Things Tommy Loves and Hates #10

I'd put a picture of the actual Bonnie & Clyde, but they frighten me.

Thing I Love #10: Bonnie & Clyde-Themed Songs

Bonnie and Clyde may have been terrible people (and awful bank robbers, as it turns out), but there's no denying that their legacy is purely fascinating. Countless fictional portrayals aside, I love when songs reference the dynamic duo. We all know Jay-Z and Beyoncé's "03 Bonnie & Clyde", but what about more subtle allusions, like Britney's "Criminal"? Mama, I'm in love with a criminal...

Thing I Hate #10: Loud Eaters

I'm sorry, are you chewing gum or firing a machine gun? Is that a cookie you're eating or a block of fucking cement? Ladies and gentlemen, close your damn mouths and minimize the amount I have to hear you satiate your appetite, because it really makes me lose mine.  

Bitch of the Week: Kitty Wilde

Full time diva.

The third season finale of Glee was a sad one, indeed. The show was barely on solid ground and it was about to go through a major rehaul that could make or break it. Half the New Directions graduated and departed for parts unknown. Finn forced Rachel to leave him behind and follow her dreams to New York while he enlisted in the army; she obliged because she knew it was time. At the time, nobody knew quite what it meant. Who was staying with the show? How would we keep up with characters who were dispersed across the country? But for me, the most important question was, will we keep Quinn Fabray?

The answer was, essentially, no. Dianna Agron reprised her devious role a meager three times in the fourth season and, in the midst of rumors that her frequent challenging of the show's creative direction got her ousted by head honcho Ryan Murphy, she hasn't been seen since. Unacceptable. BUT, thankfully the creative team behind Glee has realized they can't go far without a blonde, bitchy cheerleader in their ring.

Enter Kitty Wilde. Upon her debut in the season four premiere, Kitty is described a young Quinn Fabray, "except she's not pregnant, manic depressive, or in and out of a wheelchair." And indeed, she's a lot like Quinn. Dare I say, she's better? She's a thousand times meaner and can sing a hell of a lot more than Q.

At first, Kitty's friends with the glee kids, who are finally popular after winning nationals. But when they realize what a fabulous bitch she is, the pussies peace out. Whatever. Kitty don't care. She's got hottie Jake Puckerman on her arms. Until he leaves her for that cunt Marley for the same reasons her friends ditched her.

Kitty doesn't take this kind of bullshit sitting down and does what any bitch would. Step 1: repeatedly alter Marley's costumes for the school musical so that she'll think she's gaining weight. Step 2: suggest an eating disorder as a cure. And so continues the bulimia-induced love triangle that, unfortunately, Kitty doesn't win. But kudos to her for scoring glee alum Puck.

Eventually, the writers decided that Kitty shouldn't be a total raging bitch, so they softened her up a bit, paired her with Artie the paraplegic, and made her a supportive friend. I didn't like any of these changes, but I'm grateful that Kitty still retains her quick wit and bitchy quip. Here are some of my favorites:

• "My iced latte is too cold."
• "We could handle gimpy and the tarantula head and Richie Poor because you guys were national champs like us, but our invitation was not extended to pre-op Precious based on the novel Barf by Sapphire, and Mike and Molly's daughter, as part of our crew."
• "The Left Behind Club accepts everyone, even losers and lezzies."
• "See, [Jesus has] got an awesome dad named God who's throwing him a bitchin' party called Armageddon, where he's gonna get to kick off his sandals, dance a little bit, and judge the crap out of everybody."
• "To quote Shakespeare, 'There's no small parts, only fat actresses.'"
• "Now excuse me because just thinking about me and you dating makes me dryer than the cast of Hot in Cleveland."

Cunt of the Week: Lorde and Her Big Ass Mouth

Demonic cunt.

If you've been living under a rock for the past few months, you may not know who Lorde is. But chances are, you're overly familiar with her dull-as-dirt song "Royals", which is about being poor. While I admit the song was catchy at first, I quickly got over it.

Not only that, but this 17-year-old, bug-eyed New Zealander has a big mouth on her, and every time it opens, it spews out countless displays of cuntitude. She's too young to realize that she's making the same mistakes Christina Aguilera did early in her career: trash-talking her way straight into in irrelevance. Let's examine some of these moments, shall we?

Lorde's "Royals" was the song of the summer. But so was Selena Gomez's "Come & Get It". So what did Lorde have to say about her peer?

I'm a feminist and the theme of her song is, 'When you're ready, come and get it from me.' I'm sick of being of women being portrayed this way.

Thankfully, Selena responded and said that a feminist shouldn't be tearing down other women. But Lorde didn't stop there. She slammed Selena, as well as artists like Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift, once again by saying she was better than them because she didn't grow up in the industry.

The difference between those kids and me is I grew up completely normal and went to parties and had that experience. I am way less inclined to be like, "Look! I'm fucking mental!"

Omigod, you went to parties in high school? Gosh, how you've lived! She's also better than anyone who wins a singing competition reality show.

I’m glad I was allowed to develop and work on my talent, unlike many singers today who think the answer is starring on a reality or talent show. Shows like The X Factor or The Voice breed this idea that you get what you want the chancey way rather than by hard work.

Even Justin Bieber wasn't safe from her wrath.

The 'young people.' I feel like the influences that are there in the industry for people my age, like Justin Bieber or whatever, are just maybe not a very real depiction of what it's like to be a young person.

There's no arguing that Lorde borrows a lot from Lana Del Rey. Lorde is playing by the sonic rules that Lana invented. But Lorde takes issue with the superficiality of Lana's lyrics, which focus largely around lavish lifestyle.

All those references to expensive alcohol, beautiful clothes and beautiful cars – I was thinking, ‘This is so opulent, but it’s also bullshit.’

Lorde is so much deeper than that because she doesn't sing about that lifestyle. She sings about wanting it! And here's her throwing some more shade Lana's way.

I was just thinking it's so unhealthy for girls to be listening to, you know, 'I'm nothing without you.' This sort of shirt-tugging, desperate, 'don't leave me' stuff. That's not a good thing for young girls, even young people, to be listening to.

And some more...

Around the middle of last year I started listening to a lot of rap, like Nicki Minaj and Drake, as well as pop singers like Lana Del Rey. They all sing about such opulence, stuff that just didn't relate to me — or anyone that I knew. I began thinking, 'How are we listening to this? It's completely irrelevant. 

David Guetta is one of the most successful and respected producers in the industry. Some of the biggest names in music have worked with him, and he's also catapulted underrated singers into superstardom. But would Lorde ever work with him?

No! Fuck no! He's so gross.

There's also the time Lorde tried to discuss unrealistic expectations of female beauty in the media, but really just ended up likening herself to the "flawlessness" of Taylor Swift.

Taylor Swift is so flawless and so unattainable, and I don't think it's breeding anything good into young girls [who might think] 'I'm never going to be like Taylor Swift, why can't I be as pretty as Lorde?' That's fucking bullshit.

As if all of this isn't bad enough, Lorde crossed a major fucking line when she said:

I’ll never go off the rails like Britney, or do an Amy, because my upbringing was so normal. I can’t touch alcohol at my age and I’m not sure I even want to when I’m older. Six months ago, no one knew who I was and now fans chase my car. But I’m never going to change or let fame get the better of me.

Famous last words, bitch.

It's amazing how Lorde's cuntitude speaks for herself. And while she may make some interesting points, and while she's entitled to her opinions, there's nothing cute about a bratty teenager running her mouth as if it were in the name of feminism. When you have the #1 song in the country, you don't need to tear everybody else down to stay on top. It's cheap and the easiest way to shoot yourself in foot. What a cunt! Can't wait to see her fall.

Britney Jean is Triumphant

Since announcing her eighth album, Britney Spears has promised that it would be her most personal one yet. With this reputation preceding it, one would expect Britney Jean to delve intimately into her public meltdown or divulge juicy details behind her split from Jason Trawick earlier this year, but that's not the case. The album is not an autobiography; instead, it's a musical experimentation on which Britney takes risks and distances herself from her previous body of work.

At this point in her career, Britney has nothing to prove. While pop tarts like Lady Gaga, Rihanna, and Miley Cyrus compete to be the raunchiest and most provocative singer out there, concurrently letting whatever talent they have fall to the wayside, Britney is letting her music speak for itself, completely gimmick-free.

Britney Jean is very much like the singer's other self-titled album, Britney (2001), in that it's a transitional album. But while her third album took the "not yet a girl, not yet a woman" from teen queen to the dance diva, delivering club-ready jams with which she has since become synonymous, Britney Jean exposes a vulnerable, more mature side of the icon that could signify a major turning point in her career. It fits, given that she'll turn 32 the day before the album's December 3 release.

The album opens up with an airy mid-tempo called "Alien", one of its strongest tracks. "There was a time I was one of a kind/Lost in a world of me, myself, and I," she coos at the beginning of the space-age song. Upon first listen, "Alien" seems to talk about Britney finding herself in a lover, but the track could easily be a commentary on the singer's fame. After all, what Britney album would be complete without its own "Lucky" or "Piece of Me"?

Singles "Work Bitch" and "Perfume" follow the opener, and their interaction speaks to the album's versatility. The former is an aggressive, bass-heavy club banger devoid of any melodic substance; the latter is a vulnerable 80s-inspired ballad about insecurity and jealousy in a relationship. Together, they span the diverse pop spectrum Britney has covered in her career, but still manage to be fresh and unlike anything the singer has put out before or anything you're likely to hear on the radio.

The next track, "It Should Be Easy", marks the third time Britney has teamed up with will.i.am. The robotic dance song is fun and surprisingly sentimental, but it also proves that the two singers are quickly becoming a tiresome duo.

The fifth song, the T.I.-assisted "Tik Tik Boom", is energizing and extremely catchy; in short, it's a true jam. When Britney harps, "Not too slow and not too quick/Baby make me tik tik boom!", the song immediately demands radio airplay. "Body Ache", crafted by David Guetta, is the perfect successor. It's a simmering mid-tempo on which Britney wants to dance to the night away.

"Til It's Gone", another top speed dance song, is probably the most forgettable song on the album, especially as it follows two prime dance tracks that leaves it in the dust. "Passenger", the guitar-driven, Katy Perry-penned track, follows. Britney letting her hair down while her lover take the wheel: "I've never been a passenger, no/But we'll see more without a map." There's so much potential in this song; not only could it be a hit single, but it could open the door for a pop-rock oriented album in the future.

One of the most bizarre tracks on the album is "Chillin' With You", Britney's duet with sister Jamie Lynn. It's equal parts synthetic and twangy, a unique combination that stands out, but probably not in the way it's supposed to. "Don't Cry", which opens with a haunting Western whistle, closes the album as Britney bids her lover a last goodbye. Still, it's hard not to think of this song as Britney's farewell to her fans. "Pack my bags, can't take no more/Adios, I'm out the door/Hide your tears and dry your eyes/Cause I don't wanna see you cry," she sings. With her Las Vegas residency, we shouldn't expect another album from Britney for another few years, but a longer hiatus wouldn't come as a surprise.

At 10 tracks, the standard edition of Britney Jean is much too short. But every song is unique in its own right, and together, they prove that a legend of Britney's standing doesn't need to cater to the demands of the beat-hungry public. This isn't the album of a pop star, this is the album of a true artist.

Tommy Picks the Top 5 Disney Princesses

Disney's Frozen will hit theaters this holiday weekend, and its two protagonists, Anna and Elsa, will then be inducted into the over-exploited-yet-somehow-still-prestigious Disney Princess line. These bitches are gonna bring the total to 13 motherfucking princesses. Yeah, and in case you're wondering, Merida is in the fucking line-up.

Let's be honest. That shit is begging to be ranked. So, without further ado, here are Tommy Time's picks for the top 5 Disney Princesses.

5.  Cinderella

Even though people like to argue that personality didn't exist in a Disney princess pre-1989, Cinderella was being sassy as fuck way back in the 50s. Girlfriend did her chores, but always with a biting sass and defiance that just lit up the room. Not to mention she was always looking out for the underdog and talked smack behind everybody's back. Well done, C!

4. Ariel

Flippin' your fins might not get you that far, but it sure makes for a bitchin' good time! As fickle and gullible as she may be, she knows how to have a good time, seahorsin' around and shit. She's always dta (down to adventure) and she still manages to be somewhat fun in the sequel, even though she has Melody as a cunt of a daughter.

3. Tiana

Fuck southern hospitality! With Tiana, you'll get a cup of truth tea so hot it'll burn the roof of your mouth. Coming in at number 3 is the frog princess herself. Even though I totally objected to her amphibian form, Tiana is like the Belle 2.0, because she discovers the value of inner beauty and all that shit, but she neither willingly sell her freedom for men nor engages in bestiality.

2. Jasmine

While I struggle to relate to Jasmine's desire to be poor, I can definitely get on board with her sass. She walks around with her fucking pet tiger, totally owning her body like #whowantsit, but doesn't let men treat her like a prize to be won! On top of all that, she has a flying carpet and a genie at her disposal, so she can pretty much just do whatever the fuck she wants.

1. Aurora

Every modern-day feminist claims that Aurora is too passive, but let's be fucking real for a second. Aurora is the alpha bitch in terms of Disney characters. She's blonde, beautiful, and royal as fuck. But she also lived the first 16 years of her life in seclusion and poverty, meaning she's also humble. And can we just acknowledge that she nabbed the hottest prince and gets to spend all her time sleeping? Don't hate her cuz you ain't her, biiiitch.

And there you have it: the only ranking that matters. Here's hoping that Anna and Elsa give these girls a run for their money!

Jam of the Week: "Work" by Iggy Azalea

While I love Australian rapper Iggy Azalea, I wasn't feeling her latest effort, "Work", until I saw Selena Gomez perform it live in concert. Then I went back and listened to the song again and fell in love. Once again, Iggy comes off as a less glittery Ke$ha (which is a compliment!) as she sings about her teenage years living away from her family while trying her hand at rap.

It's the perfect jam to listen to while you're work-work-work-work-working on your shit.

Jam of the Week: "4 Carats" by Kelly Clarkson

As we get closer to the holiday season, I think it's time to ring in Christmas with some carols and shit. Kelly Clarkson recently dropped her new Christmas album, Wrapped in Red, and boy does it have some holiday jams. My personal favorite is "4 Carats", which is like a combo of "Santa Baby" and "Material Girl" by Madonna.

In the song, Kelly asks Santa to bring her some bling: "Oh my diamond ring/Just a little something from Tiffany's/Or a big ruby/You know red has always looked good on me."

Because, at the end of the day, we know that's what the holidays are all about!

Things Tommy Loves and Hates #9

I hope one of the birds shits on her.

Thing I Love #9: Christmas Albums

Whether you believe Christmas music should only be listened to on the actual holiday or you blast that merry music the day after Halloween, there's no denying that feeling of cheer it brings you. While the first Glee Christmas album remains my all-time favorite, this holiday season I've been digging Kelly Clarkson's Wrapped in Red.

Thing I Hate #9: Sofia the First

If you're unfamiliar with who the fuck Sofia the First is, consider yourself lucky. This miserable little brat is Disney's latest effort to completely tarnish their princess franchise. Sofia is a princess-in-training, if you will, and her television series focuses on her learning how to be royalty, with the occasional support of the real Disney princesses like Cinderella and Belle. Not only is Sofia annoying as all shit, but she's also supposed to be the first Latina princess. You look at that pale-ass skin and blue eyes and tell me if that shit's Latina.

20 Things You Didn't Know About Rugrats

Mems.

1. Rugrats was created in 1989 by Gábor Csupó and Arlene Klasky, who were animators for The Simpsons at the time. The based the show's concepts off of their observations of their own children and submitted it to Nickelodeon, which had just announced their own line of animated shows called Nicktoons. "Tommy Picks and the Great White Thing", the original, unaired pilot only featured Tommy, Phil, and Lil. Chuckie and Angelica were added as characters when the show debuted in 1991.
2. The show debuted alongside Doug and The Ren & Stimpy Show, making it one of three original Nicktoons. Rugrats is the only one of the bunch not to have eventually gone to another network; Doug was aquired by Disney and a raunchier version of Ren & Stimpy made its way to MTV.
3. Klasky often felt that the Angelica character was too mean and that the babies acted too old for their age, which created tension between her and the series writers. Csupó often acted a mediator, but the writers usually won out. Klasky would often call upon child psychologists to work on the show. The writers mocked her actions by introducing Dr. Lipschitz, whom the parent characters often refer to.
4. Steven Spielberg called Rugrats "sort of a TV Peanuts of our time," citing it as one of the best animated programs of all time.
5. The series is a four-time Emmy winner and a five-time nominee.
6. In 1994, after 65 episodes, Rugrats was effectively canceled. Two specials aired between 1995 and 1996, "Passover" and "A Rugrats Chanukah", both of which received critical acclaim. This prompted Nickelodeon to renew the series and commission the first film. Rugrats returned to television in 1997 and The Rugrats Movie was released the following year.
7. Reptar, a dinosaur character who appears in various forms throughout the series and its films, was introduced in part as a social commentary of the increasing influence of Japanese pop culture in children's entertainment. 
8. There's a popular internet conspiracy theory that states the baby characters are all figments of Angelica's imagination. According to the theory, Tommy was a stillborn, and Stu now spends all his time in the basement, designing toys for the kid he never had. Chuckie died along with his mother, which is why Chaz is such a mess. Betty had a miscarriage; Angelica wasn't sure if the baby was going to be a boy or a girl, so she made both Phil and Lil.
9. Early episodes imply that Chuckie's mother is alive. It isn't until the 1997 Mother's Day episode that it's established she died.
10. The Rugrats never age, but over the course of the show, they celebrate 3 Christmases, 1 Chanukah, 1 Kwanza, 2 Halloweens, 1 Thanksgiving, and 1 Valentine's Day.
11. Though All Grown Up is the only spin-off that made it to air, there were actually two others planned. The first was one that would follow the family of Susie Carmichael as they move to Atlanta #slightracism, but it was never picked up. The second, Preschool Daze, focused on Angelica and Susie's (you guessed it!) preschool days. Four episodes were produced in a notably different animation style, but the series was eventually shelved. The episodes were eventually released on DVD.
12. Dionne Kwan, who voices Kimi Finster, is legally blind, and thus her scripts were written in Braille.
13. In the series, it is stated that Tommy was born early.
14. Chuckie's appearance is based on Mark Mothersbaugh, who composed the music for the series.
15. Amanda Bynes had a recurring role in the later episodes of the series as Taffy, the babysitter.
16. Rugrats Go Wild, the third film and cross-over with The Wild Thornberries, was originally going to be a three-part TV special, but it was shelved and redeveloped as a feature film.
17. Rugrats aired its 172nd and final episode on June 8, 2004, making it the longest running Nicktoon until SpongeBob SquarePants aired its 173rd episode. #nothereforthat
18. In 2002, TV Guide ranked Angelica as the seventh best cartoon character of all time, putting her above the likes of Bart Simpson and Mickey Mouse.
19. Rugrats is the first and so far only Nickelodeon series to receive a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.
20. From 1997 to 2001, the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade featured a Rugrats balloon of Tommy and Chuckie mounted on Spike. It was the first balloon in parade history to feature three characters, as well as Nickelodeon's first balloon in the parade.

Jam of the Week: "Story of My Life" by One Direction

One Direction is back, y'all! And this time, they're getting super emotional.

"Story of My Life" is the band's latest single, off their upcoming album Midnight Memories omgicantwait. I've always preferred their faster songs, but this mid-tempo jam is simply to die for.

The song is all about that extra baggage we carry around and how the ones we love might not be able to handle it. It's deeper and more cynical than their previous work. Our boys are growing up!

Enjoy the song AND the music video, which is adorable and sad at the same time.

Jam of the Week: "Perfume" by Britney Spears

Sorry if you're still recovering from "Work Bitch" slaying your life but Britney is back and she's going to bulldoze you with more jams! Girlfriend just dropped "Perfume", the second single off her upcoming album Britney Jean.

Britney promised this album would be her most personal yet, and "Perfume" seems to be a step in the right direction. Co-written by Britney and Sia, the song is dripping in paranoia and insecurity, as the singer worries that her man's ex is moving in on him.

"I hide it well, hope you can't tell, but I hope she smells my perfume," Britney sings flawlessly while making history for being fucking unstoppable and you cry because it's so beautiful and you'll never do anything as great with your life.

Now that the song's out, we can look forward to the new music video #hellaFantasyproductplacement! And of course Britney Jean, which drops on December 3!!

Blessed be this song!