Jam of the Week: "Hurricane" by Bridgit Mendler

With Miley, Demi, and Selena all fighting to be alpha bitch of Disney, it's easy to forget about the little people, like Good Luck Charlie's Bridigt Mendler. And that's a shame, because the girl is just as talented as her colleagues and probably the most unique in terms of music style.

I give you Exhibit A: "Hurricane", her latest single. It mixes pop, jazz, and hip-hop... And it works. Don't believe me? Listen for yourself!

Jam of the Week: "TKO" by Justin Timberlake

Everybody should still be listening to "Work Bitch" on repeat, tbh...

But in the spirit of keeping Jam of the Week alive, I'll honor "TKO" by Justin Timberlake. (I know, I know. Following Britney with Justin? Das tacky. But what can you do? A jam is a jam.)

The second single off of The 20/20 Experience - Part 2 of 2, which is just around the corner, "TKO" combines the fresh funk of new Justin with the pure pop bliss of vintage JT. So that's a fucking win.

And for those of you who aren't boxing fans, like me, a TKO is a "technical knock-out." So that might change your perception of the song. Enjoy!

20 Things You Didn't Know About Gossip Girl

xoxo.

1. The Gossip Girl book series was originally going to be adapted into a movie starring Lindsay Lohan, but it never materialized, which is when Stephanie Savage and Josh Schwartz took over the project and developed it for television. Schwartz, who had just come off of The OC, was skeptical about making another teen drama, but he was attracted to telling the stories of Upper East Side teens, who he deemed were "worldlier" than those in Orange County.
2. Blake Lively and Penn Badgley were home schooled together as children. Their on-screen romance as Serena and Dan led to an a real-life relationship, which ended while their characters were still involved. #awkward
3. Leighton Meester, a natural blonde, was not allowed to audition for Blair until she dyed her hair brown.
4. Ed Westwick originally read for the role of Nate Archibald, but was flawlessly cast as Chuck Bass instead. Chace Crawford was then cast as Nate. The CW was against hiring Ed at all, insisting that he looked more like a serial killer than a romantic lead.
5. Kristen Bell didn't audition to voice Gossip Girl. Instead, she simply called the producers and told them she wanted the part. And nobody says no to Veronica Mars.
6. Penn openly admits to having originally turned down the role of Dan Humphrey before eventually accepting it. He also didn't like to memorize his lines, which must have made him a joy to work with.
7. Despite being one of the CW's most successful shows ever, Gossip Girl initially pulled in disappointing numbers. However, it was the first show to point out the changing landscape of television, as it almost doubled its ratings with DVR viewings and it routinely topped the iTunes episode charts.
8. The show filmed in Paris on several occasions. The CW initially warned against this, as the show wasn't popular in Europe and was in danger of being taken off the airwaves.
9. Blake and Leighton had a notoriously bad relationship, taking their onscreen frenemyship to the real world! Not surprisingly, the reports stem from the series' very obvious shift in focus from Blake's Serena to Leighton's Blair. #ShannenAndJennyProblems
10. The Parent Television Council, which specializes in ruining everyone's fun, often targeted Gossip Girl, especially during its first season. So what did the show do in response? It took quotes from the PTC's criticisms, like "Mind-blowingly inappropriate" and "Every parent's nightmare," and used them in the second season's promotional campaign.
11. It was heavily reported that Taylor Momsen would be given her own spin-off, as her character Jenny Humphrey fronted The It Girl novel series. But really, the exact opposite happened. The CW didn't pick up the spin-off, and Taylor only appeared in a handful of episodes during the show's fourth season before leaving altogether to focus on her music career.
12. The second season, "Valley Girls", which focused on Lily van der Woodsen's teenage exploits in 1980s California, was a backdoor pilot for a potential spin-off that was never picked up. The episode starred Brittany Snow as the teenaged version of the character, and the spin-off would have featured younger characters of characters from The OC, officially linking Schwartz's two shows.
13. Cecily von Ziegesar, the author of the novelist, criticized Vanessa as "the one character [the show] ruined." While the novel depicts her as bald and wearing all black, the show portrayed her as an annoying, self-righteous hipster.
14. Connor Paolo, who played Eric van der Woodsen, repeatedly rejected producers' offers to become a series regular for personal reasons. He appeared as a recurring guest star for the first four seasons before leaving the show to star in Revenge.
15. Mischa Barton was originally offered the role of Georgina, whose last name was changed to Sparks from Spark in the novels. Michelle Trachtenberg was cast in the role and would become a critics' favorite. Aside from the main cast, she is the only character to appear in all the season finales.
16. January 26, 2012 in Gossip Girl Day in New York. No, this is not a joke. Mayor Bloomberg visited the set and proclaimed the date as such, commending the cast and crew for glamorizing showcasing the city so well.
17. Kaycee DeFer originally auditioned for Raina Thorpe before she was cast as the UES's resident cunt, Ivy Dickens.
18. William Balding, who played William van der Woodsen, avoided meeting Blake in person until they filmed their first scene, so that they could better depict their characters' estranged father-daughter relationship.
19. In the books, Eric is Serena's older womanizing brother who rarely appears. In the show, he's introduced as Serena's younger suicidal brother. Toward the end of the first season, Georgina accidentally outs him as being gay.
20. The writers never planned to reveal Gossip Girl's identity, which may be why the series finale's revelation of Dan as the anonymous blogger is completely implausible. (Look it up on Tumblr. Hardcore fans have a million and one reasons why it's just not possible.) In fact, when pilot test audiences suspected that Dan was Gossip Girl, the episode was re-edited, not because producers wanted to protect the secret, but because they never intended for Dan to be GG in the first place! Penn himself was not informed about his character's alter ego until the night before he film the scene. (Side note: Georgina and Serena each have their turn as Gossip Girl during the fifth season.)

Cunt of the Week: Gabriella Montez

Always feeling sorry for herself.

She may be played by a Bitch of the Week, but Gabriella Montez is nothing short of a cunt. Naturally, those of us who were fans of the High School Musical trilogy were #TeamSharpay, and if you weren't, you're wrong. Why is that? Well, let's assess the situation, shall we?

In the first film, Gabriella brings a fucking book to a New Year's Eve party. She just really likes to read, you guys. Because she's losing herself in Pride & Prejudice or some shit, she's caught off guard when she's involuntarily hoisted on stage to sing a duet with a pre-dental surgery Zac Efron aka Troy Bolton. Of course she falls madly in love, cyber stalks him, finds out he lives in Albuquerque, and forces her mother to move there.

Troy, the hotshot at East High, is naturally uncomfortable hanging out with a self-professed "freaky genius girl," but Gabriella has no shame. She practically holds a gun to his head, coercing him to audition for the winter musicale with her. This doesn't sit well with resident theater bitch Sharpay and her incestuous and/or gay twin Ryan. A rivalry is born, and it's a rivalry that Gabriella, in all her cunt ways, wins.

Gabriella and Troy securing the lead roles in the musical vastly alters the social scene at East High. And Miss Montez doesn't care that she basically turned a whole fucking school on its head, because...

She pulls the same shit in the second movie! Gabriella, Troy, and their whole goddamn class start working at Sharpay's family's country club. G says she didn't know that the Evans family owned the place, but I have a hard time believing Sharpay didn't strut through the hallways dropping comments like "you'll never be country club material; I'd know because I own one" on the daily.

Gabriella and her shitty Shirley Temple haircut fuck up the social order at the country club too. Rather than letting Sharpay and Ryan rightfully claim the prize at the Midsummer Night Talent Show (#nepotism), she rallies together the whole service crew to put on a show. I'm sorry, but is this bitch the fucking Malcolm X for the Lava Springs staff or something? She can take a fucking SEAT.

As Gabriella becomes a senior in the third film, her cunting only gets worse. Even though she gets into Stanford EARLY (like they want her to start taking classes before she graduates high school, since that actually happens and all...), she considers going to community classes.

Everybody gives their two cents on the matter, but Gabriella decides she's still not as much in the center of attention as she would like to be, so she runs away to Stanford. Then when she realizes nobody gives a shit that she's gone, she comes back unannounced to star in the fucking musical, stealing the spotlight from Sharpay for the third time!

So unfortunately, Gabriella doesn't get what she deserves. The only downside for her is that Troy doesn't go to the same college as her. Meanwhile, what does Sharpay get? An assistant job at the high school and a shitty spin-off sequel.

Let's consider this a sobering life lesson, ladies and gentlemen. Life is short, and often unfair. So let us not spend it letting cunts like Gabriella get what they want. Down with them all!

Jam of the Week: "Work Bitch" by Britney Spears

As if you couldn't have guessed...

Go Call the Po-Lice! Go Call the Guv-uh-nah! BRITNEY IS BACK TO WORK, BITCH!!!

Lady Gaga, the applause is over. Miley, it's time to stop. And "Roar"? More like "whimper." All the kiddies need to take a seat because the Queen has returned!!!

Britney Spears has finally blessed us with "Work Bitch", the first single off of her upcoming eighth album. And let me tell you, it's magical. She is back in full force, British accent and all, and this time, she's kicking ass and taking names.

The song itself is sort of a spiritual successor to "Scream & Shout", but it's lightyears better than that because it doesn't have will.i.am #sorryboutit.

"You want a hot body? You want a Bugatti? You want a Maserati? You better work, bitch!" she teases as she spills truth tea and floods the lives of pop tarts like Lady Gag-me and Katy Perry. That's right, the song serves as a remind that in a time when any Tom, Dick, and Harry Christina, Selena, and Rihanna thinks they have what it takes to rule the pop charts, there's only Britney, and you'll have to work if you ever wanna get like her.

Flawless. Iconic. Legendary.

Sorry you can't relate...

Coming for you!

Bitch of the Week: Heather Chandler

Preach!!!

If you haven't seen Heathers, you should stop reading right now because you're embarrassing and you need to watch the film asap! It's like Mean Girls but a lot darker and 80s. If you have seen the movie, you know it's about a group of choice bitches who all have the name Heather. There's Heather McNamara, a cheerleader who is dumb as all hell; Heather Duke, a bulimic played by a pre-90210 Shannen Doherty; and of course, Heather Chandler, the alpha bitch. (We know she's the queen bee because she has a red scrunchie.)

Heather is the ideal bitch. She's blonde, popular, and doesn't give compliments to anyone. She's also refreshingly aware of her status as a fucking legend amongst her peers: "They all want me as a friend or a fuck. I'm worshiped at Westerburg and I'm only a junior!" It's only natural that the other Heathers would want to ride on her coattails.

Oh yeah. There's also fucking Veronica, who you know is going to be a major cunt from the start because she doesn't have the right name and is played by Winona Ryder. Out of the goodness of her heart, Head Hancho Heather lets V into the group. "You wanted to be a member of the most powerful clique in school," she reminds her. "If I wasn't already the head of it, I'd want the same thing."

But that doesn't mean Veronica is spared from Heather's chic bitchery and commitment to honesty. None of her friends are! "Did you have a brain tumor for breakfast?" she asks a Heather after she requested to be red during a game of croquet. That's right, bitch plays croquet because that is some classy shit. "Grow up, Heather. Bulimia is so '87," she chastises the other Heather who's about to have a finger for dessert.

When Heather isn't busy giving her friends complexes or forging sex notes to mock the socially undesirable, she's attending college parties. In a lapse of judgment, she brings Veronica to one such party #evenbitchesmakemistakes. Naturally, Veronica is so embarrassing because she refuses to hook up with a guy and then throws up. Heather does not let this humiliation go unscathed:

You stupid fuck! I brought you to a Remington party and what's my thanks? It's on a hallway carpet. I got paid in puke. You were nothing before you met me. You were playing Barbies with Betty Finn. You were a Bluebird. You were a Brownie. You were a Girl Scout cookie.

But being so flawless doesn't go unpunished. For every true bitch, there's 100 pressed haters just waiting to watch her fall. So when Veronica befriends a trigger-happy loner named JD, they decide that Heather needs to die. And not in a John Tucker Must Die kind of way. Like actually die. They poison her with drain cleaner and she dies in an apparent suicide, taking out a fabulous glass coffee table with her.

RIP.

And that's all in the first 20 minutes! It takes a true bitch to make such an impact in only the first act of a movie. So well done, Heather! You'll always be the only Heather in my heart, even if Heather Duke tried to wear red after you died.

Cunt of the Week: Kris Humphries

Duh.

His ex-wife of 72 days may have just been crowned Bitch of the Week, but Kris Humphries' marital connections can't save him from his own cuntitude. So it's only appropriate that the Neanderthal is inducted as the Cunt of the Week.

We all remember the tragic split of Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush. Reggie was, like, the one. How could it end so abruptly? Maybe they fell out of love. Or maybe a relationship just didn't fit in with Kim's storyline for the season. No matter the reason, the relationship ended, and Kim followed it with brief romances with people like other athletes and her Australian bodyguard.

Meanwhile, Kris, or the Hump as Khloé called him, was playing basketball. (Does it matter for what team?) And in 2010, when he wasn't dragging his knuckles on the court, he was romancing the first lady of reality television. And then in 2011, Kris and Kim married. It was a lavish $10 million affair that was covered by a four-hour wedding special on E! (Keep that in mind as we move forward.)

From then on, Kris was featured heavily on the Kardashian's shows. Well, he was really only on Kourtney & Kim Take New York, because Kim filed for divorce almost immediately after filming, just 72 days after their wedding. But in that time, we saw his true colors:

• In the first episode, Kris leaves New York for Minnesota, because he's already overwhelmed by married life. True, that life included Kourtney, Scott, Mason, and an entire television career. But seriously, up and moving to a different state?
• In the fourth episode, Kris forces Scott to throw a boozy, female-filled party while Kim and Kourtney are out of town. And then he forces Scott to take the blame. Tsk tsk.
• In episode five, Kris pressures Kim's totally gay BFF to come out of the closet.
• In the sixth episode, Kris sneaks off to Toronto for a party while Kim is out of town.
• In the seventh episode, Khloé and Kourtney play pranks on Kris, and he gets incredibly pissed. Where's your sense of humor, sir?

True, the Kardashians basically kontrol the editing of their shows, so it's totally possible that Kim was made to look more sympathetic and Kris was villainized. But there's only so many ways you can manipulate the footage. You can't fabricate Kris' bad behavior, poor attitude, and disregard for his marriage. In his defense, he has tried to defend himself:

Chirp, chirp.

In actuality, Kris has since alleged that the entire marriage was a scam, a calculated plan to promote the Kardashian family brand. When Kim filed for divorce, he petitioned to reject her request, and instead insisted on an annulment on the grounds of fraud. He claimed that much of the show was fake in what became a very lengthy and very public trial.

I've already detailed my thoughts on some of Kris' allegations, but allow me to reiterate that nobody can make Kris look bad without his help. Not to mention, at any point during the television $10 million dollar wedding, didn't Kris come to the conclusion that it was all a hoax? Or did it really take him two months? Of course not. His claims were just his petty revenge against a woman who didn't want to stay married to him. And what's more, when Kim was pregnant, he still insisted on dragging her through the trial.

Well, it's clear who came out on top. Kim is still the reality queen and now has her own family. And Kris, well... Let's just say he should be thankful his marriage to Kim never got to the point where they would try for children. Given that he's several steps below the rest of us on the evolutionary ladder, it wouldn't have worked out.

Jam of the Week: "Rock N Roll" by Avril Lavigne

A lot of people have given up on Avril Lavigne over the years. Sometime between "Sk8r Boi" and "Girlfriend", fans just jumped ship. But given that Avril hasn't really grown much as a musician ("Here's to Never Growing Up" has so many layers...), I would argue that these fans just outgrew her and that she hasn't actively done anything to repel (or keep) them.

I've never been Avril's #1 supporter because I generally don't support women who wear ties and tutus, but I can appreciate a good jam as much as the next person. Her latest effort off her upcoming self-titled album, "Rock N Roll" is a true smash. It's all about not needing anything but love, and saying "fuck you" to anyone who gets in your way.

So join Avril and put that middle finger in the air, and let 'em know we're still rock n roll. (Rock n rooooollllllllll!)

Things Tommy Loves and Hates #8

Choice reading.

Thing I Love #8: Limited Edition Magazines

There's nothing more satisfying than when your favorite supermarket tabloid offers a limited edition issue, usually devoted to a film, TV show, or celebrity, to titillate your inner fan boy/girl. They're usually full of fluffy interviews and fun pictures; rarely do they offer new insight, but it's still super fun.

This summer alone I picked up Us Weekly's special issues devoted to Pretty Little Liars and One Direction, but my love for these rare treats came in 2007 when People released its High School Musical 2 special.

Thing I Hate #8: Greek Life

Sorry, but I'm not at all sorry! I fucking hate Greek life and everything it stands for. When I first came to college, I had no problem with it whatsoever, but I knew it wasn't for me. But as I grew to realize how monstrous it is, I've become completely intolerant of it.

That said, I only take issue with the institution, not the people in it. That said, some of the worst people I have ever had the displeasure of meeting are in Greek life. THAT said, some of my dearest friends are in Greek life. It's a mixed bag for sure. But as a whole, the bag fucking sucks.

Miley Cyrus May Be Nauseating as All Hell, But She'll Never Lose Her Bitch Status

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Bitch of the Week: Anderson Cooper

We should all be as lucky as that sloth.

The news can be boring as all fuck. However, give me a news anchor who's equal parts attractive and sassy, and I'm set. That recipe manifests itself in Anderson Cooper, this week's silver fox BoW. As the host of CNN's Anderson Cooper 360, the Coop reports important world news. But most importantly, he looks good doing it. In the daytime, he shows off his less serious side on his talk show, Anderson Live. And he looks good doing that, too.

To understand what makes Anderson such a good bitch, we must look at his past. Firstly, he's a Vanderbilt, which means he has money honey. Secondly, he was a child model, which means he was always beautiful. Thirdly, he's gay, and it's nice to have people like him on the team to balance out Boy George. (Anderson is so gay he provided a voice over narration for the Broadway show How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying.)

Since coming out of the closet last year, Anderson has been considerably more fun and therefore a better bitch. He frequently teams up with the likes of Kathy Griffin and Kelly Ripa for barrels of laughs, talks about his love for The Real Housewives of Atlanta, and calls out celebrities and other public figures on their bullshit during the Ridicu-list. Most deliciously, he's been linked to fellow bitch Andy Cohen, mostly because of the Instagrams below.

Hmm...

What a power couple they would make! Unfortunately, it doesn't seem like they're actually together. By we can dream, can't we?

There's honestly no part about Anderson that isn't perfectly bitchy. Even his name is the pinnacle of bitchery!

Throwback Thursday: Tommy Picks the Best of Britney, Part 3

Watch your finger, boy. You might get burned.

While I we eagerly await the commencement of Britney's new musical era, I'll continue to celebrate the Queen of Pop and all her glory. And what better way than to throw it back to her previous feats? You may recall that I previously selected her top ten singles, and then her top ten non-single songs. What more could I do, you ask?

Well, you're forgetting about the bonus tracks! Whether it's a deluxe edition or an international release, all of Britney's albums have additional songs that don't make the standard cut. It's criminal, really, because a lot of these songs are better than her biggest hits but go unnoticed by the masses. And this list will hopefully remedy that!

10. "Get Back"
"Catch me if you can, don't move too slow," Britney teases flawlessly as she slays your entire life. Continuing the amazingness that is Blackout, "Get Back" was only available on the Japanese edition of the album, and damn are they lucky, because this is a true smash. It's all about inviting a guy to the dance floor, but warning him that if he can't take the heat, he needa step the fuck off.

9. "Don't Hang Up"
One of several Britney songs about phone sex (yes, there are multiple), "Don't Hang Up" seems out of place on In the Zone upon first listen. It sounds sweet, like something Brit would've sang back in her pigtail days; it's not as overtly sexual as, say, "Breath On Me". But with lyrics like, "Pillow is all I have to hold... Without you, I still wanna take you there" and "Don't hang up 'til I'm finished with you," it's clear this international bonus track is naughtier than it lets on.

8. "Quicksand"
It almost sickens me to include this song on the list, as it was written by Lady Gaga. But "Quicksand" is a rare occasion when a post-breakdown Britney sings about emotion rather than sex. In the song, Britney vows to hold on to her significant other, even thought they're "sinking like quicksand." Holler to European iTunes users who were blessed with this song on their Circus downloads.

7. "Before the Goodbye"
Have you ever heard of a dance ballad? Me either, until Selena Gomez's "A Year Without Rain" was described as such. A dance ballad is exactly what it sounds like, and "Before the Goodbye", off of the Spain release of Britney, is the perfect example. Lyrically, the song is about an emotionally absent lover. Ignore the words and you have a fun dance beat perfect for the clubs!

6. "Selfish"
The deluxe edition of Femme Fatale was literally the best thing to happen to humanity in 2011. A jam-packed album extended by four new tracks? Fucking holler. On "Selfish", Britney makes her lover her bitch because tonight is all about her. "Boom boom, baby, pick you up in my Mercedes," she sings iconically and everybody who owns a Mercedes shits themselves with excitement.

5. "Walk On By"
Remember when Britney was still innocent enough to sing about angels? "Walk On By", taken from the UK special edition of Oops!... I Did It Again, is a little over the top, as Britney says her boy toy's face reminds her "of a higher place" and "angels cry" every time he walks on by, but just TRY to listen to this and not say, "Aww! Baby Britney!"

4. "Autumn Goodbye"
Anyone who says Britney can't sing needs to listen to songs like "Autumn Goodbye" and get a fucking reality check. True, Britney rarely pushes her vocal limits these days, but girlfriend was only 15 when she recorded this song, and that kind of talent never goes away. The ...Baby One More Time Japanese bonus track is all about the end of summer love, and it's definitely a highlight in Britney's career in my opinion.

3. "I Run Away"
This lists seems to suggest that Britney delegates heartbreak to foreign releases, and the trend continues with "I Run Away", an exclusive track from the Spain release of Britney. It's another dance ballad, but this time Britney sings about a lover who suddenly leaves her. "Let's pretend that I moved on/And I'll tell myself that life goes on without you," she cries. Whoever would break up with Britney is a fucking idiot.

2. "Amnesia"
Fans in the UK were treated to this Circus treat. "Amnesia" tells the story about a girl getting tongue-tied in the midst of a major hottie, and totally forgetting she's already taken. But she likes the new guy better, so she's just gonna tell her man "he should just effin' go." #PREACH Britney deserves nothing but the best.

1. "He About to Lose Me"
This Femme Fatale deluxe edition track continues the vague theme of adultery. Not only is "He About to Lose Me" one of my favorite songs on the album, but it's one of my favorite Britney songs period. It's all about flirting with the temptation to cheat on a withdrawn boyfriend. In this version, Britney chooses to remain faithful. #OnThatFidelityGrind

BAM! What a flawless list, tbqfh. I hope this list implores you to explore your favorite artist's catalog. You'd be amazed what songs are out there that you probably don't know about, and you might discover a new life jam.

But Britney > your fave. Sorry.

Cunt of the Week: Ella Montgomery

"I'm a pretty little liar, too!"

To all Pretty Little Liars fans, there are three incredibly important questions: (1) Who is A?; (2) Who murdered Ali, if she is in fact dead?; and (3) Why is Ella Montgomery such a fucking cunt? I'll attempt to break it down for everyone so we can all get on the same page and collectively pray that the next corpse that Rosewood PD finds is wearing a pantsuit.

The writers of PLL get some sort of sick joy out of writing characters off for extended periods of time (like Jenna and her 20-episode eye surgery) or just pretending like they're there when they aren't (like the mysterious case of Mike in Season 3). As such, the parents of the lying quartet appear sporadically, but only Aria's mother Ella manages to do it so fucking obnoxiously.

When the show starts, the Montgomery clan returns to Rosewood after a year in Iceland. Why they were in Iceland of all places is anybody's guess. I bet it was Ella's decision, so no wonder it was complete shit, like everything else she does. At first, she's just the harmless mom with her black pantsuits and long hair that she never bothers to style or cut in any flattering way. But when she learns that hubby Byron had an affair, she up and leaves. "Screw the kids!" is essentially her mindset.

While she's gone, everything turns to shit. Byron starts hitting on Hanna's mom, who is so far out of his league they're playing completely different sports. And their son Mike is being moody as all hell and breaking into people's homes for fun. And Aria is playing junior detective with her rag tag group of friends whilst fucking her English teacher. Does Ella care? Nope. Not as long as she continue perverting the youth of Rosewood. That's right. She's a teacher. At Aria's high school. More on that later.

#MomOfTheYear

Eventually Ella and Byron patch things up and everyone's happy. Except Mike, because he's still being a pissy little fucker. I totally thought he was gonna come out as a card-carrying Friend of Dorothy, but it turns out he's just temperamental. (Probably for the best. I'm not sure we could handle both him and Emily flying out of the closet at the same time.) Ella decides it's time to actually do her fucking job and confront Mike. When she does, he pushes her out his way. "Don't tell your father," she begs Aria. Don't tell your father? Yeah, that's a good idea, Ella. Your son is a fucking psycho and your entire family is still fragile since you moved your sorry selfish ass out of the house, but yeah, let's start keeping secrets from one another!

I wish Mike pushed her harder.

Next thing we know, Ella and Byron are divorced. I don't even remember why. Who fucking cares? Too much shit goes on in this show. So they're divorced and then Ella starts online dating under the screen name "Hot Momma." After everyone tossed their tacos at the insinuation that Ella is hot, she starts dating the much younger owner of the local coffee shop. But as always, she keeps the relationship on the DL because she wants to protect her children...

That's why she has a date with Coffee House Dude while on her lunch break. At her place of work. The high school. ARIA'S high school. DURING SCHOOL HOURS. Yup, she just has a fucking picnic with this coffee-grinding sack of shit in her classroom. And this is after she hangs up possible outfits for the date in her classroom, where, you know, students are coming in and out and probably don't wanna take a fucking vote on what she's gonna wear. (I'm almost certain she goes with the pantsuit.) As you can imagine, Aria walks in on their date and they are SO EMBARRASSED AND ASHAMED.

So then Ella gets attacked by some bees. I forget why, but it was part of A's plans. And then she moves to Europe with Coffee House Dude because she loves to abandon her family.

This is what she tells herself every time she moves out of the house.

So whether you're a fan of the show or not, you have to agree that Ella is a major cunt. She's a secret-keeping, home wrecking, self-centered cougar without an ounce of fashion sense. Here's hoping that she never comes back from Europe. Or better, that Ezra, Mona, Jenna, Melissa, or any other alleged member of the A team slits Ella's fucking throat.

"Yeah, all the students want me."

20 Things You Didn't Know About Scooby Doo

Zoinks!

1.  In 1968, parent watchdog groups like Action for Children's Television, condemned Saturday morning cartoons for being too violent. By the following year, the backlash had led to the cancellation of nearly all these shows, forcing Hanna-Barbera and other studios to scramble to develop new shows, many of which were based on Archie comics.
2. Originally, the series was to focus on five bongo-playing teenagers and a sheep dog named Too Much. When the gang wasn't busy playing gigs as Mysteries Five, they would actually be out solving mysteries. After several major overhauls were made to the premise (most notably reducing the number of teens to four, changing the sheep dog to a great dane, and oh yeah, getting rid of the fucking bongos), the series began resembling the Scooby Doo, Where Are You! that we all know and love.
3. The characters were originally named Geoff (then Ronnie, finally Fred), Kelly (Daphne), Linda (Velma), W.W. (Shaggy), and Too Much (Scooby). That's Too Much grossness for me to handle. Glad they changed 'em!
4. Scooby Doo's name was inspired by Frank Sinatra's scat "doo-be-doo-be-doo" at the end of his song "Strangers in the Night".
5. Since its debut in 1969, 11 different series have been produced. The original and most iconic one, Scooby Doo, Where Are You!, only ran for 25 episodes.
6. Frank Welker has provided the voice of Fred since the show's debut in 1969, though he was briefly replaced by Carl Steven for A Pup Named Scooby Doo. In total, 5 actors have voiced Shaggy, 5 have voiced Daphne, 7 have voiced Velma, and 4 have voiced Scooby. These don't count the portrayals in the live action films.
7. The original Scooby Doo theme song was written at the last minute... literally. It just barely made it into the first episode.
8. Radio star Casey Kasem was originally uncomfortable voicing Shaggy, as he had never before played a hippie character. He originally wanted to play Fred. Casey left the role in 1995 after being asked to perform it for a Burger King commercial, despite that fact that he is vegetarian. He returned in 2002 and continued voicing Shaggy until 2009.
9. Fred originally had brown hair but was made blonde for diversity amongst the characters.
10. The gag in which Velma loses her glasses and exclaims, "My glasses, I can't see without them!" was inspired by original voice actress Nicole Jaffe, who lost her glasses during a table read an uttered something similar.
11. Beginning in 1972, The New Scooby Doo Movies (aka not actually movies but hour-long episodes) began pairing the gang with weekly guest stars, some were real (Don Knotts, Phyllis Diller, etc.) and some were fictional (Batman & Robin, the Addams Family, etc.).
12. Longstanding rumors of Fred and Daphne's relationship were never dealt with canonically until the new millennium, and even then, the characters do not officially start dating until 2010's Scooby Doo! Mystery, Incorporated. The rumors originated from Fred and Daphne's frequent absences while the gang would split up to solve mysteries. Fans thought they were getting it on, but the writers have since claimed that they found the two characters so boring, they purposely wrote them off so they wouldn't have to deal with them.
13. In the 1980, the franchise was revamped to focus on the fuckery Scooby, Shaggy, and (unfortunately) Scrappy got themselves into. Daphne was added back into the gang by 1983, with a new feminist attitude to boot, but Fred and Velma didn't return permanently until 1988.
14. Scrappy's introduction into the series was an attempt to boost ratings, but he has since become the bane of every Scooby fan's existence. It's a lesson Hollywood will never learn. Bringing on cute kids (or kid-like characters) will not boost ratings. #CousinOliverSyndrome
15. A Pup Named Scooby Doo is part of a 1980s television trend called "babyfictation," in which shows would focus on younger versions of popular cartoon characters. The Flintstones and Looney Toons are among the other franchises that received the same treatment.
16. Velma is heavily rumored to be gay, and the 2002 live action film originally included scenes hinting at her homosexuality, but they were removed to retain a PG rating. In fact, the entire film was originally supposed to be darker and more marijuana references you could count, but it was changed drastically after casting was completed.
17. Though the various incarnations of the series change certain aspects, Scooby Doo! Mystery, Incoportated (2010-2013) probably changed the most. It switched the gang's hometown from Coolsville to Crystal Cove, heavily featured their families, and had overarching storylines that extended to both the mysteries and the personal relationships between the characters.
18. Hot off the presses! Warner Bros. is planning a theatrical animated Scooby movie, although no details have been announced.
19. A heavily circulated rumor stated that the five members of Mystery, Inc. were based on the five colleges of the Five College Consortium in Massachusetts, but the original writers insist the characters were based on their counterparts in the radio program I Love a Mystery and the sitcom The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis.
20. On Buffy, the Vampire Slayer, Buffy is part of a group of teenagers known as "the Scooby Gang" that fights supernatural creatures. Sarah Michelle Gellar played Buffy in the show and also portrayed Daphne in the two theatrical live action films.

Jam of the Week: "Heart by Heart" by Demi Lovato

Fresh off the soundtrack to that shitty monster-hunting film The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones, "Heart by Heart" is the next single in Demi's line of cardiology-themed songs (after "Give Your Heart a Break" and "Heart Attack", of course).

And since musically Demi can't really do any wrong, it's no surprise that this song is a smash. It's all about finding your soul mate and knowing somebody's "heart by heart." Yeah, it doesn't make much sense. But we love her anyway!