Cunt of the Week: Princess Peach

"Who, me?"

I'm not an avid video game player, but my game of choice is usually something in the Mario family. This comes despite the fact that the Super Mario series is responsible for creating one of the biggest cunts known to the gaming community: Princess Peach Toadstool of the Mushroom Kingdom. In case her name alone isn't enough to make you want to slap her, I'll delve into all the reasons why she is the perfect candidate for Cunt of the Week.

Yeah, she's good at ice
skating too.

For the majority of her early appearances, all Peach was good for was getting captured by Bowser so that a fat Italian plumber with a superiority complex could have something to do. At some point you have to wonder why she didn't hire more mushroom people to guard her ass. (Sidebar: Why the hell would Peach, who allegedly possesses legendary beauty and is royal as fuck, settle for Mario? At least go for Luigi, you dumb bitch!)

Eventually, Peach started partaking in the various activities that occur in the Mario games. Kart racing, tennis, seemingly random violence: she did it all, and usually annoyingly so, with an umbrella and a high-pitched voice that just makes you sick. What's frustrating about this is that she's actually good. At everything. We've all been there: you're innocently trying to enjoy the game, as Yoshi or whichever character tickles your fancy, and then Peach and her pink ass come out of fucking nowhere and beat you! You'd be lying if you said this hasn't happened to you. For someone who can't seem to defend herself against abduction, an occurrence so frequent that it's practically like Swiss clockwork, she sure has an disproportionately high aptness in various sports.

"Here, let me."
#TotalCuntMove

Much like former Cunt of the Week Minnie Mouse, Peach has a best friend named Daisy whom she treats like utter shit. Daisy is just trying to make her way in this world, but how can she when she's constantly compared to Peach? I mean, seriously. Why should Peach get to stomp around like a giant while the rest of us try not to get smooshed under her big feet? What's so great about Peach, hm? Daisy is just as cute as Peach. Daisy is just as smart as Peach. People totally like Daisy as much as they like Peach. And when did it become okay for one person to be the boss of everybody, huh? Because that's not what the Mushroom Kingdom is about. We should totally just stab Peach! Anytime Daisy gets the slightest bit of attention, Peach hands herself over to Bowser so that the focus is once again on her.

It's clear that Peach's inability to remain unkidnapped, her unexplainable talent at everything, and her disgustingly high self esteem place her at the top of the cunt list. I hope that I've opened your eyes to her cunting ways. The next time you pick up a Wii controller, make it your goal to kick Peach's sorry toadstool.

Jam of the Week: "Anything Could Happen" by Ellie Goulding

This week's jam is "Anything Could Happen" by Ellie Goulding. Ellie is the latest British pop star making waves in the United States. She rose to fame with her song "Lights", which was playing EVERYWHERE this summer, forcing me to ask: (1) This song has been out forever, why is it just not getting popular? And (2) What the fuck is wrong with her voice? Indeed, good ole E.G. sounds like she's getting strangled after years of smoking four packs a day. But her voice is incredibly fascinating at the same time.

In fact, her voice is so enchanting, that "Anything Could Happen" sounds like a song that would play as you entered a magical world of fairies who all started singing a super catchy, albeit unintelligible, chorus of heavy breathing. The video is equally as interesting as in it doesn't make a lick of sense. Like so many pop stars these days who try so hard to be indie and artsy, Ellie attempts to make a sophisticated music video. I personally think my fairy land idea would've made a better plot line, but whatever.

Bitch of the Week: Raven Baxter

Yup, that's me!

Today, Raven Baxter, the one and only teen psychic on Disney Channel, joins the prestigious ranks as Bitch of the Week; however, perhaps a more fitting title is Troll of the Week. We're all familiar with the incredibly formulaic plot of That's So Raven. Raven has a vision, grossly misreads it, and does her best to keep the vision from being fulfilled, usually with a wacky costume and in an elaborate and ill-fated plan. Pretty simple... Or is it? I personally think that Raven is the ultimate troll, getting off on nothing more than fucking shit up for everyone else. And that is positively bitchy.

What reason could Raven have for being such a troll? Well, let's see: (1) her friends were Eddie, a deadbeat pussy with anger issues, and Chelsea, who seemed to get dumber and prettier as the years progressed; (2) school bullies such as the Latina Cheetah Girl and Zenon, Girl of the 21st Century, relentlessly tormented her; (3) brother Corey was a selfish little bastard who constantly got her into trouble; (4) her parents clearly had an unstable marriage, as Tanya was literally never around and then moved to fucking London for the final season (like wtf.) So it's not at all unbelievable that Raven would be acting out, purposely screwing up the lives of those around her for her own amusement.

While there are 100 episodes worth of examples as to how great of a troll Raven was, I'll focus on some of the notable ones:

Remember the one where Raven has a vision Chelsea and Eddie are dating behind her back, but it turns out they're just salsa dancing and don't want her controlling ass to be a part of it? Like any bitch, Raven isn't about to become a third wheel. When C and E are prepping to make their ballroom debut at the Chill Grill talent show, Raven confronts them about sneaking behind her back. "I don't even wanna think about y'all's moves!" she shouts when Eddie tells her they'll be busting out their moves on stage. She continued to berate them: "My dad runs a clean respectable business, not having you and your nasty-" (Who knows where this would have gone had she not been cut off.) When Raven sensed there love brewing, she knew a potential Eddie/Chelsea hook-up would pull focus from her, so she acted on her bitchstincts, to which I say brava.

One of the most important and influential quotes of all time.

And do you recall the one where she goes camping with Chelsea and the school nature club? With a tent-in-a-tube, her trademark skunk boots, and some Fabreeze to combat the smell of nature, Raven does everything in her power to fuck things up for the band of mountain-dwelling hippies. A true friend supports their friends' interests, but true bitch will try and soil those interests if said interests are fucking gross, i.e. camping. There's no reason why she should have to like nature just because Chelsea does!

Lastly, who could forget the classic episode in which Raven dresses up as her mother for a parent-teacher conference? Raven knew her parents' marriage was on the rocks, and bitch absolutely hated Tanya's desperate attempts to remain hip and fun, so she did anything she could to drive her mother out of the house.

When Raven wasn't busy fucking things up on purpose, she was designing her own clothes and calling people nasty. Bitch knew just how to handle just about every situation. Trolling came as naturally to her as being black. Though the series ended shy of Raven's high school graduation, we can only imagine she's out there, somewhere in the real world, fucking shit up for an entirely new group of people. #OhSnap

Honorable mention for Bitch of the Week goes to the real-life Raven-Symoné, whose last name is Pearman (lol). Since That's So Raven ended, she hasn't done much except become a lesbian. (It's no wonder Raven Baxter could never hold on to her man for long!)

Cunt of the Week: Dorothy and Her Gang of Misfit Fuck-Ups

That's right, I'm talking to you fuckers!

The Wizard of Oz is heralded as a cinematic masterpiece, a timeless classic that has remained a fixture in American pop culture for over 70 years. While I enjoyed the film as a child, I now struggle to accept its indelibility for two reasons: (1) it's long and boring as fuck, and (2) Dorothy and her ragtag bunch of idiots are cunts, plain and simple.

The film opens with Kansas farm girl Dorothy Gale pissing off her neighbor and singing about wanting a better life. No fucking shit. It's 1939. You're in the middle of the Great fucking Depression. Obviously you want a better life. Who doesn't? Instead of singing in a barn, why don't you get off your pigtailed ass and help out around the farm so the bank doesn't foreclose the hell out of you!

"Work? Yeah, right!" Dorothy replies. Then she runs away in the middle of a damn tornado and tries to go to Europe with a pedophile posing as a fortune teller on the side of the road! Eventually, she makes her way back home, and what do you think happens? She gets hit in the head and dreams that the tornado transports her, her dog Toto, and her house to a magical land called Oz. At this point, I'm ready to slap a bitch!

This is far scarier than any horror film.

Dorothy's first encounter in the Land of Oz is with the Munchkins. Anybody who has the ability to dream up these creepy ass little people has to be one sick cunt. Honestly, what kind of mind would conjure up such a disturbing species that lives in giant flowers and sings while wearing mismatched patterns and colors? Anyway, after killing one witch and robbing another, Dorothy embarks on a journey to the Emerald City, where she plans to enlist the help of the Wizard of Oz in returning to Kansas. She does so by following the Yellow Brick Road... Follow the Yellow Brick Road, follow the Yellow Brick Road. She says it about 18,000 more times, in case the directions don't sink in the first few times.

Along the way, she meets the biggest group of losers you can imagine: a dumb-as-shit scarecrow, an in-the-closet tinman, and a creepy man-lion hybrid. They all decide that this great wizard can bestow upon them a brain, a heart, and courage, respectively. Honestly, they were all perfectly fine, living their lives without complaint, until Dorothy came cunting in and her greediness rubbed off on them. Now they're all demanding shit! And seriously, do they all have to sing the same song and dance around like buffoons? It's like, okay, we get it! Just get on with it already. If you're at all like me, at this point in the film, you are so far over it that you're hoping the Wicked Bitch of the West comes in and annihilates all their asses.

Anyway, after Dorothy perfects her high-pitched yelp and the Tinman rusts another seven times, they finally reach the Emerald City's gates. I cannot tell you how fucking fed up I was with this pathetic band of morons when they took six hours to read, aloud and in unison, "Bell out of order. Please knock." I know the Scarecrow is a bit slow on the uptake, but do they ALL have to be so fucking dim?!

The answer is yes, because they spend the rest of the film being incompetent as all fuck. When they finally get to see the Wizard, Dorothy squeals, "I'll be home before supper!" BITCH. That better not be your only objective. I did not watch you skip around like a jackass for an hour and a half just because you didn't want to miss out on Auntie Em's shitty porridge.

Soon after, they're sent to kill the Wicked Witch and retrieve her broomstick; only then will the Wizard grant their wishes. On their way, however, they're attacked by a fleet of flying monkeys. The severity of these creatures' creepiness almost rivals that of the munchkins; once again, one must wonder what kind of sick shit Dorothy was up to if this is where her mind goes. One must also question how four full-grown individuals, one of which is a lion and another has an axe, are overtaken by three-foot-tall monkeys? Fucking hell.

What ensues is a bunch of fuckery before Dorothy finally (and famously) melts the Wicked Witch, bringing her total murder track record up to two. Then the gang discovers (again, famously so) that the Wizard is nothing more than a creepy old dude behind a curtain. (That's some pretty tight security.) Then she clicks her heels together three times and this happens:

I bet Dorothy's no stranger to having men come in
through her windows. That cunt.

The best thing about the end of the film is the fact that it was over and there was no sequel. (Not an official one, anyway.) While it's nice to known that 3 out of our 4 cunts were just a product of Dorothy's schizophrenia, it's discomforting that Dorothy probably spent the rest of her life cunting it up like no other.

The Wizard of Oz is a classic and will forever be known as the first colored film and the movie that launched pill-popper Judy Garland into stardom. However, there's no denying that, in its very essence, the story is one of four cunts who will never be satisfied with what they have. I would use the age-old "the grass is always greener" analogy, but it doesn't seem appropriate, as Kansas be gray as fuck! I challenge you to rewatch this film and not say to yourself, "Oh god, what a bunch of cunts!"

Jam of the Week: "Ride" by Lana Del Rey

I've never been so enthralled with a musician as I am with Lana Del Rey. Her music is cinematic, modern, and otherworldly all at the same time. I can't decide if I love her or just love to hate her. Regardless of the reason behind it, her music is fascinating. While it does get a little repetitive, and her vintage fashion doll "love-or-die" persona sets back the women's rights movement a decade or two, there's no denying that she's released a few jams.

In her latest effort, "Ride", Lana sticks to what she knows best: singing about a hard life she didn't actually experience. You see, Lana (whose real name is Elizabeth Grant) likes to pretend that she lived in 1960s America and traveled through the country looking for a man to complete her broke ass. In actuality, she spent her childhood on the Upper East Side and became an alcoholic at the ripe age of 14. I bet she was one of the glamorous alcoholics, too, not the whiny, trashy, or violent ones.

With lyrics such as "I'm tired of feeling like I'm fucking crazy," Lana knows just how to touch the souls of each of her 11 fans. "Ride" is classic Lana and, above all else, a jam (albeit a slow one at that.) If you're interested in just the song, use the video above. However, if you truly want to see what this cray bitch is all about, I suggest you watch the music video below. At 10 minutes, it's a bit long, but well worth it! You get to watch her whore herself out on a pinball machine. No, but really, it's artistic. I promise!

Tips for the Casual Insomniac

Every night, tbh.

 If you're like me, sleeping comes as easily as a tolerance for Zooey Deschanel. I've spent many a night laying awake, usually without purpose, hoping that my insomnia would somehow magically cure itself. But nay; I would always remain wide awake. In this regard, I was not at all unlike a Katy Perry song.


Over the years, I have developed a series of methods designed to help one get a good night's rest. So, come hither, fellow insomniacs!

1. Pretend your famous. While planning my inevitable future as a beloved public figure and television personality consumes my everyday life, it's also what puts me to sleep. I can't count the number of times I imagined myself giving an interview on the Today show. What kinds of questions would they ask me? How would I answer? It's too much fun to think about, and even though it's fascinating beyond belief, it does help me sleep. I encourage you to do the same. (For some of you, it'll take some extra creativity to imagine why you'd ever be famous. Just sayin'!)

2. Text a friend. Ask him or her about their lives, their hopes and dreams for the future. That oughta put you out!

3. Download the Britney Spears lullaby album. Even though I have yet to find a time of day during which listening to Britney Spears is a bad idea, her parade of pure and utter jams will only inspire you to live life, not rock you to sleep. So what's the next best thing? Well, there's an album containing lullaby versions of Britney Spears songs courtesy Twinkle Twinkle Little Rock Star! That's right. Downloaded it last night. No regrets. Although it didn't put me to sleep; I was too busy singing along that I forgot I was tired. Still, it's worth a try! And if Britney doesn't do it for you, then (1) you're an abomination to the human race, and (2) Twinkle Twinkle Little Rock Star has innumerable lullaby albums dedicated to a wide range of artists, such as Maroon 5, Adele, and even legendary cunt Taylor Swift.

4. Plot the downfall of a nemesis. If you're at all like me, enemies are a dime a dozen. There's no shortage of people to channel your unwanted nighttime energy toward. If you're going to be awake, you might as well be productive and ensure that your daylight hours are free from the various fuckers who taint your everyday life.

5. Don't be addicted to caffeine. A lot of my insomnia could probably be cured if I didn't intake so much caffeine. Starbucks runs at 9pm? Yeah, not a good idea.

If these fool-proof suggestions don't help you regulate your sleeping schedule, then you are absolutely fucked. Best of luck to you. Everyone else, you're welcome.

Bitch of the Week: Blair Waldorf

Portrait of a bitch.

If you've ever watched Gossip Girl, you know that the Upper East Side is rule solely by one bitch: Blair Waldorf. The character, who is brought to life by none other than Leighton Meester, is all about remaining top bitch in the inner circle of Manhattan's most privileged young adults, making her the perfect candidate for Bitch of the Week.

So why is Blair a total bitch?

A true bitch always admits it.

Let's see. Blair begins the show as the queen bee of the uber-exclusive private high school Constance. (Literally, her nickname is Queen B.) She's all about eating froyo, wearing headbands, and bossing around her maid Dorota and a group of mindless hoes, whom she unaffectionately calls her minions. Unfortunately, B plays second fiddle to Blake Lively's Serena Van Der Woodsen, at least initially. You see, after being a whore and coke addict, Serena returns from a year of boarding school and attempts to recapture her place in the social hierarchy of the Upper East Side. But Blair is having none of that, because while Serena gets everything handed to her on a fucking platter and breezes through life without consequence, Blair actually has to work for what she gets. (It's mostly due to the fact that she is a professional bitch and the plebeians don't get it, so she has to try extra hard.) With Serena out of the picture, Blair was allowed to shine like the flourishing bitch that she is.

This leads us to another reason why Blair is the perfect bitch. She has the art of frenemyship down to a tee. I can't count the number of times she and Serena have had a falling out, but their incessant arguing has always been a strong point in the series. Since Season 2 onwards, Blair has supplanted Serena as the lead character of the series. And rightfully so! Watching Serena's scenes is like waiting for the whiteout on your paper to dry. (Remember whiteout? Such a flop.) Unlike S, Blair has real problems, like the fact that she's bulimic, her mother hates her, and her father left them for a male model.

Think like a bitch, talk like a bitch.
Walk like a bitch.

My next point brings us to Blair's fabulous lifestyle. While her relationship with Chuck Bass is arguably the heart of the show, Blair is the only girl in the cast to have dated all three leading male characters; the Blair/Nate/Serena and Dan/Blair/Chuck love triangles have been the source of some of the show's best storylines. But between all those Park Avenue princes, Blair also managed to date a royal or two. In fact, she was briefly the Princess of Monaco. What else can you expect from a girl who actively attempts to live like Grace Kelly and has dreams of living in Audrey Hepburn movies? Unfortunately, she doesn't retain her royal title for long. She (or, rather Chuck) pays a hefty fortune to get out of her two-month marriage to Prince Louis. But she gets a hell of a lot of media attention for doing so! #TotalKardashianMove

Blair has had countless feuds over the years and has banished her enemy from Manhattan on more than one occassion. And they actually listen! (You don't see Taylor Momsen running around, do you?) Only a true bitch could get away from taking full ownership of one of the most populated cities in America. To further illustrate Blair's incomparable bitchiness, here are a few fun quotes:

• "I'm not a stop along the way. I'm a destination."
• "Haven't you heard? I'm the crazy bitch around here."
• "Funny, Brown doesn't offer a degree in slut."
• "You know, I always knew you were a whore. But I never thought you were a liar."
• "Signs are for the religious, the superstitous, and the lower class."

Like the show itself, Blair has fallen by the wayside. She has become weak and a tad bit whiny. However, there's no arguing that she embodies everything a bitch should be. Well done, B. Gossip Girl herself would be proud!