her way into another kid-friendly variety show. She did so in All That - not the good All That with Kenan and Kel, the really shitty one that had people like Jamie Lynn.
• Britney blew up the music scene with jam after jam. Good ole JL knew she couldn't compete in that arena, so she took the acting route and starred in Zoey 101, which I'll admit is a classic. But it didn't last long, because...
• Britney's life was not going so well, so Jamie Lynn decided to fuck a guy from church and birth his baby at the ripe age of 16. "Any meltdown you can do, I can do better," Jamie Lynn warned.
• Britney proved she was stronger than yesterday with the most successful comeback this world has ever seen, so Jamie Lynn also attempted a comeback, which so far has comprised of a grassroots effort to launch a music career in Nashville. Good luck. I mean it!

They're both flops, but only one is pressed.

 5. Ashlee Simpson
Anybody who devotes an entire song to living in her sister's shadow is obviously pressed as fuck. While Jessica Simpson is hardly someone to be jealous of, younger sister Ashlee just can't seem to get her shit together and therefore is practically the poster child for the other sister. Her life has just been a clusterfuck of thinly veiled attempts to replicate Jessica's life. Ashlee became a "singer," just like Jessica. Ashlee became an "actress," just like Jessica. Ashlee had a reality show, just like Jessica. Ashlee's controversial nose job, which she got after making some spiel about self-image, mirrors Jessica's scrutinized weight fluctuation. Ash even demonstrated that she is just as dumb as Jessica, first when she married Pete Wentz and then when she got caught lip syncing during a performance on Saturday Night Live, did an Irish jig to distract the audience, and then blamed it all on acid reflux. Jessica has had some pretty embarrassing TV moments, but at least they were never that bad! In trying to copy her sister's every move, Ashlee proved only two things: (1) The spelling of her name is fucking disgusting; and (2) playing dumb only works for blondes. Sorry 'bout it!

Cunt of the Week: Minnie Mouse, Walt Disney's Biggest Regret

Only a true cunt would think she could get
away with this fugly color combo.

Our latest Cunt of the Week is none other than Minnie Mouse. Before you ask, yes, animated characters can absolutely be cunts. In fact, cartoon cunts are oftentimes much more poisonous to the collective public sanity than real-life cunts. It's mostly due to the fact that fictional beings, especially those that are drawn, have to try so much harder to be offensive, that when they pull it off, you know they're bad news.

The original nip slip.

Minnie has been cunting it up since 1928, when she appeared shirtless on Steamboat Willie. For the past 80 or so year, Minerva has found many ways to express her boundless cuntitude. For starters, she's a tease. She has been leading poor Mickey on for decades now, and I think it's pretty clear that she doesn't intend on marrying him. Cunts, in their very nature, cannot make such a monogamous commitment anyway. Rather than set Mickey free so he's able to date someone who knows how to treat a mouse, Minnie keeps him under her spell. She toys with him, and just when she thinks he's coming to his senses, she does something drastic to keep him interested, like flirt with his nemesis Mortimer or change the color of her polka-dot dress. Fortunately for Minnie, Mickey is a complete dumbass, as evidenced by the fact that he found anything appealing about Minnie in the first place, so he falls for such tricks time and time again.

Secondly, Minnie is an absolute attention whore (and just a whore in general; see below). I ask you, when's the last time you went to Disneyland without that cunt being shoved down your throat? I personally hit up the Happiest Place on Earth last week, and lemme tell ya, I was not happy when I saw Minnie FOUR times in FOUR different locations, each time in a DIFFERENT outfit. We get it! You're here. And you have an extensive wardrobe. We don't give a fuck. Go home and stop perverting the nation's youth by hiking up your skirt while signing autographs, you little slut!

WHAT IS THIS SHIT?! What kind of cartoon
mouse poses for this?!

Minnie's inability to refrain from being the center of attention at all times comes at a price. Daisy Duck, whom Minnie calls a friend but treats like shit, is consequently no where to be found. She's not in the parks, she's not on the merchandise; hell, she's barely in the cartoons! Daisy has been left in the dust, tragically so, but do you think her "best friend" Minnie gives a fuck? Absolutely not. A cunt like Minnie has no time for friendship, especially if it might lead to competition for the public's attention. Let's face it: all red-blooded Americans would prefer Daisy's fabulous bitchery to Minnie's Lolita bullshit. Sadly, most Americans probably don't even know who Daisy is. And for that we can blame Minnie. #TeamDaisy

Finally and most importantly, Minnie's voice alone makes her a cunt. I mean, seriously. Minnie's voice sounds like the noise a coked-up Snow White would make if she were getting fondled by Dopey. It's not pleasant to listen to, yet Minnie insists on talking non-fucking-stop. It's almost as bad as a Rihanna song in how much it makes you want to cut off your ears.

It's behavior like this that makes Minnie a complete and utter cunt. If you're still not convinced, I'll leave you with this video, which sums up in three minutes just how much of a cunt she is. Not only does Minnie open up a fucking bow shop, but she manages to make Daisy's birthday all about her, and she is also able to magically hang shit that even the tallest person in the room can't. Walt would be turning in his grave if he knew the kind of shit Minnie was pulling these days. Seriously, what a cunt.

Jam of the Week: "Beauty and a Beat" by Justin Bieber

This week's jam is none other than "Beauty and a Beat" by youthful Canadian import Justin Bieber. I know what you may be thinking. Tommy, have you done lost your mind? You hate Justin Bieber! And you'd be right in thinking so. Once upon a time, I was so anti-Biebs that my distaste for him and his music may have rivaled my hatred for Rihanna.

Then everything changed, seemingly in the blink of an eye.

The Biebs transformed himself into a mini Justin Timberlake, which is always a plus in my book. Even though he rejects those comparisons, there's no denying the similarity between the two. Justin's baby-voiced music is long gone, and now he hollers with some great R&B-influenced club bangers, which is a classic genre. Additionally, Justin's main squeeze is Selena Gomez. If he's good enough for her, you're damn right he's good enough for everyone else.

"Beauty and a Beat" is Justin at his finest. Not only does its title spoof my fave fairy tale (the Biebs is just so punny!), but it features Nicki Minaj, resident bitch of the rap scene, who tastefully rhymes "wiener" with "Selener." There's nothing about this jam that isn't infectious and fun. I urge you to take a listen. There are so many goodies just waiting to be enjoyed!

When Good Shows Become Steaming Piles of Unwatchable Shit: An Open Letter to Gossip Girl Showrunners

A pretty cast can only do so much when the show starts to suck ass.

Dear Gossip Girl so-called writers,

FUCK YOU.

Granted, I've only been an avid Gossip Girl fan for about two years now, but I have some serious grievances to address. But let us delve into some history first, shall we? I binge-watched the first four seasons in a few short months and fell head-over-heels in love. It had everything I stand for: beautiful and rich teenagers living like mini-adults and constantly getting into fights that usually stem from love triangles or the hunger for power in a rigid high school hierarchy.

Damn it, Vanessa. We all hate you!

For a good chunk of my life, I neglected social plans, academic obligations, and other duties to catch up on all the juicy twists and turns in the lives of the Upper East Side clique. Even though I found some decisions the show's writers made questionable, I stuck with it. I sucked it up when Vanessa Abrams (Jessica Szohr) came out of fucking nowhere, seemingly for the sole purpose of annoying the shit out of everyone. I got over the monotonous drama of Blair and Chuck's (Leighton Meester and Ed Westwick, respectively) relationship, which was more on-and-off than Mariah Carey's weight. I accepted that Serena (Blake Lively) was basically just going to sit around and do nothing for seasons on end, much like the actress who plays her. I DGAFed when Nate's (Chace Crawford) only function became dating women who turn out to be major cunts. I didn't complain when Blair seemed to find a new royal to date every five seconds, nor did I throw a fit when Jenny (Taylor Momsen) started looking like a raccoon prostitute. I resisted copious eye rolling when there was an entire "Let's Kill Serena" conspiracy, headed by Melrose Place leftover Katie Cassidy. I even stifled my vomit when Dan (Penn Badgley) deemed Vanessa a worthy fuck. All of this and other such messes were a-okay for the first four seasons.

Then came the fifth season, which shall know be known as the Unspeakable Aberration. This miscarriage of entertainment saw innumerable story lines that exemplify the writers' fading creativity and general incompetence. Let's start with the fact that every single character decides, not explicitly so, that they were going to stop attending college. Then Nate, who can't be older than 20, takes over a fucking newspaper with no journalistic experience. Meanwhile, Dan was off somewhere becoming a world renowned author, also at the ripe age of 19 or 20. But none of this compares to Blair, who's about to marry a prince and become fucking European royalty. But wait, she still loves Chuck. And also Dan. So, rather than get her shit together, she sluts it up for half a season, becomes a pious Bible thumper for an episode and a half, and then resumes her role as a three-timing skank. It was the first time that I actually preferred Serena over Blair. But don't worry, that went out the window when Serena tricked Dan into cheating on Blair with her and then fell back on her cocaine habit. All the while, a con artist with a serious case of smoker's voice named Ivy Dickens (Kaylee DeFer) wastes our time masquerading as Serena's cousin, Charlie Rhodes. The real Charlotte Rhodes (Ella Rae Peck) shows up later and shit ensues. However, the award for Biggest "What the Ever Loving Fuck" Moment goes to when Chuck's father, Bart, turns up alive three years after the audience saw him die in a hospital.

It's sad when you long for the days
when this bitch was still crawling
around the Upper East Side.

Gossip Girl will begin its shortened sixth and final season next Monday with only a fraction of its once impressive audience. (Well, impressive for CW standards.) Many of my fellow GG fans jumped ship during Blair's aforementioned religious awakening. I stayed with the show, mostly due to my compulsive inability to abandon a series no matter how rank it gets. But let me tell you, I don't know if even I'll make it through the final ten episodes. What do we have in store for us? Dan, who began the fifth season with the publication of his scandalous book, will begin the sixth season with the publication of another scandalous book. Cool. I'm loving the creativity, versatility, and character arc development behind that decision. Meanwhile, Blair and Chuck will team up to take down Bart. Shouldn't be hard, since he's supposed to be dead and all. Serena will be in a coked-up state of irresponsibility and self-absorption, which is a refreshing departure from her usual sober state of irresponsibility and self-absorption. I'm not really sure what Nate will be up to, because I barely remember anything he's done since the first season.

So, in conclusion, Gossip Girl is just not a thing anymore. Cheers to the wonderful showrunners for mishandling a once-marvelous series, murdering its allure, beating it afterwards, burying it far below ground, and then digging up its corpse and letting it decompose in plain sight.

XOXO,
A so-called fan

Bitch of the Week: Jennie Garth, Queen of 9021-Oh Snap!

Still ruling the 90210 zip code after all these years.

Happy Friday! The weekend is finally upon us, and what better way to celebrate its arrival than with the Bitch of the Week. You may be questioning what exactly is the difference between Bitch of the Week and Cunt of the Week. The answer is simple: while a Cunt of the Week is someone who just sucks ass, a Bitch of the Week rocks the shit out of life. It's a highly prestigious title, and it gives me great honor to present it to the great Jennie Garth.

Photographic proof that Jennie has been
making the ultimate bitch face since 1992.

Jennie rose to fame in the 90s while starring in Beverly Hills, 90210 as Kelly Taylor, a self-absorbed bitch with a slutty reputation to boot. Anyone who knows me will tell you that any character fitting such a description is usually my fave, so I was instantly drawn to Kelly, and to Jennie by default. Though Kelly was originally a supporting role on the show, playing second fiddle to a couple of flannel-clad twins from the Mid West, it didn't take Jennie long to outshine the resident hag, who is occasionally referred to as Shannen Doherty, and become the show's female lead. There was so much alleged tension between Jennie and Shannen as the former's character began eclipsing the latter's that it was reportedly one important factor in Shannen losing her job. Other reasons include her excessive partying and legendary cuntitude. Jennie & Co. would have none of that! Here's Jennie being passive aggressive as fuck about Shannen's departure to Entertainment Weekly:

We were friends at work, and I miss her most of the time. We were all uncertain about how it would be (without her). But now that we're back, it's like she was never here.

Beautifully said, J! But like a true bitch, Jennie didn't go without feuding for long. When Tiffani Amber Thiessen dragged her sorry ass from Saved by the Bell to BH90210 for the fifth season, Jennie let that Brenda Walsh wannabe know her place immediately. While the women eventually became friends, Jennie soon shut her out again. Loving the whole "keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer and then banish them" attitude! The cat fight is still making headlines as of this past May, which is just too delicious!

Soon enough, Jennie was queen of the set, basically carrying the whole fucking show by herself and continued to do so for ten seasons. (Let's face it, it's not like Ian Ziering and Tori Spelling could really do shit.) So important was Jennie's portrayal of Kelly that she even launched an entire fucking spin-off, the famed Melrose Place, and would later reprise her role in the 2008 90210 reboot. Can you imagine having the foundation of an entire franchise on your shoulders? Of course not. You ain't Jennie Garth!

Since the BH90210's finale in 2000, Jennie's career has flagged quite a bit, but that hasn't stopped her from being the ultimate bitch. She starred in the underrated sitcom What I Like About You from 2002 to 2006, during which time Jennie reportedly got into yet another feud with her co-star, a pre-meltdown Amanda Bynes. Then she danced the shit out of Dancing With the Stars in 2007 and reached the semi-finals. (Side note: Shannen Doherty also did the show and was eliminated in the first week. Lol!) That same year, she taught me and my entire health class all we needed to know about AIDS in the Lifetime movie Girl Positive. Oh, and she was also married to that Twilight guy for a bit. They had a couple of kids and then he cheated on her. Guess some men can't handle a true bitch!

It's clear that Jennie Garth is, has always been, and will continue to be a bitch. Whether it's picking fights with co-stars or just being an all-around BAMF, Jennie knows who she is and she is not apologizing for it. You go, girl!

Cunt of the Week: Rihanna, the Ultra-Cunt

Ugh. This bitch.

It has always been a goal of mine to make "cunt" a more socially acceptable word. My reasoning is that sometimes people can be such cunts, that there's really no other word to describe them. To aid me in this journey toward a society with more relaxed linguistics, I'll be condemning a new cunt each week. Without further ado, let's go to our first Cunt of the Week.

Who is more of a cunt that Rihanna? In case you live under a rock, Rihanna is a singer that Barbados got sick of and sent over to America as a practical joke. Since then, she's been known for pulling shitty album after shitty album out of her ass left and right and for being just an all-around cunt.

Why, you may ask, is Rihanna such a cunt? I'll tell you. Let's start with her so-called talent. A brilliant professor I once had described Rihanna's vocals so eloquently that I was completely blown away by her brevity, beauty, and accuracy. "Rihanna," my professor said. "The young woman who sounds like a dying mongoose." Preach! If Rihanna has any vocal ability, she's sure good at hiding it. Just take some nasally gawks, slap them against a flavor-of-the-month beat, and BAM! You got yourself a Rihanna song.

There's also the fact that she writes close to nothing. But come on guys, are you really surprised? She's far too busy smoking weed and ruining Jay-Z songs to actually write her own music. Lyrics such as "Where have you been/All my life, all my life/Where have you been, all my life/Where have you been, all my life/Where have you been, all my life/Where have you been, all my life" are so intricate and thought-provoking that they must have taken months to write, and that's time that Rihanna just does not have.

My next point begs the question: When's the last time you turned on the radio and didn't hear a Rihanna song? I know that I personally couldn't get through a single day last year without being audibly assaulted by "We Found Love". (Where exactly did she find love again? It's still not clear.) That's simply because Rihanna does not understand the importance of taking the time to hone her craft. Once her current single starts dipping in radio airplay, she releases her next single. Once her album is bled dry of singles, she records her next album. Her seventh album is currently slated for a November 2012 release; it will be her fourth album in three years.

I didn't always hate Rihanna. In fact, it wasn't until after the whole Chris Brown incident that I realized how fucking annoying she is. Now I'm not defending Chris, nor am I advocating violence of any kind, but I gotta admit, thinking about Rihanna has made my fist curl once or twice. Anyway, after the showdown, Chris went on to release some great jams while his life and anger management skills continued to circle the drain. Totally acceptable.

Meanwhile, Rihanna just turned into a massive cunt. Her music became "edgy" and "dark" and she changed her hair color more times than Taylor Swift changes boyfriends. Then for whatever reason, she reconciled with Chris and started recording duets with him like there was no tomorrow. And then, this summer, she had the audacity to proclaim her love for Chris in an interview with Oprah. If you haven't seen it, don't bother. It went something like this:

Opraaah, I just lav heem, Opraaah. He's da lav of my life, Opraaah.

Aside from her music and poor life decisions, Rihanna is a cunt for many other reasons. She's rather thuggish in nature, constantly picking Twitter fights and whatnot, and she seems totally oblivious to how much she sucks. Not only is she delusional enough to consider herself the Black Madonna, but she actually thinks her music is meaningful!

Nobody wearing that hooded sweater shitshow can be taken seriously.

Rihanna's songs leave me in tears, too. Sometimes the pain from blood pouring out my ears is just too much.

Full disclosure: While my hatred for Rihanna is as true as the day is long, I do own 23 of her songs (not counting her various duets with Jay-Z, Drake, Maroon 5, Coldplay, etc.). That's more than I would like to admit, but at the same time, it has become nearly impossible to function in today's world without a working knowledge of Rihanna's music.

However, I hope you are now enlightened enough to see what a shitty person and "artist" Rihanna is, if you hadn't yet reached that conclusion on your own. The next time she poisons the airwaves with her cat screetching, I know we'll all collectively be thinking, "Oh, Rihanna! What a cunt."

Kelly Clarkson: Queen of Flops and Also Covers

Even she knows she's a flop!

Kelly Clarkson, to put it quite simply, puzzles me. Sometimes she's a star, sometimes she's a flop. Sometimes she's thin, sometimes she's, well, not. Sometimes I care, but most of the time I don't. I just don't get it. I'm not sure what her game plan in life is, but if she thinks she can just coast on the "prestige" of being the first American Idol, she better think again, because she may be the first American Idol, but Carrie Underwood will always be the best. As for the other winners, do you know their names? Do you even know how many there are? I digress slash rest my case.

Anyway, just when I think we're finally done with Kelly and that she's given up on her career, she comes flying out of the woodwork like a bat out of hell with catchy tunes such as "Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You)" and then she thinks she's hot shit again, taking the whole country by storm and performing in semi-full, mostly outdoor venues. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. How she swallows her pride, musters up the courage to perform under such circumstances, and resists the humiliation of it all is beyond me! Of course, this all happens when she's not busy judging the smash hit singing competition Duets on ABC. (Haven't heard of it? Yeah, I haven't really either.)

I'm convinced that her career resurrection is only temporary, but not even I can deny that which launched Kelly into stardom in the first place: her voice. While her voice is usually wasted on her own songs, like the clumsy country wannabe shitfest "Mr. Know It All" as well as early hits like "Miss Independent" and "Walk Away" that have been exhausted to fucking death, Kelly also loans her golden pipes to other songs. You know, good songs. At every show of her Weaker Stronger Tour, bitch belts out a fan-requested cover like nobody's business. Below are some of my faves. If you've given up on Kelly like I had, perhaps these will help you flip a U-ie and holla back into her fandom.

"Everytime" by Britney Spears

"Someone Like You" by Adele

"Fix You" by Coldplay