This or That: Selena Gomez vs. Demi Lovato

Only one will be laughing in the end.

For about two solid years, Selena Gomez and Demi Lovato were the reigning teen queens of Disney Channel. Miley Cyrus was already making deals with the devil, so the position of Alpha Bitch at the Mouse House was wide open. For a while Semi, biffles since they met on the set of Barney & Friends, shared the title. But as time went on and the girls grew apart, it was clear, perhaps only to me, that there could only be one victor. Who will it be? Let's find out with Tommy Time's This or That.

Acting careers
I've already established that both Demi and Selena got their starts as toddlers on Barney & Friends, which I've never seen, but I imagine to be the poor man's Mickey Mouse Club. It took a while for either to achieve their Disney-level fame. Selena's turn came first in 2007. After guest starring in a few of the channel's most popular shows and landing roles in a couple of pilots that ultimately weren't picked up, Selena landed her breakout role in Wizards of Waverly Place. The popularity of the show led to a steady line of work for Selena and eventually a few starring roles in feature films. While some of these films are the devil's pornography, there's no denying Selena is successful. Additionally, while pigs will fly in the frozen tundra that is Hell before she gets an Academy Award, Selena is considerably more talented than most of her Disney peers.

Demi, on the other hand, would be nothing without Selena. Did you know that after Selena found herself in Disney executives' good favor, she asked them to consider hiring Demi? Yup, that's right. I imagine the first thing the big boss told Demi was to fix the gap between her two front teeth. In the meantime, they stuck her on that shitty two-minute long show As the Bell Rings. Luckily for Demi, however, she soon found herself in the lead roles of the TV musical movie Camp Rock and her very own show Sonny With a Chance. Although she would go on to star in Camp Rock 2 and Princess Protection Program (alongside Selena), Demi's acting career would never see the light of day outside the Mouse House. And that's probably a good thing, because she fucking sucked. This round goes to Selena!

Music careers
In accordance with Disney law, Demi and Selena launched recording careers. Demi is clearly the more talented vocalist and is a favorite among critics, who compare her to Kelly Clarkson and Christina Aguilera like there's no tomorrow. However, Selena is the more successful artist. She has sold almost over one million more albums than Demi and has enjoyed mainstream radio airplay since her second single, "Naturally", in 2010; it wasn't until 2012's "Give Your Heart a Break" that Demi finally broke the barrier from Radio Disney and entered the real world. So one has the talent, the other has the success. This round is a draw!

Personal lives
I've already assessed Demi Lovato's personal life once before, but allow me to recap. Bitch dated Joe Jonas, went fucking cray on cocaine, punched her back-up dancer, and went to rehab for an eating disorder, suicidal tendencies, and other such issues. She's currently rumored to be engaging in an on/off relationship with That 70's Show star Wilmer Valderrama, who may be a catch, but he's 13 years her senior. Gross!

Selena's personal life is drug-free, as far as we know. However, she gets major fines for being best friends with Taylor Swift, as well as for her dating history, which includes Nick Jonas, Taylor Lautner, and of course, Justin Bieber. I've lost a lot of respect for Selena in these past two years. This round is a draw, and not in a good way.

The Feud: Who was right and who was wrong?
It's no secret that Demi and Selena are no longer the best friends they used to be. Rumor has it that when Demi was circling the drain, Selena did her best to reach out but eventually gave up. As Selena grew closer to Taylor Swift, Demi grew closer to Miley, who had publicly made fun of Demi's gap-toothed smile only a year prior. Demi was so fucking pressed about Saylor's friendship that when a fan asked her how Selena was, she passive aggressively replied, "Ask Taylor." According to Demi, she and Selena hadn't spoken "in a while" until S reached out to her when she went to rehab. So Selena is obviously the better friend. This round goes to Selena.

Lightning round!

• Demi's first album was written and produced almost exclusively by the Jonas Brothers. Only a fool would put their musical debut in the hands of a mediocre-at-best boy band. Point for Selena!
• Selena was so insistent on not being a solo artist that she and Disney came up with a compromise: she could have a band so long as it was named after her. Thus, Selena Gomez & The Scene was born. However, as Selena transitioned from pop-rock to dance music, her band members became nothing but stage props. Now, for her fourth album, Selena will be completely Scene-less. All that arguing with the label for nothing. Point for Demi!
• Selena talks about how much she looks up to Britney Spears, but only Demi got to work with her on The X Factor. Point for Demi!
• Demi recorded "Skyscraper", a horrific song about her struggles that she had no hand in writing. Point for Selena!

Well, it would appear that the points are weighted very much in Selena's favor. Can you really say you're surprised? Demi might have the voice, but Selena has pretty much everything else. Congratulations, Selena! I love you like a love song.