Jam of the Week: "Snake Charmer" by Jessica Lowndes

The current Jam of the Week also takes the title for being one of the most ridiculous tunes I've heard in a while. The song is "Snake Charmer" and the artist is Jessica Lowndes. You're probably thinking, wtf is a jessica lowndes? Well, she's the oval-faced bitch who plays Adrianna Tate-Duncan on 90210 (the uber shitty but incredibly addicting reboot, not the glorious original).

To understand why this song exists, we must first delve into the complex character that is Adrianna Tate-Duncan. (She has a hyphenated last name, so you know her life is just that complicated.) She begins the series as a former child actress with a serious drug addiction. By her seventeenth birthday, she's already gone to rehab and given up her baby for adoption. In the second season, Adrianna gets a second chance at fame when a foreign pop star named Javier asks her to tour with him. Unfortunately, they're involved in a car accident. Javier dies, and Adrianna doesn't even have a scratch on her. She's so uninjured, in fact, that she's able to steal Javier's book of song lyrics, which she uses to advance her solo career. Once her deception is discovered, she becomes the most hated woman in America (think Casey Anthony or Kristen Stewart). At this point, Adrianna gets a reality show.

By the fourth season, Adrianna is working as a waitress and it's as if she was never famous. But, as luck would have it, her new bf Dixon is also into music and together they start making waves in the industry. However, their partnership takes a bad turn and pretty soon Adrianna is back to her solo career, which, in a very Taylor Swift-esque move, she decides will be in country music. Um okay, because Beverly Hills bitches know so much about country music.

And here we are. Adrianna releases "Snake Charmer", which sounds like three awful dance songs rolled into one. It honestly makes no fucking sense. Like so much else on the show, the writers don't bother explaining why a country singer decided to release this song. So why is it Jam of the Week? Well, because it's so bad that it's actually kind of amazing. Take a listen and hear for yourself!

Bitch of the Week: Santana Lopez

If I were her, I'd throw slushies at
people too.

Glee has no shortage of bitches. From cruel coach Sue Sylvester to the selfish and vain Quinn Fabray, you can't throw a rock out a damn window at McKinley High without hitting a tried and true bitch. However, the bitchiest bitch of them all, and therefore the best one suited for Bitch of the Week, is Santana Lopez.

Santana is about as ghettoliciously bitchy as it gets. She explained her upbringing beautifully: "I'm from Lima Heights, I was raised on insults. That's how my abuela puts me to sleep at night, and she was not a nice lady. Did you know she tried to sell me once? And it wasn't until I got to kindergarten that I learned my name wasn't Garbage Face." Perhaps one day I'll write a dissertation on how bitchiness is hereditary, but for now, this will do.

In the beginning of the series, Santana was a bitchy cheerleader who, alongside Coach Sue, Quinn, and Brittany, plots to take down the glee club. But just because she was part of a four-woman conspiracy doesn't mean Santana didn't have her own agenda. The audience got their first taste of true bitch when Santana stole Puck from Quinn after some steaming sexting. ("Sexting?" Quinn asked. "Sexy texting!" Santana explained. "Seriously, what era are you from?")

Eventually, it came time to destroy the relationship between the glee co-captains, innocent but self-absorbed Rachel and dim-witted Finn, because if their romance crumbled, so would the entire club. Taking a page from the ultimate bitch's handbook, Santana decided to seduce Finn. "Everything about you screams 'virgin,'" she tells him. "You're about as sexy as a Cabbage Patch Kid. It's exhausting to look at you." When Santana wasn't busy plotting, she was keeping up with her daily bitchery, usually by harassing Rachel about her wardrobe and calling her Yentl, dwarf, midget, or whatever other fun nickname popped into her head. #inspiration

A Bitch and a Blonde.

As the series progressed, Santana was truly a bitch in heat, unable to remain celibate for long. She and Brittany embarked on a fling, and although Brittany wanted something more, Santana was in it purely for the sex. "I'm like a lizard. I need something warm beneath me or else I can't digest my food."

However, it wasn't until the writers began peeling back the many layers of Santana when I finally truly understood her and related to her. In a second season episode, she confessed: "I just try to be really, really honest with people when I think that they suck! You know? No one gets it." THANK YOU. Omg, welcome to the club! It's not our fault people can't handle the truth! Santana's allegiance to the truth can best be summed up in her quote from the episode "Born This Way":

Hold up, could we all just get real here for a second? I hear that Rachel has a bit of a schnoz. I mean I wouldn't know because like Medusa I try to avoid eye contact with her. But can we all just stop lying about how there aren't things we don't want to change about ourselves? I'm sure that Sam has been at the doctor's office and riffled through pamphlets on mouth reductions. I'll bet Artie's thought about getting his legs removed since he's not really using them anyway. And I'm definitely sure Tina has looked into getting an eye de-slanting.

Sorry haters can't handle her spilling some mad truth tea, okay!

Shit gets real when Santana starts coming to terms with her feelings for Brittany. "The only straight I am is straight up bitch." #holler While the two enjoy a steady relationship, Santana never let her personal happiness eclipse her responsibility of destroying the happiness of those around her.

As with most things Glee-related, Santana isn't as fun as she used to be. Hell, now that she's in college, she's barely on the show! But she will forever remain one of the bitchiest TV characters of all time. Love her!

Cunt of the Week: Amanda Bynes, Because It Was Only a Matter of Time

"Thaaaaat's me!"

If you're feeling down this holiday season, I suggest a healthy dosage of Cunt of the Week to ease your troubles, because this week's cunt is the most ridiculous person I've ever heard of.

Remember when Amanda Bynes was the shit? She was like Hilary Duff, but the Nickelodeon version. She was part of the bitchin' original cast of All That, headlined her own self-titled variety show, and showed her stuff in films like Big Fat Liar, She's the Man, and Hairspray. Well, as it turns out, like so many lovely ladies on our television screen, Amanda is a total cunt. Her cuntitude can best be conveyed in a timeline.

2002 - 2006: Amanda follows up her teenage success with a show called What I Like About You. For four years, Amanda reportedly had a huge ego, slutted in up like no other, and constantly antagonized her co-star Jennie Garth. Oh Mandy. Putting yourself in direct conflict with a former Bitch of the Week practically seals your fate as a cunt.

June 2010: Amanda announces that she's retiring from acting at the ripe age of 24. "Being an actress isn’t as fun as it may seem," she tweeted. "If I don’t love something anymore, I stop doing it. I don’t love acting anymore, so I’ve stopped doing it." AKA she can't find work and gives up. That is, until...

July 2010: Amanda declares that she's "unretired" only a month after calling it quits. Eyebrows were raised - oh, were they raised - but if anything, she just comes off as reckless and immature.

September 2010: Easy A, Amanda's final pre-retirement project, hits theaters. Although it's funny as fuck, Amanda has an inexplicable case of chipmunk cheeks. Wtf?

March 8, 2012: A police officer pulls Amanda over for talking on her cell phone while driving. He goes to his squad car to write the ticket, but the actress flees the scene before he can give it to her. Showing some semblance of responsibility, she picks up her citation at the police station later in the day.

April 6, 2012: Amanda is arrested for driving under the influence in West Hollywood after crashing into a police car. She refuses to let authorities take a blood test and later goes on to publicly claim that she was not drinking. Millions of 90s children lose their role model.

Literally, within 24 hours of being arrested, Amanda goes clubbing again, but is denied entry into The Stanford club because of her arrest.

April 10, 2012: Amanda is allegedly involved in a hit-and-run after swiping another car on the 101, fleeing the scene, and blowing through a red light.

She's probably scheduling a hair appointment. I would if
that was my hair.

April 12, 2012: Photographers catch Amanda texting while driving. And then she backs her car up a sidewalk. (Picture to the right.)

April 15, 2012: Amanda decides to hold up traffic on a busy West Hollywood street while attempting to make a 3-point turn. This is after she forgets to pay a valet earlier in the day.

May 4, 2012: A fucking police helicopter chases Amanda's ass after she allegedly committed a hit-and-run. When she is finally pulled over, she swears to the police that she didn't realize she had hit another car.

June 6, 2012: Shortly after being officially charged for her DUI, Amanda tweets President Obama and asks him to fire the cop that arrested her. Okay now. That is some Lindsay Lohan-level cray.

August 4, 2012: After a relatively quiet summer, Amanda hits yet another car and then flees the scene once she realizes she would have to exchange information with the victim. In her defense, this is the first car accident she doesn't run away from right away, so she probably doesn't know the proper protocol!

August 20, 2012: Amanda gets rear-ended. At least it's not her fault this time.

September 9, 2012: The roads of LA are safe once again, as Amanda's license is suspended because she can't drive for shit.

The same exact day her license is suspended, Amanda is pulled over for driving... with a suspended license... at night with no headlights.

At least she wore her glasses!

September 13, 2012: Paparazzi trail Amanda for hours as she drives with a suspended license and repeatedly takes pot hits from a pipe. (Picture to the left.)

That same night, Amanda whips up her special, which is getting into another car accident.

September 14, 2012: Amanda gets into another fucking car accident. She was driving with a suspended license. With a scarf around her head.

September 16, 2012: Amanda is pulled over for driving aimlessly around Burbank Airport, ticketed for driving with a suspended license, and her car is impounded.

September 17, 2012: Lindsay Lohan slams Amanda for being a total fuck-up. Wow... If Lindsay Lohan, who is probably the co-founder of the ALC (American League of Cunts) thinks you're even worse off than she is, you are absolutely fucked.

Meanwhile, Amanda shops at a West Hollywood clothing store and locks herself in a dressing room for almost two hours. When she finally emerges, she purchases several items, including a bathing suit she forgets she's wearing underneath her clothes. She then proceeds to sit in a Starbucks by herself for an additional three hours. Clearly, she had a lot to do that day.

September 18, 2012: Amanda decides that she doesn't want a single day to go by without her fucking something up, so she goes to a gym and partakes in a 50-minute spinning class. Eventually, she gets bored and starts wandering around the room aimlessly. And then she takes off her shirt, revealing a black lace bra, not a sports bra. And then she leaves to reapply her make-up for 10 minutes, at which point the instructor throws her sorry ass out.

September 19, 2012: Amanda insists, "I'm doing amazing" before saying that she's retired from acting again, plans to launch a fashion design, and then claiming that she doesn't drink. Ah, hellz naw!

September 21, 2012: After multiple attempts to reach out to their client, Amanda's manager, agent, and publicist all drop her. It's sad when even the people who get paid to keep celebrity's lives together don't even want to deal with her.

September 24, 2012: Amanda is spotted in New York City, taking her cuntitude coast-to-coast. She tells friends that her impromptu trip is so she can "be alone"... in one of the most populated cities in the country.

September 26, 2012: Still fucking shit up in the Big Apple, Amanda strikes again and locks herself in the bathroom of a cupcake shop. After 30 minutes, the employees and patrons grow concerned and start checking on her, but she doesn't reply. They call the police, who arrive 15 minutes to break down the door. Amanda then said, "Excuse me. I was doing my make-up." UMM...

Thankfully, Amanda's most recent issues have been within the confides of a courthouse. And that's not as fun as her getting into a car accident every day, so I'm not going to write about it. My point is, if you're feeling blue or just looking for a reason to be thankful, just be glad you ain't this bitch!

Penelope Taint is most certainly not be Amanda's number-one fan anymore, please.

Jam of the Week: "Scream & Shout" by will.i.am and Britney Spears

This week's Jam of the Week is "Scream & Shout" by will.i.am featuring the legendary Miss Britney Spears. If you've already heard the song, which leaked this weekend but doesn't receive its official release until later this week, you know that it's not the best song in the world. In fact it does a lot of things wrong. Firstly, it's by will.i.am, who is like a pressed version of Timbaland; he's barely tolerable in the Black Eyed Peas, but now he has a solo career? Secondly, the song is just bad. From its forgettable lyrics ("When you hear us in the club/You gotta turn this shit up" and "When we up in the club/All eyes on us") to its basic dance beat, the song does little to distinguish itself from everything else out there.

However, the one thing that this song does right, the one thing that earns "Scream & Shout" the title of Jam of the Week, is BRITNEY. True, she's not in the song a ton; true, she sings in a British accent for most of her solo; true, this song is so decidedly un-Britney that will.i.am could have had just about anyone else sing her part. But at the end of the day, it's Britney, bitch. She even says it in this song, too! So turn up the volume because we about to scream and shout with Britney!

Review: Paradise by Lana Del Rey

Explicit content indeed.

The summer of 2011 was quite eventful. With Britney Spears on tour, it was damn near impossible to focus on anything else. But it was during those hot months that the artist formerly known as Lizzie Grant starting making waves in the music scene. Lana Del Rey's debut single, "Video Games", put her on the map and she had many people buzzing that she was the savior of pop music; however, she's since experience the ugly side of fame. After two atrocious appearances on Saturday Night Live, critics brutally attacked her debut album Born to Die and wrote her off as quickly as they had originally embraced her.

But that shit ain't gonna keep Lana down. This week, she released her latest work, Paradise. Overall, the album lacks the diversity that made Born to Die so great (where's the quasi-rapping, Lana?), but proves that her debut album was more than just a fluke; she may be a little annoying, and incredibly haunting, but she is talented!

Paradise opens with former Jam of the Week "Ride". As I stated in that post, the song is quintessential Lana, as she sings about wandering through life, looking for love to give her a purpose. "Ride" sets up the album perfectly. "I've been trying too hard with one pretty song," she sings, most likely referencing the single that made her famous. I'm loving the autobiographical content, Lana.

"American", the second track, is one of Lana's prettiest songs. To be honest, I'm not sure what this song accomplishes other than expressing Lana's fondness for Americana, but something meaningful must exist within the lyric "Be young, be dope, be proud/Like an American," a line which is followed by excessive cooing. While I don't know what this song means, I know how it makes me feel, and it makes me feel like I should be rolling around in an American flag while high off shrooms.

"My pussy tastes like Pepsi-Cola," Lana sings at the top of "Cola", the funniest song on the album. The track tells the story of a teenage girl seducing an older married man, which a theme I can really support because it's hilarious. What else is comical? When she says, "Drugs suck it up/Like vanilla Icees/Don't treat me rough/Treat me really nicies." Lana's songs are no strangers to baby-talk, but this really takes the cake for its ridiculousness. After listening to this song, I ask you two questions: (1) Between "Cola" and "Diet Mountain Dew" from her debut album, what's up with Lana's cold pop fixation? And (2) What carbonated beverage does your pussy taste like?

"Body Electric" is the next song, and it opens with the lines, "Elvis is my daddy/Marilyn's my mother/Jesus is my bestest friend." The rest of the song is, unfortunately, a let down. The entire chorus consists of Lana simply saying, "I sing the body electric." What the fuck is the body electric? I'm not sure, but I don't like Lana making up shit to sing about.

Lana's cover of "Blue Velvet" is, quite frankly, disturbing. If you've seen any of Lana's H&M commercials, this is the song playing. It truly makes me feel as if I'm about to get married in some seedy motel or something. I don't like it. At all. Moving on.

"Gods & Monsters" is a great song, if for nothing else but its title. Keeping with the overall theme of the album, the song is about sex. "In the land of gods and monsters/I was an angel looking to get fucked hard," she sings. And apparently, she gets her wish, as additional lyrics go: "Fuck yeah, give it to me/This is heaven, what I truly want." I just wonder if she nailed a god or a monster.

The next song, "Yayo", makes me want to die. Seriously, even Lana sounds like the life is being drained from her as she sings. I'm not sure what a yayo is, but I'm applying the "Body Electric" principle here. I don't like songs about made-up shit!

The final song on the standard edition, "Bel Air" is wonderful because the music makes me feel like I'm driving down Wisteria Lane on a bright spring day. The song successfully conveys the opulence of its namesake, and I'm all for things about rich people.

If you get the album on iTunes, you'll be treated to the bonus track "Burning Desire". It might as well be titled "Ride Part II", as it is incredibly similar to the opening song, at least in theme. One one hand, this makes it a great finale for the album; on the other hand, it seems rather excessive.

In conclusion, Paradise is classic Lana. She exudes the same sex-crazed, love-starved fragility that was at the heart of Born to Die. It proves that Lana is more than a one-hit wonder, but also reminds us all, with its many flaws, that she isn't the savior of pop music as she was once heralded.

Bitch of the Week: Emma Stone

Lol.

One of the cardinal rules of being a Bitch of the Week is to not be a redhead. There are only three exceptions to this rule: Marcia Cross, Daphne Blake from Scooby-Doo, and Emma Stone. Today, I welcome the latter, a blonde-dyed-ginge, to the Bitch of the Week family.

Emma has come a long way since her debut film role in Superbad, which remains one of the dumbest movies I've ever seen. Who could forget the classic scene of her attempting to be sexy by wetting her crotch at a sorority car wash in The House Bunny? ("I can't expect everyone to have seen The House Bunny," she's said. "Oh God. I am having such waves of internal embarrassment, which now I'm admitting on a tape recorder. This is so one of the things I should keep in my head.") And Easy A is arguably one of the best teen comedies to ever grace this earth. ("I've still never seen it," she once confessed.)

However, fame didn't come overnight for Emma. "I was a stepsister in a local production of Cinderella," she said of her early career. "I had crazy red hair in a cone shape and lots of blue eye shadow. I had braces at the time, so whenever I smiled it was all red lipstick on my teeth, which was really attractive." Since then, between The Help, Crazy, Stupid, Love, and The Amazing Spider-Man, Emma has proven that she is a great actress, and everything that Lindsay Lohan was supposed to be.

We love you too!

Emma has also excelled in her personal life, as she landed Andrew Garfield. They just make the best couple. They're both funny, attractive, and well-dressed. One of my favorite activities is to search them on tumblr. I wish I was kidding, but I'm not. If they work really hard, they could be the next Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively (although, I think E&A have a better chance at survival).

Emma is young, as is her career, so she still has a lot of bitching up to do. But I think she's doing an excellent job and I hope her status as a Bitch of the Week gives her the encouragement to continue doing what she does best!

Throwback Thursday: Tommy Picks the Best Songs by Disney Channel Stars

Honestly, so true. But where's Christy Carlson Romano?

It's no secret that I have a weakness for Disney Channel stars. There's nothing I like more than a celebrity whose acting is so horrible, it's actually fun to watch, and who releases uber catchy, albeit cookie-cutter, jams at a Rihanna-like frequency. While I admittedly have no idea what fuckery has been going on with the Disney Channel in the past two years, I have at least a decade of treasured memories, most of which involve my favorite stars exploring music careers despite having a lack of talent and, in some cases, ambition.

So, without further ado, I present the top ten songs by Disney Channel stars.

10. "Double Dutch Bus" by Raven-Symoné
Fe Fi Fo Fum! Well I'll be done, here Raven comes! It's unclear to me if Raven's singing career actually ever existed, or if she was self-financing various music videos a la Rebecca Black and paying for ad space on Disney Channel to air them to millions of children around the country. Regardless of the legitimacy of her singing career, there's no denying that her cover of "Double Dutch Bus" isn't a jam. With lyrics such as "Wizzo izzay izzle in da double dizutch," you just know that you're taking a bus ride straight to audio heaven.

9. "Naturally" by Selena Gomez & The Scene
Remember when Selena Gomez was like, "I'm gonna have a music career but I'm not gonna be a solo artist. I'm gonna have a band because that makes it legit, unlike this Miley Cyrus bullshit"? Well, I'm paraphrasing, but the point is she made a big deal about not being a solo artist... So she proceeded to hire four (Five? Three? I don't even know) guys to literally do nothing. They don't write any songs and, given that Selena's jams are mostly synthetic dance songs, they probably don't even play instruments. No matter how screwed-up the formula is, it produced "Naturally", which launched Selena's music career and, three years later, has proven that it will NEVER get old. The music video leaves much to be desired, but the song more than makes up for it.

8. "See You Again" by Miley Cyrus
Despite her rather unfortunate career and hair-related decisions recently, Miley Cyrus is the pinnacle of Disney Channel stardom. Remember when she was basically running this shit like a club? Well, it all comes back to "See You Again". In 2007, after a year of Hannah Montana caca, Miley decided it was time to ditch the blonde wig and embark on musical journey all her own. The fact that this song was Miley's (14 at the time) first non-HM song should have been an indication of the salvia-smoking slut she would eventually blossom into. It's mature, but not explicitly inappropriate. Miley knew what was up! "See You Again" also gave birth to the beloved phrase, "She's just being Miley!" And indeed she is just being Miley. Indeed she is.

7. "Say OK" by Vanessa Hugens
Back when she still insisted on using her middle name, Vanessa Anne Hudgens was high on her High School Musical fame. Everyone wanted to sign her and her co-stars to record deals, and she knew she had to strike while the iron's hot. The result? "Say OK", a wonderful jam about being whiney and constantly needing reassurance and validation from a lover. (I'm assuming it's autobiographical.) The music video is just as much a treat as the song, as it acted as the "coming out" of Vanessa and Zac Efron as a couple. #RIPZanessa

6. "Send It On" by Disney's Friends for Change
Disney must have been feeling pretty bad about their ecological footprint, because in 2009, they gathered their biggest stars to sing about how we need to take better care of our planet. The theme of "Send It On" is buried in some weird message about shining lights. Nevertheless, it was the first and only time Miley, Selena, Demi Lovato, and the Jonas Brothers all collaborated on a song. (They were collectively billed as Disney's Friends for Change, which is just gross.) It's so deliciously wonderful to watch Miley play nice with Selena and Demi, as it was common knowledge at the time that they didn't get along. Equally as entertaining is how the stars are paired off: former lovers Miley and Nick, future lovers Demi and Joe, and then Selena and Kevin, the ones who can't sing.

5. "Give Your Heart a Break" by Demi Lovato
If anyone is the exception to the Disney mold, it's Demi Lovato. Not only does she have actual raw talent, but bitch is intense! She went to rehab for being an addict and all-around hot mess (more on that for her inevitable Cunt of the Week post). I have all of Demi's albums, as is the case with most of the people on this list, and I fell in love with "Give Your Heart a Break" when Unbroken came out over a year ago. Basically, I liked it before it was popular. #Hipsterology

4. "He Said She Said" by Ashley Tisdale
Similar to her High School Musical homegirl, Ashley Tisdale wasted no time milking the opportunities the movie's success afforded her. However, since she didn't sign with Disney's label Hollywood Records, she was allowed to be as big a slut as she wanted. In "He Said She Said", Ashley comes off as a Britney wannabe, but she makes it work. (It was so naughty, in fact, that she had to come out with a clean version so she could get airplay on the all-too-powerful Radio Disney.) The song is a lovely blend of Ashley rapping, "singing," and then cooing like a baby. Love it!

3. "So Yesterday" by Hilary Duff
Let's be honest: my best friend Hilary Duff has released many a jam over the years and it was hard to narrow it down to just one for this list. I selected "So Yesterday" because it says so much about life. "If it's over, let it go" is, like, the best advice. So while the song may not tell us what dreams are made of, encourage us to take a crazy chance, or rally us to wake up on a Saturday night, it certainly holds its own as an insatiable HilDuff jam. Also, just try not to enjoy the music video.

2. "Love You Like a Love Song" by Selena Gomez & The Scene
Making their second appearance on the list, Selena Gomez (and the Scene, I guess) proves that when the topic of love has been exhausted in innumerable songs, the best solution is to write a song about it. "Love You Like a Love Song" is pretty much one of the best songs ever written so when you're done being pressed as fuck, you can enjoy the music video. It's really fun!

1. "Party in the U.S.A." by Miley Cyrus
As if there was any doubt that this would be the top song! "Party in the U.S.A." is probably what was playing in God's head when he made the human race, because this song is the epitome of life. It's catchy, talks about cardigans, and even has a Britney reference. The best part of the song is its patriotic message. Yeah, it is a party in the U.S.A. Though my several attempts to get the song inducted as our country's national anthem have flopped, I will not rest until children all across this merry land are saluting the majestic flag, all decked in red, white, and blue, while singing, "Who's that chick that's rockin' kicks? She gotta be from out of town."